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[ Hi ] [22Oct06] Hi. All is well. I'll update again soon. I really should get back to doing these things, only I don't remember who reads them and what not. Hehe. Anyways. Goodnight. This has been an update. Sing To Me...

[ I want to die. ] [07Apr06] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Fuck music. Fuck you. ] I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I fucking hate everything and everyone. 1 Sweet Song Sing To Me...

[ Okay, Okay... ] [10Mar06] [ mood | pleased ] [ music | PHANTOM OMFG!!! ] I broke up with Derek. He wasn't giving me what I needed, and I was giving him too much energy for not getting anything back. I'm not a bitch, I told him how I felt and that if he really wanted it to work he would try harder. He didn't, and I couldn't back down because I cared about him so much, I did... It kinda hurts thinking about it, but it wouldn't have worked out anyway. It was long distance, he didn't have any passion or show me any emotions. I can't stand that. Anyway.. I saw Phantom again tonight for the second time in 2006. Man, Howard McGillan is a GREAT Phantom, but he was better when I saw him in January. Carlotta was better this time around, and it was a different Christine, and I didn't like this one AT ALL... Kinda made the show a bit spoiled, but all that dissapointment drowns away whenever the Phantom sings... I swear, if I lived in NY and actually had money, I would see the Phantom at least once a week... I seriously would, and I would get front row center mezzane (or however you spell it) And I'm starting to think about something I shouldn't be thinking about, and I fear that it is going to cause some major troubles very VERY soon.... Sing To Me...

[ COLLEGE AND ALL THAT JAZZ... ] [13Feb06] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Akon - Mr. Lonely ] Wow! I haven't updated this shit in forever. Well, Derek is my Boyfriend again. and actually... it's been almost exactly 4 months since he asked me out :D 10-12-05, but since we're in different time zones, for me our anniversary is the 13th at 12:36 and for him it's the 12th at 11:36. I know I know, it's so stupid that I know the exact time and date... but that's what girls do, and that's so cute that it was different days... I think, anyway. heh! Among other things: I'm finally over lauren. I made some amazing friends here at college that are (honestly) a million times more loyal and trustworthy than she will ever be. I'm also over my summer and the hurt I went through... we're not gonna talk about THAT right now, but I know it's there. The pain and hurt was real, and my experiences in the summer of '05 definately taught me some life lessons that I will never forget, and never take for granted: Keep your friends close... and your enemies closer. My one regret is that after the summer, I am having the HARDEST time letting people "in". I feel like noboday really knows who I am anymore, becuase the two people I let into my heart broke it simultaneously. And I should have listened, because in both cases I had people telling me they would end up hurting me. Ha. If only I had listened. So now... I'm here trusting the voice in the back of my head saying.... "Will they hurt you as well??" There's only one way to find out. And to be honest, I don't intend to. More coming soon. I just wanted to let someone know I was still alive. Sing To Me...

[ I WILL NEVER STOP MISSING YOU ] [25Aug05] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | I MISS YOU SO MUCH ] You are better off without me and the stress I cause, but I will never forget you. I miss you so much, it's starting to kill me. I cry myself to sleep everynight, because I just can't get over the fact that we don't talk anymore. But I will pretend I'm not hurting, because I know it makes you happy when I leave you alone. And even though you're KILLING me, I would never do anything to hurt you. But let me say this here, because I'm too afraid to say it to your face... I will never stop missing you. Sing To Me...

[ die ] [23Aug05] If things don't go back to the way they were, then I want to die. Sing To Me...

[ sflkjsfssg... ] [22Aug05] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Never Ever - All Saints ] Now she's not talking to me again... this is killing me, i can't take this... now i'm thinking about her again... oh god, am i ever going to be okay after this?? I cry almost everyday... I don't even know if she knows how i feel... I miss her so much. I want her to know things would be so different if we were friends again... I did everything for her, we were sisters-- chicken sisters-- I defended her, I stood up for her every single time ANYONE said ANYTHING... I wanted to grow up best friends... I wanted to just keep in touch no matter what... we're both going to get famous... I wanted to give Glynny a million dollars with her... I wanted the friendship, and I just can't mush up enough strength to let her go justr yet.... i'm holding on for no reason i know, but i can't see myself going on like this... she either has to give me closure, or i'm going to go crazy... and the lyrics to never ever come to mind... It's getting worse... I'm having dreams of her and waking up crying... I can't watch Finding Nemo, My cousin Vinnie... can't even look at a piece of artwork or a museum without thinking of her... this isn't fair... this isn't fair... Why does it have to be like this?? What was so bad that we can't even talk about it?? There are so many things left unsaid... Sing To Me...

[ Lauren ] [20Aug05] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | dead to the world - a song i wrote ] Lauren actually talked to me today... she talked to me... i don't wnat to say why but we talked for like 5 minutes, I'm so thankful for that. God, I miss her so much... it's still killing me so bad. I'm raw on the outside and on the inside. I can't seem to let a day go by without thinking of her. Almost everyday in my diary is talking about how much I miss her and all the things we used to do. God, we were such good friends... the opposite, but that made us exactly the same. I heard a quote somewhere about opposites attracting to eat the whole chicken, because one would eat the dark meat and one would eat the white meat... And She was the person I thought of. I don't know if she will ever ever ever ever realize how much it's killing me that we're not friends anymore. Honestly, I hurt myself and I don't know why, but I feel like if we were friends I might not be this depressed. I got so depressed as soon as we stopped being friends. I didn't talk to anyone after school. I wrote so much black poetry and songs that it would look like i was trying to kill myself (and admittingly one point, i did becaus ei was so upset and i didn't think i could take loosing someone i cared about) honestly... it feels like she just died. I have no closure at all. I miss her so much. LAUREN I MISS YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME I STILL DON'T EWVEN KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG GOD IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH I'M DYING.... Sing To Me...

[ So It's been forever... ] [14Aug05] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Don't Speak - No Doubt ] I'm never good with updating these things. I'll try harder. Tomorrow. Sing To Me...

[ LaLaLaaa ] [04Jul05] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Garbage- Why do you love me? ] I don't know what's going on anymore. I can't tell the difference between love and hate. Sometimes I wish people were more honest with me... I think too much into things. Sometimes, I drive myself crazy. Sing To Me...

[ wow... ] [30Jun05] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Nightwish-- Beauty and the Beast ] HEHEHEHEHEHE... I have a secret... 2 Sweet Songs Sing To Me...

[ Okay. here goes. ] [27Jun05] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Iced Earth- something wicked... ] I'm back... and I really don't care if people comment or not, becuse I don't plan to update a lot. And, I think peple might have forgotten to check by now, which is OKAY because some of the stuff here, would scare people away. I have my own journal by my bed. I don't even need this one. It's for my own purposes only. Thanks for yer time. 2 Sweet Songs Sing To Me...

[ Honestly... ] [31May05] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Fuck off. ] I'm not gonna update anymore. I mean it. No one fucking cares, and no one ever comments. Whatever. 4 Sweet Songs Sing To Me...

[ FUCK! ] [24May05] [ mood | pissed off ] YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN I AM. AND YOU'RE NOT MORE MATURE THAN ME. I'M STARTING TO NOT EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN REDUCED TOO. I WANT TO SAY THE THINGS SCREAMING IN MY HEAD BUT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A REGRET AND I KNOW IF I SAY THESE THINGS, I WILL BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU ABANDONED ME, I WILL NOT DO IT TO YOU. Sing To Me...

[ Isn't this nice? ] [24May05] [ mood | numb ] [ music | none. ] Isn't it great... no one reads my fucking blurty, so i can just rant rant rant about everyone and no one will ever find out. Wonderful. I finally got the nerve to talk to Lauren today. I went up to her: "Can we talk? (about what?) I was thinking about the game and the quilt yesterday, and those are things that I really want. So if you have no need for them, I would like to have them. (Do you have the pictures?) I have the film, yes, I still have to get them developed. (Well, I'll figure something out.) Oh, great. When you do that just let me know so I can get the game and the quilt. (that's fine) Alright. Bye." This is what two best friends have been reduced to. Because she thinks I am fucking stress. ??? -_-; Sing To Me...

[ Prom ] [23May05] [ mood | lonely ] I realized something a little while ago. I do really wnat to go to Prom. I always have. But I wanted it to be a special night... I wanted someone I cared about to go with me to my Senior Prom... and I don't have one. I never had anyone special like that, and I feel like such a loser. I know I shouldn't feel that way, especially because 1) I won't date anyone younger than me and 2) high-school boys don't hold my interest at all. I hate those jocky guys, i really do... I just always expected the fairy tale to happen to me, and I am getting so impatient. I will wait forever if I have to, but forever makes me cry, and I start to believe that I will never find anyone that wants me. Sing To Me...

[ Belong ] [23May05] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Music of the Night ] Close your eyes start a journey to a strange new world Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before Close your eyes and let music set you free Only then can you belong to me... Sing To Me...

[ Beauty ] [23May05] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | PotO ] Beauty. I'm starting to hate it. How can I try to feel beautiful when I can't see it myself. Sometimes, I think that it's because other people can't see it... but sometimes I can only see it when others do, and that scares me. I don't know how to make myself feel beautiful. Sing To Me...

[ Lauren ] [17May05] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Toy Story ] I miss lauren so much. I'm trying my hardest to get over it and accept it, because I know I have too... but I just can't. How can I forget the friendship we had and just put it behind me? And it hurts even more because she did it with ease, like it wasn't anything to her. So now, it's 1am... I am sitting here crying my eyes out while listening to sappy friendship songs and songs about being lonely (one being 'You've got a friend in me' from Toy Story) And once I start thinking about it... I can't stop. Like, I was talking to someone about the whole situation today, and I kinda got down and started to cry because she is having some problems with her wrist, and I feel like I want to hold her and comfort her and I can't. And then I was simply surfing the net and I found this quote... Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you have never met We were such good friends, I can't even start to begin to understand the idea that it is all over. 2 Sweet Songs Sing To Me...

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