August 16th 2009
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John Scudder here, we had a phone conversation a few days ago. Just to jog your memory, I’m the one who recently bought the VISIONS issue 1.
I wanted to say thanks for the great conversation. First of all it was a blast hearing your description of “King Bohemia” I’m looking forward to the day which I’ll be able to purchase one off the shelf. I also like the fact that it was linked to the story “When Lilacs Last in the Doorway Bloomed” Which, in my opinion, is the best short ever written in the history of comics, and I, like you, am surprised that you didn’t pick up an Eisner or any sort of award for that matter for that particular piece. It’s a crime to say the least. Thanks for saying you’ll send me the text of the original poem you wrote that your short was based upon. I am really looking forward to it.
And on that note, I see your communication is sparse at best. So, though I am looking forward to it, I will patiently wait, as you must be very busy, or perhaps senile - I’ll just assume it’s the former and imagine you hard at work getting your Novel Published, your screenplay produced, or a new Comic going - I know you’re always busy, Bob, so I’m just joshing with you.
I’ll be placing my order for “Surely you must be joking, Mr. Fyeman” very soon.
I also wanted to thank you for taking the time to consider the fulfillment proposition on back issues and inventory stock. As I mentioned earlier (with Dave Sim) I am very passionate about this. Now I just need to Get Ben Edlund and Paul Chadwick on board (Mike Allred is doing fine by himself) and I’ll be ready to set sail with four powerhouse cornerstones in the Independent Industry. It’ll be great, a whole career revitalization sort of thing.
I do apologize as I will not be able to make it to the Dragon this Year (it would have been my first convention ever). I will be deployed to Camp Blanding, Florida for Phase III and Phase IV of the Special Forces Q Course from the 1st to the 15th of September. It would have been really cool to meet you in person - let me know where else you’ll be appearing, perhaps I’ll be able to catch you at another Con.
Thanks again for the VISIONS and the Poem whenever you are able to send them out. The last thing I want to be viewed as is one of those pushy fans that feel like the creators owe them something, when nothing could be further from the truth… well, except for when I bought the Hard Cover Book, felt like you ripped me off, demanded my 50.00 back and told you to shit or get off the pot, essentially. Yes, with the exception of that one time.
I look forward to speaking to you again in the future, Bob. Maybe we’ll go get a steak or something sometime. Take it easy, and I’ll be sending you that challenge coin straight away as a thanks. Cheers!
John M. Scrudder
|Subject:||Oakcrest Live: A musical Review|
OAKCREST: LIVE @ THE ROCK SHOP
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By John M. Scrudder of
The Independent Music Press Review
June 12th 2009
If you happened upon the rock shop this past Friday night you would have caught a set performed by a hyper-kinetic band called Oakcrest.
Oakcrest is a working class band from Santa Rosa, California and is the brainchild of brothers Tim Kranz (Vocalist), Max Kranz (Lead Guitarist, vocals) and their friend Jake Eckerty (Bass). Now living in Fayetteville, North Carolina the band has increased to five members.
Van Lewis (Guitar) and Donnie Olsen (Drums) his last name may not in be Olsen, but I can’t honestly recall.
The Set Opened with a rancorous song called “Choices“. Tim Kranz, sporting a make shift multi colored Mohawk screams into the microphone about scars, lies, manipulative devices and the such - While younger brother Max and rhythm guitarist Lewis keep a steady, almost overly confident sonic outpour that balanced out the Over enthusiastic Olsen and drums.
There is no breathing room with this band, as soon as the first song ends Olsen gears up with an incredibly animated snare roll as they band dives into there second song.
“Every time” Guitars Kranz builds up and screams off a 3,4 count and we enter into a strange wonderful hybrid world of Punk, Reggae, Rock and Metal. This song covered all bases and was a perfect example of what this band has to offer in regards to their musical prowess, ingenuity and balance between all 5 members when creating complex cross genre songs. Every time starts off running in a smoother version of the Germs chorus line of Richie Daggers Crime, this band is far more focused on insuring that there is an intelligible amount of time and energy put into the understanding of the lyrics and a compromised balance of sound for each of the instruments. The song abruptly breaks down into a reggae funk effortlessly pulled off by the rhythm section and this is where we learn that Tim Kranz has studied at the Nick Hexum school for singing. While younger brother max sounds like the offspring of an experimental baby created from the genes of lanyne staley and Scott Weiland, the juxtaposition of these two vocal styling’s creates a very interesting sound that is at the same time awkward and complimentary. The songs bridge invited what would be a continuous theme throughout the set; A very heavy metal break down that would instantly induce, foot stomping, head banging and moshing.
Two songs pass before the energy hit’s the ceiling again with one of the bands strongest songs and most unusual songs, “Laced” it is here that we learn two very surprising things about the band.
The first is that Drummer Olsen is extremely talented but doesn’t quite have the gist of the hybrid element down, and that’s not to say that he won’t but it is clear that there is an exploration factor here, something more along the lines of a growth development, at times, a double bass pedal is poorly executed in place of a single bass over a reggae theme when it the drums are clearly trying to impose more of a metal feeling, this of course, is my personal opinion, as I used to dabble on the drums a bit myself - Olsen is very confident and animated and is a pleasure to view while operating his kit - as the driving force of the band he only has a little way to go before he’s able to set it on cruise control.
The Second is that the most surprising thing about the band was the two unassuming characters on the left and the right side of the stage. Guitaris Lewis and Bassist Eckerty.
Eckerty (Looking like a dead ringer for Cone McCaslin) hammers his low strung base with the ferocity of a deranged chimpanzee and moves about the stage, with his strange floppish black hair, like some sort of lumbering acrobat with muscle atrophy. His coordination and balance on the Bass is bar none some of the best and most enthusiastic finger work I have seen in recent years… Now if he can just get that whole swinging the bass thing around the body like McCaslin, there’d be no stopping his progress.
Van Lewis is the quietest and most unassuming member of the band. He plays quietly in the corner, complementing every lead by the younger Kranz but never trying to dominate or compete for exposure. Lewis seems to be the most seasoned of the members as he seems to have a clear identification of his role, he is very much a Brian Bell figure in the larger system of Cogs that work on the surface level. He seems content, confident (almost too confident, at point in time he sat down to play a few bars!) and sure of himself.
Near the end though, Lewis pulled out his flying V Axe to show the extension of his manhood protruding from his groin as to say, “hey by the way, I can rock this bitch too!”
Near the End of the Set, Oakcrest played one of the best originals I have heard in a long time, a song called “They Say” I will not tell you about this song, if you were there, you’d understand, if you weren’t then you’ll have to catch their next performance.
The best thing about this band is that they’ll put on a fantastic show no matter how few or how many people there are, they came to rock (as indicated by Lead Singer Tim Kranz crawling around the stage and hanging from the rafter like an demented, escaped insane asylum patient)
As far as longevity goes, this band is encroaching upon the doorstep of greatness but they are definitely not there The first half of the set blew me away - however, they lingered in the middle, kept confidently together by the amazing work of Guitarist Kranz, Lewis and Bassist Eckerty. Olsen and Singer Kranz showed signs of fatigue as the responsibility of entertainment seemed lopsidedly laid solely on them. If the guitars and bass stepped up there performance appearance by just a fraction, it would give the dread locked Olsen and the spiky haired Kranz a moment to rest in between each wonderful musical assault on the ears.
Oakcrest is not an endurance band, not yet - but they soon will be - you can tell, there is a drive, a determination that is having them rise, however slowly, above the rest of the bands that are content to play small gigs and venture no further then their home towns. Oakcrest is looking to break down some walls and spread the sound like an infectious disease across this nation. I would not be surprised to hear of a future tour taking them across the U.S. in the near future.
(On a side note I just found out that the drummers last name is Brunnette… I like Olsen better, so that’s his new name. Donnie Olsen)
Oakcrest hits all the right notes with their hybrid sound. And hopefully, sometime soon, you’ll know exactly what I am talking about.
|Subject:||Swords are Dangerous|
|Music:||Why oh why - do birds suddenly appear?|
From the Desktop of Mr. John Michael Scrudder PhD (Esq.)
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Subject: In regards to these chain letters.
Today I would like to send all of you a very special E-mail.
Oh boy, I’ll tell you; this just hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh yes, I never thought it could happen to some average jerk like me, but it’s true! It really works, just like a fast acting deadly virus which rips your flesh off within an hour and you die a horribly painful death right before you cough up a lung and cry uncontrollably.
Okay, first things first. In order for this to work properly you have to take your shoes off.
I know it sounds silly. I didn’t believe it at first either, but go on, just take your shoes off, what’s the worst that could happen? Everyone in your shop could die from your horribly stinky foot odor? Whatever, just take off your shoes, come on, you know you want to
As to why you would want to, well, that’s anyone’s guess, just go on and take them off.
Okay, now take off those rotten stiff socks and gently poke out your tongue. Okay, now softly lick your socks. Go on, it’s easy!
Have you licked them real good? CAN YOU TASTE YOUR FOOT? Okay, good, now for the fun part.
Think of a number between 0 and 2 (but neither 0 NOR 2) is the number you picked 1? WOW, ISNT THAT INCREDIBLE!? I was just as amazed as you were when I did it! Like I said, this really works – but you have to do each and every step for it to work properly (rub your nipples with ice) okay, lets continue!
Think of one person you love more then anyone in the whole wide world.
Okay, I got news for you.
That person doesn’t love you, so get over it and get on with your life.
Alright, now think of one wish you could have if you just won the lottery. Did you think of it? Okay, now say it inside your head 37 TIMES! You have to do it 37 TIMES or all of your cousins will die from dysentery. It’s true, a friend of mine only said it 36 times and not only did his cousins die from dysentery but he only got a C- on his history term paper! Everyone laughed at him and he got really upset.
Okay. Read this inspirational poem and think of the first word that comes to your mind…
“Oh lovely day, when the warm weather melted the rotting flesh off of our lovers
We sat in hot nuclear wars as the bombs dropped around us and killed our friends
But we still had each other, though your pants were too tight and made your ass look fat
I had yellow teeth and I killed a rabbit with a paper clip, cheese is icky.”
The word that popped into you head was BUTTERFLY! (If it wasn’t you’re wrong, and you should probably think of the word butterfly to be on the safe side.)
Okay – When I did this I got a job as CEO of Walt Disney Studios. I had to turn it down of course, but just imagine the possibilities if you do this (WHICH REALLY WORKS BY THE WAY!!!!!!!!)
Okay – now think of the word butterfly and stand up (it doesn’t matter where you are)
Get up on top of your desk if you’re at work.
Stand up and loudly say
“I BELIEVE THERE MAY BE POO IN MY UNDERGARMENTS!!!”
Okay, now put your hand down your pants to check and make sure. Then say
“YES, YES THEY ARE FULL OF POO.”
Now quickly think of a wish and countdown backwards from 10 in the following languages.
Your wish will come true very soon!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!
Only if you can recite the Declaration of Independence in less then two minutes.
STARTING NOW!!!! GO!!! COME ON!!!! TWO MINUTES!!!!!
Did you make it? Good, let’s continue.
Dress up like a pirate and say “arrrrrrr”
Okay, this next part is easy.
You have to kill a ninja with your bare hands, Assassinate a clown from three miles away with 25 caliber Remington Styrofoam semi automatic Uzi Blow gun – then you have to kill someone you love and resurrect them from the dead so they will be a Zombie, then you have to cut there head off and bury it in Russia and sing a traditional folk song from the Northern Icelanders. Okay – once that’s done the fun part comes a long.
Think of someone you’ve had a crush on your whole life GOT IT!?
Okay, look them up in the phone book. If they are dead, don’t bother.
Now call that person up.
TALK TO THEM YOU IDIOT!!! THAT’S WHAT YOUR WHOLE PROBLEM HAS BEEN HASN’T IT!? JUST TO SHY TO COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL, HUH!? WELL, THIS IS WHY THAT PERSON YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU, JUST THROW THE TOWEL IN NOW, YOU HAVENT GOT A CHANCE… Unless,
Okay, I forgot about this part. See if you can just rip one of your arms out. Go on, I tried and I couldn’t do it at first. But the harder I tried the easier it became, and then I found I could rip my arm out just as easily as if I were eating a piece of chocolate cake.
Have you done it?! Good (okay, now this really works) Close your eyes and put yourself in a deep hypnotic state. Now, walk through a wall. Go on..
You can do it
IF YOU ONLY BELIEVE….
Have you done it? You are an amazingly incredible person – I wouldn’t mind sleeping next to you and watching you sleep you sexy beast, you. Grrrrrr!
Okay – Make a wish and think about Spock.
Are you a Vulcan? You’re so weird. Just make a wish
And here we are. Almost at the bottom, just a little more of this unnecessary scrolling and we will be there.
Not quite yet
Hold out a little longer
Here we are
See, by scrolling all the way down and not reading ahead your wish is guaranteed to come true!!!
Only after you send this to 178,346 of your friends. If you don’t, bad things will happen.
You see, this letter began in 1386 right after the reign of King Edward the 32nd. Upon his death bed he made a wish about his long lost lover, Roberta of Spain, who moved to Portugal and began a Flamenco Dancer in the evening and a Farm maid by hand. Her decision devastated the king and he decided to start a letter to win her back from the evil clutches of the French Empire. She never came around, but he kept the letter in circulation just in case E-mail was invented so people could pointlessly directed his mail in the directions of other who never really wanted it in the first place (BUT THIS ONE REALLY WORKS, I KNOW IT SOUNDS CORNY, I USED TO BE THAT GUY TOO!!! BUT THIS ONE HELPED DO MY MATH HOMEOWRK TO)
Okay, here’s some examples for you.
I sent this letter to a couple of my friends to see what would happen
My friend Todd, he didn’t send it to anyone. He died.
My friend Sarah, she sent it to 48 people. She’s dead too.
Now one of my friends sent it to 178,344 people. He died too.
Essentially, I found that most people couldn’t find 178,346 people to send the letter too, and ultimately they all died. Let me tell you, I’ve been to a lot of funerals over the past year.
Anyways, let’s keep this bad mama pajama in circulation, you know, for the King. If you make the goal 178,344 people something very neat will happen for you. I cannot tell you what it is, but I can tell you it will be the most amazing thing that has ever happened in your whole entire measly life, I promise that, dude.
Now recite the Hippocratic Oath and Build a Ocean Liner with a pair of pliers (ONLY!)
Good luck and I hope all the happiness falls on you like a pile of falling snow on unaware skiers.
REMEMBER, THIS REALLY WORKS!!! KEEP IT GOING!!!
Representative of the Kings court,
The Honorable John Douglas Scrudder IV esq, PHD, mdlg
|Subject:||A short story I wrote yesterday|
|Music:||None, so sad, isn't it?|
“Brother, Lost in the Sauce”
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A short story by J.M. Scrudder
It all started one morning when I woke up on the floor. The floor of which room and which house I could not say. It was dusky, I could hardly see and I felt tired and groggy.
My slab of a face was pushed against a pungent carpet – it was shag, I was lost in the jungle of wool that encroached from the cold pavement below. Dust crawled into my nostrils, it tickled my hairs.
My back was as sore as if an elephant had laid down on me and decided it had found its final resting place.
I moved my fingers slightly, then my wrists, then my arms. I was not bound so I felt slightly better about my situation – the sun sliced through the curtain and I could see a beautiful illusion of dust particles caught in a slow enticing dance which was drawing me up off the floor.
I stood up slowly, painfully as the sore in my back stretched across my shoulders.
There was a bed with four posts that reached up and into the ceiling; it was as if the bed were symbiotic with the rest of the house. While the smell of death permeated all around me it seemed as though the room were alive. It didn’t make much sense to me until I saw the Nightstand and dressers. They seem to have grown right into the walls of this house, this room, this… wherever I was.
I took a step towards the small door on the right side of the bed – it had grown and attached itself to the door frame and into the wall with an amazing series of tiny little veins which seemed to be growing right before my eyes. Little green and brown cracks and tears of veins stretched and spread so thin I could only catch their movement through my peripheral vision. The carpet had wrapped itself softly around my toes. Oh, how familiar all this seemed to be – the smell of the room – the dust in the light, had I been here before or was this just some strange comforting dream I have been reliving each night as I slept, only to have it erased and left cold and forgotten when I awoke each morning.
I leaned toward the dusty brass knob on the door and slowly extended my hand which started to feel a slight tingle race though the pad and push out to the fingers.
I heard a quiet sound, a distant echo – the banging or creaking of a pipe. I couldn’t be sure. My head started spinning in a daze of confusion. Had I been drugged?
I started over but noticed my movement had become slower. Were my feet dragging? No, it seems as though they were getting caught up in the carpet. I struggled, one determined step at a time until I made it to the window – I grabbed a hold of the shades and drew them open wide. The flood of light washed over me – I was blinded instantaneously (the sound from the other side of the door became more distinct – it became clear that it was a dull thud, one object softly striking another perhaps?) I closed my eyes tightly, water brimming at the edges, at least I was waking up a bit more and I could feel a slight surge of energy coming back to me – though the tingling in my hand had persisted and had now crept its way up my arm and to my elbow. I turned my head away from the window quickly, shutting my eyes tighter until I could adjust to the light.
When I opened my eyes, I thought I saw for a brief moment the walls were moving, scuttling about quickly. There were bugs all over the walls! And just as quickly as I saw them they sank into the walls as if they were being swallowed by the house. I fell to my knees and began to panic. This couldn’t be real, this was a dream; it had to be.
What’s happening to me?
Then I saw in the corner of the room, a white suit clumped into a pile of other clothing. I crawled over to it. It was hard and rumpled. There were tiny pictures and words sewn all over it. There were clamps and holes and metal protrusions near the chest and neck of it.
I felt I knew it so well but it seemed so foreign to me at the moment.
My name is Frank!
My name is Frank whyler.
I could smell something new, an aroma so sweet and fresh. My wife! Amelia.
She was in the kitchen cooking us a dinner tonight. I remember now. I went out last night for a drink at the bar. That woman who was talking to me, I didn’t know her but she seemed to remember me. She must have slipped something in my drink while I was away at the bathroom.
I had to get into the kitchen to see Amelia, maybe she could explain how I got home last night, but why did she leave me on the floor? Something wasn’t right and I felt scared now.
I got up with all my strength and made my way to the door. When I reached for the doorknob again the thumping sound on the other side stopped. I felt a rush of cold wash over me and I felt sick. My whole body started to tingle. The carpet was wrapping around my toes.
The tiny veins quickly retracted and the door started disintegrating from the inside out. No, it wasn’t disintegrating; it was shrinking back into the door frame.
I was afraid to look, but I knew I had to.
I leaned into the opening to the kitchen.
The kitchen was not there. The smell of death was.
I saw the most horrible thing my eyes had ever seen.
Hard wood tables stretched across the floor, which were covered in dusty red sand. And on the tables laid four pale bodies – their white suits were lumped in the corner of the room, smeared with blood. I recognized these people. I was sad and infuriated all at the same time. Constructs of a blade pressing machine hovered above them as they were laid out in an assembly line fashion. I heard a small cranking sound and then the sickening soft thud.
They were being chopped up.
I threw up and fell backwards into the bedroom. There faces were so pale, there eyes were like hollowed out glass. The images burned their way into my mind. I tore at my head and scratched my face. How could this be happening!?
Then I saw from the slant of a view that I had into the kitchen, four bodies melt out of the wall and started slowly lumbering towards me, they were thin and pasty and their arms hung all the way to the floor, their finger tips dragging through the sand. They had no faces save a small mouth with which hundreds of perfectly aligned razor sharp teeth protruded.
I started crying and I got up off the floor and ran to the window – I looked outside and felt futility seeking into my bones. This couldn’t be real…
The landscape was red, the mountains were crimson, and the sky was a putrid hot pink.
Smoke curls raised up from unseen distant fires and were caught and mixed with dust devils which fell from unforgiving clouds and blew across the deserted wasteland.
I turned to see my captors hovering near me. I slunk down to the floor with my back against the wall; I curled up and began sobbing. The sun shone on them to reveal a tone of skin that was first a slick black and transitioned between beautiful, cold shiny blues and warm ultra violet purples. Like oil slicks on the ground, that’s what their skin looked like. Their hands were thick and their fingers which lay in the ground moved like tentacles. They seemed to be weaving in and out of the carpet as though it was part of some intimate conversation.
Then one of them spoke.
“We apologize for your awakening. You were not meant to have seen any of this. Your mind has been infected with a toxin which should have kept you asleep”
He spoke in raspy howls and high pitched screams and jerked his head about in a violent manner. I could tell he was not speaking English, yet, I could understand the words.
“You came here with a crew of seven” He continued.
When you began to excavate the surface you released a noxious gas which infected and killed six of your crew members. You were immune for one reason and one reason only. Over a millennium has passed since our sun collapsed. We knew survival for us would soon come to an end – we decided to send out our seed to repopulate another planet but we found that they only grew and evolved on our world because of the specific make up of our planets core, the core which gives life and grows our seed.”
I couldn’t understand the words anymore. Nothing the being was saying was making sense anymore, but he continued to speak anyways in those horrible screams and howls.
“So we sent out the few remaining seeds with a message implant that would forever be connected to its DNA. The message was… Return home and repopulate, bring as many as you can with you. As your world began to evolve, your seed grew and branched out. Your world would not be alive if it were not for us. Once the seed had evolved enough to gain the knowledge to return home, it did. Your crewmates died because they were not immune to the gas because they were part of the transmutation that occurs with all evolution. Their original DNA lost the identity that was a part of the original seed. You survived because you are of the original seed…
You are on of us” He paused for a moment and screeched at one of the other beings. One of them slowly slunk back towards the kitchen.
“The rest of your world that is not of the original line will serve as an organic supplement to the rebuilding and growth of our surface. Once again, our world will flourish.”
I saw a sickening grin appear across his face, though; it could have been my imagination, he seemed to be genuinely pleased with how this whole situation playing out.
Suddenly his voice came across to a point where I could understand what he was saying again.
“Our world use to be as one living organism – we lived off each other and grew from what we made. This house, this house is the creation of just two of your crewmates, they are living and breathing all around you – that’s why it feels as if this house is alive. But they are hungry for more of their own kind, their new kind. And we are sorry to say, that we’ll be sending you back so you can bring the rest of your planets inhabitants home.”
What was he saying, he couldn’t be serious! Any moment now Amelia would come and shake me awake from this horrible nightmare.
“What are you going on about?” I asked in a small tone.
“You think I would go back to my planet and instruct anyone to do anything but avoid this place at all costs, you must be insane.” I wiped beads of sweat away from my forehead and stood up. My legs felt like wet spaghetti noodles.
“Think whatever you want.” The alien leaned in and hissed.
“You are one of us, as mutated and grotesque as you have become through your planets evolutionary stages, you are one of us. You will go back and bring the rest of our kind home. Yes, our species will change a bit, but we will have survived – you see, it’s you who has been fooled all this time. Your kind never existed at all.”
I stared in disbelief. My mouth was dry I couldn’t speak.
My body became completely numb and I slipped to the floor again. I could not feel my body.
“That’s the toxin we’ve placed into your blood stream. It’s an antidote to the noxious gas that infects our planet. Once you are asleep, we will send you back to your planet and as soon as you awake and breathe, the toxin will spread as an airborne virus in a manner so quickly that it will cover your world in a matter of weeks, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. All your inhabitants will be infected and then they will be capable of living on our world. As it stands now, this house will die. Your crewmates cannot hold on like this – They will die in a matter of a few months because of their mutations that have led them away from the original seed – they will sustain a while longer if they had something else to feed on.
“You can’t be serious” I said. I began nervously looking for an escape. My body was completely asleep and only my head was capable of moving.
The creature that was sent away came back in with one of my crewmates bodies. I could only see him out of the corner of my left eye as I looked up from the floor.
I saw the comforter on the bed shift and move. Then, all of a sudden, the mattress lifted up to reveal a darkening abyss of a mouth with a fat wet tongue reaching out. My God, this house was alive. The bed had no teeth – just large swollen gums. It let out a deep groan as if begging for food. The Alien picked up my crewmate like a rag doll filled with lead in the hands and feet and pushed his body into the mouth of the bed. The bed sank its upper jaw down on my friend and I heard his back snap like a twig. Only for a brief moment I saw the pale reflection of death in his eyes and I all at once understood the fate of my planet.
The Alien that was speaking to me could see the horror in my eyes.
He kneeled over me and put his mouth against my ear.
“Hear these words, brother” he whispered quietly.
“Your time is over, now go, and bring them home… Oh yes, one last thing. You won’t be returning alone. Goodnight, dear brother.”
My eyes began to fall asleep and I drifted into a myriad of wonderful dreams.
Catalina Hospital, near the town of Water Crest, Florida:
Dr. Swanson shouted from the parking lot. He caught her walking up slowly to the entrance. She looked tired and exhausted, walking in a daze. He was sure the last time he saw her she was wearing the exact same clothes.
“Hello, Dr. Swanson” She said quietly. “Has anything new developed with Frank?” She knew what the answer was but she felt inclined to ask anyways.
“Sorry, Amelia” He said hopelessly as he directed them towards a bench near the entrance.
“It’s been the same ever since he returned I’m afraid.” The MRI’s have all been conclusive in showing that over 78% has been inexplicably activated. We’ve been probing to see exactly what functions they serve but we haven’t discovered anything yet. God only knows what’s going on in his head that’s torturing him.”
“What about his behavior?” She asked hopefully.
“I’m afraid it’s deteriorating at amazing rate. He still sleeps in the corner of the room. We had to remove the bed altogether because anytime we laid him down on it he would scream uncontrollably. He still tears at his face so we may have to bind his hands or put him on a higher dose of suppressants…”
Amelia started to cry.
“Oh God, I’m Sorry, Amelia – I wasn’t even thinking, Please, Please forgive me.”
“It’s alright Dr. Swanson, it’s just that it’s been 4 months and he hasn’t improved at all, I just don’t understand it.” She began sobbing.
“Well, one good thing has come from all of this, Amelia” He tried to remind her.
You’re husbands a Hero. He saved his six crewmates from certain death when they got caught in that cave in. all our tests confirm that the gas they say he was exposed to was the reason for the activation of the dormant area of the brain. It’s really quite amazing, and if we ever figure out how to control his dementia, it would be amazing all the things we could learn. Just imagine if those areas are able to tap in to some sort of telepathic abilities or has heightened sense awareness or, or, well, the possibilities are endless.”
He looked up to the sky arms stretched out; he realized he had gotten carried away.
“Look, Amelia” Dr. Swanson started again. “The team that you’re husband saved, said they found something in that cave that they could eat. They came back stronger then when they left. They said there were tunnels riddled with the stuff.
Anyway, they’re already in the planning process for terra forming the planet. In the next few months hundreds of shuttles with thousands of scientists will make the trip back to the planet. Bio Domes will be set up and thousands of settlers will be a part of the integration and building process. Just think” He grabbed Amelia’s hand.
“Just think, Amelia, if it wasn’t for Frank getting everyone back, none of this would be possible.”
“He’s a Hero, Amelia… and when this planets resource has been exhausted, well, you know, he’s essentially guaranteed the survival of our species.”
“I know I should be comforted, Dr. Swanson, but I’ve lost my husband” she said matter of factly.
“But he’s saved mankind” I know it doesn’t mean much now, but he’ll go down in history as the man that saved us all”
“You’re right” Amelia said.
“But one thing still bothers me… has he been able to say anything else since the day he returned?”
Dr. Swanson looked down.
“No. Just that one time, he said – They’re all dead, all of them, they’re all dead.”
“Would you like me to take you into see him now?”
“Yes, Thank you very much… you’re right, I am proud of Frank, Dr., He has saved us all,
May the 17th 2006
|Subject:||It's been a minute|
On the Pleasures of Being Comfortable
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I’d been suffering my whole life from a prolonged neglect of the relief of farting.
It’s something that I can honestly say I have never done in public until recently.
Well, it just so happens that I had been missing out on a world of relief. There is something so comforting about just letting the sound of a popping balloon slip out of your bottom. Not so much the sound but the instantaneous relief to your stomach.
As many of you know, I’ve had gastro problems for most of my life.
This whole farting thing has come as a great remedy thus far. I can’t recall exactly how it came about, but my wife pointed out that it was quite ridiculous for me to go to the toilet every time I had to expel gas from my rump. I couldn’t really argue with that; to me it had become a matter of routine and was no more annoying to me then breathing air.
I did realize something right away however: Every time I held a fart back it would cramp my stomach until the feeling went away or until I could make it to a bathroom.
The first time I made a conscious decision to let a fart roam free in public was as recently as a month or so ago. Let me tell you something. It felt great.
My stomach was no longer plagued with that short period of consistent pain and cramping.
That first fart sounded like someone gently kicking a soccer ball. I practiced this for a while until I became confident that I could get those soccer ball farts and balloon popping farts out without much effort.
I was really embarking in uncharted territory. Farting was not yet natural to me so I wasn’t sure if I would be able to control it. One night while sleeping in the bed, the wife and I were laying on our sides, backs facing each other, and at some point in the night our butts migrated towards one another and made contact. It was comfortable. And then I farted on her butt. At first I was quite embarrassed, I thought she might be awake, but then I heard her snore so I knew I was okay. But that fart made our butts warmer and even cozier. Who knew there were all these undiscovered joys associated with farting!
Recently my wife and I were spooning in the bed and she said she had to go to the bathroom. I asked her why and she said she had to fart. I squeezed her tightly and told her to embrace it and to just let it go! She laughed and said she couldn’t, so I tried to help her out and let one go so she would feel more comfortable. I pushed and pushed and there it was. Out of my butt roared the sound of a happy parade of people shouting and laughing!
It was by far the biggest and most adventurous fart yet. There are realms of farting I’ve yet to discover. I am a novice however so I should take it slowly.
Yesterday, for example, I was walking along and needed to fart but something was stopping me. It was the fear of ultimately knowing that I wasn’t sure if I could let this one go without some poo being involved. Also, I had to pee. I didn’t want to pee myself, so I held this one back. But one day – I’ll have control over my faculties I’m sure to the point of letting one of those enormous beasts of sound escape from me without having to worry about pooing or peeing myself.
I really have to thank my wife for giving me the level of comfort in our relationship to allow me to get this off my chest (as it were) other wise I could’ve been cramped up my whole life and died recently from some horrible stomach problem. What would the doctors have said when the autopsy report was finally done?
“Poor guy” they might say “If only he knew the joys and benefits of farting.”
There’s a whole new world out there just waiting for me to discover it.
I can’t wait.
-John M. Scrudder
|Subject:||Pardon the rabbits, they no not what they do|
|Music:||Longview: Green Day|
LOOK OUT! IT'S A BIG FRIGGIN ROCK COMING AT US MEANLY! AND SCARY LIKE AWWWWWWWW!
EARLY PRAISE FOR The Big Asteroid of Fury!
This is a story of daring defeat and great attempts at escaping actually novel writing. Simply put, it’s the most brilliant piece of work I’ve heard of. -Jimmy Dean
This book made me luagh so hard I cried all night long until my wife divorced me. But you know what. It wasn’t really worth it. I had been married for 28 years. I mean, it only took me 4 minutes to read this book, and now my marriage is over, what the hell, man.
(Semi popular author)
Excuse me? Do what? No I don’t want to read this book. Look, man, leave me alone! Fine, if you wont leave me alone at least buy me a sandwich… huh? Oh, Turkey on Rye, sure, I’ll take a soda.
The Big Asteroid of Fury!
The quiet lumbering rock from space
The Big Asteroid was huge. It came hurtling quickly and much faster then before.
Down on Earth people were restlessly shuffling about like penguins in a fire place.
But unlike Penguins, Humans didn’t live on Icebergs, and Humans could talk… and Worry!
And that’s just what they were doing. They were not living on Ice bergs. They were worrying about things! Things always seemed to occupy space in peoples minds. A lot of people were happy but some were scared. Other people were also scared too.
The Military Mounts a Rescue!
The commander center for aeronautical behavior and marine Army technician warfare navy specialist wing bombardment brigade were anticipating the arrival of the asteroid with great anticipation
The General stepped in, Big stars hung on his heavy and weightful chest.
“Sergeant!” He barked like a really angry shiatsu!
“Yes General” stated a small little guy who looked tiny in his uniform.
“Come over here and tell me something about this Asteroid” He yelled quieter this time.
“Well sir he said nervously” I would like to thing that things will be okay but the other soldiers are telling me otherwise sir”!
“This doesn’t look good trooper! Screamed the general again a lot like an angrier animal”
Now go and get the airplanes ready so we can fight this rock Sergeant, you want to get promoted don’t you sergeant, now go and get those airplanes so we can fight this rock, you want to get promoted sergeant, don’t you?
Pee Wee’s Playhouse: SECRETS REVEALED!
In a scientific laboratory a man was looking at papers like a scurrilous rat looking at piece of cheese with great interest. And minor disgust and major contempt - The paper had all sorts of scientific things on it that couldn’t possibly be explained to anyone! Cause it was too smart and he was the only one who knew how to read it and then he died of a heart attack
The Cruel Panic with Super Size Fries
Jill had the expression of a drowned goat. Her lips flapped like the rubber on the tire of a car. She babbled on like a leaky faucet and no one payed her any mind. That is until she produced a sword from her purse and started slashing away at that fat and hungry customers at the local McBurgers.
In her moment of unsupressed furry, Bob the manager couldn’t help but notice how becomingly her hair was floating down her back. Her breasts swung like two large pendulums made of sacks of flour under her uniform with the force of her mighty blow.
The blade cut through Bob like hot butter through a frying pan. He scrum out in horror!
“oh no.” He screamed like a banshee in one of those old stories with banshee’s and warlocks who eat nematodes. Jill was satisfied and put her hand in the deep fryer and took out some fries and began greedily chomping away at them like some sort of slovenly leper with amnesia disease.
She was in love with Guy who worked in a scientific lab somewhere!
Chapter the fifth
An alarming rate of water has been consumed
The General looked at his putrid cup of coffee and spat on his shirt in hatred towards all space rocks. And also rocks in general.
“Sergeant, get me your private and bring him here, I want him standing straight and tall!”
“Yes General Culligan, I will go now -
The general cut him off
-And get him”
Avery’s teeth shone bright as a light bulb burning out in a socket. Sure he was just a private but he listened to rock and roll from the sixties, so he knew a little something about how things worked.
“Private!” Bellowed the sergeant like a bellows “Come here the General wants to see you, do you have those plains ready yet? How are the kids.
The STUNNING Conclusion!
The Private never got to tell the General that he didn’t actually have any kids, not counting goats, because at that moment the fast asteroid that was hurtling quickly toward earth hit it with a loud “BANG!” and everyone died real fast.
January the 5th 2006
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|Subject:||Death to the Empire!|
|Music:||Gorillaz: "Last Living Souls"|
An Open Letter to Gumby:
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You think you're so so cool don't you?
But you aren't! you're a Jerk
I hate you Gumby.
Do you know how many giant sized books I ran into only to be laughed and ridiculed at by my friends...
You can't run into books and discover magical worlds.
You're a dumb mean guy, Gumby
I wish you would die.
I hope you're trapped outside on a hot day and melt into a sticky green puddle of goo!
Those people that laughed at me, they were not my friends... They were aliens, and they smelled like onions that came out of a chickens stomach!
They stole my money and bought fish sadwhiches and didnt even offer me any.
Thanks a lot, Gumby, if that's even your real name!!!
|Subject:||The shore to walk|
|Music:||I'm trapped in an elevator...|
I am stuck in an elevator in Idaho. I am transmitting this entry via my brain waves.
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My dear Moppet - Seems to be another flight in reality - crashing to the sea of disaster recovery - A moment to soon a blink to short - comes in focus out of contort. Another bend round the mirror, stretches the universe in vision clear. I beg to begin to go on new, to freshen the day without sorrows blue. A puzzle piece to ponder its place while we prop up that face, in lightened smile, brightened, if for a while. As if to say - what the hey?
My Dear Socks, Seems to be me your further away from my younger days. We used to be so close... and now. You smell a bit. And it is'nt good!
Fareley Well my Sierra Rose, my mountain heep of Sheep skins. I loved you as I loved that tree in the woods when it was awfully cold and no one was looking anyways.
Be good to my shoes. They are old and don't have a lot of energy nowwadays.
It's time for me to be moving on... moving on on these bare feet of my mine.
I love you all
Come feet... we have miles to walk before the days end.
|Subject:||It's been a long day|
|Music:||The Enterprise theme song!|
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History provides us with many interesting facts.
The day of the moon landing there were zero reported crimes.
Fire flies reside in 49 of the 50 states. There are no fire flies in California and no one knows why.
(Of course, that has nothing to do with history, I just liked that fact. I like it so much I ate my shoes. But then I got an infection and had to remove my knee caps with an ice cream scoop)
And my personal Favorite, Carrots can actually see in the Dark! Yes, apparently it’s because they are full of carotene, that and they are the most suspicious of the fruit family, so it would only make sense that they could see in the dark.
On of the most interesting things about history are the origins of specific events! In light of the Spooky, yet lighthearted, Halloween next month, I thought I would provide you with an insight to its origin.
Don’t believe all that bunk you heard growing up about all hallows Eve and witches and such, it’s just not true! There are some other muddled beliefs about some moons being harvested or Cats meowing loudly again, all untrue, as far as I know, cat’s don’t even have a larynx, therefore, not only can they not meow, but they can not write either – that much is true!
As an Entomologist it is my job to study history! So I dug out my Almanacs and started scanning the pages after I took full bottle of Tylenol and drank three pints of Nyquil. It was time to get to the bottom of this Terrifying, yet Indigenous holiday.
Halloween originated in Rome, 1329 A.D. In roman times babies were taught their very first word, which was usually “Hello” but because babies had no teeth, drooled a lot and smelled like rotten cabbage, it usually sounded like “Hallow” When a baby first began speaking – they were gently weaned off of the cows utter. Yes, a cows utter, it was very unflattering back in the day for a mother to breast feed her child. It was not uncommon to be walking along in a meadow and see a pasture full of cows with little baby children hanging from the utters of mommy cows, clamped on tight with suction cup lips of steel drinking the wondrous joy from within one of the cows six stomachs, (Hey, another interesting fact!) Only rich people’s babies got to drink from the brown cows which, of course, dispensed chocolate milk.
So as you may have gathered “Hallow” babies first word, and “Wean” from the babies being weaned off of the cows utter. But how did Halloween come to be one of our most celebrated holidays? Well, no one knows for sure, but many people believe it has to do with the Ebola Virus, but in fact I found it doesn’t! The Ebola Virus is actually a disease that kills you very quickly and has nothing to do with costumes or candy!
In October 1329 a very strange thing happened in Rome, Giant Albatrosses came and nested in the skulls of all the babies that were being weaned off the cows. Oh, what a horribly strange thing! The little babies were non to pleasant to look at often times the local people would gasp or struggle to hold back vomit. Anyways, the children were upset; they did after all have Albatrosses nesting in their skulls. They would cry and sulk and some of them were whisked away in the sky as the Giant birds took flight. The children’s little legs flailing about as their screams and cries fading away on the wind…
The Emperor of Scotland, who was in charge of Rome at the time, heard of this great injustice.
He liked to eat grapes. One time he ate so many grapes he got really full and went to sleep, and when he woke up he felt much better. But he never ate so many grapes again.
…The children were getting hungry. For a long while they would only eat worms because the Albatross demanded it. But the parents thought of something. They believed if they came up with a plan to get rid of the Albatrosses then everything would be fine, however, they came up with no such plan and all of them ended up with jobs at Home Depot selling lumber to Leprechauns with drinking problems.
Sometime later, the children started to wear masks to hide the hideously large, feathered ugliness that would often times protrude wings right out of their ears. The Albatrosses were becoming quite a nuisance. The children were bedraggled and scruffily looking, and what with there 9 to 5 parents at home depot, they had no one watching after them – so they joined together and started foraging for food. No one knows quite how it happened, but eventually the children started going door to door begging for food. The people of Rome would not budge, however. They were a proud people and would never sink so low as to helping poor underprivileged children.
Eventually the children would run up to the homes and ask a simple question “Trick or Treat?”
If the people were unwilling to give them food, the children would pull off their masks to reveal the rotting corpse of an Albatross nestled firmly dead inside their skulls.
As you can imagine, not too many people want to see that sort of thing (Unless you live in Idaho)
So the people wisely started giving them food. Blindly of course, would you believe it? They gave them candy? Of course, in Ancient Roman times, they didn’t understand the municipal benefits of candy back then. They use to just throw it away or wash there cars with it, often times the Romans would stuff there dead full of Candy Corn. This is also where piñatas originated.
Well – the scuttlebutts (the children were often called this since crabs were always picking at them for the yummy dead bird meat stuffed away in their little heads) would run around all night long until their pillow cases were full of candy, then they would stuff themselves full of the sugary sweetness and then low and behold, something amazing was discovered. It turned out the birds didn’t like Candy, so they magically came back to life and flew back to Antarctica where they would hibernate for months on end until they grew beards and moved to outer space.
The Wonderful, yet sickening tale of Halloween migrated from Rome to America by way of Boat. It was brought here in 987 A.D. by The great playwright Ed Wood. He revolutionized popular Commercialism by exploiting Halloween to its fullest potential! And then kids started wearing masks and trick or treating and the rest is history.
So, in a sense, by celebrating Halloween we are really doing nothing more then making fun of the Romans. And that is specifically why I don’t celebrate Halloween, because I saw that movie Gladiator! Man, those guys can kill you by pushing a spear through your face, they can make your arms fall off just by looking at you really hard and you know what, I don’t want any of that crazy trouble, cause that’s just nonsense if you ask me! I don’t want to be a part of the magically charming, yet horribly dangerous like a poisonous snake bite Halloween! No sir.
And so – I just hopped in my Popsicle car and drove down the road.
And as the night grew dark, and I trampled upon the leaves, I could hear the babies sucking on utters and swaying gently in the breeze
The origin of the caramel apple
Let’s just say it involved someone going to the bathroom, a lack of toilet paper and a bowl of fruit nearby. Need I go on?
September the 19th 2005
|Subject:||Where are you taking me?|
|Mood:||Lost my mind|
|Music:||The Gorillaz: Demon Days "For the whole month of August"|
On things that matter most.
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They say in space no one can hear you scream. First of all, I’ve never been in space, and why is it that the first thing you would attempt doing is screaming. Shouldn’t something more relevant or at least more interesting be put into place here, like, if your floating around in space you will die without a space helmet?
Anyways, how was this theory first tested? Were a couple of hapless wandering astronauts just floating about in space as one of them took off there helmet and began screaming?
“Do you hear something bill?”
“No I don’t, Ted. Funny that. You can’t hear someone scream in space”
As I’ve said, I’ve never been in space. And as far as I know, I don’t know anyone who has ever been in space. It can’t be all that it’s cracked up to be; it’s cold and dark and you can’t breathe. Doesn’t exactly sound like a pleasure weekend.
If I went into space, the first thing I would do was to make sure I had a helmet. Oh, and some knee and elbows pads because I hear reentry is a bitch.
I don’t like space. Space is boring and it’s full of astronauts and satellites.
Space is probably the most boring invention out there. I heard it was made by accident. Apparently some guy was designing some sort of coil for the Navy and it was all springy and stuff so they patented it and called it a slinky! Talk about your all time blunders.
So this thing was marketed towards kids and a big corporation called NASA sprang up so they could put people in rockets and launch them into one of the hemispheres where the rocket would then promptly explode leaving the nation confused and unhappy.
Then NASA just started launching rockets to the moon, where there now resides dozens of starving astronauts. Useful things the astronauts brought with them; a flag and a golf club.
As you can see, there are no real scientists working for NASA, which, in case you didn’t know, stands for (Nothing Atall Scientific Aboutus)
NASA is also responsible for Furby, Barney, New Pepsi and Jar Jar Binks.
In the future, NASA plans to send the remnants of the Titanic into space with 130 piece orchestra and several dead monkeys.
To Date, NASA is responsible for spending at least 98% of the world’s money, and was also responsible for the Spanish American war which the Canadians have never forgiven us for. Canada, however, was responsible for Avril Lavigne, to which, we have never forgiven them for.
So to all you Space aficionados out there. Give it a rest. NASA’s long tormented reign upon this nation is soon coming to an end. Embrace the turning tide of Hot Lava spilling forth from the mouth of the volcano, and breathe in the heavy fumes of the inner cities.
Soon there will be a new parade gracing this Earth filled with Giant Potato men who eat dogs and sticks that wiggle around on the ground when the wind blows (or even when the wind doesn’t blow!) So look out kids! There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Ken.
He doesn’t take kindly to strangers and he shoots anything that moves or anything that looks like a rock or a plastic container of Jell-O Pudding snack, but that’s only because he doesn’t like broccoli; deep down inside he’s a nice guy with a collection of hot wheels at home. He has a wife and 384 children they live in a dark cold cave, but at least they can breathe in there.
|Music:||Supergrass: Far away (acoustic)|
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the center of Love
in a nothing land
a beautiful echo
of a distant memory
my fading friend
wind blown field
depends on where you're going...
I love you
25th of July 2005
Don’t get lost on your way to Heaven
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Today – God give me this day, this day I have to give to you –
Today this day, a day to make you smile, to give you what you want
Wanting to give that which makes you happy, which makes you smile…
Faith, Hope and Love, holding Love in the highest –
Don’t make a big mistake and try to feel it
Forget the feeling; focus on the fact, and the reality of Faith
Help me love you, as I love myself and my neighbor
Help me to love you and give you everything you’ve given me
I will obey – I will find the way – you will bring me home
Cause I know this isn’t it, and we don’t belong here
Don’t let us get lost on the way to Heaven
June 8th 2005
To Mother, A charm
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To heaven an Anvil, god surely sent
Retracing steps through the woods
Beyond the reach of willows bend
To settle in the heather, lost again
I found the figure, a father I lost
To gather alone in the growing moss
Love she said, what once was, is no more
Tainted by guilt, killed by the axe of pity
O’er the tree, I looked upon, might be right
If heaven dropped an Anvil, in woe of flight
In open palms, set fingers stretched
Another day living through life’s regrets
To Mother a charm in Apple blossom
Sun rise on a shadowed child – looks across the sea
It’s in silent comfort when you hear things clear
Those mountains of clouds raining near
And when It came, that rushing sound - - -
Every where I looked, Anvils to the ground
I stepped into the air, as my feet grew light
And took in Gods satisfaction, the favor of flight
June 7th 2005
|Music:||Beck: "Nobody's fault but my own"|
Things seemed so run down there, like a country that didn’t know it was sad
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|Subject:||Everything gonna change|
|Music:||A.M. Radio: "You saved my life"|
My spot on admission of all the things I’d seen
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Tambourines played through the night while the people danced
Their jingle jangles all off beat – no one seemed to mind watching the floats
Rick is the one that found the baby Jesus in the King cake
Though I can’t recall the significance, a year of good luck?
Beads for breasts, this is the tradition of which people?
Too many off balances, falling in to me,
Stinking me up with their bourbon breath
But its fun – murder capital of the world
I walked until my feet were sore and the sun fell through the buildings
It splashed into the alley ways awaking the regrets of the night before
But not before noon, that is
My memory serves me up a dish of truth
I know now, that I never even went there
And I’ve no idea what I’m talking about
You saved my life last night
I’m walking away with my mind on Jesus, Halleluiah
May the 19th, 2005
|Subject:||This is older then I'd like|
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Paper moon, I cut you so wrong
I couldn’t find the edges of a midnight song
The frustration that comes with a summer heat
Things I can’t change that pin me to the street
I wanted to know what it was to make you feel right
Instead I broke my back and cursed the night
May the Somethingth 2005
|Subject:||The last stand of no one|
|Music:||Snow Patrol: "Same"|
Poor bridge in London
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Lambrequins of fog how you toiled down through the smoke filled smog
And brought about these rainy streets, of simple fashioned Londoners
To simply greet
Oh, how the grey velvet stretched across your countries breast
And encompassed them all in a mood lay down by the summer rain
I fumbled atop the cobblestone in my contrasting colors
Against the pools soaked from the spaces in between
I know I landed here, and not fallen from some misty dream
The river I peered from a bridge I knew not
And the silver plated cars zoomed by, never caught
For what I imagined then I still feel now – wonder what I saw
On that rainy day in London for my heart to thaw
For history wasn’t inclined to meet me head on
And my fabrication of reality wasn’t too strong
But now I imagine if I was ever there at all
For my heart has been given, to London’s call
May the 18th 2005
|Subject:||Feeling unwell, feeling better|
|Music:||Melanie: "Lay down (candles in the rain)"|
Isolation & In the parking lot
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Every time I take a crawl I’m surprised by the fall
Every time I take a step I found I’d slept
Through another obstacle facing me down
Never fails to astound the mind, how fast we drown
It’s a little like the light that floats in on the dust
Through the shades upon the false hoods of trust
A glimmer, a glint, a subtle mornings hint
To open the shades, or draw them shut
To find an clarity or be stuck in a rut
Catch those words falling from their lips
Falling to the floor like edits of movie clips
Sweep them below the rug
When all she needed was a hug
A kiss, a word of confidence
Miracles miss in absence
To find the room to breath normal again
It takes a lot of work and a little love
To beat down the pull of push and shove
To find that love newly discovered
Scratch the surface of honesty uncovered
Who knew it’d be like this -
So much derived
From a single kiss
May the 18th 2005
|Subject:||Rancid Boxcar Racer|
|Music:||Boxcar Racer: "Cat Like Thief"|
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|Subject:||INSTRUCTIONAL PURPOSES ONLY|
|Mood:||Fun, fun, fun|
|Music:||Scissor Sisters: "Mary"|
HOW TO PLAY FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE
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1. Make sure you have no interest in playing the game. Be sure to express this to everyone you know.
2. Buy the game and open the box. The box consists of over 100 CD’s which must be installed onto your computer. (You will probably have to buy a new computer just to play this game.) There will also be a 38,000 page book of instructions and a course application sheet you must fill out so you can attend 4 additional years of college specifically for the game. (Yes, you can play the game without going through these college courses, but it strongly recommended that you go through the classes. I knew a guy one time that tried to play without going to the classes and he got run over by a truck, so, think about it.)
3. You have to install your online viewer disc and all one hundred something Final Fantasy Discs. This should take no more then 3 or 3 and half months depending on your connection speed. The computer will be telling you to insert incorrect discs all the time! Just ignore and put them in sequential order.
4. After all the discs are loaded its time for some serious fun by which I mean registration and dishing out some green backs to play this fabulous game you’ve heard so much about!
5. Now it’s time to load up the game only to find out you don’t have the right graphics card because you are a stupid, cheap bastard. To solve this problem you have to go through a painful process of finding a graphics emulator that only reveals big chunky white and grey blobs where pictures and letters are supposed to be. This is a lot of fun, isn’t it!? Since you cant read anything be sure you have someone on the phone who has a decent graphics card and can walk you through your grey blob nightmare so you can create a character!
6. Creating a character is a lot of fun. No, no it isn’t. By this point your frustration level should be peaking and after a year of installing and registering and emulating, all you really want to do is play the game.
7. After you complete your character, you must enter a world pass or be assigned to some place where you start the game, however, since your emulator doesn’t properly work the online viewer will simply shut down and return you to your desktop – this fulfills your Final Fantasy XI online gaming experience, I hope you had as much fun as I did!
8. Punch the monitor. Throw your computer out the window and break anything around you. Though this is not like playing FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE, It is a good substitute considering all the pain and anguish you could have circumvented by simply turning your computer on and starting out on the desktop.