|Music:||nin - perfect drug|
we almost finished but we didn't. things were going alittle to out of contorl and for some reason it has been since sunday. but he asked yesturday and i said yes so we almost did but it hurt too bad and i made him stop. he stopped which is good, i respect that. he could have been a total asshole and not listened to me and finished, but he didn't. i love him so much and if i do end up doing it, no matter what he's going to be my first i don't care what happens. but yea...
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|Music:||tori amos - proffesinal widow|
it's not winter and yet there is snow on the ground and i am locked in wonter's season.
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the angel has me trapped here. the angel wants me with her. i want to be with her but i also want to be with jon-mikale and tiffani. my mind is going to explode. what do i do?
|Music:||something on the radio that is playing on my computer|
in the land of dirt and plaster
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lies an army of a thousand nowhere kids
losing ground and falling faster
into a life that no one should have to live
we are the people that you hate
we are the bastards that you created (the fucking bastards that you created)
a generation with no place
a generation of all your sons and daughters
behind the fake family image
behind the smile of a thousand moms and dads
inside the cage that we've been given
i see an image of the future that we don't have
and what did you expect ... a perfect child
raised by tv sets ... abandoned every mile
we never get respect ... never a fair trial
no one gives a shit ... as long as we smile
|Music:||wait and bleed|
normaly i'd be in school right now, but i don't feel like being there. no actually there is a reason but i do not wish to discus it. i got a hair cut last night... so i look more like a boy then i'm suppose to and i am not allowed to hang out with jon-mikael for atleast a week. i do not know how i'm going to survive but i know some how i will. they day is going by so slowly but atleast i'm not in school. ...making a pie.
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so i'm sitting here watching this thing that is making different colors and playing to the music... which is currently slipknot. they're not such a bad band as i know realize. receantly i've wanted to cut... just slice down my arm's and sit in silence in my room... ready and waiting for death to come and claim me. when ever i do try to kill myself though nothing ever happens... death never comes. so why am i here?, what importance will i play in this world that makes it want me to stay here... alive and not dead?
why wont the let me die?, why do they threaten to keep me alive?
i didn't sleep much last night. my dreams were bothering me again as always. tony... my brother... is going out with briana. it's so weird. i feel like i've lost my bestfriend. but this is his first girlfriend maybe this will pass the more girlfriends he gets. but i hate this feeling. loosing a bestfriend, or someone close to you, isn't very comforting. it sucks, i feel like i lost him to her and i'm not really too sure i like her all that much. but i'll have to get used to it right?
well mike bailey is coming back december 12. i can't wait to see him, i haven't seen him in so long. i've missed him so much. i may sleep over laila's house friday. possibley, but maybe not. we'll see what happens. i don't know what will happen but we'll see right? two more days?
yesturday i hung out at jon-mikael's house as i always do. it was fun. i got so fried as i always do when i'm over there pretty much. school sucks as all hell and that's where jon-mikael is which i am glad because he needs to go to school. if he doesn't go to school then the courts will take over and make him go to placement like they did to jimmy, which would mean i woudn't be able to see him which would suck. being away from him this week already sucks, i can't stand being away from him for longer then a week, so months would just kill me.
a lot of stupid shit is happening in this world and i don't know if i even want to make sence of it. i know i probably can but just because i think i may know the results i don't want to try to make sence becaue what if i am right? the world would fall. michelle reminded me of angel. i don't want to think of her. i miss her so much but i can't get her back. death took her.
WHY HER WHY NOT ME?!!??!!?!
this world is sick
and god has a sick sence of humor
and when i die i think i'll find him laughing