|Friday, November 28th, 2003|
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2003|
i've had the most fucked up dream last night...im so confused about things right now...about everything
|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
i had the greatest weekend....i love my life and my friends...even though times get tough i know i can get through it all because of katie...she helps me great through everything and its so great to have her in my life...i would help her with anything i could/can...like this matt thing for instance...i know how much she loves him and it makes me so mad when he hurts her like he does but at the same time i totally understand...i know all 2 well about this sort of thing...i haven't been the best friend about that but i am now going to give her all the support i can give her because i know how hard it is for her to love and be in love with someone whom many don't approve of...and yes he makes me angry but he makes her happy and as long as he does that hes fine by me but the moment he hurts her don't expect me to be happy with him...like today all she tried to do was call him and call him but there was no getting through to him and all she wanted to do was talk to him...man i know all to well about that and it drives me crazy because she shouldn't have to go through that...ahh men are stupid creatures sometimes but you can't live with them and you def. can not live without them...not two ways about that but im hapy but all i have to say to kt is "multiplayer Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: mest- until i met you
|Monday, November 17th, 2003|
i was just looking over some of my past entries and well lets see i haven't givin you the update on jesse hes been dating this girl lauren for a while now prolly a little over a month hes so into her its insane its kind of like im jealous but i've been talking to justin a lot lately and we both can't stand her she sounds like a man shes freakin gross of course jesse would go for someone like her but hes a dick anyways i just seem to love guys who are complete and utter assholes...is there something wrong with that picture or not? all i want is to find a guy whos not so much an asshole who can be one but not always sweet cute and of course into me which doesn't happen very often i've only dated one guy who i truely liked and well that was mike so that didn't last long seeing as how he ended up in N.C. mother fucker ...i miss him...i wish i knew what to do sometimes
la de da
isn't it the strangest thing fallin for a friend? however it happens to me all the time but i never act on it...sometimes i wonder what it would be like to actually act on the feelings i have for these people how things would turn out...i suppose you all know who i am talking about at least katie does...this guy he is truly amazing yet terribly moody and over sensitive like me...and he knows how to push all my buttons damn him...shit head...cassie doesn't work tomorrow how much does that suck...a lot acutally....tomorrow diane, cass and majorie have off they all suck but i have off on tuesday...im supposed to hang out with kyle sometime soon cass doesn't think he will so i guess if shes right well...then we all know the truth and this walt guy from work hes been really mean to me lately always pickin...never ends....oh well...thats life i guess...katies back with matt which im happy for her but not for him what he did was so shittie if i were her i wouldn't go back to him if my life depended on it...well thats not true we all knew if my life depended on it it wouldn't matter i've had guys do some shittie things to me and im always going back no matter what because i am in a serious state of denial i let people walk all over me its like i wear a sign that says please walk all over me i some how like it...even though i don't i still allow people to do it because yes ladies and gentlemen i am insane...i still hold that hope that they didn't mean it even though i know in my brain they did but my heart always tells me different...and we all know i don't think i feel ....i react on my feelings not my rational thinking...which might i add...speaking of which im not sure if i told you or not that dan and i have talked and well....yeah we might hang out on tuesday but i hope my mom doesn't find out she said if she ever found out we were talking again she would kick me out and now that we are supposed to be hanging out on tuesday who knows how she would react..well anyways im going to get back to my movie liars moon..horrible movie but i still need to see how it ends...post back later
Current Mood: duh
Current Music: stacys mom
|Friday, November 14th, 2003|
Your Heart is Blue What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla
You know everything about good charlotte!!!Good Charlotte brought to you by Quizilla
You are not all that depressed. Some of the time
you just like to be alone for a while and just
think about what life has given to you. You
like life, but sometimes you would just like to
be left alone. you like hanging around people
though. You are a pretty social person. So
dont worry, you arent depressed.Are you Depressed? brought to you by Quizilla
|Fucked up day
So today was fucked up let me just tell you that i was in a car accident tonight which was one of the scariest things thats happened to me this far because unlike my last car accident that was by the way much worse i had no control over this one and it was jsut so horrible for me with my aniexty and plus someone was in the car with me...jon...i feel like such a jackass because i was totally losing my mind infront of jon but i couldn't help it because thats just how i react to situations like that...i panic....hello i have panic disorder...then after that whole ordeal i called dan and we talked for a good 20 mins and well...i don't know ...things are getting better if we can keep this up he said the only thing he doesn't miss about our friendship was how i needed to be reassured from him that he didn't hate me when it wasn't needed and i know it wasn't needed and i don't know whats wrong with me i usually don't care what people thing unless i really care about them the more i care the more i worrie and well its just tough but i think we are getting past this tough time and i hope things get better from here..i am so...i can even explain what it is that i am so im gonna go lay down for a bit then i;ll be back Current Mood: soreCurrent Music: Creed- What if
|Thursday, November 13th, 2003|
You know we've been friends since 9th grade not really friends but we knew each other and said hi in the passing...then 11th grade i came to know you more from being in homeroom together which was fun you were kind of cocky but hey its ok because sometimes people get that way esp. in the early morning hours...im not really 2 sure how we became good friends senior year but something happened and you became one of my closest friends out there...things happened and we were there for each other...if you would have a problem i would try and bail you out even if it wasn't possible for me to do alone i would try and i would do everything in my power to make things better for you...and you helped me out in sticky situations 2 that i do not prefer to talk about in here through this but you know what im talking about...we did like everything together..it would get to the point when people would ask me where the hell you were if you were sick in school and your mom even asked me a few times where u were...i had such a great time with you...you were just such a fun person and a great friend...then all of a sudden out of the blue you just shit on me repeatedly time after time after time and i just don't know how to feel about this..i don't even know how to describe what it is im trying to say to you...towards the end of us hanging out you would just make plans with me and never show and you've even lied to me..you would say rude things treat me like a piece of shit even though i did everything i could to help you and even though i did all that i didn't and still don't expect anything from you but the fact that you could treat me like i mean nothing to you and maybe i do mean just that...it just absolutly blows my mind i tried so hard dan...then one day out of the blue you just stopped taking my calls put a stop to everything all at once for no reason...at least one that you won't tell me about...you have no idea just how much that hurt and i just want you to know that i will never in my life put myself in that situation for you to shit on me again...you say you want to be friends again but how do i know? talk is cheap...i place the ball in your court now and you can do with it as you want im offically handing it over to you...if you want to talk im always here and you know that...i will be here until the day i die for you just because thats the type of person i am...i care about you dan and all i want is for you to be happy well i deserve to keep myself happy 2 and i can't keep wondering what i did to you to make you do this i just can't because if i do do that i won't be happy...if you just want to talk or hang out even just give me a call you have the number or if not you know someone that does...i just really want to know the reason why? why did you do this?? what did i do wrong??? please just tell me i deserve to know i have the right to know...i would do anything for you dan .....and i did who was there when your car got towed or when all that shit went down with all those other people who was there for you when u were in all that trouble??? after everything i did you can just throw away the friendship...and im not saying that im perfect or anything or that you owe me that because you don't owe me a damn thing but if you really cared about me you would tell me why u treated me like that i know i keep repeating things over and over again but i just dont understand and im just trying 2 so damn hard....damnit dan....but even if you don't tell me im totally over it now yes i will still be wondering why but it no longer hurts i will be fine never knowing...i will be fine if all you want is to just say hi in the passing or not even that if you don't ever want to talk again because that is all behind me you just got to let me know what you want no matter what im totally fine with it but no matter what you will always be the reason i say damnit ...damnit dan its all your fault ...even though its not its just something fun to say ....and i will always care about you and love you for the person you are and the friend u once were Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: so yesterday
|Wednesday, November 12th, 2003|
SELENE: You are selene!
fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would
destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by
the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene
is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite
Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the
Lycans extinct. This 127-year-old
"aggressive hunter of the underworld"
combines a mastery of ancient weaponry with
modern pleasures, such as driving Jaguars and
using computers. However, Selene's ambitions
are suppressed by Kraven. She longs for
Viktor's reawakening so that he becomes the
Vampire's regent once again.
you could be a vampire?href="http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Archangel
Click Here to become a Vampire! Which UNDERWORLD character are you? brought to you by Quizilla
My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Seems like you are not in big trouble. Actually,
this result is actually BETTER than average.
You will have a perfect job. You will make a
lot of money. The job that you will have is
being a kind of doctor. You will not marry.
Many (wo)men will like you or did like you in
your college, but you don't think anybody is
good enough for you. You will live in a two-
story house when you are older. Two stories all
for you is good enough for you! You will have
many dinners in your house. The bad news is
that you will be very lonely and sad - perhaps
almost depressed when you are older. Yes, you
will think that money is not everything in your
life. Feel good young man. You will not bald
/*_*\ Your hair will be the same as it is right
now. You will feel that you are one of the
prettiest/handsome (wo)man there is for your
age /*_*\ You will be the over average (wo)man.
In your future, nothing will hurt you. Only
pain on the outside. When you are 87 years old,
you will die of painful cancer.
The Quiz of Luck - What Will Happen In Your Future?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a disgusting coward. You don't deserve it,
but I suppose you might be a little bit braver
if you were already dead.
here to become a vampire Does Death Become You? brought to you by Quizilla
i just looked at the post before my last one and of course it was on Nov. 4th the day heidi died but see it was almost 1 in the mornin but i was just writting about how nothing new had been goin on....gee what the fuck was i thinking?
Well this has been the most fucked up week ever...first last tuesday i wake up to katie knocking on my door and i hear her crying and i was so scared that matt dumped her or something like that to find out that my dance buddy died in a car accident...Heidi Lingle...that day was a complete blur...i remember babysitting michael but don't ask me about it because i don't really remember that much about it and then after that we went to eatnpark and no one was there not that we were in the right state of mind to see people besides leeann and then we went to see jon because we were told that the next day jon was gonna get his pein peirced which he did by the way and we went to see him...then we went back and talked to paul for like 20 mins and went home because of katies curfew then the next day i worked and i absolutley broke down when i saw heidi's shit on the news it was so hard that day and then the next night i was having a rough day and then i called katie to see if she was goin to school on friday and then she tells me that matt broke up with her and holy shit what perfect timing...so she wanted me to stay with her at tashas so i spent the next 5 nights there...i called off on friday and i don't really remember friday either i know we went to eatnpark and we went to see jon on his break but thats all i really remember it was a really odd weekend....oh yea i got my nipples pierced on friday just for the hell of it i guess...and then saturday morning was the memorial service were i absolutly broke down when shea, Dan hoover and Amber lingle read their letters and such it was the most horrible thing i've ever gone through this far...then we went shopping in altoona and some old lady fell at the olive garden but because we helped her we got a free meal and then we uh...came home went back to eatnpark which nobody was there and then went back to visit jon oh yea mark was working friday and saturday as well and he was being mean on saturday...sunday we drank went to eatnpark drunk but nobody was there but leeann and uh..monday we drank a little before we went and jesse and paul were there and let me tell you i haven't seen jesse in over a month and what a way to say hello to me he was being such a fucking dck i coul dhae just kicked him square in the balls i didn't do anything to him for him to treat me like shit and that was pretty much the first time jesse was ever really rude to me or was mean...he always told me what kind of a dick he was and im all no no no your not a dick..pulease was i ever wrong and then oh yea on sunday night i started talking to dan again and i was bawling cuz i was letting all my feelings out and felt so good to have them out in the open yet it was like oh god why did i have to do this to myself why couldn't i be strong and not let him see me in such a shape even though he knew i was drunk it was just a lot pain and it was really hard but if we can become better friends because of it so be it...then let me see what else jesse was a dick blah blah blah....he hates the fact that i think kyle is such a great guy he thinks that dan is just a piece of shit whose gonna steal from me again and what else just a bunch of negative things which isn't cool because you need to look on the bright side of things...then there was jon...katie called jon had him come to eatnpark and then he came over to tashas with us around 2 and stayed till 7....and yea that was my week in a nut shell and let me tell you i could use a better one Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: Simple Plan- Perfect
|Tuesday, November 4th, 2003|
you know its been so long since i've been going to eatnpark everyday...now i go once a week but this week so far its been twice i know holy shit um...i dont know what to write about nothing interesting has been going on...on Friday..halloween i dressed up like a slut for work and mina and her husband joe were daisy and donald duck um....heather wore her pjs melissa wore a witches outfit and that's about it...we were the only cool ones..and um...i dunno nothing really i've been drinkin all weekend
|Tuesday, October 21st, 2003|
Well its been awhile since i've last written in this damn thing and well a lot has happened lets see...like the fact that jesse now has a girlfriend...from what i understand from what katie has told me shawn wants to talk to me...um steve i guess has a thing for me and well obviously jon does too and i dont really know what to do im not really sure if i like jon or not i just don't feel like i want to be tied down at the moment i know i have in the past but right now i really dont i want to go out and have fun no worries i dont want to have to limit myself when it comes to hanging out with guys for fear that someone would get jealous and well guys i just want you all to know that i am 100 percent over jesse i just see him as a friend now no interest and i don't even know if i view him as that much because well hes just well jesse and this whole jon thing has me confused katie wants me to go for that and i just dont know if its really what i want right now u know and no katie im not saying anything bad about you or what not or i don't feel pressured im just well i just don't know...i mean when im with him its the most confusing thing because i think its the whole attention thing again...i love attention and it makes me think i like someone when really what i like is the attention its self so i have to figure all this bullshit out and i kinda like justin but you know he just fucked some slutty sarah girl saturday night can we say eww...so nasty so nasty...i mean yea shes pretty and all but she is a slut regardless because well shes engaged and sleeping with other people yes she has an open realtionship and all that but still sick!!! well im tired and i don't know what else to bitch about so here goes this Current Mood: uncomfortableCurrent Music: sublime- Date Rape
|Wednesday, October 15th, 2003|
|Saturday, September 27th, 2003|
|oh my happiness
I'm so happy...I got to spend 2 hours with Jesse and it was just us and we got to talk about everything under the sun...he told me things that nobody else knows about him and I mean I'm just so happy getting to spend time with him just him makes me realize just how special he is and how anyone would be lucky to have him to bad leeann has to be a dumb guinea...I hope someday Jesse can feel half of what I'm feeling for him for me...
I GOT FLOOR TICKETS FOR GOOD CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got them for katies birthday ...thank god they are coming because wow damn I love good charlotte esp. benji and joel :o) can we say hotties????? shut up Justin no one asked you hehe
By the way I miss Justin...he's such a great guy...notice my journal mostly is all about my updates on guys and well there's only 3 guys I talk about Jesse, Justin and Dan...I mentioned Jon a few times as well...how strange hehe I know I'm just boy crazy I guess or something like that and to think my mom thinks I'm a lesbian...what a fucking moron...fucking retard! I mean hello can we say I'm a tad bit obsessed with boys...(exactly what most of them are BOYS)
back to Jesse well things for us would be good if things would ever come about because well we have so much in common and enough to not have in common I mean it doesn't really bother me that he thinks I'm a freak for the whole animal rights thing I get a lot of shit but you know he is only kidding when he freaks out about it...and let me see he hates penis he think penis is a big dickhead and he told me he was going to break shawns kneecaps for me :o) I know he's just kidding obviously but it was funny I had such a great time with him last night I just can't stop smiling its so great to be this happy over something to so petty its just wonderful...but I would be totally embarrassed if he ever found out about this let me tell you...not that he would because well he never gets on the Internet...he hasn't checked his e-mail in over a week... you know what he was thinking about getting a shower last night but I talked him out of it because I wanted to play with his hair today but I never made it to eatnpark which I guess is kind of sad but I don't really care I mean at least he doesn't think I don't have anything better to do than go to eatnpark every night and well I haven't heard from Mickey in a couple days but he's now home...I forget his home number though oops...right now I'm talking to Jon baker...I'm not even really paying attention right now I'm just thinking and what I'm thinking I just seem to type so I better be careful before I forget what I'm doing and just starting thinking stuff I don't want others to know about...besides Katie because she knows everything...Jesse shhhh except one thing hehe ....just playin girl I love you and you know it and I am going to tell you everything before I tell anyone else well I don't know what else to write so I think I'm going to go smoke a cigarette Current Mood: giddyCurrent Music: good charlotte- say anything
|Thursday, September 25th, 2003|
|CONFUSED ......damn it Jesse
Well I hung out with Jesse today...and well I don't know what to think about him...I'm in denial majorly...I just won't let myself think that he's an ass hole...I just won't let myself believe it...its just not right that all I do is run into ass holes! I feel there's something special about him...even more special than Dan...is that possible? yes yes I am afraid it is...I know this may sound crazy maybe psycho I'm not sure maybe both but he was depressed today and I could just totally feel it...I could feel his pain I don't know I know it sounds odd but I could...and he was so upset about stuff which I know what it was about...it was about leeann but you know he was the one that fucked it up as well as I fucked up everything with my friendship with Jon and he is totally mad at me by the way Katie...I guess it doesn't matter that I wasn't the only one involved I'm the only one he's mad at and well back to Jesse we were talking about penis and he's totally glad that I don't have those feelings for penis anymore he "the only rational thought" I am close to or so he says and then I don't know and he is so into drugs anymore well not drugs just weed I do believe and I just want to help him I don't know I mean he did say he was trainable and when I was leaving he was like what no hug screw you hippie and of course I gave him a hug :O) I don't know I'm so confused I'm sooo sooo confused Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: lil kim- magic stick
|Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003|
what is there to say? Im not really to sure of anything myself... tonight was fun because my katie bear was with me but other than that...it sucked hardcore...but i don't know because i sorta don't remember much about the night i think jon tired to kiss me??? but i don't know i don't understand what came over me when he called her and i hung up and i don't know i just don't know i feel horrible for my actions...i don't know i feel horrible all around...i don't know i just don't know Current Mood: stressed
|Saturday, September 20th, 2003|
cock n balls
life can suck my cocknballs
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2003|
Your magical style is Faery.
What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox
One of the best known Celtic goddesses is Aine,
Goddess of fertility, who is exceedingly
friendly to men and worshipped for her powers
of bestowing fertility, abundance and
prosperity. She is said to have mated with
several humans, having created a magical
fairy/human race. Aine once stole an Irish
Earl's cloak while he swam in a river, and
would not return it to him until he agreed to
marry him. You like guys, and love having them
around. You love the high life, and have the
tendency to judge a book by its cover.
What Celtic Goddess are You? (With pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
~ * Your Magic Fairy's Name * ~
Your fairy is called Bramble Iceglitter
She is a bone chilling revenger of widows
She lives in leafy dells and bluebell glades
She is only seen in the light of a shooting star
Your Magic Fairy's Name * ~
Your fairy is called Hex Goblinwand
She is a bringer of riches and wealth
She lives in places hexed and tainted by black magic
She is only seen when the seer holds a four-leafed clover
|well I now know the truth
I know that people have been lying to me...I can not say how I know or why I know or what it is they have been saying but I do in fact know that I have been lied 2 for damn near 6 months and it fucking sucks....I found out by numerous amounts of people actually but lets talk about kewl fun things...like the fact I talked to Justin last night for a good 30 mins I miss the boy like crazy...I miss him hardcore...but do know he misses me 2 well all of us...I miss him sooo much....oh yea and I talk to penis last night 2 for a good 30 mins as well...I missed him 2 and well he was happy to hear from me :o) well that's what I got out of the conversation...great friends great people all but a few actually...I'm watching the exorcist and I have no fucking clue what's going on to be honest but that guy have a fucked up eye must be a cataract....sleepy I'm so sleepy...I feel like rambling...ramble ramble I'll write more later when I have more to say and I'm not pissed off Current Mood: uncomfortableCurrent Music: none acutally the exorcist is on