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Nov 19th, 09 @ 7pm ] |
ive learned a lot about my self in the past week. ive learned a lot about you too.
i read my last post, i still feel the feelings i felt that day. i still hate this and i still wish that everything can just go back to normal, and tomorrow ill be laying on your bed with you watching a movie that we rented. but the truth is that after all of this, we couldnt go back to normal even if we tried. and that is why im writing this.
it took me until last night, wednesday night, to finally hit me that its over. to realize that, no, this is not a trial breakup or a break or just you freaking out. this is the end of everything we had. yesterday at school you were so nice to me, hugging me and asking me if i wanted my back cracked. i tried not to, but i got my hopes up that this was finally you realising that you had made a horrible mistake, and i asked you to stop by after school to pick up some of your stuff. i planned to be friendly, joke with you, sit in your car and let old times be old times, and then slowly let the gravity of the situation sink in. i wanted to get back together and end this hell that ive been going through this past week.
but you showed up with erik in your front seat, you joked and laughed as i tried to keep my composure- i didnt want you to see how disappointed i really was. i gave you your controllers and you were on your way.
dad is right, that was the moment that i knew this was the end, and thats why i got so upset. it was literally one of the worst days of my life.
after talking with my dad, i really understood more about the entire situation. the first thing is that its unimportant why you broke up with me. its GW, you cheated on me, you dont love me, its all the same, it all means that we are done. what really matters is how you did it and how youve been acting ever since. after almost two years together, i didnt deserve a five minute phone call, ryan. i deserved something face to face, something with more emotion and more love than what you gave me. it took me a long time to realize how much of a pussy that really makes you, that you couldnt give me at least that.
and ever since, youve sent me completely mixed signals. youre sweet to me, you want me to keep the whistle you made me, you want to crack my back. you text jessica things about me while im sitting there, talk about who is coming to your party, and talk about who youre hanging out with this weekend.
ill never know how you are truely feeling about me and aboit our break up, but i have my theories. ive come to the conclusion that you are purposely trying to hurt me because im leaving you here. because im going to GW ad youre stuck here, and that hurts you. ryan, i KNOW that hurts you because youve cried about that to me, begged me not to leave while youre piss drunk at rubys house. i never thought that you would feel the need to punish me for that, but obviously you do.
i also think that a part of you still wants me to want you. i dont know, but i hope that a part of you misses me too. a lot of me hopes that you are hurting at least as bad as im hurting, ill admit to that. maybe thats why you try to touch me and hug me and stuff, but dad thinks its because you still want power over me. regardless, i wont be letting you do that type of thing again.
you hurt me more than i think ive ever been hurt before. i wish so much that i could rewind the clock one month and tell you how much i care about you- see if that makes any difference. but the reality is that i cant. that youve done what you did, and no amount of tears and sadness and desperation is going to bring the happiness, comfort, easiness back to us. i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant concentrate on anything, and im running out of tears.
i will always love you, but today im am going to try and let go. ive finally taken all of your stuff out of my house, ive deleted all our old texts. im not sure yet how ill handle having 6th hour with you, but ill figure it out. im not going to text you or call you anymore, im going to stop asking to hang out. all of this is somethign i deserved to tell you in person, but youre not going to give me that. so this is my final goodbye.
thatnk you for everything youve been for me. thank you for being there when my grandma died, when me and ruby fought, when i was having rough days. thank you for taking my virginity, for taking me to zoolights, for writing me notes. i cant tell you how much im going to miss laying with you, going to movies, hanging out with your family, having sex with you. im sorry for breaking up with you last year and putting you through this, for almost choosing thomsen over you, for taking you for granted. but most of all im sorry that our three year relationship didnt mean enough to you to TRY and make it to college. because it meant enough to me to at least try.
ive spent a week wishing, crying, hoping, trying. but im giving up, im moving on.
goodbye.
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