Erika's Blurty

Subject:	.oO(i want a girls nite!!)Oo.
Time:	2:41 pm.
Mood:	content.
Music:	The Mars Volta: Roulette Dares.

The last couple days have been really awesome. Spending time with John was great, and I'm so glad that I got the chance to, or rather he got the chance to spend time with me. But, I am sad to report he has left. I'm not sure when i'm going to see him again, either. His parents are totally pissed at him for staying here the last two nights. As far as they are concerned though, he wasn't here saturday night, just last night *wink*. Part of me really wishes he would have just stayed here, and let them kiss his ass. After all, he is 17 now, and in Missouri that is the qualification for being a legal adult.. but, i guess he still does live in their house and has to obey their rules.. but, after the shit they said to him lastnight, i wouldn't even bother if i were him. However, I do admire him for having the balls to even go home and put up with their shit.. i know i would be putting it off for as long as possible. I really hope they dont take his truck away agin.. then, i have no idea when i'll see him again -_-.

Heather came over to visit for an hour or so.. *weee!* I'm really glad that I got to see her. However, John was still here, and I really want some girl one on one time. I havent really been able to do that with her in probably a year or so, and i really want to. I wanna have a sleep over!! WOOT!! But, her asshole dad would NEVER let her stay the night here, god forbid! Im an awful person, remember?? Maybe we can work something out. She just logged on. i think i'll go talk to her about it.

Hey! This is the best website ever, because people actually appreciate me:
http://www.octopusdropkick.net/

Visit it or die!!!!

toodles!!!!

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Subject:	.oO(WEEE!)Oo.
Time:	8:13 pm.
Mood:	chipper.
Music:	The Toadies: Possum Kingdom.

yesterday, john *finally* showed up around 5:30 or 6. At first i was a little pissed because he was supposed to be here around 3 or 4, but his friends basically held him hostage at the mall (he didn't drive) but, i got over it pretty quick realizing that it really was beyond his control, and that if i should be mad at anyone i should be mad at his friends for refusing to take him home right then and there.
Anyway, he just left to run over to his friends house to give something back and pick something up and he's coming back. ^_^ Lastnight was really great, *wink*... in all seriousness though, it's been a really long time that i've been this happy to spend time with him.
John is staying the night again with me tonight, and tomorrow we'er going to spend the day together. *wee* I'm so glad that he's back to his normal self.
The first thing he did when he got here is wrapped me in his arms an apologized. I *REALLY DO* have a great boyfriend, and I am really grateful.
Ok, well, i 'm starving, i'm going to go stuff my face before he gets back. Ta ta.

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Subject:	.oO(survey)Oo.
Time:	1:25 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.

my name is]:Erika Ann Barnett
[in the morning i am]: Wishing I had slept the night before
[love is]: what i feel when i look at john
[i dream about]: my future

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: eyes.
[last person u slow danced with]: ...dont remember
[do you have a crush on?]: uhh--no one.
[is easiest to talk to]: Heather.

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: ..yeah
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: Heather
[hugged]: John
[you instant messaged]: Heather
[you laughed with]: mommie

-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: Yeah, i do half of the time. hehe
[what's your favorite food?]: Chinese Food, anything chinese
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: Peaches
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional.
[trust others way too easily?]: no, the opposite.

-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken? ]:twice.
[of hearts i have broken?] : I dont think anyone cared about me enough to do that..
[of boys i have kissed?] : 2
[of girls i have kissed?] : hmm... 4
[of drugs taken illegally?] : 2
[of tight friends?] : Four
[of cd's that i own?] : Too many.
[of scars on my body?] : ...
[of things in my past that i regret?] : kissing my bestfriend
-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]:that john loves me
[i want]: to be happy
[i have]: great friends
[i wish]: i were happier
[i hate]: being ignored.
[i miss]: Heather
[i fear]: being alone
[i hear]: my mom being a tard
[i search]: for my missing sock
[i love]: John.
[i ache]: when i'm out of excedrine migraine.
[i care]: too much
[i always]: annoy people
[i dance]: when i'm alone
[i cry]: when i feel unloved
[i do not always]: want to live
[i write]: about my feelings
[i confuse]: everyone
[i can usually be found]:with john.
[i need]: attention and love.
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]:honestly, no.
[if so, when and with who]: ..NO ONE!
[favorite place to be kissed?]: on my neck, in johns back yard
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: no, but came close too many times
[druggie]: No
[gang member]: hell yaz g.
[daydreamer]: complusive
[alcoholic]: when i need to be
[freak]: in bed, but a lady on the street.
[brat]: no
[sarcastic]: just a bit... ^_^
[goody-good]: hell no.
[angel]:no, but it used to be my nickname for sarcastic reasons
[devil]: see above
[friend]: yeah, a damn good one
[shy]: only at first
[talkative]: when i'm hyper
[adventurous]: totally.
[intelligent]: i have my moments

-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[most annoying thing you do]: apologize too much
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: ...
[describe your personality in one word]: shiny
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: eyes
[height]: 5'8"
[a smell that makes you smile]: John
[a city you'd like to visit]: Chicagon (again, and again and again)
[a drink you order most often]: lemonade
[a delicious dessert]: Brownies.. the ones i make with john
[a book you highly recommend]: Slaughterhouse Five
[the music you prefer while alone]: something i can sing to
[your favorite band]:Sugarcult
[a film you could watch over and over]: Edward Scissorhands
[a TV show you watch regularly]: Law and Order[you live in a(n)]: house
[your transportation]: doesnt run.
[your cologne or perfume]: Peachie stuff.
[something important on your night table]: the novel i'm currently reading

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Subject:	.oO(NOW!)Oo.
Time:	10:45 am.
Mood:	anxious.
Music:	MARE.

Ok, i slept all day yesterday making it impossible for me to sleep at all lastnight, and now I am waiting impatiently for john. I'm afraid he wont come. I'm afraid he wont call. I mean, he hasnt been calling at all for the past week, so why would he call today even though he told me we would do something?? Hopefully, I'm just worrying too much, like I always do.
He said he would come over this afternoon sometime, and it's not even 11am yet and i'm getting impatient. I need like anti-inpatientence pills or something.
I want my boyfriend to come over and hold me and i want to fall asleep in his arms naked. I just want him, and I'm so afraid right now that he doesnt want the same thing, and it worries me so much. I dont know why i'm thinking this way. I know today is going to end up being OK, but I still cant stop myself from worrying.
I'm going to try and sleep until he shows up.
Have fun kids.

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Subject:	.oO(what to do, what to do)Oo.
Time:	8:54 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	conjunction junction,junction what's your function?.

Here I am. Alone on a Friday night. I feel so pathetic. I really want to go out and do something, but that would require calling someone, getting dressed, straightening my hair, and putting on eyeliner.. and i just cant pull myself into doing it. Plus, every single one of my friends are out of town right now just about. I only have like 3 people to pick from, and only one of them is somewhat appealing... and that's John... but, NOooo.. he's out doing stuff with Alan.. BLAH FUCKIN BLAH! He needs to spend time with me! NOW! AHHH! I'm so bored!
I could call my friend Ramon and do something with him, but I have a feeling he's at work.. plus, i'm just not comfortable doing stuff with him because I know John doesn't like it. That and our past does make things a bit awkward.. especially considering I seriously think he's still interested in me as more than a friend.
So, that does it, i've eliminated doing something with all of my in town friends. So, I guess, i'll just sit on my butt and do nothing. I know what i'll end up doing; watching cheesy old horror movies with my mom and step dad. That's always fun. I do enjoy the movies.. just not their company.
Oh well, I guess I'll do nothing because i'm pathetic. Wo is me.

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Subject:	.oO(fuck you)Oo.
Time:	12:17 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	action action: lets never go to sleep.

Lastnight, I talked to john.. he is still being kind odd, but atleast he actually spoke to me, kinda. I didnt really feel like sitting around and 'listening' to his one word responses to *MY CONVERSATION* so, i went to bed early, atleast for me. around midnite i hit the sack, and it was the best sleep i've had in like two months, of course it was purely medicated... but, still a good sleep.

I woke up around noon (early for me) to an unfamiliar laugh. At first it scared the shit out of me, and then i realized it was one of my little brothers friends. A friend that he wasn't supposed to have in the house because he's grounded. So of course i awoke to pure chaos. When he heard the basement door open little kids flew everywhere, then the begging began "Erika! Please dont tell mom! please!"..haha, then i called my mom. I'm such a bitch.

I'm really bored and starting to think maybe i should just take some more seroquel and go back to sleep until tomorrow afternoon, when i'll actually have something to do. That is of course if john is over his one word response-ness. I'm sick of feeling like i'm bothering him. Maybe i shouldnt care anymore. If he doesn't say i'm bothering him, i'm just going to go on doing bothersome things until he snaps.

LA LA LA

I need something to do today, i'm sick of sitting on my ass and being bored out of my skull.

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Subject:	I just want him back.
Time:	6:54 pm.
Mood:	lonely.

Lastnight was a shitty night. I talked to john earlier in the evening and everything *seemed* to be ok. I couldnt sleep so of course I was online aroun 5 am. Around that time i see john sign on, so i message him, i knew he was working on his friends computer, so it didn't suprise me at all when he told me he was busy and just making sure that everything was installed properly, or whatever.. but, then just out of pure curiosity i went to his chat room, there he was.. talking to people other than me. I messaged him, I was upset, but i didnt mean to let on to him that I was. Playfully I messages him with "you're a liar :-P", and then he got all offensive. 'turning the caps lock on and all kinds of other bullshit.. telling me that i was being obnoxious and shit like that. Finally, I broke down into tears. I just wanted to know what the hell I did wrong. Why he didn't want to talk to me. He signed off. Leaving me there just to cry and wonder why the hell he was treating me as though I did something horrible. I havent heard from him since. It hurts me. I feel like I did something wrong, but he says I didnt. I can' t think of anything that I did that would make him want to avoid me like he has been doing, but I had to have done something because I am the only person that he is avoiding. I mean, he's been spending time with all of his other friends, and ignoring me. I really dont think that makes any sense, especially since he claims i didnt do anything wrong. If I didnt do anything wrong why the hell am i being treated so badly? Especially now, when he knows that I'm already upset about how everyone else has been treating me. My mother and the entire world has somehow in unison decided that I am the worlds worst teenager and that i should be punished, even my boyfriend.

Hopefully, I am overreacting. Hopefully, John is right and I am just being an obnoxious brat. Maybe I do want too much from him. But, I do think as his girlfriend we should atleast talk a few times a week, if not everyday. I'm so hurt right now. I cant stop crying. Lastnight I tried calling him to see what i did wrong, but again he ignored my calls. I'm so afraid that i'm messing things up because i'm concerned about why he is being so hateful to me. But, it's stupid for me to feel this way, because I know that i did nothing wrong. I feel I am being treated wrongly and there is nothing I can do about it because he wont give me the time of day to even figure out what the fuck is going on.

I want to call him so bad. But, i can't. Because I've already acted pathetic beyond belief; leaving him offline messages and stupid voice mails. I just want him to act like he loves me and cares. Just two night ago he told me, in one of our five minute conversations, that i wasnt completely unwanted, that he wants and loves me. I believe it. I know it's true. But, why all of a sudden does he act as though he doesnt?

All week I've been looking forward to spending my weekend with him, and now i'm afraid that he's not going to. I'm afraid because i'm upset he's not going to want to see me. I'm so afraid that he isn't going to call me. I dont know what to do. I feel so lonely and pathetic.. i feel as if i have no one. I know i have friends, but with him being the most important person in my lilfe, and completely ignoring me, i might as well be alone.

All of these feelings that I'm having are hurtful and pissing me off. I just want to talk to my boyfriend, i just want to hear him tell me that everything is ok. I just want him back. I'm sick of this. I just want my boyfriend back. I just want him back. I'm at the point of not caring why he's mad at me anymore. I just want him back.

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Subject:	.oO(nobuddy luvs me)Oo.
Time:	4:51 pm.
Mood:	lonely.
Music:	....

Today Heather was supposed to come over and visit, of course against her fathers will. He really wasn't going to know, but the ass took off early to spend time with her. I really dislike that man. He has something against me, and I'm not sure what. I dont understand why he hates me so. He claims i'm some kinda of bad influence on Heather... if anything i'm a good influence. Maybe that's just my consceded side talking though.

I'm really sick of feeling unwanted. Today I called John and to me, maybe it was just me, he seemed like he really didn't want to talk to me, and that he hated the fact that he was talking to me. I dont understand why though. i just wanted to talk to my boyfriend, ya know? I dont understand why all of this is happening to me. Everyone seems to be treating me as though i'm some kinda of annoyance, or a horrible person. I know i'm probably going way over board in saying that john was treating me as an annoyance, and he probably wasnt acting the way he did on purpose, he did sound really out if it, but still- it annoys me. Especially since he cant have a 10 minute conversation with me on the phone, but he can go out with his friends. I really dont understand what i've done that's so wrong that makes him want to be so distant from me. Again, I'm most likely over reacting and totally going to regret saying all of this.

Lastnight I went through the same feelings I am right now, only amplified. I talked to John *FINALLY* for only about 15 minutes online. I kept accusing myself of being unwanted, hated, and a horrible person. But, what is else is to be expected from a person whose own mother less than a day before told her that she didnt want her living with her, what else is to be expected from a person whose best friends dad wont let her spend time with her because he thinks she's a bad influence, and I'm going to regret saying this, but what else is to be expected from a person who feels like her boyfriend is avoiding her for no reason clear to her??

I really feel shitty and alone right now. I know it'll probably all go away in a few hours, but still these few hours are the worst. All of the horrible thoughts going through my head make it even worse. Thoughts of hurting myself, and thoughts of just cutting myself away from everyone seem to be most prevelant. I'm so fucking sick of feeling unloved and unwanted...and i feel selfish because I know john loves me and he wants me, but i'm pulling all of these feelings out of my head because he hasnt really talked to me in two days. I think maybe i'm just way too demanding and expect way too much out of him. I'm an attention hound. I wish i weren't, because it clearly annoys him, and everyone else around me.

Atleast I'm better off than i was yesterday, when I wished I were dead.

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Subject:	.oO(AnSwErRRR)Oo.
Time:	9:39 pm.
Mood:	pissed off.
Music:	keine.

I'm so fucking bored right now. I have nothing to do, but sit on my ass and wait for John to call me back.. and i think if he does actually call me back i'm going to fall over and fucking die. I have been trying to get ahold of his ass all fucking day. I understand that he had shit to do, but DAMN. He has a fucking cell phone, he acts like it would kill him to answer the phone and talk to me for two fucking minutes... but, he can still go out and hang out with his friends.. and not return my call.
You know what, i dont even know why i care. I'm most likely over reacting, but shit.. i really needed to talk to him, i was so upset this morning when my mom told me she didnt want me here, i just needed someone to comfort me, and he's the only one i want. I feel like crying, and it pisses me off. I feel like I have NO ONE right now. My mom doesnt want me here, none of my other friends are answering their phones, and I dont want to bother Heather with my stupid bullshit while she's in town, that's not what she's here for. I just wanted to talk to john, because he's been there with me through all of this before, and i thought maybe he would understand. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, and i know thats total bullshit.. but, how else should i feel when he conveniently doesnt answer his phone all day?
I feel like I should feel sorry for feeling this way.. but, i do, i feel unwanted and alone.

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Subject:	.oO(all about the BeNjAmIn$)Oo.
Time:	5:38 pm.
Mood:	rejected.
Music:	NIN: Starfuckers Inc..

Today so far hasnt been so great. It started off with my mom waking up around 5 am, and coming into the office and telling me basically that she never wanted me to move in with her and that if i dont get a job, she's kicking me out. It's such bullshit. I asked her what her reasoning was, and she just rambled off some shit about my self-esteem. I really dont see how working a job I dont want to be working, being forced to do, is going to help my self esteem. I know what her reasoning is; $$$. It's always about money to her, and it pisses me off so much. She's fucking crazy if she thinks i'm going to give her money out of my paycheck to live in this rathole house. Wait, I forgot, she is fucking crazy. Unstable bitch!!
Not only am I angry about the $$$ issue, it really hurt me when she told me she didn't want me here. Imagine, a parent telling her child that she doesnt want her. It's such bullshit. I cried myself to sleep, THANKS MOM!
So, yeah-- all day today I looked for placed to apply for a job. I have a list of about 20 places to apply around here. I cant work anywhere more than 3 miles away because i refuse to ride the bus, and my fucktarded parents won't let me get my fucking liscense. Hmmm.. I wonder why.. could it have anything to do with *$$$*??? FUCKERS! Get this shit, they bought me a car for my 16th birthday and then the day before my birthday they told me i couldnt get my license (YES! I am still trippin' over that, even though it was a year ago!!!). I really dont see how she expects me to work without a way to get to work, she knows I am a lazy fat ass, why the hell would i want to WALK? Stupid ass.
Bleh- I'm all hot and nausiated now. I just did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen (mind you, none of the mess was mine-- all my little brothers) in a mad panic in hope to save my ass from being bitched at some more when she gets home. I'm sick of her bullshit.
Now, I wish I could just get a hold of john. (-_-) I miss him.

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