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mood |
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lovesick |
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music |
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love is only a feeling by the darkness AND love is real by jason mraz |
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FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I mean. Hi.
Common typo. The keys are right next to each other.
Anyways. My life has been really blah so far. Thursday night I made a painful phone call, ending in me saying these last words, "damn you. damn you to HELL." *click*
GODDAMNIT I HATE MY FUCKING COMPUTER. IT CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. and i cant even get a new one. its not fair. i cant check my email. i cant play my music. i cant talk on msn or aim. it takes two hours to load one page. everything frequently fucks up. and my mother wont even get me a new one.
*sigh*
friday was ok. i was late for spanish, so ms moore made me go get a tardy slip. if i'm late once again, i have a lunh detention. its not my fault i have to run from the band room to first period.
Lit. was stupid. as always.
lunch was pretty good. i ate chicken soup and had a blue icee thingey. it was good. : )
band sucked, as always. i dont know if i was just paranoid, or if i heard correctly, or not, but everyone seemed to be talking about me friday.........
prolly jsut paranoia. i'm not like, popular or anything. well, cant be too sure on that, seeing as my essay is being teleported throughout the school. *grins*
biology was bleh. i went in depressed, came out pissed. i forgot my homework in my locker and she let me get it. how.....nice. then she yelled at me for forgetting my homework. then she yelled at me for headphones after the test. theh she showed us two movies, and between them, on normal tv, we heard this guy talking about trying ur hardest in music. taylor turned his faggot little head around and smirked at me. he needs to die.
anthropology was blah. i dont like buddhism. the only devout buddhist i know of is An, and it so does NOT suit her personality at all in the slightest.
i was thinking.......if everyone reaches Nirvana by becoming perfect, wouldn't it be kinda boring there? everyone would be the same. and perfect. how dull.
geometry was bleh. i got my test back. a D. and some side comments from mr grant, replying to my side comments. *grin*
afterwards, mommy picked me up from school with sarah jayne and matthew. i found out that amanda has cancer, but nothing too serious. she'll survive.
ok, i do believe this'll be a big rant.
its so unfair. i go to my friends page and see candace and michelle with their awesome lives. candace has david to love. michelle has so many friends. i hate befriending popular people like her. it makes me feel so insignificant. but i mean, candace gets to rant about these guys, because she has guys in her life. the only one in mine is andy, but he really doesn't seem to care about me.....adn eric is out of my life completely.
man, i would love one of those hugs candace talks about, that david gives her. i mean, right now, i might even have another one of my taylor crushes where i get a crush on this guy who despises me back (not taylor himself, just put myself in a situation like that) just because it'd be a whole hell of a lot more than i have right now. damnit all. besides, i totally fuct up my friendship with oscar, and he totally hates me now. hugo is hugo and there aint nothing i can do to change it. not that i'd want to, but i mean, c'mon, its hugo. what more can i say. the bastard suggested one time that i should get a crush on him when i told him how i'd always go for the guys who'd hurt me. damn him. i haven't gotten a real hug in so long. since.......wow. before halloween. i mean, i hug bianka all the time, but those are just, "bye, i'll see ya after class" hugs. i mean a good hug. a really good one. and how come no one gives me hugs?i have to hug everyone else before they come to me. i just wish that one day, someone will come up to me and surprise me with the biggest and best hug i've ever gotten. a hug telling me that they love, and care for me. a hug that says "you're safe in my arms". you know, something like that. i'm such a hopeless romantic. Hopeless being the keyword here. But......I know I'm not alone. So where is the other guy who's willing to love me? I don't bite. Well, not unless you want me to. I'm affectionate. I'm nice. I know I'm kinda rude sometimes, but I learned my lesson. I'll try not to be so moody, and I'll warn you when I'm about to PMS. I'll try my hardest to be perfect for you........I'll laugh with you, I'll cry with you, I'll love you. I promise.....
I don't remember if I already said this in an entry, but I'm really grateful for Bianka, despite my rants for a perfect best friend. Bianka is perfect. She's like my sister. But she's not my sister. And no matter how much I wish it, it'll never be possible. I doubt I'll ever meet someone who knows just how to comfort me. Funny, seeing as I know so many people who know just how to hurt me.
pleh.
"Love Is Only A Feeling"
The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand
'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all
Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway
The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed
That the light of my life
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I
Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway, anyway
Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
And we've got to stop ourselves believing
(It's here to stay)
'Cos love is only a feeling
Anyway.
that song saddens me. its about the love of my life who shan't ever come.
To...........him........:
Holding My Own"
Baby, everything has fallen into place
My life is so exciting now I've got my space
Like a splash of water on my face
Lately I'm doing what I can do to pleasure me
I'm finding time to focus on my fantasies
I'm satisfied in my own company
I don't need your permission
To take this matter in my own two hands
'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through
Lady, all we seem to do is talk about
We take apart and analyse our ins and outs
Honey, I would rather do without
No-one to answer to
I won't spend another lifetime begging you
'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through
I'm holding my own
There's a spring in my stride
There's a twinkle in my dying eyes
'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through
*sigh* am i really holding my own? or is it just my front? i cannot tell these things to anyone face to face. i'm not the person who can tell things to people when they're capable of seeing the painful expression on my face. i don't want them to see the tears. They needn't see how much pain it all causes me.
Pillz, Spaz, and Duum.
vannessas party was ok. i felt really........isolated a lot.....hmm....
heheh. everyone thought i was goth. what idiots.
meaghan got so prep, its not even funny.
whatever. i'm gunna go wallow in misery in my bedroom, if its not too cold, and too empty and resonating memories.....if not, i'll sleep in my chair by the computer. thats one peice of my memories that i cant forget.......
my chair. so dependable, so strudy, so safe. made just for me. a jaded old chair, its time has passed. but its my chair, which makes it all better. the only little space in the universe where i'm comfie, and safe, and warm, and its mine....
god i love what that chair represents. its like a hug. a hug made just for me. but, it'll never be a true hug, nor can i true hug be like my chair. man, all the tears this chair hides inside.......
~for further references to how i feel, read my very first entry.
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contemplative
refreshed
irritated
lonely
cynical
depressed
weird
intimidated
chipper
blah
melancholy
thoughtful