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12th August 2003

1:27pm: Alone
I'm bored, frustrated, angry...
Mum's at work, dad and jen are DIY shopping, and have been for hours. I'm alone.
Jennifer rang, said we were going to the park this aft. I don't think i can face it, but I have to force myself to. Its so hard. I thought we were going swimming this afternoon instead. I need the exercise. Hopefully I can go this evening.
I'm supposed to be thinking through next year, whats gonna happen on thursday etc. but I can't be bothered, it hurts too much.
Claire rang too, lots of awkward silences, and she's ignored my text messages. Never mind.
I can't be bothered anymore. It seems so hard to fight all the time. Why do I have to fight for her aswell?
Its lunchtime, I'm not hungry, and feeling too fat, will probably just skip it. Unless I can face a piece of fruit.

11th August 2003

9:40pm: Arguments
Claire and I fell out again today, it seems to be happening so much more frequently. Its so hard. She had trouble after dinner again, and I got cross at her. I know I shouldn't have done but I've been trying so so hard. And it hurts to see her so unhappy. I don't know what I can do to help.
I try not to hurt her but all I want to do is yell and scream and make her be better. Not that yelling and screaming would acheive that.
I haven't cut in nearly ten weeks, and haven't purged in nearly seven, so I guess its just starting to show.
I don't know what to do next month, let alone for the next whole year. Being at home for another year would surely kill me, but I don't think I can go away yet. I really don't feel ready. I have no idea what's supposed to happen.
I want to stay with Claire, be there for her, but I also feel that these arguments are telling us something, maybe we're spending too much time together. Am I not helping anymore?
I feel like the easiest option would just be not to be here at all anymore.
Why is it so hard?
Why does it have to hurt so much?
Someone tell me what to do.
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