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Kate

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but you can't blame the time because it's only in your mind. [11 Feb 2005|12:35am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | unoriginal ]

i have been so out of it today. it just felt so off. do you ever wake up and the air that you breath doesn't feel quite as clean as it did the day before? that's how i felt this morning. then all day, i felt as though i was just trying to catch up, like i was always one step behind. by the end of leadership, i knew i had to leave because i was unable to smile for one more minute. i cried on the way home. for no reason. i am just glad to finally have thursday february 10th behind me. i know there was something God was trying to teach me in the chaos, but i did not catch on. maybe tomorrow it will just click.

i wish i could just be how i want to be. i know that i should have the control over my emotions and my behaviors, but there are some times where i hear what i say and can't pull the words back in time to save myself or the person they are directed to. i'm trying though. i really am. i just need to keep praying for control. it's funny though. until recently, i just felt like being sarcastic and cracking jokes at other's expenses was just part of who i am. now, i can't stand it. i really am just needing to control it until it is no longer a habit. i think that's what it is...a really bad habit.

ahhh...i need to get to sleep. i am much happier though. even though the day was ehhh (i say ehhh because it wasn't bad, just strange), right now i feel alright. thanks for cheering me up, josh.

till then...

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our dreams are so related... [09 Feb 2005|09:01am]
pardon the language, but this made me laugh so hard.

carrie: i will not be the first one to speak. and if he never calls me again, i'll always think of him fondly...as an asshole.

today shall be interesting.
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silent films are full of sound. [09 Feb 2005|12:15am]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | still jack... ]

so it's been a good couple days. i am kind of fed up with myself though. i am constantly bouncing between either loving every minute of every day and thinking that it is the worst minute of my life. i wish things could just feel as perfect as they are. granted, looking from outside, i'm sure most people look at my life and wonder where in the chaos i find perfection, but i promise it is there. i couldn't have been blessed with anything else to make it any better... except for maybe 100 billion dollars and an infinite supply of mini corndogs, banana icees, and cupcakes...made out of love.

betsy and i were talking about my current excitement/problem. i have been being really guarded around a particular guy recently (i don't know why i refuse to say his name...) :) it's one of those things where, when we are hanging out, i am kind of overly sarcastic while mentally questioning why i'm being mean or harsh. i don't know. i guess it's my security...like me saying, "well, i'll be mean to you and then i won't invest my heart in you and i'll never be hurt." which is a load of crap. i don't know. i just would really appreciate the prayers in this. i just don't want to ruin something wonderful by being a brat. thanks. :)

i have all this nervous anxious excitement for the past week or so. i dont know what it is, but i like it a little and hate it a little. i just am really gittery and goofy. it's an interesting combination of craziness and wonderment. i feel like i have a billion things to do in the next week, so this energy might be helpful.

i wonder what you've been thinking about tonight because my mind has been racing. till then...

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do you believe in life after love... [06 Feb 2005|03:04pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | brushfire fairytales. ]

haha, cher was just on television and lacey and i just sang "do you believe?" incredibly loud. i love her for that...that we can be stupid and it's okay.

okay...so i'm really tired. last night i fell asleep at 3:30ish and then andy called at 3:35 and then i woke up at 4:15 feeling like i had to vomit and didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, yet somehow managed to wake up for church. i was so tired, but i knew that i needed to be there just to feel refreshed. church helps my week start off focused on God and His work in my life. i really needed that because i feel really down on myself lately and i was angry last night over something that i shouldn't feel sad about at all. God definitely shows me the direction and i get upset about it. i just need to get over that and realize that He shows me certain things in order to help my life, not to make me upset and sad and bitter. so...i'm well again.

melvin is so adorable. he shook my hand today. i think he is one of those supernaturally gifted hamsters. i may take him on dave letterman for the stupid pet tricks. i love him.

i'm exhausted and i have two tests tomorrow. great! i have to go to the union in about 45 minutes to study with my tutor for organic. we'll see how that goes. i'm really excited about taking this first test. i think i'll do well. we shall see though.

okay, till then...

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of course... [06 Feb 2005|02:26am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | everything looks perfect from far away... ]

why should i expect anything else? ahhh, i'm pissed. i shouldn't be, but i am. sorry to express my sadness, but...

i still love all you other people out there.

today's daily quote: "men should be like kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable." cher

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stupid things from facebook suck me in... [04 Feb 2005|04:50pm]
1. First Name? kathryn
2. Were you named after anyone? no one, but my great-grandmother katherine thought i was named after her (she always spelled my name wrong)
3. Do you wish on stars? no, but i believe in horoscopes
4. When did you last cry? today. i was stressed.
5. Do you like your handwriting? of course.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? carl buddig chicken
7. What is your birth date? 3/9/1984
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? hmph. now 3
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? probably, but i'd talk about myself
18. Do you have a journal? well...
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? unfortunately
22. What are your nicknames? kate, katie, schoof since yesterday
23. Would you bungee jump? yep
24. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? nope.
25. Do you think that you are strong? stronger than i look.
26. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? bovinity divinity
28. Shoe Size: 8.5-9.5
29. Red or pink? red
30. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my obsessions
31. Who do you miss most? some man i've never really met.
32. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? yes. why wouldn't i?
33. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? blue/none
34. What are you listening to right now? john mayer (my recent obsession)
35. Last thing you ate? bow tie pasta
36. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? cerulean
37. What is the weather like right now? warmer than yesterday
38. Last person you talked to on the phone? josh m.
39. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? laughter
40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? of course.
41. How tall are you? 6'0.4786
42. Favorite Drink? diet coke with lime or milk or a good orange julius
43. Favorite Sport? to play: golf, to watch: football or soccer.
44. Hair Color? blondish, but i'm becoming a brunette i think
45. Eye Color? greenish, yellowish, brownish. they look like a flower.
46. Do you wear contacts? i ought to get some.
47. Do you currently have a crush? always.
48. Favorite Food? asian cuisine
49. Last Movie You Watched? multiplicity
50. Favorite Day Of The Year? today
51. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? scary movies and happy endings.
52. Summer Or Winter? summer, i hate the cold.
53. Hugs OR Kisses? depends
55. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? cheesecake
56. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? whomever
57. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? most people
58. Living Arrangements? cute little house.
59. What Books Are You Reading? secrets of an irresistible woman, lovely bones, and textbooks.
60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? blueness and a gel thing for my wrist.
62. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? made: i want to be a ballerino.
63. Favorite Smells? skunk, the GOOD smell of a man, fresh cut grass.
64. Favorite Sounds? laughter.
65. Rolling Stones or Beatles? beatles
66. What is the furthest you've been from home? madrid
67. Do you have a special talent? maybe.

just in case you didn't notice, there were random numbers missing. if you know what was meant to be in there, let me know :)

i just waste twenty minutes of my life. hoorah. okay, bye!

till then.
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have you met this man... [02 Feb 2005|07:14pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]
[ music | john mayer again ]

so much is wasted in the afternoon...

i slept all afternoon, well, at least from 5-7. i was out a little late last night or a little early...hm. what would you consider 5am to be? early or late? anyways, i got about two hours of sleep, went to three classes, met a long lost friend for lunch, ran around till 4, then crashed. looking on it, i guess i did a lot, but i felt like a worthless piece of trash today. just one of those days. yet, i still have a smile on my face from yesternight. it's great.

lacey's here. bye loves.

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the ghost in you. she don't fade away. [01 Feb 2005|04:35pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | recovering the satellites ]

what an interesting couple days...i wish i could expound upon that a bit, but too many thoughts are just running through my mind that i can't really put to words what is going on. there are so many great and different things that are just clicking or making sense in my life right now, and i'm so excited about everything. like, even the "bad things" in my life are really just interesting and fun. for example...my car broke down yesterday. it happened two hours after we had taken betsy's car to the shop to get fixed, so between the two of use, we were carless. yet, somehow, it was just hysterical to the both of us, and i don't really think at any point was i upset or worried that things wouldn't work out. i love being happy.

it's like i worry so much about what will happy tomorrow or four years down my life or whenever, yet after things happen in my life that i wasn't expecting, i am so excited about them. this is what i was talking about in my last post. there are things that are just knocking the wind out me right now and are turning me down a different path of life that i wasn't planning on going. and now, i'm so excited about the change in direction...

i will never really know what i want, because once i think i do, God puts something in front of me unexpectedly and is like taunting me, saying, "listen to me instead of yourself. this is really what you want." it's just a perpetual cycle of me not knowing what i want, then knowing, then being put in something new and loving it.

i'm rambling. blah!

okay, i must go. i have to get some stuff done because i have a long night ahead of me.

love always. love life.

till then.

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i'll fly away to somewhere new [31 Jan 2005|01:52am]
[ mood | surprised ]
[ music | counting crows...of course ]

you can't always get what you want...or can you? ultimately, you'll end up loving what you get, so really, is it what you wanted all along? i just thought i'd send that out to the masses.

things are great.

goodnight.

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lock all the doors and turn off the lights... [30 Jan 2005|07:16am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | j. mayer ]

check out the time...why am i up? oh that's right. because i went to sleep at 9:30 last night. whoops!

oh well...it's a cool feeling be up this early and actually awake. and i suppose it's not that early anyways. i'm sure some of my friends regularly get up this early and i'm just a punk and am not used to this. i hate morning breath. i think i may have it worst than anyone else. of course, i can't be sure of this and i don't know the smell of many other people when they first wake up. i should just randomly test all my friends by waking up all the boys at 6:30 am and then having a girls' sleepover party. yes...i have ulterior motives. why am i still talking about this?

i had a great weekend though outside of my bum state last night. i had a big young life planning weekend. admittedly, i don't think we got really THAT much done and i didn't offer up all my ideas to the my group, but it was good spending time with the group. i feel so much more confident in my ministry, but i still get nervous when i'm put on the spot. it drives me nuts about myself. it's not really that i'm nervous, but i know that my face will turn pink, so then i get nervous because i feel less confident and then it's just a perpetual cycle to me feeling silly. oh well. who said silliness and nerves were bad?

i have so much on my mind right now. it's too early to be thinking, but i know that i will be unable to sleep at all anymore 1. because i just slept 9.25 hours and 2. because my head will never let sleep on this amount of excitement/giddiness/questioning/yay-ness! i know yayness is not a word, but i feel yayness in all of my body so back off!

okay, i'm taking my silly self back to lay in my bed and think. it's far too cold to not be under the covers.

till then...

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apathy is my enemy [28 Jan 2005|01:24am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | only the songs in my head. ]

so tonight was so much fun. my grandma came with my aunt dinah. seriously, my grammie is the cutest old lady on the face of the earth. she came in and immediately said, "we went to the rootbeer stand...there were some hmph-hmmm interesting people in there." (referring to triple X) i was excited that she got to come down. then bets and i went shopping (i spent to much) and then came back just in time for game night.

it was so fun. i treasure my friendships with these people so much. they are so amazingly amazing and i couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by. i feel so flattered that God thought enough of me to put these people in my life. ahh. i love it. i love them. i love Him.

drown out the noise.

i need to let go of a few things. i realized this tonight. there are a couple things that are holding me back that i can't quite explain or go into detail about. i just would appreciate the open prayer of "help kathryn." i'm putting my hand into my life a little too much.

i've got a crush. i need to get away from all that. haha. are you surprised though?

okay. i am going to sleep. i think i hurt someone's feelings today and i feel really badly about it. i hate that i caused someone awkwardness or heart ache. i can't stand not knowing what to do in certain situations and i totally found myself in one of those situations today. it fell out of my mouth and i couldn't pull it back in time and now he's sad with me.

i'm blabbering. goodnight all. i'll be in indy tomorrow and busy all weekend, so i might not write for a while.
galatians 2:20

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i can never get enough of love. [27 Jan 2005|01:00am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | ben harper ]

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us . . . And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

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you've lost me... [26 Jan 2005|12:19am]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | why did you mess with forever ]

i hate www.bonsaikitten.com. how do you ban such a thing from happening? help me. i will do whatever i can.

it's hard not to hate in this situation.

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i want to be swept away. [24 Jan 2005|11:13pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | ben folds ]

lacey asked out a random boy on facebook for me. here is what was said:

Katie: so steve, how many friends have you acquired? and also, do you want to date me??

Steve: Almost 50K! Thank you for the kind offer of dating, but I am married to my job. Ok, that's not true at all, we have an open relationship. ANYWAY, it'd be hard to date someone in Indiana, but if I do a show at Purdue, perhaps we can grab a cup of cofee.

i got turned down by a random facebook man. great.

i want a guy to take me out this weekend to the monster truck rally in indy.

also...i want comments, so please post something. i feel like i'm writing to masses that aren't reading or don't care enough. in the beginning there were posts, now nothing. i guess it's intended to be for me, but still.

do you wonder if things really are supposed to be that easy? some days and some things just seem to click a little too easily.

i'm nonsense today! goodnight.

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way down that road... [24 Jan 2005|12:21am]
am i 'with it' or so untrendy? while down at passion, it was a big joke to say, "pink is the new black." lacey mentioned to me that alligator shoes may not be popular next year. i slip on ice in pointy pretty shoes. i put on my shiny totes boots today and tucked my pants into them and chuckled. i felt better about what i wore the other day when someone told me that i look so trendy. i wore brown shoes with a black shirt today. i still have clothes in my closet from 1998. i bought a pair of brand new ripped jeans.

i think i'm in between.

i get annoyed by people who try so hard to be trendy and have everything that is cool at the moment. but at the same time, i hate when people criticize what is trendy and try to be the exact opposite of that. it doesn't matter. if someone wants to wear uggs, then let them. if someone wants to wear a skirt over their pants, okay. if someone decides their belt and shoes don't match and that's okay, well, who really cares. i care about what i look like, but i don't mind enough to worry whether or not i'm being completely original or a copycat of a model on page 52 of cosmopolitan. who cares really.

pink really is the new black. i think i might wear a bit of both.
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she gives a smile when the pain comes... [23 Jan 2005|03:56pm]
[ mood | high ]
[ music | black crowes ]

i just got back from indianapolis. it was a good trip. i love my family. they are just a great group of people. my older brother is just so adorable in how much he's grown up. he was talking to his fiance on the phone, and she was complaining about how she didn't to come down...you know how girls whine about that stuff but guys just sit there, thinking "what do you want me to do about it?" anyways, when he got off the phone, he said, "it was alyssa whining." and i said, "well...you'll get to listen to her whine for the rest of your lives." and he was so cute...he just said, "i know...i love it." i wanted to melt. i love him and i'm so happy he found such a great girl.

the producers was awesome. i love going to the theatre.

i went to church with betsy at common ground this morning. i realize that i am not old enough to wear fancy shoes because they have no traction and i dont' know how to stay standing in them in the snow. i seriously almost bit it three or four times. when i went to dinner after the producers, i was wearing those shoes and they got caught on something in the bathroom and i fell hard. it was disgusting because it was a nasty little bathroom and i fell completely down. all that stuff all over my clothes...blah. i need to wear tennis shoes or boots all the time i think.

i am tired. i have work to do. bye.

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staring out of my window as the world rushes by... [22 Jan 2005|11:08am]
[ mood | mischievous ]
[ music | st. robinson and his cadillac dream ]

i woke up this morning really happy and really excited. about what? i don't know. things seemed great. then i looked out the window and it's gross and snowy outside. i mean...it is pretty from inside, but i so dislike the cold. secondly, i saw myself in the mirror and i have the largest zit in all of existence (i'm really exaggerating). i sometimes wish that i had acne, so one zit wouldn't make a difference. with one, it's the focus of you're face, but with lots, people just are like, 'oh that's too bad.' yeah. i don't know. gross, i don't want to talk about my grossness anymore.

some people are never quite what they seem...

i just started talking to my friend kyle geiger roggencamp. i miss him now. i mean, i did before, but it stinks when you really just want to see one of your friends but they are so far away. i hate saying, "i wish he were still here." but i do. he's great though! we both realized though that we have been friends by association for too long and so we need to become just friends. in other words, we both know so much about eachother's lives, but haven't even spoken to one another directly for a good 2 or 3 months. i don't know how this happened, but it did.

haha, i say that about a lot of things. 'i don't know how this happened, but....' there are currently a list of about 26 things that i could say that about but i will save you all that time of reading 26 lame-o things.

i'm not her, am i?

you look so lovely today....hope you have a good saturday! happy day, happy life!

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tell me something i don't know... [22 Jan 2005|12:13am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | sappy love songs. ]

tonight was amazing. my talk at young life wasn't that great, but it was so great to be up there anyways. i love being a leader. then, i got to talk to my beautiful cousin sarah about her relationship with Jesus and i'm so excited to get to be a part of that. i think she is just so amazing and she found what she was searching for. it's always great to see someone with the desire to just know and learn and be and live in the Lord. it's great to have someone new to grow with and i'm so excited that sarah and i have gotten to talk a little bit about our passions. then, i got to talk to josh for like 20 minutes, which is longer than i expected because he is overwhelmingly busy with work (he's in florida) and more tired than i can understand. it was good getting to hear his voice though because even though i've only known him for three weeks, it's comforting hearing him smile. i don't know, i guess i just miss him a little. i'm really proud of him though and so amazed by his talent.

anyways, those are my prayer requests: 1. my cousin sarah and her amazing life and just her growth in the Holy Spirit. 2. josh and making sure he is safe and conscious at work and that he has time to himself a little to just spend time in prayer or just rest his mind. 3. my ministry...i've been slacking a bit, and just need renewed. i think that is something that has to come from within and i just need to overflow with love instead of force it.

i should just go with the flow a little more. i don't need to prove myself to the world. pride is a hard thing to let go. i'm trying to be humble and patient and active and awestruck and infatuated and accepting all at once, with a smile on my face.

i make little sense to myself...sorry for the unnecessary rambling.

right before i met you, i had fire in my eyes.

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oh no, here comes that sun again. [21 Jan 2005|01:52am]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | Fired- Ben Folds ]

what time is it? i am exhausted but have been dancing around my room and singing for the past hour. i'm so happy right now. i really don't know what it is. there are those points in your life where nothing is really right and it's just so 'blah' and boring. that's how i am right now, but i am just giddy and can't help it. i don't know how really to explain it.

so, you all know how i hate teachers that think the only way to talk to students or keep us enthused is to bring up binge drinking or sex. well, my professor today said, "i bet you didn't know that the seaslugs have a great big orgy, bigger than at a college party." hm...yeah. wow.

i'm excited about this weekend. we're going away for summit. yay! i can't wait to get away with the new group of leaders for young life. i am adoring all of them. i love love love it.

i read something today that said that researchers used to think women were smaller in size because they were childlike and hadn't formed as much as men, which is why they were less intelligent and required less intellectual stimulus. isn't that funny? that was factual 100 years ago. don't you wonder what's factual now that people will laugh about 100 years from now? it's crazy to think about. my so called scientific truths...wow. they will be a joke to the scientists years from now. i don't know why that made me think so much. it's just strange to think of how stupid and in the dark we are about certain things, yet we won't admit to it. people are just too afraid of not knowing that they make things up and say, "this is the truth, don't question it. i went to harvard and i have an iq of 184 and i am great and know all." and we believe them. i really am not afraid of the unknown. i think it's amazing to still have some mystery and questions.

i am adoring you. i really am.

i am going to sleep or will dance for a little longer. goodnight to everyone.

by the way, welcome back to the country flink. i miss you.

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won't you let me walk away this time... [19 Jan 2005|01:04am]
usually i can't handle my soon-to-be sister-in-law's unbelievable about of forwards, but this was cute. instead of forwarding it and annoying you all, i will post it. see...i care!

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today."

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."

cute...isn't it?
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