Michelle's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Michelle

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...wow.. [18 May 2003|03:36pm]
I had the most amazing time lastnight -- for the first time in a long ass time I actually .. enjoyed myself. Who knew a cold ass and cheese could be so fun? .:arches a brow smirking slightly:. Get your mind out of the gutter people! -- anyway, I seriously did have an awesome time .. Thank you.

.:smirks slightly, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of her face:. Maybe next time we'll let dougie tag along ..
2 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[17 May 2003|02:24am]
Did you know that Hotel California is about --- Hell? o.o I just found this out.. slightly disturbing.
Mmm Mmm Michelle

[03 May 2003|09:14pm]
.. I still don't feel guilty maybe I should but I don't. It was ... nice. .:shifts glancing around the room quickly before looking back at the keyboard, wanting to say so much more but not knowing how to word it:.
...I know I shouldn't do it again, but -- I don't know if I can not ... it was.. amazing.

.:laughs rereading what she'd just written:. Cryptic much? yes thats right call me Angel-ette
6 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[30 Apr 2003|10:12pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I'm so not even going to freak out about this. Not going to wallow and say "ugh men suck -- " no reason to, isn't his fault it's mine because I read to much into just like I always do. His latest post proves that.

Obviously I've been branded the commie whore or something because "I'm sure you'd be happier with those other guys" what the hell... -snort-

What the fuck -- jesus I just don't know anymore.

It was just a kiss, thats all it was .:sighs:. and he couldn't have told me this the other night while we were talking about it?

...I'm done with men... Seriously. Always ends up bad if I like someone or just simply have a crush... never turns out decent. Granted it's my fault 99.9% of the time but -- .. I'm just tired of getting smacked in the face .. so to speak.

Bif and I are going to turn lesbian and be girlfriends..only the nonsex having kind, she's pretty and all but .. uh.. no

13 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[29 Apr 2003|04:28pm]
I played dice last night (or this morning how ever you see it) with angie and maj and a few other people -- I'm never playing that game so long as I live.
Mmm Mmm Michelle

[29 Apr 2003|01:10am]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | eh something thats playing on mtv2 ]

By reading my updates one may assume I was a whore/lip slut going after anything with a dick but that’s the furthest from the truth. I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably too friendly --- too flirty and that comes off as “I like you” or something but I don’t mean it to. .:sighs:. Which isn’t an excuse I know.

He thinks I lead him on because we kissed … and then I agreed to go on a date with someone, but it’s not like that … the date wasn’t even a real date in my eyes. It was two friends going to have a good time. Regardless of what it was in the other person’s eyes, it never happened because the guy forgot or whatever.

He thinks I’m held up on a lot of other guys – I’m so not. I have a lot of male friend, yes I do and I care about them a lot … and it may come off as being ‘hung up’ on them but … no..

I didn’t lead him on. I wanted something to happen, and I’d been trying for awhile --- and it finally did … but I was my normal asshole assume-y self and didn’t think it meant a thing to him so I acted completely nonchalant which was probably the worst thing I could possible do because we talked for a little while tonight and from what I could get from it, he did/does like me yet doesn’t think anything would work between us because we’re “too” different. Isn’t different a good thing though? Doesn’t it add interest? He’s busy – yeah I get that, it’s natural in this business. I don’t know I just can’t help thinking the reason he said that was because of my nonchalant I don’t care attitude I had. Which was a complete and utter copout.

I don’t know why I get that attitude I guess – it’s easier then being rejected …

Anyway like I told him I’m not going to sit here and try an persuade him to let something happen because that’s pathetic but I will say I’d like something to .. but that isn’t my decision.

Yeah I know – this was a useless update but guess what? My journal ;]

3 Mmm Mmm Michelle

Don't want to be the bad guy anymore. [28 Apr 2003|08:12pm]
[ music | "you dont mean anything" - simple plan ]

I said a lot of things yesterday I didn't mean.
"You should die" I think I said that more then once to two different people.

Here's the deal; James (my ex) and Eliza (my supposedly close friend) are together. They didn't have the decency to tell me about it themselves, I heard it from an outside ... person who shall remain nameless anyway, first I spoke with James about it and he was well .. "I didn't think you'd care" which pissed me off because of the tone he used whilst saying it. and Eliza well as Sarah said she's just 'screwed' because she had the balls to tell me I was in the wrong for being upset.

Don't get me wrong it isn't that I want Marsters back, by any means that relationship was tedious and ... unhappy for the most part but still at the time I was in love with him ... or at least what I perceived to be as love. The fact that neither of them felt the need to .... talk to me is what hurt "oh that's just chelle fuck it, who cares if it makes her upset". That is what the whole ... situation is about.

Personally if I were going to go out with a close friend of mines ex and/or my ex's close friend I would want to talk with them, make sure they knew that nothing was going on while they were together, make sure they wouldn't hate me and all that rot.

Like I said it isn't because I want the kid back, it isn't ... it's just he was my first ... everything. So he'll always be kind of ... special I guess?

Also I made some statements to him that could be construed as derogatory to a specific sexuality and I just want to make it clear I did not mean it like that, it was the heat of the moment and I was upset and searching for anything to say to him. Which wasn't right, I apologize.

Anyway moving on to lighter happier subjects.

Sarah and I are all right again ... fully I think. We spoke for quiet awhile this afternoon about everything yet nothing at the same time, she's a wonderful girl. I'm truly lucky to have her in my life.

I was asked on a date -- not sure when the date itself will actually occur however, Ewan never said anything about that .. Maybe he changed his mind.

sdhlhdkwqejl! I WANT ADDISON, Matt's daughter is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen ... I'm going to steal her ;x

Anyway it's time for me to go feed myself. .:laughs:. be good kiddies.

Edit:: someone brought it to my attention that I'm acting like I was the only one effected by all this shit (that's what it is useless .. unneeded.. shit) and I'm not stupid I know I'm not -- so .:sighs:. I say we .. the three of us -- forget it, move along with our lives because yeah you can't help who you want to be with ... like I said -that- was never the problem the problem was ... I was left in the dark .. but whatever I care about you both and want to see you happy. and I've moved on .. so why shouldn't he?

Mmm Mmm Michelle

Ashley J. Williams Rox my sox <3 Evil Dead! [25 Apr 2003|12:22pm]
Spent most of last night with Lynn. Psh I <3 that kid, he’s a hoot even if he does stink and have odd STD’s given to him by his various whores.:winks:. Who would have ever known KFC and Taco Bell food went so well together? .:laughs:. Matt’s idea I swear it. It was good though.. really good.

We just laid around my apartment all night feeding our skinny-yet-soon-to-be-lard butts and watchin’ movies. Apparently I’m an evil princess? He calls me a brat and ‘not nice’ yet he gives me a nickname like princess? .:arches a brow:. Psh tickle whore you need to decide am I a princess or am I evil?

Anywho.

Talked to Freddie for a little while last night after I dropped Matt off at home, didn’t get to say much before I had to go to bed. I miss him, we used to be all tight and shit! .:laughs:. Anyway..

Sarah and I have been talking better lately which is good … She’s an amazing girly-q.

Think I’m going to go for a quick run ;-* need me? Use my cell

Xoxo
Chellie
4 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[22 Apr 2003|03:59pm]
[ mood | Emo ]

he's happy so I should be all "yay! Go buddy!" but I'm not.. I just want to disapear. So I am .. for awhile I'll still update and lurk.. all that shit just dont think I'll be around socially for awhile..

Grr. Why can't I just be happyish?

My friends are amazing so I atleast have that but is a decent guy too much to ask for?

2 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[22 Apr 2003|01:45pm]
I knew this was the last season, but I don’t think it hit me until the Wrap Party that it really was over. I’ve worked with these guys for .. three years they’ve become a type of family. Day in and day out I’d go to work, eat breakfast with Sarah, Aly, and Ambie…we even took turns on who had to bring it. Shoot a few scenes have lunch with Nicky and/or James and then go bug Tony (if he was around.. and/or in that episode) and listen to him read… he always read little things to me like I was a child, pretty much the only person I can stand treating me like a kid is Tony-the-tiger.

Now it’s over … I know it’s just a show and I can still watch the last few eps because they’ve yet to air but still I don’t have that security that foundation…I feel awful for the rest of the cast the ones who’ve been doing this for the full seven years..

…Anyway…

I’ve noticed how everyone seems to pairing and/or paired up .:hmphs:. It’s almost depressing…

Ry’ says I need to stop being so quiet in public … be like I am in private or whatever. Talk to people… .:shifty eyes:. I don’t know..

The kid also said he thought I was deep so.. I’m slightly frightened by him now .:small laugh:.

Anyway I think I’m going to go grab a mocha and do some window shopping, need me? Use my cell ;x
Mmm Mmm Michelle

[18 Apr 2003|05:25pm]
Back home again.. aka LA for awhile.. I don't know whats going on with Ugly Americans...not even sure why I signed on for this.. anyway.. I need a date and/or boyfriend .:laughs:. I loath being single...but alas nothing I can do about it..

Anywho

I'm going to go grab some food..pizza rolls're callin' my name
4 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[13 Apr 2003|11:40am]
.:diminutive blue oculars grazed over the reflection in the mirror, nimble fingers sporadically ran over satin skin paying special attention to the imperfections she found. An infinitesimal sigh escaped tenderly parted peach lips, the pads of her fingers twisted the lilac strings holding the bikini top onto her body. Shaking her head she looked over her reflection once more before wrinkling her nose in disgust. With a small ‘hmph’ she pulled on a pair of board shorts and a tank top on:.

…I can show people (friends) my nipple ring yet.. I can’t go to the beach in a bikini?
4 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[12 Apr 2003|08:25pm]
Did I mention I hate planes? I am at this very moment on a plane headed for Australia. I’m only staying until the seventeenth but still I needed a ..break. Needed a new scene new people. I don’t have to be back in Prague until … eh the 30th so I’ll more then likely be heading back to La… .:glares:. DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE 18th/19th PHILLY-PEE!

…Do you have any idea what its like to crush, and know that you have absolutely no chance….ever? I accept that he isn’t ready to date now or whatever but still doesn’t make the fact that I know when he is.. I have like .00000% chance. ..any better. .:shifts:. …now that I've made an ass out of myself, I’m going to sit here and eat my crappy ass plane peanuts quietly for the rest of the flight…
32 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[12 Apr 2003|07:51pm]
I don't know what going on. Talked to James today, he looked so broken...still. ::sighs shifting:: he asked me if he was such a great guy why I didn’t want him. How do you answer something like that? is there a gentle way? a right way? I doubt it. It's not that I didn't want him...its complicated. The boy did/does mean ..a lot but...I'm just not sure in what way anymore..does that make sense?

Anyway


There’s been a lot of drama running round these parts lately, I don’t even know the half of it so I'm not going to sit here and preach or pretend that I know what the hell is going on but I am going to make a few generally generic statements.

Emotional pain is worse then physical pain kids. a scar, a cut, a scrape heal in a matter of time and easily in most cases. However a emotional rift, a stab in the back, a few harsh words from a loved one, whatever the case maybe...uh don't. They take an uber amount of time, and to be honest are never completely gone... ever. You get over them you move on, maybe even forget about them for a bit but someday/somehow they'll resurface.

Love is one of the ...fuck it love is the only cause of emotional pain if you didn't love the person in some form or fashion then you wouldn't give a rats butt what they thought about you, said, or did.

Love according to Dictionary (dot) com:: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

What does that really mean though? People (myself included) on occasion say that word at the drop of a hat, how can..a word signify in any means the feeling of love? I don't just mean for your boyfriend/girlfriend/hubby/wifey I mean..in general. Any type of love...Why do people feel the need to hear it? to say it? Don’t actions speak louder then words..'specially in a case like this? How easy is it to say something and not mean it? Easier then anything else in the world.. But to show someone.. Admiration and respect, to remember the little things isn't...better then hearing "I love you"?...it is a wonderful thing to hear yes but just to hear it and not see it, how can it mean anything?

So So you think you can tell heaven from hell? Blue skies from pain, can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail a smile from a veil do you think you can tell did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts

Sometimes I'll lay in bed at night with this incisive fear, of ..."Armageddon". It’s stupid I know but I do... I just lay there knowing the lords going to come and I'm going straight to hell, be left behind. Which strikes me as funny, actually since I'm not even sure what I believe as far as religion is concerned. I am well read in the bible though; know its stories and what not. So maybe that’s why I fear. Since I have doubts in my mind... aren't sure what I believe ...and what not and since I was taught that, that was wrong that you should go blindly into faith unquestioning in your reverie for god...that I have somehow manifested that into equaling that I was hell bound.

living dead girl blood on her skin dripping with sin do it again


I think maybe I'm dead on the inside, that I'm not happy with myself ... and that’s why people..dont want to be around me..when they are I try so hard to impress them to get them to like me that it comes out..wrong. I come off as this whore or hyperactive nitwit. Out of the majority of the friends I do have 99.5 of them are of the male variety. I think I need that. Acceptance from a man...to be wanted (not..just sexually). I always end up falling for one or two of them. Get jealous when they hang around other chicks, even if they're not the ones I have the crush on its just "mine away!". I know I do it...but I don’t know why... I'm attention hungry its sad but its true...its like "NOW DAMNIT IM HERE CUDDLE ME!" or some shit...thinking about taking a small hiatus from people for awhile maybe...just get my ass straightened out. I want to be treated like an adult like someone mature yet...I act like I do pfft great thinking Trach-y.

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts its not easy facing up when your whole world is black


Excerpt from Chekhov's About Love (or on love depending on how you translate it) )

So many thoughts running through my head so many possibilities.. eh someone needs to come over here and keep me company...::shifts::...
10 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[07 Apr 2003|04:12pm]
Men are hard to read. You think you get a little way. Think there could be.. I dont know what possibilities and you find out they like someone else...

...-sighs- ...least he doesnt know I'm crush-y
Mmm Mmm Michelle

NCAA CHAMPs ON AT NINE! [07 Apr 2003|11:43am]
I’ll be back in the states tomorrow, I leave around nine in the morning LA time so I should be back late tomorrow night. Why am I coming home? Production is being halted on my movie for a few weeks (two) and rather then stick around here I want to come home for a bit…

Alright, So I’ve developed a small crush on him, we’ve talked a bit these past few nights and he just amazes me. He has to be one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. He’s so different from any other guy I’ve ever liked. He’s humble, endearing and has 73298731279 nice things to say about people.

No guys its not who you think so .. don’t freak out on me –laughs-

I’m not saying I want to be his girlfriend…yet. However I would love to get to know him better, spend a little one on one time. but I’m fooling myself to think he could be get the “vibes” too, he’s surrounded by smart, sweet, beautiful girls…why would he want anything to do with me?

…I need to make an update with meaning, we substance. I don’t think I have yet. Maybe something about beliefs or ..something, I will soon…

xoxo

Chelle
4 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[06 Apr 2003|07:16pm]
I got my nipple pierced thats right little innocent Michelle -grins- It looks pretty cool.. dont know how hot it is but -shrugs- I like it..

...and someone needs to take me out on a date when I get back in the states because...I have nothing to do!
28 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[05 Apr 2003|03:32pm]
Jeff gave me the best orgasm of my life -nods-
10 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[04 Apr 2003|07:03pm]
Single.

I'm single, again ... for awhile this time I hope.

I got so wrapped up in my last relationship that I lost myself, couldn't tell what was really me and what was what he wanted me to be.

I'm young, I wasn't ready to settle down and get married...I want to live, want to experience things....

I want to live. Want to breathe. I don't want to have to answer to anyone.

My actions havent been the best, I know I'm a flirt....its just my personality. Which is something whoever the next person (a long time from now) that I get with will just have to deal with..

As of right now. "Girls just wanna have fun-un"

Now I'm tired off my ass.. I will make a better update soon I promise

xoxo
Chelle
13 Mmm Mmm Michelle

[28 Mar 2003|12:32am]
I never considered myself a religious person, but here lately I’ve been thinking more and more about the aspects of faith.
You’re supposed to believe blindly in something with so much faith and love that you’ll turn away from ‘secular’ evils and try and better yourself…

I don’t know what I believe, been trying to find that out myself…

Leaning toward reincarnation for the whole ‘afterlife’ thing, because it just makes sense..
I cant count how many times I’ve ‘felt’ like I knew someone and hadn’t ever met them before..

But as far as the whole faith base thing…I don’t know

I know there’s something up there, I don’t buy the ‘big bang theory’ or ‘evolution’ personally…so I know/believe there’s someone/something up there. But what?

I had a pregnancy scare … -shifts- turns out I’m not. –Clicks her tongue on the roof of her mouth-
Haven’t told James about the not yet. He isn’t awake. Wonder how he’ll take it.

Something’s happened tonight…and I want to go to Prague alone. Focus, get my job done…then come home.

I can’t/wont go into what occurred but…it did.

On a lighter note, you need to make Ry’ bop like a midget for you…it funnier then hell
18 Mmm Mmm Michelle

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