angie's Blurty

Subject:	cooped up.
Time:	11:11 pm.
Mood:	distressed.

i suffer from inferiority complex. always have. i had the opportunity to speak to celine renaudin, french girl from my intercultural communications group. she shed some light on her experiences growing up in france. their lives are so different. their parents cut the umbilical cord by 18, move out to live with their boyfriend/girlfriend if they're serious about each other, live in different parts of the country for extended periods of time alone working and doing their own thing, travel the world when they're on vacation etc. it sounds like the picture perfect life as long as you've got enough money. but it also sounds like a lot of shit and loneliness, no creature comforts no family, nobody you can really rely on but yourself, which is probably the beauty of it all. perhaps something i'm reluctant to break away from because i'm so sheltered and comfortable in my own little cocoon. doing smth like that would mean restructuring the way you see life, complicating your vision and perpetuating the unanswerableness of life.

i am such a lazy pig. high inertia. yet to develop a taste for life. somebody yank me out?

i turned down the india internship because i was afraid. i think deep down inside i was afraid of the unknown, the instability of what the company portrayed itself to be, the fear that grips my heart knowing that i'm alone in a foreign land where there are 84 dialects and even native indians have trouble finding their way around the place. i'm beginning to regret my decision. now that i know i have the liberty to pull out of india, i feel like i missed out on a chance to be independent and all that comes with taking risks. i just wish the cpy could've shown more initiative than taking 2mths to reply with a YES and not providing further details even up till now the end of March, when ppl need to already finish settling their accomodations and air tickets before holidayers snap them up!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	run
Time:	7:36 pm.
Mood:	drained.

was out for a run just a half hour ago. on the way back, from afar, i tilted my head towards my house and my eyes hit my room windows, both perpetually wide open, to let the cool monsoon wind in. my thoughts went for a swim. i realised no more than 5 people in my lane know who i am, much less seen my face, or heard my voice. they don't know that the girl who lives behind those windows is more than a living, breathing carbon entity who walks the usual route home from the bus stop situated down the hill over there. they don't know her dreams, her fights, her fortunes, her goodness, her secrets, her cravings, her longings, her past-present-future, her could-have-beens, her never-will-bes. these thin, sound-proof windows provide the perfect insulation against the outside world. these yellow-painted brick walls serve to box the living, breathing carbon entity. in return, these windows and bricks don't give off a word. nobody will know. shhhh.

most of the time, we are so quick to judge that which we can see, and sometimes even that which we can't -- we judge what we hear. we hear the music filtering from this girl's room on a cold weekday night and, ironically, we brand her an unusual person who refuses to be branded (as anything remotely mainstream). we hear that she doesn't sleep till 5am everyday (tsktsk, must be up to no good!). we eavesdrop on her conversations held on a chair by her window, and we say that she's nothing more than a lackadaisical, stubborn, haphazard little girl who hasn't yet gotten her affairs in order. on a good day, she says something with a hint of intelligence. on most days, she's either boring or busy typing away at her laptop. these youngsters nowadays, forever on the laptop, don't know what they're up to.

while this particular youngster is living her modern day life with modern day dreams that are fueled by modern day realities, this particular youngster also ponders how many other youngsters are behind their windows and brick walls. just along this lane. just this lane. she is curious to know, but then again, she will never know, because the walls don't speak.

and while the walls that face outward are thicker than those inside, the thickest wall that she would love to have is that which separates my room from the devil's. it would be hypocritical of me to say that my neighbours could take the effort to get to know each other, as long as the devil resides across from me.

i have given up on trying to protect what i own, because i guess time after time, it's just God breaking in and removing my hangups. it is time to stop letting my possessions possess me.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	my book of random thoughts
Time:	1:34 am.
Mood:	crappy.
Music:	my chemical romance - i don't love you.

currently reads: "i'm trying to fit a square block into a round hole" on page 3. also on page 3 is: "i hate the one thing i like about you".

it's amazing how the mind works with and against you. sometimes i think i'm psychotic, sometimes neurotic, sometimes over-analytical, sometimes airheaded, sometimes something other than normal. have i completely lost it? it's simple math; you make something happen for yourself, but that something need not necessarily pay off especially when it takes more than just you to make it good. it's no longer a 1+1=2 anymore, it's a 1+1=?. you're not in full control over anything, and for a person who has a pretty high level of external locus of control, that doesn't sit very well with me at all. that's when my mind starts to race for no good reason, sleep gets disrupted because i can't think of anything else. other than... that... THAT... thing.

the hard part is letting the what could've been take over. but the harder part would be not having tried at all.

i finally know how people like jinhao, zhenglong and chengxi feel when i unintentionally bo-chupped them into oblivion. their intentions would've been made known had i not been such a genius at not caring. i'm finally getting what i deserve.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	start of something new
Time:	12:59 am.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	plain white t's - hey there delilah.

ok so school's starting again. it's a bittersweet symphony. i can't say i'm entirely thrilled that it's all starting over again and the whole idea of being a slave to EyE doesn't sit too well with me. it's disgusting being forced to succumb to dodgy bureaucracy, and it's even less pleasant being at the mercy of micromanagers who talk as if they'd be better off doing everything by themselves. having EyE in my life certainly dampens the essence of being in school. i only wish i had known better earlier on to have cut out of the elections while i had the chance. i don't like the idea of being part of a community that stands for nothing more than perfectionistic outcomes at all costs. a co-curricular activity has certainly morphed into a full-time obligation. just lighten up guys. geezus. why must everything be so by-the-book and hierarchical. you are all turning your backs on the vision you championed that got you your posts. flat hierarchy, no such thing as top-down approach. fuck off man. have a good look at the way you're running the show and repeat that phrase looking me straight in the eye without flinching, i dare you. you're missing the point of being part of a student organization. we're all in it to learn and to have fun. clearly the fun factor is sorely amiss.

going back to school instills some form of dread in my heart. the thought of having to make small talk to acquaintances all day long sends shivers down my spine. it is a place where not smiling labels you a bad-mannered recluse with attitude problem. a place where you have to fight tooth and nail for that coveted A+ and a reputation of being a good and dependable group mate. it is a place that sadly resembles the worst edition of corporate life. the part where you're still struggling to get out of the rat race. still reeling from the after-effects of being in JC? then get ready for SMU cos it's gonna throw curveballs at you from every angle until you're down on your knees and begging to be let out. our terms may be shorter than the other 2 unis, but they're at least 10 times more intense. woe to those who aren't prepared to rough it out. you need balls of steel to be in that place. and a sturdy mind to remain sane while you're there.

alot of analogies using balls, but before i end off, there is a sweet side to this bittersweet symphony. i only hope that friendships and knowledge are given a chance to strengthen over the course of this term. i only hope that my faith will be enough to take me through the next 15 weeks. that i will not back down in the face of adversity and that those who truly matter will be there for me always.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	letter to me
Time:	3:45 am.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	frou frou - hear me out.

so this is where Amy Lee's Hello comes in with the best way of putting the purpose of this entry: "hello, i am your mind, giving you someone to talk to. hello?" this is where i get lost in my thoughts then grope for a way out. i figured, i've given many people advice on how to deal with their problems. why can't i try giving myself some advice too? so anyway, i've placed myself in a right kafuffle. gearing my mind to think that he might be the closest i've got to the one. and because it is hard to find (rarity) and he's one hell of an ice king (exclusivity), basically Robert Cialdini has helped me find a couple of reasons why there is some kind of a "draw". at the moment, my mind is finding it a tad challenging to change its programming. to the extent that when i'm around him, i get all muddle-headed.

angie darling, i know what you're going through. your mind's filled up, made up, and because you are one stubborn biatch, you cling on to want you think you want. i'm telling you now hun, to get one very simple thing straight. you guys are barely friends. please heed wayne's saying: "the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much." and wake up to reality. don't ruin a potentially wonderful friendship just because of a warped pre-conceived notion that doing it nick's way will necessarily get you what you want. don't forget: nick happens to be a sharp shooter. much sharper than you at least. oh, and one more thing, nick's a guy. he gets it easier when it comes to first moves.

angie darling, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. what happened today is not and definitely will not be the last time you get to show him who you really are. don't resign yourself to failure even before anything has begun. you're not being fair to yourself, and neither are you being fair to him. give it a rest, dammit. quit being so hung up on the mistakes, and move on. the way you're feeling now, it can only get better.

angie darling, if he's going to be such a judgmental son of a bitch, then that's his problem, you know? it's not your perogative to portray the best side of yourself to people 100% of the time. so what if he happens to not think too highly of you? he's still friends with so-called "lesser beings" isn't he? geez girl, i seriously don't get why you're so hung up over those minor dumb comments you made. i mean, give it a rest!!! stop being such a whiner!!! gawd. just be yourself, and the rest will fall into place naturally.

angie darling, you are a good girl, and anybody would be a fool not to see that. where is your self-love and your self-respect?? and you call yourself an independent and strong-minded individual. all you gotta do is love yourself, respect yourself, and keep that sense of belief in your heart going strong. you've got what it takes, and you of all people shouldn't be worried about such trivial things as what acquaintances think of you.

yes, angie, you guessed right, you need some time away from him to settle down, get it right, and get ready for the new school year. you deserve better than such treatment. you shouldn't always be the one getting the shorter end of the stick. you ought to go out there and see the world. be who you were meant to be and be loved how you were meant to.

love,
your logical thoughts.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	confounded
Time:	2:07 am.
Mood:	stressed.

hi bloggie, i'm back again. with another problem, of course.
geez, when one clears up, another one surfaces. one of a totally different nature though. the previous one marks an end to something, while this new one marks what might be the beginning of something. this person is like, different. i don't know how to explain it. but there's a draw to him that baffles even myself. this line from Snow Patrol's Signal Fire sums it all up: "the perfect words never crossed my mind. cos there was nothing in there but you." i think i pretty much spoiled the first impression today.

geez, i sound like all the other whiny guys out there who can't think of what the next step to their problem is. or at least are unwilling to admit that it exists. i feel so. silly. afraid. perturbed. perturbed that i'm feeling silly, afraid and perturbed. when i'm left to my own devices. when i'm alone thinking. the feeling really sucks. i'm not usually like this. somehow this person has managed to break me down in a couple of hours, not even saying much at all. this is crazy la. seriously. stupid.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	2:07 am.
Mood:	relieved.

bloggie, i think you're probably the only "person" i can confide in these days. everyone's either too busy or too tired to listen to me whine. i know i'm not asking for much, but still, a huge part of me just doesn't want to disturb other people's peace or be a negative force in anybody's life. so i guess, it's probably best that you're inanimate.

so here goes. i think there's something i have yet to come to terms with in my life. as much as i'm a very opinionated person who seems to have it all together, deep down inside i truly doubt that. if i really were as self-assured as i portray myself to be, then how is it that one simple tired conversation with somebody could strike so much hurt and doubt in my mind? and it wasn't even about anything new. i mean, this isn't the first time that this person has told me i'm negative/possessive/sarcastic/etc. and i'm cool with that, even if i don't agree with it. because everyone's entitled to their own opinions right? but why am i so affected? it's such a touchy issue with this person, and don't be fooled by my asking so many questions. actually i think i already know the answer. but my pride's holding me back for acknowledging it upfront. sometimes my pride protects me from harmful things, but right now, i think it's preventing me from moving on. i think there's something more to it than meets the eye. and i want to say it, but again, i can't. i am too stubborn. i am afraid of the outcome, precisely because i know what will happen. and it ain't anything pretty. this person is wreaking havoc in my life, and as much as i want it out of my system, somehow i kinda like it. who am i to judge whiny guys who seem to love to torture themselves? i'm weird, yes, that i know. but that's the closest i get to admitting anything. the knowledge of another strikes fear in my heart, when it shouldn't even be that way. we're just friends after all. and i don't want to be seen as a jealous, possessive friend. i really don't. i want us to all get along. i'm sick of being accused of holding anybody back. by even leading me to think that you think that way struck a very raw nerve. which is probably what provoked the tears.

maybe we got off on the wrong foot, and came crashing down quite abruptly. i couldn't even tell. you had me under your spell. it was unfair, what you did to me, and yet i don't blame you for everything. i could say that you don't inspire much confidence, not even as a friend. i could say that you make me feel extremely insecure, even as a friend. i could say that you led me on to let me down. i could get personal about every negative thing you said about me. i would really really love to, but i'd like to believe i'm more responsible than that. i know it's got something to do with me too. i led myself to think that we were more than friends. i told myself that maybe, just maybe, one day we could blossom. despite all the signs and despite everything bad that's happened over the past 11 months, you could say i never really stopped hoping. i really shouldn't be telling dave that hope is something not to be trifled with. i'm such a bloody hypocrite. i have no right. but to be fair, i don't want the same thing to happen to others, because i know what a pain it can be. the stupidest part of it all, is that you didn't give much reason for me to hope. but i think i just figured something out, and i'm just rationalising here: it is precisely because i cannot trust what you say, that even if you were telling me the truth, i would be inclined to think otherwise, coupled with the fact that i suffer from perceptual defence and that i'm stubborn, believing only the things i believe in and not giving in to alternative possibilities. so even if you sent signals that didn't mean shit, a combination of factors led me to think that there could be something. yes, it all makes sense in the end. this could all just be one foolhardy girl's gross misperception. you started it, ended it, and then i took it from there. how stupid of me! am i that slow to react? dang, i should've realised this sooner. ok, i feel like a huge wave of relief has washed over me. i think now i'm finally on my way to recovering. geez, sometimes you don't really need someone to talk to. just yourself and your logical thought process. including a lot of psychobabble that must manifest in some form of writing. heh. thanks bloggie!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	randomness rules
Time:	10:53 pm.
Mood:	determined.

i lost track of how long it's been since my last entry. my faithful readers have probably given up by now cos nobody bugs me to update anymore. haha!

met up with dave for dinner today. got a pleasant surprise when he gave me a call when he was all the way at friggin' toa payoh. tsk! wad a sweet boy, he came all the way to tampines to meet up. i must say, he's one of the best listeners i know. not only among the guys i know, but including the girls as well. and he's a damn fun shopper too lar. sticking around even when i was trying on nail polish for kicks. haha! amazing. what's most amazing is that he remembers what i say after i've said it. while eating fries, i made a passing comment i love soggy fries. and one minute later while chatting, he encountered one he gave it to me without batting an eyelid. i like it when guys aren't out to impress yet show the best sides of themselves.

and thanks to him i've got a nice new white top from Op. did you read Op? YES Op. the geena surfer brand that is desperately trying to diversify by including more trendy and wearable stuff for ppl like me. i found a top from there. i know, i know. i'm surprised at myself too.

abby must've been possessed to have said no. dave, you deserve better, period. please don't end up like one of those chi qing kind of guys who "na de qi fang bu xia". i never knew so many of them existed in this world. perhaps guys aren't as detached as girls think they are.

whatever it is, guys like that oughta go. the male species is continually being diluted with influences and forces existent in a more intertwined and inter-dependent world. guys are thinking and behaving like girls, and vice versa. being a guy is no longer associated with dominance, chivalry, gentlemanliness, independence, strength of character, and yes, even chauvanism. where have all the REAL MEN gone??? lol.

it's been a long bitter-sweet ride over the past one year in SMU. it's shaped and moulded me into who i am now. someone whom i know is increasingly poised to take on the world. someone inconsistent with the norms, someone ready to fight to the death for what she wants. i'm not a freshie anymore. i'm a sophomore.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	12:20 am.
Mood:	disappointed.

i don't know why it is that when i think of them, i feel so sad. we were once so close, but somehow it all crumbled before my eyes. i no longer feel like they care anymore. i no longer feel like they want me around anymore. it all happened amidst our busy schedules, and while we were always quick to complain about how school was taking away so much from us, nobody else made the effort to keep it together. nobody else but me. it's damn saddening. i don't know what i did to make them feel this way towards me. i don't think i deserve to be feeling this way. but somehow it happened to be my fate. i'll miss you guys. call me when you feel like it. if you ever do.

all those i miss you emails/smses. those were empty talk, weren't they? just stuff to fill in the gaps so it wouldn't seem like you didn't give a damn when actually you really really didn't?

i feel like char.

Comments: Add Your Own.