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[02 Sep 2003|07:34am] -Silently reminds himself to update his journal as he passed by the computer. He stopped in his tracks and decided it wouldn't hurt to make one update before he headed off to the bathroom. Turning back to the computer, he pulled his seat back and sat down.- Hi. I smell food. It's reminding me that I hadn't eaten yet and I probably should because yo, that would be a good idea. I haven't seen Jessica in like forever. I don't know where she's been. I've been stuck at home since we cancelled out the last leg of the Warped tour. It's all good. All that time and relaxation is good for me. Now where the hell is my fiance? Someone bring her to me. I stink. I need to take a bath badly. I just read Faith's update and remembered that I had to take her to kindergarten. Haha. Hence why I am headed to the shower. I need to get ready for my first day at kindergarten. I'm so nervous. I HOPE THE KIDS LIKE ME! -Smirks to himself and presses update before getting up and hurrying to the bathroom, eager to meet up with Faith and Benji at the school.- 2 comments|post comment

[20 Aug 2003|06:25pm] I know it's been a while since I updated. Too much shit has happened. So much that I swear my head's going to fucking explode from thinking too much. Let's start from the beginning. I think everyone's heard about that shit that had to do with Joel and Jessica. I guess I should put my own perspective on that because I still think about it but yet I refuse to talk about it with anyone but Mandy. Only because for a while, we were both in the same boat. I'm not sure about now but whatever. I'm never going to say who told me about it, but I'll say this, the moment I heard about it, it fucking killed me. Like someone glued my feet to the pavement and proceeded to fucking run me over with a two-ton truck. I'm fucking scared. I'm scared to fucking lose her because I love her. Fuck yeah, I'm paranoid that I'm going to lose her to someone like Joel. Married or not, he does have plenty more to offer her. What do I got? Nothin'. I got nothing to offer except... me. And I don't know if in the long run, that's enough for her. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous. Why? Cause he's Joel. He's this huge fucking famous guy that all chicks like cause he's so good looking and all that good shit. I mean, these days people don't give a flying fuck if you're married or not, you find someone more interesting, you're gonna want to be with them. Regardless if you're already with someone. People these days will fucking cheat like they were born to do it. It twists a knife in my chest whenever I see 'em talk or hang out or whatever the fuck they do when they're together. It pissed me off hearing them being buddy buddy after I heard about a possibility of them doing things behind mine and Mandy's backs. It really fucking scares me the thought of losing her. I wanted to fucking hit the fuck out of Joel's face and instead I took it out on the one person who was going through the exact same fear. I'm still fucking worried. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't because I fucking am. Maybe it's irrational to feel this way but that's how I feel. I guess that's why I took a break. Just to get away. I know that if I ever see 'em hang out, I wouldn't be able to watch it So if she's cheating on me with him, or with anyone else, I'd rather not fucking know about it I guess there are just some things I'd rather not know because it would kill me. I'm sorry I feel this way. ( I mean every single word ) 4 comments|post comment

[06 Aug 2003|01:21pm] Leukemia is cancer of blood-forming tissue such as bone marrow. Types of leukemia are grouped by the type of cell affected and by the rate of cell growth. Leukemia is either acute or chronic. Acute leukemia involves an overgrowth of very immature blood cells. This condition is life-threatening because there are not enough mature blood cells to prevent anemia, infection and bleeding. A diagnosis of acute leukemia is made when there are 20 percent or more blasts or immature cells in the bone marrow. Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) is a condition in which the bone marrow does not function normally and therefore does not produce enough normal blood cells. The blood cells affected are white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. Some cases of MDS may, over time, progress to acute leukemia. Chronic leukemia involves an overgrowth of mature blood cells. Usually, people with chronic leukemia have enough mature blood cells to prevent serious bleeding and infection. The types of leukemia tend to be linked with certain age groups. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia is most common during childhood and in early adulthood, although it is also diagnosed in adults 30 years old and older. Acute myelogenous leukemia occurs more often in adults. Chronic leukemia is more common between ages 40 and 70 and is rare among young people. MDS is most often found in patients nearing their 60s and 70s. However, there are always exceptions. When your doctor is looking for a specific type of leukemia, he or she will look at chromosome number and appearance, features on the bone marrow cell surface and the appearance of the bone marrow cells under a microscope. The following is a list of the different types of leukemia. Acute Leukemias 1. Acute Undifferentiated Leukemia 2. Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia Acute Myelomonocytic Leukemia Acute Monocytic Leukemia Acute Erythroleukemia Acute Megakaryocytic Leukemia 3. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) T Cell B Cell types (includes Burkitt’s leukemia/lymphoma) Lymphoblastic Lymphoma Myelodysplastic Syndromes 1. Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia 2. Refractory Anemia 3. Refractory Anemia with Ringed Sideroblasts 4. Refractory Anemia with Excess Blasts (RAEB) 5. Refractory Anemia with Excess Blasts in Transformation (RAEB-t) Chronic Leukemias 1. Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL) Hairy Cell Leukemia Mantle Zone Leukemia Marginal Zone Leukemia Splenic Lymphoma 2. Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML) 3. Myeloproliferative Syndromes Polycythemia Essential Thrombocytosis Myelofibrosis ... nice to know 2 comments|post comment

[01 Aug 2003|07:01am] -Yawns and slowly crawls out of his bunk, carefully covering Jess up in his blanket as he stands up. He headed out of the bus immediately and walked across the street to the donut stop where he boght a dozen for him and everyone else. He walked back into the bus and set the box onto the table. He pulled out one donut and switched on his laptop, sitting before it as he quietly ate. He glanced over to Jess, then back down at his laptop as he pulled up the update page on his journal. He set his donut down, thought for a second, then began typing- Been a few days since I've updated. Not much has really happened. I've tried several times to write an update but ended up deleting it from lack of having nothing to write about. I'm waiting for that Shauna lady to interview me. She's interviewin' everyone but me. But I'm comin' soon right cause last time I checked, I'm up after Chris. I've been kind of lurking a bit. Reading jounrals and shit. Uh I hope Mandy and Joel are doing okay. I was around, I think the night the fight happened, but I don't know what happened after. I miss my girlfriend whichh is stupid because she's right there in my bunk but I just miss her. I've had some weird thoughts lately. Some of which I accidentally spilled to Faith. And I realized too late wh I was speaking with. I'm suspecting that either everyoneknows or it's just Jess. Either way, I know Faith's cute little lips flew open. And in advance, it's okay, Faith. Anyway Jess, I love you. I came onto the bus late last night. After everyone was already asleep. I had gone out with Nick, spotted a couple of bars and drank ourselves stupid. Amazingly enough, I woke up find. No hangover which is odd. Nick and I got lost one of two times. Until we figured out which direction our bus was in. Haha. I got in and there was Jess, fast asleep. She's beautiful. I like the way her hair falls across the pillow. The stark contrast of black against white. And I like how strands of her hair would fall across her cheek and she'd reach up and push it away in the midst of sleeping. I love everything about her. That smirk she gives me everything she teases me gets me everytime. Or the way she pouts and whines my name when I don't let her get her way. Heh. She's just really special to me. Those of you in love understand. Now excuse me, I'm going to get up and cuddle with my girl. -Hits update and gets up without waiting for it to post or bothering to shut the laptop. He stood up and crawled into his bunk, cuddling to Jess who sleepily wrapped her arms around him- 1 comment|post comment

[26 Jul 2003|07:30am] -Slowly, he blinked awake and turned to lay down facing the other side when he was aware of an arm draped around his stomach and a series of soft breaths fanning against the skin of his neck. he turned his gaze over to his side and found himself staring into Jessica's sleeping face, her eyelashes pressed softly against her cheek as she breathed slowly and evenly against his neck, her head resting against the crook of his shoulder. He moved just slightly, as so not to wake her and carefully slid out of her arms. He stopped moving as she restlessly shifted in her sleep and crawled out of his bunk, pulling the covers up to her shoulders as he walked off towards the back where he had left his laptop on the table the night before. He logged on quickly, absently scratching his arm as he waited for his update-page to load.- Fuck. It's early. I can't believe I'm up. I don't know much about what's been happening. After my last update, I pretty much tuned everything else out and concentrated on the things that I could see and take control of. The band. The music. Jessica. Not that I could take control of her. But at least she's something, or someone rather that could keep me sane and keep my feet planted onto the ground. It's funny how the last person you could never imagine being with becomes the person you can't imagine being without. Even for the short amount of time I've been with her, she's stuck with me through the crazy things that have been going on. From the first moment we met, I guess we kind of just clicked and I didn't even really think about it much until well, it happened. And then I found myself in a confusing but yet familiar spot. But even after I cleared myself and I allowed myself to just be with her, there were still hurdles to jump over. And she kind of just took my hand and helped my climb over them. It surprised me how easy it came being romantic and sappy with her. I was never like that. Ever. In a way, it disappointed me that I couldn't be that way with someone when I was with her, but at the same time, it didn't. It's a completely new side of me that I've just discovered and I'm not sure I want to go back to how I was before. I guess you could say, Jessica brought out the side of me that I didn't think was there, let alone even exist. Even the way I'm talking right now. When was the last time I talked this way about anyone? Try, never. I guess she makes me want to change. For the better. Makes me want to stop the stupid shit I'm doing and do my best at the things I'm good at instead of just standing there being completely shits and giggles like I usually am. Jessica's about to wake up so I'll stop where I am right now and see what she wants to eat for breakfast. Peace. -He hit update and stood up, shivering a little in the morning cold and headed back over to his bunk where he could see her rolling over in bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. He sat down besides her and watched as she struggled to wake herself up more, smirking slightly.- 2 comments|post comment

[25 Jul 2003|12:40am] [ mood | aggravated ] -bends and unbends the bill of his baseball cap, a frown etching across his face as he stares at his blank screen. shoves the cap back onto his head and places his hands down; starts to type rapidly- Okay, so I think it's time I update about what's been happening. I already admitted I was wrong for liking someone else while I was with her, and I already apologized. But fuck - let's stop antagonizing Matt and saying shit about him, huh? And most of you fuckers who have been saying shit about me, you have no business being all up in my life in the first place, so do yourselves a favor and pay attention to your own shit. As for her. I apologized for what I did to you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect hero for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be all the things you were expecting me to be. But I'm not a perfect person. I make mistakes too, just like you and just like every human being on this planet. I have flaws that would make the worst sinner on this earth look like a saint. But saying I never gave a shit about you or that everything about me was a "lie"? What's that? If I never gave a shit about you, I sure as hell would not have asked you out in the first place and I wouldn't have gone out of the way to explain to you why I couldn't break up with you. If I was just some random jackass, I would have either just cheated on you or just break up and not give you a good reason why. So don't say I gave a shit when I obviously did and the sad thing is - despite what you've been saying about me, I still do. You not being around for me seems to be more out of choice then inconvenience. You seem to be around a fuck of a lot more now that you're with someone else. It was never out of choice and it sure was never just an inconvenience. I'm sorry I just could not be around for you when you needed me. I had a job to do and believe it or not, I'm still doing it. I didn't just drop everything I was doing to be with Jessica. Yeah, it made things easier because she's on the bus, but I still don't see her that much. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I feel bad that I made you lose whatever faith in me that you had, but it was better to just tell you instead of lead you around like a stray puppy. -sighs to himself and rubs his eye tiredly- I don't fucking know what else to say. There's a lot more that I want to say but either I can't bring myself to say it or I just don't know how to put it into words. It's both actually. Have a good fucking night. 2 comments|post comment

[21 Jul 2003|12:45am] [ mood | touched ] Nothing makes me feel better than hearing these from a five year old's lips: ( Me and Faith ) ::picks Faith up and brings her to her room, pulling back the covers from her bed and sliding her in, tucking the blankets around her body. leans down and presses a kiss to her cheek then turns and leaves her room, leaving the nightlight on and closing the door behind him:: 6 comments|post comment

[19 Jul 2003|10:20pm] [ mood | pissed off ] Fuck you all. Nothing to be said Except you make me wish I was dead I never felt this way before Open chest, heart on the floor I never wished that I was dead Until I met you 2 comments|post comment

[17 Jul 2003|09:10pm] [ mood | hungry ] -chews thoughtfully on the end of a piece of a jolly rancher and leans his chair back, propping his feet up on the table in front of him and crossing his legs as he glances down at the laptop in front of him, looks up as Nick enters the bus with his girlfriend in tow and nods at them. "Hey guys, gettin' ready to get busy?" he smirks as Nick gives him the finger and turns his attention back to the laptop, staring blankly at the white box in front of him, wondering what to write. finally getting an idea, he rests his fingers on the keys and lightly begins typing, trying to block out the sudden sounds of moaning from a nearby part of the bus- It's Thursday and we have no show to do for tonight or tomorrow. Thank the fuckin' Lord. I've been stressed and tired from this tour and I think a little break was needed. Even if it's just two days since we have no shows to do tomorrow, either. Last night was Mandy's premiere for her new movie. I went along with Maggie, Jess, Jessi, and Janie. They were all my dates. Haha. Yes. I was the luckiest son of a bitch there. It's not everyday you go on a date with four hot-ass chicks to the movies. The past several days have been really crazy. I don't even remember half the events. As if you've prolly already figured out, Maggie is my girlfriend now. I took the chicken way out and wrote her a letter asking her to be mine. Luckily, she answered it and I found the answered taped to her door when I came by to check. The 'YES' was circled. Which made me happy. And excited. I've been hanging out with Jessi a bit. When we went to the mall the other day and I helped her pick out what to wear for the premiere and then just yesterday before the premiere, we hung out at the park after which I went and saw Maggie. Had a little mud-fight with her which was actually -- pretty fun. I haven't had that much fun just throwing mud around in a while. So I think I should do that again. Just randomly throw Maggie into a pit of mud. Hehe! -makes a face as the sounds of moaning and grunting become louder and quickly presses update. he stands up and walks past the bunks... "Hey uh, I'll be outside if you need me." shrugs when there's no answer and heads outside- 2 comments|post comment

[12 Jul 2003|06:42am] [ mood | nervous ] Okay, here goes. -stands in front of Maggie's place, his gaze riveted to her front door. swallows nervously and glances down at the letter in his hand and reread it again- Dear Maggie, Will you be mine? Cirlce: YES or NO Sincerely, Matt -slides it under her door and rings her doorbell. grabs his skateboard and gets out of there as fast as he can, hoping she didn't catch sight of him before he disappeared around the corner- 4 comments|post comment

[10 Jul 2003|09:29am] [ mood | frustrated ] -sits himself down on the couch besides Nick, passed out in a sitting position, a beer bottle in his hand. nudges him aside and lifts his foot up, bracing it against the chair positioned in front of the couch and placed the pad of paper on his knee. reaches up and grabs the pen he had slid behind his ear earlier and uncaps it. nervously bites down on the cap as he recalls the conversation he had with Jessi at Denny's the night before- Dear M, I don't know how to start this letter. I have never written a girl a letter before. Unless you count the time in middle school where I asked a girl to be my girlfriend and told her to circle either yes or no. Then got embarrassed when she came over and yelled 'no' to my face before ripping up the letter and throwing it on the ground. I never wrote a girl a letter again. But that's besides the point. A good friend of mine told me that my mind may be telling me to do one thing and my heart another, but it's always going to be my heart that makes me happy. I guess she's right because last night, I finally knew what it was I really wanted. No, I shouldn't say wanted. Because you're not a plaything. I finally knew what or rather, who it was that I needed. It's the girl this letter is written specifically for. And maybe I had known all along, my mind just wasn't listening to my heart. They were going in two different directions all at once, which may explain why I've been so confused about everything. I'm sorry I hurt you. I know I did. I know I made you angry, too, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could just be perfect for you and not make any mistakes but I'm all too human. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any flaws. Maybe it'd make things easier on me. And you're probably sitting there shaking your head at this letter and wondering why I even bothered to write this thing. Maybe I pissed you off bad enough to make you want to rip this letter up and if you want to, go ahead. No one's there to stop you. I guess I just wanted you to know that even though I did the stupidest things, I still cared about you. I still do. And we only went on one date but that was enough for me. And I'm stupid. I know I'm hurting Christina with every word that I write but it was even she who advised me to go for who my heart wants and if you don't mind, it's you. Sincerely, Matt -rereads what he wrote and sighs, deciding he rambled too much in it. slams the pad cover down and pushes the notebook away, taking off his baseball hat and scratching his head in frustration. gets up and tosses his cap aside, heading for the fridge and pulling out a fresh bottle of beer. uncaps the beer and takes a long swig. heads for his bunk and lays down in it, putting on his headphones and turning on his CD player, his mind drifting as he thought silently to himself- ( Back to the drawing board... ) -quickly finishes off his beer and tosses it into the nearest garbage can. turns on his side and shuts his eyes, trying to sleep away the rest of the day- 3 comments|post comment

[08 Jul 2003|08:20am] [ mood | confused ] -rubs his temples in a vain attempt to remove the pounding headache on his brain. grabs the bottle of beer at his bedside and takes a quick swig before setting it down, wincing at the 'clunk!' the bottle made on the surface- Hangovers are a bitch. Like you wouldn't have known that without my telling you. Erika says I need to update or something so here I go. Yesterday was a bitch and then some. I left the beach pissed off cause some people who I will not name, were making fun of my dick size. First off I was talking about shoe sizes and that somehow turned to making fun of me jewels. Thanks a lot. I ain't mad about it anymore but it still stings. Making fun of a guy's size is like making fun some silly chick being fat and ugly. It's a sensitive subject, don't broach it unless you want a guy pissed off as hell at you. Yeah so, Tony and Erika are engaged now and yeah, that's pretty fast but as long as they're hapy, I don't got a problem with it. But Erika, be careful with my cousin's heart. Don't want shattered pieces of it all over my floor. It's gonna be a bitch to clean that up from my carpet. -pushes his AFI beanie low over his face and stifles a tired yawn- So onto the real purpose of this update. I have, never in my life, have been this confused about two girls. Two really awesome chicks. It would be easier if one of them was a real shallow bitch, but no, they gotta be amazing and sweet. I'm about ready to just say, "Fuck it" and just be a bachelor. That's easier than hurting any of them. I don't even know why they find me interesting. I'm the world's biggest dumbass. I'm immature, I'm an alcoholic, and not to mention, I can't take almost anything really seriously. Yeah, don't sound too appealing now, do I? That bachelor shit is really starting to look better and better. They can do much better than me anyways. -stops writing to rub his head again. gives up completely and stands up to find any aspirin laying around and mumbling to himself- Fuck, it hurts to think. 2 comments|post comment

[02 Jul 2003|02:58pm] [ mood | tired ] -sighs to himself and turns the AC in the room on higher, deciding it isn't enough and peels off his damp shirt from his sweaty back- It's fuckin' hot as hell in here. Humid too. I fuckin' hate it. I feel like fucking walking into a refridgerator and going to sleep in there for a while until the this heatwave passes. So, I went on a date with Maggie yesterday. I didn't expect her to say yes to me, actually. She's like this hot actress chick and I'm just this loser in a band. She could date Tom Cruise or whatever that fag's name is but she decides to go on a date with me instead. It ended far too soon and I'm hoping for a new one soon after this, but we'll see. It depends. On what, you ask? I have no answer for you. But I do know that she's a pretty interesting person. And no, I'm not in love with her like Tony says. Yeah, I heard about you saying that, man. Not cool. Hah. -reaches up and absent-mindedly wipes the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand, grabbing the mug of beer at his side and taking a quick sip before placing it down on the table- Saw Mandy and Joel the other day. I don't remember about what happened and I'm glad none of them posted about it. I'm pretty sure I embarrassed myself. All I remember from that night was Joel telling me to quit doing something and then Mandy telling me she needed to get me home so I can sleep it off. I think I was drunk and gotten into one of my stupid, idiotically hyper moods again. Sorry. Tony went to the hospital again the other night. Fun shit. And I heard from the management that Benji is flying out here on Warped soon to spend a week with us. KICK ASS, DUDE. Bring Brody and your kid with you. Rollin' with the homies. Peace out kiddies. Be good. -hits 'update' and logs off, turning off his computer and heading out to the living room where the AC was on at a full blast- 4 comments|post comment

[29 Jun 2003|11:44am] [ mood | tired ] -rubs his head with the tips of his fingers and sets the bottle of vodka down on the table, his eyes bleary and tired looking- I feel like complete and utter shit. I was hyped up like hell yesterday. I was hyper and running around with the guys and just making a jackass of myself when I had to stop and think, Why am I running around being stupid when my cousin's in a wheelchair? Stupid fucker. So I sobered right up and went to see him. I hung out with him, his girl and two other chicks last night but I just wasn't into it. Maybe I'll be better today but it's not most likely. I'm real worried about Tony even if I act like I'm not. I know he'll be alright, but I'm just a pussy wanker and worry about him anyway. He's family, what the fuck am I gonna do? Laugh it off? Um, it feels really weird to be typing in a journal. I talked to Benji. Seems like things aren't going so good. I wish him the best of luck. It ain't easy being in love but things will work out. Look at me dishing out advice. And ones that actually make sense, too. -laughs- So yeah, that's it. Thank you and goodnight. -picks his bottle of vodka right back up and heads outside to look for his cousin- 6 comments|post comment

[28 Jun 2003|06:00am] [ mood | complacent - yeah don't know what the fuck this means. ] As introductions go, I'm Matt Lovato. I'm in Mest with my cousin Tony. I play the guitar. I don't sing because I can't sing. And that's really all you gotta know. Oh that and I really enjoyed meeting your mom last night. ;) AIM --> mest matt up 8 comments|post comment

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