- . Thing's I'll Never Say . -'s Journal

Thursday, January 1, 2004

8:13PM

Tiff - I love you! Sorry about the way things went down between AJ and you. *hugs* You can call me if you need to talk.

Current mood: tired
erase me

Monday, December 1, 2003

4:47PM - what would happen if we kissed?

Alright. rant and rave time, if you don't want to hear it, then i suggest you stop reading! NOW! Alright, so there is this certian someone, we shall call her whitney, because, well, that's her name...she's in love with doug. gr to that. it's bull shit. so when she's with her boyfriend, mike, all she thinks about is doug. aw, hell no! all she will do is fuck him over, like every other guy she's gone out with. i'm still deeply in love with doug and i don't want to see him get hurt, ever. he's my baby, still, and i will protect him as he protected me. she says that doug flirts with her...duh, doug is a flirt, and just because he flirts with her, uh, that doesn't mean shit. i can flirt with any damn person that i want, but that doesn't mean i like them....ie...doug flirting with whitney. and another thing, she is always in my dear friend tiff's way. aj isn't her's anymore, aj now belongs to tiff, so back off. i love tiff dearly. oh man was she pissed. tiff has enough shit and she doesn't need whitney's.
god, i'm still in love with doug. i'm not ready for him to like anyone, or anyone to like him. to me, he is still mine. and for a very super long time, it will remain that way. i'm not sure how he feels about me saying/feeling this, but it's what i feel and it's not going to change. i don't want to control him, he can go fuck another girl for all i care, but it would hurt because i'm not done with him yet. yes, we are broken up, but i'm not ready to give him up yet. i don't know if i ever really will be ready. doug is a great man, one of the best i know. he tries hard to please everyone, and yes, that is so super hard. so many of his friends take him and his niceness for grated. personally, i'm sick of it. god, i love him.
it was great after school, i was making doug come with me everywhere. i love his company. he can make me laugh even when he's not aware he's doing it. just being around him makes me smile. then there's whitney, i could tell that she was getting mad, so i dragged him with me even more. i don't want her to rip his heart out. i'm afraid for him that she'd hurt him more then i did. look at what she did to aj, to zac. she's not doing the same thing to my baby cakes. i wanted to kiss doug good bye when i left, but i didn't. i simply kissed my hand, then put it on his cheek. he wanted to hold my hand. i'm not even sure why i pulled it away, now that i think about it. i shouldn't have. i love his hands. i feel so safe in them, with them around mine.
*sigh* i'm such a loser. i can't help myself though, because i'm away from the one that i love and i can't be with him. i don't know. i just don't want whitney to hurt him....
(Tiff, we need to do something about this)

Current mood: busy
Current music: In a Whisper - One True Thing
5 did * erase me

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

4:11PM - Who are we really?

This just isn't cool. How am I the one that ignoring him? Huh? He sees me in the hall, looks at me and when I smiled at him, he looked away! WTF? So I don't know. It seems that he doesn't even want to be my friend. I'm just so lost.
And Doug...God, I love that kid. Do you know how hard it is to move on when he's standing right next to me? I don't want him to go away though. I want him to be there with me. I want to talk to him. I still get jealous when reading people's journal's about what they did with him when. I just want to be able to hang out with him and not have the weridness, but that seems like close to impossible. Today after school for example. Ya, I just wanted to hug him and stuff, be like we were. I can tell he did to, but we had to hold it back completely. We have to move on. I wish we didn't have to. I can't think of a way to get things to work between us though, romantically. Hell, if things could work and things would be fine, ok, spiffie, whatever, then I'd be up for it. Perhaps we just needed a break. You don't know if you really need someone until they are gone. To me, that's the true test of your love.
I just wish things could be normal. I wish I didn't have to place me or other people in boxes. I'm just so hurt and I don't know what to do with all the hurt inside. You may not be able to see it when you look at me, but honestly, I am hurting so bad. I want to scream. I can't sit still. I can't think. I can't do anything. I think Cade knows how I feel too. I *heart* Cade and I wish that Carley would at least be some kind of sympathetic to his feelings. I think I at least have some type of kindness for Doug still. He knows that if he needs something, I'm a phone call away and I will listen to him. With Carley and Cade, well Carley seems to be so wrapped up in her own little world that she can't see how much Cade is hurting, hell she's hurt me too and I'm almost sure that she doesn't even realize it or she choses not to do anything about it. I can't go up and talk to her. I don't know. This whole situation is dumb.
I thought I just lost this whole entry. Oh man, I would have been pissed.
I just want to be Doug's friend right now, but it's so freaking hard. I look at him and I want to kiss him. Especially when we leave eachother. I just want to not let go. It's so hard and I'm not sure that I can do it. I want to be able to, but I just can't. I am trying so hard though. I really am. I just don't like when he doesn't act like himself around me...or what I thought I knew as himself. Maybe he's changed in the past week as a result of having his heart broken.
*le sigh*

Current mood: crushed
Current music: In the computer lab at school with JC
1 did * erase me

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

7:01PM - Break me down

Ah..! The whole world is like out to get me or something. I swear. Everyone but Jenni, Melissa, JC, Chris, Alisha and some others. I can't take it anymore.
I saw him in the halls today. We looked eachother right in the eye then he simply looked away without saying anything to me. Ah. What the hell? Someone says that we're going out and suddenly he can't even say hi to me. That's bull shit. I don't need people like that. Fuck them.
Doug came with JC and I to Best Buy today. He was so mopey and what not. All he did was put down the CDs I was buying and I just don't know. I want to be his friend, I want to be there for him, I just can't do it. I'm sorry, but when yoe break up with someone of a year and a half you can't magically be friends. Hello? I know I threw him away, I know I lost him. I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything, but the whole point of breaking up is to get away from that person. I do, I swear I do love him to death but when he still calls me every night, talks me to, and puts guilt on me, I feel as if nothing at all has changed and it's just not working. I wish things between us could have been fixed, but they can't, they just can't. I'm sorry with all my heart.
He thinks I don't care...How can I move on so fast? Obviously, I can't...I'm sorry. I just can't be myself right now. I'm so confused. Jenni, she understands things...well at least I think she does. I'm so happy that she's been there for me all this time. I really need to do something nice for her. I don't do nice things like that much. Even a thank you card would make her smile. I know today when Tracy gave me a thank you card for helping her out, it made me smile, then want to cry because I know that I've helped someone that much and it really did mean something to them. So yes, I need to make Jenni a thank you card.
I had this crazy dream last night. I was at this play, I don't know which one with a really pretty girl, she was my best friend, I don't know who she is though. Anyway, after the play ended all the cast memebers sat under these signs with their characters name and their real names. We were going around telling everyone how great they all did. The girl I was with was flirting with one of the hot guys, the lead one in the play. I walked over by them and the guy couldn't even finish his sentence. He just stared at me in...amazement...? Right as the girl was about to give him her phone number, he pulled me over and on a dollar bill wrote his phone number down. I has this huge smile on my face. Then an alarm went off and I woke up....with a smile on my face. Through all of this crap, the dream really made me feel special...although I'm sure it would never come true, but still...it made me hope...i continue to dream.

Current mood: pessimistic
Current music: Christina Aguilera
2 did * erase me

Friday, June 20, 2003

12:11PM - It's about time...I made up my mind.

He'd do sweet things, such as donate blood so he can find money to pay for the perfect date that is perfectly planned in his mind. He's a musician, and writes his on songs. This one, it's for me. A lovely ballad confessing his love for me. When he screws up, he doesn't apologize over and over again. Instead, he'd find a way to show that his is sorry. Even picking dadilions from the front yard, putting them in a vase, although they have wilted and are close to dying, he still gives them to me. No money included. For no reason, he would do something sweet. Late at night, he's park his car down the road. He'd then walk over to my house, throw rocks at my window just to say "I love you." If I wasn't home, he'd sit in my front yard waiting for me to return. It would be a suprise. Suprises are good, only if they come from the heart though. He'd call me, really listen to me, not judging me on what I say, but being there, even though he's not, to comfort me and tell me that things are ok. No, "don't say that" would be said, because that's how I feel, it's how I really do feel. I donno, maybe I want the type of guy that's not a guy at all....Ew, scarry.

Current mood: cold
20 did * erase me

Thursday, June 12, 2003

7:33PM

And so it starts...again...but this time around, I dont seem to care.

2 did * erase me

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

7:14PM - Herrold

People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck. People suck.

Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Get a Clue on Disney
2 did * erase me

Monday, April 7, 2003

6:51PM - dive infront of paint

It hurts. Should it? Yes. Glenn was, and still is one of my best friends, and now, just because of my actions and what not, we don't even talk. Things just seem weird. I told Doug how I sent him and e-mail telling him to get over me and stuff. Doug gave me a high five. It hurt. It hurts that my boyfriend is that immature so that he can't accept the fact me and Glenn are friends. The note Glenn left me on my other entry, asking why we can't be friends like me and JC; it made me think. Why can't we just be friends, like he's another brother to me. I like brothers. Older brothers. I like the comfort of them being there. Let's see. I have JC, Chris, Zac. I want to add Glenn. If only he would accept my offer. I love him, but I don't want him to be in love with me. There is a defferance between loving someone and being in love with them. I want a tight friend love with Glenn. I don't want him to just be gone and out of my life. It just doesn't work that way. Someone that means something to you, like Glenn does to me, I can't just wish him away and out of my life. It's just not right. At school, we talked a bit. There wasn't much to say though. I still walked with him from third hour to fourth, after debating if I should or not. I'm glad that I did. I wish that people could grow up and realize that just because you are friends with someone of the opposite sex, doesn't mean that they are going to go and have sex or something. Gah.

Current mood: apathetic
Current music: whereever you go, whatever you do....
1 did * erase me

Friday, April 4, 2003

3:11PM - turn around and walk away

I'm sorry for being a bitch. I'm sorry I just walked away and didn't say anything. I couldn't do it. I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him that I couldn't come. I left, went my own way without saying a thing.

Current mood: gloomy
Current music: Doug and Tracy
3 did * erase me