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Tammi

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[09 Oct 2004|11:38pm]
I haven't talked to him in over a week. Haven't seen him in even longer. Haven't been with him in what feels like months. But no amount have time has lessened this gut wrentching pain. These memories of him are destroying me.
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[12 Mar 2004|11:35pm]
know what I've realized? My best friend is a girl I have never met from a state I have never even been near. I hope I can see her this summer
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[07 Mar 2004|08:49pm]
I feel so lazy, withdrawn. All I want to do is sleep and pass the time in a coma. But I have these fantasies where I'm alive and enjoying myself. I can't wait until it's summer, I know just what I want to do. Sometime when the sun is setting and the sky is pale pink, I want to be in the passenger seat, with the windows rolled down and the sunroof open, smoking weed, just watching everything go by, listening to Coldplay. I don't even like them, but it sounds like so much fun. *sigh*
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[23 Feb 2004|11:51pm]
I'm thinking about nothing but I know there's something. There's always something lately. I never say much to people anymore, but I have so much in my mind that wants to pour out. I've taken every thought and message I've conveyed and analyzed it and taken every situation and turned it around and inside out. I feel analytical and cynical and yet, slightly philosophical.

I'm thinking a lot about drama tonight. Not plays, but people. The drama people create with their own immature acts and words. So few people, in my opinion, truly understand what words can do. The smallest word out of place can make a person distrust you, can corrupt your whole story. It can break down a person's reputation and their stability, their emotional well being.

My ADD is off in another world. Hence the scatteredness of my paragraphs. I shall quit because I can't keep on one track
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[06 Jan 2004|12:29pm]
I'm in love with Damon. When he said I love you on Christmas Day, it was everything I had ever wanted.
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A lesson learned [11 Dec 2003|03:29pm]
If by some chance your bf is as at work and asks you to go to his house and up in his room and get his coat for him...don't go through his stuff. You may find things you had wanted to see but now wish you hadn't. For example:

Hidden photos of his dead ex girlfriend
An old suicide note from right after she died
Phone numbers of other girls (although dated)

But we must remind ourselves of yesterday when he said "if I could fall in love again, I would be in love with you right now"
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[09 Dec 2003|10:56pm]
...Here I am thinking she wants me...nu-uh...she only wants that killer on her CD...just when I think I couldn't feel any worse...Bitch asked me if I could paint my face first...the day I finally get to leave this land...behind the paint will be the shell of a used up man...

Things with Damon go up and down. God, I like him so much, but it just bugs the fuck outta me when he talks about Alexis. Like today in the car he's like wow, Fridays the 12. Alexis killed herself on the 12th and it was a Friday. Thanks Damon, thanks for reminding me that you're still in love with someone else...I was pretty bugged out all night cuz he wouldn't stop. So we're up in his room and he keeps asking me what is wrong and trying to get me to look into his eyes and tell him. Then he says we'll never work if I don't tell him what's on my mind and trust him. He says that he always tells me what he's thinking and I said really cold, oh I know you do. Then he layed on top of me and put his head down and said you're going to break up with me, I just know it. Then I grabbed his face and I finally looked him in the eyes and he looked so sad and disappointed, I coulda cried. I said I won't break up with you, I care about you too much Damon, you don't get that. I care about you a lot.

I think we'll be ok. I finally told him and he said he wouldn't talk about her anymore but I know he will and I want him too cuz its good for him, I just don't want it to be hard for me to listen to yano? errr, idk....I just like him so much and I get so frustrated. I want to wrap my arms around him and keep him. I want to make him my own, I want to have him. I want to leave him at my house and come home to him later. I want, I want, I want. I just want Damon to want me back
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[22 Nov 2003|11:15am]
I've been deathly miserable lately. The saddest girl that has ever lived. But today there feels a spark of hope, that I may once again become alive
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Just because [14 Nov 2003|11:09am]
I feel like I am going nowhere but that I want to die trying.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been years since I last went to confession because I am not a Catholic.

But you know my sins and you know what I am talking about.

Forgiveness for having ever loved someone more than I loved You, for having put someone else as number 1 in my life. But You know I have fixed that. I love him but I still love You the most and I don't pray for anything at night but to be closer to You. And being closer to You has made my life so much better. I feel like even if I wanted to, there is nothing to ask for since You make it all perfect for me.

You sent me a sign...

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine"

You know how it goes because You sent it to me. Everytime I hear that song, I know it's going to be just fine.
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[11 Nov 2003|12:49pm]
You called me at 1:30 to say you were sorry. This all gets so hard and you are still my best friend
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A quick question [29 Oct 2003|04:25pm]
Why do you get so mad at me, why do you not care about me? But yet, the mere mention of me with someone else, even as a joke, you get so angry? Why is it like that. You don't care but you get jealous. So can I presume that you really care, that you really feel, but you just don't admit it?

You were in my dreams again last night. And I let you read my story.
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[28 Oct 2003|09:38am]
I felt like you didn't want to hear what I had to say. I felt devestated. I didn't think raw feeling would be a true reason to get mad at someone. And yesterday at work you couldn't take your eyes off my pictures. And I was told your face betrayed your emotions before you had a chance to cover them all up again. There was blatant confusion mixed with hurt and love. You can look at me with love? I wonder if what I had to say opened your eyes at all. You stopped by to drop off my mom's cellphone and it was the first time I had seen you since Wednesday. You are always beautiful. And you talked to me a little, but you didn't stay for long. I was hoping you'd come back, but you didn't. I know we both had to feel something, standing there in the same small living room, but our faces were masks of our emotions. I hate when we do this. When we watch each other so carefully but the moment one of us looks at the other, we both look away. We can't bear to see ourselves watching each other. But now I think, everything is going to turn out all right.
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Practicing just what I want to tell you, if I ever get up my courage [24 Oct 2003|03:37pm]
So where can I begin? Do I recount 2 years of my life or shall I throw you in at the end and pray that you catch on? Should I go over every moment that impacted me, that I want to share with you. Or should I just tell you simple things and hope you catch onto the bigger picture?

It was strange when we first met. I remember looking at my mom and saying that you looked like everything I had ever wanted in a boy. So I was young and so I was stupid but some truths are self-evident.

And I never spent time with you because you were 18 and I was 15. I was scared because I was still so young. And I had so many problems at this time. I was a drug addict, I was an alcoholic. I was young, but I was already messing myself up. I would smoke until my lungs hurt and I would blow prescriptions until my nose went numb and my eyes teared up. I barely knew you and I admit, I forgot you.

So I was 15, and I fell in love. I know he was my first love, but that love is far different than anything I feel now. It was young, it was teenage. I cared about him of course, but what I really loved was what he represented. He was the parties and the drugs and the youth. He embodied high school and what I wanted out of it. He embodied who I was at the time and that was why I was with him. I was with him when they locked me up. That hospital trip was more than a drug problem. It came back to the drugs, of course. I disappeared that night and I came back eventually to where I was supposed to be, but I was messed up. I spent 2 days having a nervous breakdown. I got out of the hospital on Christmas Eve. And he came to see me, which is probably why he meant so much. Then we broke up and I had another breakdown. I dealt differently, I smoked away my problems. Then I picked myself up and carried on.

I quit doing drugs. I started going to church. I grew into a great relationship with God. I decided I wanted to grow up, I was ready for my future. I thought I was grown up, but that was very far from the truth. I was still a child. But illusion is everything.

I prayed to God that I wanted my future, I wanted a true love. I had a bf, and I thought he was my one. Nothing had ever been farther from the truth. I didn't realize that until I was sent "the dreams". You've never heard me make mention of the dreams. It was December and the first time I would break it off with my boyfriend.

I had several dreams, each of them like the one before. In them, you were there and we were in love. This undeniable attraction. It was strange, I hadn't though of you in a year. And there you were, in my dreams. I didn't understand it, but I wanted to find out.

I can't tell this story from your perspective. I don't know what your thoughts were. And I don't know what my mother might have ever said to you and what you thought. I will just tell you what I thought, how I felt, and what I observed.

So we became friends and that made me happy. I fell for you instantly. Talking to you always put a smile on my face. More than I could say for anyone else in my life. I remember being at VICA in the hotel room and talking to you on the phone for what? A half hour? And I remember you encouraging me to do my best. I adored you for it.

And I distinctly remember May 24th. Yes, right down to the date. Why? Because I wrote it down. I recorded it for posterity. Added it to my collection of dates, although most end up worthless in a year. Do you remember that day, do you remember what you said?

We talked on the phone for an hour. Over an hour. And I told you that I wanted us to go out and you said we would date. You would ask me on my birthday and I was so excited. And then we played a game of guess what secret you had to tell me. And I remember you finally telling me and me not believing it until you repeated it for me again. Remember what you had said? You told me that you loved me. I never forgot that. I know you weren't the first person to ever say it, but it meant the world to me to hear it come from your mouth.

And I was 16, and I was a child and you got mad and we stopped talking.

Then we were friends again and we hung out. We spent that day together before you went to Illinois. Remember that day? And I told you that I loved you and you said that you loved me too.

And you came back on my birthday. And we hung out and I thought things were great. But I'll be the first to admit it, I wasn't grown up yet. So another fight and more time without talking.

All this time, I'd been asking for signs from God. I asked him just if we would get into a relationship. And He told me yes, but not right away. Always yes, but not right away. And I didn't believe Him because I thought we were so close to one. But I was proved wrong, wasn't I?

And maybe then I realized something big about how I felt. And it wasn't like anything I ever felt before. It was something brilliantly different and so unlike my emotions. So I prayed hard for a sign. I asked God if you were the one. And I swear I've asked at least once a week since. And the Lord always said Yes. He told me to give it time, you would come back.

So I waited for what? Three months? And I got tired. I said to Him, why is he the one, yet I never see him? We never talk, I never run into him. And you know what happened? In two weeks, I saw you 3 times. The final time, at the mall, we talked. Didn't you find it strange that we never saw each other before, but now we saw each other frequently?

So God told me a million times that you are the one, and that we will wed. And He told me in a million different ways, with a million different signs. And I held them all close to my heart.

But given the right amount of time, I can still mess things up. I'm not perfect, I'm flawed. I'm working on who I am, but I'm nowhere near completion. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm trying, but things happen and I can't believe in who I am sometimes. Today, I couldn't shake a feeling. And I knew I had to talk to you. God gave me the OK to tell you how I feel. He said it was a good idea. So here's the point of my arduous story.

I'm perfectly in love with you. And not like I was in love when I was 15. I can imagine my future and it includes you. I can't think about you without thinking you are the one. The thoughts go hand in hand. And the idea of losing you scares me. I don't get hurt just because I know you like Beth. I get hurt because I'm afraid that I will lose you to her. That I will lose the future I want to have with you.

I wish there was something I could say to make you believe me. Some bit of proof in case you doubt my signs. Sometimes I pray that God will just scream it at you so that you can hear and believe like I do. I've grown up. I'm not a child with an obsession, or a teenager in heat. I'm a girl on the brink of adulthood who is very much in love. I'm a person who believes with all her heart and soul that she found the one.
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[14 Oct 2003|02:30pm]
I spent last night in the ER. How special am I? So I didn't go to school today. I called you, but I guess you were asleep because your cell just rang so I left a message. I get nervous on answering machines, I tend to forget there is a person on the other end. Sorry about that to every person I have ever left a message to. I'm tired, so I'm going now
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[13 Oct 2003|08:13am]
Sometimes I can't believe how young I am, but so anxious to start my life. Maybe that is why high school does not work for me. I can't keep up with the drama around me when all I want is an adult future. I'm glad it is senior year.

I saw who the other in girl in your life is. Sure, I feel threatened. But I watched her and she just seems like she isn't your type. Like you two couldn't last past a fling. Or maybe it's wishful dreaming. But she will mess up, and you don't love her so there won't be second and third chances. You know I am always here for you. That is just the way it is.

I know she can't mean much to you. You want to live with me and my mother, far away from here. That means giving her up. And you are so adament that we will live together. Call it wishful thinking, but I am dreaming that you love me and we will get married. But I know we will get married. How many times I've prayed and asked that question! Will he marry me someday? And how many times the Lord has said yes! I've asked so many questions regarding us, and I have always recieved the truth. I just have to be patient
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Not much has really happened lately [08 Oct 2003|12:52pm]
It was sweet when you came over to watch the game and then fell asleep on the couch. I thought you would be long gone when I woke up to go to school, but you were sound asleep. I got to wake you up and sit there with your head on my lap while we watched the news and made fun of the people. I was so afraid after we talked about stopping that physical contact, that things were going to be different. But they were the same, you still hugged me and held my hand and then layed across my lap as always. Yeah, I still love you
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Tonight and everynight after that [05 Oct 2003|12:29am]
I love you completely. And I loved feeling you inside of my mouth and knowing you breathed like that because of me. And I do love to touch you, but on the phone tonight when we discussed how this has to stop, it didn't hurt me. Because I know you will still come over and you are still my best friend and I still love you. Come hell or high water I love you. I would go to the ends of the earth, move heaven and hell to make you smile. I stayed up just to see if the Red Sox would win so I could call you at work and tell you. I love you and there's no other way to put it. What you want is what I want. So it is alright with me if we are just friends. I take this one day at a time and I never forget to pray. The Lord shall provide for us both and He knows you have my heart. I trust in you both without question. And I asked for a sign and you hand delivered me that sign without realizing it. The answer Yes to the question if one day we will wed. And I can picture seeing your face when I walk down the aisle. I live for today. I hold on to the moments of yesterday that were good because they get my through the bad times, but I try not to think about tomorrow. But everynight I pray that tomorrow is good and you make it good because you are my heart and soul. I hold onto my sign and what I am told every time I ask for the truth. It is always the same answer. You are my destiny, I just need to give it time. I am told that and I will do that. Here is all the time you need baby
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[03 Oct 2003|10:04pm]
I can't help but watch you sometimes. I look at how small you are, how little your hands are and I think about how large my heart is and how you hold it in those two, small hands. I think of a lot of things actually. I think of what you are thinking about when we kiss. And when your face is flushed with passion and it pains you but you pull away before it becomes too much. I close my eyes to picture the way the sillhuete of your face looked without your glasses. The slope of your forehead, the bump on the bridge of your nose. I have never known anyone like you. Anyone so much like myself that I can tell your thoughts by looking in your eyes because I feel like I am looking back at my own soul, my own heart. A million things I am thinking and thoughts that I have. But I don't share them with you because I bite my tongue lest I lose you again, this time for good. I love you too much to endure that pain again
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