|Practicing just what I want to tell you, if I ever get up my courage
||[24 Oct 2003|03:37pm]
So where can I begin? Do I recount 2 years of my life or shall I throw you in at the end and pray that you catch on? Should I go over every moment that impacted me, that I want to share with you. Or should I just tell you simple things and hope you catch onto the bigger picture?
It was strange when we first met. I remember looking at my mom and saying that you looked like everything I had ever wanted in a boy. So I was young and so I was stupid but some truths are self-evident.
And I never spent time with you because you were 18 and I was 15. I was scared because I was still so young. And I had so many problems at this time. I was a drug addict, I was an alcoholic. I was young, but I was already messing myself up. I would smoke until my lungs hurt and I would blow prescriptions until my nose went numb and my eyes teared up. I barely knew you and I admit, I forgot you.
So I was 15, and I fell in love. I know he was my first love, but that love is far different than anything I feel now. It was young, it was teenage. I cared about him of course, but what I really loved was what he represented. He was the parties and the drugs and the youth. He embodied high school and what I wanted out of it. He embodied who I was at the time and that was why I was with him. I was with him when they locked me up. That hospital trip was more than a drug problem. It came back to the drugs, of course. I disappeared that night and I came back eventually to where I was supposed to be, but I was messed up. I spent 2 days having a nervous breakdown. I got out of the hospital on Christmas Eve. And he came to see me, which is probably why he meant so much. Then we broke up and I had another breakdown. I dealt differently, I smoked away my problems. Then I picked myself up and carried on.
I quit doing drugs. I started going to church. I grew into a great relationship with God. I decided I wanted to grow up, I was ready for my future. I thought I was grown up, but that was very far from the truth. I was still a child. But illusion is everything.
I prayed to God that I wanted my future, I wanted a true love. I had a bf, and I thought he was my one. Nothing had ever been farther from the truth. I didn't realize that until I was sent "the dreams". You've never heard me make mention of the dreams. It was December and the first time I would break it off with my boyfriend.
I had several dreams, each of them like the one before. In them, you were there and we were in love. This undeniable attraction. It was strange, I hadn't though of you in a year. And there you were, in my dreams. I didn't understand it, but I wanted to find out.
I can't tell this story from your perspective. I don't know what your thoughts were. And I don't know what my mother might have ever said to you and what you thought. I will just tell you what I thought, how I felt, and what I observed.
So we became friends and that made me happy. I fell for you instantly. Talking to you always put a smile on my face. More than I could say for anyone else in my life. I remember being at VICA in the hotel room and talking to you on the phone for what? A half hour? And I remember you encouraging me to do my best. I adored you for it.
And I distinctly remember May 24th. Yes, right down to the date. Why? Because I wrote it down. I recorded it for posterity. Added it to my collection of dates, although most end up worthless in a year. Do you remember that day, do you remember what you said?
We talked on the phone for an hour. Over an hour. And I told you that I wanted us to go out and you said we would date. You would ask me on my birthday and I was so excited. And then we played a game of guess what secret you had to tell me. And I remember you finally telling me and me not believing it until you repeated it for me again. Remember what you had said? You told me that you loved me. I never forgot that. I know you weren't the first person to ever say it, but it meant the world to me to hear it come from your mouth.
And I was 16, and I was a child and you got mad and we stopped talking.
Then we were friends again and we hung out. We spent that day together before you went to Illinois. Remember that day? And I told you that I loved you and you said that you loved me too.
And you came back on my birthday. And we hung out and I thought things were great. But I'll be the first to admit it, I wasn't grown up yet. So another fight and more time without talking.
All this time, I'd been asking for signs from God. I asked him just if we would get into a relationship. And He told me yes, but not right away. Always yes, but not right away. And I didn't believe Him because I thought we were so close to one. But I was proved wrong, wasn't I?
And maybe then I realized something big about how I felt. And it wasn't like anything I ever felt before. It was something brilliantly different and so unlike my emotions. So I prayed hard for a sign. I asked God if you were the one. And I swear I've asked at least once a week since. And the Lord always said Yes. He told me to give it time, you would come back.
So I waited for what? Three months? And I got tired. I said to Him, why is he the one, yet I never see him? We never talk, I never run into him. And you know what happened? In two weeks, I saw you 3 times. The final time, at the mall, we talked. Didn't you find it strange that we never saw each other before, but now we saw each other frequently?
So God told me a million times that you are the one, and that we will wed. And He told me in a million different ways, with a million different signs. And I held them all close to my heart.
But given the right amount of time, I can still mess things up. I'm not perfect, I'm flawed. I'm working on who I am, but I'm nowhere near completion. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm trying, but things happen and I can't believe in who I am sometimes. Today, I couldn't shake a feeling. And I knew I had to talk to you. God gave me the OK to tell you how I feel. He said it was a good idea. So here's the point of my arduous story.
I'm perfectly in love with you. And not like I was in love when I was 15. I can imagine my future and it includes you. I can't think about you without thinking you are the one. The thoughts go hand in hand. And the idea of losing you scares me. I don't get hurt just because I know you like Beth. I get hurt because I'm afraid that I will lose you to her. That I will lose the future I want to have with you.
I wish there was something I could say to make you believe me. Some bit of proof in case you doubt my signs. Sometimes I pray that God will just scream it at you so that you can hear and believe like I do. I've grown up. I'm not a child with an obsession, or a teenager in heat. I'm a girl on the brink of adulthood who is very much in love. I'm a person who believes with all her heart and soul that she found the one.