Angel of Khaos' Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Angel of Khaos

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

oh theres an empty place in these bones.... [13 Feb 2004|09:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | tonight not again by jason mraz ]

this very may well be the last entry in this journal.
and i'm going to pretend like its not.

i played Magic with andy this morning.
i didnt get any coffee though.

we watched a film about costa rica in spanish. well, at least i did. george and chris at least looked the the TV. everyone else was rude and didnt pay attention.

lit. was dull, as usual.

lunch was fun, as usual. i love bianka, she's my best friend, and that will never change. andy gave me a duct tape rose. and bianka. and carrie. i feel......special.

band was better than usual, but only because we spent the whole time actually playing my favorite song.

bianka told me something that i feel bad about. (and i didnt even do it this time, w00t). yemi bought roses and gave them to nataly, and then he asked her out. according to bianka, this is a bad thing. and so i feel bad about it. *sigh*

biology was awesome. we disected the worm today. it was great, minus the part where taylor decided that sticking a worm in my face is a good idea. then he called me a dork for working on my own. asshole. well, at least he taught me how to make the worm poop.

anyways, anthropology was boring, but i got to sit in an awesome seat.

geometry was awesome. Tati teached the class and i learned a lot better. we got our tests back and i didnt fail! yes!

well, thats all. i really do want to rant, but i dont feel like posting it here.

<3, but not really, for the last time

-singtherapture


http://www.blurty.com/users/missing_asofnow

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living in the shithouse..... [11 Feb 2004|08:40pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]
[ music | cut the curtains by billy talent ]

the lyrics are really "living in the shadows" but it sounds like "living in the shithouse"

yeah ok, hi.

man, today was......dull.

mreh got to school. did math. walked to band room with coffee in hand. as i stood in the doorway, waiting for the jazz band to finish, taylor decides that standing next to me is a good idea. what an idiot.

Hecate
Hecate


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


awesome, heheh.

anyways, afterwards, i talked to michelle. she got a 6% one her essay. ouch.

went to spanish. it was dull.

went to lit. it was dull. i read Bobo's part in the story thingey.

lunch was fun. average, but fun.

mreh.

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!


Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla


HAHAHA i wish.

You are...a  L o n e r...
You are a LONER. Tho u like being with other
people, it's nice to have some time for
yourself too. And sometimes people are
annoying...so it's better to be alone and do
whatever you like. So yeah...go away!


Yet another personality test ^-^ (nice anime pics!) NEW outcome!!
brought to you by Quizilla



yeah, the author is a complete fag.



Your Inuyasha! You are a punk, you like to pick
fights and hate being in school, your grades
are slipping but you don't care, you are having
to much fun to actually do anything about it!


What Inuyasha Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


DAMN STRAIGHT I'M INUYASHA. MAN, I RELATE TO THAT FUCKER BETTER THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE. t'is why i love that show so much....XD i dont know why he gives a fuck abuot kagome tho. shes so annoying. and such a BISHOUJO!! I HATE MARY SUES!!!

anyways. i forgot. homeroom. nothing special.

band was blerrg as usual.

biology was alright. we had a lab today which was ok. i found out that taylor has a 60 something in biology and he made ten points less that i did on that test. FUCK YEAH!!!


holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



anyways. anthro was dull. i took notes tho.

geometry was dull. i was really frustrated and i took it out on poor bianka. i feel so bad now, biankas such a great person.

michael's a complete idiot. he thought a good topic to discuss with me is masturbation. i gave eric a pleading look and then he started talking to michael and threatened him. it was great.


You represent... anger.
You represent... anger.
Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to...
freak out easily. Overly emotional about
everything, you're most prone to bouts of
cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be
afraid of the fact that you explode so easily,
but at least you're honest... even if you're
honest about not liking anything.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


HAHAHAH DAMN STRAIGHT


gandalf
Congratulations! You're Gandalf!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


YES!!! HAHAHAHAHA


hmmm...
are you scared of something?.......have any bad
things happend to you recently?


I love my strange quiz!! ^_^
brought to you by Quizilla



SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!



hahahah ok.



i'm home.




done with my ritual cleansing.




i feel......cleansed.




w/e fuck you. lets all go and die. together.




"yeah, you be the crime lab analyst and i'll be the dead corpse of the criminal. you'll tear off the peice of my flesh where the scar you gave me is and hang it on your way. see? we'll always be connected."


XD



some ppl just plain suck.




<3, but not really,


-jessica



CALL ME! CONTACT ME! HUG ME! CARE ABOUT ME! HURT ME! MAKE ME CRY! I DONT CARE! JUST DO SOMETHING TO PROVE THAT I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU, PLEASE!

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dsfgmnske it4eu56 w35jkjvnb idjgfse5r64586 mncvbdnbfkghKJHSFKEHEUITR WEUIRHTWUIERHT UR [10 Feb 2004|06:06pm]
[ mood | nbkjuyt87T876uhghjBJUYt876 ]
[ music | prisoners of today by billy talent ]

every body is tired and poor and sick of trying!

if you see me on a corner, will you stop or will you splash me?

take a look at what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of a prett family on a postcard picture perfect, i dont want it!

so i hold my breath until my heart explodes

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

you can steal my body but you cant steal my soul!

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes!

shitty weather, bad timing, lucky penny glued to the ground

dirty look from a total stranger, hope you get lose and you're not found!

take a look at what we've become, nothing more than silhouettes of a prett family on a postcard picture perfect, i dont want it!

so i hold my breath until my heart explodes

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

you can steal my body but you cant steal my soul!

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes!

this is how it goes!

so unsrew my head, and then rinse it out

polish my thoughts, turn into doubts!

so i hold my breath until my heart explodes

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

you can steal my body but you cant steal my soul!

cause this is how it is and this is how it goes!

--this is how it goes by billy talent

good stuff.

anyhow, i had some gooooood coffee today.

but before that, katie hurt my feelings. i almost cried. almost

hung out in the band room. fun stuff.

had an adrenaline rush from band room to spanish. it was great.

spanish = boring

lit = results on aptitude test. i didnt get the two i wanted (writing a/o journalism). plerrrg.

lunch = damn fun

band = damn hyper

anthro = damn BORING

i got a 120/300 on the essay. fuck.

geometry = wtf?!

bus = me and shawn being giddy

and here i am. rant done.

DSGFNHIKEWURHTUI4WH56 435H3OIB YW4E7623YBGKBVHDFK,DZFGK,EHANOI47Y5327G6T529 DHTRKW EUGTEsrasadgfdgadfgdsfg wetrYR GTUKEYRGTKEWHGT KWUE4YT74 NBV JKHSDGJKSDGHR DFGHJDS GFJKkjhlkdlagjkhdsluri498654386bv 777T VEURTGEWHGTRDFG DSFGHEIRT 4K6H BIWE8YRG JDSHRGFUEIYRT8EWRYT jkds


yeah.......thats how i feel like right now.

i got two hugs from andy today! ^-^

DSGH8IRE9Y675N BUFJGY MOE457YG

yeah, ok, i'm done.

made my blurty all pretty.

got a good muse.

its too bad i suck at writing.

and i'm not being like, modest or anything. i seriously believe that my writing isn't good.

fho8y549o6 4vbhjk,fgn.

sdfgjkki456,

-jessica

ps: HJGBuyt98THJBvj768gJKHo86GH

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FUCK! [09 Feb 2004|06:56pm]
[ mood | FUCK ALL OF YOU!! ]
[ music | VOICES OF VIOLENCE BY BILLY TALENT ]

i wanna set something on fire.......i wanna watch flames leaping.......i wanna watch something die...........i wanna see blood flow.......i wanna shout at everyone...........i wanna tell the world to go to hell.........but there aint nothing anyone can do about it. especially me.

what i think will soothe me right now is a nice bike ride.
WELL, GODDAMNIT, I DONT HAVE FUCKING BICYCLE.

thats where andy lucks out.

i wanna rip my face right out of my head. i'm so fucking UGLY

this is the part where i wish that i still lived up there in illinois. in mundelein, i could just hope on my bike and get away from it all. in chicago, i could take a walk around outside.

i just desperately need to get away from it all.

i wish i was old enough to get in my car, and drive away.

its not fair that my mother still has to drive me everywhere. i hate her! i hate it when she tags along with me everywhere! i need to be an individual!!! i need to get away from it ALL, HER INCLUDED!!!

FUCK!

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MY DAY SUCKED ASS, THANKS FOR ASKING!!! [09 Feb 2004|06:22pm]
[ mood | irritated ]
[ music | LIVING IN THE SHADOWS BY BILLY TALENT ]

today severely sucked ASS

i got to school early and bought some coffee. caffiene is damn good. i bought some coffee and it spilled all over my goddamn pants. at least it was on the leg and not somewhere else. and it didnt leave a big stain. i was hyper all morning.

arrrg. Takeshi is so hot.....too bad he's a movie star in Japan and not the boy next door or something..........heheheheh. Same with whats her face! She'd make a good friend of mine!

anyways, spanish was fucking boring. i did my dream poem in that class. I just made up some bullshit about the color blue, because that was the only color sharpie I had on me. i colored in the background, and it didnt look that bad, seeing as the sharpie was dying and it made a cool fade effect. I had to be ms. johnson in A Raison in the Sun. it was.......blerrg. I love acting, even if its for someone who's the complete opposite of me.

lunch was hell. i hated lunch today.

band was hell. i hated band today. and every day......

biology wasn't that bad. i wanted to wallow in my misery, but we're learning about taaaaaaaaaapewoooooooooorms. how fascinating. what upset me is that mrs gray annouced that i got a 96 on my test which was the highest score in the class, and taylor wasnt even in the classroom!!! IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!!

anthropology was hell. field trip in march, tho. XD

NAVAL!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

FUCK! I'M IN THE MOOD TO RAISE HELL!!!

Billy Talent does that to me.

geometry sucked today. mr grant had something up his ass.

came home.

I NEED TO GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING WITH SOMEONE!!!! ERRRG!!!

oh hey, i forgot, danielle wanted to do something this afternoon.....

oh well.

we'll reschedule.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck


its sad that the fastest word i can type on the goddamn computer is fuck. it used to be 'salad'.

Dontkickdyckee: ...read a book
SallyOfRhapsody: fuck no
Dontkickdyckee: why not
SallyOfRhapsody: because. i just read all of staying fat for sarah byrnes yesterday and i'm not in the mood to read anything else. besides, theres nothing good to read in my house and i've seen all the good movies 20 million times and i'm sick of my ps2
SallyOfRhapsody: hardly anyones online
SallyOfRhapsody: and my computer is old enough to qualify for prescription viagra.

do they sell that stuff? prescription viagra?

mreh. SOMEONE GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE PLZ!!!!!!

bianka and i had a situation at lunch. she said that it would be pretty stupid to get pissed at it, tho. WELL, I GUESS I'M PRETTY STUPID. errrg.

OK FINE, SO THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTAND. THATS GREAT. TELL IT TO ME WHEN YOU FUCKING FIND THEM!!!

NO ONE AROUND ME UNDERSTANDS. OR THEY MIGHT, AND THEY JUST DONT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO GIVE A DAMN!

I'M FUCKING MAD AT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. CANT YOU TELL!?!?!!?!?!?

so what is it with you people? hm?

I'M GONNA GO JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF NOW! SEE YA IN HELL!!!

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bianka [07 Feb 2004|11:59pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | clint eastwood by gorillaz ]

how do i sum up bianka?

theres so much to her.

she's so special to me.

she makes me want to cry.

she makes me want to live

she makes me want to die.

she's my sister.

she knows me better than anyone else.

but does he really know me?

of course not. i dont even know myself, how can she know me?

there are those times when i wish that i was different, so i could please her.

then there are those times when i'm perfectly happy, just the way we are.

i dont know if shes filling the void, or just making it worse.

i dont know if she tries to make me feel like shit, or if its just what i look like when i stand next to someone like her.

i dont what she thinks.
she doesnt know what i think.
or does she?

damnit all.

i need a hug.

she was there for me, when i broke down. she helped me through some tough times.
but she didnt really understand wat i was going through
just like i'll never understand what she's going through.
and i mean, sure its good to learn about other peoples lives to not stay ignorant
but there are times when other peoples lives are just too different
there are some tiems when she's the best friend in the whole world
and there are some times when she's the easiest person to be jealous of
she makes me feel like absolute chicken shit sometimes
sometimes i wanna scream at her
sometimes i wanna give her a bear hug
sometimes i wanna be her
sometimes i wish that she was me.

but theres not anything that i can do about it

and thats why she's one of the most dearest things to my heart
and thats why she's slowly tearing me up on the inside

thats why i want to break into tears and have someone comfort me

but, the only person who's ever comforted me, was her.

who do i turn to when the person i usually do is that cause of so many problems?

her scent still hangs around the house.
its pleasant
but so painful

i set my book down on the couch where she sat last night. i pick it up and theres some long ass hairs on it.

i stare at the undrunk glass of tea.

i stare at the grill that cooked the tortilla that she didnt like.

she's so picky when it comes to food.

she doesnt really like anything that we serve her.

well, i mean, i didnt like that one candy she gave me.

but its not like it was a meal or anything.

but it doesnt bother me.

at least, thats what i keep telling myself.....

i have a headache.

i need a hug.

i need someone to cry to.

anyone.

this is getting too much for me to handle.

one day my top will explode. the lava will burn all in its path. you better watch it.

i mean, like i told bianka: its not really eric that i miss, because now, it just feels too much like an old fantasy, but those hugs are real, and fresh in my mind, and i miss those so much.

thats the first time that i began to even let bianka know anything about the magnitude that eric meant to me.

whatever.

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on a more serious note.... [07 Feb 2004|11:41pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | love is real by jason mraz ]

its been a while since i had a serious entry, and i'm in a pretty serious mood, so this won't be that happy.

bianka knows now. i let it slip. i dont remember how it lead up to the point where i slipped, i just remember slipping.

i dont know why i have to keep things from her.
well, yes i do, i just dont know why it has to be that way.

well, theres no doubt about it now, now that bianka knows.

but then theres eric.

what am i going to do about eric? i can ignore him. thats heartless. and besides, i might even still love him.......or do i? like i said, it doesnt feel real. nor does this.

its funny how my friends can be so clued in, yet so utterly oblivious at the same time. well, all of them minus bianka.

and here i am, jealous of yet another Bianka-ism.

i hate stories of something that you wish you had, or wish you could do, but you can't. it just makes me jealous.

everything makes me jealous. i'm jealous of so many people. i mean, seriously, name almost any person and there'll be something that i'm jealous of.

i wanna go home. i miss chicago so much.....i cant wait until i can move back to chicago. but see, my roots have already dug into this damned georgian soil and can be easily removed, but theres only two things holding me back....

two things that i hold so dear to my heart. one of the things knows how dear she is to me, and the other one has no idea.

man, i'm homesick. winter always does this to me....

i miss my old home. i remember it. 717 East Hawley Street, Mundelein, Illinois, 60060. we moved when i was eight, and in the third grade.

its terrible to be uprooted from such a beautiful place
and then thrown into georgia

georgia ruined my life

if there wasnt georgia, i'd at least be in florida.

do you see why it was hell for me last year to learn about georgias history?

oscar said that i sounded like hugo from a year ago. it.....sparked my interest.

i dont want to live like this.
i want to leave
but like i said, there are those two things, holding me back.

i want them to be gone, but if they leave, it would hurt me so badly, that i'd kill myself before i even returned home.

home.

its thousands of miles away.

home.

chicago.

mundelein.

i just wanna go home.

when can i go home?

i'm so lonely right now.

i'm going to sit in front of my computer now, staring at the screen, wishing that i wasnt alone anymore....

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Yari: That sounds like you. Me: What? The toilet? [03 Feb 2004|07:40pm]
[ mood | i feel like the old me again. ]
[ music | just creatures (for a while) by 311 ]

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Classified
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? black
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? sallys song
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? popcorn


6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? black
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? crisp
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? yari, though i was trying to avoid the whole damn conversation.
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? NO I HATE MICHELLE. SHES SO FAT! jk, michelle's awesome! XD
10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? unusually chipper
11. FAVORITE DRINK? ANGEL FOOD SMOOTHIE FROM SMOOTHIE KING
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? dont drink. yet. heheheheh....
13. FAVORITE SPORT? *sucks up to mich.* color guard. nah, jpjp, i'm too lazy to care for sports.
14. HAIR COLOR? hispanic (yes, its a hair color)
15. EYE COLOR? hispanic (yes, its an eye color)
16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? thank God i do
17. # OF SIBLINGS? two
18. FAVORITE MONTH? may, august, and september. (school dies, my birthday, and biankas birthday, respectively.)
19. FAVORITE FOOD? PLAIN GLAZED DONUTS!!
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? cowboy bebop the movie
21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? biankas birthday
22. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? rant to everyone else but the person i'm mad at until everyone wants to strangle me.
23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? HAHAHAH this is a great question for bianka *coughshoelacescough*
24. SUMMER OR WINTER? autumn
25. HUGS OR KISSES? depends.
26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? well isnt this a racist question. shame on you aaalll.
27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? not unless they dun wanna
28. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? SATAN!!
29. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? my late tio eduardo
30. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? its a house. with a roof. if you really fucking care about where i live, why dont you just come over?!
31. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? when andy hurt my feelings yesterday
32. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? the Hobbit Association of America head quarters
33. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU'VE HAD THE LONGEST? this is tough. all my friends tend to abandon me......
34. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? cried
35. FAVORITE SMELLS? laundry
36. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? anything and everything. so how come i cant find a good muse?
37. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? see blurty entry from yesterday....
38. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? microwavable.
39. FAVORITE CAR ? jeep wrangler!
40. FAVORITE FLOWER? pffft. who needs flowers?
41. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? actually, i keep my keys on a necklace around my neck (that i got from a gas station). on it is my house key and some old diary keys and a keychain that is a red heart with a keyhole in it. i like keys.
42. CAN YOU JUGGLE? only two at a time
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? friday. most people say saturday, which i also like, but i like friday because even though i have to go to school, i can see my friends that i wont see anywhere outside of school, so its relaly not that bad for me.
44. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? too long ago to remember.....
45. DO YOU OWN A DONOR CARD? yes. thats why im missing my right kidney......

my day started out pretty shitty.

buuuut it picked up.

we had a sub in spanish, it was ok. lots of work tho.

susanne and i passed notes in lit. it was cool.

lunch was pretty good. bianka and i didnt sit with andy because of how he hurt me last night (she's so loyal ^.^). then i made a funny comment about how andy doesnt care about me, only bianka and her two buddies. she turned orange. it was funny. yemi's so nice. he explained some stuff about "men" to us.

but still. it was really hurtful for andy to say that. i mean, he's said it before, and i've taken it, though it hurt, but this time it was just too much. and after that comment he made at the blitz. what bianka said is right, he does have a tendancy to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

holy shit. man, i wish that i saw the superbowl just to see what happened with the janet jackson thing.....

anyhow, after lunch, band sucked.

after band, i ran to the bathroom, and since i didnt want to be late for class, i threw off my sweater and lucky for me, the sleeve lands in the toilet. at least the toilet was flushed....

i ran to biology and was late, but the teacher didnt say anything.

theres a feeling deep in my gut, but i have no idea what it is and it can only come out as a chuckle every time i think about how taylor frickin' lively is in pre ap wh ab!! when i learned this, i started cracking up and i dont know why, because its not like its funny or anything.....

anthropology was great on account of michelle and i are friends again. i apologized. of course i lost all dignity whatsoever, but it was worth it. as soon as i said i was sorry, michelle turned to me and gave me a hug and said "that took balls". FUCK YEAH IT DID! heh...

SallyOfRhapsody: DONT APOLOGIZE. THE ENXT TIME YOU APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESNT NEED APOLOGIZING I WILL DRAG YOU BY YOUR NON EXISTANT BALLS AND CHOP OFF YOUR TONGUE AND FEED IT TO THE DYING PEOPLE OF AFRICA!!
SallyOfRhapsody: THAT WAY, YOU'LL NEVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN!
queuecaribou: ok
queuecaribou: man i was about to say sorry
queuecaribou: but i didnt

anyhow

we went to the library today, and so did biankas class, so i sat next to bianka all period and had a wonderful and jolly time. t'was great.

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! I actually payed attention in math class and took notes!!!! i even had my homework!

bad news, i'm going to costa rica next june. i dont wanna go....

so i got on the bus after school ended and said hi to shawn. he smiled. i said, "looks like you had a good day" and he did that weird smile thing that i love and then showed me where someone purposely spilled gatorade on his pants. i said, "well, if its any consolation, my sweater fell in the toilet today" he did that smile thing again.

yari called and i was desperate for an excuse to not talk to her......*sigh*

right now, all i ask from andy is an apology, and i'll be all set to be friends with him again. heh.

hugs are great great things. you can express so much with one hug. i mean, call me weird, but you call tell what kind of person someone is by the quantity and quality of their hugs. take ben for instance, his hugs arent that common, but not that few, and when you get one, they're always so cold and distant. with bianka, she always gives me hugs when i ask for them, some are just good bye hugs, some are thank you hugs, some are best friend hugs. i remember eric's hugs. they made me feel loved......and safe.....
alicia's hugs are "thanks for being a friend" hugs and everyone else's are just like, "hey jess" hugs. oscars hugs are of course just words, but i cherish each one.

but see, i no longer have those hugs that eric used to give me, and i miss them more and more as my life goes on.

i am over eric, officially. i knew it by thinking all period about what had happened, and how it doesnt seem real.

for me, when things dont seem real anymore, then i'm over and done with it.

eric doesnt seem real to me anymore.

but the hugs are all too real.....

<3 (but not really)

jessica

2 comments|post comment

damn karma [02 Feb 2004|09:07pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | fukai mori by do as infinity ]

love:

Noun
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. 3. a. Sexual passion. b. Sexual intercourse. c. A love affair. 4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. 5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. 6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love. 7. a. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.

why wont anyone give me any love? ok, maybe not the sexual intercourse part, but why won't the someone i want to love me, love me?


damnit all to hell.

i dont understand! how come everything i do is wrong?! i dont try to be this way....

i only want to be loved.....but somehow i end up with everyone mad at me, or me learning just how awful some people can be!

DAMNIT PEOPLE. JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN HURT AND LEARNED FROM IT, DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE.

all i want, is a hug right now.

i dont know what i did that was so terrible, that i cant even get a best friend who can sympathize with me.

i wonder if bianka feels the same way.

a poem:

Nor Do They

If love and hate
Were to suddenly reverse
I wonder,
Would i be the only one
Sitting all alone?
For no one loves me
Nor do they hate me....
Or do they?


I was going to submit it for Vox, but anna wasn't here today. besides, its not good enough to get into there anyways. like biankas.

we all live in shadows
we just wont admit it
we just wont accept it
we just wont understand it
we just wont acknowledge it

its true

we are the ashes of humanity

we are they way we are because some people love us, while others hate us

and in the end, we die alone

whether theres someone by your side or not

you're all alone

and in the end, everything is your fault

no matter what, its all our own fault somewhere along the line

its my fault my knees abandoned me today. it was trying to teach me that i should just give up walking and sit down for a bit.

its my fault george wasnt in class today. i scared the little fucker off.

its my fault susanne didnt have her book in class. [insert some random way that its my fault here]

its my fault that andy stared at biankas chest all lunch period. mine aren't good enough. (HA)

its my fault that i wasnt in tune today. i took the mouthpeice off and put itback on the wrong way.

its my fault that taylors in my biology class. since we're not in the same band, we still have to see each other because its a cruel joke god's playing on us

its my fault i cried in anthropology. all my pain is brought on myself.

its my fault i'm an idiot when it comes to math. i kill all my brain cells in every way possible.

if you ever have anything to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE

be honest with me

i want to feel pain

its the only thing that lets me know i'm still alive

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my phobias [02 Feb 2004|08:16pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | the remedy by jason mraz ]

i figured it out. i'm eremophobic (fear of being lonely), monophobic (fear of being alone), isolophobic (fear of isolation), athazagoraphobic (fear of being ignored), mnemophobic (fear of memories), gerascophobic (fear of growing old), Anthropophobia (fear of people, sociophobic (fear of people in general or society), scopophobic (fear of being seen or looked at), anuptaphobic (fear of being single), Dishabillophobic (fear of undressing in front of others), Primeisodophobic (fear of losing one's virginity), Obesophobic (fear of gaining weight), Logophobic (fear of words), and Phronemophobic (fear of thinking).

and thats only the stuff on the list....

<3 (but not really)

arithmophobic (at least thats what i'm telling mr grant ^.~)

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abandoned [02 Feb 2004|07:54pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | obsession by seesaw ]

one by one, my friends leave me.

not all the time by ones, sometimes by multiple numbers.

i dont believe i've had a good friend stay by my side for more than a year and a half.

and it hurts me.

i lost amy

i lost keru

i lost han

i lost eric

i lost michelle

i lost emily

i lost andy (does he even count?)

i lost yari

i lost stephanie

i lost nikki

i lost jake

i lost bryce

i lost mike (oh god please dont let him be gone........)

i lost bran

i lost zach

i lost oscar

i lost shawn

and i'm sure there's other people.

its not that i've lost these people forever, its just that things will never be the same again.

who's next? please, god, dont let it be bianka.

i dont want to lose the only person who seems to semi-care and understand.

but then again, how can she udnerstand me, when half the time she's opposing me.

how can she even stand me?

maybe she can't.

maybe its all an act.

maybe she really doesnt like me.

maybe shes only being my friend because she doesnt have the heart to tell me that she doesnt like me anymore.

it sounds like bianka. she doesnt have the balls to really hurt anyone.

and its not a bad thing....

why does everythng about me have to be so contradictory?

and why cant i hold my word? is that why i dont trust anyone? because i cant trust myself?

i cant believe anyone because i cant believe myself.

damnit all, i'm worse than pond scum.

lulu is awesome. shes my favorite character. its so sad that chappu died.
however, at least she found someone else: wakka.

someone kill me before this week is over, please.

i wonder what the fear of lonliness is called. i'm going to look it up.....

<3 (but not really)

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just look for me.... [01 Feb 2004|10:51pm]
[ mood | intimidated ]
[ music | the screams from the voices in my head intertwining with their beautiful hymns, and their tiny whispers..... ]

my head feels like its being crushed on both sides

as if its trying to squeeze out the tears

its......semi-working

why do i always screw things up with the ones i care for?

ie: eric, oscar, michelle, andy, bianka, keru, han, amy, emily, an, shawn, ben, and i'm sure there are other people....

i feel so little right now. like a bad virus. you know, so tiny, so invisible, but can cause so much damage....and can be damaged easily with a vaccine.

but, there are those already immune to me....

and those are the ones i want to get to the most.

but, i'm afraid i'd get them mad at me.

i just want to have something that doesnt get messed up in one way or another.

i hate avoidance.

i hate ignoring things.

i hate all of this.

i mean, talking to some people is like talking to a wall.

and those are the walls i want to break down....

those other flimsy walls, i broke down too easily. maybe my swords were too sharp, because, like a mosquito, i bit, i drew blood, and i irritated to the point where i was killed.

there are times when i want to hurt people.

but not the people i love.

yet those are the ones i usually end up hurting

or maybe i'm giving myself too much credit

maybe they're not hurt, just irritated to the point that they hurt me, be it unknowingly or not.

my eyes are betraying me, for the world is now shaking.

its now painful to even look.

to hear what the world is really trying to tell us would be great.

but we're all so loud.

and her voice is so tiny....so old, and frail.

and she has so much longer to go.

or does she?

there are some certain people, you know who you are, dont ask me if you're one of them, who really need to let me know how they feel about me. tell me if i annoy you, if i hurt you, if you hate me, if you just want me to go away and never come back. just please, let me know.

even if you think the truth will hurt me, it wont hurt as much as depriving me from it.

trust me......

some things, will never be the same again.

i know it sounds ridiculous, but right now, i just need a hug. i need not someone to wipe my tears, but to encourage them, until they're all gone, and i needn't cry any more. i just want to feel.........safe.

looks like tonight, the only things wrapped around me will be my cold, heartless blanket trying to keep my body warm while the darkness falls around me, but never in me.

i'm sick of lying.

even white lies. i hate white lies. they're so common, you never know when someone's lying or not.

the truth exists, no matter how often you try to avoid it. you'll have to face it eventually, and you're not getting stronger as you go along. you're getting weaker and overrun by more and more truths, because you didn't take the first one on when you had the chance.

tomorrow, i think i'm going to try to be as truthful as i can. i'll try my absolute hardest not to make up stupid excuses. i wont hide my opinion just because someone else doesnt agree with it. i wont lie and say something's good when its really not.

and then, i'll be in my corner. not physically, not in reality, but in the world where everyone really is, but doesnt want to admit to it and acknowledge its existance. i'll be there, just look for me.....

truthfully yours,
jessica

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ROFLMAO [01 Feb 2004|07:45pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | 1/2 by Kawamoto Makoto ]

Hugo's an idiot. XD



SallyOfRhapsody: pffft you're an idiot
HKReaper916: :P
HKReaper916: An idiot with access to a database of passwords
SallyOfRhapsody: haha oh yeah, really now. so, you're saying you could find out my password if you wanted to?
HKReaper916: What makes you think I don't have it already
SallyOfRhapsody: HA ok, then what is it?
HKReaper916: What makes you think I'd give it to you?
SallyOfRhapsody: BECAUSE ITS MY PASSWORD IN THE FIRST PLACE
HKReaper916: I know.
SallyOfRhapsody: so then, waht is it, dont worry, you can trust me, i wont tell myself what it is.
SallyOfRhapsody: hrm?
HKReaper916: hrm
SallyOfRhapsody: no, 'hrm' is not the password.
HKReaper916: hehe
HKReaper916: I think ur password is cut
HKReaper916: cute
HKReaper916: :P
SallyOfRhapsody: my password isn't cute.
HKReaper916: yes it is
HKReaper916: the way its spelled
SallyOfRhapsody: see, now you're trying to eliminate possibilities by making stuff up and then waiting to see if you were right or wrong. you really are an idiot WITHOUT a password data base
SallyOfRhapsody: and btw, my password is spelled correctly.
HKReaper916: :P
HKReaper916: hehehe
SallyOfRhapsody: i'm telling you that, at this rate, you'll never figure it out. its based on a fact that i've told, like, everyone, but no one remembers. thats why i use it.
SallyOfRhapsody: but keep trying, i like this game.
SallyOfRhapsody: XD
HKReaper916: XD
HKReaper916: lesbianlove?
SallyOfRhapsody: omg
SallyOfRhapsody: howd u guess
SallyOfRhapsody: you're soooo right hugo
SallyOfRhapsody: let me tell ya
SallyOfRhapsody: you're so smart
HKReaper916: nooo
HKReaper916: its
HKReaper916: asiangoth
SallyOfRhapsody: ROFLMAO try it and see what happens.
HKReaper916 signed off at 7:30:37 PM.

*convo on msn*

my OBSESSION, those ICE BLUE EYES, I AM soaring AT THE STARS, I'LL DO ANYTHING for THIS LOVE says:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA omg dont tell my u signed off to see if that was my password.
<~~> says:
?
my OBSESSION, those ICE BLUE EYES, I AM soaring AT THE STARS, I'LL DO ANYTHING for THIS LOVE says:
XD

at this point, someone else IMs me:

HRPenguinV926: hi
SallyOfRhapsody: shaddup hugo
HRPenguinV926: ???????
HRPenguinV926: XD
HRPenguinV926: :P
SallyOfRhapsody: this is funny hugo. wow, you really know how to brighten my day
SallyOfRhapsody: XD


this guy signs off. and someone else IMs me:

XxSk8rGurl88xX: like hi
SallyOfRhapsody: you've done this one on my before
SallyOfRhapsody: XD
SallyOfRhapsody: twice
XxSk8rGurl88xX: :P

a few minuts later......

my OBSESSION, those ICE BLUE EYES, I AM soaring AT THE STARS, I'LL DO ANYTHING for THIS LOVE says:
btw, you can sign back onto your normal sn now.

seconds later:

Darkstryke2002: Fear me.
Darkstryke2002: Ah crap
Darkstryke2002: the font gave me away
Darkstryke2002: I'll show myself out.
SallyOfRhapsody: HAHAHAHA

(his font is always Times New Roman bold, aqua, black background)

HKReaper916 signed on at 7:38:27 PM.
SallyOfRhapsody: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha
SallyOfRhapsody: that was hilarious
HKReaper916: XD
SallyOfRhapsody: that was great.
HKReaper916: Indeed

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i hate being jealous of my past.... [01 Feb 2004|05:42pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | i am by hitomi yaida ]

damnit.

haro.

good morning.

ohayo, [insert name here]-chan.

oh wait, never mind, its getting dark outside.

ha.

yesterday had its ups and downs.

i have to admit it, i was looking forward to the fundraiser, because i wanted to spend time with bianka, be it an awful fundraiser or whatever.

i had fun. lots of fun.

until it all came crashing down with just one bad joke (was it a joke?).

man, i was pissed after that.

i hated our area. the only people who really wanted to help were broke.

everyone else sang the same song (off-key of course):
"we're not in control over these types of things. you'll have to go through our corporate blah blah blah..."
americans.

well, hey, hugo's right. we're all american, in a sense.

my tummy hurts.

and now its happening again. the "avoidance of what pissed someone off earlier". this has happened like, three times to me in the past two weeks (twice last week including today)

so after the blitz, we dropped tim and andy off at the school and then we went to eckerds to buy nataly a bday present. after that we came home and i changed and then we left for biankas house

the party was real fun. too bad that nataly had known.

man, there were a lot of pretty people there. i felt so...not pretty.

wow there were so many pretty asian guys....

one was a jackass though. so he wasnt pretty any more.

there was this guy there who liked like Stan and ashton kutcher combined.

i was dead by eleven, so mom took my home and i crashed on my bed and died.

today i woke up to my mother yelling at me to clean my room.

i hate her.

i feel like watching a movie.

someone take me to the movies.

cuz i'm broke.

heheh.

i accidently scratched my ten two game. i hope it doesnt ruin anything..... : (

hey, i didnt PMS this month. its great.

so, i'm looking for some lavender and pumpkin pie scented perfume

men, just letting you know, Axe body spray doesnt work like the commercials say it does. it smells really really......manly though. it smells good......but it doesnt make us automatically wanna have sex with you. HAHAH.......yeah.

i wonder if nataly likes her gifts. i love gifts. even giving them. i love giving and recieving gifts. its so much fun.

hhmmm.

valentine's day is coming up soon.

i dont know if i should be looking forward to it or wishing it would never come
every year i dream of the most perfect thing to happen on valentines day then hope with all my heart that it happens, but it never does, which always leaves me feeling crushed and disappointed. i tell myself every year to not hope for the best because the best will never come, but i can't stop myself from thoughts like those.

i hate being alone.

ok, is it just me, or was yemi hitting on me last night?

or is he that way with all the girls?

yeah, ivan was "befriending" too last night.

i wonder if food wants to be eaten or not. i mean, like, for example, if theres a bad looking orange and no one wnts to eat it, does it feel left out and lonely, or happy that no ones going to eat it?

*twitch* old chocolate is...........good?

its surprising how much of a bastard some people can be.

i remember last valentine's day, only due to re-reading old rants of mine in an old journal of mine that i kept on microsoft word. man, i fell hard. those rants are so disgusting. i read them and kicked myself because i hated my self for writing and thinking those things. boy was i different back then......

i hate those days, yet i yearn for them more than anything else in the world. I truly am jealous of my past.

will i be jealous of what i have now in the future?

i wonder, is someone out there thinking about me right now like they say?

i wonder if theres someone out there who's desperate to be my friend. i wonder if someone out there thinks that they'll never have a chance with me. i wonder if someone thinks i'm not good enough for them.

nah, thats impossible.

everyone has a chance with me, i'm pond scum.

and lonely.

-jessica

PS: i've just been informed from my league of spy chipmunks that the squirrels have ran away from home to be pirates. go figure.

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note: [30 Jan 2004|10:03pm]
you guys, if you ever want to read some of my more personal stuff meant for only those closest to me who i can "trust" can see, then ask to be listed as one of my friends, and then sign in before reading my journal......
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i heave a little sigh for you..... [30 Jan 2004|09:07pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Change The World by V6 ]

*listens to freckles*
*so today i learned the basics of magic. complicated game with a lot of complicated math.
*we had a party in spanish celebrating august and january birthdays. i had no one to talk to, so it wasn't really that fun.
*we read a poem in lit. that i didnt like, though it expressed some of my feelings.
*once again i had a good time at lunch. i absolutely love sitting with carrie, bianka, yemi, and andy. its so much fun! it beats the hell outta my corner.
*oh yeah! how could i forget! andy gave me a real hug today! its the first time he's ever given me one of those! its a miracle. now, if only he didn't wait for me to ask him...nah, thats asking for too much... ^^;;
*anthro was pretty good. the worst thing about it is that all the china stuff made me nostalgic about the good ol' days with keru and han and amy again. good stuff about it was that i got to sit next to andy. : ) like, everyone hates me in there now because i was the first one to send in the correct answer.
*geom. was terrible. i had no earthly idea what the test was about. omg, when mr grant was passing out tests, he handed one to me and he said "oh my god!" and then he walked off. i had no idea what he did that for. Then when he passed out the other sheet for the test, when he got to my desk, he muttered something. it was either "here you go" or "very good". if it was the latter, lets hope he meant how i was doing on the test. when i went up to hand him my test, he said "thats a very...interesting outfit jessica" not knowing what to make of that, i thanked him. scary shit, man.
*the prep rally wasn't that interesting until it got to the faculty/students b-ball game. amazingly, faculty won. Miss Robinson (the lady who has a penis) sucked. I say that Mr E., B-Rob, and Dr. Lynch should've played. That would've been great. i sat next to andy and susanne and near merrick, liz, and shawn. *shudder* taylor was behind me......
*andy gave me a magic card. i feel bad about it though, because now he has to replace the card, *tear* but its really cool, and i like its quote. it applies to me in a certain sense.
*i also like andys quote about love: "how can anything so foolish be so powerful?"
*well, i rode the bus home for the first time in forever. i miss shawns old hair. it sucks that he had to cut it. its like, if bianka cut her hair. it just wouldnt be the same.....
*i love my dog. he's the sweetest animal in the world, and he's always so excited to see me. the only one who ever is truly happy to see me. he doesnt care if i'm ugly or fat or a bad person. he loves me because i'm me. if only there was a human out there in the world like that, just for me.....
*i came home and got the piss scared out of me cuz the vacuum cleaner somehow turned itself on.....t'was odd.
*played some ten. then i got bored of it and just let myself die so i could hear the pretty game over music.
*i tried calling amy, but she wasnt home.
*liz called and wanted to go to swayzes. in the end, no one could make it, not even me. i'm grounded cuz of my grades.
*i called keru b/c liz told me to. it was an......ackward conversation. she thought i was someone named emily at first. i was hurt. oh well.
*then i made a mess in my room from all the clothes i was trying on to see if they still fit. nope, they're still too tight cuz i'm too chunky.
*AIM won't let me sign on and it makes me sad.


i'm writing a rant/poem right now and a poem called "faceless", and i drew a picture to go along with it, but its not very good.

i wonder.....do i still miss eric, now that i feel for another?

or, do I feel for another?

love is so confusing. its such a waste of energy.

i feel bad whenever bianka tells me one of her merrick stories of when they were best friends. i feel like i stole bianka from merrick. same with andy. i feel like a terrible person. hell, i am a terrible person.

if white people who act black are called wiggers, and mexicans who act black are called miggers (i think, don't jump on my back if i'm wrong), then what do you call chinese people who act black?

...........where's oscar?

we looked up three words in class today: pity, compassion, and sympathy.
Synonyms:pity, compassion, commiseration, sympathy, condolence, empathy These nouns signify kindly concern aroused by the misfortune, affliction, or suffering of another. Pity often implies a feeling of sorrow that inclines one to help or to show mercy: felt pity for the outcast. Compassion denotes deep awareness of the suffering of another and the wish to relieve it: ?Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism? (Hubert H. Humphrey). Commiseration signifies the expression of pity or sorrow: expressed their commiseration over the failure of the experiment. Sympathy denotes the act of or capacity for sharing in the sorrows or troubles of another: ?They had little sympathy to spare for their unfortunate enemies? (William Hickling Prescott). Condolence is a formal, conventional expression of pity, usually to relatives upon a death: extending condolences to the bereaved family. Empathy is an identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives: Having changed schools several times as a child, I feel empathy for the transfer students.

and that is why i do not pity. that is why i'm not compassionate. however, i sympathize. Commiseration is for the weak and ignorant. Condolance: Thou can shoveth thy proper English upeth my arse, fuckers. Empathy is too loose of a word for me.

I can only sympathize. And when I do, i do not really pity whomever I can sympathize with. If I had to go through it, they'll go through it too, and live with it. Fuckers.

l'heureux est morte
la vie est courte
adorer, je ne peux,
donc la mort, je veux
-shawn

isnt that a great poem? he's really good. i'm torn up about who's poem i should use for my unpublished poem in my project. i want to use one of bianka's, because she's such a good author and my best friend. i want to use one of shawn's because they're so personal. ever "mr bear". i want to use one of nataly's to show mrs sanford that i am acquainted with one of her most favorite students ever. i want to use one of eric's that he wrote about me.......her poison lips, her poison touch. I can never forget that one line. I've forgotten the rest of the words, but that one line will stick in my head forever.

andy's so perverted.

Lavamancer84: rocket?
SallyOfRhapsody: hmm?
Lavamancer84: hand in my pocket, waitin' for my rocket to come
SallyOfRhapsody: heheh yeah great song
Lavamancer84: is that the euphamism i think it is?
SallyOfRhapsody: depends on what the fuck euphanism means
Lavamancer84: like metaphor
SallyOfRhapsody: oh, well, what "euphanism" do you think it is?
Lavamancer84: well what do you mean it to be
SallyOfRhapsody: it means whatever you think it means
Lavamancer84: wholly shit
SallyOfRhapsody: O.o
SallyOfRhapsody: unless you're thinking perverted
Lavamancer84: duh
SallyOfRhapsody: then you're faaaar off.
Lavamancer84: o
SallyOfRhapsody: geez i had no clue you were this perverted.
Lavamancer84: its jsut one thing i heard on the radio one time
SallyOfRhapsody: really?! they play that song on the radio?!
Lavamancer84: one of Dr suess's worst books "My Poket Rocket Needs a Socket"
SallyOfRhapsody: oh
SallyOfRhapsody: nvr mind
SallyOfRhapsody: no nothing to do with dr suess
Lavamancer84: well taht too was a euphamism
SallyOfRhapsody: haha yeah
SallyOfRhapsody: but no.
Lavamancer84: and you don't want to reaad guys minds
Lavamancer84: at least not mine
Lavamancer84: trust me
SallyOfRhapsody: O.O

kris wasn't at school today so i couldnt give him that hug i owe him.

oh well.

and i'm also debating about which song lyrics i should use for the poetry project. well, at least i'm not at a loss for poems.....

Lavamancer84: the way to a guys mind....
Lavamancer84: is through his scalp
SallyOfRhapsody: ha ha ha.
Lavamancer84: get a drill and a rool of duct tape amd meet me at school on mon
Lavamancer84: THIS SHALL BE KNOWEN AS OPERATION DESERT CLAM

.....i miss oscar. he needs to come back......*tear*

well, i'm going to go and lament on how much i suck and how lonely i am.

<3 (but not really)

post comment

life sucks, and then you die. - katie [29 Jan 2004|10:02pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | my will by do as infinity ]

today sucked.
katie's so....self-absorbed. she wouldn't let me talk at all this morning.
spanish is stupid. at least i get a party tomorrow. at least i have a 100 in there
lit. was stupid. i can't even remember all that we did. i just remember the poetry project, which i know i'm going to love.
lunch was fun, as usual. i love lunch this semester.
band was...ok. michael's cool to talk to. : )
biology was dull. bianka walked into the room without me noticing. i'm such an idiot.
anthropology was....scary. i hate that class.
geometry was naptime. i hate that class.
after school, i went with susanne to the library and found the answer out to the extra credit for anthro. i will worship her. without her, i wouldnt have gotten it.
then alicia and i got kicked out of the school for no good reason.
band sectionals were fun. i sat next to alicia. it was great.
i waited so long for my mom to come and get me. i did a good lot of my biology hwk, and i'm still not finished.
i have a playing test for three notes tomorrow just because the asshole saxophones can't play worth shit.
then i came home and here i am.
i told han a secret today.
oranges are messy.
i hate my mom.
i really and truly hope she dies.
tonight, i pray to god that she does.
thats the only thing i wish for.
my mothers death.
bitch.
i want it all painted black.....
black.....
black.....
it doesn't even begind to cover it.
i'm writing a poem right now called faceless woman and i'll have a picture to go along with it. i think i might submit one or both for the Vox thing.
Hate, truly is lovely.
And love, truly is hateful.
Damn them both.
I was reminded of Han and Keru today in anthropology (China lecture). It hurt so much to remember them. I miss them so much.
I take all that i said evil about you know who from previously. those were terrible thoughts and i regret thinking them.
Damn them all.
I SAW FRODO!
He's really pretty. I want him.
Alicia got a wonderful love note from a hot asian today. I can only wish. I've never gotten a love note from anyone. It makes me so jealous to hear Bianka tell me about people who used to have huge crushes on her. Why do I have the be the one who was never truly loved?
Why did Eric lie so much? It was terrible not knowing if he was lying to me when he told me he loved me. It was terrible not knowing if he meant it when he called me beautiful. Its terrible to have to wonder if the whole thing was just a god forsaken lie.
I also hate it that I still care about him.
I'm just a curbside prophet wiht my hand in my pocket, waitin' for my rocket to come.
Where is he?
How long must I wait?
And while I wait, why can't I perfect myself for him? I want to be the perfect person for him. But, I can't. And by the way things are going, I never will be.
Love sucks.
And so does Anna.
I wonder if just for one day, I could read guys's minds. That would be great.
I wonder how many guys undress me with their eyes. I'll slap them all.
Where's Oscar? I miss him. I have to apologize. I think he blocked me. I hope not. I want to be his friend again.
I want to break down into tears right now. I used to love crying, because there was always someone to comfort me. Now there's no one. No one's shoulder to cry on. No one's gentle hand to wipe my tears. No one to wrap me up into a bittersweet embrace.
Love is a bittersweet embrace. Everyone needs one, and everyone gets some. Some may be small and short and insignificant, but then the others can be so warm. It's always so wonderful. Until it comes to an upbrupt end. And then everything gets cold. You long for another one, but you can't always have one.
Damnit all.

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OK, I LEARNED MY LESSON! I WILL NEVER BE AN ASSHOLE AGAIN! [26 Jan 2004|09:27pm]
[ mood | LIKE BASHING MY HEAD ON A WALL ]
[ music | the repetitive *f* word in my head to any random tune. ]

LoadedXForEffect: Love is such a strange word, hard to believe and yet it is there. Love is said to be forever, but forever always ends. There's no real way to define love. Every way has alredy been defied. Love can not be descibed in words nor actions. Sometimes it can not be descibed with even feelings. The word is thrown around loosely. With no feeling or meaning behind it. It has turned into another nice thing to say. Most love is a lie, a person says they couldn't love somebody more, until the next person comes along. Love becomes an obsession, spending every passing second with them. Never getting your mind off them.
LoadedXForEffect: Love becomes sympathy, not leaving them because you'd feel bad. Love becomes a casualty. When the person is just available. No real feelings for them. Love has become just another word with no real meaning, a word that nobody can figure the real meaning to, and a word that nobody can comprehend. Love is something not to fool around with. Love is broken. Love isn't love. It's just another four letter word.



too true. I've vowed to myself not to use that word lightly a while back when bianka and i talked about it. however, i accidently let it slip a few times.

shame on me.

i just took a shower, and i thought about all the snobby, mean, concieted, rude, and stuck up things that i've said to eric when we've gone out, and i'm truly sorry. maybe he's not the bad one. it's me.

eric, i know you'll prolly never speak to me again, but i just want you to know that i'm sorry. i see now what i've done wrong. i'm really sorry. i miss what we had.

its not me who should be ashamed, its you. and i'm sorry that i was.

anyways, i think i'm fully over him now, and ready to become his friend. unfortunately, he won't accept me as his friend now. I don't blame him, seeing as I damned him to hell. HA.

*listens to techno*

anyways, i was so damn sleepy and my goal today was too fake sick to my mom so she would let me stay home. too bad she didn't fall for it.

i was dead by the time i got to school. i walked all the way down to the badn room and it was locked. i was alone basically the whole time.

i was early for first period. god george is so amazingly attractive........

lit. was dull and stupid.

lunch was great again. i absolutely love sitting with andy bianka and yemi, even though yemi barely gives me a chance to speak myself. O.o

band was alright. michael is really nice. my contact came out and i had my hand raised for like a year before b rob noticed. then i ran as fast as possible down the hall wiht a contact in my hand....

biology was dull. i got a new seat, in front of taylor. ooooooooh what now?! bastard. he was absent today. hate to admit i missed him.

anthro was gay. i cried in anthro. i cried in geometry. but ashleigh is so nice, that i couldnt help but feel better around her.

i drew an awesome picture of mr grant on the board. heheheheh.

after than i went to dr schaner's. *shudder* i hate those people at the front desk. I decided that i deserved five peices of candy for what they did. americans.

then i came home and became a loser.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

as of right now, i'm really fucking screwed:
SallyOfRhapsody: did you see mr frodo today?
SMALLfry770: YES!
SMALLfry770: THRICE!
SallyOfRhapsody: AWESOME
SallyOfRhapsody: NOW
SMALLfry770: but he checked out during second period
SMALLfry770: :*(
SallyOfRhapsody: TAKE A PICTURE
SallyOfRhapsody: aww
SallyOfRhapsody: i'm srry
SallyOfRhapsody: wait,
SallyOfRhapsody: how do you know that?
SallyOfRhapsody: wendi's right.
SallyOfRhapsody: you do stalk him.
SMALLfry770: huh
SallyOfRhapsody: ......
SallyOfRhapsody: -.-;;
SMALLfry770: he';s in the french class right behind mine!
SallyOfRhapsody: oooooooooooooooooooooh
SMALLfry770: i dont stalk him!
SMALLfry770: he's in the class behind mine!
SallyOfRhapsody: mesa didnt know that
SallyOfRhapsody: lol
SMALLfry770: yeah
SMALLfry770: i dont stalk
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: seriously
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: SERIOUS!
SMALLfry770: he is in the french class behind mine
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: and he walks through mine to get to his
SMALLfry770: and i see him in the hallway
SMALLfry770: i dont stalk
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh sure
SMALLfry770: thatd be crazy
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: do you have a TOD yet
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SallyOfRhapsody: oh
SallyOfRhapsody: uh
SallyOfRhapsody: lol
SallyOfRhapsody: it wont let me get one
SallyOfRhapsody: *kills TOD*
SMALLfry770: oh, sorry
SMALLfry770: heh
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: yeah, they are strange like that
SallyOfRhapsody: uh huh
SallyOfRhapsody: sure
SMALLfry770: *yawns*
SMALLfry770: ok, thats getting old
SallyOfRhapsody: too fucking bad
SMALLfry770: heh
SMALLfry770: dude
SMALLfry770: did you turn in an essay
SMALLfry770: today
SallyOfRhapsody: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA no.
SMALLfry770: seriously?
SMALLfry770: wow
SallyOfRhapsody: did i turn in my modern atlas?
SallyOfRhapsody: no.
SMALLfry770: wow
SMALLfry770: why
SallyOfRhapsody: cause i'm an idiot
SMALLfry770: oh
SMALLfry770: oh
SMALLfry770: and lemme guess
SMALLfry770: you are not reading GE?
SallyOfRhapsody: HAHAHAH yeah right.
SMALLfry770: :D
SallyOfRhapsody: however...
SallyOfRhapsody: Random Person: Jessica, are you dropping out of AP World History next semester?
SallyOfRhapsody: HELL FUCKING YEAH
SMALLfry770: oh, why
SMALLfry770: you are brilliant, you just need to try
SMALLfry770: why dont you
SallyOfRhapsody: cus i'm not smart and i'm a slacker
SMALLfry770: heh
SallyOfRhapsody: wtf are sabres?!
SMALLfry770: you know, winterguar sabres
SallyOfRhapsody: *blink*
SMALLfry770: flags, rifles, sabres, etc
SallyOfRhapsody: *blink*
SMALLfry770: it is understood that girls who do sabre (IN WINTERGUARD/COLORGUARD) have cute butts
SMALLfry770: why does no one outside of guard get that
SMALLfry770: what losers
SallyOfRhapsody: maybe because we have better things in life to do than twirl flags.
SMALLfry770: hey
SMALLfry770: hey
SMALLfry770: heynow
SMALLfry770: i could get a lot of ppl angry at you
SMALLfry770: you come and see us then
SallyOfRhapsody: hahaha i dun care
SallyOfRhapsody wants to directly connect.
SMALLfry770: ask emily! she got kicked off!
SMALLfry770: and
SMALLfry770: what do you do aside from slacking off?
SallyOfRhapsody: i'm an author
SallyOfRhapsody: i'm working on two novels
SallyOfRhapsody: and i'm working on a manga right now
SallyOfRhapsody: and btw, ouch, that really hurt.
SallyOfRhapsody: serisouly.
SMALLfry770 has not responded; no connection was made. (If you and your buddy are each behind a different firewall, then the connection will not work; check with your network administrator if you are not sure about your firewall status.).
SMALLfry770: all online?
SallyOfRhapsody: no. i write for my own pleasure, not anyone else's. no one need read my books til they are finished.
SallyOfRhapsody: i'm srry, but i think color gaurd is no better than cheer leading.
SMALLfry770: cheerleading?
SMALLfry770: CHEERLEADING!?!?!?!?
SallyOfRhapsody: (>^_(>O.o)> <----- gay kirby dance
SallyOfRhapsody: HAHAHAHAH
SMALLfry770: no
SMALLfry770: its not cheerleading
SMALLfry770: its anything but
SallyOfRhapsody: blah blah blah
SMALLfry770: have you ever seen us
SMALLfry770: have you ever tried it
SMALLfry770: you cannt make assumptions if you have never done somthing/see it
SMALLfry770: *cannot
SallyOfRhapsody: I can assume that sex is pleasurable, and I've never seen it nor done it.
SallyOfRhapsody: I can assume that being kicked in the balls is painful, and I've never seen it or done it.
SallyOfRhapsody: i dont think you have the right to tell what i can and cant assume
SMALLfry770: i am not talking physical crap that ppl think about
SMALLfry770: i am talking sports
SMALLfry770: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY C/G IS LIKE CHEERLEADING
SallyOfRhapsody: however, you have the right to remain silent
SallyOfRhapsody: you have the right to blink
SallyOfRhapsody: you have the right to inhale and exhale at any rate you choose
SallyOfRhapsody: you have the right to pick your nose and do wahtever you want with it
SallyOfRhapsody: : )
SMALLfry770: but
SMALLfry770: colorguard is a sport
SMALLfry770: its not mindless baffoons cheering
SMALLfry770: chocolatethun8da: I hate people that judge guard. She has no fuckin' idea of how hard it is. I have broken my fingers and toes countless times and had to do shows anyway
SallyOfRhapsody: ok, you both need to chill out
SallyOfRhapsody: whoever the hell the other person is
SallyOfRhapsody: we're all entitled to our own opinions
SallyOfRhapsody: if i'm an ignorant butt, let me be an ignorant butt
SallyOfRhapsody: and chill out
SallyOfRhapsody: smile
SallyOfRhapsody: be happy
SallyOfRhapsody: put a smile one your face
SallyOfRhapsody: put a smile on your face
SallyOfRhapsody: watcha gonna do, oh watcha gonna do?
SallyOfRhapsody: HERSHEY'S
SallyOfRhapsody: AHAHHAHAHAAH
SMALLfry770: i cannot jessica
SallyOfRhapsody: I cannot Michelle either. Its not a talent of mine.
SallyOfRhapsody: : )
SallyOfRhapsody: HAHAHAH,ok, you're friends are all, like, going to jump me tomorrow, right?
SallyOfRhapsody: OoOoOo! The Ignore Kirby Dance! I know this One!

<(X.X<) ... -----> ... (>-.-)> <(-.-<) o 0 O ~~~~
(

SallyOfRhapsody: OOPS
SallyOfRhapsody: didnt finish
SallyOfRhapsody: ah well
SallyOfRhapsody: you get the pic
SallyOfRhapsody: : )
SallyOfRhapsody: aw, c'mon, if you're mad at me at least talk to me. confrontation and communication can solve a lot more problems than you think.
SallyOfRhapsody: if you're not going to talk to me, at least block me so I know how you feel
SallyOfRhapsody: O.o
SallyOfRhapsody: *crickets chirp*
SallyOfRhapsody: *clocks tick*
SallyOfRhapsody: *candles burn out*
SallyOfRhapsody: *monkeys evolve into super monkeys and take over the planet and enslave humans and use color guard as amusement*
SallyOfRhapsody: ooooh, what now?!
SallyOfRhapsody: *grin*
SallyOfRhapsody: I'm just digging myself into deeper shit now, aren't I
SallyOfRhapsody: um, all hail michelle?


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

these people are my friends. i dont want to loose them for something stupid like this.

goddamnit!

i hate myself.

doode, i'm such a fucking hypocrite! i told bianka that she shouldn't assume! GODDAMNIT. ITS TIMES LIKE THESE THAT I WANT TO TAKE THE KNIFE TO MY THROAT AND JUST MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS. I'M SUCH A FUCKING LOUSY HYPOCRITE! I'M LOSING MY FRIENDS ONE BY ONE AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. I WANT TO FUCKING CRY.

its time like these where i really need someone to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok......

but theres no one. things aren't going to be ok. i'm fucked.

she's not responding.......

i'm going to go crawl into a corner now and.....die.

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i wish.... [25 Jan 2004|04:24pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | carry on dancing by savage garden ]

hmm. i read candace's list of wishes on her LJ, so it got me thinking to write my list of wishes. It isn't a "wish list" because people tend to think that they can give me something on the list. some of these things no one can give me but me. other of these things require people, and you are people, help me make my wish come true?

i wish it would snow in sixty degree weather
i wish i lived in chicago
i wish i was beautiful
i wish i could be happy with myself
i wish i could listen to other people's advice
i wish i could be happy with what i have
i wish eric never happened
i wish i was as perfect as bianka
i wish i knew the truth about myself
i wish i had a penguin as a pet
i wish that i could have one of those david hugs candace was talking about
i wish i would stop lying about what it is that hurts me
i wish i was talented
i wish my computer wasn't a piece of crap
i wish i had all the music i wanted
i wish i owned the mall
i wish that i could understand my dreams
i wish that dancing in the rain didnt make you sick
i wish that i could be just the right temperature all the time
i wish that i could see the stars at night
i wish the moon could tell me her story
i wish that all the inanimate objects in my life could tell me their stories
i wish my teddy bears were real
i wish my imaginary friends weren't imaginary
i wish i could relive my childhood
i wish i could take all the good nineties rock music and put it on one cd and listen to it for the rest of my life
i wish i knew the meaning of my life
i wish i had a real religion
i wish i wasn't such a hypocrite
i wish i could settle my problems
i wish i could climb the tallest mountain, then jump off and never come back down (crouching tiger hidden dragon)
i wish i played cello
i wish i could make beautiful meaningful music
i wish i had something in life that meant something to me
i wish i wasn't so self-absorbed
i wish the last ten wishes or so didn't begin with "i wish i..."
i wish everyone knew what i meant when i add elipses.
i wish someone would take me to swayzes
i wish i had a smoothie right now
i wish someone would give me a hug
i wish i would let myself be open about those things that people actually care about and not things that no one cares about
i wish i could tell you everything
i wish i had a sister like nataly, even if ivan had to come with.
i wish this list of wishes wasn't so long
i wish i was in love with someone
i wish someone was in love with me
i wish i didn't want to cry
i wish that i was oblivious, yet all-knowing, at the same time
i wish that i wasn't
i wish i would finally get around to writing that poem i wanted to write
i wish i didnt care about what other people thought of me
i wish i could get away from here
i wish i could forget it all and start over
i wish i would stop getting pissed at ignorant people. wait, no i dont.
i wish that people could get to understand me better
i wish we cared
i wish that one day people will do things for me without me asking
i wish i knew what everyone thinks of me
i wish i could go back to the good old days
i wish this dance will never end
i wish this dance would end right now
i wish that one day, i could stop wishing

i'm sorry for those of you who don't read the list. if you don't, i beg of you to please do. maybe you cna get to know me better. if not, then, i'm sorry to have wasted your time.

3 comments|post comment

My Blue Chair [24 Jan 2004|10:17pm]
[ mood | lovesick ]
[ music | love is only a feeling by the darkness AND love is real by jason mraz ]

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I mean. Hi.

Common typo. The keys are right next to each other.

Anyways. My life has been really blah so far. Thursday night I made a painful phone call, ending in me saying these last words, "damn you. damn you to HELL." *click*

GODDAMNIT I HATE MY FUCKING COMPUTER. IT CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. and i cant even get a new one. its not fair. i cant check my email. i cant play my music. i cant talk on msn or aim. it takes two hours to load one page. everything frequently fucks up. and my mother wont even get me a new one.

*sigh*

friday was ok. i was late for spanish, so ms moore made me go get a tardy slip. if i'm late once again, i have a lunh detention. its not my fault i have to run from the band room to first period.

Lit. was stupid. as always.

lunch was pretty good. i ate chicken soup and had a blue icee thingey. it was good. : )

band sucked, as always. i dont know if i was just paranoid, or if i heard correctly, or not, but everyone seemed to be talking about me friday.........

prolly jsut paranoia. i'm not like, popular or anything. well, cant be too sure on that, seeing as my essay is being teleported throughout the school. *grins*

biology was bleh. i went in depressed, came out pissed. i forgot my homework in my locker and she let me get it. how.....nice. then she yelled at me for forgetting my homework. then she yelled at me for headphones after the test. theh she showed us two movies, and between them, on normal tv, we heard this guy talking about trying ur hardest in music. taylor turned his faggot little head around and smirked at me. he needs to die.

anthropology was blah. i dont like buddhism. the only devout buddhist i know of is An, and it so does NOT suit her personality at all in the slightest.

i was thinking.......if everyone reaches Nirvana by becoming perfect, wouldn't it be kinda boring there? everyone would be the same. and perfect. how dull.

geometry was bleh. i got my test back. a D. and some side comments from mr grant, replying to my side comments. *grin*

afterwards, mommy picked me up from school with sarah jayne and matthew. i found out that amanda has cancer, but nothing too serious. she'll survive.

ok, i do believe this'll be a big rant.

its so unfair. i go to my friends page and see candace and michelle with their awesome lives. candace has david to love. michelle has so many friends. i hate befriending popular people like her. it makes me feel so insignificant. but i mean, candace gets to rant about these guys, because she has guys in her life. the only one in mine is andy, but he really doesn't seem to care about me.....adn eric is out of my life completely.
man, i would love one of those hugs candace talks about, that david gives her. i mean, right now, i might even have another one of my taylor crushes where i get a crush on this guy who despises me back (not taylor himself, just put myself in a situation like that) just because it'd be a whole hell of a lot more than i have right now. damnit all. besides, i totally fuct up my friendship with oscar, and he totally hates me now. hugo is hugo and there aint nothing i can do to change it. not that i'd want to, but i mean, c'mon, its hugo. what more can i say. the bastard suggested one time that i should get a crush on him when i told him how i'd always go for the guys who'd hurt me. damn him. i haven't gotten a real hug in so long. since.......wow. before halloween. i mean, i hug bianka all the time, but those are just, "bye, i'll see ya after class" hugs. i mean a good hug. a really good one. and how come no one gives me hugs?i have to hug everyone else before they come to me. i just wish that one day, someone will come up to me and surprise me with the biggest and best hug i've ever gotten. a hug telling me that they love, and care for me. a hug that says "you're safe in my arms". you know, something like that. i'm such a hopeless romantic. Hopeless being the keyword here. But......I know I'm not alone. So where is the other guy who's willing to love me? I don't bite. Well, not unless you want me to. I'm affectionate. I'm nice. I know I'm kinda rude sometimes, but I learned my lesson. I'll try not to be so moody, and I'll warn you when I'm about to PMS. I'll try my hardest to be perfect for you........I'll laugh with you, I'll cry with you, I'll love you. I promise.....

I don't remember if I already said this in an entry, but I'm really grateful for Bianka, despite my rants for a perfect best friend. Bianka is perfect. She's like my sister. But she's not my sister. And no matter how much I wish it, it'll never be possible. I doubt I'll ever meet someone who knows just how to comfort me. Funny, seeing as I know so many people who know just how to hurt me.

pleh.

"Love Is Only A Feeling"

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand

'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed

That the light of my life
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway, anyway

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
And we've got to stop ourselves believing
(It's here to stay)
'Cos love is only a feeling
Anyway.

that song saddens me. its about the love of my life who shan't ever come.

To...........him........:

Holding My Own"

Baby, everything has fallen into place
My life is so exciting now I've got my space
Like a splash of water on my face
Lately I'm doing what I can do to pleasure me
I'm finding time to focus on my fantasies
I'm satisfied in my own company

I don't need your permission
To take this matter in my own two hands

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

Lady, all we seem to do is talk about
We take apart and analyse our ins and outs
Honey, I would rather do without

No-one to answer to
I won't spend another lifetime begging you

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through
I'm holding my own

There's a spring in my stride
There's a twinkle in my dying eyes

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

*sigh* am i really holding my own? or is it just my front? i cannot tell these things to anyone face to face. i'm not the person who can tell things to people when they're capable of seeing the painful expression on my face. i don't want them to see the tears. They needn't see how much pain it all causes me.

Pillz, Spaz, and Duum.

vannessas party was ok. i felt really........isolated a lot.....hmm....

heheh. everyone thought i was goth. what idiots.

meaghan got so prep, its not even funny.

whatever. i'm gunna go wallow in misery in my bedroom, if its not too cold, and too empty and resonating memories.....if not, i'll sleep in my chair by the computer. thats one peice of my memories that i cant forget.......

my chair. so dependable, so strudy, so safe. made just for me. a jaded old chair, its time has passed. but its my chair, which makes it all better. the only little space in the universe where i'm comfie, and safe, and warm, and its mine....

god i love what that chair represents. its like a hug. a hug made just for me. but, it'll never be a true hug, nor can i true hug be like my chair. man, all the tears this chair hides inside.......

~for further references to how i feel, read my very first entry.

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