10:27pm 30/03/2005
 
music: the virgin suicides
i'm in love with something, something, someone. anything. he does not exist. i just want to be held. he does exist but as a image. he lives with me all the time. he does whatever i want him to do and all i have to do is think it. sometimes i lie in bed for hours and he is there.

he isn't really here. but he is.
 
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01:58am 20/12/2004
 
mood: lonely
music: tegan and sara
long time no type. well i think i'm falling in-love, with a girl or a concept. which i can't grasp. i got really high and started to think, which is never good. i had some showerhead fun. i still have no idea what i want from life.

i want a house in LA filled with glitter and books and music and flowers and love and magic.
i want someone to love.

i want want want i love want love wait.
 
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Dance with me?   
10:42pm 17/10/2004
 
mood: busy
music: Bjork - Oh So Quiet
I'm so confused. I want to know who I am..

I want to be one of these beautiful creatures from a FLB book and be made of glitter and shimmer and love and beauty. I want to be me. But what am I? I can't seem to figure these things out. I go through stages of obsession..Radiohead, Glassjaw, Coldplay, Glassjaw..make up your mind Ivy..make it up and decide. Who are you? What do I like? Boys? Girls? Both? Do I want to drink? I take to many pills just so I can think. I need to think..

I'm going to download some Bjork. And think. And dance to techno with glowsticks. And do my make-up ridiculous.
 
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who the fuck?   
09:12pm 03/09/2004
 
mood: high/horny
music: pj harvey - who the fuck?
i'm really fucking horny. seriously, i hate/love this feeling. i've been listening to pj harvey and waiting for this stupid hurricane to come. i took my mom's vikoden and it's kicking in so now i'm horny and high. where is a hott guy when you need one? (matt b.? hm?) i'd even take a hott girl right now. i'm still bi-curious and it's getting on my nerves. i hate not knowing..or not wanting to know. i want to go to a club and bathe in the that flourescent, drug infused atmosphere. i want to go into a dark corner, being covered in glitter and making love while i drip glitter-sweat onto my lover. doesn't angeldust sound so nice? like powdered-sugary shimmer. probably silver or irrdescent pearl colored, that is blue-purple in the right light. i read it makes kids gauge there eyes out. not so pretty anymore. i'm going into my room and turning on pj harvey loud and i'm going to end up throwing myself around the room and touching myself alone in my purple glowing-globe room. is it to much to be loved?

i'm not eating tomorrow. i need to lose a few pounds. so next summer i'll be a pale, fleshy-white flower.
 
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