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Finding the tip of the Mobius strip [06 Jun 2011|10:18am] [ music | Paolo Nutini - Candy ] "Only two kinds of people can talk without inhibitions. Strangers or lovers. Everyone in between is just negotiating." -James Grippando He's leaving in a few days, and he invited me out to lunch. I wasn't afraid because we've been such good friends now, and I've resolved whatever needed resolving. Although, who knows, I might just be in danger of undoing everything with just one weak moment of random nostalgia. Reminds one of tito Nietzsche's eternal recurrence and the unbearable heaviness of being, because we all get bored once in a while. Anyway, he owed that pasalubong he said he bought for me. So, we had lunch today. I was semi-happy, and semi-disappointed because God missed me by one boy again (there's one I'm presently pining for, but that's tangential). So, there he was. Always the proper guy, bidding me proper farewell, offering proper gifts. Didn't this happen before? Oh yes, as they say, einmal ist keinmal! ***** I took out the gift. A pair of socks with imprint of a boyband I once fancied. It's lovely, and cute, I tell him. It's probably not going to fit, but that wasn't the point. I put the gift back inside the black plastig bag that contained the pair. Then he says, "I have news about me." Then I say, "On top of the 8 pounds you lost?" He was actually disappointed I didn't notice he lost weight. He said I missed the moment during the first ten minutes. "Yes," he says, laughing. Pause. Then I say, "Oh god, are you getting engaged?" "Yes, well, I'm planning to." And I was okay with it. I was happy for him. As in. I was so proud of myself I almost broke my arm patting my own back. After a couple of hours, we parted ways, punctuating the friendly date with the least homosensual man hug we could muster. **** I went back to my cubicle, still gleaming with pride. I checked the small bag; took out the socks. I laughed. It probably doesn't mean anything, but wouldn't it be nice if he meant it. The fantasy disappeared as fast as it came. I can't figure out how I missed this one detail the first time I looked at it. Well yeah, it's probably nothing. But it's not everyday you get socks that bore the phrase, elusive and ubiquitous, "I love you". It's just funny. I slightly regret not reading it in front of him; I would've joked about it. But that's how we were, how we always were. All missed opportunities. Why don't we play Alanis Morisette's Ironic while we're at it run me over

Alice in Paradigm-Shifting Land [24 Aug 2010|06:42pm] [ mood | flabbergasted ] [ music | All Saints - Rock Steady ] I know I've ended my unilateral non-relationship with Paradigm-Shift-Inducing Boy of the Not So Distant Past, but I still want to honor that memory. Haller, kahit paano, nayanig din naman ang mundo ko nun, or kung hindi man mundo, yung weltanschauung ko. So, I guess it's just appropriate to pay respect to that memory (emphasis on memory, not ze boy). The moment cosmic forces decided to burst my personal soapbubble (they snuck up behind me, I tells ya!), I went back to seeing ze boy as he truly is, without the little hearts and twinkle-twinkle li'l effing stars. No bitterness in the background (I swear!), I realized I needed him to be special. Seriously. It had to be the simplest version of me who could fall in love with only the best version of him. That's how I meet halfway. Wait, how come even in my attempt at humility, I still sound so ... so ... me. I'm terribly hopeless. HA! To be fair, I didn't mind that he wouldn't be able to keep up whenever I discuss, say, the emotive meaning of categorical imperatives, or that he's frightened of polysyllables, or that he constantly uses the wrong prepositions, or that he finds my witticisms plain as a deck of chatty playing cards--odd, but terribly unfunny. I was fine with that, with all that, because he had something else to offer--normalcy. (Okay, in this context, normalcy is a positive idea. *evil laftir*) Whatever the context was at the time-my feelings, him, me-we're all carrying a different set of measures. I've said it before, it's like when you're in a dream, or maybe a fantasy world, a lot of weird things happen, no proper transitions, no permanent structures, a lot of peculiar but familiar creatures, but you don't think they're odd. Like you wouldn't get surprised that there's a talking white rabbit with a watch run past, or that you're offered mushroom by a hookah-smoking caterpillar. Now that it's over, I couldn't even recall how it felt like. I remember being ha-ha-happy all the time, smiling like an idiot, my vocabulary reduced to whoa!, huh?, yehey!, gah!, hehe, hmmm, and other types of onomatopeia, but besides that, nothing. As in. Maybe Paradigm Reversion is as odd as Paradigm Shifts, which, according to Kuhn, "are discontinuous, non-cumulative and abrupt ..." Or maybe, the fact that there's a Paradigm Reversion means there was really no Paradigm Shift, that it was all just a complicated case of (what Jowein refers to as) Paradigm Tilt. (You really must read that while your head is a little tilted, much better effect). Now it really just feels like my sister woke me up for an afternoon tea. "Oh, I've had such a curious dream," I'd tell her. *YAWN* I guess I'm just glad I came out of the proverbial rabbit hole LARGELY unscathed. Yey!   run me over

Nasubukan na ba ni Kuhn umibig? [24 Aug 2010|06:39pm] I've been discussing the concept of "paradigm shifts" with fellow Philo-Majorette Jowein, and how Thomas Kuhn might have more to say about  my personal issues than I'd ever expect. "As a paradigm is stretched to its limits, anomalies — failures of the current paradigm to take into account observed phenomena — accumulate. Some anomalies may be dismissed as errors in observation, others as merely requiring small adjustments to the current paradigm that will be clarified in due course. Some anomalies resolve themselves spontaneously, having increased the available depth of insight along the way. As anomalous [interpretations] build up, a crisis is reached, at which point a new paradigm, which subsumes the old [interpretation] along with the anomalous [interpretation] into one framework. In time, if the challenging paradigm is solidified and unified, it will replace the old paradigm, and a paradigm shift will have occurred. In The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, Kuhn also argues that rival paradigms are incommensurable — that is, it is not possible to understand one paradigm through the conceptual framework and terminology of another rival paradigm. For many critics, for example David Stove (Popper and After, 1982), this thesis seemed to entail that ‘theory choice’ is fundamentally irrational: if rival theories cannot be directly compared, then one cannot make a rational choice as to which one is better." The revisiting of Kuhn's theory on paradigm shift has been preceded by The Mango-Melon Phenomenon previously observed and documented. In the said phenomenon, a specific element (in taste) in the form of Mango-Melon (as opposed to the familiar Mango shake), has initially been considered as anomalous. Existing  paradigm, at the onset, cannot recognize Mango-Melon taste, thus, rejection ensues.  However, the curiosity to understand the anomaly overpowers "emotional  conservatism", and reassessment of the existing paradigm is made. This is futile, since the anomaly will remain an anomaly unless a new paradigm is constructed. The construction of a new paradigm, especially in the context of human emotions, is both irrational and unsystematic, but nonetheless, necessary. "The paradigm shifts are discontinuous, non-cumulative and abrupt changes in the discourse, very little is carried over from the old paradigm." When a new paradigm is set, the anomaly ceases to be an anomaly, and in fact, in certain instances, becomes the central principle or the overarching theme of the new paradigm. The importance of the Mango versus Mango-Melon example is that the adoption of either schema is made not because of cumulative ... achievements or problem solvings, because "there [are] no external standards for the rejection or acceptance of either one. Rather there was 'simply a change demanded by the adoption of a new paradigm'.'' That being said, an explicit clarification must be made: that the statement "You could be my anomaly" is an endearing proposition, rather than an insulting one. Yun lang. run me over

I dreamt of him (Or, damn you Chris Nolan!) [24 Aug 2010|06:35pm] Yesterday, after some serious re-assessment of my feelings for he-who-remains-to-be-a-boy, and realizing that I've lost myself (or I've reconfigured so much, I was beyond recognition), I decided to shelve this almost-month-long episode to the confines of my subconscious. Bury it there. Don't get me wrong, I adore him to pieces, but that one moment ... it kind of crystallized the picture (the default presumption) that he just doesn't like me. And I'm okay. Really. It felt like it was all a dream, and I was living this character that was both me and anti-me at the same time. And yesterday afternoon, my consciousness was jarred with a quick blow, and I saw the pointlessness of this venture. I found this version of me, the unassuming, dreamy, ego-less, I'm-just-smiling-all-the-freakin'-time version, whittle down to a mere memory--intangible and distant. It was like I woke up from a dream. After that, I realized I just miss myself, I miss being liked, I miss being able to impress someone, and being told that I've impressed him. With zero-bitterness, my bubble was burst. I wasn't devastated. I lived to write about it. *** This morning, after having breakfast with the dragonboat team, I went home. I just wanted to sleep, I needed some rest. After I showered, I set my alarm at 4 o'clock pm, then I slept. I don't know how the dream began, basta all of us are in this three-storey inuman place, and we are all drinking. At some point everybody goes missing, and I walk around to look for you. You are all in the basement, or was it the ground floor? I'm not sure. Everybody's lying down. There are dying bodies all around, and everyone's eating human flesh. Blood was everywhere. Somebody offers me a piece of human meat, I don't know which part was it from. I just pretend to munch on it. Then I spit it all out in the gutter. I lay beside you, but you end up sitting on top of my legs, but you are light as a feather, I don't complain. You touch my right leg, ever so softly, and then you work your way to my ankle, caressing it, massaging it. That was my cue. Can we talk? I said. "Gusto kita." "Gusto rin kita." "Tayo na?" "Gusto ko yon." Didn't matter who said which, the important thing was, mutual attraction was established. I was emotionally agitated, but I wasn't sure if it was because of the unexpected cannibalism or because you requited with little or no cowardly hesitation. Either way, it was odd, I didn't need a totem, I should've known it was dream. *** Cut to next scene. We are all in a waterpark with huge slides. There's one that seems to go on forever. I loved that slide. There's one moment when we stand in opposite ends of the pool. I run to you, and I hold your hand. Everybody sees it, but no one's surprised. It's like they expected it all along. We'd separate once in a while, but we always find each other and end up holding hands. I ask why you like me, and you ask why I like you. There's no verbal ostentation, in common parlance we discussed how much we really, really like each other. And I guess, we really, really just like each other. We tell our friends that we really, really like each other, and they see that we really, really just like each other. It's absurd. I see you smiling, I'm guessing I was smiling too. I was happy like SpongeBob with Patrick going out to catch jelly fish. Weeeeh!!!!! Ya-hooooo!!!! *** I remember this particularly special moment: We are seated close, and I was trying to recall how it felt when I was keeping my safe distance. Well, it felt like it happened a long, long time ago, when I was sure you couldn't like me back, when I decided nothing could happen between us. How strange it feels being that close to you. I hold your hand, and it feels familiar, like I've held it before. Then we find ourselves nose to nose, sometimes chin to chin. It feels familiar, like it happened before. De javu. You know how in dreams you have a different set of memories, it's like I was remembering a manufactured past. Of course, but I wouldn't realize it until I wake up. In this dream, there's this non-needy, unassuming version of me that was basking in glorious happiness. I'm unafraid and guilt-free, knowing you want me too. And there are times when you go missing, and I somehow find you. Seeing each other, we act surprised. You hold my hand and we skip, we skip, skip, skip to the Lou, we skip to the Lou, my darling. And I'm happy. And I'm happy that you're happy too. We are freakin' happy, it's insane. And it didn't feel like I was in a dream. I guess when you feel like you're in a dream, you're probably awake. I don't know, just a thought. *** I wake up. For a moment I couldn't tell which was the dream, which was longing, and which was the real memory. For a moment, just when my senses were about to form this cohesive notion of reality, I couldn't tell which character I woke up as. It was like Christopher Nolan screwed with my synapses and subsequently blurred the lines. It was all confusing. I woke up. Wait. I thought I have. run me over

The absurd kind of happiness [24 Aug 2010|06:25pm] [ mood | ha-ha-happy ] In a way, it's now easier to imagine Sisyphus happy. Moment, moment, moment. Great moments are great, but they're just moments, they begin, they end. Like that moment when we ... Or that moment when you said ... and then I wondered what you meant. Or that moment when you mentioned ... and I laughed because you were being silly again. And that moment when I said ... and of course you laughed, I guess I was being silly too. Or that moment when I couldn't sleep, but then you said "goodnight" ... only then was I able to doze off. I love those moments, but that last one, that was my favorite. I blush everytime I think about it. I guess I blush all the time now, it's absurd. But no matter how I love each moment, I know they don't linger. Experience one, move on to the next. Even if they end up being the same movement, the same boulder, the same mountain. I guess it's much easier to look at things, to look at you-to think of you, in fragments. In tiny, minute moments we could be together. I imagine. In those moments we're great, careless, and spontaneous. It's much easier to bear. Because looking at the bigger picture makes everything seem damaged and inconsistent, almost heartbreaking―we'd seem like these splinters or puzzle pieces whose edges don't seem to fit. Same shiz may happen again, and again, and again. We go up, only to find ourselves back down where we started. The thing is, I look forward to meeting you at the foot of the mountain. Let's conclude that all is well, right Oedipus? That, as Camus would put it, the struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. It's easy! *APIR*   run me over

Those tiny things [24 Aug 2010|06:24pm] I'd rather drown you in words. Obscure.   Incomprehensible. Inane. Than tell you straight, that I use little hearts  ♥♥♥ to spell out your name. run me over

brief encounters with destiny [13 Jul 2010|05:18pm] Is it destiny if I encountered this guy thrice in the same day? Well, it does help that he's in the same building. Through mad stalking skillz (I learned from Jowein), I've discovered that he works at BDO's Asset Management Office (2nd floor), probably top position (he looks forty-ish, but still, extremely hot for his age, with his confident stance and sexy gray hair). I was planning to deliver this powerful one-liner, once I gather up the courage (or enough alcohol in my system): "Hey, just wanna assk if you wanna assess my assets?" But it kinda feels weird having too many asses in one statement. So I'm deferring until a better one comes up. Once I was in the elevator with him, and I heard him talking over the phone. Great voice, the type that could bring you to orgasm whenever he says, "Hello". "Ateh, I think he's trying to seduce me," I told Bennet. "Why?" "We were in the same elevator, and I think he was pretending to talk to someone over the phone." "What did he say?" "Well, as he was about to go out of the elevator, he looked at me, and then he said, 'Prepare the documents.'" "And?" "That's it! Who says that, right? He was totally hitting on me! And he wasn't even being discreet!" "Sure. Sure. Nobody says 'Prepare the documents' especially those who are about to go to an office filled with, say, documents. That's just weird. Yeah, he's totally coming on to you." "I know!" Oh, and I checked, he doesn't have a ring on any of his fingers. Nice. I mean, it's great. The last thing I need is a married man! All of my exes, they're all married. We break up and then they get married... Why didn't they ask me to marry them, I would've said no but at least they could've asked! Sorry, Before Sunset hang-over.   run me over

Suffering intolerance [03 Jul 2010|05:11pm] [ mood | foorigitgit yeah! ] Not everyone knows this, and sometimes I feel embarrassed talking about it.  I'm lactose intolerant. Let's be technical about this shiz. Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest lactose, the main sugar in milk. Intake of food products that contain milk gives rise to gastrointestinal symptoms, which may include diarrhea, flatulence, abdominal pain, bloating, and in some instances, nausea. That means I have to constantly avoid milk, which I love, and other milk-containing products like ice cream or halo-halo. And can I just say I love lactose. (I can't believe I used the word love, referring to lactose. I guess this isn't the only time I love something I could barely tolerate.) This is not to say I haven't tried. I have, of course I have. Occasional banana splits, milk shakes every now and then. I've even had my cake, and I've eaten it too. But I always end up in the same place―the toilet, spending a good amount of time screaming in pain. That's why I've secretly hated milk-drinkers, especially those who drink to my face, without any sense of remorse for those who can't enjoy the beverage. Damn public displays of milk-drinking! I have considered milk substitutes, like soy or yogurt. But it's not the same. Substitutes are like fantasies, they give you a little taste of what you want, but the truth remains, they are far from being the real thing. At times, I can't help but feel at fault for being deficient in lactase (the enzyme that breaks down lactose to allow absorption). I am genetically screwed-up never to enjoy most delightful desserts, and I can't do much to change that. But it's not my fault, I know it's not my fault. I guess, the old aphorism that you really shouldn't want what you can't have applies to anyone. Because if you insist on wanting it, you might just have it, and once you get a taste of it, you'll end up in the toilet, nauseated, crying, screaming in pain.       run me over

The hidden burden of unsinglefication [29 Jun 2010|04:52pm] [ mood | yebah! ]   I realized I was getting old when I was outranted by someone few years my junior with "gusto ko nang magkaboypren" pronouncements. Not that I'm in a better situation ... the circumstances haven't changed, it's the demeanor - the calm acceptance that some somethings just don't happen to some people. Anyway, as the oldest, and perhaps the most experienced in NOT EXPERIENCING ANYTHING, I knew I had stuff to share. Years of spinster-sessions have given me wisdom, which I am willing to share. Unsinglefy I recently introduced to my new audience the concept of unsinglefication, a neology I coined referring to the process of romantic depersonalization - to deprive one's sense of personal identity, mainly, as a single person for the purposes of entering an adult relationship. A concept that is vital, yet unconciously dismissed by most. It's not enough to just open yourself up and say that you want to be in a relationship. Based on vicarious experiences (thanks J!), being in a relationship requires you to compromise, and accept the fact that you're no longer living for and on your own. That you have to constantly establish connection with your partner, even through the simplest means, sending text like, say, "Kumain ka na ba?" and all that vomit-inducing shiz. It's highly recommended that you learn how to unsinglefy while you're young. 16 is a good age to start. Make all the mistakes, because by the time you reach your 30s, it's a little more difficult to stop yourself from hurling the moment he-who-deserves-a-million-entries suddenly suggests that couple/matching shirts are a brilliant idea. Also, you can't take your time. You have to do it fast because the cosmic forces and even the guy you  are constantly pinning over aren't going to wait for you. It's sad when you finally realize what it means to unsinglefy, and wham! Time's up! Finished or not finished, pass your papers! Right minus wrong.  Black ballpen only. No erasures. Touch move. Checkmate. Somebody ate the King, and the Queen, with her shiny tiara, stands alone.   run me over

The bitter sting [17 Jun 2010|04:45pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | gives you hell - all american rejects ]   "Ako, enjoy ko uminom ng beer kahit mag-isa lang," sabi ni Sean, officemate ko. "Ewww, you're weird," sabi ko. "Bakit ikaw, hindi?" "Ayokong uminom mag-isa. Parang, the beer tastes more bitter ... or that could've been just my tears." *Sabay yuko* "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"     *that shouldn't have been funny run me over

ALL WIGGED UP (BLOCK C REUNION) [23 Dec 2009|04:50pm] It would be too early to call it a reunion, I mean we last saw each other a few months ago, and that doesn't really constitute estrangement that requires a so-called "reunion". Nagdinner muna sa Brooklyn Pizza.  As usual, late kami ulit ni Joel.  Si Nickson, humabol lang dahil nanggaling pa sa dinner with other members of DTTB. As expected, na-haggard ang mga tao with my WIG, ("totoo ba yan?" "Hinde. Wig lang.") and many times nakisympathize sa pagkangawit ng leeg dahil sa frequent flicking of bangs. After that, nauna na sina Gene and Diane.  Maj sausage fest, as in all boys, well not really.  Attack kami sa Blue Room, kung saan pinag-usapan ang buhay ng pagiging Doktor.   Mga updates: 1.  Yves: pinag-uusapan pa rin si OTL (revised as Once Truly Loved), pero pero pero, wala na talaga . 2. Diane: nagkabalikan na silang muli nung exboypren niya.  Judgement judgement judgement.  Hay nako. 3. Rambo: going strong sila ni Veron, yeheyyy!  Pag-ibig nga naman. 4. Nickson: nakadestino na sa Abra bilang kasapi ng Doctors to the Barrios. Sila pa rin daw ni "Beh", pero, take note, nagbuntung-hininga siya nung kinumusta ko sila. 5. Joel: todo todo ang pagsisikap, siya ang pinakamaraming raket sa amin.  Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang kanyang Joelloyd School of Random Philosophy: "Malalaman mong malaki ang boobs pag pinakinggan mo ang tawa (Joel Asi, 2009)."  Sige, explain mo. 6. Pepe: working for Doc Jimmy (like me), at ganon pa rin, hindi parin ma-prounounce ng tama ang "tatlo". 7. Gene: nagsimula na ang residency sa Internal Medicine, congratulations.  Ibig sabihin, wala pa siyang sweldo hanggang March. Go Gene!!!  Good luck sa wards. 8. Joyce: absent, pero nagre-residency na daw sa Perps, Pedia. 9. Euge: absent din, taking up residency in his home province, anaesthesia naman. run me over

[19 Dec 2009|04:48pm] Mukha ngang nagtipid ang mga tao at hindi ganon ka-garbo ang mga lanterns.  Dapat lang, dahil sa global recession at sa bagyong Ondoy kelangan nga namang mag-adapt ng mga tao.  Bawal ang ostentatious - warning na dapat sinasabit sa leeg ni Aling Dionisia, pero wag na lang baka mahaba-habang inuman ang kelangan bago niya maintindihan o ma-spell ang salitang ostentatious. In the end, dahil sa kakamatyag ng mga cuties/gwapitos/enchong dees, nagmukhang Boy Parade 2009 ang whole event.  To be fair, after 5 years, nag-improve naman ang population ng UP, kasi nung nag-aaral pa ako dun half-a-decade ago, myth lang ang konseptong guwapong estudyante, unless merong napadpad na boy galing sa kabilang bakod ng Katipunan. After manuod ng fireworks, dumating si Jowein, ang aking dakilang SuperTwin, ang Julio ng aking Julia - kambal ng tadhana.  At habang hinihintay ang mga ka-Bellas na sina Ching and Atty Bo (UPM '02), nag-crash muna kami sa party ng mga Librarians (*Bibliotech).  For a moment, in-assume ng mga tao na sa library mismo ang party.  Haller?!?  Napaka-novel na idea nga naman yun, party party party sa silid-aklatan, pero same rules apply.  Bawal ang noisy.  Goodluck na lang diba.  Pero siyempre, ang location ay sa likod ng lib, sa isa sa mga tindahan. Ang funny lang, kasi so highschool ang playlist ng mga kidlets.  As in.  No kidding.  Sumayaw kami sa musika ng mga important artists ng dekada nobenta, na nag-establish ng musical milestones.  Ang *NSync (Tearing up my heart when I'm with you...♪♪), ang Spice Girls, si Christina Aguilera bago siya naging Dirrrty (Come on over, come on over baby..♪♪), si Mama Britney before she went into serial marriages and went cookoo, narinig din ang 911 (na si Pez ang naka-recognize), ang bandang Blue (na only representative ng British pop, pero asan ang Boyzone), at siyempre ang grandfather of boybands - ang Backstreet Boys (nung akala pa ng mga tao babae si Nick Carter). Jowein's Album: Ganito mag-Christmas party ang mga librarians! run me over

GIFT OF THE MAGI [19 Dec 2009|04:46pm] Received the best gift this Christmas: The Jowein-Sponsored Mane Illusion. I’ve always wanted to grow my hair into this moldable Korean-popstar style, but since I’m cursed with this unwanted and terribly uncooperative thick wavy hair, I always end up cutting it shorter.   Jowein, being the new godmother of the Queendom of Wiglandia, took note of my plight.  She (who often channels Su Li-Zhen, alternating between Maggie C.'s original and Gong Li's version) finally granted my wish for –albeit artificial- long and manageable hair.  Now, I can work my temporary bangs and not worry that it will curl up upon exposure to even the slightest force generated by a soft wind (or electric fan in case natural effects aren’t available). Finally, I could match some of my neglected/unused ensemble that could only be worn with such K-pop hairdo. Of course now I have to really invest on other accessories considered to be staples for Korean fashion.  Mash-up: HyunJoong (leader of SS501, and was made more famous in the K-soap "Boys Over Flowers"). And once I'm done looking like I'm auditioning to be part of an idol group, I could just take it off *(which I most probably would do; it's really difficult wearing it for over an hour, like it causes a mild headache or something.  But maybe I'm still trying to get used to it.  Vanity.) Mash-up: DongBangShinKi (DBSK), also known as TVXQ. run me over

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE [16 Dec 2009|04:44pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | BAD ROMANCE ] He asked if we could jog together.  I guess there was only one answer.  I obviously said yes.  It's the season of neediness, I was glad I wasn't the one - needing. The traffic was awful, so by the time I got to the meeting place, he was no longer there.  "Ang pag-ibig, hindi pinaghihintay," a friend said, "kasi pag napagod umaalis." After a while, I heard my phone ring. "Where are you," he asked. "Faura." "I went home, I didn't bring my phone eh," he said. "But it was only ten minutes, and you gave up on me," I said, as casually as I could. [I was late, ten-freakin-minutes.  I would've said, "try waiting for five years, and see how it feels."  Why couldn't he bestow upon me the same amount of patience, or even just half of it.] "Why don't we meet somewhere else?" He asked. I guess he meant somewhere closer to his location.  Ha!  Always about his convenience.  After a few moments of negotiation, we decided to meet half-way. We jogged for about an hour, even if it was a considerably shorter distance compared to what I'm used to.  He was exhausted, he said, let's just walk it through, he said. Fine.  So we walked. We crossed Roxas Boulevard, risking our lives with all those damn cars, unyielding, almost to the homicidal extent.  Carelessly, he crossed one lane, a car was approaching, and I had no choice but to follow.  Such impatience. "Hey!" I screamed, I felt I almost died, "I hate you." "No you don't," he said. And that was that. run me over

A Declaration for Enchong Dee [10 Dec 2009|01:16am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | heavy cross ] After discussing at length the socio-political repercussion of the youth-oriented teleserye appropriately entitled “Katorse,” with the discussion spanning from the cultural symbolism of each character, to the moral necessity of having to stay in a relationship with the father of your unwanted (albeit eventually well-celebrated) child – all because you got pregnant when you were fourteen (haggardong konsepto, I know), even acknowledging the visual assertiveness of Nene’s breasts, the group (Pez, Bill, Sharon, and myself) somehow ended up focusing on Enchong Dee. Enchong Dee plays Jojo, one of the leading men of Nene (quite literally, mahaba ang hurr ni Nene), and the former best friend of Nene’s original pre-adolescent sweetheart (ang hindi marunong magsalita na si) Gab.  Enchong portrays a lover-from-a-distance who worships Nene (despite her faults – early pregnancy being one of them) unconditionally.  Who wouldn’t want that?  Who wouldn’t want to be loved u.n.c.o.n.d.i.t.i.o.n.a.l.l.y? Right?  Not Nene, apparently. (Unless, for some sudden turn of scriptwriting, they finally decide to bring them together, then, DAMN YOU NENE!!!).   Anyway, after praising Enchong’s performance, the discussion got a little bit more personal.  I’ve proclaimed that I loved how Enchong speaks, because he’s really one of the few local talents who could decently carry English dialogues that even papa Piolo could only dream to deliver.  Somebody said that he’s also a swimmer.  Not only that, he’s a national athlete!  ATHLETE! Ding Ding Ding! “Hindi ba nasa criteria mo yun?” Pez pointed out. Oh – my – gosh!  CHECKLIST! Hot.  Physical aspect, okay na. Check! √ Eloquent.  I believe he goes beyond having the capacity to follow the basic rules of grammar. Check! √ Smart, or at least educated. He just graduated with a degree in Developmental Studies (I have a Political Science background, so, we kinda match in this aspect as well), from De LaSalle (hmmm… I’ll get back to you on this one.  But let’s just say, nobody’s perfect.) √ Not short (a modification of the previous criterion “TALL”).  He stands 5’ 7”, which is a couple of inches short of what I originally wanted.  But hey, it's nothing that a simple two-inch heel can't solve.  See... I’m trying to learn how to settle. √   ATHLETIC!!!  He’s a champion swimmer, and was part of the national team.  Okay, I believe that swimmers have the best built.  I can’t complain on this one. √   He takes good pictures as well.  We even have matching poses, seriously! √ Mash-up!!! [rest of the photomash-ups HERE] Last, and most importantly, if it’s not yet obvious, given the things mentioned above, there’s a huge possibility that he’s G-A-Y!  He’s supposedly being linked to another pinoy hunk, Victor Basa, which I think is weird because they kinda look like twins. √√√ That being said, it is safe to presume that in an alternate me-niverse, magkakatuluyan dapat kami ni Enchong Dee! run me over

Putting the Abs in Absurd: A Journey to Jacob’s Side [28 Nov 2009|01:14pm] I admit, the closest I’ve gone to seeing the film is watching movie clips in Youtube.  Trailers, yes, and mostly those that include Taylor Lautner’s alter-ego Jacob’s abs. Yes, his abs. But don’t mistake my fascination with his insanely sculptured-almost-unrealistic abdominal area with actual affirmation of the movie’s overly hyped worth.  Come on, that’s totally different.  Neither is it about the promotion of the book series which the movie was based on.  Who’s read the book anyway?  My tight and very judgmental literary circle have automatically reduced it to a children’s story (or for the much more forgiving ones – categorized it as CHICLIT). Mere mention  of the word “Twilight” would potentially entail a shaft cutting off the cord of friendship. But the efficient marketing cannot be devalued, nor can it be denied.  It’s right THERE!  In your face!  Jacob’s abs!  ...abs abs abs abs... The ongoing rivalry between Team Edward and Team Jacob has become senseless.  There’s obviously no competition there.  Admittedly, both roles and the characters they reprensent are screaming homoeroticism: what, with vampireness portraying the mysticized version of the secretive gay lifestyle (the coffin/closet, the sucking of bodily fluids, the nightlife and such), and werewolfism embodying the more outward aspect of the queer’s everyday existence (toned body, the transformation, the need to showcase nudity – every - freakin'- time!).  But, in the end, Edward’s got nothing on Jacob. Haller! Even gay people think it’s way TOO gay.  ♪Shining shimmering splendid, ♪ tell me princess now when did! ♪♪♪ And Jacob, or more (in)appropriately, Jacob’s ABS, now that will surely seal the deal my darlings.  Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?  Come on, even the straight ones are fascinated.  Fine, assuming there are straight ones watching the film (“My girlfriend forced me to watch the film,” they’d say), even they are mesmerized by Jacob’s abs.  One particular friend has made Jacob’s abs his inspiration for losing weight – everytime he runs, he told me, he thinks of Jacob’s abs to keep him going.  This is not homoerotic at all, I’d reassure him. *evil laftir* But yeah, I understand where he’s coming from.  Guys would want that, either by coming up with their own set of abs, or by coming up with a boy complete with sculpted six/eight pack! But Jacob and his abs don’t come without complication.  It would remain terribly weird even if things work out, you know.  The part where he always end up naked may not be as troublesome, but when your parents start asking why there’s a huge dog hanging around your crib, maybe you might want to reconsider.  “No Daddy, put the gun down, don’t shoot Daddy.  Daddy, Mom, meet my boyfriend.  Look he's got abs!” – not really the words you’d want to say to your folks once they come to visit. But I think it’s worth it! One night only.  One night only!!! [And by the way, who the f*ck is Bella?] run me over

The Nightmare of Reunions [18 Oct 2009|01:59pm] Eunice buzzed me the day before, asking if I wanted to attend our highschool reunion.  "Let's! And be fab." But the moment we got there, we were like, "Why are we here again?" We already anticipated that people will pass judgments, but we just didn't want to end being bitter and bitchesa the whole night, wondering how we came out of highschool unscathed. Five minutes into the room and I already got my first judgment: Classmate: "Babaeng babae ka na talaga." Me: "Ha?" Classmate: "Babae ka na nga talaga." Me: "Bading ako, pero hindi ako babae." Okay, here's the thing, I was wearing a pair of black high-cut boots, white skinnies, black collared top, and black fedora, and as far as I know that doesn't automatically constitute being a woman. Immediately, the convo was relayed to Eunice.  But she, being competitive, had her own: Classmate: "Uy nakita ko yung profile pic mo." Eunicie: *bewildered* Classmate: "Naka-two piece ka, ang landi landi mo." 1 all, we were tied.   *** We had parlor games, and someone had this great idea of asking me to be part of one.  Why?  Because he said I was wearing a hat.  "Si Yves na hot, kasi may hat." I'm sorry, if he was trying to pull a pun, it wasn't working.  As far as I know, hat and hot don't even share a homonymous relationship. *** I brought my camera, but never dared to take it out.  There was no point, even when highschool crush was hovering about.  I sat there, but somehow people ended up crowding around me taking pictures. "Oh, wacky naman!" Seriously?!  Somebody did say that, and I was close to committing hara-kiri right then and there.  Eunice rescued me by squeezing my hand, and only then was I able to stop myself from walking out. I don't do wacky, and it's not that I don't want to, but I'm just not constitutionally capable of doing it, but I bet nobody there would understand that.  I was wearing a fedora, and who in his right mind would do wacky with a fedora?  Who?  *** run me over

Ang Mga Hatid Na Aral Ng Mga Kalat Sa Dalampasigan [21 Sep 2009|01:58pm] Sa araw na ito, pinagdiriwang ang International Coastline Clean-up.  Dahil diyan, nagdesisyon ang team na hakutin ang mga basura sa Manila Bay. Nagsimula ang paglilinis na parang walang sistema, walang patutunguhan.  Kung anong mapulot mo, pulutin mo na, wa-i na choosy ang tema nung una.  Pero ang dami ng kalat, at nasabi nga nung nasa harap ko, itago natin siya sa pangalan na Shino Camasho (hindi niya tunay na pangalan), "Are we making a difference?  Surface lang nililinisan natin?"  Oo nga naman, parang masyadong superficial, may mas malalim na problema, na kahit anong gawin mong pag-aayos sa surface, hindi na mareresolba. Pero tinuloy pa rin namin.  Para mapadali ang buhay namin, nag-device kami ng napaka ingenious na strategy, si Shino ang manghihila ng mga kalat gamit ang sagwan, at ako naman ang pupulot at mangongolekta ng mga kalat na nasungkit ng sagwan niya.  "Aba, andami niyo nang napulot ah," sabi ni Ocns, na nasa tabi ni Shino.  "Siyempre, teamwork eh," sagot ko.  "Dapat kasi may kasama ka, hindi pwedeng mag-isa ka lang.  Mahirap na mag-isa ka, kahit akala mo sa una madali lang," dagdag ni Shino, na natilamsikan sa mukha ng tubig alat, na sa unang tingin parang lumuluha lang. Dahil sa gumagalaw ang bangka, may mga kalat na malayo.  Akala mo dahil nakikita mo kaya  mong abutin.   Mali ka. Hindi mo nga naman masisi ang sarili mo na hindi ka pinainom ng Cherifer ng nanay mo nung bata ka pa, at kahit anong gawin mo, hindi na hahaba ang kamay mo, at kahit anong gamit mo ng sagwan, hindi talaga kayang abutin.  Some things are really out of your reach, no matter how hard you try.  Tao lang, nagkakamali rin, WHAT? May mga kalat na malalaki, yung mga malalaking supot ng SM, madaling kunin, yun pero meron naman yung mga maliliit tulad ng seasoning pack ng Lucky Me, medyo tricky.  Minsan hawak mo na, pero dumudulas pa sa mga kamay mong may gloves (dahil for some reason, ang arty arty mo today at ayaw mong madumihan ang kamay mo, eh kanina pa kayo sumasagwan sa Manila Bay at malamang sa hindi eh nainom mo na yung tubig).  Shet, akala mo hawak mo na.  Sinubukan mong kunin ulit, pero, pero hindi, malayo na siya, ang layo layo na niya.  In life it's not always about trying and trying, "sometimes it's also about letting go" (Shino Camasho, 2009).  Baka may ibang nararapat na makapulot sa seasoning pack ng Lucky Me, at malay mo hindi mo pa panahon, sa araw na to, sensya na lang, hindi pa Lucky You. Tapos may isang kalat kaming napulot, yung patterned na foam, may nakaukit na letrang "Y" sa gitna. "Wow, Y," sabi ko. "Why?" tanong ni Shino. "Oo, Y," sagot ko. "Why?  May mga bagay lang talagang hindi natin kayang sagutin," sabi ni Shino. "Umm... Okay ka lang?" Okay lang daw siya.  Seriously? Meron ding napulot si Shino na maliit na laruan, hugis bahay.  "Tingnan mo ito o, bahay.  Sana may bahay na kami ngayon,"  sabi niya.  Tapos bigla siyang bumulong, "Ba't ba tayo naglilinis ng kalat ng iba? Diba dapat sariling kalat muna natin ang ayusin natin bago natin linisin kalat ng iba?" Hindi na lang ako kumibo, inisip ko baka masyado lang mainit ang araw at kung ano-ano nang nasasabi ng mga tao. Nagpatuloy pa ang paglilinis.  Pumunta kami sa lugar na malapit sa daungan, kung saan parang nag General Assembly ang mga kalat sa Manila Bay.  "Looks like we'll never be finished.  There's an infinite number of trash," sabi ni Fauve na nasa likod ko. Oo nga, medyo nakakadismaya, pero mali yun sabi ko. Pero bago ako sumagot, hinawi ko muna sa gilid ng tenga ko yung singlet na nagsilbing wig ko kanina. "You know Fauve, it might look pointless now, but there are things we just have to experience.  Diba Shino?"  Sumang-ayon naman si Shino, ngunit pagkalipas ng ilang minuto, napagod na rin ata siya dahil bigla siyang sumigaw, "BAKIT BA LAHAT NG BASURA PURO PLASTIC!!!" Hindi ko rin alam.  Hindi ko na rin alam. Masyado nang mainit, pagod na rin kami, titigil na raw sa paglilinis.  "Ano?!?"  Sabi ni Shino, "Kung kelan gustong gusto ko na? Bakit ba kung kelan natutuwa na ako saka umaayaw ang mga tao!!!" Maghunos-dili ka, basura pa rin naman pinaguusapan natin diba?  Yung kalat sa Manila Bay?  Diba? Pagdating namin sa docking area, nakita naming sobrang dami ng kalat.  "Naghanap ka pa sa malayo, nasa tabi mo lang pala," hirit ni Shino.  Hindi ko na alam kung tatawa ako, o iiyak, o maglalaslas na lang. Bumaba na kami ng bangka, hawak ang mga itim na plastic bag.  Sige, nakakolekta ka na ng kalat, nilagay mo na sa plastic bag, tinapon mo na sa basurahan, pero may nabago ba?  Ikaw magbabago ka ba? *Sabay punas ng luha.* run me over

Putting the EX in EXcess Baggage [17 Sep 2009|01:56pm] Just when I thought my life would forever be dull after giving up one of my worst/best obsessions in life - my One.True.Love, a certain skeleton in my closet got resurrected, complete with profile pic and a promising on-line existence. Jowein, the newly crowned Babaeng-Pinagpala-sa-Babaeng-Lahat-at-Pinagpala-Naman-Ng-Panginoon, PM-ed me with this bit: I went out with him on a date, at least a couple of times (this is considered lucky, because - at the risk of sounding slutty - I've never gone beyond the first date with anyone).  He was still called Gilbert then.  Now it's Gilly?  Gilly?  Seriously?  What's up with that? I'm quite familiar with name-changing as a manifestation of us going through the different stages of our lives.  In my case, I just changed from one pronunciation of "Yves" to the next (Yeves, Eve, Ayvs, Eves). But Gilly?  Couldn't he have chosen a better one?  Maybe he's hiding from someone and he doesn't want to be found out, yes? Anyway, he could have been my very first "boyfriend" but the supposed relationship and my dream of having my own happily-ever-after came crashing down when we both realized we were better off as friends.  It was less than a week, and nothing happened.  We didn't even kiss, or hold hands.  But... I was only 18 at the time, and have only been gay for like... five minutes.  I've forgiven myself.  Ugh.  I later on unilaterally decided to nullify our "relationship" based on the grounds of temporary insanity compounded by desperation and emotional immaturity. In retrospect though, I realize I was quite fond of him.  I didn't love him, not as much as I loved One.True.Love, but I remember being particularly fond of him.  The moment I saw his picture, I immediately dug deep into my archive of embarassments past, and found this: G: "Love mo ko?" Me: "Only kung mutual." G: "Sigurista!  I love you.  Call me?" Me: "Not now, I'm busy.  Later.  I love you too." Dever?  Looking back, I know I didn't mean it, but it's sure fun to think someone made me say that phrase, eeky as it sounds.  I like it.  Oh, by the way, I added him as "friend" oberder at fezbook.  Still waiting.  Will I be added back?  Or will I be ignored?  We'll see.   run me over

Super Junior, Super Fan, Super Fun! [18 Aug 2009|01:55pm] I wouldn't completely say that I've fallen for this trend of fanatically following some foreign Asian artists, but.. but... They're boys. All 13 of them.  When other production outfits merely followed suit with the tradition of keeping the members of boybands to five, these guys went above and beyond.  The more the merrier! Bakit sila nakakatuwa?  Kung bored ka, or na-agit sa paghihintay ng results ng board exams... eto... 1.  Dahil 13 sila, matagal bago mo sila pag-sasawaan.  Mahabang phase ang ilalaan mo sa pagkilala sa kanila isa-isa.  Good luck with that.     * Choi Siwon     * Donghae (entertainer)     * Eunhyuk     * Han Geng     * Kang-in     * Kim Heechul     * Kim Kibum     * Kyuhyun     * Leeteuk     * Ryeowook     * Shindong     * Sungmin     * Yesung Oh di ba, nakakahilo lang.  Pwede na nilang i-replace ang mga items sa twelve days of christmas, but no there's more, dahil 13 sila, meron kang isang extra item!  Or boy.  Ang masaya pa eh everytime manunood ka ng video nila, para bang meron kang nadidiscover na bagong member.  Parang sinasadya nilang hindi muna sila sabay-sabay na guwapo, sa isang video anim lang ang cute, sa next video na yung ibang sub-group. 2.  Ang ga-guwapo lang talaga nila.  I'm sorry.  Since lumaki ako sa UP, gumuho ng todo ang expectations ko sa population of good-looking boys.  Mapa- UP Manila pa yan o Diliman, sadyang sawi ang unibersidad sa mga guwapo.  To the point na ang paniniwala namin ni Jowein eh hindi pwedeng mag-tabi ang 2 guwapo, kasi parang naka-disperse na sila one every square kilometer.  Kung magtatabi ang 2 guwapo, unfair na yun, may isang square kilometer na nawalan.  At dahil sa SuJun, nabuhay nang muli ang pag-asa, posible palang magsama-sama ang mga nagga-guwapuhang kalalakihan na hindi bumabaligtad ang mundo. 3.  Pwede kang magka-crush ng sabay and you don't have to feel guilty about it.  Ganito kasi yun, kung conservative ka at feeling mo dapat one man at a time ka lang, dahil feeling mo hindi marunong magmulti-task ang puso mo, with SuJun, you can like two or more members at a time without any form of betrayal or infidelity.  Baket?  Kasi they're part of a group: Super Junior.  Meaning, crush mo ang Super Junior in GENERAL, tapos, depende sa mood mo, meron ka lang crush na member in particular.  Parang pag may siyota ka, mahal mo siya, pero minsan mas preferred mo ang kamay niya, minsan ang labi niya, at minsan naman kung swerte ka, eh yung nag-ga-gandahang biceps niya.   4.  Like all things Korean, ang mga miyembro ng grupo ay very confusing.  They are not afraid to wear mook-up, or magdamit babae, or mag-iba ng color ng hurr.  They bring metrosexuality to a whole new level.  As in.  Either they are super confident about their sexuality, or talagang bading lang sila.  Nowadays, one can never really say for sure.  Na-blar na masyado ang gender lines.  Sakit sa bangs lang.  Sana sa Korea na lang ako pinanganak.  Not that that would increase my chances of getting a boy, but at least I wouldn't feel too different, kasi hobby talaga ng mga korean boys ang uma-aura. 5.  At dahil Korean ang lyrics, mababa ang risk na bigla kang mag-burst into song sa gitna ng madla.  Safe from embarassment.  Pero pwede namang dahil sa frustration magkakaron ka ng urge to study their language, which wouldn't be so bad, dahil sa ating increasingly Globalized community, advantage na ang multi-lingualism.  Besides, cultural exchange is always a good and exciting thing. run me over

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