so stop pretending's Blurty|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in
so stop pretending's Blurty:
|Monday, March 1st, 2004|
my hate is fueled by your ignorance
Current Mood: infuriated
Current Music: linkin park
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
how can any one tell the truth from a lie. at first it seems like one thing. then something happens that makes you consider the opposite but your first thought seems more probable. and the second thought is more desired. so what the fuck do you do except ride it out?
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
whore...u put the knife in my back...and you twisted it...and now you're dead to me...so let me be...whore
Current Mood: none
Current Music: nickelback-believe it or not
|Sunday, January 18th, 2004|
ive deleted my buddy list. im sorry. no scratch that im not. if you want to talk to me go ahead. i'd love the conversation. but i dont want to be chasing after people. not anymore. for once i'd like to see who i.m's me. i'd like to see who cares enough to start a conversation with me. do any of u understand what it's like to inicciate every conversation. every time i hang out with some one its because i set it up. wether its mike, jim, nance,eileen, adriana, becky, dan, colin s.,colin w.,mike b., frank, aaron, saim, or any one else. think im wrong? think im overreacting? think hard. when was the last time U called me. when was the last time U IM'd me first. ya see all of you have the same expression. if you have to think really hard its too long. you're all thinking wow that was a while ago or worse yet u can't remember. so please IM me. make me feel wanted. cause so far you've pretty much not.
please prove me wrong.
Current Mood: alone
Current Music: P.O.D
|Sunday, January 4th, 2004|
something ive noticed is that nobody questions why i want to be closer to sean. but everybody quuestioned why i wanted to be friends with emily. this is simply because Sean dispite his faults and insecurities is still a good man. emily is pure evil. im not being funny i'm serious. so why did i so desperately not want to give up emily. jealousy. thats what it was. pure jealousy of sean. it started off small enough. "i wish i could beat sean in video games" stupid things like that. then it grew. i don't know how i let it get so out of control, but i did. i'm ashamed of myself. that i wasnt confident enough in myself. that i single handedly destroyed our friendship over it. i blinded myself with disire to be better than him. and i hurt him. i hurt possibly one of the best friends ive ever had because of jealousy. he was absolutly 100% rite about her.everything he said was true and with the best possible intentions of helping me and i turned my back selfishly. stupidly. i put my faith in the possibility that emily could change. but for that to happen she needs to want to and that will never happen. she enjoys playing with people. and i chose scum like her over sean. i wish now that i'd shown better judgement then. because now over my jealousy i relize what i almost lost and still am close to. i did stupid things. said ever stupider things and its not emily's fault or sean's. im taking responsibility for my actions. i understand what i did. im honestly, truely sorry for it. this whole thing has tought me something though, a new kind of something i treasured over all else. a new kind of loyalty. the one thing i preached about most and i did it wrong. i showed loyalty to every one instead of the rite people. in my stupidity i there were few positives but realising my faults is one of them. the others are finding out emily's true persona and dave shwing his true colors. i suppose that is kind of unfortunate. that i was rite about dave. secretly i always hoped i was wrong but that just wasnt the case. i once told sean i saw some things of dave in myself and that it scared me. it scared me cause every point i hate about myself was what i found in dave. but i digress, back to what i was saying about sean. he is a good man and deserves more trust and loyalty and honesty than i gave him. i'd like to end this with remembering what i consider to be the best day of my life. it was a simple one. noting to complex or spectacular happened but it was the day me mike and sean were sitting infront of the tv watching sean beat panza dragoon orta. just because it embodies the simplicity of old times. everything was just good and flowing. and when i look back on days like that i relize really what i betrayed.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: rob zombie/three days grace
|Thursday, January 1st, 2004|
what's keeping me here... thats wat i thought
hey its been a while since i posted. im kinda sick of live journal. i think i mite make blurty my permanent home. so whats new with me? not much. some dude threatened to kill me again. people blow. its like every few months some one new who chances are ive never met wants to end my life. go right ahead you pussy. i got nothin keepin me here. i promise ill put up a good fight. come on. i need to fuckin crack some skulls.
on a lighter note vacation [other thn the threat on my life] has been quite nice. i hung out with mike sunday. elise on monday. nance on tuesday jim today. and tommorrow im hanging out with becky, adriana, and eileen. should be fun. goin to see a movie. so its about two a.m now. i probably wont go to sleep for a few more hours
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: alice in chains
|Saturday, December 6th, 2003|
why are the only people who suffer the good ones?
i dont understand what happened. any one who read my live journal would know that i had a great day then at about 10:06 i read the most horrible thing ive ever read. my friend's little brother died. he was between one and two years old. i just dont believe something like this could happen. how could this happen? i remember when he was born she was so excited. she used to stab me with pens in tech class. i never expected this to happen. my God why do this to her? i mean she had a sonagram picture of the baby on her assignment pad in eighth grade. i saw the baby for the first and last time this summer. she had him type me a little message on her computer while he sat in her lap no more then a week ago. her mother is pregnant and expecting to have a another baby boy tommorrow. i just dont understand how this could happen.
|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
God n' stuff
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: why do u say that?
Metalhead933: idk just thought it was creepy
Metalhead933: u read any more me story?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: no not rly sry... but i want to get back to this "creepy" thing
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: do u kno wut it's about?
Metalhead933: not really no
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: have u ever heard of revelation?
Metalhead933: isnt that the book about the apocolipse?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: it's the last book in the bible, where jesus is suppose to come bak for the second time and take up all the believers to heaven
Metalhead933: yea and wat happens to every one else?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and this person (in the story on my profile) was probably one of those ppl who heard the word and never excepted it
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: they have to stay on the earth for the next seven years where there will be turmoil and natural disasters
Metalhead933: wat happens after 7 years?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: the anti christ will come and make a "false peace"
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: he will tell everyone he is god and persectute the christians (the ones who are now realizing the truth)
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: that's during the seven yrs still
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: then after those seven years of desrtuction jesus will come down and destroy the anit christ (also known as satan) and bring up all the ppl who chosed to believe during the 7 seven years and the rest will be destroyed along with the devil
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: jesus will then destroy the earth, create a new one and rule on it
Metalhead933: now ive got a hypothetical for ya
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and it will be perfect like heaven
Metalhead933: say some one relizes that hey the bible says after seven years the devil pretends to be God. and they dont get fooled by the antichrist and they escape persecution?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: escape persecusion during the anit christ's rule tiem u mean?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: well see the anti christ is the devil so most likely u will not escape his wrath but there will be ways the new foudn believers will try and help eachother
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: but it's amazing all the horrors that will happen during the seven years
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and all the terrible things the anti christ will do to the christians
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: like ther will be this thing called the sign of the beast. everyone must get it in order to get food and such but the christians must not take it b/c it's evil and that means that the devil has marked u with his sign
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: which is also known as 666
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: but if they dont' take it they will go through torturous things b/c they are standing up for their lord
Metalhead933: see wat i mean...creepy
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: see God has given us so much time to except him and one day he's just goin to say "that's enough" and we can no longer wait. it says like he will come like a thief in the night and take us up, no one knows when he will, and we must be ready and expect him... it could be tomorrow
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: sure it's creepy... for the ppl who aren't sure if they are being taken up or not
Metalhead933: ::raises hand::
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: i have full faith in christ so even if i was taken up in the next few seconds i would not be afriad
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: go ahead
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: u raised ur hand, ask ur question
Metalhead933: ::raises hand:: like im afraid
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: awww well now is the time to figure out if u really believe in christ or not, b/c the time could be any time
Metalhead933: i see
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and hearing this i'm not afraid for myself but for my friends who don't believe or are unsure, like u. i care about all of you so much sometimes i cry myself to sleep thinkin,if i wke up the next morning in heaven will you be there
Metalhead933: its just like my hart says he exists but my brain says no.
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: i kno wut u mean, but my mom was just telling me it gets dangerous when u start questioning God like that
Metalhead933: its true
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: it's like ... being a child really. ur trying to figure out something so much, like why you can't fly, and b/c ur so small u get frustrated, but u dont' relize that God knows all,m he is our father who has gone through so much more than us
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: who are we to question the almighty when we only use about half of our brain?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: we don't kno all and we havent' experienced all like our parents so who are we to say we know better
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: that's where faith comes in
Metalhead933: yet the fight between faith and science rages in my head
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: well the question is are you goin to trust science, whcih once said it was impossible to fly, or the Lord God who loves you more than anything and as it says in the bible "only has plans to prosper you and not to harm you"
Metalhead933: believe me i want to believe in God. i try so much and some times i really believe it and other times im realling questioning it
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: yea i know wut u mean, the world has trained us to base our trust on the more we see and hear the more it's real, it's one of the devil's ways of leading us astray
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: wut exactly are you questioning
Metalhead933: its like i know that if there is a God that it is Jesus. but then there is the use of the word if
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: wut do u mean?
Metalhead933: i dont know that there is a God at all
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and if there was one wut would convince u that there was?
Metalhead933: i dont know. some kind of proof not provided by man
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: so if a person say... healed a person of canser right in front of ur face and said he was God u would believe him?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: well that's practically wut jesus did thousands of years ago
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and peopel still didn't believe him! lol
Metalhead933: but how am i suppossed to believe the word of the bible when it was created by man who is fallible
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: how are you suppose to believe it with our own eyes when ppl still didn't believe him back then?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: we have to have faith that it happened. jesus was God's last chance on the world
Metalhead933: and somehow i know that the seven year period is wat it would take for me to truely believe
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: he gave the egyptians moses and all those miracles, he gave them other miracles by others and even adam and eve he approached just as himself
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: so ur willing to go through all that?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: all that pain?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: when u can just believe and he will except u?
Metalhead933: not willing. but i know me. and im thick.
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: lol and GOd knows you, he knows everything about you... now he just wants you to get to know him a little and give a little trust
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: ppl wonder why he just doesn't coem down and proclaim he is God himself but as he says in teh bible he is too awesome that one look at him and you would die
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: since adam and eve sinned God had to be seperated from them for he cannot be with sin
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and so he is seperated from us
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: until we believe in him and his son
Metalhead933: and that is wat im trying to do
Metalhead933: by having that fight in my head. until there is a winner
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: ...and what if that time never comes
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: ... i'd know i'd cry so much... and always have that guilt that i just couldn't help
Metalhead933: i have to just believe that it will.
Metalhead933: help wat?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: give you some miracle to help you believe..
Metalhead933: u do help
Metalhead933: these convo's help
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: :-)... i'm glad and i will be so happy to talk about this any time u do and answer quetions u have the best i can
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: i kno u haven't had the best past with girls but this is one who isn't going away
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: do u have any other questions
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: lol take ur time
Metalhead933: u know who ive always felt a strong connection to in the bible?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: and why is that?
Metalhead933: i could always just relate to him
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: lol can't be more spesific? like any certain points or events?
Metalhead933: last supper
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: ... go on
Metalhead933: he denied God three times
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: so ur saying the likeness in wanting to believe but not wanting to admit it?
Metalhead933: kind of. but i think if i were an apostle i would have cought on a lil faster. but even then Peter was always the first to understand
Metalhead933: to understand God
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: lol yea i see your point
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: u mean to understand jesus?
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: no that they're the same person but u know wut i mean
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: *not that their not the same person
Metalhead933: yea. its like everytime i hear a story about peter i think thats wat i would have done
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: sry i really cna't type
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: lol yea but in the end he knows the truth and becomes a witness for jesus
Metalhead933: and dies for him in an almost = groosome way
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: o yea u can't forget that either
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: it's amazing wut lengths they went for God, and it gives me strenth
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: like if they could do it, why can't i just even stand up for my beliefs in class, whcih i've been mroe able to do recently
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: well i g2g for now but i'll talk to ya lata
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt: ttyl, and i'll be sure to read more of ur story real soon
Metalhead933: lol nite
ImCmplc8dGtOvrIt signed off at 6:33 PM
|Sunday, November 23rd, 2003|
i hate everything. the thought of doing something is almost as irritating as the thought of doing nothing. what the fuck does that mean. i have no fucking clue but the fact that im answering my own questions leads me to believe im insane. my head hurts. my toe hurts. im having surgery on january second cause of my fucking toe. anytime it touches something it feels like some one crushed it with a hammer.
Current Music: system of a down
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2003|
and the wheele begins to turn
I once was a boy filled with emotion, filled with joy, and the happy kind of ignorence that refuses to see evil in the world. I dont know when i lost that. but i know its gone. leaving a small amount of gullibility, but even that is shrinking into nothingness. believe me its leaving. im becoming paranoid. questioning all people and there motives[save for the people mentioned in the previous entry]. the only emotions that freakwent my psyche are anger, lonelyness, and confusion. Always i am brought back to confusion. about who my friends are, who my enemies are, and whitch of the two i am. that kind of confusion is what brings the lonelyness. its a feeling of complete solidarity. its almost like the end of the world and im the only one left alive. anger while it can be linked to the other two can and is set off by anything. i stupid comment, racism, sexism, intolerance of any form, amongst other things. most of all anger is trigered by the one girl i ever truely cared for. she did nothing to deserve my care and certainly nothing to keep it. she lied to me. she betrayed me. she made me believe she cared. the loss of her has brought a loss in trust of all women; save for Holly and Nancy; its hard for me to trust women and i know that shouldnt be. i know its wrong, but i can't help it. i need a new beginning. i want to leave this town. i dont want to labled as rich or even well off. i dont need 90% of wats in my house. honestly i come from a town where we would get a notice home once a week on a rapist in the area or houses being robbed less then a block away from my house. i come from a town where the older kids would pick on me for being white. but the thing is i was so loved in my own grade that every person in my grade would back me up. i mean black, white, asian, spanish, male, female ect. they all had my back. now i look at this town. an excess of assholes with to many privleges who think who the hell they are and im disgusted. i look at my friends in conneticut from camp and they're loyal too. sure here i have a handful of loyal friends which i am more than greatful for. but the attitudes are different. i prefer people with less because they are more real. some people believe that all i want is attention. i think if they knew; truely knew me; they wouldnt think that. all i want is for people to understand me. so after all the racism ive had to deal with, all the relationship issues ive had to deal with and all my self doubt difficulties i dont know what happened to that young gullible little boy who saw only sunshine. but i know i'll never see him again and i think thats kind of sad.
i just want to say how much i miss lindsey. i dont think i say it a lot because its kind of wierd not knowing if she's ok and its scary.
Current Music: coldplay
if your name is not jewsus, the nance, holly, or aaron it means your in the wrong place so please get the fuck out.
thats all i have to say...
Current Music: coldplay