herbert west....'s journal

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Saturday, November 29th, 2003
5:31 pm
grew a mustache and a mullet.... got a job with chickfilet.... citing artistic differences the band broke up in may... and in june reformed without me and they got another name.... baked another grandmas apple pie and hung my head in shame... no.....

been thinking alot today.

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2:01 am
Immediatly in front of me -

A 3d pinball game cd. sprite can, dollar general tape dispenser, CH gamepad, financial aid application, piece of paper with the numbers 2088536678, red sharpy, piece of a panasonic tape player, gravis pc gamepad, empty cd case, old story i wrote, my mothers resume, two computer cpu's, an empty plastic bag, 31 1.44 disks, two empty ink cartiges, The Best of Hp Lovecraft, Bram Stokers Dracula, Stephen Kings Salem's Lot, The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy by Time Burton, The Annotated Hp Lovecraft, and More Annotated Lovecraft.

Sounds I hear right now -

Whirring of 3 computer fans. The bland ring of electricity. The humming of a distant airplane.

Things I feel right now -

The bite of cold metal on bare skin. The longing aridness of being parched. The overwhelming sense you get when trying to separate all sounds and identify them.

In short -

I am bored.

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1:43 am
A spoken biography, when on the recieving end, can be related to a long arduous walk down a monotone hallway. A visitor within a hospital comes to mind, with unchanging scent and sound, and with a still-presence of loss without the actual materialization there off. Despite the shuffling of papers and the scramble of white or green clothed bodies, everything is faceless and the buzz of the dauntless lights can make the shortest walk draining. That being said....

Hello hello hello.

Can't you just hear them?

Why are life stories so lifeless, and so full of vitality at the same time? Actually, I don't care why, how? How is more pertinant a question.

Why can I be living in three to five dimensions, but to the world I relay it to... despite obvious objections to the analogy, be seeing it so coldly and feelinglessly?

I swear, I am in color. Everything I see is as well, except when I glimpse in to your life through your journal or thoughs... or even conversation... then it turns in to an old classic movie.

"Dr. fffffffffffffffffff to the ffffffffffffffffffffffffffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I really need to start living in color. Mark Twain is quoted as saying something to the affect of "Live so that even the mortician weeps on your passing." Makes sense, to a degree.

What can I do to make you laugh or cry?

I will die through words, and engage in sin after sin? Laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints... the sinners are so much fun... only the...........................................

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Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
2:40 am
Hey, good day. Works sucks, but I am looking for another job. I walked in today and was told that as Ast manager, I was only supposed to do stocking and making sure people are doing the right thing. Then they took my keys away from me. Whatever, really. I need a new job anyways. If they want to pay me for doing less work, that is up to them.

Miranda makes me happy. She holds me, and hugs me, and even if it sounds lame, I like it alot. For being a man, I like to be held and loved an astounding amount. I guess either there is a common misconception held even by males about how much affection they like, or I am overly sensative.

I need a new graphics card. something 128 megs.

I need to learn more on the guitar. I am getting sick of hammering out "charming man" by the smiths, and calling it a night. Lately, it is the only fun song i can remember.

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
12:24 pm - eventually, it works
Well, my love slept over last night. I had a restful night, but she said she had another nightmare about me cheating on her. Kind of hurts the old feelings, and is a shame. I would never do that to her.

I rented Sinbad. Great movie. I meant to burn it but was too lazy. I would recommend it to anyone though.

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
2:29 am - fighting words
Got in to another idiotic match with my girlfriend, over AIM this time. I did not take off from work as I was unable to, to attend an art show we both really wanted to go to on Lockport. Market Street Art Gallery. Fantastic place with many budding artist. Anyhow....

I did manage to secure today off, to go to a computer show... I need a video card.

The thing is, I had warned my boo that I would not be able to switch, as it was impossible, and she seemed alright with it. The problem arose when she read an IM I made to a friend inviting him to the comp show (she does not dig those), and she complained that she thought I didn't even try to go to the art show, but could go to my show. She expressed how sad she was, and I got supremely frustrated.

I can admit, I did get frustrated easy, but essentially, she accused me after I told her I couldnt go no matter what.

I think I just need to somehow express that my life, although existing within her universe quite closely, does not revolve solely around her. I just can't say that, or she will be upset.

The fight ended with her throwing up an away message. I love her to death, but she does hurt me sometimes.

current mood: cranky
current music: This chaaaaaaaaarming maaaaaaan.

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2:18 am - Well, I got one, now what?
I guess I write in it. There have been a myriad of things that have recently, or almost recently sent my life in to a tizzy. I will begin from the top, and not digress really. I might touch on a few points later on but this is a brief history :

Age :
8 - Went vegetarian.
12- Puberty I think. Unsure.
14 - Parents split up, move in with dad.
14-15 - Figure out dad is a shitbag who has odd porn and grows his own weed since he is unemployed.
14-15 - Moved several times, finally ending with mother in Buffalo. Father is in Syracuse.
16-19 - Figure out I am a lazy SOB, but manage to finish highschool. Mother is unstable, but we all deal.
18-19 - Lost virginity, I think.
19-20 - Join the army, they said. See the world, they said. I did. 31F.
19-20 - Buys a nice laptop!!!
20 - Went AWOL for many a reason, and father steals computer (sent to him, he does not give back)
20 - Did the AWOL shuffle. Found a simple loophole, and got out under general conditions. No dishonorable.
20 - Stayed with my wonderful girlfriend until I got kicked out of her house.
20 - Grovelled while homeless for a month, and moved back in with mother. Ah, good times.
20 - Pulled life out of gutter, got good job, bought nice car.
20 1/2 - And here we are. Promoted to Ast. Manager of a store, driving a nice car, new computer.... depressed.
20 1/2 - Still with love of my life, although she does scare me sometimes. Still vegetarian.

Now, you know me. Let's begin, shall we?

current mood: crappy
current music: Switchfoot - Meant to live

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