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|Sunday, December 28th, 2003|
|I almost forgot this thing exists...
and... well, let's say I didn't have the nicest time, ok? And I had to take another job... I have 4 jobs right now, and I'm still in school. That sucks very much. And I still don't have a boyfriend. The good ones are all straight and the ones *I* sure don't want are gay. You know, most gay guys I met during the last months... well, it was like they had "I beat my last boyfriend" tatooed on their forehead... Or maybe it's just me being paranoid. Yes, it must be me. I hate being alone. I know it's probably my own fault, because I'm so damn careful. But, you know, I have reasons for that. Actually it's two reasons, the one is my so-called stepfather and the other is Sebastian, my ex. I hardly ever told anyone that story... When I first met him, I... I was still so damn weak... He gave me the feeling he would protect me, would love me. Which he actually did during the first two months. I think those two damn months where the best time I ever had. I was away from my step father and my mother since 6 months... I was alone in a new city. I didn't know anyone there... And Sebastian... well, I really believed he would love me. Advice to all of you: Don't ever believe a man loves you untill he said "I love you" and looked into your eyes. Because if he doesn't you can end that relationship without any problems, otherwise you might find yourself in a relationship you probably won't enjoy... Anyway, after those two months, Sebastian became a little more... agressive... well, I can understand that, he had lost his job, but do *you* think that's a reason to beat up your boyfriend who's fault it most certainly wasn't... Ok, maybe he was pissed because I didn't want to sleep with him. Mmh, maybe I needed some time after... you know, that
... Shit, I loved him to bits, I really did. That's something I can't deny. But you know, I slowly grew tired of making up new excuses to not do P.E. at school. I grew tired of evey bone in my body hurting. I grew tired of never being able to sleep for more than one hour each night... After four months I finally left him. Now I'm sitting here, with four jobs, barely able to manage my time on some days, having too much free time on others... Sebastian and I, we could live of the money he earned. Maybe that would've been worth it... Maybe I should've stayed with him... Current Mood: thoughtfulCurrent Music: Sinergy~Razor blade salvation
|Tuesday, October 7th, 2003|
I got writer's block. Damn it! Current Mood: pissed off
|Saturday, October 4th, 2003|
I just managed to delete this entry for the third time... Ok, again...( Read more... )
That's all for now... And yes, I am
offended by that "Have you ever been accused of being homosexual?" question. That's intolerating and stupid. Oh just fuck it, I need to go to sleep... Bye!
|Friday, September 26th, 2003|
I've been busy lately... Sorry for not updating... I had to write many essays for school and so on... My class mates aren't excactly helpful, either. Most of them just ignore me, I'm just "that gay goth-boy" for them, but there's this one catholic girl in my class that insults me all the time. Sure, I could just beat her up but first of all I don't hit girls and second... well, that would be mean. But what makes me sad is that she thinks that she is right. Sure, I worship Satan and I let all the male teachers fuck me... yes, of course. Well, she doesn't know my past... I never talk about that at school. I wanted to write a short entry, saying that I'm ok and look where it got me... Well, whatever. I'm getting my winter depressions, for some reason... It's only September, damn it. I don't want to feel down 'till Febuary. Yes, I could get myself a therapist again but those don't help at all, trust me. I didn't mean to talk that much, sorry. I'll try to update again tomorrow... *hugs everyone*
|Saturday, September 20th, 2003|
I really should update more... Well, school has started for me on monday. It was ok... I don't really have anything to tell right now. Sorry...
|Saturday, September 13th, 2003|
I'm terrible sorry for disappering... I've been very busy IRL... School is about to start again soon. I don't really want to think about it... It's the last year for me, fortunatly. I don't really know what to say because I don't really like talking about my life too much. I've written a long original story while I was gone. I wrote it in German, but maybe I'll translate it and show it to you (you means everyone). I'm not sure yet. Oh, and that person I told you about... he/she got arrested. Not for insulting me, of course ;) Life's pretty much back to normal and I'm not even slightly depressed at the moment. Yay!
|Sunday, August 31st, 2003|
Sorry, I wasn't in the mood for updating... for a little hile everything seemed to get better again. But of course, that didn't last for long. Someone I once, not long ago, called a friend, told me that he/she (don't want to say too much) doesn't want to listen to my "self-pitying" anymore. that he/she would think that I had made up "at least half of the things that happend to you", that were his/her excact words. I made it up? Yeah, right, I like to talk about my past so much that I make stuff up to be more dramatic... sure. And of course I love the attention. Sure. Well, we er discussed a few things and in the end we decieded that we weren't friends anymore and that we should keep away from the other. And I'm not close to my (few) other friends anymore. Fucked up again. Well, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't care. I don't need anyone (well, I need my littlest brother. Love you so much...) Just wanted to get that of my chest, see ya! Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: Nightwish~Slaying the dreamer
|Friday, August 22nd, 2003|
Hi guys, I'm just cold and tired right now... nothing happend today, I was just chillin' a bit... writing some stuff that I won't even post at ice's 'cause it's too dark... I'm feeling crappy and I don't really know why. I guess I had not enough sleep in the past few days... Well, I'll just try to get some sleep now... Night!
|Thursday, August 21st, 2003|
|Saturday, August 16th, 2003|
I just want to curl up somewhere... I'm pushing everyone away in RL. I just can't stand the looks my friends are giving me... and all because of Tobias. Because he thinks he's better than me. I... I just don't understand what I've done to him. And right now, right now I just want to reach for my cutter and create a few more scars. A few more scars to remind my of my own stupidity. How could I believe that he'd want me? Which man would want someone like me? I'm just nothing more than dirt. I wished I could just say "Fuck it" like I usually do but I'm not strong enough anymore. Fuck this damn world...
|Friday, August 15th, 2003|
Ok, my life offically sucks. Tobias said he... I'm not going to repeat his words here... anyway, he said that he wouldn't want to be with me. What's wrong with this world? What have I done? I just don't get it. Ok, I'll go and cut my arms open now...Or maybe myl legs... whatever. I just don't give a fuck right now...
Current Mood: depressed/disappointed
Current Music: Nothing...
|Wednesday, August 6th, 2003|
Oh Eru damn it... I feel terrible right now... Nightmares, vomitting... Nice way to start a day, isn't it? Maybe I should write my nightmares down. Over at Ice, of course. Stuff like that doesn't belong here. Anyway, I'll try to get something done today... Writing or whatever... See you when my brain decides to work... Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: Metallica~One
|Tuesday, August 5th, 2003|
I'm back! Yeah, finally. I spend a lot of time with Tobias. (no, we weren't doing that
, lil bro.) He know about my past now... Of course he was schocked but he said that he would be there if I'd need him. He's sweet, isn't he? I think I could fall in love with him... I just need time and he knows that. Anyway, I'm awfully tired... I think maybe I'll just sleep for a few hours... Night! Current Mood: loved
|Tuesday, July 29th, 2003|
Alexa's coming over in *looks at clock* half an hour so I probably won't be online... Like anyone'd care ('xept for me brothers, 'course)
|Sunday, July 27th, 2003|
I'm more pure than I thought. Most of the stuff I didn't do willingly, 'though...
For some strange reason I'm too stupid to write my own name today. I actually had to type it for about six times 'till I got it right.. I'm quiet dumb sometimes... (at least I am not blonde...) Well, my brothers are even more dumb than I am... (sorry, didn't mean to write that...) Anway, I am dumb, you are not so enjoy your day. see ya!
|Saturday, July 26th, 2003|
I'm back from my friends. We had fun... and about Tobias and me... we decided to try wether a relationship'd work or not. I hope it does. But I haven't told him 'bout Robert. We never got the chance to talk alone and I don't want everybody to know. We're having a date next week Saturday, but the larger group decided to meet next week so we'll meet then, too. He's just cute... *hugs all of you* Ok, I have stuff to do so see you later!
|Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003|
I'm off to my friends' as well. I'll be back on friday, so have fun and review my stuff. (either at Ice's or Fp.com) Bye!
|Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003|
I just got the offer to stay at a friends' for a few days... said I should hang out for a while and chill... So I'll probably be gone 'till Sunday 'cause my friend doesn't have i-net... Too bad. Actually we'll be 4-6 people (two aren't sure if they want to stay yet...) and... well, we jst want to party. 2 girls, 4 guys... (including me, of course) that'll be nice. Anyway, I'll update again tomorrow before I'll leave, ok? Oh, there's an update over at Ice's... Current Mood: happy
|Monday, July 21st, 2003|
I'm back from Tobias'... It was nice. And... he kissed me. 'till now I didn't even know that he likes men... Now I'm really confused. I'm not sure wether the kiss was a honest one or just a game... But it felt good. *blushs* Any idea what I should do? Current Mood: confused