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[14 Jun 2007|09:15am] [ mood | listless ] [ music | space oddity by bowie ] i'm back from thailand, and i'm hunting for a pair of nail-clippers before i scratch my eyes out completely. damn, i still need a haircut. i also haven't been going for driving lessons for a month at least and it's quite discomforting, because now i don't even remember how to vertical park. i had a nightmare about the scene in 'little children' last night-- the one where the pedophile performs a bloody self-castration while he's sitting on the swing in the darkness, then stands up slowly, revealing his absolutely bloody-soaked crotch. i had four hours of sleep last night-- the most i've had in a single night, in a long, long time. i didn't get any sleep at all the two nights prior to that, and have been pretty much zombie-like, avoiding sunlight and lying in bed watching dvds. i'm waiting for my tuition kid to arrive, and am finishing a pack of boasters chocolate chip cookies and another pack of tim tams simultaneously. i should really just quit, especially since i've been teaching for free all this while, and also because the two-hour sessions more likely than not extend into full-day, six-hour affairs where i end up completely exhausted. i'd feel bad quitting now though, because i know they're improving with my help, and also because i volunteered to teach them for the rest of the year. 1 comment|post comment

[10 Jun 2007|12:08pm] i'm leaving for thailand tonight, and i've decided to skip law camp. also i've been having nightmares, and in the dark every towel, chair, bag and magazine in the room takes on a face and personality of its own. i need a haircut, and i skipped church in the morning so my mum is making me go in an hour or so. i'm tired, and these days all i want to do is curl up around a big, firm pillow, and stay there, motionless. i want a thick, hot and creamy cup of tea; i'm rapidly developing a ten cup a day habit, and i love my tea in the oddest muddy orange-brown shade, not the sickly pale brown my maid makes. in j's words, i'm a 'chaindrinker ah soh (= middle-aged lady?)', and i'm doomed. i'm looking forward to going on picnics with friends before they disappear all over the world. i want grass stains on my knees, epic battles with ants, good food and drink, and good company. it will do me good. there are dresses begging to be worn to spacious lawns and on balmy evenings by the lake, feeding swans. the thought alone is rather poetic. i need to stop fantasizing and get things done and out of my way. the next five years will be hell, i know it already. 2 comments|post comment

[06 Jun 2007|11:16am] driving sucks, i want to quit already. i really can't concentrate and i have a short attention span that lasts maybe 15 minutes out of a 90 minute lesson. i have this tendency to dissociate what my limbs are doing from my impulses and thoughts, which means sometimes in my mind i'm yelling 'STOP!!' but my foot just stays still for a good 3 seconds, idling away. it's the same with sewing-- my foot just gets too comfortable on the accelerator pedal. when i do vertical parking i just go through the steps mechanically, steering left, left, right, left, keeping my eye on the top left corner of the rear window, wishing i were somewhere else. and gears are stupid-- i just end up following instructions and counting down the minutes during every lesson. i haven't gone for driving lessons in like, 3 weeks or something, which is ridiculous. by the time i'm back i'll probably have to relearn everything from scratch. i've spent over $1100 in the past 4 days on myself, on clothes and shoes and food and taxi fares, and i'm sick. i've been having a three-day mild headache, i've been having bad cramps though my period just ended, and i've been feeling nauseous every minute. ugh. post comment

[04 Jun 2007|04:23pm] [ mood | sad ] i miss you and it makes me sick, so i spend my time playing silly games on the ps2 and xbox. if i can't win at life, i'm going to try my hardest to win at katamari damacy instead. i've also been doing the MCAT (i'm helping someone by preparing an answer guide for a few kgs worth of verbal reasoning practice test sections!) and it's so annoying and ridiculous. what the hell is a diastereomer, an epimer, and an enantiomer? what's a polyhydroxyaldehyde, a neurulation, and Markovnikov's rule?! chemistry/biochemistry is ugly and disgusting. to be honest i'd rather read crime and punishment all over, than have to read an organic chemistry book again-- even that massive mindfuck of a read was less intimidating, and it was somewhat worth it. i want to take a class like this (i've been secretly lurking and reading): http://www.blurty.com/users/6070/ oh and today was the university confirmation deadline, and i finally made my decision. to be honest, i'm annoyed and miserable already: goodbye LSE, KCL, UCL, Warwick, Nottingham & Southampton (and well, SMU). it was fun to get your offers and exciting to marvel at all the amazing, glossy campus photos with the cheery people seemingly beckoning, grabbing me towards them. i was so confident of going to one of the first three that i did all my research on campus and residence hall locations. i really hope seven nice people on the waiting lists get in, and have an awesome time doing everything i'll be missing out. and while i'm secretly relieved at the thought of being in a safe and familiar place, i feel like kicking myself for being a wuss. 1 comment|post comment

[01 Jun 2007|05:11pm] http://www.brother.co.uk/g3.cfm/s_page/50670/s_level/17540/s_product/BM2600U1 the sewing machine i've been lusting over is now mine, thanks to my mum and dad. sewing machines are expensive, i saw lots which were around $7000, and most cost almost as much as a computer. yesterday i went crazy and made a few pouches, a tote bag and a pleated clutch with my pretty fabric stash. right now there's a lot of designer fabric i'd like to order online, from the US and japan, especially since i only have a few months of sloth-dom left. but on top of the crazy per yard costs, shipping costs are going to be insanely prohibitive-- fabric is bulky :( i've been getting emails from nus law, and the 5th year double degree programme fees are going to be raised to around $25, 000/year (!), instead of the prevailing fees for law ($6500ish?) there will be a 50% subsidy though, so it's not too bad, i guess. i don't know how the concurrent degree works because although it isn't the same as a double degree, i've been receiving the exact same emails. i don't know a single other person doing a concurrent degree, and it's a bit freaky. ( Read more... ) post comment

[29 May 2007|01:11pm] i love plastic; being surrounded by a rainbow of colourful plastic paraphernalia makes me so giddy. my mum feels the same too, we went shopping yesterday and ate tons of things, as usual. my mum kept forcing me to buy things-- everything i stop to take a second glance at, she insists on buying. she thinks i'm abnormal, but shopping online almost daily has left me with a ridiculous amount of clothes, accessories and other assorted things, as well as horrible feelings of guilt. but yesterday was fun, and i really can't wait for the day i start earning enough money for my mum and dad to retire comfortably. post comment

[27 May 2007|01:15pm] i honestly think i'm going deaf. i need to get a hearing test done. back when i was in primary one, we had a hearing test and i was a bit cheeky and circled all the wrong answers. they sent me to the hospital for a battery of fun but expensive hearing tests in these little glass booths where you're armed with a little clicker device while sounds play randomly. i was okay then, just silly and bored. but now i think i'm honestly going deaf, and to top it off, over the past 3 weeks my ears feel like they've been thrust underwater, after a dive. it feels like i'm having some sort of bizarre brain infection. post comment

comfortably numb [26 May 2007|11:49pm] i'm terrified. everything's terrifying-- both the familiar and the unfamiliar. all the bridges in the world are at my disposal, but i've no other side to cross to. there is no other side. i want to surrender and become an artist, and make soap-carving impressions of people all day, and have every page of my secret scrapbooks blown up on museum walls, except i don't have enough Talent and i'm also a realist. someday, though, my grandiose ideals will screw me over. when i'm an adult i will probably say a lot of stupid careless reckless things because i'm a stupid careless reckless girl, and it isn't something i'll be able to hide as easily. every step i take is a calculated and informed step towards Unhappiness, and, guess what, i don't even care anymore. to make things worse, i've let two of my biggest potential sources of eternal happiness slip through my fingers, and i don't think there will ever be a third time. i can't do this any more, and i don't want to because wrecking things seems to be my expertise. i'm exhausted, and free will is a cumbersome, distressing thing. i want to go straight to jail, take a ride on the green line railway, collect $200 as i pass go, and come back to earth as a die-cast tin figure in some kid's monopoly set. post comment

i'm bored, traffic outside is noisy and malaysian telly sucks. i'm on a roll [24 May 2007|10:57pm] Something the guys in charge of SMRT's boring, insipid and costly anti-terrorism campaign should be aware of: Mumbai Railway Police has partnered Grey Worldwide to produce ‘operation citizen alert’, a campaign aimed at making commuters more alert to potential terrorist threats like unattended baggage. The execution of the campaign involves placing over 1000 coins, containing a message, in railway stations as well as trains, for people to pick up – the message is that if you are as alert to unattended baggage as you are to little coins, lives can be saved. “A simple one rupee idea has snowballed into a movement and it feels really good when we can give back to society.” Sajan Raj Kurup, regional creative head for Grey Worldwide said in a statement. Deputy commissioner of police, Ramrao Pawar, put weight behind the campaign as an effective communications tool able to reach all consumers saying, “if anyone spots a coin fallen on the ground, they will pick it up – irrespective of age, class, gender and religion.” post comment

this is pretty interesting/fun: [24 May 2007|10:26pm] official soundtrack of my life, according to my ipod on random shuffle mode: 01 - OPENING CREDITS: cinderella's big score by sonic youth 02 - WAKING UP: immigrant song by led zeppelin 03 - FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: marble house by the knife 04 - FALLING IN LOVE: wish you were here by pink floyd 05 - FIGHT SONG: no trust by the black keys 06 - BREAKING UP: someday soon by the doves 07 - PROM: like dylan in the movies by belle & sebastian 08 - LIFE: wildcat by ratatat 09 - MENTAL BREAKDOWN: people are strange by the doors 10 - DRIVING: fake plastic trees by radiohead 11 - FLASHBACK: the list by metric 12 - WEDDING: the instinct by denali 13 - BIRTH OF CHILD: suicide blonde by inxs 14 - FINAL BATTLE: in your room by depeche mode 15 - DEATH SCENE: comfortably numb by pink floyd 16 - FUNERAL SONG: mojo pin by jeff buckley 17 - END CREDITS: spanish caravan by the doves some of the random songs actually seem to match the different stages of life. i'm trying to imagine my life pre-ipods, and it's a scary, almost impossible thought. i remember lugging around cds and my discman, and living on my mix-cds, different ones for rainy morning schoolbus rides and quiet moments spent copying schoolwork, trying to fall asleep at night, when i want to listen to something loud and energetic, or if i needed sappy music to cry to. but being able to carry around 30+4 GB of music with me all the time isn't necessarily a good thing. i end up listening to a lot of rubbish-- thousands of songs (some of which i don't even like), rather than a carefully-selected 20 or 50. it's a different experience altogether, and for that reason, i still take my discman with me when i go on holidays, and spend disgusting amounts of money on cds. post comment

it has a name: [24 May 2007|08:00pm] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence [For example, fantasies may include 'rescuing' the limerent object from a situation of peril and being rewarded in some way implying reciprocation. Another example of limerent fantasy would include a limerent object proclaiming love in a climactic fashion, such as in dying moments.]-- wikipedia i'm in a different country right now and i'm more excited about going to thailand in a few weeks, so much so that i'm denying my enjoyment of my present holiday. in university, yes, i want to graduate, but i also want to make friends who i will be comfortable enough to travel with. i look forward to spur-of-the-moment airasia.com trips and getting crash courses in nepalese. my right eye just twitched and it's scary. these days i feel so lethargic and i hardly get out of bed, except to get food and the newspapers and use the bathroom. right now i'm learning hindi (i don't even know why)-- cup aur rakobee means cup and saucer, makhalee means fish, and there's a funny word for cucumber which escapes my mind. i'm also learning spanish (because it's the #1 most useful language for travelers and diplomats, besides english perhaps). but more than anything else, it gives me something to do, i guess. post comment

[23 May 2007|05:17pm] another quick getaway-- i'll be gone for three days! three days of shopping and feasting. i created a facebook three days ago after receiving invites from friends, just to see what the hype was all about. it's quite addictive, considering the fact that i never bothered with friendster! it's a pity my really good friends are all like me and are going to take a lot of convincing before they succumb to get a facebook. my sleep cycle is so fucked up it's annoying me-- last night i was really exhausted at 12:30 after watching 4 old movies back to back on TCM, but despite all the tossing and turning and self-hypnosis attempts, i fell asleep at 4.30AM on the couch, woke up at 4:50AM to the sound of the newspaper guy, stayed awake until 7AM listening to my family getting ready for school/work, and then finally went upstairs to my room, where i fell asleep promptly and woke up at 2.30PM. this is HILARIOUS, if you're from singapore/going to NTU, it's a must-watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rg7Dl7n8bY 1 comment|post comment

[19 May 2007|08:42pm] [ music | led zeppelin ] today was intimidating; i trudged around the crowded reception room with hc and ac friends and a few guys from rj, and we left soon afterwards. i also saw a few girls who, honestly, made me wonder how they even got accepted for the course in the first place. but i guess there's nothing special about me either, and they will probably end up kicking my ass. on my way out of the bukit timah campus, i got a call from a uk-based number, and i felt slightly sick telling the nice lady on the phone that i was turning down warwick university's offer. is it too late to back out of law school entirely now? the future is terrifying. i kept falling asleep during my first court of appeal sit-in, and was thankfully stirred awake multiple times by a burly bailiff (i think?) as well as A CLIENT of the lawyers i was shadowing, before the other lawyers saw me/before i got kicked out by the appeal judges. it was highly embarrassing, and more importantly, it makes me wonder how i'm going to get through the next 5 years when i can't even stay awake, considering i've never ever fallen asleep during classes, unlike a lot of other people. 1 comment|post comment

[18 May 2007|06:46pm] my first karaoke session ever-- we did the most amazing covers of 'because the night' (10, 000 maniacs-style) and 'heart of glass'. they're both stuck in my head, my fingers still smell strongly of pineapples, i went shopping again today (my excuse is that i need 5 years' worth of clothes, all of which need to be here right now even before i begin), i miss my mum, my lower back hurts because i've been getting into all sorts of odd positions, and i'm just so exhausted. i'm yawning every minute or so, and i'm thinking about a lot of things and just worrying endlessly. i'm dreading tomorrow's nus tea thing (i skipped today's smu one) because i have no company this time-- no friends to loiter around with, no familiar face to make me feel less lost. the thought of staying here for the next 4-6 years to complete my degrees is terrifying, especially when everyone seems to have their own little groups of friends with them, as well as preconceived notions and stereotypes. on one hand, i want to be somewhere completely new, because i want to start afresh. i want to erase the last twelve years and all the associations and networks which have trailed along and defined me thus far, and make friends with people who are similarly alone, starting from absolute scratch. on the other hand, though, the more practical side of me wants desperately to see familiar faces, and to cling on. i hate introductions, and whatever path i choose, i foresee having to explain myself to people over and over. i will give them the same half-hearted answers, and try to sound convincing and enthusiastic about things i no longer care about. to be honest, there's nothing i feel strongly about anymore. i have outgrown myself and my identity, but i have nowhere else to squeeze myself into. it's like my skin stopped regenerating and i'm slithering blindly, a naked snake desperately patching bits of moulted skin all over the rawness. it's confusing and unsettling. post comment

[17 May 2007|08:50pm] because people have been enquiring about my life: these days i eat, bathe, sleep, and then spend whatever time is left on secondlife and other pointless things, like shopping (both online and in the flesh, spending my thousands even before i make 'em). i've also been reading music/book commentaries and laughing at articles on how snakes and snails copulate. i eat all my meals in bed and have been having visions of huge ants crawling out of my ipod's earphone jack, non-stop and then crawling into my ears at night. and in these visions, i smash my ipod open and inside there are chambers, like in a beehive. i have these and similar visions almost throughout the day, and i even dream of insects and scary birds like vultures and ravens and crows. i dream of people bigger than me, dressed in crow suits, and rooster suits, stabbing me with their beaks. i dream of psycho tortoises and rabbits flicking rubber bands at me and grating me on a steel block like a block of cheese. in other words, i lie in bed and have nightmares all day long. 2 comments|post comment

[17 May 2007|06:35pm] this is quite gross but i'm fixated with voices. more specifically, i'm fixated with the way voices sound over the phone-- deeper and more mysterious. i really like deep voices which are slightly gravelly yet warm and friendly. i try to imagine what the people on the other end look like from their voice alone, and wonder what they're doing. whether they're wearing shoes, where their free hand is, whether they're slouching in a chair, whether there's a calendar on the desk and if yes what the calendar looks like, etc. also: kate moss for topshop sucked, and i resisted the temptation to buy a few items just for the fun of putting them up on ebay. i'm still quite annoyed with myself for not snapping up the madonna for h&m shimmery white track jackets in paris in january, which were going for a mere 9.99 euros (!) and were pretty decent (none in my size left though). everyone was trying on the paisley dress of doom, and because most kids here have invisible boobs and unpretty calves, it was not a good sight. post comment

[16 May 2007|09:32pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | because the night by patti smith ] my mum's going to china early tomorrow morning, i.e. in a few hours :( 2 comments|post comment

[16 May 2007|06:47pm] this is just so bizarre. i turned down the SMU scholarship yesterday, which means i threw the entire course's worth of tuition fees, a free laptop, exchange programme fees, etc down the drain, and to top it off, i had a horrible experience yesterday. i was walking in an alley along beach road, and realised a strange and scary-looking man, probably in his 30s, had been following me for a disturbing length of time. i turned around on gut feeling and my heart almost leapt through my throat when the said man overtook me, then jumped in front of my path. he stuck out his palm, and in it, there was a little handwritten note saying: 'want to be my friend? my number is 9XXXXXXXX (and a whole lot of nonsense scrawled in tiny cursive lettering that i was too terrified to read)' i looked up and the disgusting leery leech was looking at me expectantly. i was thoroughly disgusted and didn't know what to do so i just said 'hell no!' in a trembling voice, and dived into the nearest dingy diy store, ignoring his muffled protests. i stayed there for a good few minutes. the creep was gone, thank goodness. anyway-- i've been offered a nus law faculty scholarship, and i'm totally gobsmacked, because after the things i had to deal with yesterday, i've been making headway with regards to a lot of things. i feel like i'm getting closer to my parents. i love hugging my mum and resting my head on her shoulder, raving about the simpsons movie as well as the upcoming tin tin movie (!!!!), both of which we'll be watching together. i also love going to the hill with my dad (like we did again today, just the two of us, walking and talking), learning about life and talking about funny things, talking about my driving lessons and future plans, and making him cocoa cinnamon popcorn just for fun. i've also got places to study, i've got a scholarship i thought i'd lost, and despite forfeiting the smu scholarship, i've been rewarded even more satisfyingly by this scholarship offer. going overseas to study seems to diminish in importance as the days go by. i don't want to be oceans away when one of my grandmas falls ill, i want to be there right next to them. i want to visit them every week, i want to make them cookies and cake (fuck diabetes, fuck cholesterol issues). i want to watch my dog grow old, and i want to have him there with me to cuddle when i'm crying and can't stop and don't want anyone to see me in the dark, on my porch. i want to have my mum and dad near me, i want to run to them when i'm hurt, and i want to watch my sister and brother work their way through their teenage years. i want to be really close to them so when we're all in our twenties we'll be able to go on holidays together, and surprise our parents with airplane tickets to exotic places, paid for with our own salaries. i want my mum's laksa/mee siam every week and homemade lasagne and yummy banana cake. i want to eat tau huay and tang yuan every day and to never get sick because of crazy summer pollen storms or from wearing woolly things in winter, with a japanese magic heatpack secretly stuffed in my bra, to keep my chest from freezing. i don't want to have to do laundry in the cold on my own, ever, or live off instant tv dinner packages. i want to help the boy i'm tutoring for the rest of the year at the very least, and to help intellectually-disabled kids at the MINDS school near my house, and take them out on fieldtrips and picnics, just like i used to a while ago before other things took over my life. i haven't made my choice, but i don't think it's going to be as hard as i expected it to be, and i'm just happy because it finally feels like God is in control, He knows what i want, and has opened every damn door for me, including doors i never even knew existed. maybe it's good that i didn't apply for an overseas scholarship, because it might make my final decision easier. same with the smu scholarship, which i turned down in a rare moment of clarity (because i've never wanted to be a jumpingposterkid). i'm supposed to write them a letter to make things official and i'm wondering if that qualifies as a good enough reason. 1 comment|post comment

[13 May 2007|04:16pm] nouvelle vague was really good, but not mindblowingly so. they started off with the killing moon, which was creepy and mysterious, like the original. i really liked their cover of in a manner of speaking, but they ended with a distorted love will tear us apart encore-- i don't like their version because i feel it takes away the beauty of the original, but that's pretty subjective, i suppose. the singing was beautiful, but a little bit too jaunty and cheery at times for my liking. i'm a huge fan of the originals which they covered, so i had high expectations. the double bass and the other instruments, though, were breathtaking and somehow felt different from the album versions. the crowd was pretty sedate, except for a few pockets of expats, and the band was really late, so i hung around with jo's friends for an hour. i just checked my letterbox this morning and !!! nus has accepted me for not just their law school, but their concurrent masters degree programme as well (!!!!!!!!!!!!). it's not just a double degree programme, like the smu law school has offered-- and i feel like i don't deserve any of this faith the universities seem to have in me. the public policy programme (http://www.lkyspp.nus.edu.sg/llbmpp.htm , http://www.lkyspp.nus.edu.sg/degree_prog_1.htm#mppa) excites me a great deal more than the law programme, and it might just be the deciding factor. i have a strong feeling that i'll be kicked out of the concurrent masters programme, since the standards are high, but it'll probably be a good experience-- especially since i've never wanted to be a lawyer, and really want to work at an MNC or NGO. i'm terrified of law school kiddos in general, and even more terrified of having to fit in. it just seems so much harder than fitting into almost any other faculty. (what the hell am i getting myself into?!) i've also got an smu scholarship which i'm supposed to confirm/accept on tuesday, though i didn't apply for their scholarships, and i really don't know what to do. i guess i'm just shocked that all 8 of my applications for various law schools didn't lead to a single rejection letter, i.e. 8/8 law schools think i'm cool enough. i'm also very disappointed that when i make my decision in a few weeks, it will mean saying 'no' to seven other lovely universities. maybe i should keep all my 8 acceptance letters, just for the heck of it. i feel like such a fraudster. i don't know how i'm going to get through the next four (or five!) years. i'm going to take a shower and then i'll go to the hill with my dad, since it's been a while! 4 comments|post comment

another lyrics post-- this song is absolutely stuck in my head: [12 May 2007|03:43pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | dress by pj harvey ] Put on that dress I'm going out dancing Starting off red Clean and sparkling, he'll see me Music play, make it dreamy for dancing Must be a way that I can dress to please him It's hard to walk in the dress, it's not easy I'm swinging over like a heavy loaded fruit tree If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on It's sad to see Lonely, all this lonely Close up my eyes Dreamy, dreamy music, make it be alright Music play, make it good for romancing Must be a way I can dress to please him Swing and sway, everything will be alright But it's feeling so damn tight tonight If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on "You pretty thing" my man says "But I bought you beautiful dresses" Filthy tight, the dress is filthy I'm falling flat and my arms are empty Clear the way, better get it out of this room A fallen woman in dancing costume If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on If you put it on post comment

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