Blurty for h is for hann_h and for ho-bag..

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Sunday, June 15th, 2003

Time:12:40 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
my new journal is

go see! go see!
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Monday, May 19th, 2003

Subject:big yawn...
Time:11:58 am.
today has been a tired, tired monday. i was feeling so horrible this morning that i took a nap in the nurse's room for two hours, after getting permission from the guidance counselor, of course. i'm feeling quite refreshed, actually. but kind of slovenly... my steps aren't quick like usual, is what i mean... i'm floating. but not tired at all anymore.

since my dad announced our going to new york, i've been making a list of places i want to go...
> various clothing stores that linnea would like
> some of my favorite designers' stores
> places i've never been before, namely LES and a real new york record store. how exciting...
> whitney museum
> window shopping in manhattan... a long walk, maybe by myself...
> back to the american craft museum

it's longer than that, but now it's time for lunch...
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Thursday, May 15th, 2003

Subject:i haven't heard this song in so long...
Time:10:06 am.
someone in the computer lab is listening to "i'm addicted to oi" and it reminds me soo soo much of old times. wow, that song sucks. every other song sounds just like it too... i have come to the realization that i really don't like the sound of electric guitars so much, never really did. maybe i'm being hasty though, i do like the sound of helium and they have electric guitars, kind of.

whhyy does everyone play computer games? what a waste...

anyway, my dad announced a couple days ago that after yale camp the whole fam is going to New York City. i'm so so excited. i'm even making a list of places to go in the city because last time i felt so out of sorts, and i ended up leaving feeling like i did nothing. maybe my mom will let me walk around alone... no, maybe not. but, as i learned from my family's chicago visit, i'm becoming less and less enamored with museums, therefore i become really bored walking around (and around and around [i'm speaking of the art institute of chicago]) them, even when gawking at kandinskys and o'keefes. aargh, i just wish i had been in new york to see the quilts of gee's bend exhibit... heavenly. i am as enamored with quilts as my mom is, unfortunately, especially southern quilts. but OH MY! a louise bourgeois exhibit will be at the whitney when i'm in town! be still my heart!!

xx/oo hannah

ps, canada cares more about civil liberties than the US...
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003

Subject:what a rebel i am.
Time:1:29 pm.
i'm writing in a laptop computer with wireless internet. a first for me.

today i've been incomparably tired and just not ready for school. one would think i'd be ready with two days of school already, but not with my medicine, i guess.

we're writing answers to these questions that are a full assault on my intelligence... see the entry about my english teacher, because that's who wrote them.

and i also think i've written about the stupid book we're reading. i mean, really shitty, man. i guess i should "contribute" now!
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Monday, May 12th, 2003

Time:7:52 pm.
today was hardly interesting. some funny (bio class: we're studying reproduction in humans: "isn't blastocyst a pokemon?" ehr.)... amusing. but at large, school was monotone. really dumb, even. the thing that annoys me the most is my stupid english teacher. he thinks of the most mildly inventive question to ask about whatever book we're reading and points it out at least three times, just to make sure we know how clever he is. otherwise, he's a terrible speaker & writer. really. hi, i'm venting.

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Sunday, May 11th, 2003

Subject:the new age of vacuity
Time:9:37 pm.
as it is on my mental list of websites to check every once in awhile, i went to to see if there's been an update there lately. it came over me that, wow, i really don't find this as interesting as i did before. it's diluted and meaningless to people... just another way to lean in to a certain crowd. maybe i'm one of few young people still interested in the aesthetic meaning and the process of being pierced/caring for a piercing. it seems the attitude towards piercing is more of that of a trend than a life commitment or a spiritual matter. it seems ludicrous that i, of all people, can be disallusioned with the fact that piercing is commonplace in modern culture... maybe i'm the only kid that likes to be pierced for the headiness of the experience & the primal experience of... eh, i don't know how to explain this.

its time for shower & bed.
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Time:2:24 pm.
Mood: mellow.
last week seemed surprisingly short. happy about that.

i went out for ethiopian at Addis Ababa on friday night with ben & his mom. it was so so good. really good. then we went to see a mighty wind. it was a good movie, although not as funny as spinal tap or waiting for guffman... the newspaper said it was "heartwarming," and i quite agree with that.

on saturday i went to independence center with ben & we went to hot topic. i'm always curious about the state of mainstream culture, and hot topic was totally not encouraging. lots of really young kids looking at piercing jewelry and scheming about how to get their hands on the various black baggy pants, seemingly all sharing the 60-dollar pricetag. yikes. but i did notice that there was quite a diverse crossection of "alternative" cultures represented by the staff, just more emo/mod kids. despite my taste in music, i don't like them much. mostly because they spend so much time on their hair/looking just right. it's a personal complex i'm going to have to get rid of. maybe its the fact that they all seem to wear fake old t-shirts, which seems a bit misrepresentative (though i'm not one to quantify misrepresentation [see third paragraph])... if you're gonna pretend to be a thrift shopper, stop it. it's annoying. and i thought white belts/ties were overwith. i guess not in the suburbs. eeeh. i'm being overly judgemental. stop it, hannah. anyway, i bought a Ladytron record and a Hot Hot Heat CD because it was on sale, it's not so good. don't buy it.

so then on saturday night, i went target with my mom after a minor family-wide freak-out pertaining to a ride to a party my sister was going to. i had a gift certificate to spend there, so i bought some stuff. nice-smelling perfume & a woven fake leather belt & a surprisingly thin and stretchy sweater. but then i realized that my mom forgot my gift certificate. i bought the stuff anyway. whatever. my mom bought mothersday presents for herself: garden snippers & clippers & loppers & croppers (i don't specifically remember the names, they just rhymed like that.). i love to hate consumerism. absolutely love it.

so then i stayed up late because i couldn't fall asleep... read a magazine and tried in vain to sleep. got to bed, i guess, around 1am. woke up today at noon. so it feels quite like morning still, though it's almost three.

i'm going to go slowly get ready for a LGBT brainstorming meeting at 5pm. how objective this post is of me.
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Thursday, May 8th, 2003

Time:9:45 pm.
Mood: amused.
i just bought the sonic youth/erase errata 7" from the narnack records buddy series... god, i'm so nonchalant about everything besides records. i'm so covetous of music, i need to change this...
Read more... )

goddamn, i'm all giddy. and i'm reveling in the simpleness of paypal... geex, i don't even need to spend 37 cents for a stamp or anything... what fun. but i'm kind of sad that it's eventually gonna kill my career in mail-art. i hope i don't give in to this.

in other news, i went to another speakers bureau meeting for the lgbtyvppkc (again, need a shorter title madly.) i told my "story" of "becoming" queer & sounded completely insincere and full of questionable reasons for being bisexual. my psychologist also thought i was faking it, in short, because i don't feel shame towards my feelings for other women. aargh, i hate sounding fake.

good night. xx/oo hannah
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Wednesday, May 7th, 2003

Time:6:40 pm.
Music:NBC news in background, yo..
so yesterday was my birthday... it was a good day, i guess. if i didn't go to school, it would have been better, but there's not much i can or could do about that, right?

so, you're probably wondering what i got for my birthday... well, this is what i got, baby.
> a pecan pie birthday cake
> a new silver keyring from my mama jane & papa gene
> a target giftcard... i wonder if i can exchange for cash?
> Read more... )

> a Nikon CoolPix2000 digital camera
> a Tom Waits LP from beni (i <3 tom waits)
> dinner at Genghis Khan with my family & beni.

and that's about it! i'll be taking pictures of my lovely family & self & surroundings for you all to see in the future with my camera, and that will be nice... it'll become one of those blogs that one only goes to to see the pictures, which was my main goal in the beginning. a joke.

& i just sent off pictures of my nose piercings to so i can hopefully become an member. it's only for so long that I can look at pictures of the mods on anonymous people-- i want to see the people that have them, i guess. it's fascinating, this whole body modification idea. i have an addiction to becoming acquainted with new kinds of aesthetics... the look and feel and taste people want to project. & i'm overintellectualizing. but it's true.

and WHOA... the pastor at the church that had the arsenic poisonings is in New Sweden... and my pastor uncle knows the pastor of that church... more on this when i get the facts straight...
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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003

Subject:birthday day. (a bit redundant)
Time:9:53 am.
so it's my birthday. people sang to me in Latin class.. happy birthday in latin... i felt really guilty because i hadn't done my homework, but no one checked it, so that was fine, i guess.

my mom made me a crown out of lilacs, just like she did when i was little. but the old ones were made of daisies. i'm wearing the crown right now... it's very pretty.

so the day is going as planned, although i'm really tired & i want to go home badly. but i think i'll make it.

ben is here. he's a hooooooe, i guess...
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Monday, May 5th, 2003

Subject:tomorrow is my barfday.
Time:9:06 pm.
Mood:systematic, i guess..
Music:mama jane's mmmystery tv show. all they watch is mysteries...
yes it is. busy day...

this is what will happen, if it goes as planned...
> get to school on time, try to last all day through school. ehr.
> wear birthday candle shirt. it's hott, i swear.
> after school (3pm) go to meeting @ community center (4pm) with kjerstin.
> schlep around ATC with kjerstin... dad gave me money, which makes me happy.
> get a ride home with the girl with the car. should be around 5:30.
> get home, call beni, pick up beni.
> pile family into car and go to mongolian grill, motherfuckers.
> get stuffed on yummy food.
> go home. sleep.

what a plan.
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Sunday, May 4th, 2003

Subject:bead show & such...
Time:2:54 pm.
Music:erase errata......
i just got back from the "bead blast" with my mom & mama jane. it was tiring... i seem to find all bead shows quite tiring lately. i bought two sterling rings with old glass buttons set into them... i bought them from this cool lady that makes all sorts of great clasps and such out of antique buttons. and i bought a whole bunch of strands of glass beads. all different colors and shapes, just the way i like it. i used my mom's tax number to buy them with so i'd get a discount, which i think is legal. not sure. but i digress...

junie is such a funny dog. ugh, makes me crazy.

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Time:10:01 am.
Mood: calm.
Music:soophie nun squad... ehr..
sunday morning. you know.

my grandma's here, and occupying all of my extra time and all of my happiness... lots of fake laughing at lame anecdotes and half-listening to rants. i'm dreading when papa gene wakes up... probably after noon though. so i have some sane time.

geez. i found a person who knows my old friends. wow, super. no, really.

my masochisitic sense kicks in & i add her. doh. they all kind of remind me how much i don't want to stay in kansas city. but not in a bad way. purely because i admire them too much to stay & be a scene rat. it's the "scene" that makes me feel alienated from kansas city, mostly. i always felt alienated from the city, it just took a "scene" for it to make me know.

i saw richie restivo at planet sub a week or so ago. it totally sucks when former friends deny your presence. and it reminded me how fucked up the "scene" is... it's weird, but in a totally dramatic way i feel really fucked over by my old friends.

xx/oo hannah
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Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

Subject:disgruntled for various reasons...
Time:10:41 am.
as the subject says, i'm disgruntled for various reasons at the moment... not anyone's fault, by the way, besides for my own. these are the reasons:::

a) the farmer's market isn't on today & i made plans to go with ben. frustrating, man.
b) my dumb grandparents are coming.
c) they're gonna be here on my birthday (papa gene is going to want to listen to the music i bought, and he'll go on & on about how he "doesn't get it," just like he didn't get the glue in the hair and the "ugly" boots etc.), therefore, my birthday's going to suck this year... arrgh sweet 16... what a crock...
d) i don't know how to drive away from this situation.
e) mama jane's going to bring me some gift certificate to "best buy" or something, and expect me to find something i like there. i hate machinery/electronics. or she'll bring me some piece of furniture/subscription to seventeen magazine. frustrating again, although the pictures are nice to tear out & burn.

despite the anger, i'm doing quite well this morning. i woke up at 6:40am and ordered one of those free movies from the "indemand" channel. how convenient it is to watch a movie when you want to watch it & not miss the beginning/end & be able to stop it and stuff when one wants? verrrry convenient. but i digress. i watched blue vinyl (warning: this opens as a PDF file), one of my favorite documentaries. and i love documentaries. especially ones about normal people transcending generations of stupidity & ignorance. i digress again. it's about how dangerous PVC/vinyl is to the earth in it's creation & destruction, basically, and the diseases and hurt it causes families.

it kept reminding me of the lead conflict my mom caused at my school when i was little. linnea got lead poisoning from her school environment, and the school denied it. i think this type of situation can be applied to a spectrum of cases, again, the "little" person forcing some knowledge into the heads of the huge giant. i love this dichotomy. it's a universal paradigm, i guess.

and wow! now that i look at it, judith helfand et al's company produces some good documentaries. i've seen this one about fascists produced by working films, apparently. such fun.

and i bought some stuff for myself for my birthday... cds & records... they're up on my list, assuming i get them all in the mail...
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Friday, May 2nd, 2003

Time:10:14 am.

i'm restless and i'm wearing a dress that's too tight. and it wasn't too tight a week ago. this is frustrating...
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Thursday, May 1st, 2003

Subject:did anyone else see...
Time:5:38 pm.

aaagh what a tool... i don't like him.

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Subject:the last few days...
Time:9:49 am.
Mood: cynical.
Music:etta james in my head....
i've been unexplainably lethargic for awhile. it takes me an hour of solid activity for my thoughts to become cohesive and my speech to not sound, well, tired. it's weird.

further, i've been thinking up many projects to take up once summer vacation/weekend starts. namely:
> adding a feather to my hat. yes, really. i swear, it'll look okay.
> making mixtapes for summer & finding my headphones (ugh, they're lost. bummer.)
> finding a way to get a livejournal account, encouraging more petty babble.
> finding more complete sources on alternative families/GLBT education for kids.
> finish denim dress (i've been working on a denim shirtdress since winter vacation. currently, it's sitting on my bed in pieces, as it has been for the last 3 months. it will be finished.

tomorrow is the brookside art fair, and i'm kind of looking forward to it... i just hope i'm not tired all day. how frustrating it is to be tired all the time. i want to find a way to implement my fascination with history & literature & art & craft & sociology, without falling asleep. it just seems so much more attractive to just turn off my brain. it's much easier than thinking, you know.

xx/oo hannah
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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003

Subject:manic episode.... waiting for my mom to come pick me up...
Time:1:28 pm.
having a manic episode feels like your brain is boiling when it thinks. my brain doesn't make a straight arrow to a thought, but one that reverberates off of a hundred sides of my brain, and i feel each hit with a throbbing pulse. i wish that with all the medicine i'm taking it could be controlled.

god, i can't even think of the words right now...
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Monday, April 28th, 2003

Subject:great crap.
Time:4:58 pm.
i made a new website. kind of.

i've still been doing a lot of thinking. loads of it. completely unexplainable, of course.
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Friday, April 25th, 2003

Subject:all this shit.
Time:9:22 pm.
i'm so tired of:
> territorialism
> self-absorption
> lying
> greed
> elitism
> backhanded hate towards self & others

these are all qualities i have.

and it's all rushing back to me. all the bad things about myself feel like they stack up in a huge pile, completely daunting-- i'm unable to make an effort to make things better.

i just feel like i'm going to need to make some changes in my life... try to get away from the bad things, and face myself, in a more deliberate way, toward whatver good can come of me. however cliched, i'm reevaluating my life. i'm thinking back through my schedule right now. i spend too much time on the computer & too much time watching vacuous television. i need to make time to PONDER, write, make things, and read.

this sounds so much better in my paper journal.

xx/oo hannah

ps, i bought my birthday present on the internet today...
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Blurty for h is for hann_h and for ho-bag..

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