my destiny says that im destined to fall   
04:48am 01/01/2004
  Head over heels
But falling flat on my face
Trying not to give up
Everyday's a new race
The finish line is so far
I'll never get there in time
Falling farther behind
I'll never have what I wish was still mine
Joking and laughing
Pretending I'm ok
Trying to keep everything inside
But bursting with things to say


You're with her now,
happy as can be.
You say you never want to be
with anyone else.
Well, neither do I.
I guess we have a problem here.
You only want to be with her.
I only want to be with
you. Happiness
doesn't exist anymore.
So while everyone else is
happy as can be,
I'll be left back.
And I'll die
old and unhappy,
always alone.
All becasue I
only want to be with you.


Floating down a river
(lazy, calm, relaxed).
The sky shines, sun bright with
colors of autumn combustion.
Finger tread, water fast
flowing along skin of silk.
Eyes wide, blue and red
capturing dancing leaves.
Heart beats, breaking glass
never sounding so loud.
Hands reach, grasping for something
which was never really there.
Head aches, filled with words
never said but always heard.
Water rushing, freezing cold as it
passes against the earth.
Animals run, skipping fast
too ignorant to care.
Branches break, snapping quick
moving towards the dust.
Heart breaks, sharp pieces
fall piercing skin of silk.
Body dies, bleeding fast
drained of all its worth.
Floating down a river
(lazy, calm, relaxed).


Maybe someday these words
will seep through my skin.
Find a way out,
finally be heard.
Let go of myself,
give in to my heart,
and all of the things it is
longing to say.
Throw out my inhibitions,
scream so you can hear my pain.
Giving up, giving in,
never to love like this again.


It's 3 o'clock
early Wednesday morning.
I've had too much caffeine,
my stomach is turning.
I want to sleep,
but I'm forced to stay awake.
Can't stop thinking,
I don't know how much more I can take.
Turn up the radio--
another sad song.
The one who's gone
is the one who should've been here all along.
One more broken heart--
so the story goes.
Try to hide the pain,
never let it show.
I'm a strong girl
until the lights go out.
Then I'm fragile to the world,
everything I'm all about.
Sudden silence
broken by cries.
Woken from sleep
long before sunrise.
Haunted by demons
of my own fatal mistake.
I think I've pain my dues,
how long must I ache?
What have I done
to deserve all this pain?
Although I survived a battle like this,
I'll never be the same again.
I'm sick of searching for something
I know doesn't exist.
Nothing can ever compare
to the way you kissed.
And if I have to be alone
then be alone I will.
Because your's is a space
that no person can ever fill.
11:10pm 16/11/2003
  This is nice,
but it's not the same.
I miss being whole.
Memories are
starting to fade.
Blowing away
along with the leaves in the wind.
This air reminds me of
good times we had.
Spending autumn days
playing in leaves,
and a winter afternoon
wrestling in the snow
after school was let out early.
Racing to our destination
(where ever it may have been),
trying to beat the cold.
The cold.
Cold nights spent
in your bedroom,
listening to Choking Victim and Fleetwood Mac.
Huddled in a ball
under blankets,
sharing our dreams,
and the bed with your dog.
I miss not caring.
There were no worries of
"How soon will this end?"
We thought it would never end.
I hated when those nights had to come to an end,
and I thought of you the whole way home.
All night long I would
try to burn those memories in my head
so I could remember them always.
I'll remember you always.
Will you remember me?
01:30am 02/11/2003
  She looks so
With her
Make-up smeared,
Running down her face.
Two very little,
Black streams
Flowing free,
Blackening her grace.
She looks so
With her
Hair a mess,
All over the place.
Every single
Coarse and dirty,
Like tarnished lace.
She looks so
With her
Clothes torn,
Large open space.
Random strings
Like her
Shamed head,
A find disgrace to the human race
     Read 1 - Post
02:03pm 28/10/2003
  I'll stand still
And wait for you
If my waiting is in vain,
Shame on me.
But I'll wait anyway.
Here on my
Knees bleeding,
Hands grasping at
Imaginary figures,
A mirage.
Still waiting,
Ears ringing with
Of the nights we used to spend
Until we could spend
Every night
And if my waiting is in vain,
Shame on me.
I'll wait anyway,
12:34am 21/10/2003
  Staying up late and wishing for the past,
Living in my dreams because they're the
Only place where I'm happy.
Eyes constantly bloodshot and
Dry from crying all the time.
Talking to myself and
Hanging on
Prayers and hopes that broken promises
Someday will be put back together.
Sitting alone in a
Dark room,
Music blasting,
Trying to forget everything and everyone.
staring at the stars. Playing
Connect the dots to spell out your name.
The same on that was once tatooed
On my heart, but left only
A painful scar.
Looking from far away.
Never daring to speak the things
I really want to say.
Feeling nothing but
From the tips of my toes
To every last split-end of my hair.
Having everything you want except
The one thing that you need.
Wanting only you,
And these bullet holes in my heart.

So this is what it is to be hopelessly in love.
12:23am 14/10/2003
  I don't want you anymore
I just need you more than anything else
12:20am 17/09/2003
  We were supposed to be in this together, but now- you're gone
Everyday I tell myself, "Johanna, you have to carry on."
But I'm finding this increasingly hard to do
My life just isn't the same without you.


The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life
You- lying there
Dreaming, motionless
Unaware of everything around you
Sleeping, undisturbed
With a gorgeous smile on your face
I wish I could stay in that moment and look at you forever
But forever has got to end sometime


Betrayal- just like the darkest nights
Hold all the worst things
That one can only imagine
As you search for light- sometimes in the strangest places
You'll find the meaning of everything
If attained- all problems resolved
If not attained- your life unfulfilled
Until everything is figured out
You're left- in the dark- in betrayal


This was the summer
Of heartache and pain
Of fear and frustration
Laughter and rain


If things were left up to me
We'd be in a different place
But I guess it's up to the hands of fate
To guide us to where we're supposed to be
I'm drowning in the shallowest water
And my heart is slowly losing oxygen
-It only breathes for you
It's so awkward to watch things change
Morphing from beautiful scenes
To unbearable images
And I'm left alone in the dark
No on, nothing left around
I scream aloud, heard by no one- including myself
I would invite you in
But everything is so cluttered here
There's no where for you to sit
Unless you don't mind climbing
Boxes upon boxes
Filled with unwanted thoughts and useless memories
Emotional pain and aquamarine
I've got myself down to a "t"
But how can I forget the words that were said
And how much they meant to me.


I'm sick of people asking me about you
Like I'm supposed to know where you are
And what you're doing
I wish I knew where you are
I wish you were with me
Here, now
I want you to be with me forever
I'm sick of haing feelings for no one but you
I'm sick of how no one can possibly compare
To you
I'd give you the world
I'd give you everything I have
I wish that you would take it.


At this moment I feel infinite
Like I'm at one with my emotions
Clawing at my brain and myheart
Scared to death that I'll never get out
I've emptied myself like a drained lake
But I no longer cry
I am, myself, one large teardrop
Always falling
Dropping to the floor
Ans as I hit the cold, hard concrete
I separate into a million pieces
Each one representing on of the things I feel at this moment
And as I continue
I'm choking back all the words I want to say
And all the things I want to do
I can't be myself anymore
I'm dying


I hate you just as much as I love you
And trust me, that's a lot
Every time I see your face
I'm over come with anger and pain
Wanting and sadness
...Joy and happiness
Every time I hear you name
There's a rush of adreniline to my heart
And memories of the way things were
Knowing it's the way things should be now
Praying it's the way things will be again in the future
I pray to God every night for you
Prayers without delay
I never once hesitated when I told him all I want for the rest of my life is you
I never once lied to you
When I told you that I'd love you forever
I meant it.
That's the difference between you and I.
We both made the promise...
But I meant it.
I want to go back to the says when it was "forever"
Nothing stood in our way
You even said yourself "we're stronger than everyone else"
And I can still remember when you promised that you'd never let anything bad happen to us
So how did you let this happen?
fuuckk this   
03:34am 26/08/2003
  Run away and hide
From all your secrets and lies
Cut all ties
All the things that bind
You to your former life
And all the times you cried
Because of the way you felt inside
Remember the one time
When you felt like your heart died?
Well, I feel that that all the time
I can't seem to get back in the game
Your image lives with me
In undying fame
This is really such a shame
You left almost as quick as you came
Now I'm never going to feel the same
Everything is left up to you
Will you follow through?
Do you really have any clue
Exactly how much I love you
Not any less than before
That's for sure
I definately love you even more
Than I did then
I have no need to pretend
I don't want you as a friend
So you can break and bend- me
I want you to be my lover
I want to lie with you under covers
I want to be your baby's mother
Because I could love you like no other
So, please.
Reconsider me.
If not now, sometime in your life.
I consider you.
All I need.
My fantasy.
Because I love you.
You can think of me when you forget your seatbelt, and again when your head goes thru the windshield   
03:15am 19/08/2003
  Maybe when I'm older I'll understand the world
Sometimes I feel so old
But I'm still very young
So why aren't I having any fun?
I look out my window
Today is so dreary
I wonder where the animals hide from the rain
They come out when the rain is gone
Where will I be when the thrill is gone?
Well, I guess the thrill was lost a while ago
And here I am
All alone
Where did the thrill go?
Can I please have it back?
And while you're at it, will you also return my heart?
Because I'm kind of lost without it
I wander from place to place
Never really knowing where I'm going
Or what I'm doing
I'm always lost within myself
Always at constant war with myself
I can never go easy on myself
So can't you please be easy on me?
I may look happy, act happy
I'm really a mess
I may say I'm ok
But I'm torn apart inside
I need to get away
Away from this place
Away from you
Away from everything that reminds me of you
Everything reminds me of you
I need to get away


I can't stop what i'm doing
My mind is traveling faster than light
I'm rushing, I'm running- going so fast
But there's still not a damn thing in my sight
I sit and stare at pictures that have lost their meaning
I've grown accustomed to this empty feeling
I lose track and stare off into space
But I'd so much rather be staring at your face
Everything means nothing anymore
I cant help myself, I always cry
You cask me what I'm doing this for
I cant help myself, I cant say goodbye
"You'd better watch, or you'll spend your whole life dreaming"
I'd rather be dreaming if the real world is what I'm seeing
And I'd rather be trapped in the deepest pits of purgitory
Than watching you smile and telling your happy stories
It's like you stabbed me in the heart
Then pushed me down the steps
Maybe someday I'll forgive you
But right now I just wish I could forget
Your smile is what kills me most
Your image has become a sort of ghost
Forever haunting my memories
Forever the blood in my arteries
01:46am 14/08/2003
  Time heals all wounds
But all wounds leave their scars
And my heart has become a battle ground
Filled to it's capacity, thus far
I'll do anything, at anytime
Anything to get my mind off of this
Anything that prevents me from being around
Whenever you two kiss
I'm always sneaking away
And always trying to hide
Always going upstairs
Or taking a walk outside
I don't want to hide anymore
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
Everday I sit and wait
I'm waiting for this feeling to begin
I never feel like myself
Maybe I've become someone else...who knows?
Everything that I put myself through...
How well does this show?
I should just get it tattooed across my forehead
"Loser without a cause"
How about a permanent marker?
With which I can point out all my flaws?

ehh...brain's not workin
     Read 2 - Post
You can have the best of me...   
04:12am 12/08/2003
  Empty feelings have lost all meaning
Cut yourself on paper hearts covered in razor blades
Choke and gag on poisonous kisses
Wasting your life hoping for better days

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God this is the last breath I take
Despite my attempts at a different life
To this turbulence, every morning, I still awake...

There's now a dictionary in my head
For every word we ever shared
And an encyclopedia in my heart
That records every moment that you cared

If I could draw, I'd draw for you
I'd express to you my hurt and pain
I would paint for you the way we loved
So you could remember if forever - never again

Stumble across my own fumbled words
Nothing ever comes out the way I mean
I can never say what I really want to you
It seems like the "I Love You"'s have never been

I stand in the dark, your shadow touches mine
Make-believe is the only love I can find
I'm running fast, I'm burning out
Everything you are is one of a kind

I'm losing sight of everything I see
When I look back, my footprints have faded away
The tracks of my past have become completely lost
Since you've been gone, all I can do is wish you had stayed

I try to deny these feelings I have
But these feelings are stronger than words
Yet these feelings still mean nothing to you
And shedding these tears has become such a bore...
How can I feel anything for anyone other than you?   
11:30pm 10/08/2003
  Everything that's new
At some point gets old
All the things you never wanted to know
Eventually get told
Every new beginning
Always turns into an end
There's no happy ending
No matter how hard you try to pretend
People change
I guess that's a fact
No matter how much you wish
Things would stay in tact
You can never go back
Full-blown heart attack
It's so hard to get back on track
When everything you need
Is the one thing you lack
You can never go back
Full-blown mind collapse
The only place you wish you were at
Is lying face down
On the train tracks
You hear the train running
Full speed ahead
All your pain flashes before your eyes
Then it happens- you're dead
Because all good things come to an end
No matter how much you try to pretend


You have this way of breaking a heart
And not even knowing you did anything wrong
You have a wonderful way of twisting my emotions
And making me feel like I don't belong
You've mastered the act of making me feel dead
And making my life worthwhile
It's because of you that I'm sad
...It's becasue of you that I smile...
04:13am 07/08/2003
  Love like this
Is the worst kind of pain
If I look at you too long
It's because I'm kissing you in my head
And if I stand too close
It's because I'm holding you in my head
I'm reminding myself of the things we did
Like the way we used to cuddle in bed


I hope you get your heart broken
Never to recover
I hope you end up laying in your bed
Crying under your covers
I hope that you feel this pain
Maybe then you'll understand
I hope that you start to go insane
Then you'll know why I am how I am
I hope you cry yourself to sleep everynight
And wake up with salk crusted to your eyes
I hope you see things from my point of view
Where love is the devil in disguise
I hope that you get your heart broken
And you need somone to comfort you
I hope that you get your heart broken
And you will comfort me, too


I want to make you feel pain like you make me feel pain...I want to make you cry like you make me cry...I want you to feel the way that I feel...I want you to know exactly what this is like.
07:56pm 05/08/2003
  Slash my wrists
And bleed myself dry
I'm done with this
I have no more tears left to cry
And in my last breath
I'll speak your name
From this moment on
Things will never be the same...


I talked to your picture
While I cried last night
I told you how much I missed your face
And how I missed your eyes
I said that I missed your nose
And every other part
But what I really missed the most
I told you how badly I missed your heart...
01:40am 05/08/2003
  Day after day
I sit here and wait
But everything's still the same
Time drags on
Never yielding to me
The days go so slow
Although I wish they would go faster
Sometimes I wish I could just kill myself
Or you
Or anyone who brings me down
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away
That way I'll never feel anything again
No love, no pain
No lonliness
Which is the worst pain of all
Sometimes I wish that God would just answer my prays
I pray evernight
But still, nothing changes
I tell myself
"You're too hard on yourself"
But I never go easier
Always go harder
12:47am 05/08/2003
  All i really wanna know is why? Why did this happen? Why can't this be easy? Why does it have to be so damn hard? Why did you have to change your mind? Why do you get mad whenever I try to talk to you about this? Why can't you realize that I'm never gonna get over anything unless we talk and you answer my questions? Why was it so all-of-a-sudden? Why do I cry all the time, when you never cry at all? Why do I feel all this pain, and you only have good feelings? Why do I have to be so in love with you? Why can't you completely understand me? Why can't I hate you? Why do I have to see you together? Why don't you understand how hard that is? Why can't we make this easier on ourselves? Why do I want to be your friend so badly? Why do I wait for the next time that I see you? Why couldn't we have made things better while we still had the chance? Why wouldn't you let me fix it? Why did you have to take back everything you ever told me? Why did you have to break every promise you ever made me? Why did you have to break my heart?  
My problem is you make me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore   
02:51am 04/08/2003
  Do you remember these clothes?
Crumpled up and lying on your bedroom floor
Do you remember the activities that took place?
And how you always asked for more
Do you ever think of these things?
Even every once in a while
The way that I made you crazy?
And the way that I made you smile
Do you remember how we used to lay on your bed?
Or the nights that we talked for hours?
Do you remember the time you weren't supposed to be here?
But you still came, and you brought me flowers
Do you remember that look in my eye?
Whenever they met with yours
Do you remember how bad it hurt?
And all the things that could have occured
Do you remember what you felt?
That day, on the phone
The day you told me you didn't love me
The day I ended up alone
Is there even the tiniest bit of regret in you?
Do you even feel bad at all?
God, I wish you told me in person
But you only had enough guts to make a phone call
I knew I shouldn't have left this place
When things weren't going well
I expected things to be a little different
But I didn't expect this complete living hell
One day you told me you loved me
Two days later, you were through
How long were you lying to me?
I never expected this from you
Now as I sit here and think
I imagine how things could have gone different in my head
I see all the things I shouldn't have done
I hear all the things I shouldn't have said
Although you say this isn't my fault
I can't help but think that it was
I could have done so much more for you
But I did always say I loved you just because
And pardon me if I still do
I can't change the things in my heart
The first part of our relationship has ended
And I'm praying for the moment that the second part starts


Do you remember the time
When we first met
In the boys gym
Underneath the basketball net
You seemed so perfect
You said you'd never cause me any pain
Now I'm scared to death
To ever love again
And now my heart lies
Bleeding in your hands
Will you please replace it
And make me whole again
Only you can fix this mess
That you have caused
And it can happen very easily
If you would just hold me in your arms
01:58am 03/08/2003
  These nights drag on
As if they'll never end
My thoughts are lost
In the dark and the heat
All I hear is my heart,
And the crickets outside.
I wish to hear your voice
If only for an instant
And I wish to taste your kiss
Just once more
So that I can savor it for eternity
These nights drag on
Never threathening to quit
They serve as my guide
So that I, myself, never quit
These nights inspire to me to what I do best
To hide in the dark,
In the shadows of life
Let things pass me by
Although they're actually slicing me apart
I'll learn to live
Live with these nights
Take in my surroundings
Then cry crimson tears
Tears of blood and disgust
Pain in it's finest form
Takes over all
But only on nights like these
This is when the pain is the worst.
     Read 4 - Post
04:52pm 02/08/2003
music: taking back sunday
I'm forced to cry myself to sleep again
My nights are starting to follow a trend
First I begin with my thoughts of you
Then the memorty of how I ended up getting screwed
The things you said- how they'll never come true
And this broken heart- broken by you
When I finally drift off, I see you in my dreams
But when I wake up things aren't what they seemed
I see all the things that remind me of when we were together
You words remain in my head- "Don't worry, we'll be like this forever"
But our love, our relationship, has become very weathered
You lied to me when you said you wanted to stay together
I lay outside and stare at the stars
And I remember how you promised me you'd take me that far
But suddenly there was a huge stop sign
And you no longer wanted to cross the line
Things weren't good, everything was no longer fine
I never saw this coming, you never gave me a sign
So now I sit here and complain night after night
It's not doing any good...but I wish that it might
You used to be...strong words now fade away
I wish you'd look at me and want to stay
There's only one more thing I want to say
I just want this horrible pain to go away


Welcome, come in
Abuse me again
Throw my heart in the fire
Put the gun to my head
But before you pull the trigger
Please, just hear me out
You don't understand the things in my head
You don't know what it's really about.


I can't seem to ever
Get you out of my head
I'm so distant in yours
I bet you wish I was dead
Why don't I make this easier on you
I'll cut my throat
Open my veins
And let the blood flow
I'll put some away
And save it for you
That way you'll always have a part of me
But never again will I bother you
Would you cry at my funeral?
And would you think you made a mistake?
Would you not care at all,
Or would your heart break?
Welcome to my world   
04:22pm 02/08/2003
mood: bored
music: the monkees
So...this journal is just gonna be for my writing. Something to do I guess...Hope you like it.