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steve's Journal

2nd December, 2003. 12:14 pm.

I don't know how I was such an ass last night, but I was. Damn am I an idiot or what? That one stupid fuck, Dre or whatever got to me and shouldn't have like he did. I thought I was over that. Maybe I am an ass plain and simple. Hope not. That just set the tone for me for the next hour or so and I made a total ass out of myself:S. Hannah please forgive me. Haven't heard from her since last night and miss her like crazy. Shouldn't expect too I guess at this time of day. It's just that I feel guilty and don't know what she is thinking. I Love You sweetness!
Paranoia gets the best of me again! Have a Dr.'s appt. @ 3. Hope to Hell he can give me something for this fucking headache. Well need to quit whining and get my ass back to work. *Hugs Hannah* I Love you gorgeous!

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29th November, 2003. 12:12 pm.

Just home from work. Don't know why the Hell I needed to be there, but they're the boss 'o me. Didn't do jack so
I shouldn't complain. Killer headache again. Damn sinus or something. Gonna take something for it. Chad's Dad never did show. What a fuckin' creep. I was gonna get up and email Hannah before work but didn't get it done. Hope she got my emails before she left on her big day! Have fun baby!! I Love you tons honey! Damn glad I don't have classes today, I can't think straight to save my ass. Damn old man of mine really wacked me good with that fucking board. Still hurts. Fuck him. Damn asshole hitting me from behind because I told him I didn't have any money for him and wanted to know about my computer and jacket. Nuff about that. That's in the past.
Damn Mom get the Hell out of there! One more week of classes and then dead week and finals. Getting closer to
XMAS!!!!:D:D:D!!!!! I've never looked forward to XMAS like this before in my life!!:D:D. God she is something else!! I can't wait to meet her!! Not sure what to do next semester. Found out I can get in a dorm but Chad's mom told me I could stay here too. Don't really want the dorm crap. Not much privacy, but may have to be that way. Just know I'm not going back home. That's a given. Have fun today sugarsweets! I'm thinking about you and know you are having a great time. I Love You most, sweetie!

Current mood: peaceful.

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26th November, 2003. 11:27 am.

Craziness......Library closed, student union closed, cafeteria leftovers, classes nothing but killin time. wtf! oh well,
profs. this morning not happy with turnout, but what the Hell do they expect. Soooo, I'm back at Chad's until this
afternoon. Killer headache early but lots better now. Just cold or somthin. Looks like a hurricane is comin all the people leavin campus. Think I will be heading to Bro's in the morning. Chad thinks his old man will make an appearance but isn't sure. If he does tonight, I'm goin to Larry's and hang until morning. Chad's Mom wants me to stay for turkey, but I really don't want to get involved. If the old man comes back he will be pissed I'm here, or at least not happy. Anyway, I have Hannah to think about and that ALWAYS makes me smile!:D! *hugs and kisses and snuggles* I love you tons sweetness!

Current mood: complacent.
Current music: Another Brick In the Wall-----Pink Floyd.

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24th November, 2003. 12:40 pm.

open computer!!.....whoa what a fucking day. killer headache. damn old man just wanting my money. what the fuck am i supposed to go to school on and live on? i've had it with his drunken ass. mom should get the hell out but she won't:S. damn i didn't know he had that board or i sure as hell would have been watching him. good thing
bro was there because he sure would have kept hitting me. i never did anything to his ass except work and give him money for his fuckin booze. then when i played ball he took all the credit for teaching me. fuck he never showed me one thing except how to be a bum! now he wants my scholarship room and board money. fuck him! Michelle says he begs me to come see him. how dumb does he think i am? oh well, have more $$$ in my pocket than i have ever had since he isn't leaching it from me. Bro even helped me out yesterday with $$$. Think he finally see's what has been goin on.Chad's mom is kool, she doesn't deserve what she is goin through:S. Life is fair? hmmmm
don't think so. Then there's that ray of sunshine:D:D. God she is so awesome. Makes me smile and feel good just
thinking about her. Love you bunches, Hannah!!!
Gotta get back at it. Wish it was XMAS thursday!!! Damn I can't wait!!!

Current mood: indescribable.
Current music: Freebird----Lynnyrd Skynnyrd.

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20th November, 2003. 12:58 pm.

again i can't believe a computer is free! God Hannah's words of paranoia struck home with me. i missed talking with her so much last night. she's like a drug to me, i need a fix to make my day and make me feel whole and good! fucking turbo-flow prof. and his paper out of the blue. just bull so no one takes off early for turkey day. chad's mom finally letting go this morning. saddness.......she doesn't deserve an ass like his old man. none of my
business but hate to see the heartache. part of life i guess, but shitty. those who deserve the pain only give it. how fair is that? guess life is a series of tests and those who survive pass them. then i just check email and have one from bro. wants me home sunday for thanksgiving. fuck, i don't want to go but know he will raise holy hell if i don't. maybe won't be so bad with him and his family being there and i can duck out early. oh well will wait and see. right now i need to get back at it. why can't it be xmas next week instead of turkey day??
miss you special HTH!!!*Hugs sweetness* Love you bunches!!

Current mood: busy.

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18th November, 2003. 9:54 am.

good day so far. that special someone is such a sugarsweetie! she continually amazes me and is so gorgeous! test went good and think the rest will be ok. 18 hrs next semester, damns. hope to hell it works. 16 this one though so should be good to go and a couple classes next semester look pretty choice. damn she is special!!
totally blows me away! got to hit the books, paranoia setting in. hang in there chad dude nothin you can do about
your parentals. *hugs* HTH Love ya bunches

Current mood: giddy.
Current music: Stairway to Heaven-----Led Zep.

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17th November, 2003. 1:34 pm.

~E-Rod~May 25,1984-Nov. 13,2003

Current mood: moody.
Current music: Hey Joe-------Jimi Hendrix.

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14th November, 2003. 10:25 am.

just got out of class and now in library. have no idea how this computer isn't being used must be fate! ahhhhhh FATE!! damn going to have fucking tests before turkey day in every class. should have known it. i missed a certain someone last night really badly. damn she is indescribable. i get that feeling when i'm just talking to her. she's still an enigma to me in many ways and i'm expecting too much i know. typical of me. just something about her that really has a spell over me. entered a couple entries into her journal. hope she isn't pissed. damn i want to meet her so fuckin bad. just afraid emerson's and finals are gonna screw with my mind! afraid emerson's are going to want me to work over semester break too. guess i shouldn't complain--- they are putting me through school. just tired of selling myself. only writing this cause i don't think anyone will look. just making me feel better writing about it. bro has me screwed i'm afraid. i don't know what he has planned. hopefully nothing---not like last year anyway. he says he wants me away from shit and then he puts me in the middle. wtf? at least i got him away from the chatroom---i think. hope to hell i did. i've never seen him get that way since those two times. i read a lot of stuff and know it bothered me lots but i'm over that. just a lot of things i don't understand and i'm the type that needs to make sense of things and know for sure. another character flaw! how the hell can anybody know for sure!! all i know right now is this special someone is so damn gorgeous and awesome. lots of others think so too and i have to accept that, i know. hope she is just flirting and playing around at times, just about certain she is. hey her past is her's and none of my fuckin business. really don't know what is going to happen. all i know is i want to meet her more than anything and to keep talking to her. she makes me feel special like no one else can or ever has. something really special about her. i know i probably come across to her like an idiot and i keep repeating things but she is all i say she is and more. i'm sure of that. beautiful, gorgeous, awesome, amazing, unbelievable, sweet, anything you can think of that is special! damn i should get back to studying. this has helped get rid of a lot of shitty tension. wish i had some magic to cast a spell over her! just hope bro stays away with his wanting me to even things out. damn he wanted that one guy so fucking bad. oh well, what the hell. not like i have a fuckin home anyway. i don't have a damn clue about where i'm gonna be. maybe six foot deep in this texas shit-dirt. naww nobody would put me in the ground. they'd burn my ass up and throw the ashes to the wind. Dante's Inferno revisited:S. FUCK. time to stop cryin about myself and be a man. I should feel lucky to be where I am and with the situation I have. Just take it a day at a time. Yeah right, like I can do that. Gotta get off my lazy ass here and get at it. Hope Chad's old man comes across for awhile anyway. He seemed decent the last couple times we talked. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Damn that felt good. Damn I miss her. *hugs and kisses sugarsweets* Love you bunches!!

Current mood: thoughtful.

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