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The Beautiful One is Always Strange

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Sometimes [22 Jun 2014|01:35am]
Sometimes I just wanna bitch, and whine without it being public news. So I come here. It's basically abandoned by the entire internet. Seriously. What the fuck?! Anyhow...yup. just bein' me. Sick of my job still. It's going on fourteen years at that fucking place. I wish I could find a way out that didn't suck. I'll probably just get fired at some point.

Found an iPhone at walmart today. I turned it in to the lost and found. I need a new phone. This one is crap.

I love Mycroft. I already fear his passing, and he's not even a year old yet. He's so important to me.
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[27 Apr 2014|10:31am]
I must truly be repugnant, since I can't manage to gain any friends in life. Or the respect of my family or co workers. No wonder I hate myself so much. I couldn't sleep last night due to all the self loathing. But whatever. I've got my dogs. But I do wish I were crazy enough to dream up an imaginary friend, and believe in it.
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humans [25 Apr 2014|01:41am]
I don't really think I'm meant to have a life with human inneractions. I've become bitter, and jaded towards humanity. I think the only thing I've ever really loved, and loved me back the way I wanted is Mycroft. I feel so strongly about him. He still makes my heart happy every time I see him. I sometimes think it's possible that I don't feel love at all, properly. If that is the case, then I wonder how many other feeling's I've thought I've had, that I didn't really understand. I've spent so much time alone that I've become warped. Last time I saw a freind was in September, when I saw Depeche Mode with Kendall. Before that it was when I went to Reno with Jake. I can't recall before that. Perhaps the focus of my life should be animals, and episodes of Doctor Who. Who needs real life freinds, when you've got an imaginary 1,200+ year old time lord to kick it with? Althugh, I do wish 11 were real, & that we were friends. I'd love to have a friend.
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[11 Jul 2012|12:32am]
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FUCK [29 Feb 2012|08:29am]
OMG! YOU RELENTLESS CUNT! STOP TRYING TO BROWBEAT YOUR OPINIONS ONTO ME. IT'S REALLY MAKING ME START TO HATE YOU.
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Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Parisian Macarons. [21 Feb 2012|10:43pm]
Well, I'm getting a little closer to nailing these damned cookies. I'm glad Kendall & I got the ones we did in San Fran so that I had a reference point. On Thursday I'll try to make them again. If they turn out I'll give them to Uncle George for a birthday gift.

I took Mom to see The Vow tonight. God, was that something I didn't want to do. I think when you grow up, as a female, knowing you are not going to be the object of targeted romance, you kind of just hate it. It's all a fantasy, I think. No one loves like that. It's all bullshit. Which may lead to why there are so many problems with girls in relationships today. They see these films, and think that is based on some form of reality. It's not. But even more-so for those who aren't conventionally beautiful.

Now, I'm not gay...but if I were to give it a try for anyone, it would be for Sue Perkins. I think she's hot as hell. I don't get it either, but hey...she's hot. Brainy, funny, and one of those strange assed people who are almost INSTANTLY BRILLIANT at whatever they try for the first time.

So, the fear about Mom's health continues. She's my Mommy, & I love her. I'm just sick of being constantly worried. Work still sucks....Nothing new there. OH! My manager might retire soon! That would be a glowing delight.

I can't believe Thorn died. It's so fucking strange. The very last time I saw him was when he'd come back into town for a visit. He'd bought sweaters for Apollo & I as gifts. I feel kind of bad that I sold the one he gave Apollo at last falls yard sale. However, I still have the one he gave me. I almost sent it off to Crandall for Christmas. But I never got around to it. I know we weren't super close, but it's the sentimental side in me that wants me to keep it. I know..I'm fucking crazy.

I can't wait to see my commissioned dolls. I am also on the fence about Pulp. I don't know how bad I want to see them. Lia has semi-secured me a ticket. The plans aren't solid, as of yet. But they have, I'd say, the solidity of Jello. I might take Jake with me, just for the ride. He's an alright dude.

I put $250 away in my third bank account. I've decided we should start saving up to buy a house. The plan, at this point, is to move to Placerville. It wouldn't be for some time, but It's best to start planning ahead.
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You really are a bitch. [07 Aug 2010|12:16am]
I know why I keep you around. The pay off better be worth it.
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Parisan Macarons [07 Jul 2010|01:39am]
After trying several other recipes, and several failures,  a friend of mine showed me this one.   It worked! HUZZAH!
 I made ONE batch.  Then I piped out half of the batter onto a silicone mat & perforated baking sheet.  The other half I piped out onto a regular baking sheet, with parchment paper.  I let them sit for the same hour.  I placed them in the same oven.  I pulled them out at the same time.  The difference is AMAZING.  I highly suggest getting a silicone mat & perforated baking sheet for making these.  The parchment paper tray turned out cracked & hollow.  The silicone mat & perforated baking sheet ones came out PERFECT, in my opinion.  (granted, they aren't quite as "poofy" as other ones I've seen online.  And the feet are small, but they are there. So for now, I'm putting this in the win column.)
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Il Pleure Dans Mon Coeur [02 Jul 2010|12:34am]
I miss you......but you haven't been you in years.

Comme il pleut sur la ville ;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon coeur ?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie
Par terre et sur les toits !
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,
Ô le chant de la pluie !

Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure.
Quoi ! nulle trahison ?...
Ce deuil est sans raison.

C'est bien la pire peine
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon coeur a tant de peine !
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Please..... [17 Jun 2010|12:29am]
[ mood | hopeless ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZoYzne9Tpg

.......I'm sorry. It just breaks my heart.

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Kendaru [19 May 2010|01:32am]


I love this picture of her.
I see her on Saturday.


I'M STILL FUCKED IN THE HEAD OVER RYAN'S DEATH! It's almost the only thing I can think about. He was the first thing in my head when I woke yesterday. I cried again over it tonight. I saw this boy at least once a week for the larger portion of my teen years. He was more important to me than he could have known. He never made me feel bad about myself. He never made me feel less than human. He was that way with everyone. He was as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside. He was one of the big three. Perhaps a part of why I am so sad about this is because, yes, Ryan is gone. But it also so is that part of my life. A huge part of my history. And I NEVER have feelings that are reflected by a cliché, but I feel it's so sad that his son will never get to really know how awesome his father was. I have so many feelings about this, & the worst of it is that I have no one to talk to about it.
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I Can't Believe it. [17 May 2010|01:45am]
[ mood | Sad/Shocked/Depressed ]

http://www.myspace.com/remembering_ryan

I actually cried when I found out. I can't believe I only found out last night. I drove over to Knighton Road tonight & thought of him. I wanna find his resting place and say goodbye.

I remember rafting. Him and Matt jokin' about. I remember being locked up in that church all night with the rest of the group, & watching The Princess Bride. Whenever that one part comes up, I always remember him jumping up and screaming "DREAD PIRATE RYAN!"

Ryan was sweet, & perfect.

Even though I haven't spoken to him in AGES, I feel a hole in my world.

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Why? [09 May 2010|01:02am]
[ mood | calm ]

Why does this song always make me feel weird inside? A strange combo of depressed, haunted, and impossibly happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5h_qVpUTUM4

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Cell Phone-O-Rama Pics [29 Apr 2010|08:57pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I made some nifty Johnny Depp envelopes, & sent one to Kendall.


Crandall send me a pic of himself wearing the CFPA hoodie I made.


I bought a fantastic little poodle Josef Originals for my mom for Mother's Day. Half wish I could keep it, but that's not what I bought it for. BUT I did score this super cute bunny planter & put some dahlias in it.



Displaying some of my Josef Originals.




The weather here has been so strange, but I love it.
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A-FUCKING-MAZING [28 Apr 2010|10:25pm]
http://vimeo.com/11237479

Thank you, Dire, for showing me this. It's kind of impressive. Well, to me at least.
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WHY [25 Apr 2010|11:57pm]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb3Bh7CDHXc
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Tomorrow [23 Apr 2010|11:39pm]
Tomorrow Christopher is getting married. It's also the last day of my vacation. So, whatever.

Things are looking better for me. I've been a lot more cheerful. Happy, even. But there is still the issue of my weight. I have been working out a lot more. I've kind of taken to enjoying it. I do credit my decreased depression to it in some way.

I wish Crandall would quit calling me "My love." It's not like he means it in the literal sense. I think what bothers me about it is what hides behind it. I know he dates a lot of girls. And that's cool. I don't care. I wouldn't even want him if I were single. But it's the fact that he thinks he's so smooth. It's stupid. It kind of makes me laugh. But then again, I played in a different league. But it does bother me. I wonder how long before he sends me copies of his Echo vids. He did get the sweater I made. He loved it. Good stuff. I was glad to have found someone to give it to. I was never going to wear it. I can make myself another one with a better zipper. BLEH.

OOOH! I've been talking less to Jules. She's such a bummer sometimes. She enjoys being unhappy. And talking to her bums me out. I credit her with some of my depression in the past year.

I want an adventure soon. Travel.
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[02 Mar 2010|12:47am]
How dare YOU of all people call ME crazy!?
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I quit..... [01 Mar 2010|12:13pm]
I just want some peace.
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All The Colours Fade [01 Mar 2010|11:30am]
[ mood | amused ]



I got a lovely letter from Me-me today.

I think after my physical therapy tomorrow I'll go for a walk in the Redding graveyard.

Watched The Other Boleyn Girl last night. Kept me up until 3.

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