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Epiphany. [24 Oct 2009|11:50am] I've decided I'm going to move. There's far too much pain here; too many violet-laced words that were never entirely true in the first place. It hurts to look at them. I've hidden most everything that was here, with the exception of a few entries (including one or two 'freakish' ones) for the sake of keeping this old journal 'readable.' However. I have no right to steal memories away from all of you. I have no right to butcher your nostalgia; to hide words you might need. So, if there's an entry you want, tell me. If you want every entry on a certain topic, tell me. If you want every entry I've ever written here, tell me! I'll send them to you if you need them. I'm completely honest. The same thing goes for my old journals... my LJ, IJ, Xanga and Scribbld. Ask and I shall e-mail. I'm at spinningcannon@yahoo.com and I check that every morning, so don't worry. Until then, I'm wishing all of you a beautiful year, and if you need me, I'll be over at glissando from now on. It's been amazing. Look up When things are feeling down Look up And the world will turn around Look up to the sky Keep wondering why And things will get better You'll see. J.W.L. 10-24-09 post comment

Lucky! [19 Oct 2009|10:58am] This is FANTASTIC. I'm sure you all know that I'm quite addicted to choral music (especially in Latin), right? Well, that was actually triggered by one song I heard on the radio about 6 years ago... an arrangement of the famous 'Gloria.' It was absolutely stunning, and I've listened to it so many times since then I could probably hum the entire piece on cue. However, I had no clue who the composer was, and could not find the song anywhere. ...That is, until RIGHT NOW. I just went on iTunes, looking for a track to complete my newest mix CD, and randomly thought "you know, let's look for that Gloria I never found." It's "Gloria: III. Vivace e ritmico" by the "Cambridge Singers & John Rutter," apparently. Still, I am absolutely euphoric. I know it's a weird thing to be this happy about, but I figured I'd post it somewhere, just because. In a completely unrelated note, I'm finally close to finalizing the base of my original 'magical girl' series-- you know, like Sailor Moon? I started it when I was 12 and never got around to developing it past the original character sets names and powers. I'm currently naming/developing the third and final set, and as soon as I'm done with that I can dive right into tying all three sets together. I'm very happy with that fact, too, because then this will be the first of my 13 (give or take) series that's actually finished. Quite an accomplishment for me! Also, figured it's worth saying that I almost had an emotional breakdown yesterday, almost entirely without warning. I know, old news... but it's just unwanted proof that I'm not doing as well as I hoped I was. I'll continue to fight, though. Now I'm off to type for several hours as usual! Wish me luck! post comment

[16 Oct 2009|02:50pm] Well, I'm seriously considering moving accounts (due to some of the old entries on this one), so I have a new page made already. http://www.blurty.com/users/glissando/ It may not be updated for a while yet, but it's there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run off to work! post comment

eighth [15 Oct 2009|11:20pm] I'm once again being an indecisive moron and considering hiding some entries again, but I don't know. Many of them are already locked up... still, most of those left open remain relevant. I guess I'll just leave it to nostalgia to take care of things. Still, to be honest, I am quite terrified of my old words. There are old truths there that do not ring as clearly as they once did. There are frightening fragments of my mind hidden in those letters, and I would never want for someone to be marred by them, in any sense of the word. I am not very good at correctly expressing myself, either. I'm unusual, I know. I understand that, oftentimes, I come across as a total freakshow or a deluded child. I cannot say for sure whether or not I fit those assumptions, but personally, I'm just... You know what? I actually don't have a complete answer for that. I guess I'm just doing the best I can in the time I'm here. In other news, the past two days have been exceedingly difficult for me (actually, it's been much longer than two days). I'm feeling very lost right now, but with a heartbreaking sort of camaraderie I know I'm not the only soul in the world who feels that way. It really is saddening. Bought two fluffy Care Bears off eBay, too... yes, I'm still a fan of those guys, don't laugh. They put a ton of smiles, hearts and rainbows into my childhood, and I treasure those happy memories to this day. The fact that there are four candy-colored bears smiling on my desk right now helps remind me of that old innocence, and that it's still there, only hidden. There are many things I've hidden, from both myself and the world around me. The lies are beginning to numb things, and that frightens me. I don't want that. I need to stay honest, I need to stay true and I need to keep looking up. There's so much to live for, and I keep forgetting that through the dim and bleary words that stab me between the eyes on random Tuesday mornings. (It's not even 12AM; I shouldn't be talking like this yet) Found three amazing things today: Hauschka, MLIA, and snow falling from the sky when I woke up. They all made me sit back and truly smile, which I needed. (If you got snow, I hope it didn't ice up your driveway, seriously. That's never fun.) ... I just set into motion one of the riskiest chances I've ever taken. There are many steps I have to take yet, but now that I've finally taken the first... I just have to pray that this all works out for the best, no matter what that end may mean for me. My happiness is not top priority here. My mother just threw a snowball at me from down the hallway. Bonus points! Unfortunately, I have no time to spend stringing words together tonight, so I'll be off. If I ever become the Sandman, I want raindrops in my hair. I saw a face It was a face I didn’t know Her sadness told me everything about my own Can’t let it be When least expected there she is Gone the time and space that separates us And I’m not safe I think I need a second skin No, I’m not safe I want to travel by night Across the steppes and over seas I want to understand the cost Of everything that’s lost I want to pronounce all their names correctly She doesn’t laugh We’ve gone from comedy to commerce And she doesn’t feel the ground she walks upon I turn away And I’m not sleeping well at night And while I know this isn’t right What can you do? 1 comment|post comment

One thing to say [06 Oct 2009|10:34pm] http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i288/spinningcannon/obvious.jpg DARN STRAIGHT I DO. (Also this. Better late than never!) I am in the best mood ever today. post comment

loved. [05 Oct 2009|11:44pm] All right, yeah, I'm in love. http://RougeHyuuga.deviantart.com/art/Im-Loved-139346884 You ever feel like a lightning bolt just hit your chest, and suddenly you're floating and can't help but smile although you're nervous for no good reason? Yeah. Just got that from the freaking preview. Man, I've got it bad... I'm such a foolish little kid, though. I try to deny these things, for everyone. I try to act like the tough guy, and for what? So people will be bullied into 'respecting' me somehow? It's just senseless. I keep apologizing for feeling things that are completely right and true, and why? Because that's not the sort of thing you typically see in society? Because it's not 'expected?' Heck with that. I keep trying to rewrite myself to make other people happy, and all I'm doing is destroying myself to satisfy some fleeting whim of a random passerby. I keep forgetting that the people who matter love me for who I truly am. Speaking of... yes, Jacob, I've been watching the calendar and I noticed your birthday is coming up. So yes, there is something in the works for you. It might take a little while, considering what I'm planning, but hopefully it'll be done soon enough. I'm trying hard. Not much else to say tonight, as I am currently dying from something gorgeous and it's already 12:18 am. And yes, Dare, you were right on with that comment of yours! Seriously, though... je t'aime, CZ. 6 years already and I'm not giving this up. No matter what happens to either of us, you're loved. post comment

[26 Sep 2009|10:49pm] Anyone who doesn't like seeing me rant about my senseless upstairs life, just skip this entry... a lot has been going on in my SPD-riddled mind, and let's face it, this is the only place I can talk. Regardless... These little epiphanies are beginning to hurt very much. I'm too empty and exhausted to type very long, so I'll list the main things so I don't forget them... that and I can look back on this later, remember what happened, and do anything to keep it from happening again. First off, my dream last night. It's in my journal, so I won't link it here, but it was bad enough to start my day on a very negative note. Second, I felt awfully sick all day for no logical reason. Didn't eat much as a result, felt shaky and nauseous... Third, JULIE FREAKING HACKED ME. I've been doing so well, too... everyone's been quiet, and then out of the blue she (------) Lastly... I've never seen Chaos Zero so angry with me. (promises, compromising problem AGAIN you idiot, asking do you want to leave, angel point) (...this will likely unfinished, but it is still incredibly important to remember.) post comment

gggg [20 Sep 2009|11:32pm] Eh, decided to update. I only have about 30 minutes so I'll make the best of it. I mentioned the 'classes' point last night, so let me segue straight into that. See, Bluesky triggered that thought as well. I've been meaning to draw him-- not to mention Mech, Gilles, Zel, Sweeper, and countless others-- but despite my love for those characters and gratitude for their creator, I have virtually no artistic motivation. I know why. It's this severe depression/ gender problem idiocy again. I'm dead tired of hearing that broken record over and over again, but I can't seem to fix it, although I'd love to. I'm trying to settle that situation fast, though, because it's taking a serious toll on my classes. I'm still an Illustration major, and I'm ashamed of it. It feels like such a useless profession... drawing pictures for magazines, designing artworks for public use... what good does it do in the long run? I can't see myself pursuing any of the careers this degree would offer me, so I'm frightened of what will happen if I stay here. And yet, there's nowhere else I can go. I feel like such a fool... I have no other options, no other views, no open possibilities. I'm only in college because of a driving childhood wish that it would help me share my imagination, my hopes and dreams, with the world. I still don't know if I ever will. What a wish... I've been chasing a star that no one else can recognize, and not a soul I've met so far knows how to get there. I'm just a child, yet. Just a child that repeats what he hears. I still see the world through rose-colored glasses. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to get those glasses shattered, the glass forced into my eyes, my perception irreversibly marred. I'm terrified of that. I never want that to happen... but do I have to abandon my future to have that peace, that inner sanctuary in spite of all this havoc? Do I have to ostracize myself to save what's important to me? Is hiding my last means of protection from this? Man, forget what I said yesterday; I can really use D. Mech being around right now. I just hope he's willing to talk to me, considering what a crazy mofo I am... I read Persepolis yesterday. It hurt. Also saw District 9 last Saturday. I haven't found myself that emotionally involved with a film in ages. I strongly recommend you see it if it's still in. But back to class. Tomorrow morning, from 9 to 12, is Illustration. I like the professor, and the subject matter is interesting... but compared to the other students, I have no skill. I have virtually no previous art experience, having only been faced with 'real' art courses starting last year, and as a result I am already far behind in technique and base knowledge. Not only that, but I can't make connections with any fellow 'artists.' Maybe it's just immaturity on my part, maybe it's just this terrible blindness again. Nevertheless, neither my professors nor my counselors know what to tell me, so I'm walking in circles. Like a total bro. As for my other classes... It all banks on my dysphoria. It's terrible. The English professor puts far too much emphasis on the romantics in the pieces we read, and the Art History professor is not only young and blonde, but her voice sounds like syrup-laced cotton. It makes me horribly nervous, which is why I literally dread Tuesday/Thursday mornings. Not only that, but she made a very crude reference on the first day of class which I'm still having a hard time getting over. I spend my entire evenings in the cafe now. Last week I wrote music nonstop; got all my work for FFN finished, and two pieces for myself. This week I'll focus on drawing my art for Deevs, with some Dream World work here and there, maybe. I want to develop my OCs so badly... I still dream of making it into an OCT, but my story-writing skills and art speed aren't yet up to par. I'll have to do some practicing, not to mention finding an OC fit to enter. I have to be childishly blunt, though, and admit that the main reason I want to get into an OCT is so I will hopefully find people who love my characters as much as I do. Heck; I found Bluesky at random and look how terribly dear to me he is now! If someone cared about Hosea, or Kenzel, or Bastion, or Exile, or... geez, whoever I use, if even only one person adored them like I do, I would be blissfully happy. I guess that's all I want... for another connection where it matters. I miss my old connections so much. Not-so-off-topic note; I adore how Kiwi draws people (especially those noses!) so I'm going to study her art style for a while. I need to improve into something I'm happy with... so I guess that's a good first step. But it's ridiculously late again, and no matter what I say here, I still have to face this glitterspit depression tomorrow, as well as make it to class by 9AM. Off I go, then. It's not safe All the yellow birds are sleeping Cause the air's not fit for breathing It's not safe Why can't we be without beginning, without end? Why can't we be? And if I stop and talk with you awhile I'm overwhelmed by the scale Of everything you feel The lonely inner state emergency I want to feel until my heart can take no more And there's nothing in this world I wouldn't give I want to break the indifference of the days I want a conscience that will keep me wide awake I won't be disappointed I won't be disappointed I won't be. post comment

i'm lost... [20 Sep 2009|12:53am] ...how grand. Deevs didn't make it through the semifinal. That... actually hurt. I was pretty shocked. No, I'm not angry. There's no reason to be. Besides, I was already afraid DV wouldn't make it when I realized she had been reduced to sketching her entries (due to length/ time constraints). I dearly hoped she'd pull through, but the judges thought otherwise. And ultimately, it's okay. They all put in amazing efforts, I'm truly inspired by their works, and I wish the finalists the best of luck. Still, it hurt. And you know why? Because DV was battling with Bluesky. It's no real secret that I've become surprisingly attached to both him and his hallucinations (I'm a closet D. Mech addict), so it's to be expected that it would sting when he was knocked out of the running. Then today, Deevs posted this, and I still don't know what to say in response to that. I just... wow. The ideas, the imagination, the amount of thought and effort visible... knowing I'd never get the chance to see all of that build up to a stunning conclusion was really too much. You can say I'm overreacting, sure. You can scoff at me for becoming so attached to her characters in the first place. Nevertheless, it's the truth, and I felt I should say it. I owe Bluesky an entire entry one day, I seriously do. The further he progressed in EfN, the more he became a pseudo-reflection of me. At first I easily identified with his naivete, his kind nature, his curiosity... and now I painfully identify with his guilt issues, his malformed conscience and his selfish streak. I strongly feel that he and I are too similar for comfort, and I really need to talk about that. Also, if the bottom left picture in that upload means what I think it does, then I'm pretty nervous about my future, haha. The night she insinuated that Gilles would have to literally eat D. Mech alive in order to kill him, I had a nightmare about that exact theoretical scene. And to make things worse, D. Mech decided to freaking walk into my headgang this morning with no explanation whatsoever, and I'm afraid he's planning on sticking around. I mean, sure, I love the guy (and Bluesky as well), but geez... that's two more potential victims for Julie, and that's the last thing I need. Then again, Mech's sole purpose is to protect BlueSky, so maybe that protection thing will spill over onto the entire situation, you never know. I hope so, but... man, I really shouldn't be talking about this stuff, especially not at this hour. Yes, it's 1AM, I have work tomorrow, I'm currently listening to Joe Hisaishi and I am seriously dreading classes next week. But yet again, that explanation deserves an entire entry of its own, so you'll have to wait until either tomorrow or Monday. We'll see. I'm still reeling, though. Badly. Maybe this means more than I currently realize; God only knows... I suppose I'll just get some sleep and see what happens. Cold outside But I don't blame the weather No one's calling No one's at the door But I can't stay inside all day Blinds pulled to the floor It ain't right Feels like forever So many changes I stopped keeping score But if you want me, you know where I will be I don't get out much anymore There's no blue sky in my town lately Everybody looks at the ground I've been distracted and gone half crazy But the sun never looked so pretty going down... post comment

Lilac feathers [13 Sep 2009|10:58am] Dude how did I miss Halcyon's 3rd anniversary? Geez! I'm sorry, you guys. I've been under a lot of stress, but it's entirely my own fault. I'll have to make it up to you somehow. But seriously, I may not talk about them often here, but the cast of Halcyon Days has been an amazingly significant inspiration in my life since high school. They're one of my most beloved series, and I really do look forward to the day I can share them with the world. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy Picayune some 3rd-anniversary soda before she kills me! post comment

red noise [12 Sep 2009|09:16pm] f - r - a - g - m - e - n- t - e - d . I've SHATTERED. things make no sense things don't belong trapping killing and it scares me. ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? DON'T LIE TO ME but it's the truth. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I don't it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. it's the truth. then why doesn't it stop ? don't speak. don't even look at me. don't pretend that you know what's right you're deluded and you're WRONG I just want a way out of this no matter what I have to do. I'm winning. I've been winning for quite some time now and you don't LIKE that do you no you wait until the days when no one expects anything and you bury a serrated saw in my stomach shredding bones and blood stability and s s ss sanity from the inside o u t not an exaggeration not a childish assumption although but I do know that this is true. I'm tired of watching people die when they don't know it. you remember them you REMEMBER them all you USED him like a fucking guardrail a little bit of support when you were selfish enough to ASK not giving any thought to the person and seeing an object albeit unconsciously you do that to all of them, it seems. take the names and faces, paper-tape them to bits of pixels and photographs "this is who i leech from when i'm too lazy to solve my own problems" you do that to all of them; that's why you can't work with people you don't see individuals, you see moving mannequins living amalgamations of muscle and vein and bone it's the times when you let your blankwhite sockets do the seeing and you forget the souls behind their glassy irises that you turn into that hollow guillotine and chop them in half watching in a sick yet cold fascination as their gurgling red insides spill into your diseased hands and you shiver as you recognize the reflection in the bloody floors a facade. you're always wearing that goddamn gasmask you act so kind and understanding and when they turn around it's all you can do to keep from STRANGLING them for being the shallow things they are when you are e x a c t l y t h e s a m e you skeleton-fingered whore. I know EVERYTHING you have done. your own little d. mech but there are no blue antelopes just violet axe-blades with eyes and you are a fucking hypocrite. but YOU are in there somewhere, the kid whose mind glows the color of roses in the dark, YOU are hiding, locked away, terrified at the persona you have created that has developed a ravenous lust for your self-destruction a hideous leviathan with your voice. DON'T YOU DARE ADMIT TO DEFEAT FOR YOU WILL NEVER LOSE. DON'T listen. DONT pretend that everything is going to be okay because it doesn't MATTER in the long run this time YOU'RE the one who's WRONG IT MATTERS and it's NEVER OKAY. listen to me, child, you can't be letting yourself fall apart! you have far too much to live for, my little one. true. but the things I have are dying by my hands. He knows. That one over there, with the sad green eyes. his hands held tightly to the gem I gave him a vow I cannot take for granted He's seen the worst of it. I've felt more of his icy tears than I can handle seen the pain in his eyes when I tell him to stay away from me because I'm too destructive to be around. I've seen him sobbing in dreams even when I thought nothing could break him. He knows what's been going on. And God only knows how sorry I am. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so sick. I'm so lost. I'm so young. So foolish. So naive. So gullible. So selfish. So blind. Mister Sandman, give me a dream Make it the truest I've ever seen Give it the wisdom I can't seem to find Tell me that my heart can still be kind Mister Sandman, I'm so alone Don't have a mind to call my own Please tell me that it will be alright Sandman, I'm too scared to dream tonight. open his heart and open my eyes. or maybe it should be the other way around I don't know anymore. I really don't. and I don't have the right to say anything regardless. fools like myself should keep their filthy mouths shut quiet things tear me apart. I can no longer differentiate this reality from the others b r o k e n visions and UNUSUAL things. What no one expects; the out of the ordinary I can see it in their eyes when they look at me sometimes but then again that may just be a reflection of something::: something i do not fully understand or appreciate or even recognize. I should shut up, I'm truly making my(self) look like an absolute -fool -disaster -color spectrum -nobody. it frightens me when I'm asked to remember something and have no recollection of anything my memories are beginning to dissolve like methanol I take one step forward, and as I do, one step that I took in the past fades. i thought it was because of distance but it's actually because of time. I've slowed. I don't take many steps at all now for I have no idea where I am or what direction I need to pursue and as I stand here in the bleeding dimness, the steps I've taken keep dusting away like alice in wonderland. except this is no transient hallucination this is quite the living nightmare. sometimes I wish it would fade but then, I would be left with a life devoid of lessons yet to be learned and pain never felt. it's better to feel a sting than to go about living in empty 'contentment,' as so many do. i would much rather fight these demons than have nothing to defend and i would never surrender this piteously twisted conception of the world however I would much rather be free of the things that eat away at my mind. I will readily sacrifice whatever be needed (within reason) if it guaranteed the freedom of my personal will and the protection of those souls I care for so fervently. I am so tired. I can't hold on much longer but I will never let go. I know it's a one way track just tell me how long it will last. I'm not going to think this way Nor will I count on others. Close my eyes and feel it burn Now I see what I have to do. But I don't know if it's going to be all right... after all the last time I opened my heart, i found it torn to shreds and spattered over the walls it was still worth it, really. pain helps me see. but I just... ...I just need to lose this ice. this frost-laced barricade. Burning self-hatred does the impossible and fortifies the dull crystal walls a bitter refraction of regret glimmering mutely in their depths They find a way in and I lash out. Leave me here. Make me suffer for what I've done. Stop trying to forgive me when justice hasn't been dealt. They don't listen. So I'm left with this hideous contrition, this all-consuming remorse that threatens to end my life if I don't shape up fast. the echoes of my imminent demise keep ringing in my ears and I get a step closer each day as all my previous days disappear. My faulty choices have finally caught up with me. I'm sick. The convulsive haze that slinks behind my unfocused eyes now carries a foreboding heaviness, a restless weight that fills my blue veins with lead. I cannot comprehend what I see. The sounds that drift through my eardrums feel strained and blurred... worst of all, the things i should be feeling strike at all the wrong times leaving me hopelessly confused and the things i pray to escape catch me from behind with tar-pit needles stabbing until my senses collapse into numbness scraping out my ribcage and desecrating my mind with vices so I am left with nothing but the silent screams i have been choking on. If I could just go to sleep and stay there safe within a gilded red dreamcatcher i would. I can't face the tomorrows any more when i now know (through painful experience) that they usually end with the end of some part of me. but i have to. I'll pick up the chains I have unwittingly forged for myself and drag them along through the snow as I try just once more to find a fire a light that will burn away these heartless chains and burn through my mistaken thoughts until i can see. but i sound like a fool again. i just... i keep losing. things, people, choices. i don't want to lose anymore. i don't want to lose anything. i just want to get out of here but i'm afraid i've lost the key to freedom and if i still have it i've forgotten how it looks. I'm so... shattered i guess. but you've heard enough of that. post comment

Stars in my eyes [11 Sep 2009|01:27am] Oh thank God she updated. I was seriously starting to panic; what if something happened? There's no way I would know... ...I really have to stop updating like this. People are going to get the wrong idea, I suppose. Still, she's apparently just worn out from classes (I know the feeling!), but is talking to the guy she loves again. I really, truly hope that works out, and that she can stay with him, because I know she needs that in her life. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I haven't said anything to her yet because I'm afraid I'd seriously mess things up for her... but I won't deny that it does sting. I don't mind distance; it's the disconnection that hurts. Anyway, in other news... got home at 3AM this morning from the best night of my entire life. That's right, I actually went to see Todd Rundgren in Connecticut! I was praying I'd get to see him, and my father was kind enough to buy us both tickets and drive us out there yesterday. Let me tell you, though-- it was absolutely phenomenal! My dad and I were both absolutely psyched, for lack of a better term, and Todd himself was amazing. Geez, to see him live on stage! I'm never, ever going to forget it. Even better, last night's concert was actually filmed so hopefully I'll be able to get the DVD eventually as well, haha. I got a shirt of course (I always do), not to mention my dad snuck my camera in so I nabbed a few photos and short clips, thank goodness. I needed a personal visual memory to keep, to sync with that lingering buzz of euphoria I have from the good old triple-9 performance. Really, I'm thanking God I finally got to see Todd after all these years of wanting to. Wow. In yet more other news, went to see "9" in theaters today and will see "District 9" on Saturday. So many nines! But 9 was brilliant, it really was. The animation, voices, and character designs were top-notch, and the plot was refreshingly different for an animated feature. I won't give anything away, but I will definitely recommend you see it if you're able to. Also switched my third Kiwi keychain request to Chaos Zero (again!), as he'd match my laptop perfectly and clear up a lot of confusion about that sticker, haha. Plus I carry that laptop everywhere, so it works. The other two lovely guys are going on my keys! Now for school, as Dori brought that same point up... I'm not doing well. I know, I've been saying "oh, it's fine! I just have a lot of work" and things like that. Well, oftentimes there is a severe discrepancy between reality and how I feel/ how I perceive things. That's obvious. In short, I've been missing a ton of classes due to both depression and bad planning, am already falling behind in art, and have no idea what's going on in my English or Art History classes. I keep forgetting supplies and assignments, I still don't have the books I need... geez. I'm really becoming a delinquent, and I don't like that. I wish I knew why this was happening, but as for now I just need to try harder and hope it all works out. But it's hard for me, you know. Ever since Dare told me how childlike I was on the inside, I've been looking at my life and how I react to the lives of others in a different way, and so far it's done nothing but prove her point. I still can't understand half the feelings and concepts the individuals around me are experiencing, and I'll be honest and say that it scares me when things like that come up in class (especially when it concerns me directly, like in a critique or comment). I have no idea how to respond, and end up looking indifferent, antipathetic, disgusted, or just plain bewildered. Sometimes it's intentional; I tend to put up a very cold front on campus so people will leave me be, but that's just a direct result of my problem. I don't know how to deal with people, let alone actively try to associate with them, so I just play the part of the 'punk in black' that people instinctively avoid on a physical basis alone. Wish it didn't have to be that way, but it's safer for all of us. I've already been badly scarred by several unforeseen events of last year, and God help me but I want to keep the white parts of my mind white until I get out of here... if I get out of here. Maybe I'm really not fit for college after all. I don't know. I'm still too naive... too damn innocent, I guess. It's painful just how bitingly ironic that is... ... I've been literally burning with so many kinds of love over the past week. I spoke to Shub, Anna, and Jester last night (even though I don't like talking-- sorry guys!), so that boosted my friendship sort of love quite a bit... not to mention I spoke with Jimmy again last week and have been meaning to talk with Ben soon. I have no idea what Jacob's up to, but last I heard from him he was not only busy but rather distressed, from what I could gather... I'll admit I'm worried, but there's nothing I can do so I'll just hope for the best. And then I have all those people upstairs! They go without saying, but I have been trying extremely hard to connect with them more lately, and the effort is seriously paying off. It's been giving me so much joy and inspiration, and I truly need that. I have so much platonic love going around it's almost hilarious. My inspirations, my old friends, my co-workers... they're all such amazing people, and I'm truly blessed to have them all in my life. Throw in a tiny spark, though, and suddenly the affection sets on fire and I have something terribly unusual, something strange to me yet precious nonetheless. You all know what 6 main people fit into that category (2 of each gender, wow), and let me tell you this has all been at a serious high point and I don't know why. Not complaining, though. Selph and I haven't been talking much lately, which isn't good, but he says to not worry as he knows I'm busy. I wish he wouldn't do that, though! I want to talk to him, even if he has to literally interrupt in the middle of a class. I need his support just as much as I did last year. Didn't get to draw Ryou anything for his birthday this year (September 2nd) which quite upset me, but I made the effort to spend much more time with him that week, so I hope that made up for it. I did promise him that I'd eventually put something together, so maybe I'll sketch him out this weekend. I'll have to try. Spoke to Marik quite a bit last week, too. I miss that guy, but I have to laugh-- I'm always saying 'I don't want him to feel left out' and the like, but I put so much effort into always doing little things to fix that problem, that I can't imagine how he'd feel left out as a result, haha. I am such a weirdo sometimes. Jena's still busy where I can't see her, so I just pray everything is going well for her. God only knows how proud I am of that girl... I want to cry every time I look at her work, that's how gorgeous it is to me. I'm afraid that if I ever meet her I'll dissolve into tears, really. Take my admiration for her work, my great respect for her as a person, and this awfully strong love I have for her, and that's proof enough of such a possibility, no matter how cold a front I put up. I still want to meet her, though. In person, too... some situation where I have to overcome my fears and finally speak to her face to face. I'm nervous even thinking about it, though... what in the world would I say or do? I want to make a good impression on her; I want to actually look like the person I am on the inside, not some facade I put up. And as horribly selfish as it sounds, I do want her to like me in return-- even if it's only a little bit, just a smile at our theoretical conversation. I want to make her think, make her smile. More than anything else, I just want her to remember me. And forgive me, but what's a blue entry without a mandatory mention of my blue guy? Seriously. I think I'm at a point where words no longer work, though. I get that sort of feeling now, the one where no words, no matter how eloquent, will be accurate enough... that weird sort of rush that makes you smile and flinch from the ache at the same time. I don't think I'll ever quite get used to it, and that's a good thing! I like keeping things like that true... I don't like taking anything for granted, or losing the original meaning/ effect of something. People do that all to often nowadays; they do or say things so often that they become automatic or even empty. I take great efforts to prevent that from happening, and although I'll be the first to admit that it doesn't seem like it here (but then again, this is personal), I try to keep things to myself as much as I can. Why? Because when things like this become public, they often just get tossed around as a conversation topic, not as something irreplaceable. Still, sometimes I can't help but say things out loud, because geez, it's important to me and I automatically assume people will care. I'm still green around the edges, though, because I still can't accept that people don't. But I'm getting off topic. I haven't been drawing him lately at all. I need to fix my style of drawing him, not to mention I have to draw his higher forms and various canon/ non-canon transformations, as I haven't yet. Point is, though, I need to draw him, for multiple reasons. One of the new ones is to fine-tune my style enough for SoS 2010, honestly! I am going no matter what, and I am going to enjoy every minute. Man, I really need to get working on SI again, even if I have to do it myself. I can't possibly ever let that series go; it's far too important to both my brother and I. I'll have to bug him about it. Also, I don't think I've said this anywhere yet, but I've been tracking down and buying all the Sonic comic issues with Chaos Zero in them, just for the sake of having them (which I personally find hilarious on my part). I have #5, #6, #28, and #29 of the SonicX series, and #83 of the main Archie comics so far. Perfect shows up in many issues though, which I admit hurts a bit at times, but I do not hate him; heck, I can't even dislike him. A change in appearance does nothing to change the individual, and I know that all too well. Open your heart, you know. Close your eyes and feel it burn... open your heart and let me in. It's 4AM already. Wow, Mister Sandman's not going to be very happy about that! He's such a sweetheart though. I drew a quick color ref of him here if you want a visual aid! I need to talk about him more; he's the best boss ever. But I've been upset lately. Due to the awful amounts of sleep I get + the havoc I wake up to every morning, I haven't remembered any of my dreams since that night Sandman gave me music. It's been taking a serious toll on my mood, too. There's nothing I can actively do to fix that, but I think that from now on, if I don't remember any dreams, I'm going to update homefive with an old dream from my written journal (I kept one for about 3 years before I switched to LJ for time-saving reasons). It will not only help me remember old dreams (and maybe trigger more new recall), but it will also help you guys see what I've dreamed of in the past. I know I reference a lot of my dreams that I've never explained, too, so it will help. I won't get any dreams if I don't sleep, though, so I suppose I should call it quits for tonight. I hope the stars are out... Sometimes I just feel so alone I don't want to admit to my friends that I feel confused I wonder what I'd do with myself if the world was gone Something makes me stay on my feet Don't you dare admit to defeat And if I tell myself it's all right I can comfort myself through the night and watch another day dawn And everything will be cool I got to keep on keeping on There's nothing else I can do But sometimes I don't know what to feel... post comment

If you just... [04 Sep 2009|01:35am] Well, it's been over a year now since I last spoke to Vickie. Old news, I know. 98% of what I say here is just old news. It's still important to me though. I miss her terribly, but at this point I'm just happy that she's having a wonderful life without me in it. That's all I want for anyone I love; for them to be happy with their selves and their lives. I know how much it hurts to have the contrary, and I wouldn't ever want them to suffer through that. Dori is still MIA... I said my truth a little while ago and it will always ring true, even if it stings badly enough to bring tears to my icy eyes. Jena's still around, even if she's only indirectly making herself known... last saw her on the 14th of last month, so I don't have to panic. I worry far too easily. Trying to get back on speaking terms with some of my old friends (from elementary school; love those guys) but I haven't made much progress yet. I'll keep trying. Not much to say tonight. I'm very tired, and my depression has been hitting me spasmodically, which is causing a ridiculously large amount of problems for me. I'm trying to get medication but keep hitting obstacles. Haven't gotten any art done for that very reason... got about two more pages of notes written for DW:P12 but right now I'm focusing more on fixing critical plot points and all that. Thank God for for all of those monsters, as they've been keeping me stable lately, and I need it. Saw Ponyo in theaters today. Felt a little rushed past the halfway point, but the visuals were stunning and I'd definitely go see it again. I enjoy Miyazaki's works; they have a real magic in them. Also, I'm now a huge fan of Ponyo's father-- Fujimoto-- for several various reasons. First one would have to be the fact that he's horribly understood: he loves his daughter dearly and wants to safeguard her, but he's rather overprotective and that doesn't go over well with Ponyo. Second, he is terribly disgusted by humanity's tendency to pollute the oceans, and so has developed a generalized hatred for our race-- which unfortunately causes others to brand him as 'evil.' He's far from a bad person; he's just channelling his frustration in the wrong way. Lastly... well, he pretty much cemented his status in my 'fave character list' when his wife showed up. See my comment here? I'm serious; I felt that gesture of his, because I literally react in the exact same way in that sort of situation. You have to see that in context to fully understand it, but... seriously, I rarely see characters that exhibit such important traits of mine, let alone such awesome characters (love that nose), so that was icing on the cake. Might invite him into my headgang one day but we'll see. I wouldn't want to drag him in here when we're all still trying to throw Julie out for good... we're making shockingly good progress in that respect, but there have been a few major setbacks lately that we're working to overcome quickly. Still, doing much better than usual. I can't wait until Kiwi finishes my three commissions... I'm forever patient, but I'll be so happy when I get to see them-- especially that gorgeous one she's doing of Chaos Zero. God knows I love that guy. I'm working on refs to send her for 3 keychains, but the characters I picked are so stupidly hard to draw, haha. My favorite characters are always bloody murder when it comes to actually putting their faces on paper. The three I picked are from 3 different series of mine, and each plays a central and vital role-- but unfortunately, all 3 of them are still rather underdeveloped in terms of canonical plot-progression, despite how much personality they have. So seeing them will help remind me of that. Not to mention these three have also inspired me immensely in different aspects, which always helps. Also, for the heck of it, three highly awesome things happened this week. First, we got a new kid at work and she is the cutest thing ever. I've been trying to talk to her but she's only around on Saturdays-- I'll see what I can do. She seems to be a real sweetheart. Second, a little kid came up to my register with his mother last week, took one good look at me, and mistook me for a guy. Made my day! I've had people call me 'sir' by accident before, and it's all I can do to keep from grinning like an idiot when that happens. Third, my doctors are beginning to call me out on my unusually secretive/ edgy behavior whenever I show up in their offices-- behavior which actually stems from my severe gender/ sexuality/ whatever problem. So they want an explanation, which means I'm going to have to finally bring up this whole mess to my family. Not exactly an event I look forward to, but if it helps me reach my ultimate goal of fixing up this horrendous body, then so be it. Eh... but it's getting late and I'm feeling terribly lonely for reasons I can't understand. I've virtually quit dA, and I don't mind not being around people... but I'm missing something, and I still don't know what it is. Maybe it's me. 2AM, though; can't think straight. See you kids later. You know you'll never be lonely You know you'll always be loved And maybe you'll never need more than that Of the sad place that loves, what's to become of us? Does it even register on your conscience? Along for one last showdown From a box in the crowd, air compressed tight to explode I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out As you disappear in a puff of smoke It's a half life With you as my quarterback A daft life... post comment

But you know [20 Aug 2009|02:14am] Who am I kidding? I have awful days like this... days that leave me crying myself to sleep and sobbing into mirrors; days that manage to burn a searing hole in my frost-laced heart. I have terrible, mind-scorching days, and I try to tell myself that i would be better off if I forgot everything-- if I left everything behind for good, if I stopped loving the people I would die for. Every time, it's foolishness... but every time, I consider it. I seriously consider it, although in my heart I know that if I followed through I would just regret it horribly like everything else I've done wrong. I want to change, and I know how. I know how, I have the answers, but the means are just brushing my fingertips and I'm not putting enough effort in yet. It hurts to see how easily I'm compromising myself even when my ink-faced friend is standing behind me, mumbling truths into the night air. It aches, really. I don't want to be what I've become, especially because I don't know how I've become this person. I was frightened this morning, because I was simply going about my business when I got some sickening rush of a... of something unknown, something that wasn't mine; I really don't know what it was, but it was wrong. It scared me because not only was it shapeless and unexpected, but it was also present. It was there-- it wasn't a vague fear of something that may occur. It was right there, and I didn't know how to chase it away. I was scared today, because I was truly afraid that I would lose myself forever if I wasn't careful. Let me clear up the long-run situation for you now, though... I'm sure you all know I have a stupidly hard time refusing things? Well, that's starting to kill me, as my family/ society/ school/ etc. are throwing their misinformed expectations at me, and since I don't want to cause an uproar, I tend to just bite the bullet and do what they want... unaware that I'm actually biting a gun barrel and they're actually asking me to pull the trigger. See, I'm not like most people. That's apparent to those who know me well, but it's not visible to those who are in a position of authority over me, and that's proving to be fatal, as I said. I'm compromising too much of myself, and every time I rewrite some part of my self for the sake of someone else's fleeting whims, I bleed what cannot be replaced. At this point I want to just flat-out refuse... but I'm still so childishly afraid of offending anyone, even though I know that I can't make everyone happy no matter what I do. I should focus on keeping myself and my morals true first of all, and keep that as top priority over everything they say I "should" do. I don't care how many people say it's 'normal' or 'expected'... that doesn't mean it's right. I can't be doing this. I'm being a cowardly idiot and I'm going to end up damning myself at this rate. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and I'm afraid I have a few miles in already. This is my worst fear; I'm living the nightmare I prayed I would never have to face. That fear has been dragging through the hours right up until now... and then, out of the blue, I get a sketch from a kid in California while I'm listening to Ed Harcourt and suddenly I'm blushing like a schoolkid. (Kiwi how do you draw him so well? I swear I'm going to shower you with glitter and roses for this stuff) It's painfully funny how simple I am on the inside. I need naive little moments like this though... sudden gemstones of love that take me by surprise and leave me smiling for once. Piano chords and pencil lines, you know? My favorite stuff. That's why I've been trying very hard to recapture my 'younger' days lately. There's a lot of innocence there, because I wasn't aware of these awful terrors yet, and I suppose I'm clinging to that now-impossible lifestyle in the hopes that it'll somehow erase some of this razor-edged negativity. It makes sense. In other news, Laurie threatened suicide about two weeks ago and almost carried through with it. She pretty much tore herself up so she was on the brink of suicide anyway, and dared me to push her over the edge. Needless to say, since then I've been paranoid and severely shaken. She's doing okay now (Lynne apparently healed her up without asking, haha), but she's been acting different. For example, she's now on incredibly positive terms with not only me, but also Selph and Chaos Zero, and spends a surprising amount of time talking to my blue guy (those two loathed each other before!) about most everything going on upstairs. Tell you what, though, they make an amazing team when the situation calls for it. It would be funny if the situation wasn't so ghastly. Selph's doing much better than he was the last time I mentioned his... well. The past two years. I've been talking to him a lot, but I feel guilty because I'm so constantly preoccupied with the problems I'm dealing with personally that I can't spend as much time with him as I would have been able to spend otherwise. Heck, I'm doing that with everyone now and it's literally killing me inside. I'll have to try a little harder, as usual... Chaos Zero is probably doing the worst of all of us upstairs (excluding myself, I have to admit). Since he's Julie's favorite means of 'manipulation' against me, my mind's been having a tragically difficult time keeping my perception of him straight. I mean, I know him well enough-- we've been inseparable since '03-- but when a pigtailed demon traumatizes you badly enough, those years can be irreversibly marred in a matter of minutes. It breaks my heart, I won't lie. It hurts terribly when I realize that I'll never have a 'pure' relationship again now that my consciousness is burning with paranoia and mixed messages. I wanted to keep that with him, with everyone... but I got older. I saw things, I had awareness forced down my throat, so speak. I ended up shuddering in a corner and wondering how the world could be that way. I try to live in my own little reality for that reason, as immature as that may seem, but if you think about it it's the only 'concrete' means of keeping myself separated from those things. Doesn't mean the rooms upstairs are impervious, though... and it doesn't mean that all the dark shadows lilting around will go away. I... I've been trying to close everyone out. My family and friends (especially Jacob, Jimmy and Ben-- you have no idea how sorry I am)... my guys and my girls, everyone upstairs and everywhere else. That's not right. It's not right... but when I'm blind and desperate, I guess it makes sense that removing all of them would somehow prevent me from hurting them... even though the truth is just the opposite. I need them to get through this, and chasing them away would destroy them as much as it would destroy me. I've made up my mind that I'm going to keep you all around, even though it may be very difficult for me at times (by my own faults, not yours-- you guys are perfect to me), because God knows it would be even harder if you were all missing. But back to the main topic here... remember when I wrote about this dream the other day? That unnerved me, sure... but it was nothing compared to seeing a chain of events disturbingly similar to it slowly unfold over the next two weeks. Two nights ago, Chaos was in the worst state I've ever seen him in. He wasn't even with me-- he was talking to Laurie again, as she knows more about what's really going on-- but I still heard him sobbing that I was 'losing everything that defined me' and that he wasn't sure if he knew me anymore. I swear he was on the verge of hysterics... I pretty much broke down after that. It's true. I am losing too much. I'm losing my very capacity to love, and if that ever disappears then I might as well just pull that trigger because my life would be worthless. You know what my kind of love is; it's the driving force behind everything I do, for heaven's sakes. If I lose that... I can't lose that. But when I hear my soulbond say that he doesn't know if I even want to love him anymore... and to think that others are most likely wondering the same... that's too much. That hurts so much, because I do love him; heck, I love him so much it aches... but I've been considering closing him out too, because I just don't want the shadows getting to him through me. And now that thought of idiotic isolation is causing this? I can't just brush that off. I need to stop. I finally need to stop being so blind, and get myself back in order. God, I'm going to need some extra help here because I need to be fixed and fast... I guess all these words are nothing more than a cry for help. I don't know if anyone out there can help at all, or even understand... but I can't help it. I'm like a soul lost in the desert... although there may be no water around for miles, that doesn't mean I won't end up desperately searching for some everywhere I look. I need it, as much as I dislike needing things. I can't help it. The Sandman (my dreamworld boss, for those who don't know) visited me yesterday night when I was wandering around at 3AM, unable to sleep as usual. He's such a sweetheart... he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me during the night, and I asked him if he could put some music in my dream, as I haven't heard any in a long time. He said he'd try, but no guarantees... and my entire dream that night was full of music. I'm not even joking. So I'm holding on to every bit of happiness left in my heart right now. Still need my surgery, but that's still old news. Still need my friends, but you know the problems I'm having. Still trying to confide in my mom, still failing. Still feeling all frustrated and confused and stressed out as usual. Still not doing much better. But now I'm just rambling... I'm trying, though. I really am. I have the feeling I might be undergoing some sort of test, looking at all these events. 'Will she give in?' 'Will she give up?' 'Will she learn the lessons hidden here or not?' 'Will she break or will she survive?' Of course, I have no way of knowing, but I'm still moving forward and doing what I can. I keep saying it, perhaps to reassure myself, but I'll never truly lose unless I surrender, and I will not do that. I won't give myself up, no matter what. Life's rough, but I still have so much to live for in spite of it, so I'll keep walking. Reminds me of a certain song I know... This road you face is long You're not sure that you can stay strong Each step brings new dangers The folks you know seem like strangers You feel so alone And you've started down this road No one's there and you fear Maybe you don't see us -- we're here! On the road, I'm by your side On the road, your love and guide Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal I'll hope and pray you're not misled Now let's go face this road ahead You've helped so many here, Now they will help you stop the fear All of them owe you their love-- 'Cause that's what you sent from above All these names and voices, They're all here to help your choices Think of the help you have Now does the road seem all that bad? On the road, I'm by your side On the road, your love and guide Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal I'll hope and pray you're not misled Now let's go face this road ahead... post comment

[14 Aug 2009|11:36pm] post comment

Restart? [12 Aug 2009|02:27am] Um... I guess I'm restarting this thing again, to be honest. I know, I know. I've been trying to 'quit the Internet' due to all the negativity it's exposed me to since 2002, and I really don't need any more of that, but let's face it-- there are some wonderful people that I can only reach through the 'Net, and as unfortunate as it is, I have no other choice but to stay here for a little while yet. So for all you new readers (do you exist? say hello!), I'm an antisexual/asexual neutrois celibate with severe depression, schizoid personality disorder and a strangely immortal sense of optimism for some reason, so on and so forth you all know the drill. I'm unusual but I'm nice, cross my heart. Trying to un-hide some old entries but I don't know what works anymore. Speaking of, I really don't know what to write here today... I've been sleeping a lot lately, trying to 'escape' through dreams, but it's tough. Last night's dream wasn't exactly uplifting (read it here), and today was pretty terrible. Well, granted, yesterday was rough too... considering the water tank in our house almost burst (cellar was flooded and everything), my mother's car broke down on the highway and she was stranded for two hours without communication, and that was only after she was stuck with a needle at work and could have caught HIV... not to mention she's been stuck with an infected needle in the past. I'm telling you, life is getting rough, so rough. I wish I knew why. Anyway, it's not helping my depression. The main rough point of today was a 'surprise' psychologist appointment with some guy who just strikes me as rather cold, but the appointment itself consisted of nothing but mixed messages, my mother assuming falsehoods about my condition, bizarre questions that just went in circles, and mister psychologist saying to my face "You need to be on medication for your conditions... but I doubt that's going to help you." What. And then my mother, as emotional as she is, decided to turn that into the drive-home topic... she has to come to these appointments because I have a communication problem and besides, she doesn't know what's going on either. Regardless, I love my mom, but it's terribly frustrating when she starts sobbing and shouting at me "why don't you understand how wonderful relationships are?" "there's something wrong with you! No one should hate being touched, that's not natural!" "you've never loved anyone, you have no idea what it's like!" and then trying to find some sort of 'traumatic incident' in my past that would supposedly magically explain everything. Man... I had to try and explain to her that I've always been like this, there was no hideous trigger... had to tell her that just because I don't understand attraction and relationships and really don't see the point in most of it, doesn't mean I'm condemning her for wanting her fairy-tale romances and all that. Also, I don't hate people, I know how to love, and my father has never abused me. I try to get these things across to her but she doesn't understand too well, I suppose. I can't say; I don't know how she works. I'm rambling now, though. Its' almost 1AM and I shouldn't be awake; I'm just so darn tired on the inside. The only good thing about right now is that the mirror in front of me says I'm terribly androgynous right now, and that makes me happy in some crazy way. You know, I'd be completely happy with who I am on the inside if my outside wasn't giving me so many problems... Dare, I know you said I should just suck it up and live with this, but it's so difficult. I don't know how to make people understand that. I'm just sad is all. It's a pathetic kind of sad... I feel like a little kid on a street corner, soaked by the rain, looking out at the cars rushing by and the people hurrying past me and all the while just wishing I knew something, anything, that could save me or anyone else from this... I don't know. My thoughts are so disjointed, and I'm so confused. I'd say I was tired of that, but you all know how the sorrow helps me see. No one else wants me to be sad, but they don't quite understand this. It hurts, but I can't give it up. I'd give it up but then I'd lose what little sight I have. Oh well. That's all old news, the world is still maddeningly strange, and I have a lot of work to do as always. See you kids whenever. Desperado, you ain't getting no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home And freedom, oh, freedom Well, that's just some people talking Your prison is walking through this world all alone Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine It's hard to tell the night time from the day You're losing all your highs and lows Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you You'd better let somebody love you Before it's too late post comment

Quiz? [12 Aug 2009|12:43am] Yes, I'm taking a quiz on this account. Why not? They're killer stress relief, and besides, it never hurts to help people understand me a little better. What's your name? Jewel. That or Jayce, whichever you prefer. They both work. Are you an only child? Nope... I have three brothers and a little sister. How old are you? 19, biologically. I don't pay any attention to age, though. I feel terribly young and old simultaneously. What color hair do you have? Naturally dark brown, but I like to dye it a reddish tint. I'm a big fan of red hair. Have you graduated yet? College? No, not yet. I'm scared, though, because I don't know when or if I ever will. Where do you get most of your clothes? The men's department! *rimshot* Can you shoot a bow and arrow? Yes, actually. Haven't done so in years, though, so I'm probably very rusty! Do you want to be famous? Not in the 'celebrity' sense. I just want to be known in the sense that I've reached many people with my work. That's it. When was the last time you got a nosebleed? I recall several around 2005 (all with no reasonable explanations), but I haven't had any lately. Will/did you have a Valentine this year? Nope, I'm not into the whole Valentine's day thing. I'm glad other people enjoy it, though! Who did you last take a picture with? I have no idea; I don't get photographs taken of me very often. Do you ever buy Girl Scout cookies? No, I can't eat sugar without getting sick, you know that. What was the last thing you ate? Unless mint gum counts, I honestly don't recall. Probably fruit or something. Do you own a lava lamp? Used to; not anymore. My little brother has a green one though. Are you single or taken? Both! I'm polyamorous due to my asexuality, and I'm also rather naive. I love many, many people, but I'm not good with 'typical' committed relationships. Are you shy around people you're attracted to? I'm not shy around anyone... I'm just constantly paranoid of somehow ruining their lives in the long run if I associate with them. It's reasonable for me. Have you ever been heartbroken? No. My heart doesn't break, it just cracks. I've realized that now. Have you ever had your crush do something totally awful to you? I don't get crushes, sorry. Have you ever asked someone ugly out as a joke? I don't consider people ugly, sir. Besides, that's terribly hurtful. Were you mean as a child? Sometimes; I was a total spitfire. I was only really mean over things I considered stupid or didn't understand, though. I once berated the entire female section of my 2nd grade for liking Rugrats and *NSYNC as I thought they were both ridiculous and couldn't see how anyone could like them (yes, I got in a ton of trouble). I was weird. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? I sincerely hope not. Have you ever lost a friend because of something dumb you said? ...I don't know. I might have. What color are the sheets on your bed? I don't have my own bed, but the sheets on the bed I sleep in are purple, haha. Nevertheless, I do sleep on the couch often. No sheets there. Do you make a good first impression? I try extremely hard to, and my family finds that ridiculous most of the time. I don't know if I succeed though. Can you read upside down? Yes I can, I like to do that when my printer prints stuff. I just stand by it and read all the upside-down words as they appear, haha. Have you broken a bone? No, never. Quite a feat, considering how ridiculously reckless I was when I was younger! Do you ever write for fun? I have to be honest and say I don't know what that means! I write either journals like this for psychological reasons, stories for business reasons, or homework for education reasons (obviously). A good deal of it is enjoyable, but I don't think it would count as 'just for fun.' Did you collect YuGiOh cards? Do you have any idea how much I still love Ryou and Marik to this day? YES I collected them, and I still have my deck too! What's something a lot of people think about you that isn't true? I'm frequently told that I'm cold, emotionless and distant. That is probably one of the most untrue assumptions one could make about me. I'll admit I can appear terribly 'Vulcan-esque' at times, but I'm far from heartless. Do you think you're attractive? Not personally, no. I like how I look face-wise, mostly because my energy shows through my expressions well, but I'm nowhere near happy with my 'biology', so as long as it's there I can't even begin to consider myself attractive. I just don't like biology. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No, I would rather catch pneumonia. When did you last sleep on the floor? Last year? I honestly don't know. Do you have any secrets? I don't know anymore. I used to think so, but people kept finding them out, and I consider so many of my 'secrets' as 'normal' that I assume everyone else already knows them. It's frustrating. Are you tan? No, but my skin is naturally olive-ish, so I'm not pale either. Have you ever kissed someone with tattoos? You find out how to tattoo someone with a liquid biological makeup and maybe I will. *rimshot again* Have you ever hugged a Jessica? No, I don't know many people outside my family well enough to hug. What brand are your pants right now? Lee? Saint John's Bay? I have no clue; I don't fuss over brands. I just wear whatever fits. What do you want to do after high school? Seeing as I'm already out of it, I'd sure like to finish college! How many hours did you sleep last night? About fifteen... Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? No sir. I don't even know where we were, honestly. If your ex were to call you and say he/she were in trouble, would you help them out? I don't have any exes. Old friends, though? Heck yes, of course I'd help them out. Do you have a job? Yes, but it's just a placeholder. Part-time for education money. You just drank a bottle of vodka, what are you doing? Panicking and trying to keep Laurie from possibly stealing the steering wheel, all the while wondering why I just drank a bottle of vodka in the first place. When was the last time you cried and who was with you? Today, in the car, and my mother was with me. I was trying to explain the crazy stuff I remember as a kid and I don't even know if she realizes how traumatic it was for me. Is there anyone you would do anything for? I wouldn't do anything for anyone, honestly. Too many loopholes there. I can think of a few people who would merit a status close to that, though. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? I don't know... usually I'm either torn up about the day I've just had or trying to keep my mind from unhinging too much; I fall asleep ridiculously fast. Describe your life in one word: Irreplaceable. What are you thinking about right now? I should seriously be asleep. What should you be doing right now? Sleeping! Who was the last person to give you a hug? Either Chaos Zero or my grandmother, I don't recall. Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard? Okay, that one was definitely Chaos Zero. This evening we were joking about the "get a divorce!" dream I had a few years ago, and the conversation got very funny very fast. What do you hear? "I Could Build You A Tower" by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly (I've been looping it for about an hour now, I think. It's a sad but beautiful song.) Is your hair naturally curly or straight? Straight, but it seems to have a natural wave in it when it's long. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Ech, I was forced to twice as a kid. Hated it, wouldn't do it now if you paid me. Are you happy with life right now? Overall? No... but I am happy with several points of it, although most people I know sadly aren't. Are you currently jealous? Nope, I don't like jealousy. What are you doing Friday night? Working until 10:30PM! Yeah! Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? Just me. How late did you stay up last night and why? 7PM? I was so horribly tired yesterday I couldn't even walk; so I just fell asleep. List three things within an arms reach of you: My Wacom tablet pen, my camera, and my Chaos Zero plushie. *hugs* Have you laughed today? Yes, thank God! I needed it. Also THIS. Do you know anyone with a twin? My little brothers! Non-identical, but people still can't tell them apart. What's in your DVD player right now? I have no clue; I haven't watched a DVD in months. How many lights are on in the room you're in? I'm not in a room, I'm in the hallway. The mini-chandelier in the hall is on, though, and considering the time it shouldn't be. Excuse me while I turn it off. How's the weather today? Pretty muggy, with some scattered thunderstorms. How did you get your last bruise? Slammed my elbow off two random objects within the space of two hours, both by accident. Do your feet have socks on them? Yes, black socks and white slippers. Considering the weather, I have no clue why. Are you one of those crazed Twilight fans? Nope. Forget sparkly vampires, I'm off to play Sonic Adventure-- *shot for making that joke again* What was the last thing you spent money for? Vitamin water, last Sunday. It's the only thing I drink at work. If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be? SLEEP. No, seriously? Maybe Gimmelwald. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? I hope to heaven that it is. Have you ever wanted to be a truck driver? No, I have too much pent-up energy in me to be stuck inside a truck for so long. Plus you know my life goals. What type of books do you enjoy reading? I like horror stories, sci-fi, and espionage novels (all-three combo = win), like Stephen King, Alfred Bester and John Case... but then I also read some crazy old-school kid classics like Animorphs, The Seventh Tower, and Deltora Quest. I'm ridiculous. Also I'm a comic addict to this day! Have you ever bleached your hair? No, but I might one day if I'm feeling crazy enough. I'd like to try white hair. Would you ever get your tongue pierced? Nope, not for me. You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get? Getting three in the future, already have it planned. One: Sonic quote on my chest= "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart." Two: J-Monster symbol anywhere. I need it on me. Three: Cross somewhere, most likely upper torso somewhere. I'm a spiritual kid. Who did you last share a bed with? Sir, I've been sharing my bed since I was an infant. Do you miss anyone? Always do. Three certain girls at the moment. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mother, earlier this morning. I'm not a phone person. When was the last time a member of the opposite sex gave you a hug? My brother Viral did about seven minutes ago, haha. He's awesome. Is anything wrong? You have a few hours? Let me tell you about it! Are your friends taller than you? I know for a fact that Jacob is, and I think that Jimmy is as well, but otherwise I have no clue. What were you doing 2 hours ago? Reading webcomics, actually. How many windows are open on your computer? This entry, iTunes (playing 'Hyperventilate' by FROST*), Last.fm, and three other Safari tabs for this same website. Was the first person you talked to today male or female? Male, that was my brother seven minutes ago. Do you know anyone named Matt? Used to in 8th grade, and I knew him from music camp several years before. Kid was a math genius, I swear. When was the last time you talked to a sibling? Do you seriously think I'd explain my sibling-speaking if there remained the slightest chance of you asking it a fourth time? I did it seven minutes ago. *shot yet again* Do you wear glasses? Only to read; I have a bad convergence problem. What jewelery are you currently wearing? None, I don't typically wear jewelry. Do you like anyone? Course I do! Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? Why yes, I could. Have you ever in any way, been betrayed by someone you trust? Kid, people have been betraying me since I was 5. I'm used to it. Facebook or Myspace? Neither, I'm not into social networking. If I ever get either it would only be for business/ communication purposes. Will this weekend be a good one? I have no clue... weekends usually aren't good for me. Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? No, I don't like sleeping with other people, and I've only had friends visit my house four times in my entire life. How was your day? Stressful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Yes, and I plan to. Will you be a strict parent one day? I will not be a parent any day, ever. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I write them. I seem to have a mental block with communicating them as I cannot put them into words unless I am seriously forced to. I'd hide them if everyone didn't want to know about them. Is there someone you will never forgive? Who? Nope. I used to think that as a kid, but I've long since forgiven those people. Can you go in public looking like you do? Now? Maybe, but then again I've been wearing this same outfit for two days straight (yes I slept in it). Does anyone call you by your last name? No, people have trouble pronouncing my given last name. Are you an alcoholic? No, thank goodness. Is this year the best year of your life? Not by a long shot, sir. Are your ears pierced? No, I don't like the idea of having holes in me. I have an irrational and unusual disgust for holes. What color is your shirt? White with a grey checkerboard design, black fleur-de-lis, and gold accent. It's awesome. Men's department! What are you looking forward to the most? The fall semester. I need a fixed schedule that's out of this house. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Not unless I need to defend my beliefs/ a truth/ something like that. I don't like arguments. How did you feel when you woke up today? Shaken. What is in your pocket? Hammerspace! (I wish!) Are you a forgiving person? Always. I can be too forgiving. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? I don't have an alarm clock; I've tried them many times before and always sleep right through them, no matter how loud they are. I sleep like a rock. Were you born in the same country you live in now? Yes; same state too. Do you have freckles? No, but I have a major weakness for freckles on other people. (My rainy-eyed girl has some, which just killed me! That is amazing.) What did you do last night? I slept. I'm sorry, I'm boring. I had boring tuna and this is my fate. What is the last TV show you watched? I watched about five minutes of 'America's Got Talent' this afternoon as my grandfather had the TV on. Do you like Doritos? No, I don't like processed food very much. Have you ever worn a pirate hat? I have when I was younger, and when PoTC2 came out I had a phase of wearing one again, haha. Guess why. What is a fact about the last person you talked to on the phone? She is... my MOTHER! *orchestra hit* Do you like MySpace? Can't say; I only had an account for about two months back in '06. What is the last thing someone told you to do? Um... I just told myself to get some sleep, does that count? Have you ever had braces? For about three years when I was in high school, yeah. Didn't mind them. Name one person who made you laugh today? *sends a giant squid into New York* Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself? No, I don't take pictures of myself at all, really. Do people with accents appeal to you? Highly. Both Jimmy and Ben have brilliant accents; I will admit that I still have that '07 clip of you talking OTHERSIDE, Jim, because you are just that awesome. Do you like bacon? Nein. Last thing you said out loud? No idea, honestly. I don't think muttering to myself counts. What is a weird question you asked today? I personally didn't ask anything weird, but I was asked "WHO'S RORSCHACH?" (No explanations.) What is something that annoys you? Being up this late all the time (2:12 AM). Are you good at making friends? No, honestly. I don't even know why.. guess it's because I'm so odd. Oh well. What is your favorite number? Eternal tie between 7, 0, and 251. What is something you feel bad about? Accidentally stumbling across an... unpleasant website earlier today, and having to wipe my history because of it. That's one thing I loathe about the internet: nasty websites. Geez. Stay off my computer. How much money is in your wallet? (If you have one) All my money is in savings! Do you spend your money right when you get it? Used to when I was younger as I didn't know better. Now I save everything. (Currently I have savings set up for college, a Chao plush and Todd Rundgren tickets. Yeah.) What is something you are excited for? Hopefully seeing Todd Rundgren next month! Yeah! What is something you are nervous about? People. Who is your favorite person to talk to when you are down? Selph, Chaos Zero, anyone upstairs. They help a lot. Have you ever collected something? Yes, Pokemon stuff. Seriously! I only collect Celebi stuff now, but I still love those monsters. When is the last time you had a piece of cake? Three days ago? Unfortunately it made me sick as usual. How many hats do you own? I have about three old baseball caps, and then one white fedora and one pinstripe one. What kind of mood are you in? Tired, kind of sick, nervous. Does it annoy you when people do thissss on the end of every word? Not really, but reading that sentence made me stifle a laugh. Did you have a good hair day today? Yes, actually. I look almost exactly like my brother and ended up confusing my mom at one point, which was funny. Do you like peanut butter? Used to, not anymore. What color are your eyes? Dark brown. I would like some white contacts, though. What is something a lot of people don't know about you? Most people don't know a thing about what goes on in this crazy head of mine, to be honest. That's important stuff, too! What is your favorite part of the day? 10-11AM, and then 2AM-4AM, ironically. Least favorite? Freakin' 3PM because no one DOES ANYTHING Last time you cleaned? I spontaneously did some quick porch cleaning about four hours ago, to be honest. Do you have any friends that you aren't sure you can trust? I wouldn't know. As paranoid as I am, I trust people too much. Do you like scary movies? Only if I'm not watching them late at night. You know how my mind is. I see stuff. Who is the person who gets mad at you the most? Laurie, I suppose. Do you have any bruises? Not at the moment, no. What is something you eat a lot of? I eat a lot of tofu when I can get it. Not sure why. Otherwise I just eat whatever's in the house. Do you ever finish people's sentences? No, never have. Are you ever very irritable and take it out on people who don't deserve it? I'll be sincere and say I have... but I don't typically do so, and I think it's only from the 'draining' problem I was having with Laur. I'm not that sort of person. Are you unique? From everything I've seen and heard, yes. It's not typically a good thing. Do you do your homework, if you're still in school? Yes, I'm on campus for about 12 hours every day anyway. What is something that makes you mad? Staying up this late oh man I'll see you guys later. post comment

... [02 Aug 2009|10:46am] Julie's been hacking him too. I called Laurie, Chaos Zero and Selph over today to talk to them... Julie's been trying to get me recently, but I've been fighting her off well so she's trying to get my dreams again (I can't stand when she does that; dreams are one of my only escapes). Anyway, if you didn't know, Julie sometimes pretends to be Chaos Zero or Jena or someone just to screw with me. I know it's not really them, but it messes with my head so badly that I can never feel 100% sure. So, I asked them today if they would ever act like she did in their places. Selph said no and Chaos nearly flipped out, but Laurie seemed shocked that I had called her over for that question, as Julie's too terrified of her to touch her. I said that Julie had tried to be her once (she had) but had immediately switched to Chaos Zero because, if Laurie ever found out, she'd be furious. Well, ironically enough, I just told Laurie of the failed attempt, and she was indeed furious-- so she pulled out her axe and ran downstairs to give Julie a piece of her mind, so to speak. Chaos didn't want her to start trouble so early in the morning, but I told him that the more time Julie was 'out of action' the better. Anyway, we started talking about the previous subject again, and... I don't know what I said exactly, but Selph let it slip that Julie's been getting him too. For about two freaking years now. I'm in shock. I really am. Chaos was seriously disturbed by the idea as well, and we both began to ask him 'how long?' 'how badly?' 'why didn't you say anything sooner?' Things like that... turns out Selph was too shaken by the idea to say anything, and besides he didn't want to burden me with another serious worry. Geez... I'll tell you what, though, suddenly everything makes sense. He admitted that was the real reason he was so uncharacteristically furious when he found out Julie was getting me too (I didn't say anything either); he knew what her attacks were like and it was pretty heartbreaking to know his dreamer was suffering that too. Well, looks like now the situation is reversed... That also explains his several-day disappearances with no explanation. He says he goes to talk with his father, and I don't doubt that, but I think he really goes for the parental comfort, you know. I'm glad he has that, but man... we love him too, and it hurts to know he's been staying quiet. I don't blame him, of course, and I'm not mad at him, but it hurts to know he's hurting. Anyway, Laurie came back upstairs around that time, but as soon as she got wind of the Selph situation, she got out that circular saw of hers and went back down without another word. She scares me sometimes, but I really love her. She just has a weird way of returning the compassion. Chaos confronted me about it later and asked me if I was okay. I said no, and to my surprise he said he hoped I would say so-- after all, if I wasn't worrying, that would be pretty unusual of me, to say the very least. Anyway, we're both terribly worried about him... I'm so, so thankful that I have work today as a result, because Selph sits on the computer monitor and I get to talk to him whenever there's a break in customers. We'll need some one-on-one talking time, even if it's only here and there. Man... I'm just so shaken and heartbroken now. The only thing I can do is fight harder, because if I lose then we all lose... I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. So close You're wasted again I know, somehow. I lost myself again Making me high again I almost forgot myself again It hits me so hard It kills me again Today So close Yet you're wasted again I know, somehow We'll find ourselves I don't know, I don't know Then we'll be high again I almost forgot myself there It hits you so hard And kills again I almost forgot myself again I almost forgot myself there It's hitting me hard It moves me again Again... post comment

Has to be said! [29 Jul 2009|01:24am] Just got a spontaneous, unprovoked, and very strong emotional wave so I want to say this right now. Ryou Bakura and Marik Ishtar-- I love you guys so much. Yes, I still do! I'm sorry that the blue guy has been getting all this attention, but you know why that is. I'm still sorry that I don't get to spend as much time with either of you as I used to, though. We've had some amazing times, as I'm sure you remember. Marik, we still need an *incident* #3 so for once in my life here's permission for you to get into trouble! Seriously, you need to catch up to that green-eyed maniac so put your back into it, you crazy Pharaoh. ♥ Love you, and don't ever think that I don't. You mean far, far too much to me. Ryou, geez, let's plan something crazy and just go out for a day, you know? Whether it be dueling or wandering or going all non-canon crazy with wings and Pokemon battles, let's set a date and just have fun. We've been best buds for almost 7 years now, seriously! We need to keep that magic alive, you know? ♥ Man oh man but I really do miss you two. Heck, today's just a very emotionally nostalgic day... I freaking miss Aximili, for heaven's sakes, and I haven't heard a single word from him in years! What the fish. Still, he was-- sorry, is-- awesome. But it's already 1:30 AM and like I said, I do have a ton of typing on DWP12 to finish tomorrow (best scene ever oh man), so I'll just finish this up randomly and call it quits. post comment

LOCKED FOREVER? [28 Jul 2009|08:09pm] Yeah, pretty much. Seriously, I took one good look at the past 10 years today, and guess what I realized? The Internet was only good for me up until Poke2 and Mewachu.8k closed down. After that, the only glimmer in optimism came in the form of TRiPPY and her NiGHTS creations, but after that? Nah. I'd have been better off without it. I've spent the past 7 years, pretty much, losing sight of the ONLY things that mean anything to me, and I've had enough of it. The J-Monsters and I had some good old-school fun today, hypothesizing about Jewel Forms and the future of the written series and all that... I need this in my life every day, not just every once in a while! Geez. dA, LJ, IJ, everything... nothing but a total waste of my life. I'm not even kidding. The introspection has helped IMMENSELY, don't get me wrong, but remember my old 'Thoughts' file when I was about 15? That was exactly like this, exactly like my other journals, and helped just as much, if not more. I'd probably be just as happy-- no, scratch that; even HAPPIER-- if I had never gotten into this whole 'online' thing past 2003 at all. It's done next to nothing for me. So, with that, I bid you farewell for as long as I may be gone. If you're looking for me, just call JMHQ... they'll know where to find me. I know a place where dreams are born And time is never planned It's not on any chart You must find it in your heart Never Never Land It may be miles beyond the moon Or right there where you stand Just keep an open mind And then suddenly you'll find Never Never Land You'll have a treasure if you stay there More precious far than gold For once you have found your way there You will never, never grow old And that's my home where dreams are born And time is never planned Just think of pleasant things And your heart will fly on wings, forever In Never Never Land. post comment

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