Memi's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Memi

[ website | Deadjournal ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[13 Apr 2003|12:05am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Eurgh. Someone keeps hacking my f'in journals. I won't be using this one from now on x_x toodles.

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

rawr [07 Apr 2003|10:30am]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | "Part Of That World" From The Little Mermaid XD ]

Well it's Monday but I'm not at school. Why? Becuz my mom can't be bothered driving my sister and me, and she has errands to run. Besides that, our uniforms weren't cleaned. So, tadaa! I'm not at school. I thought I would be going at morning break, but mom didn't get up until 9:30, and our uniforms still need to be washed and etc. So, I'm not at school. Hoorah lol.

Apparently I need to get back into the habit of writing. Not just in my journals, but back into writing poetry and stories -_- I haf no inspiration, is that really my fault? Hm? Nope. I don't blame myself. I blame Artemis, Carrie and Paremie. Stupid muses, you're supposed to MUSE ya know?! I-N-S-P-I-R-E. And you can't even do your f'in jobs right?! What kind of muses are you, anyway!?
*ahem* Anywho... Ja, my muses are being slack lately *scowl* Of course, instead of doing their jobs they veg-out and argue with each other. ARGH! Especially Carrie And Mimi (Paremie), they're soooo petty! Oh c'mon, you KNOW you two are! And then there's Artemis! Jezzus! He's worse than anyone imaginable. Okay, so he's smart and poetic and philosophical and etc. BUT HE DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!!! D'you hear that, Arty!? YOU DON'T!!!! Rawr.

Okie, I'm done wif that...

I have nothing much else to say, really...t00dl3z

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

[05 Apr 2003|08:10pm]
[ mood | Miserable and bitchy ]

Well, Deadjournal isn't working, so Blurty is my alternative O.o;

I don't really have much to say... Actually, rephrase that. I have alot to say, but can't say it. Confusing.

I got the LP Meteora CD. Hoorah ^^. I'm glad about that. The songs are awesome, and I luff Mike lots. He's my fave LP ^^.

Tra lala... I am miserable and bitchy -_- why is it that no one seems to care? How fucking ironic x_x

I'm done for now. I plan to cut the fuck outta myself tonight. Fun.

-Nycki

sweet whispers

[04 Apr 2003|12:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Bruises" by Majandra Delfino ]

"Bruises" by Majandra Delfino

I can't stop thinking about cutting myself up
Visual bruises can be covered with make-up
But down to the core I'm all bruises
My little whore gives this excuses

How can this be rationalized?
Your brain has programmed all of those lies
What do you tell yourself about our situation?
How can you look at yourself without having some sort
of revelation?

How do you live with yourself?
How could you possibly hurt someone like myself?
The saddest part though, is I would take you back
You've turned me into some spineless hypocondriac

Now I tend to every last emotion
I'm just so caught up in this
I cannot grasp its hazed proportions

Alright now I'll be fair
I'll just pull you by your hair
I'll just kick you from time to time
And then I'll love you in the meantime

It will be just like before
I'll be your girl, you'll be my whore

I'm not an angry child
I don't run hot nor mild
But for some reason when it comes to you
I smile at the thought of hitting you

I smile at the thought of watching you die
I strive off the image of making you cry
I feed off the feeling of having you need
I lick the illusion of watching you bleed

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

Rrr... [01 Apr 2003|09:45pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | "Endless Sorrow" by Ayumi Hamasaki ]

Bleh.

So I finally open my eyes.
So I finally see the world.
So I finally realise...

----------------

I think my life is crap. Yes, I THINK. Not "I know". Not "I'm sure". I Think.
Every time I feel like REALLY complaining, something comes and "bites me in the ass" and proves that my life could - or SHOULD - be worse. Something I've noticed? I don't usually COMPLAIN. Okay, yea, I complain. But not to anyone in particular. All - or most - of my complaining is done via journal entries. For a long, long time I haven't complained to anyone. Not to their faces. Sure, in IM's I'll bitch a little. Complain some. But not anything big like I do in my journals. In fact, my journals must make me sould like a pretty conceited, spoilt little bitch, I'm guessing. I don't know, 'cause I can't read them and judge like other people - who hadn't written them - can.
Ashleigh made a fairly interesting "quote" on her journal.

"-when I'm walking the tightrope without a net, I don't fall. Strange enough, I always fall."


My reply?

"Even the best tightrope walkers need a net sometimes."


Jesus Christ, I really should stop complaining. Maybe my life isn't as bad as I think. Maybe I should just shut up. Who ever said they actually cared about my worthless life, anyway?

----------------
Life isn't as great as we'd like it to be.
1 broken promise| sweet whispers

[27 Mar 2003|05:30pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

*sniffle* ...Tara...killed...Cloud...

GOODBYE CRUEL WURLD!!!!! *stabs self* X_X

.....*ahem* Yes well... *huggles a headless Cloud* I haven't been to school for two days. I'm sick...again ._.
My mom wants to take me to the doctors and get them to check me - again - for i) depression, ii) schitzophrenia, and iii) bulimia.

Anywho...I'm going to go update character journals, make more Kouji and Kouichi icons, and finish talkin' to Patrick ^____^;;;

*sniffle* Poor...poor Cloudie....

5 broken promises| sweet whispers

FED UP! [27 Mar 2003|03:55pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Hamtaro on TV ]

Grargh. I'm so sick of my sister thinking she owns the fucking universe >.> And what's worse is that everyone lets her believe it too. I'm so fucking fed up with being pushed around and put down. I'M JUST FUCKING SICK OF IT! lol. Yea, I'm fucked off...Couldja tell?

sweet whispers

[26 Mar 2003|12:15am]
[ mood | tired ]

Buah! I'm in an ish-ish mood ^^;

My mom went to visit my godmother today, and then tonight, my godmothers daughter (and my best-ish friend since 2nd grade) turned up at our place. Hoorah ^_^ So I've had a good day! I finally got to catch up with my godmother (aka second mom - Cheryl) and bff (Best friend forever - Zara). So ya *grins stupidly* My life is getting somewhat back to what I would call NORMAL. Bleh. I do need some normalcy (Is that a word? O.o;) in my life nowadays. I've gotten preeeeeetty screwed up since about last year.

Well, over the weekend (Sunday?) I found out that one of my friends died...*sniff* I really don't think it's hit me in the face yet, cuz I keep putting off talking about it. I didn't even know her that well, but bluh, things like death really screw me over mostly.

Well I made more icons ^____^ I think I'm addicted! Buaha. But I don't regularly watch Frontier. So if anyone would kindly tell me which character is which, it'd be very much appreciated! ^^; I haf difficulty remembering which one's which... What with Taichi and Yamato always on my mind! I'm pretty sure Takuya's the Frontier "goggle geek" and Kouji's the one with the freaky hair and bandana...right? Tee hee...thats about all I know

Anyhow, I'm off to bed. Toodles!

sweet whispers

BISHIE!!!! [25 Mar 2003|07:15am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | My kitty-cat purring O.o;; Niiiice Kero-chan ^^;;; ]

It's official. I'm a mad anime fangirl.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*ahem* Anyways...
Why am I a mad anime fangirl? The bishies, dude, THE BISHIES!!!!
I'm completely and toooootally obsessed with...guess who! No, c'mon, GUUUEEESSS...You really wanna know?
*drum roll*
Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN!!! Sanosuke aaaaaaaaaand Yamato Ishida aaaaaaaaand Syaoran aaaaaaaaand TAICHI!!!!!! *laughs insanely*
*strokes the pretty bishie hair* They's all so cuuuuuuuute! Dontcha think? Sanosuke has veeeeeery sexy eyes and I luff his cheeky little smirk *giggle* Matt(Yamato) has kewl hair too! And hes just so...glompable! *glomps Ishida boii* And Syaoran! *squeals and hugs Li-kun* ADORABLE!!!! And last, but not least! Taichi!!! I luff his haaaaaaiiiiir *strokes* and his gogglessss *grins*
I'm bishie crazy!!!!

Anyways, enough of that madness right now, off I go on my endless search for bishie pictures! *runs off*

2 broken promises| sweet whispers

Buaha [24 Mar 2003|10:45pm]
[ mood | bored ]

DisorderRating
Paranoid:High
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:Very High
Antisocial:Moderate
Borderline:Moderate
Histrionic:Low
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:High
Dependent:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --

sweet whispers

MORE!!! [24 Mar 2003|02:29pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Gomenasai people, making icons is what I do when complete bordom sets in...and...I've been bored awhile now ^^;;

// // // // // //

2 broken promises| sweet whispers

[20 Mar 2003|05:40pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | "Crawling" by Linkin Park ]

Tra lalala... Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... In social studies, our teacher gave up all hopes of keeping us on one subject, because almost the entire class was involved in a conversation about either a)the "war" b)the so called meteor thing headed for Earth or c)the influenza/pneumonia epidemic. It was actually really interesting to hear what everyone had to say. Amy interested me the most, she got mad and etc. because of the whole war thing. Sadam Hussein (sp?) and Bush being at the same low-level and blah blah blah.
Then in english I had to talk to the Head of Department of English (aka HDE) and my english teacher because they liked my "story" and now they're entering it in short-story competitions and submitting it to a magazine (?!) funny how life works, sometimes.

So yea....

I need to think of some things to write in Maemi's journal O.o; I'm being lazy and blah-like. Anyways, I think I'll go do that right now *nods* Toodles!

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

Scary shyt, man. Scary shyt. [16 Mar 2003|09:00pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | TV ]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

A word of advice. Never watch The Blair Witch Project at night. It's one of the most fucking freaky movies in existance. I just finished with it and... "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" is all I have to say about it. My fucking god, it's some scary shyt lol.

But it's not like it could ever happen...Right?

Lmfao.

I'm gonna be scarin' the hell outta myself tonight... Maybe I'll sleep in my sisters room with her O.o; Yea, I'm a chicken, lol.

I'm so scaaaared! For those who have seen it: When Josh went missin' I was like, "Here we go, some action now" and he didn't come back O.O and then she found that...thing. *shudder* And I hate how it ends! OMG! Scary!!!! *sniffle* But Mike shouldn't'a died, cuz he's cool ^^.
For those who haven't seen it: GO SEE IT!!!!!

Other than that, I have bruises on my hands, wrists, arms, shoulders and I'm pretty sure my ribs are bruised too. Why? Because my "father" is a fucked up bastard. And guess what, my friends! I have to stay here five more days T_T I hate it here.

Well...I'm gonna go start watching Ghost In A Shell, see if I can get my mind off of that Blair Witch O.O; *shudder*

Love,
Nycki

4 broken promises| sweet whispers

Well... [16 Mar 2003|09:30am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | "Three Simple Words" by Finch ]

That was weird. I just had a convo with Joel about... *Dun dun dun* None other than MUSIC! He didn't think I was "into" punk? The hell? Of course I am! I LIVE ON PUNK AND SKA, baby! lol. That convo was actually alot of F-U-N O.O; Weird, I know! He got me some Finch songs O.o; Cuz I've never heard them before, and... I have another favorite band now! Seriously, they rock!!! Anyways, I'm off to listen to more punk. Late'z

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

[16 Mar 2003|02:00am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Radio ]

Tra la. I don't have much to say, and I'm gonna go to bed and sleep as soon as I'm done with this.

I just finished talking to Patrick. He said he was gonna come back later, so yea... lol. We've been talkin on MSN for ages though, so I guess he got bored lol. Which is understandable. I love him lotsa ^^;

Bluh, sorry for the short entry, im suddenly tired. Goodnight.

2 broken promises| sweet whispers

I think my IQ's gone down...I feel somewhat stupid. [13 Mar 2003|08:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

This is the post I put in my DeadJournal...


Okay, I've calmed down a little now. It's just my mom and me here right now (Yea, my sister went to some Y9 dance, and made mom buy her new clothes for it. Yep. Right about now she's probably with some guy with his sleezy hads all over her. Actually, no, that'd be wrong, cuz that slut won't let anyone under the age of fifteen touch her >.> Skanky lil' hoe.) so it's pretty cool, just being me and my mom and all. It's fun. Not so tense, and I'm actually somewhat relaxed O.o; which I haven't been since about a month ago. It's weird.

People are being so immature at school. It's suprising how many people self-harm. Because of Telina's little "Ordeal" there has been alot more talk about that sort of thing... There's quite a few in-girls (borders) who are like that, I discovered recently. And a few out-girls/day-girls too. And it's suprising that some people take it pretty well. I mean, you get people who laugh and mock and tease about it, like it's some big lame joke; then theres the worried/concerned people, who act all nice about it and go on and on about "how great you are" and etc etc etc, while treating you like glass/like you could break at any moment and pull out a blade and start slicing yourself (?!); and you also get the ones who are pretty casual about it. E.G. Krystal (Beca's friend) who was asking us about it in Art today, she insisted on seeing Beca's arms (Which aren't scarred much) and we managed to avoid her asking to see mine (Which wouldn't have been pretty because my arms and thighs are REALLY messed up right now).
But it is really strange how it's become so normal to us.

Anyway, as I said, people at school are being immature. Ever since friday alot of people have been focussed on "Suicide and Self-harm". There's even been the EXTREMELY immature people who've starting cutting just because other people are, and even a suicide note, which was written by someone (We haven't found out who the culprit is but the whole school knows about it already) and that someone signed someone elses name. It's so stupid, really. Which is annoying me, because theres all these people doing what we do, and just because they want the attention from it. Sickening. Eurgh.

Anyways...

I don't really have much else to say? I'm sick of having these suicidal tendancies though. There are times that I detest suicide and think it's stupid, and then a few hours later I'll be "off in my world" (Usually talking to Paramie - She's a very good person to talk to), and feeling like I honestly want to be dead. Grargh. It's aggrivating.

We were talking about God today, in our little group. Most of us are either christian or athiest. And the only ones who are athiest are the ones whose parents were never into the religion thing (like my parents) or who were born into a religion and had the guts to decide they didn't like it. It's suprising how many theories about God and death some people have. Yep, that's our little morbid group. All we chat about it Death and destruction *LMFAO*. Ya know what? Someday we should all come to school in black clothes, with pale make-up and black lipstick. It'd be fun to draw some attention to ourselves like that. Could call ourselfs "Hellkats" or "Satan's Angels" (Yea, I've done it before lol). It really is fun.

I'm done now. Ciao!

1 broken promise| sweet whispers

I Wish... [12 Mar 2003|09:30pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | "Third Watch" on TV ]

I wish...
That somehow, someway
Just maybe someday
The world might be perfect.

That there'd be no war
No fighting or hate
Peace and love
A eternal smiling faces
And belief in life

I wish...
That somehow, someway
Just maybe someday
I could smile and not feel like crying inside.

That I could laugh
without having to force it
And I could tell the world
My deepest darkest secrets
And not be so afraid.

I wish...
That somehow, someway
Just maybe someday
I could see you.

I could reach out
and touch your hand
and whisper "I love you"
barely loud enough
for you to hear it.

sweet whispers

Blabbering >.> [12 Mar 2003|05:40pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | "Pictures Of You" by The Cure ]

O.o; I've come to a conclusion.
Almost no one takes me seriously.

I've been hiding behind this idiotic mask for so long that no one knows I exist... That sounds odd, I know. But, I mean...Me...No one really knows ME. Everyone knows Nycki. Not Nicole. Nycki. It's been like that for awhile now.... Blah, ignore the above blabber, that's all it is, BLABBER.

...I want to slap Patrick.

Well, I'm officially getting worse too. He's right, I don't want to die. But I don't HAVE to die to leave this reality. The stupid voices are back >.< And Carri and Artemis are always arguing...I want to shoot them. I don't so much mind Paramie becuz all she does is sit and listen to music, occasionally talking or asking a question.

We had to drop my sister off at horse-riding today... As soon as I saw the horses I felt like crying... Stupid longing to be back in the saddle... I love riding, I wish I could start again... But mom says she can't afford to send both of us... Ya know, about two years ago, my sister and I went totally horse-mad, we went riding together, talking about horses almost 24/7, read books and magazines about 'em... I liked that... And ya know what I still wish I could do? Work with horses for the rest of my life... I wish I could live way out in the country and be with horses forever... I guess alot of people won't be able to understand me, and I probably sound crazy... But once you've been in that saddle... Once you've galloped through a field on the back of a five year old Thoroughbred filly... You'll never understand it... They're so beautiful and wonderful...and I love them. *sighs* "If only wishes could be dreams, then all my dreams could come true..."

Well, I don't have much else to write...

6 broken promises| sweet whispers

Ranting and raving XP [11 Mar 2003|08:25pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Life" by Our Lady Peace ]

Well, my sister is being a brat. She got home at about 5pm and as soon as she stepped in the door she said,

"Get off the computer"
"Why?"
"Because I want to use it, DUH."
"Well I'm using it right now,"
"So?"
"So? You can wait."
"No. Get off."
"I'm using it."
"I'll call dad."

-First of all, what's the point in that? It just gets mom in trouble because he thinks she's not a capable parent. Is that what she wants? For him to have custody of ALL of us? Stupid idiot. Just because she's his favorite... Why can't she just fuck off and go live with the bastard?

"*shrug* Go ahead, you'll just get all of us in shyt"
"Nah, just you"
"*shrugs again* Fine, whatever"
"Get off"
"Stop being such a bitch, you just got home"
"I'm not the bitch here, you are"
"Excuse me? Take a look in the mirror lately?"
"Yea, and I sure look hella better than you do."
"Fuck you. At least I'm not a sheep."
"What the fuck are you on about?"
"*rolls eyes* Get a brain"
"Got one"
"So get a new one, looks like the one you have is almost outta gas"
"*confused look* Whatever. You're so lame, you don't even have any friends."
"I have more friends than you have braincells. Okay, so maybe that was unfair, seeing as you have less than a dozen braincells"

-Just to let people know, my sister is a blond retard, who really cannot think for herself. Her friends are what most (or some) people would label "populars", the kind of stereotypical blond haired, blue eyed bimbos who think they're "all that". They wear short skirts, skimpy shirts and act as if they own the world (And as if money grows on trees). They follow each other, just like sheep. If one girl gets an expensive schoolbag, the others all get an expensive schoolbag. If one girl gets their navel pierced, they all follow suit. It's really so sad... Half the time I wish I had a bus so I could just run over them and put 'em outta their misery.

"I have more friends than you do *scowls*"
"Yea, I'm sure you do *nods sarcastically*"
"I do, and if you have so many friends how come you never go anywhere? Huh?"
"I do go places. And I choose not to go out. Ya know? People with brains actually do that kinda stuff."

-That's true, I do choose not to go places because I'm an antisocial freak. Lol. Sad but true. 85% of the time I'd rather be alone than in the company of others.

"Whatever. Get off the computer."
"Wait your turn"
"It IS my turn"
"Whatever."

-Okay, I'm sorry, but I find it hard not to discriminate blonds. They're all so god damn stereotypical (Well most of them are) and stupid! Incredibly stupid. Okay, so that's kinda vulgar, but do I care? Certainly not. I know it's unfair to discriminate blond people for their hair color, and it's about as bad as being racist or sexist *shrug* Gomenasai, I have low tolerance for stupid people. I'm not saying I'm smart, or more intelligent than anyone else, but I can't handle a conversation with someone who can't keep up with my train of thought.... Which can sometimes be hard to follow because I jump from random thought to random thought, but that's not specifically my own fault, it's a result of being mildly crazy ^____^; lol.

And THEN she goes and says that mom told her that she was sending me to live with him. Our "father".
I don't know whether or not to believe that because my mom says some things and doesn't really mean them, she might've just been mad or something. But she knows that if she sent me back there I'd just run away, and not back to her. I'd go to my godmother, and she knows it. Honestly? My godmother is the only adult I really trust.

Well, I honestly think I'm getting worse. Emotionally, and in my attitude. I got drunk and had a hangover last week, on a SCHOOL NIGHT. I've been smoking a ciggarette every so often, too. And my mom LETS ME. My suicidial thoughts are reccuring once more. Worse, now. I even slit my wrist today. My first attempt at anything remotely suicidal in a long, long time. I'm starting to scare myself, because the will to live is slowly, but surely, slipping away from my grips, and...I'm afraid...
The voices in my head are back. Yea, they did leave for awhile, a few weeks after Aaleigh left, they stopped. Now Artemis is back...Along with Carri and Paremie. And guess what, people! Paremie is so much like Aaleigh, it's scary! She likes music just as much as she did, which means that she's always playing something, which means that I can't concentrate very easily on one thing for a long period of time.
I'm back to my ways of barely holding on. I'm slipping like I have so many times before...I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now...At least this time there's something more for me to hold on to...But I don't know how long I'll last....

...I'm sorry, if I ever let go...

3 broken promises| sweet whispers

New Character Thing o.O; [11 Mar 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | "When I Grow Up" by Garbage ]

I have another one of these blurty things... But it's a character journal ^^; Like my eimaihoshi at DeadJournal, only, it's a different character (And honestly, I like this charcter better, kinda). She's an Ishida (Yea yea, just like Noriko lol) and her parents are TK and Kari (That's why she's an Ishida?). I wanted her to have a sibling, but I couldn't be bothered being creative, so I used the same idea as with Makoto, and did an identical girl and boy. Yea yea... I got bored with my other character. I couldn't think of anything else to write cuz the adoption agency thing just seemed completely lame, and everything was just completely lame. So I'm trying to make a completely un-lame character ^____^;;; So, we'll see how it goes, hm?

6 broken promises| sweet whispers

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