.make this last forever.'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
.make this last forever.

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"hip to the b-e-a-u-t-y do do do do i am body beautiful" [17 Feb 2005|09:04pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

updateness... ordered my prom dress :) its awesome n green n i love it. valentines day started off bad :(. i gave aj a lil stitch in school that held a heart that says 'u will love me' n u press its arm n it blushes. after music he didnt give me a kiss gbye so i texted him sayin he ruined my day, which he did. then durin science i was just sittin there lookin at the floor n i heard some1 said im gonna interrupt for a sec. n i looked up n saw aj holdin 6 carnations n he came over n said he was sry n i gave him a kiss, n my whole class started appluadin him ah so embarassin but so sweeet. then he left n every1 was like omg that was soo cute blah blah blah lol. major pts. for aj, that made up for everythin n more :). he came over after school , he gave my mommy 1 of my carnations lol. i gave him the rest of his present, 2 bags of sweet hearts, 2 heart cookies n his fav. sprinkles from work, a letter, n a bigger soft stitch with a white tshirt that i ironed on i love you on. :). we went to applebees, which was fun, our waiter was chill n "british" lol. then i was tellin him to get me a hamster instead of the necklace that he "owes me" n hes like ok lets go lol. so we went to petco n there were only 2 hamsters an evil 1 with red eyes n a fat dwarf then the lady said the dwarf just had babies!, so i got a free baby hamster named scruffy, cuz he looks scruffy lol. aj got a house gecko for him n his brother named elizabeth sage heh. fun nite i wuv him :). best 1st real valentine's day ever.
thats bout all my speshial events so far, sat. im goin to nyc for trishys bday with v nanc ashley n trishes like whole family lol, not reli. we r gonna walk around ny for the day then at nite we r gonna eat at lips, a drag queen restaurant hahha im soo excited drag queens rock lol. then next week is taste of chaos with ajax woot woot. n thats bout it...i need money... bye

*let me know you are the one*.

we were made for each other [06 Feb 2005|03:58pm]
[ mood | determined ]

just wen i thought things couldnt get ne worse or ne better. aj suprised me n everythings ok now :) never been happier...i dont kno wat id do without him, i hope he knos how special he is to me n how important he is in my life. i love him soooooooooooooooooo much<33

thats bout it...

*let me know you are the one*.

as each day goes by with out by my side, another piece of wats left my heart breaks [03 Feb 2005|11:04pm]
[ mood | broken ]

another while since i last updated..got accepted to william paterson n friggin everday i get a new letter from them sayin welcome to our school, annoyance. mom finally thinks i should go to brookdale 1st but for some financial reason that i dont get but o well. yea everythins been goin ok...until tuesday...i made a huge mistake thinkin it would help us. but it just ruined everythin n i cant take it but hes kinda makin me suffer which i guess i deserve.i cant deal with this, i cant look at him without wantin to cry or hug him. n i kno he cant even look at me in general. i ruined everythin i had n no matter wat it will never change even if we got back together it wouldnt be the same. he was my everythin n now im left with nothin n i wanna just stab myself to death b.c i ruined the most wonderful relationship i will ever have n that was the last thing i wanted to do. nothin will ever be the same again, i will never be happy havin him as my friend, i just wish i could wake up from this nightmare but b/c of me its permanent n i hate myself more than nethin. how could i have ever done this, i lost everythin that kept me happy, he was the only thing keepin me alive n without him i might as well be dead. ill never be able to feel the way i did wen he would hug me or hold my hand n esp. kiss, i ruined it all n it will never be the same no matter wat n he will never take me bak b.c im a horrible person who ruined a strong 10months + for no good reason. i just wanna close my eyes n never wake up so i dont have to feel this pain nemore. b/c it will never go away, everytime i see him or hear him or think of him the pain will just continue to increase until it finally does kill me. i can honestly say that i wish i would die b.c i dont deserve to live after doin this. i just cant get over how stupid i was. U RUINED EVERYTHIN GILL!!!!! u lost it all n ull never be able to find it again.

i hate u gillian i fukin hate u n i wish u would just die

day 3 of another sleepless n tearstained night

ull never be happy again

- just look at the bg picture. we were so perfect our love was so special n so rare, n it took me forever to find it, n i just threw it all away, for wat? ill never be able to forgive myself.

*let me know you are the one*.

its been awhile [23 Jan 2005|03:53pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

havent updated in a few months nothin speshials happened reli. its a new year yippity do, heard from kean n brookdale (obviously lol) rejected by ramapo, still waitin for the other rejections lol. busy with work n prom shit. hotel is set, almost, limos set( stretch hummer, 7 flat screen tvs, 4 bars-> hot shit), lookin for dresses n shizzle.

"r u the meat in a retard sandwich?"
-"yea n u can bite me"

humorus

snow sucks cuz i cant c aj :(, but maybe there wont be school. tom. im suppose to go look at dresses with trish. cant c aj cuz hes a bitch n told journeys he can work EVERYDAY but friday (band practice day) so now our mondays n tusedays r gone...bitch...but maybe thatll change in a few weeks wen he goes to the $ store.

i hate school, want it to be over alredi, but i dont wanna go away to college unless 1 of my friends r goin too, im prob. gonna end up goin to brookdale. bein codependent sucks , ima wimp.

*let me know you are the one*.

i love u aj [08 Nov 2004|05:17pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

havent updated in a while, nothin speshial has reli happened lately. been busy with school, college crap, seein colleges, workin, drivin, n seein my lovely aj :)...thats aboot it

*let me know you are the one*.

my boyfriends sexy n u cant have him!!! :) [04 Oct 2004|08:40pm]
[ mood | tired ]

boredness...

um lifes kosh...yesterday mom pop aj n mi went to montclair university....sadgjshdgj its sooo nice. we wasted the trip with this werid german lady but we r gonna go bak n shit this month prob. my dad FINALLY let me drive somewhere besides work, me n aj got to go to wendys yesterdat without my faggy mom in the car. weeee. today i was allowed to pick him up from school n then go to the mall for a bit. hah we were behjind harrigan n kept honkin at him lol. got 2 new gonzos to add to the collection :) i saw our possible halloween costumes. i want the graveyard faiey :( the devil is gross lol. tom. me v jay nanc n aj r gonna go bak n decide wat to do. coolness. i drove aj home too, i felt so grown up n special drivin without an annoyin parent in the passenger seat :) yippy. yeaaa thats bout it ...bye

*let me know you are the one*.

gillay's 17teen [27 Sep 2004|02:52pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | tv ]

havent updated in a long time.schools been gay as usual. started work, which has been fun minus all those damn ppl of mine lol. sat. i got my haircut, got some "emoish" bangs then i went to brooklyn, grandma gave me this pretty turquiose n silver bracelet, n my aunt n uncle n cuzin got my a necklace that isnt me, a cool skirt n a $50 gift card to where ever. on the way home, my parents dropped me off at ajs <3 yay 1/2 a year. it waws fun although it was only like an 1 n a 1/2 of alone time.
then sun. was my birfday. got sims 2 from mommy, yay.went to the mall with mom, got a chi hair straightener, a sexy boy belt, n a green hat. aj got dropped off at 230ish. :) he got me a hot ass green studded belt n a awesome mp3 layer yay. v jay n trish came at 7ish, we went to moores. fun. the waiter was a dick so jay wrote him a note n we gave him like a 40 cent tip lol, then he started chasin us out of the restaurant, dickweed. drama, then it was all better. we decided to go to friendlys, had ice cream, n sherbret. went all out on the claw machine, i got a retarted woody wood pecker , a pretty bear, n a cute "possum" that had a werid belly lthat we demolished lol. fun stuff. trishy gave me money n a scary card lol, v got me 2 car fresheeners, a stewie wristband, a cd, n or 05. awesome. my friends r fun! hah n my brother gave me a $100 gift card to fye ..damn lol
today "bill" came at 7, i was with steph from school. we practiced on n off for an hour then i drove to eatontown. we got stuck with trina the scary mulleted lesvbian lol. but we both passed yayyY!. but i cant get my liscense cuz the social secruity site isnt workin, so imma try to go back later cuz i wanna drive around without an annoyin adult!. ajax is herre now so we r gonna have a party. bye

*let me know you are the one*.

im a loser, at least i can admit that [10 Sep 2004|10:13pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | greatest fall(of all time)- matchbook ]

bah i hate goin to school. it isnt as bad as it used to be, except for like 3 sucky classes. i feel like im doin good so far, like doin all my work even though its only like the 2nd week of school. im even doin my spanish shit, n i refuse to stay in that class all year. my mom left my guidance consuler a msg, n she called wen we were out n told my dad that i cant drop ne classes. stupid bitch my mom called durin the summer to drop spanish for me n the summer guidance consuler said it wasnt on my schedule so i refuse to take it ne long, 4 or 5 more days top. GAH. i finally got my SEXY ASS skateboard from the lovely aj :). drool its so hot i dont wanna ruin it but i have to heh.i shall finally be learnin dashboard in guits.radical.

update-->
15 days till 6 months<333
16 days till MY BIRFDAY!!!!!
**17 days till my license!!!!!!!!!!** sweeeet

ive been drivin a lot more recently, which is good cuz im scared imma fail just b/c thats how things work out in the life of gill. fukin bored :(.

tom. veronicas block partay!! hah sweet, but since we dont have a spare $100 we cannot participate in ne activites, :( no whipped cream n puddin pie contest/ fight :) ahh the best ever. mwhahaha

sunday- sugarcult at 6 flags? possible

gilli needs a more active life. things will majorly change in 17days :-D

GGraceful
IInnocent
LLovable
LLazy
IInspirational
AAwkward
NNerdy

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

^its funny how they r random words, but describe me perfectly hah.

i love aage-bah
*let me know you are the one*.

me love u long time [04 Sep 2004|12:25am]
[ mood | chipper ]

IIIIIIIIIII LLLLLOOOVVVEEE AJJJJ!!!

newho, summer has come to an end :(. n i am now officially a senior, fancy that hah. my classes r ok.
i gots-->
1st-gym
2nd-english(with my jet jet li! lol)
3rd- spanish (have to wait till the 20th to drop it, not cool cuz i wasnt suppose to have it n im screwed!)
4-5- music theory(gayest class but im with the jacin n my lovely aj!!)
6-7- earth science
8- lunch (with like every1 but aj n nanc n trazzle)
9-10- computer graphics/photography(auerbach is the shit n im with jet jet li again! hah)
11- independent livin(with kristin, n we get to c a live tapin of either MONTEL or MAURY *pees self* thats heaven for me lol)

n that is my last schedule forever in manalapan high school *tear*. im so pissed bout the spanish shit, n plus my teacher is soooooooooooooo much worse than stelzner from last year, so only talks spanish in class n im surrounded by all these s&e juniors n i dont understand 1 word she says, n im stuck till the 20th, n i cant even switch to a different class i have to take study hall. but hopefully aj will be able to drop lab bio, which he alredi had, so strange lol, n then i can have 2 periods with him :) yay.

sleepy time

!countdown!-->
21 days till 6months!!!<3
22 days till my birfday :-D
...23 days till my license woot woot!!

1*told me they are* - *let me know you are the one*.

now i realize all those 'i love yous' from u were nothin but lies [28 Aug 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | promise- matchbook romance ]

this whole week seemed perfectly fine to me.

the day started off great, went to nyc with amanda,nancy,veronica, jay n aj. we were havin fun. at least i thought we were. durin dinner in planet hollywood, he started bein nasty. brought up somethin he promised he wouldnt tell ne1. then i dont kno wat happened. the followin 2 hours in ny were miserable.
we got on the bus at about 8. he sat alone infront of me n every1 else sat behind me. for like 20mins. i sat there thinkin if i should try to make things better. so i tried, for about a half hour. jay asked y he was so mad he responded with "b/c i have a stupid girlfriend." then after a few more trys he ended it with. "u n me, we r done".
the rest of the way home i sat there cryin to myself like always, but after ahile the tears refused to come out, n i wanted to cry so hard. we walked back to nancys house. i sat on the couch alone n started cryin again, all i could here in the background was his voice, not carin 1 fukin bit. nancy came over, then left, then v came n she knew i wanted nothin more than to go home.
so here i am, alone, with my heart shattered. i cant take this. he 1 was the guy i thought was different, he promised me he would never hurt me. but just 2 weeks ago this happened for no reason, n he said hed never let it happen again b.c he didnt want to loose me. so wat now? i have no clue wat i did that was so wrong. all i ever do is love u n care about u n this is wat i get in return? u takin that gun of lies n shottin my heart to pieces til it beats no more. n wat hurts even more is how im cryin rite infront of u n u DONT FUKIN CARE. i dont deal with this nemore, random outbursts of me havin my heart broken for no reason. maybe its bbetter this way, even though i kno i want nothin more than to be with u for as long as live. but i cant take this nemore, i hope ull find some1 to make u happy, n satisfy ur needs in every way, b/c obviously i couldnt
i will be an empty, broken body without in my life , but if we rnt meant to be im not gonna force it.

*let me know you are the one*.

iiiii looooveee ajjj [22 Aug 2004|03:44pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend and your relationship

01. name of your boyfriend/girlfriend: aj

02. his/her age: 17

03. his/her hair: long n layered n sexual :p

04. his/her eye color: *melts* changes from green hazel to greyish blue so hot

05. his/her height: 6'0ish

06. he/she reminds me of: the person i love most in the world, himself lol

07. last time you saw him/her: yesterday

08. anniversary: march 25th

09. it's been: 5 months on wed.!

10. be honest-did you go for the looks or personality: a lil of both but mostly personality cuz we were friends 1st

11. what specifically were you attracted to: i thought he was reli funny n cool

12. prep.punk.thug.nerd: uh hes just aj lol

13. do you dig his/her sense of style: def.

14. does he/she have an accent: i guess a nj 1 lol

15. be superficial-what is his/her most outstanding physical feature: i love everythin about him, but the eyes, sghjshg so pretty

16. go past the surface-what is his/her most outstanding personality trait: his humor i guess idk i love it all

17. has he/she met your parents: yup

18. have you met his/her parents: yep

19. your song: we have like 10 lol, but id say either the reason by hoobastank or tiger lily by m.r

20. what do you call each other: aj, love,gill, 'gus', gilli-poo, ajax,ajb4, there r lots

21. how did you meet: mxpx concert, n after jay n v started gettin closer we saw more of each other :)

22. who asked who out: we started talkin online n he said id never h.u with him n stuff, then we had our lil double date n we started seein eachother, then after like a week he asked if we were official yet so we agreed that we were lol

23. how did you ask him/her out OR how did he/she ask you out: ^^

24. have you ever fought: at least once a week lol

25. how do you make up: we always realize we cant live w.o each other so we both give in after either a few hours or at the most a day

26. have you ever broken up: once :(

27. how did you make up: he called n asked me if i did care n if i loved him n i said yes n he apologized n it was all better

28. were you friends first: yup for awhile, like the 2nd or 3rd month of school

29. has your relationship grown or stayed the same: grows more n more each day

30. do you love him/her: more than nethin

31. does he/she love you:yea :)

32. first date location: movies

33. first kiss [with him/her] location: movies *sigh*

34. do you call him/her: yea

35. does he/she call you: yea

36. was it love at first site: idk, we always had a connection, every1 always said i liked him or he liked me all that silly stuff

37. are you abusive: hahah im a biter n a pincher

38. is he/she abusive: hes a slapper n a biter heh

39. pet peeves: wen we fight

40. one thing you know you do that annoy him/her: mention ne past guy or ne guy, mention his old lovers

41. how far have you gone: we still virgins

42. have you ever had a serious talk: yea a couple

43. if you could go back and change one thing in your relationship, would you: some of the stupid fights we had, the misunderstandins n all the gay stuff

6*told me they are* - *let me know you are the one*.

i love my boyfriend :-* [16 Aug 2004|08:50pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i hate wen ajs grounded :( hopefully itll be over by thurs. 2 more days left of camp woot. which means summer is pretty much over. wildwood is suppose to be the 27th-29th, but of course it got screwd over, the only thing i loook foward to all year n it doesnt happen. me n manda were talkin bout goin labor day weekend, but i doubt thatll happen...skrguhsdgk AHHHHHHHHHHHH. i told bitch ass disgustin gross devil mike off last nite for good :)...made me feel better...DIE ASSHOLE :) itll make the world a better place :D
i cleeaned my room a lot today. i a lot of old posters done, took apart my john mayer thing, cleaned out my closet. for years ive wanted to change my room n my mom always says the same thing "clean it out" n shit. ive been cleanin my room for 2months now, no new closet, no new furniture, nothin. fukin GAH.
im havin major aj-withdrawl n it sucks major ass :(

1*told me they are* - *let me know you are the one*.

my love for u is everlastin [09 Aug 2004|09:22pm]
[ mood | sick ]

update-

last sun.- band practice at ajs, nothin sacred is no more, no name or lyrics yet but the music is reli good. it was a smidge awkward for me n v to be with jen the whole day but it was alright.

last mon.- went to ajs, then v n jay came n we drove around n went out to checkers.

wed.- ajs 17th bday! yayyy. he came over n i gave him his presents :) he liked them which made me happy. then jay n v came. went back to vs house to wait for jays parents then we went to krome to c finch. the openin bands pretty much sucked lol, me n aj went in for finch, i lost him but i had fun. after we went out to wait for jays parents n it was like a friggin monsoon, we were alredi wet with sweat now we were drenched with rain too, not good.

thurs.- aj-poo came over. we had fun as usual.he stayed pretty late so we could watch the xgames. fun stuff. i love him<3

sat.- went to ajs for the day. hah we watch these sports bloppers with surfin, bmxin, dirtbikin n skateboardin. haha the man!.he walks into a fence. "ow". haha drunk old toothless men r hilarious. then jay n v came. n after a while we decided to go eat at johnny bs. then we went mini golfin. hah so much fun. then there was badness :( but after like an hour it was pretty much all better

sun.- aj got dropped off around 12ish. then we went straight to raceway park. it was pretty crowded. we went to billy talent n just watched, they were awesome.then we went to allister. we were in but not reli. he hated them, party pooper. we left after like 3 songs cuz there was too many irritatin ppl. we watched some skaters n 1 bmxer. this one guy had a fake leg, n he was good too. we listened to some soty. then went over to c matchbook. my huge disappoint for the day. i was so redi to kick some ass n shit n then they come out n do an acoustic version cuz the guitarist was sick. fukin horrible. we left durin the 1st song. we got some food n sat in the bleachers. we walked around, so some peeps. i saw jefferz!! lol n the johnny. cool stuff. we saw some sugarcult n some boys night out. then we went to c avenged sevenfold, they r awesome. white maked up n purple hair. i love it lol. we tried to listen to some tbs, but they pretty much sucked. so many bands r becomin overrated n overplayed, it sucks. we listened to yellowcard then just sat under the bleachers n talked. then we watched floggin molly, hah they rock. then we walked over to wait for my mom. gr it took an hour for her to get to us. i got her to get us some wendys then we drove him home. got home at like 1130ish. it wasnt as great as i hoped but i still had fun bein with the only person i ever like bein with for so long. :) i love u aj. u rock!

today- me n manda had quite a chat in the mornin lol. this thurs. is my last day with preppys, n some tipage. n next fri. n the last day of camp n with frosh 2, imma miss my kids. they rock. "whos your 1st best friend?'-jen "gillian"-alexis... hell yea lol. but id have to say the quote of the day is "how many boobies do u have"-halle. hah thats hilarious. 2/3year olds r hilarious. im done

1*told me they are* - *let me know you are the one*.

death is beautiful [31 Jul 2004|12:20pm]
[ mood | worthless ]
[ music | dashboard ]

i feel like nothin again. i hate y this always happens to me. am i that horrible of a person to deserve to be hurt time n time again? i give my heart to those who i feel would cherish them, but i end up gettin my broken heart thrown back in my face. i dont feel as if im worth it to ne1 nemore. which makes dyin seem so much better than livin.i dont want to go thru life gettin hurt repeatedly, its not the life i wish to have. i understand u need to get hurt to grow, but was there ever a time i wasnt hurt by some1 i cared about?... no. ive been thinkin n i realized that he just deosnt care about me nemore, n he doesnt love me nemore. i cried a few times durin the movie last nite, n i think i heard v tellin jay n aj that i was cryin. did it/ would it affect u in neway? obviously not. u said ud never hurt me, ud never make me cry. n u broke ur promise more than once. n it doesnt seem fair. i do so much for u, even without bein asked. b/c i love u n i care about u n i think u deserve everythin u want. which im startin to think isnt me nemore. i would kill myself before i EVER let a tear roll down ur face.
the words u say to me, i would never be able to say to u even if i was jokin. "this is wat im thinkin of u rite now- fuk u"( written on the back window). a slap in the face n a few punches of the thigh. y? wen im sittin there not sayin a word, on the verge of tears do u find that necessary. i feel like nothin. u make me feel like im worthless, u makin me feel that way makes me realize id be better off rottin away 6 feet under. u dont love me, u dont care about me, n i dont even kno if u ever did. i give u my everythin, id do nethin for u. n im obviously still doin somethin wrong. i dont kno wat to do nemore but cry, n thats wat id least like to do.i am a failure at everythin i do, especially love.

*let me know you are the one*.

!lets get retarded! [30 Jul 2004|07:50pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

hm nothin new... aj came back from w.w. wed. i went to his house, fun stuff as always. then jay n v came n we drove around n stuff then we went bak to ajs to wait for trish n we went out to eat at applebees then we drove to howell to visit manda at coldstone but it was closed. so we drew on her car hah. ew n a bloody tampon made jay throw up, classic nite heh. thurs. aj came over, we swam it was fun.
today i went to the mall with my mom, got some stuff for my speshial boy :) heh. saw shaina. found some sexy black n grey dvs's n black n pink adio, idk which i want. then i went to galyans (< awesome name :p) to look at the skatin shizzle, not bad. id rather wait a few weeks for my mystery board :). i practiced on ajs board a couple of times today, i didnt fall which is good. im gettin better at balancin on it n stuff. i want my board though so i can get used to ridin that more n shiz, aj said its gonna be reli lite b.c of the deck trucks n wheels he put so thats good. imma go to the movies with my love n the jay n v, n maybe swimmin, i want another tube or noodle war :) adios muchachos

*let me know you are the one*.

+my love for u is everlastin+ [26 Jul 2004|08:05pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | a decade under the influence -tbs ]

havent updated in awhile.. aj came back from st.martin :). hung out with him a lot.started gettin tips in camp, from 3 kids so far 1 more at the end of this week. i babysat for my lexi n her brother zack on sat. shes 2 1/2 n shes so cute. i got $50. the aj bday present fund is increasin :) since he is gonna buy my $110 skateboard, it is sexy :). i want it now heh.
things dont seem to be goin rite. i thought it couldnt get better, but hes makin me realize that we kinda r driftin, which seems hard since we talk all the time n r almost always together. he came over on thurs. n i thought everything was fine. but sat. wen i got home from babysittin we had a 'talk', which basically made me feel like shit, no offense. just not the perfect topic of conversation to end my night :-\. hes in w.w now, until tom. niteish. hes makin me feel like wen we do see eachother its not goin be the same, just a bunch of awkward silences n stuff. :(. idk. i care, but im not obsessin myself over it. i just dont think that it seems possible to me for us to be fallin apart. i kno(n hope) that everythin will be the way it was. idk. i dont kno wat i would do without him, but its not hittin me that this could be over. i guess i dont think its that big of a deal for it to be. idk wat to think nemore. he doesnt think i care or that i love him. n i love him more than nethin n i would give up nethin n everythin for him. i would risk my life in a heartbeat for him. i just wish he would realize that. :'(

*let me know you are the one*.

i miss u so much [13 Jul 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | vindicated- dashboard ]

this week has been reli sucky :(.. i got to hang out with some of the 'crew' on thurs. it was fun i miss bein able to hang out with them all the time, but ppl have other priorities now. besides that day ive been home everyday waitin for ajs call :( but its been 6 whole days without seein him n 5 without talkin to him :( n it sucks. im so empty without him. i dont even kno if hes ok :-\. i put a pic of him next to my bed so its kind of like hes here *cough lame cough* but oh well.
on friday i finally got my COW!!!..cow= consueler of the week. yay im happy. the divison leader for our group age was like n the consueler of the week is.... gillian n handed it to this other jc in my group erica. n then she was like whoops ur not gillian. HAH sucks for u :) yay happiness. my head consueler lori, is the shit, n she always tells me i do everythin n the other two girls just sit n do nothin, yay.
more good news, on friday daddy came home from work. went out. n brought home our new car :) gilli has a car! hah scary. its not that hot, but compared to the other 2 cars i could choose from it was the best, 2004 cavalier ls, in a sexy blue. i like it :).
3 more days of unhappiness, still too long. i hate *you* :) bitch ass mo'fo. i cant wait to c my speshial one hopefully on fri. wen he comes bak, or ill settle for sat. just as long as i can hear his voice again n not his voice mail. :) n im spent. bye

*let me know you are the one*.

i will miss u wen ur gone [07 Jul 2004|07:01pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | the boy who blocked his own shot- brandnew ]

ive been goin back to my usual ways recently, again.i hate myself more n more each day. n then today just made everythin worse.idk y but it hurts so much wen he doesnt believe me wen i say i love u. how could i not? now i wont be seein him or speakin to him for 9days n i dont kno how ill be able to keep a smile. i was fallin apart wen he was gone for just 3days. i wanted to c him so bad today, but i dont kno wat happened but im so miserable rite now. i just want to hide under my covers alone in my room for the next 8days b.c i kno everythin will remind me of him n ill just break down. n it just makes it worse that i most likely wont be able to even talk to him on the phone. i hate bein apart from the one person in the world that i wanna be with. n wats even worse is that he doesnt believe me n doesnt think i care wen im dyin inside rite now n hes not even gone. goodbye

i see ur picture, i smell ur skin on the empty pillow next to mine
u have only been gone 10 days, but alredi i am wastin away
i kno ill see u again
whether far or soon
but i need u to kno, that i care
n i miss u

*let me know you are the one*.

id like to close my eyes n go numb [22 Jun 2004|07:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | over it- rufio ]

ive been goin back to my old ways recently. especially in the last 2 days. it seems even worse than before. i hate bein this way, bein depressed, isolatin myself from every1. of course my dad comes in n makes everything worse by makin me feel even worse about myself than i alredi do. sometimes i think if i was "perfect" then things like this wouldnt happen to me. but that will never happen. ive been gettin hurt for years now, i would think im used to it, but im not. its always goin to be this way, i will get stepped on, n have my heart ripped out, again n again, that is my purpose in life, to get hurt. i honestly feel like im dyin inside. i hate it. but it doesnt matter. b.c i can cry myself an ocean n kill myself even more n nothin will change, no one will care, no one will change. i have to realize that this is who i am, n this is how my future is goin to be bc im sure as hell not goin to be success in neway, ill just live my life by lettin ppl walk all over me n hurt me. cant wait.

*let me know you are the one*.

u r my everything [18 Jun 2004|10:26pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

havent updated in a while...took sats, schools finally over. seein aj a lot :). i got my sat score today, 1020. finally broke 1000 :). my last week at palmas is comin up. which means camps gonna start. ugh i kno im gonna have to work with some1 i reli cant stand. whoppity do. tomorrow i have a camp meetin from 9ish to 3, then work from 3-8..that fukin sucks. hopefully i can go to ajs after :) studly. jobs suck. n i miss aj :(. hah yesterday poor aj :( lol i love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu soo much.

the smile on ur face lets me kno that u need me, there is a truth in ur eyes sayin ull never leave me, the touch of ur hand says ull catch me wenever i fall

i love u more n more each time i c ur face, bein with u is the only place i ever want to be, i love u so much aj

*let me know you are the one*.

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