Liz's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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blogtacular [11 Apr 2008|09:42pm]
i started a blog in london last summer and never got going on it till this month. i think i'll eventually change it to 'letters from los angeles,' because that's where i'll be for the next two years, teaching english.
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[21 Mar 2008|01:37pm]
been feeling down for the first time in awhile. two papers and two senior essays to write, a magazine to publish, and a job decision to make in the next 5 weeks. doable maybe, but there's also this insane pressure to make it the best and most memorable 5 weeks of my college experience. i'm just not ready for it to end.

in all likelihood i'll be back in la next year doing teach for america. i'm scared of teaching, but in some ways more scared to be coming back to la. there's a very real fear that straying too far, going anyplace that's not new york, will somehow make the whole thing (college) not-real, never-having-happened. a fear of regressing, retracing my steps-- and also of being bad at something again, being sad again, adjusting again and again never being home.

also a fear that when i leave here my life will still be messy, and it will no longer be okay. that i'll still eat wrong and not take vitamins or return calls, and that i won't have excuses anymore. that i am just that way.

on the other hand, the sunshine will be nice.
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[04 Feb 2008|12:17am]
just had a horrible thought:

what if blurty deletes me? what if blurty disappears off the face of the internet?

i don't feel quite comfortable with so much of my life existing only in the invisible, intangible realm of the internet.

next week i back up.
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[07 Apr 2007|09:11pm]
i'm going to be in la the first half of the summer doing unpaid bitchwork for rockstar professors at ucla!

then i'm taking classes in london!

then i'm traveling ALL BY MYSELF to paris and spain where i will run with the bulls and sit in romantic cafes reading hemingway and making googly eyes with men who don't speak english.


i just have to make it through this semester first, which includes writing a 7-9 page paper, a 10-15 page paper, a 15-20 page paper, and -- here's the kicker -- a paper with no page limits, but for which, in the immortal words of harold bloom, 'twenty pages would be too short and a hundred pages would be too long.'

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[01 Sep 2006|02:44am]

wish i could escort you to the airport myself, but duty (aka new haven) calls. have a lovely, lovely flight (here's hoping they have to bump you to business class), savor those first few moments in paris (like angela, who had only the car ride to enjoy before getting her sorry, rosette-wearing butt auf't) and write me an email as soon as you're settled.

laura, have fun in china. no long goodbye because i'm seeing you in THREE WEEKS on my home turf. yeahhh.

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[29 Jun 2006|10:50pm]
i feel like i should update too! first, let me say: i am not much of a myspacer (ya'll know this because tom is still in my 'top 8', the whole concept of which was explained to me very recently), BUT, being upstairs doing a problem set while every 20something in new haven is downstairs and drinking (and you can't have a drop of alcohol all summer due to antibiotics, which i will get to later), can lead to serious procrastinatory measures, chief among them myspace dabbling. so anyways moral of the story is i came across kim's blog and it made me miss her soo much and high school so much and, a part of me, blogging so much-- it feels so good to know what's going on in you guys' lives. first college summer away from home and it's really hitting me that there isn't going to be some always-seven-months-away reunion where everything will go back to the way it was in high school. i can't keep telling myself i will be a better friend when i'm in la. i have to be a better friend now, because honestly i don't know if i'm going to be in la for more than 2 weeks at a time at any point before i graduate. that's scary.

so anyways here is a short update. came home for three weeks in may, just enough time to find out i had crohn's disease (yes, THAT was the reason i've been in excruciating pain for the past two and a half years) and start massive treatment (read: 18 pills a day, no alcohol, no fruits and veggies, no dairy, no caffeine, i want to die a little and the pills leave a bad taste in my mouth) but also, miraculously, start to feel not-terrible for the first time in awhile. same can not exactly said for mental health, which is constantly on the brink, held back only by a xanax prescription and the remarkable ability to forget how bad i've felt whenever i'm feeling good. oh well. am in new haven taking classes (astronomy this session, then shakespeare: comedies and romances) and working at the admissions office (best job ever, except i sometimes have to tell huge lies about how much i love it here). it's nice to be living off campus, so even though i'm here and doing the school thing it doesn't feel so much like the school year that it's not summer. also new haven is surprisingly chill during the summer, and sooner rather than later i will be taking some wknd trips to the city and maybe dc. i like my roommates. so far only one attempted break-in and two drivebys in the space of three weeks. no muggings to speak of which is impressive. feel like i'm in high school again. mikey is coming out for a few days next wknd (he'll be in new york) and mom and andy are visiting on my birthday (!!) on their way to london and paris. i am a very long, very expensive layover. philip is in europe for the summer so basically this is the summer of the koenig diaspora. at least i know i'm not missing any big family dinners back home. um what else. back in la for the last two-ish weeks of august, at which time we will throw michelle the best going-away party ever and, if time permits, have another one of my trademarked month-after-the-fact birthday parties. i miss everyone.

ok that's all for now.

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[05 May 2006|10:59pm]
it's funny because i check blurty like every single day to see if anyone's posted but i don't think i've written anything in like a couple of months at least. ha. well anyways, i'm studying for my last final, which is the day after tomorrow. then i'm half done with yale. phew. for those of you who don't know, i somehow decided that staying in new haven for the summer would be a good idea. classes, working at the admissions office. oh well. it'll be fine, but a part of me wishes i could have found a job or something back home. ill be back may 11 till june 2, then back for like the last 2-3 weeks of august. ick. but i wont be working or anything so you all HAVE to hang out with me then. for. serious.

i don't have anything good or interesting to say. just that i'm tired, and wordsworth... just, wordsworth. oh boy.

back to le studying!
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[24 Mar 2006|12:25am]
there are times i wish i were a better journal-keeper; it's hard to map a past trajectory without some written proof. otherwise you are only remembering in waves and pinpoints, concentrated, undulating moments of pain and joy.
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[30 Jan 2006|11:03pm]
i miss you guys. thinking of what i'm going to do this summer- maybe a month in new haven taking classes and subletting. maybe take pictures in arkansas? maybe new york, i might have a job at this publishing firm, or maybe back in la (ill be there at some point, that's for sure). not traveling though. im missing all the deadlines and no one wants to give me money. but. well. so i'm dropping my physics class. im trying to get a job but no one wants me. college is hard. my uterus hurts.

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[03 Jan 2006|01:20am]
i can't believe i'm going back in less than three days. where does my time go when i'm home? my mom told me she was really depressed i'm leaving, and that made me sad. it's not really fair how when i come home my whole family dynamic changes and my mom suddenly has someone to hang out with 24/7, and then when i leave everything gets turned upside down again. i really wish i could turn back time, but i don't know what i'd do differently. less solitaire maybe?

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[07 Dec 2005|03:08pm]
i just wrote a fourteen page paper. it was supposed to be five to seven pages.

if i get another slashie grade on this one, SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET SMACKED.

ummm, what else. back on le tranquilizers. whywhywhywhywhy. finals are hard.

i havent slept in 30 hours.
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[03 Dec 2005|01:55pm]
i feel like i can't connect with anybody anymore. i feel like nobody wants to listen.
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[29 Nov 2005|01:03pm]
i'm lonely.

tomorrow, final spanish composition. monday, spanish oral exam. tuesday, final poetry portfolio. wednesday, final english paper. sunday, final english exam and 5 hour final photo crit. monday morning, spanish written exam.

tuesday morning, home again.


let's all hang out when we're home- little mini-shindig. i miss you guys.
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[12 Nov 2005|04:01pm]
[ music | death cab ]

i can't believe how much things have changed.

two years ago i was planning a canned food drive and beginning something new. i hadn't even thought of yale, at least not for more than a moment.

one year ago i think i hit rock bottom here. five girls sitting around me, trying to help me wipe up the mess i'd become.

and here i am. alone, tired, working, jealous, and a little happy. but still, thanksgiving won't come soon enough.

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[10 Nov 2005|06:19pm]
im alive!

by monday, i have to have a paper, a poem, and a spanish presentation written.

then i have a private critique and a presentation on friday, then yale-harvard (!), then, then, THEN,


can't wait to see you guys.

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[24 Oct 2005|11:37pm]
today, i was walking home in the rain at 8:40 and i saw a middle-aged african-american homeless man standing outside the gate to jonathan edwards college, where i live (the gates are big rod-iron things that you need a key card to open). he stomped out his cigarette when he saw me, and after i went in and the two girls coming out came out, he slipped in the gate as well. i turned around and watched him go into one of the propped-open entry-ways with a black garbage bag, but the other two girls just kept on walking. a senior guy i know, who happens to be a prominent figure in the undergraduate organizing committee (super-liberal and somewhat controversial group on campus) walked by and i asked him if he thought it was weird that a homeless guy had just walked into entryway f.. he shrugged and asked me if i was sure he was homeless. with the recent wave of armed muggings by "15-18 year-old black males," racial profiling has become a big issue on campus. i ended up deciding to call the campus police, because i knew i would feel terrible if someone ended up getting robbed and i could have done something to stop it. twenty minutes later a cop knocked on my door and asked me to identify the man, who they had found with a hammer in his jacket and arrested. turns out he had a three-page rap sheet of burglaries, and when they apprehended him he seemed ready to use the hammer as an assault weapon. i had to go out and identify the guy, who was standing on the sidewalk in handcuffs cursing and yelling.

i can't decide which is more unnerving: the fact that he could have easily walked into my propped-open entryway and my unlocked room on the first floor right next to the gate, or the fact that i was the only one of FOUR people who thought to call the police when they saw a homeless guy walking into our residential college. i'm starting to realize that the wide majority of kids at yale have never actually witnessed or been the victim of a crime, and have somehow convinced themselves that all people, including vagrant felons, are essentially good and would never commit a crime against a fellow human being. (after all, the only people that malicious are republicans.) also unnerving is the fact that i still feel guilty that the man was arrested, even though he was about to commit a crime. he must have felt pretty shitty standing out in the 45 degree rain with handcuffs and no umbrellas.

so it's nothing new, but this is MY first crime in new haven.
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[21 Oct 2005|05:44pm]
it feels so much worse to have a crappy poetry or photography critique than it does to get a crappy paper grade. i can't think of what else to try.
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[12 Oct 2005|02:28pm]
the weather here is so unimaginably bad. it is 52 degrees and pouring, and i've been walking around all day in flip flops and a fleecie. whywhywhywhy. also, there is a wind and flood advisory in effect, and its not going to stop raining until SUNDAY. its already been raining for like 5 days.


i miss you guys! and california! in other news, yale is paying me as an ambassador to come back to la and do information sessions at (dun dun dun) van nuys and taft. yay for being a nationally identified 'ghetto school with smart kids.' yay for getting paid.

happy yom kippur!
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[26 Sep 2005|06:25pm]
im still alive! and writing lots of poems, which has diverted my creative/emotional attention away from the keyboard and onto something more tangible. but damn, the kids in my class are a lot harsher than you guys. hope all is well with everyone.. it's unfathomable to me that some of you (michelle! laura!) are JUST starting school. i have my first midterm tomorrow, haha.

things are interesting at school. depression is remarkably gone, but replaced by an icky sort of pms-impatience, which im trying to work on. classes are good, and i have yet to feel as though i'm sinking. incredible.

also i got attacked by a killer bumble bee today and almost peed my pants. i ended up running out of my room and waiting outside barefoot for matt to come save me. when he found out he had volunteered to kill a bumble bee, he wimped out too and we both ran. typical yale man.
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[17 Sep 2005|02:33pm]
You are folded into the space between the bathtub and the wall
in the yellowed marble bathroom.
The green rug is hanging on the towel rack
The faucet is still broken
And Dad is standing with his ear against the door.

The silences between us are unbearable,
Both of us covering our faces and forcing our pain back inward.

Even here,
Your heavy pauses speak louder than your lies.
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