| Its time for a chat.. | |||
| 11:32pm 14/12/2009 | |||
| Ok blurty.. So i went 2 melb 2 c Scotty for his 16th, met my 2yr old niece instantly fallin in love, mum's tryin to play nice families, stole scott n took him to dad's.. He goes back next weekend tho. Lol. And i told kim bout the abuse as a kid. Hmmm.. So it's been an eventful weekend. Meanwhile nick is appearing 2 b somethin i've always wanted and needed, but now i hav the strenght 2 accept it coz i kno i deserve it, and with the knowledge that i wont abuse the right 2 hav it. Learning from my mistakes! x | |||
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| Its time for a chat.. | |||
| 11:32pm 14/12/2009 | |||
| Ok blurty.. So i went 2 melb 2 c Scotty for his 16th, met my 2yr old niece instantly fallin in love, mum's tryin to play nice families, stole scott n took him to dad's.. He goes back next weekend tho. Lol. And i told kim bout the abuse as a kid. Hmmm.. So it's been an eventful weekend. Meanwhile nick is appearing 2 b somethin i've always wanted and needed, but now i hav the strenght 2 accept it coz i kno i deserve it, and with the knowledge that i wont abuse the right 2 hav it. Learning from my mistakes! x | |||
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| Its time for a chat.. | |||
| 11:25pm 14/12/2009 | |||
| Ok blurty.. So i went 2 melb 2 c Scotty for his 16th, met my 2yr old niece instantly fallin in love, mum's tryin to play nice families, stole scott n took him to dad's.. He goes back next weekend tho. Lol. And i told kim bout the abuse as a kid. Hmmm.. So it's been an eventful weekend. Meanwhile nick is appearing 2 b somethin i've always wanted and needed, but now i hav the strenght 2 accept it coz i kno i deserve it, and with the knowledge that i wont abuse the right 2 hav it. Learning from my mistakes! x | |||
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| Wat the hell now?? | |||
| 10:51pm 30/11/2009 | |||
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So i still haven't said it.. And we're still dancin circles round the fact we both know this is the real deal. He's said he wont stay in his apartment long.. Want to buy a house for him n long term partner.. Then says that we're a long term relationship.... Um.. It'll b 3months next week. :-P But im not complaining... I really hope im right bout this one. I can't be hurt again. |
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| Oh blurty.. So much u have missed! | |||
| 11:42pm 24/11/2009 | |||
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I just wanna grab him, cheek in hand, look him in the eye, nose width apart and say it.. Stop dancin circles round my heart n just jump right in! ...i really need access to a pc to type out all the amazing things that are happening. Like nick coming home. Almost drowning to death and realising he was the 1st thing i thought of. Knowing things would be very ok if he'd stick around a while, or.. much much longer. So.. If its ok with u... I.. er.. I.. I.. I love you too nicholas.. xx |
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| Speaking of ice.. | |||
| 11:37pm 04/11/2009 | |||
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Here's a lil quote i quite enjoy... The eskimo's have 52 different words for 'snow', bcoz its so important 2 them. We ought to have as many for 'love'. Night blurty. xx |
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| Almost ready.. | |||
| 11:31pm 04/11/2009 | |||
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I think i feel it too. The L word. I want to say it. But im so afraid i dont really kno what real love is. Im still thinkin bout jason. And i love him.. Not in a sexual way tho. Like he gave me life n i'll never could repay that with anything less. And nick.. I sat up n looked at him, still sleeping, n thought i so wish it had of been u. I think im ready to say it. But im not sure how to break the ice.. |
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| Oh Shit!! | |||
| 01:43am 01/11/2009 | |||
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Nick dropped the L bomb.. He's away at the rfs tonight n has had a few drinks wit the boys.. As he says his goodbyes he says 'love you'.. Ok, bye! -end call! Shit! I didn't even hav time to respond properly. Wow that was fast. But i think i needed that lil kick into gear. N i just got the news that kelly n scott wanna make babies n get a bigger house. On the look out 4 new roomies.. Eventful day. Glad blurty has been there 4 it. Lol. Err.. :-( |
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| I didn't know how i would feel.. | |||
| 08:23pm 31/10/2009 | |||
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... And i still can't really work it out. Jason txt me. I dont kno if i want to see him. Talkin to him was ok.. N by that i mean half a dozen txts. I just hope i told crumble if i do. It'll b a test... If i can face it, i can surely face my mum in a months time. |
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| Cont.. | |||
| 11:14pm 29/10/2009 | |||
| N as much as i linger on what he said 'i think im starting to really fall 4 u'.. I just dont kno wat to do, when i still think about jason every day. I kno i wont ever go back to him. Ever! But i dont kno if this is normal.. After 4yrs n all that's happened i dont wanna forget him.. But i dont think it's fair on nick. Wat 2 do!? N who 2 talk to!? Arrgh... :-( | |||
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| Lying awake at night.. Nothin really does change, does it? | |||
| 11:07pm 29/10/2009 | |||
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So i dont wanna sleep.. Dont wanna close my eyes. Not quite sure what im feelin right now.. N for who. I really like nick. He's pretty much, no.. Definately, the most perfect man i've eva met! N not perfect as in tall dark handsome n rich.. Perfect as in he has a job, cuddles me when i need it, loves his mum, has his own place, makes me laugh, cooks, n is really quite clean n tidy.. For a sparky. Lol. N below the sheets he is dead set incredible.. Which helps. :-P Shit.. Need new page.. Mobile blurty.. |
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| Old Stuff | ||||
| 08:15pm 20/10/2009 | ||||
I went thru and deleted some old sent emails n found these... Something i had hidden from most, my writting: (theyre a few yrs old.. Forgive the lack of language n educational expertise) 'Pre-mature Self-distruction' he's not gunna' learn, and its not your fault he's self destructing, you should know your worth more than you see the weight of the world on your shoulders i don't think you feel your spine start to warp why do you stand up with them? all they do is crush your hopes all they do is hold you down she's not gunna' learn, and it's not your fault she's self destructing, you should know your worth more than you see do you still see us in the end? do you still see you'll always mean so much more to me than anything do you still see us in the end? even when you stand with them? your not gunna' learn, and its not your fault your self destructing, you should know your worth more than you see your worth so much more than you'll ever see don't confess you can't carry on i need to see a fighter light burning bright still inside of you they'll rule you over they'll make you numb till you stand up use your back bone baby show me your a real man your not gunna' learn, and its not my fault your self destructing, you should know your worth more than you see your worth so much more than you'll ever see your not gunna' learn, and its not my fault your self destructing, i've tried to say you should know your worth it 'atmospheric pressure' children cry, everyday, i see it far - too many times do you think that they already know? that this is a broken world do you know? did you see? that your the last of a dying kind? did you know? do you feel? that everything around you will fall? just wait for that day the world will cry together it'll always take a tragedy to see that we're only something as a whole now i've fallen at your door tears fill your footsteps again, as i follow you into your darkness i wish this wasn't the end this is your world, i live just to serve, as your protector, now i find.. will i crumble? will i fall? will i be defeated now that i'm alone? i wish i could, make you laugh again i wish i could see your smile, it would brighten up the world just a little bit at a time now i've fallen at your door, tears fill your footsteps again, as i follow you into your darkness i wish this wasn't the end its so surreal support of the world hold you up-on my shoulders if only you could see me now oh how you'd be proud but now no-one even looks this way now we have so much more to figure out now i've fallen at your door, tears fill your footsteps again, as i follow you into your darkness i wish this wasn't the end i wish this wasn't the end 'Life Of A Faker' Lucinda Walker 8/08/07 You ask of her something she just cannot do the past can be so influentual one moment cahanges your life she put to rest, so long ago, so many lies so much hurt and this, is just the begining [now, i begin, to show you..] Chorus 1: so you think, that, your the only one? that you hurt so much more, than anyone? deep down you'll know, we're all so insecure.. this word is for the fakers for the liars protecting fading hearts know the truth, know the lies, there is no second chances, in this life we live in she won't know, no, when the end will be all you'll feel is that its creeping up, well before its time chorus 2: so you think, that, your the only one? that you cried so much more, than anyone? deep down you'll know, we're all so insecure.. this word is for the fakers for the liars protecting fading hearts know the truth, know the lies, there is no second chances, in this life we live in it doesn't take the audience to figure all this talk in 3rd person isn't real there's no girl you won't see that feels this way it won't take too long for you to see that this is me Chorus 1 there's no girl you won't see that feels this way it won't take too long for you to see that this is me Intro to memoir, take a sneek peek.. to this day, ive always remembered so many negatives within my child hood. i never really focused on anything good and decent in my life because it simply didn't feel that way. my journey since has curbed into a contsant steam of laughter and smiles, even though much really hasn't changed, i've just become wiser. to this day, i always believed that someday.. this day, someone would know every fine detail. tob witness, experience.. feel.. what it is to be behind these eyes, in these shoes and underneath this parade. till we know what purpose we serve in the world, we constantly question existance. this is a tale of living the question of thought.. "what if?" the first memory i hold close to heart is learning to let go. This being the relationship between the siblings of my family. it was a school day and my older half brother and sister weretrying to get out the door. my mother had to hold me back while they fled from my grasps. i remember the room being dark and the small gap in the door seemed to burst with light. which makes me think if i'd always been so curious of the outside world and agar to belong somewhere i just wasn't ready for. dad would always tell the story of my persistance to get whatever i wanted. as a toddler my parents were having a new house built for the 5 of us. whilst my handy father and friends build away tirelessly, we'd bunk out in a caravan onsite. this meaning i wasn't able to share a bed nor a bedroom with my parents as a child. my mother would forbid my father to go get me from the cot as i cried, however i managed one night to climb out of the cot and crawl underneath of a locked plastic consetina door to get through to my sleeping parents. my father still is remarkably astonished at how i mananged to squeeze underneath with a possible width of aproximately 3cm between the bottom of the door and the floor. as from there i've proven to be a growing seed of success despite limited encouragement or support. "Your torment never ends" Intro i can see your empty bottles your stare burns through me like im the one to blame you have no idea who i've become [because of you] Don't dare raise a tone with me im not a child anymore i know what your doing this manipulation is the death of you and i Chorus I've never felt so cold Never been so glad to go I hope you wake up screaming i hope i make you burn inside My mistakes found me they burn me everyday how do you survive knowing what you've done? Do you still remember? U kicking, me bleeding? running through the rain tears so inconspicuous [you did this!] [Chorus] Never forget i know what your doing I hope you wake up screaming i hope i make you burn inside [Like you did to me] I hope to put something decent together when i eventully learn to play my beautiful mystic black baby. She's an old out of tune accoustic who i hold high hopes for.. in joining my soul search for answers... |
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indifferent| Dear Blurty | |||
| 08:11pm 20/10/2009 | |||
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I know we haven't talked in a while... im sorry I think i may have found 'the one' He came along 2 weeks after I smiled at Alex telling me we should be friends coz he had mental issues n couldn't stand to see me spiral downwards again. I don't want to admit it because i know i'll only get myself hurt again. We haven't even swapped the L word yet.. But u know that saying "when u know, you know.." Well.... Im taking him home next month. N then i guess we'll know after that. Cloud nine feels oh so good right now, please dont make me come down.. |
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| you wouldn't believe it... | |||
| 12:03am 22/08/2009 | |||
| there's another boy. | |||
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| wow... | |||
| 10:54pm 10/08/2009 | |||
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im single again. thank fuck 4 that..... i mean, nothin against Alex.. But it hurts a whole lot less wen he says " life is fucked on my end, im gunna tear my own hair out, im sorry but i kno i'll hurt u in the proccess" than lead me to believe its somethin its not for 4yrs b4 i realise its NOT the fairy tale happy ending. no piket fence, no lilly johny n sally n wat eva the fuck that shit was... thank you for your honesty alex... Just dont kill urself... (i really do pick em...) |
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| Life's lookin up | |||
| 10:39pm 05/08/2009 | |||
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So we made it official a couple weeks back I kinda did a freak out, coz my step mum said "its a big thing to say ur in a relationship wit someone" in regard to my facebook profile. i was like 'oh god, wat have i done! after jason im in no way ready 4 that!' n i thought about hurting myself 4 the first time in bout 6months. the other night Jason updated his facebook too. he's found some1. im happy 4 him. i am. but i did do a lil freak out too... my ex best mate had been coming to syd heaps n not telling me. which is why we hav no ceased. but she updated "should i tell a secret?", n silly me, jumped to the conclusion to them two.. together. crush! but i shock it off as it was simply a ploy to hurt me coz he updates his relationship n then takes a photo frm my facebook as his profile n i get notified. direct link. so i left a lil note sayin i was happy 4 him, he found sum1. turns out he has met sum1, so yh. Alex n i went to the shops today n i bought an LCD TV. its pretty awesome having new channels wit HD Digital. Things seem to b goin well wit him tho. i just gotta RELAX! im NOT gettin overly excited bout lil things or counting on seeing him most days. i don't want my eart broken again. but i don't wanna miss out on a good thing. wat to do, wat to do.. In other news, in order for me to finish my diploma, i've had my hours cut (but extended on other days) to take wed's off. my advisor has said she may be able to get me an extension due to batting depression. i'll have to get a doc cert. but of course, that won't be a problem, coz i stayed with the one doc the whole way thru my care plan. I haven't told Alex bout this stuff.. yet. Im not sure if i should or not, due to not wanting to b serious yet, n not wwanting to wait too long n it being a deal breaker wen we war serious. its also scary coz he's studying psychology at uni, so im not sure wat vibes or cues he may pick up on. which also freaks me out bout my very clear hate towards pedophiles. cue??? i don't kno wat to do On that topic... still working up the nerv to call my sis n ask her watt her view of it all was. If she doesn't remember, im gunna go crazy, thinking i already am going crazy.. ARRGH!! Work tomoz... early start wit loads of mental simulation to fuck me ova more Cheers 4 now... xxxxx |
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| Late resolution | |||
| 12:04am 28/06/2009 | |||
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... i've decided to create a bucket list So far.... I got nothin.. :-) |
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| times like these.. | ||||
| 10:30pm 25/06/2009 | ||||
i didn't end up comin back did i? no, i didn't. N god dam.. lookin back on the last month or so i could have used the vent So yh, the llast time i was on, jason n i had a massive fight. n i just knew.. that would b the day.. i had do do the aweful deed that is, breaking the heart u've held onto for yrs, even tho, all those yrs u were always scared of losing it. WELL.. so Jason was over on the 30th.. it was so exhausting just looking at him. the next morning we foughht more, the day went on n on untill he askes if he can get his xbox later... another proud moment.. by this time i was home.. i said sure.. it'll b on the front lawn in 15min... so among the empty grog cans n his xbox, i threw in that heart necklace he gave me on our first xmas.. the one id worn everyday since, even had it engraved for our anniversary.. he found it as soon as he put the box in his car.. he txt me just to let me kno he's crying. its hard, but i stay hidden behind locked doors with bourbon in hand... a whole week went by n all i seemed to do was look n look n look at that dam mobile phone.. jus waiting.. for ANYTHING! even if it was spiteful.. just so i knew he was still alive. a week goes by n its 12 midnight on a sat, n im playing bouncer at my boss' dauughters 18th. i recieve a txt... he wants to see me, h's made so mny wrongs he knos he needs tomake it right, he cant sleep etc I stare at it, n i am completely aware of how bad i wanted it.. but to get it n have all that flood into my hart again... it picked up a shattered heart.. little did i realize at the time, im back to my own habits So yes.. i do play the field, im not THAAT stupid. i tell him im not readily available, he will hav to make hisway ova to see me after soccer or between appointments.. so its agreed.. the very nxt dy he was tocome watch me play soccer. I play soccer in the rain today. he doesn't even gett out of the car. there are tree's rightby the sideline. but that obviously is askin too much of the man who would apparently want to get me back soooo desperately... we agreeto meet at macca's to eat n talk. He askes bout work. we bluntly ignore theobviousissues n point out which guys in thecar park drive girls cars. tradgic. push comes to shove. we talk bout a few issues the nxt week or so.. im stupid n i get reeled in by emotion. twice more he stays over..but by the 2nd ikno.. itsjust not there anymore. itell him...i just don't love you anymore... i tell him, it's over.. Again..almost a week... "i can't just throw u out of my life. i still have ur photos. i still have ur letters. i still sleep with ur necklace n dream of u almost every night. im sorry. ijust wanted u to kno." "thats fine, one more friend is always good, but that will all it will ever be" i reply.. n thats the end asof now.. my period was then 2.5 weeks late.. FUCK!!! yeah.. i thought the worst too... but all isgood. i think i drank way too much on my 21st's to kill anythin remotely alive inside me anyways... So i turned 21.. woo... 1st i went to narrandera to celebrate with family... nxt wkend i went to melb with dad 2 c scotty.. DID NOT WANT TO SEE MUM!!! saw, did not speak.... dad hiding in bushes so she won't make a scene... now the local boys.. i'vemet a few.. afew r quite alright... but igot my eye on this one fella... n we been out a couple times... n i know he's not a rebound wen i don't take him home the 1st night.lol. n we still.. haven't.. u kno... I really do believe me cheating on jason ( the act, not reason) is cozi do want to hurt myself with sex. it was wat shattered my life as a kid. if i can hold off i'll kno this is for real. well at least from my end.... lets hope he can hold out.... lol. |
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exhausted| avoiding serious melt down and embarresment on facebook | |||
| 10:13pm 30/04/2009 | |||
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i haven't written in a while... im gunna need more time to explain. stay tuned i'll be back 2mora night. I'll be alone Jason won't be ova he won't be over at all ever yeah... |
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| Arrh... ova it! | |||
| 10:16pm 24/03/2009 | |||
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Im gettin a bit sick of these lies now more, misleadings than lies If i cant even tell my family im in serious emotional danger who can i tell? im tied of having the missing link. no1 who see's me can tell what goes on underneath no1 has even ever bothered to ask. you would not believe how many times just this week i've looked at a sharp object and cried has it all come back down to that??? |
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squiffy1988 |
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