[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, October 26th, 2003|
disturbing things that go bang! in the night
I just came from visiting a KKK website. I don't know why I had the desire to but I did. It was so disturbing. I've been fearful of those kind of people my entire life. That fear is slowly dispersing as I get older, my disdain at what the KKK stand for grows everyday. I wonder if there has ever been cases of those clan members who left the organization and changed their racist views. I'm sure there have but I've never ever heard of any. I also just found out that some quite significant white skinheads headquarters is located in a suburb not too far from where I live. I shouldn't have been surprised but I was. That just sucks. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of who you are but damn...can't you take pride in yourself without using it against others who you know nothing about? I started to get kind of pissed off when I was reading the KKK's reasoning on why mixed marriages are wrong. Where the hell do they get their so called facts? They said that it's been scientifically proven that all black people are not as intelligent as Caucasians, that anyone who isn't of "pure" white ancestry is not as smart as someone who is. Bullshit. Then they went on to say that if a white woman or man has a child with someone who is black or of any other non-white race, the child will be of lesser intelligence than they are because black genes are dominant to white genes,4-1. That is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. I've heard that before of course, but just not for a long time. Maybe I shouldn't have checked out their site. NOw I really want to write a book about my experiences growing up. That site has given me even more conviction to stand up and speak out about how I've felt for so long and how I feel now. Racism used to make me cower but now it dissapoints and enrages me. Someone who practices racism has to have reached about the lowest level of human existence as far as mentality and clear thinking goes. Dammit we're all the same inside. Sure, our hair, skin color, and several other physical features are different, but such things are so trivial. We all feel, think (at least I thought we all were able to think), breathe, bleed, etc. I don't think that racists can survive the evolution of humanity. If you spend enough time thinking about the truth of things, if you're paying attention to the ways of people and how they all come together to create great masses of people you will see the reality of things. If you pay attention you know why certain things that shouldn't be are, even if you know that they won't be easy to remedy.
Current Mood: filled with disdain, motivated
Current Music: Art Tatum: Tiger Rag, Jelly Roll Morton, Jimi Hendrix, Jazz!
|Thursday, October 23rd, 2003|
I haven't been able to update my journal for a long time. I haven't had a lot of time to be online because of school. A few days ago I came online to log in to Blurty. I hadn't logged on for so long that I had forgotten my password so I had to request it from Blurty. So I was finally able to write after many weeks. There are so many developments that have taken place since the last time I submitted an entry. I am really beginning to understand so much. I am learning so many new things and also beginning to question numerous issues and situations. I started out the semester with a bang. I got an A on my math test. THat really boosted my confidence. Then I got a C on the next one and it felt like my world fell apart. I was devastated. I'm still reeling from that test. I need to move on. I have really been struggling since I got that test back. I almost decided to quit school last week and I considered taking up certain self-destructive activities. But I know I won't. I can't. If I do I will feel as though I have failed and I refuse to quit. I don't quit things anymore. I will not. I can't. I know that I can't do well and that I am going to achieve all the goals that I set at the beginning of the year. I can't give up now. I have to keep trying. Many of my friends probably think I'm a bitch and that I'm a nerd with no life and I don't care. I'm fed up with caring about what people think. Sometimes it requires that you get like that in order to acquire the motivation to change it. I can't be like how I once was if I intend to do the things that I have in mind. I can't lead a double life and balance lifestyles that create too much of a paradox either. I want to do something more than just go to college to get a good job that has me making tons of money. THere is so much more to life than just big bucks and material things. SO much MORE! My mind never stops rolling. I think about people in other countries and what goes on there. I think about the world as a whole and the universe and the stars and life and death. I think about the US and I think about what I see going on around me and I don't like a lot of what I see. I am really disturbed by all the conspiracies that I have learned about and those that I know nothing about. The media is disgusting. I see the way it reflects the reals of society. At the same time, media is the cause of the way society operates. One big twisted circle. But of course, there is always a positive side too. In the US, the are so many resources that can aid a person in recieving an education. The system is jacked up, but at least there are plenty of options that can grant one person so many of their wishes and fulfill their hopes. THat is, if the mentality that is necessary to get there is present. I want to contribute something to society. I don't really know what I will end up doing in my life yet, but I do know that things are going to be ok. I know that I will find a way to do something positive for people. I want to take a stand and make a statement that people will not forget. I want people to know and realize things they didn't before. I want to bridge gaps and create connections among peoples of all different races, creeds, colors, and cultures. I will continue my education beyond the two year school I'm at right now in order to expand my enlightenment and enhance the dynamics surrounding my abilities and development. By doing this I will be better equipped to lend myself to a cause greater than making money or perhaps even such that does not entertain happiness. My thoughts of late have centered around all the things I've been talking about in this entry. I can't wait to take psychology and astronomy and trig. And I might be able to join choir again next semester. I hope so anyway. I have to be really ready for next semester and I this is why I need to continue to strive for better study habits and more productive time managment. And I will because I refuse not to.
And I'm rooting for the T-wolves because they've always and always will be one of my favorite basketball teams and they will go all the way. Spre, KG, Wally, Hudson, Cassell....man I can't even wait. and then there's the spurs and Dirk Nowitzki, if he's healed up from the playoffs last season. The Spurs too. Be interesting to see Chi-town with Scottie back.
I think I really needed to write. I needed to release some shit off my chest. FOr some reason writing music, singing and playing piano has only served as a temporary remedy for all this anxiety. I go into a piano room at school and play for an hour and I feel good after I leave, but soon after I go back to doing something else the strectched out, uncertain feel wafts slowly back into my brain. But it hasn't gotten to my heart. My heart is still in it. THe passion and need to keep on keepin' on has not lessened. And I am sure that there is some truth in knowing that things can often get worse before they get better and progress. I will put my faith where I feel I need to and not even try to hope that shit gets better because I know it's got to.
Current Mood: contemplative(as always)
Current Music: Sunday Morning Alternative in E flat minor, The Fugees
|Sunday, June 15th, 2003|
Guess I didn't feel as though I had written enough. *shrugs* I am really in a writing/reading mood today. If someone asked me to write a story for them I would. I'm going to anyway though because I want to write one. I am going to walk to the park in an hour or so and begin to write. I've got to get back for the game though.
I want to write a book about a mixed girl like myself. I want to write my story with a little adding on here and there. I think it could be good and could be a good movie too. Thousands of stories have and will continue to be great material for movies so why not mine? I want to do an overview of my life. Racial stuff will be interlaced everywhere throughout my story because much of my life seems like it's been a big racial jamboree. Living in an all-white town off of the Mississippi river. I dealt with rocks and bike wheels running over my little toes. I was 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and I dealt with threats and anger and fear that I was never able to understand until I turned 20. It took me 16 and 15 and 14 and 13 and 12 years to comprehend that those neighborhood white boys had ruled most of my life. ANd in junior high. All those black kids who used to tease me about my hair and give me the hardest, cerrated-knife looks I've ever recieved. I was only 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 then. And it took me 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 years to realize that those black kids, mostly girls, had been ruling my life since junior high. When I was a junior in high school I dropped my everyone-says-I'm-black-so-I-have-to-act-like-it charade and learned to talk again. I stopped talking "black" and reverted back to talking "white". I was happier that way. But for me, happiness came in colorless shades of fragmented realization. Once I could talk again I realized that my happiness had no color so things still weren't right. I didn't know how to fix them. I didn't know how until the middle of my senior year when my lack of knowledge exploded inside my head and charred a large corner of my heart. Another colorless realization took shape and showed me once again, that things were terribly wrong. I still wasn't sure how I might fix them but somehow the explosion forced me to take a guess. I guessed that maybe I needed counseling. I went to the school clinic and starting to turn my guessing into an accurate remedy. My senior year was the year that I let myself pretend that he really wanted to date me for more than looks, the year that I walked numb through the hallways, the year that I sang Summertime at a spring concert while I bawled inside, the year that I barely graduated, and the year that I finally couldn't take it anymore.
That's that kind of stuff I want to write about. Somehow I feel that I have no choice but to set my life free and release it from myself because if I don't I will never be able to really live it. It's as if I've been so afraid for so long. So fearful of letting go of my life because it might never come back to me. But I feel that I have no choice now. And I think that when I do allow myself to set my life free from myself, it will come back to be in a gust of the strongest wind I've ever felt. It won't come limping in, wounded from exposure to the world outside of itself. It will come rushing in, grabbing me by the hand and making me able to live how I've really wanted to live ever since I was a senior in high school.
I came back to write in different colors. That's why I wrote a second entry within an hour or so of the other.
Current Mood: just fine
Current Music: same as ten minutes ago
about a life
I'm such an infrequent journal writer. Oh well. I just finished reading a book called Tar Baby by Toni Morrison. It was good. She is good. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'd forgotten all that reading, seeing emotions and personalities and mid-life crises as well as mid-life wonders through words could do to me. Always invoking so many thoughts and feelings, some similar to the thoughts and feelings that I don't get from reading. So many others nothing like them. And it always seems that no matter how good a book is supposed to be or not (you can get a clue to the kind of impression the book has made on the world from the abundance or lack of reviews on the back of a book by it's sinopsis), I always find some sort of inspiration. There is always something that seems as if it were lost between the words of an author. Any author. Every author. It seems as if something were lost and suddenly I rediscovered it just by picking up that book and giving it a chance. And I like this. And I'm drawing again too. Of course, I have to because I signed up for drawing, but I have always loved to draw so it's not a problem. I was out of practice. I'm back in it now. THen there's my music. It's coming along. Slowly. Just how I like it. Just how it needs to be right now. Really, I don't think I could have it any other way only because of where I'm at in life. Sometimes I do write a melody within a few minutes. Other times it takes an hour or more hours. So my music does come along quickly too. But lyrics are the slowest of all. The other day marked the first day that I wrote some words down on the paper that I was satisfied with on the first try. I wrote more than just the first verse and the chorus. I had two verses and a chorus and I actually liked the way the harmony sounded. A lot. Friday I had a very good voice lesson. I'm starting to really be able to project better. I can hear and feel a difference in the way I sound. All these things are so exciting. Now I have to start walking a LOT more again. I am going to start walking a LOT more too. And biking. And stretching. I'm out of shape. I'll remedy that starting today. Well technichally I started Friday. It was that bizarre walk around Lake Calhoun. The weather was perfect but it was late so it was rather dark. Just the way I like it. Niki was with me and I don't think she was enjoying herself a whole lot. Her knees started to hurt her. I swear that girl has a new ailment every day. And halfway, no, not even halfway, probably a fourth of the way through I had to pee like mad. I know no one wants to read that but I don't care. Wait, why did I say that anyway? I can write whatever the fuck I want. Silly me. Anyway, I had to use a porta-pottie. Yeah, I know, big deal. It's really not one. At least it wouldn't have to be quite as big of one if I didn't make it one. But I refuse to acknowledge the psychological hatred for them that I created myself. I hate porta-potties and that's final. So I used on and ten minutes later we came across bathrooms in buildings that were open! If only I could have waited to use the bathroom that was in a building. Ah well. Tonight is game 6 between the Spurs and the Nets. I am pretty confident that the Spurs will win it. They have home court advantage and I think they just want it too bad. Not the Nets don't. Not that they couldn't win. Not that they have no chance to win. I never said any of that. Everybody always jumps to those conclusions every time I announce my certainty that the Spurs will take a game. I just like that team. Ginobili is hot with all those steals he gets. I love it when he's on top of his game. It's more exciting to watch the Spurs play when he and Tony Parker are having stellar performances. Duncan almost always does well and not that he's not great to watch either, but it's a more regulated kind of excitement that hit's you in a good way but just not in the same way as watching the other two in their excellence.
Why do I always have a fricin hair in one of my eyes? I'd blame that on my cat and her long hair except we've had her for almost two years and this hair-in-the-eye deal has only recently started up. Don't understand it.
It's amazing how quick time moves even when you are looking. I've been watching the clock very closely now. Ever since noon. I've been watching and it has just been slipping so easily away. Easily but not unfortunately. For once I want time to go on. I am not chiding myself for lost time or wishing I could have gotten up earlier or gotten more done. Today is whatever. Tommorrow will involve a little bit of chiding because my Mondays always seem to be that way. But today is easygoing and I'm not going to be regretful towards anything about today. maybe I'll be back later. Or not. Hey, and I just realized that I am starting to use the phrase "I don't know", less and less. Great.
Current Mood: thought-provoked
Current Music: Marley, funny Chocolate Bar song and Pouring out the Pain
|Tuesday, May 27th, 2003|
Siguiendo or continuing...although I do believe that I spelled it wrong. On well. I just came back from sitting out on my trampoline with Christine. I should really go to sleep but I'm going to write this journal and then I'm going to read for awhile. I sort of feel like playing the piano but I might wake everybody up if I did so I won't. I think I'll write some lyrics before I settle down to read. I'm so hungry all of sudden and I'm not sure why that is. I'm eating something really delicious right now. And the "Like a Stone", Audioslave video is playing on VH1. I really like that song. In your house, I long to be, room by room, patiently, I'll wait for you there, like a stone, I'll wait for you there, alone. Yeah, I really do like that song. And you know what else I really like? I like that the Spurs won yesterday. It's really too bad that Dirk Nowitzski was injured in game 3. Well, it's too bad for the Mavs but not for the Spurs. Tim Duncan had like 20 points as well as rebounds. And Tony Parker...I don't know if I can even explain how crucial he was in this game 4. He had 25 or 26 points I think and several assists too. He was really hittin' the threes and he was solid with his drives to the basket. Ginobili also played well. He had maybe 21 points or someting like that. I really like the way he, Tony Parker, Duncan, and Dirk Nowitzski played. They are all very talented players. It's too bad about Detroit though. At least they didn't lose all their games by 20 or 30 points. At least I don't think they did. They stayed with the Nets, to a point. Yet they didn't stay with them enough or they would've won. Ah well.
Today I was burning a few CD's and downloading a lot of music. I found one of the songs from Malcolm X. The song is sung by Sam Cooke. Before today I'd never heard of him. He has a really excellent voice. The song is so moving. It's one of the songs that really inspires me to pursue my music dream, hardcore. And when I hear words like the ones in the Sam Cooke song, my motivation to never give up is provoked to the highest level. A state of mind like that is really satisfying, not to mention encouraging. When I feel that way I feel as if I will never feel otherwise, as if t he concept of failing never existed. Perhaps I should listen to those kind of songs 24/7 and then maybe I could forget all the uncertainty and frustration and make these amazing strides in the many areas of my life. Maybe.
I'm tired now so I'm going away. Until the next time.
Current Mood: artistic, considerate, raw
Current Music: none
Memorial Day was half boring, half stimulating. I worked on a new song, had a bit to drink, and downloaded some chill music. That White Stripes song is pretty nice. Got some Bob Marley joints too. I can't believe I've been asleep on reggae music for so many years. It's a wonderful genre of music. Of course, music in general is pretty wonderful, in itself. And the X-files is wonderful as well. I'm watching it right now, its on the Sci-fi channel. It's this episode about some alien sci-fi shizz. There's a man hanging from Skinner's balcony and these black alien worms are mutating through some guys's protective head gear. I love this show!
I don't work tommorrow and so I think I'll be working on my music. I need to find out when that open mic show at the Artist's Quarter is. Hopefully Alicia and I will be able to sing. I love singing with her. I've never been able to harmonize with anyone else like I have with her. I now have a few words I must say.
I'm holding in tonight
tommorrow I'll be holding out
it's becoming harder to suppress
more difficult to go without
if I attempt to rely upon my conviction
then all is doomed to fail
because conviction does not exist
there was an eviction,
and so I must trust in my ability to persist
Is perserverance a word I can hold in my hand
can I take it and put it inside myself?
I think I can if I really wanted to
I think I will if I really try to
I cannot make a gradual decline
I must rapidly be inclined
to continue on
resist my fears and
fight off tears
Impossibility is ridiculous in my world
Wow I'm not sure if any of that makes sense but I had an impulse to write those words. I'm still watching the X-files. It's getting more intense. This particular episode started out kind of bland. I dislike ads. Very much so. But that's ok. I'm going outside to sit on my trampoline for awhile, even though it's a bit chilly out. I'll probably come back to write a second journal afterwards.
Current Mood: content and contemplative
Current Music: Marley, The White Stripes, and Harry Belafonte
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
I feel like how it looks outside today. When I woke up this morning it was raining. The sky was grey. I feel grey. THis is one of the days that I have where I have to be compulsive in telling myself that life isn't so bad. I know it really isn't, but I've been unsuccessful in convincing myself to feel that way. This means I have to try harder. I know this summer is going to be a good one because I'm going to make it that way. I already feel better just from thinking those things. If I am able to believe in them all, 100% by the end of the day I will have been a success for the day. I think it's good that I have to work today. It will help me get my mind off of grey issues (plus it's warmer there than here at home). And it's pay day!!!
I've also been drinking too much within the last week or so. Probably not as much as I could have, but enough for me. Drinking is fine but only once in awhile. I'm not worried that I'll start getting into the habit of drinking because I've got too many other projects going on. There are so many things I want to accomplish this summer it will be a wonder if I get them all done by the fall. I'll just try.
My team won last night, 119 to 106. Tim Duncan had 32 points and Parker had 19. Nowitski had 23 and got slapped with a few unfair fouls. He's such an outstanding player, not to mention sexy. It was a great game, but the Spurs have to stop letting their leads go so much. I have to miss the lottery draft tonight. :( That's ok, I may be able to catch some of the Pistons/Nets game.
Until the next time.
|Tuesday, May 20th, 2003|
First entry. I feel a bit unraveled today, but I don't have much to complain about because I just don't. I can't wait to move out, even though it won't be for awhile. I didn't do so well this semester, but I'm coming back to dominate in the fall. I'm going to sing my ass off all summer and play the guitar and the piano until my fingers bleed. I think about how much my life has changed ever since I went back to school. I don't think that you have to go to school to become enlightened or to learn things. For someone like me, though, in order to achieve those things I must be in school at this point in my life. I don't have the discipline to take academic matters into my own hands. I have to get this procrastination under control before it rives my life into several disasters. Well, maybe even if I never stopped procrastinating I would still be able to command at least a certain amount of stability. Yeah, I'm sure I would. The one thing I strive to constantly remind myself is that complexities can't stop me from getting where I'm going. Even when I don't believe it I say it anyway. My journal entries will surely be redundant because I have to keep my mind in the right world. That means I have to keep saying that I think I can or I know I will and all that kinda shizz. When you've lived in darkness for the majority of your life it's hard to adjust to the light. It's hard until you finally do adjust. Practice doesn't make perfect but it sure makes a difference.
Today the Spurs lost by three. They'll take the second game. I'm pretty confident about their ability to take the whole series. Every time I watch basketball I realize just how much I love it. If I would have loved it back when I used to play it as much as I love it now I would've fulfilled my total potential as a player.
I cleaned most of the day and it was ok. I got a lot done even though I was in my pj's all day. It felt good to be productive. After elementary school productivity became one of weaker traits. I wish I could say that I'm getting better with it but if I did I'd be denying the truth.
I'm so sick of these ads that continue to pop up and interfere with my typing!
I'm starting to think too hard, in turn causing me to not have much more to say now. Until tommorrow.
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Bjork, Moby, Rachmaninoff