Blurty for TracesOfHer.

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Sunday, September 4th, 2005

Subject:katrina, katrina
Time:11:08 pm.
Mood: angry.
Music:LizPhair/ExplainItToMe.
that bitch!! this hurricane has wiped out many of the homes of the people i love, most of my friends' shit and my family and i have been forced to relocate to jackson, mississippi with my brother whom i am not exactly cool with. this is all fucked and the media is conveniently overlooking the tragedies happening around me because it's mississippi. go fuck yourselves.
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Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Subject:what the fuck is wrong with my head?!
Time:7:20 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Music:ExplainItToMe/LizPhair.
i cant keep my brain still!! i read girl, interrupted. it wasnt what i thought it would be. but i had to keep putting it down so i could breathe. i identify with alot of shit she said. seeing things...i'm always seeing things--spiders, eyes. i need to snap back into reality, so i cut myself or dip my finger into hot wax. and BOOM i'm me again. and strangely calm, while simultaneously repulsed by my necessary actions.

i need more books. i only want to read about fucked up people. peers. those on the inside. they have something to teach me, tell me, something i can use. i just dont know what it is.

so, i keep saying i want to be ME, but then i go do asinine things like join a sorority. i know--so lame. im supposedly non-conformist. but look at me: doing what mommy wants. well, my mommy might be dying. so i want to serve my happiness to her up on a platter. i can be who she wants me to be until she is out of the woods or in the ground. that's crass. at this rate, i wont unearth my true being until im the one in the ground.
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Monday, August 1st, 2005

Subject:searching my soul
Time:3:00 pm.
Mood: determined.
Music:MyLife/TLC.
i've been rearranging my life--my hair, nails, even what i read. trying to figure out who i am. i dont know if i am any closer, to me, but i've resolved to not give in. i'll do what they need me to do for them. i'll make their lives as easy as i can, but i will not compromise who i am at my core. how can i feel so strongly about preserving a part of me that i have yet to be acquainted with? i dont know. but i do. so, now comes the hardest part of the battle: holding my ground with no real basis for the standoff!
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Friday, July 29th, 2005

Subject:stupid ass dumb fuck of a computer
Time:1:39 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
Music:OnTheBound/FionaApple.
just realized that some of my grittier entries didnt post. over the last week or so, the cutting has been getting out of hand and i slit my wrist so deep i actually scared myself. but that's old news now. i'm over it. back in the saddle, still not giving a fuck. i love to bleed!!
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Subject:my brains are leaking out of my ears
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:GetGone/FionaApple.
these damn kids are driving me nuts!!! it's to the point where i'm cutting just to get away from them. i cant take this. I DONT HAVE ANY CHILDREN!! they arent mine!! my brothers, my parents, their parents all SUCK ASS!! this is not my responsibility. i have a sick and possibly dying woman to tend to EVERYDAY. i dont need this shit!! not to mention my future-whore of a niece keeps telling me how fat i am. i'm gonna cut that little bitch!! 8-yr-old cunt! just like her mother. i dont care what anyone thinks of what i have to say. i'm rude, selfish, crude, crass, uncaring, unkind, mean, whatever I DONT GIVE A FUCK. EAT ME.
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Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

Subject:introductory informational
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: cynical.
Music:SullenGirl/FionaApple.
23 yrs old
female
southern
self-injurer
bulimic
divorced (is that a definitive term?)
open-minded almost to a fault, so feel free to say anything to me without being judged
anti-social
loves: sylvia plath, daria, independent films, corny sitcoms like friends & that 70's show, fiona apple, liz phair, gwen stefani, BEP, movies set in mental institutions, my car
hates: spiders, insomnia, dealing with my mother's lung cancer, living with my parents, my siblings, going out in public, being overweight, babysitting, music videos, unemployment, myself

questionnare:
1. Do you cut? who doesnt?
2. Who do you hide SI from? everyone, including myself
3. Who knows about it? one friend knows i still do it, everyone else thinks i stopped
4. How long has it been since you last cut? last night and about 2 minutes after i finish this questionnare
5. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? who hasnt?
6. Where do you usually cut? wrists, arms, legs, ankles
7. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? no one
8. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? a guy i was seeing playfully grabbed my arm, i whenced, he discovered my "secret" (that's so lifetime movie network)
9. Do you have a fascination with scabs? no
10. Do you like scars, yes or no? yes and no. the awful-looking deep ones that i cant hide or explain, i hate. the smaller, pleasantly shaped ones, i like.
11. Do you name your razor? no, but i would like to marry it
12. What other methods of SI do you use? hitting, hair pulling, biting, pinching, sometimes burning
13. do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? no, whatever
14. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? i wear anywhere from 25-100 black plastic bracelets at all times and jeans, long sleeves
15. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? yeah, no questions
16. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? not yet
17. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e.: gym change rooms)? yeah, but if i notice someone looking at my scars i just ignore it like its normal, then there are no questions
18. What's the best part about cutting to you? the blood
19. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? goo goo dolls/iris
20. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? no
21. What instrument do you use to cut? razor, cuticle scissors, knife--prefer single edge razors
22. What causes you to cut? anxiety, life
23. What do you feel afterwards? calm, in control, relieved
24. What is your closest Close Call? ive never cut that bad
25. How long have you been doing it? almost 5 years
26. Do you keep a razor in your bag? yes, in my wallet and stashed in several other convenient locations
27. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? not yet
28. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? no, used to. didnt help
29. Are your parents divorced? no
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Monday, July 4th, 2005

Subject:glue sniffin'
Time:1:10 pm.
Mood:loaded.
Music:WhatYouWaitingFor/GwenStefani.
it seems i've upgraded from hackin into my skin with razors to sniffin rubber cement. at first, it seemed innocent, a little head rush, then a pretty calm, a shade of purple like i'd never seen. now it's an obsession, i think. i think about it all the time. i got high right before walking out to meet the preacher, took communion, got reinstated to my old church--all under the influence of glue. couldnt think about god, just my next fix. jesus, something's really wrong with me.
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Blurty for TracesOfHer.

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You're looking at the latest 7 entries.