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Monday, December 15th, 2003
10:48 pm - Woah.
Wow. Seriously, wow. I got my Science Finals back today. I was extremely pleased. I worked my ass off for two weeks, studying, and still trying to have a social life, and you know what I got? I got a 94! So, I passed Science ^_^ And my Science teacher wants to enroll me in Honors next year. I want to go into zoology, which requires 4 Science credits, so, the way I see it, either I can take just two years of Honors and have it count as the 4 credits, or I can take 4 years of Honors, and get 8 credits, which would look really good on a college application.

For once in my life, I actually have a direction. I don't know what I thought I'd do, but I know now that I really want to do this. Besides, I don't think I could make it as a pirate, I like to bathe every day o.0

I'll be posting everything else from now on at http://livejournal.com/users/cyanide_pirate

current mood: accomplished
current music: Bow Wow - Let's Get Down

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Thursday, December 11th, 2003
2:54 pm - -Groans and awakens from her very long sleep-
Damn, it's been years since I updated this thing! Ah well. Lots of news.

I've made some new friends, one of them being Tara. She's really cool... even though she is always high. She's 14, like me, but her mom buys her her stuff. I want her mom o.0 She gave me one of the coolest compliments ever the other day. Told me I looked just like my sister. That means a lot, I like my sister, she's so pretty, and she's smart and she's nice to everyone. She's perfect x.X I met up with my brother the other day, he goes to the highschool. Can't remember if I've said that before or not... Tara said she gets along with me the same way she gets along with them.

Hm, I havn't been on AIM for, like, months. Our router got fried. Again. Soooo... I've been on my moms computer. Spent a lot of time chatting with friends on chat boards and working on some new stories. I've got 4 in the works right now, three fanfictions, and one original.

April spent the night at my house the other night and we were up until 2 AM watching movies. We watched Not Another Teen Movie, The Lost Boys, Queen of the Damned, Blade II, and 2Fast 2Furious. April is my girl -kisses and hugs-

I'd also like to give muchos kisses and hugs (and licks!) to me Literate Drunken Rabid Slashy Fangirls (And Guys): Emi ~Seksi Slashy Piratess~ _|_ Bliss ~Capn Bliss~ _|_ Mel ~Half Drunk Piratess~ _|_ Madeleine Turner ~Maddy the Mad~ _|_ Kieran Alebottle ~Kieran the Ale-Bringer Who is Not Slashy Nor a Girl~ _|_ Kher ~No Piratess Name Yet~ _|_ Honest ~Honest Bones~ _|_ Kaeldra ~Le Serving Wench~ _|_ Manda ~Overly Fantasized Bloometh Follower~

Aye Emi, we do need to start a massive orgy with all the Literate Drunken Rabid Slashy Fangirls (And Guys), and include Jack and Will. And remember Emi, that they need to make a blow-up Jack doll that Comes With Life-Size Sword! "Hey Emi, which sword are we talking about?" "The sword that requires quotation marks around it, of course."

I'd like to give special kisses, huggles, glomps, and licks to these people:
Emi, for being me best rum buddy and girlfriend. I'm sorry I cheated on you with Mel. And I'm glad you always have rum. And allow me to lick it off you ^_~
Mel, for being the only one who is never drunk and therefore keeps the rest of us out of trouble.
Kaeldra, for being mine and Emi's serving Wench, my idol, and my boss.
Honest, for being my first friend from the Guild of Honest Critics, and for giving me permission to use the Broom of Doom any time.
Bliss, for being me cap'n and making me laugh all the time.
Maddy, for being the loveable blonde you are.
Kieran, for providing me with someone to argue with (rum is better than Irish Ale you fool!) and one of my only 2 male drinking buddies.
Kher, for always having rum for me!
Manda, for being the crazed Orlando Bloom fan that she is (He looks way better blonde. With pointy ears...)
Biz, for giving me a goal to reach.
Anikki, for 'showing me the light'.
Bubbles, for sticking with me through all the fights we've been through.
Hotaru, for giving me someone to exchange insults with. Have to keep the tongue sharp, you know ^_^
And finally, though they aren't part of my drinking buddies, Brittney and Tristan for being my first girls and getting my head straightened out.

Now, have some more friends that I want to give extremely special hugs to. Bunni and Camaro. Camaro has been my friend, my inspiration, my idol, and my firm hold for a long time. Ever since her story Dark Angel. Thank you Camaro. Talking to you helps me clear my head, and you always have the perfect advice that gets me going in the right direction again.
Bunni had been more of an aquantince until recently. I loved Bunni's writing and how it always made me smile, and Bunni shares the same twisted sense of humor with me. I began to understand Bunni better though just a few days ago, because it seems we share a lot of the same feelings when it comes to our preferences. I'm glad I'm not the only one in the group who when she is with a guy, feels like she is a whore, but doesn't feel bad at all being with a girl.

More things to say.

Ericka, I can't beleive you're taking Phillip back and believing him over me. I was standing right there when he asked for Billy's phone number. Billy doesn't have a brother, how can you believe Phillip?? When have I ever lied to you before or been wrong about a guy before? When you catch him redhanded, don't say I didn't warn you.

April, like, oh my god, we are so lesbian together! Haha, I love ya April. Can't wait for next weekend. And I promise not to let anything crawl out from under my bed to get you ^_~

Eddie, you're probably the only guy I don't feel like a whore when I think about you. Can't wait to see you again. I want my pants back, my mom is wondering where they are ^_^

Henry, I miss you bunches. I hope to get on AIM soon so I can talk to you.

Jimmy, I miss you so much! I havn't been shoved into any boxes, or heard any jokes about cutting dicks off and putting them in jars, or masterbating with a severed hand, or anything like that for ages! Again, I hope to get on AIM soon...

Brittney and Tristan, aishiteru. You both mean so much to me. And Tristan, it's not my fault make-up tastes bad. Maybe you've learned something. -Huggles, kisses, glomps, licks, and squeezes to both of you-

Well, I think that's it. Long post I know. I'll post again soon.

current mood: amused
current music: Chingy - Right Thurr

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
7:02 pm - *Kicks random things*
Today was fuckin' hell, you know that? Yesterday, i got bitch slapped by my momma for backtalkin', hard enough to make my gums bleed, and then today... oh, damn, I'm pissed about today.

We were sitting down to watch TV while we ate dinner, and I wanted to watch Spirited Away, I knew she'd like it, and I knew my sister liked it, but she didnt want to, so I was like, "Fine, what do you wanna watch?" and she was like "Whatevers on at 6." and I have no clue what was on tv, so I tossed the remote to her and told her to find it herself, and she threw the remote at me, (which really hurt, btw) and then we had a huge argument about how I was an ungrateful bitch and shit like that. We were yellin', and she said something about not being able to wait until I was out of the house, and I yelled at, "Well why don't you just get rid of me? You wnated to do it earlier in the year!" and she yelled back "I wouldn't give you the pleasure!" The only reason she keeps me around is 'cause my grandparents would be pissed, and they'd stop sending her money every month.

I'm sick of her treating me like shit, I'm at the point right now where it's either knock the shit out of her or my sister or runaway, and either way I end up in juvie. I dunno, would I rather be in there for assault or for runin' away? I'm seriously ready to grab my wallet, my CD's, and some other stuff and just takin' off. Don't know where I'd go, probably to Eddie...

Damn... I am just so fuckin' pissed...

current mood: pissed off
current music: Marilyn Manson- Doll Digga Buzz Buzz Ziggity Zag

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
9:13 pm - Good times
Life's been ok lately, I guess. I'm watching The Lost Boys, a movie made in 1987 about vampires, for like, the 20th time. The case for the dvd won't even close right anymore, lol.

Tuesday night I met my older brother for the first time. He's sweet and funny, kept me laughing the whole time.

I havn't ridden the bus in god knows how long, my mom drives me to school in the mornings, and I walk home in the afternoons, I don't feel like getting in a fight on the bus because people think I'm a lesbian. As if. Anyways.

I'm talkin' to my girl right now, Ericka. She was like, my first friend at school, and it really helped me. She told me who people were, helped me find my way around, and was there for me, stuck up for me. Sure, she talks shit about me behind my back sometimes when she's pissed, but it doesn't bother me. Hell, I'd probably do it too if I was friends with me, lol.

Ericka, I'm sorry I'm not there as much as I used to be, and I'm sorry I'm "always hanging onto Austin's arm" and "letting Austin drag me off", but I'll try to be there more. Promise.

Ericka: Tell me the truth, do you still have feelin's for Ryan?
Me: *Laughing* God no. That fat-assed jerk?
Me: Besides, Austin has a bigger dick than Ryan does. *laughing*
Ericka: I did NOT want to know that!
Ericka: Oh my god!
Me: *laughing*
Ericka: Not funny!

Haha...

Sam Emerson: So where're we going?
Michael Emerson: Nowhere.
Sam Emerson: So what's the rush? You're chasing that girl aren't you? Come on, admit it. I'm at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.

Sam Emerson: Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night Michael, just like out of a comic book! You're a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire.

Sorry, couldn't resist. That's MY movie baby.

I love The Lost boys. Fine ass vampires who KNOW how to pull off blonde hair and mullets.. dressed in tight leather... showin' lots of sexy toned skin... *drools*

Well, I be out. Shout at me muthafackos.

current mood: relaxed
current music: "Be One of us Michael"- David (I'm watching The Lost Boys

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
7:19 pm - MORE quizzies! Yay-ness!

What Video Game Character Are You? I am a Gauntlet Adventurer.I am a Gauntlet Adventurer.


I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly. What Video Game Character Are You?

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6:49 pm - Heh heh, more tests


Your magical style is Dark.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox



You are a vampire.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox



You are a siren.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox


Congratulations, you're Ambassador G'Kar, proud Narn warrior and spiritual leader.
Which Babylon 5 Character are you?
Take the Babylon 5 Quizby Paradox.


Congratulations, you're an Iele, a blood-sucking cat who hunts humans.
What kind of female faerie are you?
Take the female faerie quizby Paradox.


Congratulations, you're a Satyr, a lusty woodland fae.
What kind of male faerie are you?
Take the male faerie quizby Paradox.


Congratulations, you're Seattle, the Emerald City.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.


Congratulations, you're Los Angeles, the City of Angels.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.



You're Renée Haslett.

Which Rene(e) are you?. Take the Rene(e) Quiz by Paradox

The Artist
Creators, dreamers, and artists change the world, even if they're not writing the laws or building the new technologies. They influence the way people see things. And they make a record of the human experience -- not just the historical facts. Being an artist doesn't have to mean going to art school and taking up the paintbrush; artists occupy all sorts of jobs and walks of life. So just keep the artist inside you alive by expressing yourself, and we look forward to seeing how you affect the world around you.
Think we're delusional? Take the quiz again.
12% of the people who took this quiz got the same evaluation.

Yup. I'm addicted to these things, lol.


current mood: okay
current music: Christina Milian- AM to PM

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
1:32 pm - Fucking hell...
Haha, I feel pretty satisfied. Me and Austin fucked again last night. It was good.

Don't get me wrong, I love Henry, I do. Austin is just.... there, you know? Haha, kinda like that time with Ericka's boyfriend Andre, remember that Ericka? Austin is adorable the way he thinks I actually like him. And I can't do anything wrong either, lol. I was drapped over Jacob and Austin got pissed at Jacob and not me.

I've lost a few friends lately, not that it bothers me. It took a few them a while to get the hint that I didn't want to talk to them. Ashley kept following me around, didn't even get the hint when i shoved her away and went to the other side of the street. She didn't even get the hint when I slammed the door in her face. I've kinda shut myself away from everyone lately. Went shopping last night with my dad, he was checking out all these girls, it was funny. He's always been more like my brother than my dad.

I don't really know what the fuck was up with me yesterday, too many different pills I guess. April was laughing when I was popping them at school while we skipped gym. Me and her were walking around and she was laughing the whole time while she held onto me because Austin, Jacob, and some other guy i don't know were following us "accidently" touching our asses. I got dragged up to peer mediation though, because I supposedly threatened to jump Adrian and Auriel. I didn't though. They were talking shit, I talked shit back, they got pissed, Auriel hid behind her brother (Who is fatter than Ryan and that's fucking fat) and some of the other highschoolers and they were talking about how they were gonna jump our asses. Eight against two (me and Ashley) isn't exactly fair, but hey, a fights a fight, right? They chickened out though after I beat the shit out of Nathan. I'm not above showing my brother who's the boss.

Heather doesn't want to fight me any more. She had wanted to fight me because I'm a poser, I'm still trying to figure out what i'm posing as. I think she don't like me because her idol, Courtney, don't give two shits about her and won't giver her the time of day, but is real buddy-buddy with me. Courtney's a bit wierd. She can tell you anything, I mean ANYTHING, you want to know about Metallica.

I bought a new Manson CD last night and was playing it all night. Call me crazy, but that man is hot.

I'm getting sick of my mom fussing over me though. So I eat one meal a day, what's wrong with that? I leave my room three times a day, what's wrong with that? She's all worried because of how I don't go out in the sun anymore and I sleep all day and am awake all night.

My damn principle is blind. Seriously, I've had my hair died with the dark purple bangs for 3 months now and she JUST noticed it the other day. Courtney said she thought for sure I was going to get suspended, but I talked my way out of it, somehow.

Nathan made me watch 8 Mile. I'm sorry, but the movie sucks. It made no sense to me. Ok, it made sense, but what's the point? Who cares? I dunno, I guess I'm just more into horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies. The Lost Boys, made in 1987 is a really good one. Those vamps can pull off mullets ^_~

I'd say that's all I have to say for now, I've got other shit to do. Like finding a new toy. Hm...

current mood: satisfied
current music: Marilyn Manson- This Is The New Shit

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Friday, November 7th, 2003
6:13 pm - What are these things rolling down my cheeks?
It so foreign to cry. The sobs that wrack my body scare me. This emotion I can't put a feeling on. It scares me so much. I hate my life. As soon as things began to go right, things fall apart. Why for once can't the Gods leave me alone? What have I done so wrong?

I feel like my body is being torn apart from the inside as I try to hold these tears at bay. For 20 minues previously sobs have made my body shake, blinding me. Sweat mixes with the salt of my tears, and all I smell is sweat, vomit, and blood.

Escape... I need to escape... pills... sleep... I want to sleep forever... can't sleep without the pills though. No dreams. Can't have dreams. No. Dreams are bad. Darkness, it's all I want. Eternal darkness...

It hurts. It hurts so bad. I want a razor so bad. The skin of my arm tingles, begging for the bite of the blade... God save me... save me from myself. Someone... please. I'm so alone... I'm so tired... I don't want to be alone... Please don't let me be alone... I don't want to die alone...

I want another human's touch, but it burns. It hurts, so bad. I looked in the mirror for the first time today in a few days. I'm so pale... There are dark circles under my eyes. The light burns. Darkness. Please. I want to lose myself. Get lost in the darkness.

I wear so many layers of clothing now. The sunlight hurts. Like skin on mine... It burns. I wear a hooded sweatshirt constantly and sit in the dark of my room. When the sunlight shines into my room I retreat to the darkness of my closet. At night I'm awake, I'm ready to live, but during the day, I want to sleep. The darkness calls to me. They won't let me wear my hood in school. As long as I can help it, the sunlight doesn't touch any part of my skin. It burns. I want human touch so bad, a hug, a high-five, any sort of contact, but I always pull away. It hurts. My skin... I want it off... I want my razor. It calls to me...

No. No I don't want to go back there. Please, please, I don't want to go. Don't let them take me... I can't go back to the psychiatric ward... no... Please, God, please...

New salt trails are on my cheeks. The tears won't stop. I touch my cheeks and look at my fingers. When was the last time I cried? Why does it feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. I can't breathe. Let go...

Night... Darkness...

I'll be expelled if they find my secret... no, must make sure I don't let anyone see... Precious... My precious pills... No, no one will take you away... Darkness... Please... Take me away... I'm alone...

I'm scared. I'll die alone.

Servo mihi de meipraebeo, commodo, deus, commodo...

Ego faveo ne opto morior solus...

No one knows I speak Latin... another secret... Secrets... secrets are good... like darkness... like sleep... Eternal sleep... commodo...

Ego opto moriir... --- I want to die...

current mood: Suicidal
current music: Good Charlotte- The Day That I Die

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
9:45 pm - Happidy happidy happidy
Do you know what today was? 'Twas my birthday ^_^ I feel so old... blah-ness. I got a total of 90$, a DVD/VHS player, and 7 DVDs. And lots of candy and random little things from my friends. We had a blast today, I took black icing to school, and me and my friends were putting it on our lips, tongues, and teeth, and we had like, black holes for mouths. It was funny. I was being a smart ass in Mrs. Burbank's class, she asked me to stay after for detention, but I didn't. Got the paper back that I did in Science, where we had to write a two page summary on Newton's First Law of Motion. I got a 99. Made a 91 on my math test... 100 on my LA test... So, as you can see, not much happened today...

Kept getting glomped by Nathan... I got so many hugs today I lost count. I'm loved ^_^ Haha. So... Yeah.

I had more stuff to write, because it's been a long time since I've written... I don't know...

Oh. I know. One thing that sucks. Is I eat four meals a day (small ones, but 4 all the same) but I'm losing weight like, really really fast. Pants I just bought don't fit anymore, they need a belt. And a belt I just got, that I really really like, I ran out of holes. The belt's too big now, it won't keep my pants up.

I've done some things lately I'm not proud of, but I don't want to talk about them here.

Ashley and I are savin' up our money, and tryin' to figure out rides 'n shit. We're runnin'. I don't know, I kinda wanna go, but then I don't... I guess it don't really matter to me. Ash is better off in New York. That's where we're headed. I don't know exactly when yet, but we're gettin' outta here. I don't know how long it'll be before she misses her family and want's to come home. She got family in New York, yeah, that's why we're going there, but I don't know how long I wanna stay there either. New York ain't my kinda place. Too cold. I'm more of an LA girl, but Ash don't wanna go there.

I don't know. I gotta see where time leads us.

current mood: happy
current music: Good Charlotte- Boys and Girls

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
12:39 pm - More quizzes!

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of life and rebirth. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 years and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then, after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melodious song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is also a symbol of the sun and immortality.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!



So... what's on TV tonight?
If you were a room in a house, what room would you be?

What Natural Disaster are you? Take the quiz!



Medieval Weapon Do You Fight With? Take the quiz!





If I had lived 4500 years ago, I would have been...

an Egyptian!


One of the first civilizations (and also the longest lasting) was Egypt. Most famous for the
gigantic tombs of stone called the pyramids, they also established many things that we take for granted today: a 365
day calender, paper, and basic arithmetic to name a few.



When you want something done, you get it done! You're very determined and practice at things until you like the result.
Chances are you're a perfectionist, but hey, that's a good thing!



~ TAZL.com ~ Take Quiz ~




Which HP Kid Are You?


I ith Ith!





Take the "What Jokers Card are you?" Test

created by bridgette




Quiz @ TAZL.com






You're fire! In general you're not a mean person but you can be very quick tempered, and boy, WHAT A TEMPER YOU CAN HAVE. You are angered very easily and you sometimes have anti-social habits.




What element are you?






You're darkness! You are about the most evil thing on this planet...who knows if you are sane or not but one thing is for sure, you're not a people person. You're more bent on destoying mankind, when it comes right down to it.




What element are you?






You're Halloween! You like being creepy and gothy. ^_^ You're also the holiday most associated with candy...yay for you! Just don't eat too much candy or you'll turn into a big round ball! >_<




What 'Hallmark' Holiday are you?


current mood: hyper
current music: Nathan's voice

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12:03 pm - Quizzies, yay!












You are Kusakabe Marron | Kaito Jeanne

You are generous and talented, though often widthdrawn. You tend to have just a few close friends, rather than many. You appear very cheerful and enthusiastic, but struggle to keep up with what others expect of you. In the end, your perseverance and sacrifices help you pull through.

Take the "What Magic Girl are you?" Quiz

You are maroon. You represent cunning stength, but usually a manipulative power evolves from it. You are vengeful and impure, and have nearly lost all hope at become beautiful inside again.

What inner color are you?







What Lilo and Stitch Char. are you?


Which Harry Potter Marauder Are You?




Congrats, you are most like Sephiroth, the villain of Final Fantasy Seven! In addition
to being drop dead sexy, you're a little on the crazy side ^_^; You like fire and have torched a few towns.
You have a giant sword called the masamune and have a tendency to impale people with it. You also
want to become one with the planet, not to mention you have a weird thing for your mother. But, hey,
you're sexy, so it's all good! =D




What Final Fantasy Villain Are YOU?!






Definitely one of the lesser known of mythical bests, the basilisk is described as having the head and legs of a rooster, the body of a serpent, and the wings of a bat (although there are wingless varieties). You were the blame of hundreds of thousands of deaths in the middle ages. Your breath and gaze is deadly. Hundreds of basilisk hunts were organized to get rid of you. The hunters would carry mirrors so that, if they encountered a basilisk, they would have it look in the mirror and destroy itself! Weasels were also reputed to be able to kill it, as they could resist it's deadly gaze. It was a potent symbol of death and in some cultures the embodiment of Death himself. In Christianity, the Basilisk was linked with Satan.
What mythical beast best represents you?

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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
3:04 pm - Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, and yes, fuck you too.
Today fucking sicked. I mean major sucked. After getting 2 damn hours of sleep last night, I have to stand in the freezing cold in FISHNET because all three of my hoodies are dirty. So. We get to school, and I sit with Austin, Jacob, and Mathew as always. Think things went normally? You'd be wrong. I thought things wouldn't change between me and Jacob, but he's pissed at me, because when I dumped him, I accepted Austin's cell number. So he isn't speaking to either of us.

For some reason, that at the time I didn't know, all of my friends that I sit with watched me eat lunch and kept offering more. I was like "What the fuck, I'm full, a slice of pizza and fries was enough, thanks." But they wouldn't leave me alone 'til I ate another order of fries.

So. I'm feelin' kinda dizzy and sick, so I slept through math and was kinda... not there during science, you know? Then in Exploring Languages, I'm really freaked out. Turns out that even though I have never heard Latin, considering it is a dead language, I can understand it. She was asking us what words meant, and I knew all of them. Then, she asked me what Duodeviginti meant, and I was like, that's easy, it's 18. And she looked at me. Everyone was staring at me and she broke out in this big smile and asked me to explain to the class how I knew that. It took me a minute, but I finally figured it out for myself. Duo= 2 De= from Viginti= 20. 2 from 20. 18. So I get a few homework passes. Yay. Note the sarcasm.

Then comes the class I hate even more than gym. Computers. Why do I hate it? No, it's not because I'm not good in there, as a matter of fact, I'm best in my class. No I hate it because of -shudder- Mrs. Fingado. She treats me like a mental case, like I don't know what I'm doing. Hello, I'm making the best grades in your class, I know even more about computers than you do, I think I know what I'm doing! Well, the bell rings, and I've got places to be. But no, she holds me after class. Our conversation went a little like this:
"Bailey, I've noticed you've lost some weight..."
"That's nice."
"Well, it would be, except you've lost it very rapidly... Are you eating?"
"Yes."
"When you eat, do you eat enough?"
"Duh." By now, I'm a little annoyed.
"When you eat, do you, you know, keep it down? Or do you"
"No. I eat, ok?"
"Bailey, the rate you're losing weight at isn't healthy..."
"I'm fine"
"I'm just worried about you."
"Gee thanks. I have to go now."
"Bailey"
"Later."
And I walked away and outside. What was with her? I was still fat as always! So. I get outside and look for Courtney and Ashley and the others in the courtyard. Finding them under our tree that only we stand under, I am immediately jumped on by Ashley, demanding to know where I've been, I'm late. I start complaining about my run-in with Mrs. Fingado and Courtney nodded.
"Yeah, I meant to say something earlier, but I forgot. I kinda noticed it before, but then today, after we got back from the three day weekend, I was like "Damn!""

So, apparently I'm losing weight. It doesn't look liek it to me... Ok, so every pair of pants I own requires a belt to stay up, and all my shirts look like dresses except my old tight shirts. I went shopping yesterday and noticed that I had to get smaller sizes in EVERYTHING. I got some new pants, some t-shirts, mesh shirts, stuff like that.

I dunno. I still look like the same old fat chica to me...

current mood: irritated
current music: Korn- Did My Time

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Monday, October 20th, 2003
12:10 am - My Heart No Longer Bleeds pII
Lette wit an ax: i love you so much..
Ryda Fo Life 187: i love you too
Lette wit an ax: can i ask you something?
Ryda Fo Life 187: sure
Lette wit an ax: is this, what we have, i know its not much, but is it real to you?
Ryda Fo Life 187: to me?
Ryda Fo Life 187: yes.. i do believe it is
Lette wit an ax: because, especially after our phone talk, i've got feelings for you, and i dont wanna get to deep into this if it doesnt mean the same to you as it does to me
Ryda Fo Life 187: larry thinks im crazy because of it lol
Ryda Fo Life 187: i dont blame you
Ryda Fo Life 187: i feel for you about the same way i would for an rl gf
Lette wit an ax: when you tell me you love me, do you mean it?
Ryda Fo Life 187: yes
Lette wit an ax: good. never tell me you love me if you don't mean it.
Ryda Fo Life 187: k
Ryda Fo Life 187: i think about u alot
Lette wit an ax: i think about you all the time
Ryda Fo Life 187: i think about u b4 bed
Ryda Fo Life 187: if i feel close to a girl i tend to think abou them b4 i sleep
Lette wit an ax: i was thinking about you last night and how it would feel to fall asleep next to you
Ryda Fo Life 187: i was thinking a simaler thought
Ryda Fo Life 187: i held my cow and fell asleep
Lette wit an ax: i cuddled Clyde *nods*
Ryda Fo Life 187: *kisses*

I feel so releived. He... he means the world to me. Henry, I love you.

current mood: relieved
current music: Kottonmouth Kings- Grow Room Jam

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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
11:49 pm - My heart no longer bleeds
I wasn't sure I could feel this way again, after him. I find it so easy to open up to Henry though. We have so much in common. We love the same bands, we share the same religious beleifs, we both aren't carefree but we love to be immature. He is amazingly sweet, and funny as hell. He makes me laugh and smile, and I feel good about myself around him. We talked on the phone for the first time tonight, for over three hours. If things go as planned, I'll be spending some time with him over the summer at his home in MA. I've never really liked online relationships because they were so stressful, but with Henry, things are different. I trust him completely, and handing my heart to him is so easy. I find myself telling him silly little things, things I've never told anyone, lol.

I have to ask him though, if it's real for him. I have strong feelings for him, especially after our 3 hour phone conversation. I don't want my feelings to get any stronger if he doesn't mean it when he says he loves me.

current mood: loved
current music: The Bloodhound Gang- The Bad Touch [Eiffle 65 Mix]

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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
9:37 pm - Hot Guy Alert
Hm, I don't stay single for long, do I? I go out with Henry Kirtus Ireland now. He's definately the kinda guy I could fall in love with, and I don't know why I'm setting myself up for pain so soon after him. Maybe he will be different. I hope so, because I have strong feeligns for him... He's really cute, really sweet, funny, everything a girl could want. And I hope it lasts between us.

current mood: content
current music: Metallica- One

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7:50 pm - Finally
Finally something goes right. I got my car today. So I'm in a good mood. Problem is, it's a sucky car. The new Honda Element. Got it with a free $800 cd player in it too. 20 inch rims, saving up for a paint job. It's gonna be metallic purple, to match this one thong I have, and the interior is going to be black and purple zebra stripes. Not sure what kinda stuff I'm gonna have on the outside yet, I havn't decided between lightening or flames. But I'm getting the Hatchet Man on the rear window.

Yeah, I'm gonna go brag some more...

current mood: hyper

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Friday, October 17th, 2003
6:54 pm - Wearing the mask
Why doesn't anything ever go right?

Damnit, today Jacob and I broke up. It was a mutual thing, we just didn't dig each other enough. I was in health class though when it happened. The "it" being Austin giving me the digits to his cell and to call him now that I was single...

Damn. There's a game of tug-of-war being played and I'm being put in the middle. Ericka thinks Austin and I are just friends, and she... well, she trusted me not to tell Austin about how she was pregnant... Austin was behind me though when I was talking to Ashley about it. Ashley already knew, of course, and we were just discussing it further, and when I shut my locker and turned around, Austin was standing there, staring at me. He asked me why I hadn't told him, and I told him it wasn't my place, and Ericka had cheated on him the last time they went out, he should have expected her to do it again. I told him I hadn't wanted to hurt him by telling him. The way he looked at me... it was like he had never seen me before. He acted weird all day, and even joked more about taking Jacob's place. After lunch, he kept putting his hands on my hips and pulling me against him. Let's say part of him really enjoyed it's quality time with my ass.

Shit, why does this kinda shit happen to me? I feel so fucking bad. I told Ericka, and she says she doesn't blame me, but I think deep down, she does. It has to be hurting her, her most recent two boyfriends were into me, her brother is into me, all our online guy friends are into me. They say I have a pretty face, but Ericka is thinner than me, and has a great body, and she's cute. I don't get why they would prefer me over her.

Now that I look back, Jacob just used the words "I love you" to get what he wanted. Just like Ryan. Jacob was different though. He didn't use the words to get head. He used them to get a trophy. Sure, I never beleived he loved, loved me. I know we're friends, that's obvious. And part of me is glad it's over. I wonder though. Am I just a trophy to Austin too?

I suppose I should get used to it. There were only two boys that I dated that didn't want me just to have a hot girl hanging off their arm. Daniel and Jon. They were both so sweet... I can't beleive I dumped Jon for Ryan... Jon... Jon didn't care how I looked! He understood me, better than I understood myself. He was there for me, and me, him, Daniel, Brittney, Tristan, and others would all perform our Wiccan rituals together and share books. Jon loved me. Maybe not true love, but his love for me was pure. I let him go though, because my damned heart chose to do summersaults over Ryan instead of him. I couldn't have stayed with Jon forever though. I'd never be able to love him the way he loved me, I know that now.

These past few years, all I've done is act. I've worn a mask. For six months, I dropped the mask, and let down my walls, let Ryan in. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have done it. If I had known he only wanted sex, if I had known he would cheat on me, not once, but twice, if I had known that once again I'd be used, I never would have let myself feel.

My damned heart should have learned. After Michael, after Todd, after Daniel C, it should have fucking learned...

And it should have fucking learned after Ryan.

Damnit, it should have learned...

You can't take me...
Got to fight another fight - I gotta run another night
Get it out - check it out
I'm on my way and it don't feel right

I gotta get me back - I can't be beat and that's a fact
It's OK - I'll find a way
You ain't gonna take me down no way

Don't judge a thing until you know what's inside it
Don't push me - I'll fight it
Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no
If you can't catch a wave then you're never gonna ride it
You can't come uninvited
Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no
You can't take me I'm free

Why did it all go wrong? - I wanna know what's goin'on
And what's this holding me?
I'm not where I'm supposed to be

I gotta fight another fight
I gotta fight with all my might
I'm getting out, so check it out
Ya - you're in my way
So you better watch out


current mood: Hurt
current music: Bryan Adams- You Can't Take Me

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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
8:55 pm - Bite me -_-
Today, as always, was boring. Got report cards. I'm passing everything but gym. Wow. Big surprise, I'm making over 100 in Art, Language Arts, and Computers.

I have learned something though. When you're in love, other guys... even when there are plenty waiting... just aren't enough. Jacob, my boyfriend for example. I love him. But not like that. I'm not in love with him. And Jacob will never be him. Where he is hard and rough, Jacob is soft and gentle. Where he is cold and uncaring, Jacob is sensitive and moody. Where he is jealous and loving, Jacob is indifferent. I asked Jacob today if he loved me. He just kinda looked at me. He said "Yeah. Why are you asking?" and told me that I should know he loves me.

I got a note, delivered by Ericka, from her brother. Eddie is sweet, almost like him, yet not him. Eddie is amazing though. I wonder if I could ever love Eddie as much as I loved him? Something inside me says no.

You hear people talk about love, and how great it is, and how they will never forget it. It's all a bunch of bull shit. You'll swear you've never felt this way and will never feel this way again, but then, when you do feel like that again, you'll deny you ever felt like that in the first place.

I thought I loved Michael, despite his abuse. When I thought of Michael, I felt... warm, loved, but it still wasn't perfect. But with him? When I thought of him, I felted warm, complete, cherished, my body felt as though it was burning, I was addicted to his touch.

If I was truely honest with myself, I'd admit I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. I belong to him, nothing will ever change that. But it burns, deep inside, to see him every day. Every day I see his smiling face and I wish he was smiling like that for me.

Some people were meant to lead happy lives, everything handed to them. Others have to struggle and work hard, just to survive. Some of us feel violetly, while others show no emotion at all. It is a skill I thought I had perfected, I thought I had hardened myself beyond caring. But I've learned. When you care for someone, you get hurt. When I step back and look at myself, really look at myself, the way others see me, I hate what I see. A teen, trying to hold on to her past and her dreams, trying not to give a damn, and cold. A bitch. 13 years. 14 soon. And I havn't seen anything I've wanted to see. I've read about happiness, about love. I've seen people act. Love? Love is useless. All it brings is pain. It ripped my family apart, as well as many others. Love is something I've decided I'd rather live without.

Brittney cusses at me, telling me it isn't right not to feel. But when you show emotions, let yourself feel and love? You get burned. I feel broken, and it's going to take awhile to put myself back together. I still have my thoughts, my writing.

I watched a friend the other day. A friend fight a fight he knew he wouldn't win. He wanted to get beaten. He wanted to fall into that black hole. He reached his breaking point. Everyone has one. Including me. And every day, I get a little closer to it.

I live on the razors edge, almost literally. The slightest pressure, and you're cut. Tread to softly, you'll fall over the edge. Too hard, and you're ripped in half.

Every time I see his smile, I get closer to my breaking point. But I don't have the strength to turn away.

current mood: frustrated

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
8:10 pm - Too many guys!
Wah, I dunno who to choose! There's Travis... but then Jacob... or Lee.... but then Chris... or Eddie... or even Jimmy.... AND I DON'T KNOW WHO TO PICK.

Meh. Decisions, descisions...

current mood: loved
current music: Evanescence- "Going Under"

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1:07 am - Sleep
Ok. I'm going to bed. I mean it. I am going to sleep... -tries to go to her bed-

current mood: sleepy

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