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Sunday, June 5th, 2005
9:28 pm - All Mine...
All the stars may shine bright All the clouds may be white But when you smile Ohh how I feel so good That I can hardly wait. To hold you Enfold you. Never enough Render your heart to me All mine....... You have to be.
From that cloud, number nine Danger starts the sharp incline And such sad regrets Ohh as those starry skies As they swiftly fall Make no mistake You shan't escape. Tethered and tied There's nowhere to hide from me All mine.... You have to be. Don't resist We shall exist Until the day I die Until the day I die. All mine....... You have to be.

current mood: contemplative
current music: cowboys - portishead

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Saturday, June 4th, 2005
11:55 pm
What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Favourite Colour
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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10:55 pm - heart broken yet i don't know why
well it's been awhile since i have written but there has been a lot happening in my life. I've been talking to this guy who happens to be straight in my hopes of conversion because i have really started to fall for him. Lately he hasn't been returning my calls or text messages and he usually does and well I am going to give up hope what is a girl to do in a situation like this ? Well i guess i will hold my head up high hoping that the guy i am looking for is looking for me as well and is hoping that i am around the corner God knows i am hoping that he is around the corner. Well i am just heart broken i hate falling for straight guys and then they pay no attention to me well i don't want to seem desperate but i really like him so i think i will persue this until i know for sure that he hasn't found a girl friend or is just not interested. Well if you have any advice on what i should i would greatly appreciate it.

current mood: confused
current music: Tear in your hand - tori amos

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Saturday, May 21st, 2005
9:53 pm - Love Or Lust
Well it has been a couple of days since i last wrote and well a lot has happened. Chemisty has become more intresting everyday. I am over David and for a while i thought he was all that but now i see the truth that it was only a puppy crush and well i am glad my puppy crush is over. Well there is a new crush in my life well there are two and well i don't know how i am going to deal with it. Well lets start off with cory he is kinda of flirty with me like all guys are when they are confused and aren't sure what they are. Well it all started at the beginning of this semester cory terrorized me he would not leave me alone and he would always call me a fucking faggot and he would say that he hated people like me and it got to a point where him and his friends harrassed me one day i had, had enough i was cussing at him and really putting him in his place. I had to file sexual harrassement on him (yeah that is how bad it got) anyways lately he has been coming on to me you could say. like the other day he said that he liked me and i was like yeah cory i like you to (sarcasm) and then he said no i fucking love you dude . i was like sure what ever i mean i wasn't being mean or anything i was just going along with it. he also said that he wanted to have a threesome with me and my friend. He also asked for my number i gave it to him i gave him the number 1800 go fuck yourself i wrote that on his arm he said that the way i wrote my g's turned him on and i was like okay whatever he gave me his number and i called and he told me to call back because he was on the other line but i never called back because i don't think i need to go after something i know will never happen. Anyways enough about cory. I really like this guy named Landon i know that name is so hot lol. I met him will crusing with my friends we saw him in the car next to ours so i started talking to him because i thought he was cute okay okay i thought he was HOT!!!!!! i was talking to him i got his number and well i hung out with him the next day it was me and my friends we went to a mexican resturant and ate i sat next to him and he would nudge my elbow and flirt with me a lot. We shared a plate and each time i would get rice and beans he would push it off my fork i made a sad face and then he put the beans and rice back on my plate. we also got cheese dip and he spilt some on his chin and he let me clean it off. i rode in his car and me an him like the same types of music. a couple of days later i called him on the phone and we talked for about an hour. I asked him if would ever like to hang out and he said that he had never hung out with a gay guy on his own, and he didn't know if he would be comfortable. i told him that what he said hurt my feelings and he was like it isn't that i don't like you it is just that i don't trust myself with you. meaning that he didnt' know what he might do if i was with him alone. So i hope that is for the good. I like Landon a lot and well my friend is kinda jealous because i won't give her his number and well it is making me pissed because she has someone. I like him so much and i hope i will get to know more about Landon in the future. Oh did i tell you i kissed him on the cheek the night that i met him and well lets just say he didn't freak out he was like he kissed me and started laughing he was hugging me to well who knows what will happen

current mood: flirty
current music: Calling out - Natalie Imbruglia

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Thursday, May 12th, 2005
9:00 pm - CORY
Cory what a guy. If i was to say one thing to describe cory it would be unforgettable. Cory died yesturday and it still hasn't hit me i am trying to stay strong but the more i try to stay strong the harder it is to keep all my emotion bottled up. People say it isn't good to do that but i say go fuck yourself. I wish cory was here one last time so i could tell him how good of a friend he was i mean of course we had our differences but we were still friends. All day i have been hanging out with my closets friends kristy and ken and all day all we could do is talk about cory all the good times that we had together. Today felt like a dream i was wishing and hoping that cory was just playing a joke and would walk through the doors of the waffle house but he never did. I hate cory for being dead. I hate the fact that i didn't get to tell him how much it meant to me to know that he was my friend. i wish i could just talk to him one last time and tell him how much i cared for him and how if i had the chane i would much rather it be me than him. and i truly mean that. and i would give anything thing to turn back time. I'll miss you cory you will always have a special place in my heart

current mood: sad
current music: don't think i'll ever get over you - garden state soundtrack

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Saturday, May 7th, 2005
11:10 pm - Different world
Well i was thinking that i wrote this journal and no one read it i thought it was all in vain. Little did i know people do read my journal how do i know you may be wondering someone im me imagine that. Well enough chit chat today was prom and of course i didn't get asked i was kinda hoping i would go but i didn't i mean my friend asked me to go but she is a girl and everyone knows what she is selling i'. not buying. i wanted to go with David if you guys were wondering, but he has a girlfriend so he went with her. Anyways if i haven't said this already i think he is a little curious and when i say curious i mean about the whole gay thing. you might be asking " How do you know is he that obvious" and my answer is no he is not obvious but it is little things that he does like in chemistry class the only class i see him due to the fact that, that is the only class i have with him. sorry i am getting sidetracked. Okay back to the story well in chemistry out of no where he tells me "Obed don't even think about asking me to dance with you " and i was like david it will be a cold day in hell before i even think of dancing with you (and of course that was a lie if he asked me to dance i would be on him like white on rice) anyways i found it a little weird that he would say that i mean i never said i wanted to dance with him i mean he flirts with me all the time. i am guilty also because i flirt back but that isn't a crime. And another thing when i send him txt messages and he doesn't send back, the next day he is all like sorry obed i could send back txt messages becasue i was at work and then my friend told im tat if you don't want im to send you text messages tell him. He told her that he didn't care that i sent him txt messages. So i don't know if that is another sign or not. I sent him this one txt message say we were over you know just as a joke and the next day i was flirting with him and he said"obed you can't talk like that anymore you said it was over so who knows what that means but i hope it is good. well that is all i have to say well i'll talk to you guys soon

current mood: hopeful
current music: if gravity let us go - bic runga

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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
2:38 pm - Am i meant to wonder the world lonely and depressed?
well my day is going bye really slow and i hate the fact that i have no one to share the day with this guy alan likes me and i've known him for quite awhile but i don't think it will work out due to that fact that he lives in nashville. I mean he said that he would come down and visit but i think it would be such a waste of time and a waste of gas! So i gave him all these excuses for him not to come down and see me. And i don't want to give up on turning david ( another guy that i like but doesn't acknoledge my excistence) gay. i mean i really like him and i mean i think he might like me but something inside tells me that it will never happen. i think i should give up and force myself to be straight at least then i would have someone that likes me but i wouldn't like them so i guess that would be useless. maybe i am meant to be single to wander the world without anyone to share my feelings with and who will want me with them all the time. i think that is my purpose in life to watch others be happy while i am miserable and lonley. i just wish david would like me like i like him. I think that would be a place of nirvana for me just to know that he likes me. i think i could die happy then but do i see that in my future no. but that doesn't mean i am not going to stop trying but i know i should. Only time will tell

current mood: lonely
current music: Garden state soundtrack

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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
11:36 am - bored
Well what to say well this week has been a drag winter guard is over and i felt so sad when it ended i ended up cryingy the whole way home i met all these wonderful people and now i won't see them until next season if they decide to come back the on ly person i will be happy not to see is darren he gets on my nerves like no on else i am ver short with him i have zero tolerance for every stupid little act that he does it gets on my ever lasting nerves well i guess that is all i have to say i'll update it later

current mood: drained
current music: lets get it on in public - Kelis

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Saturday, March 26th, 2005
4:58 pm - Sometimes you have to be mean to get your point across
well it is getting closer to the camp for glassmen and secretly i hope ashley doesn't make it not for the fact that she isn't good it is the fact that she is annoying and i know she doesn't like me and i don't give a flying rats ass if she likes me or not it is just i don't think she can handle it she is just to emotional. i want kristy to go that way me and her can have fun all summer, and i don't know be away from everyone that gets on our nerves "ashley" i am not going to be nice because i don't see the reason to. i mean she hates when people talk about her but the second you give her the chance she talks about everyone and there sister. ashley is just a little to hypocritical. i mean i am nice to her to her face but i really don't like hanging out with her and i hope she does read this because in all honesty i want her to know how i feel she has the right to know. not many people like her, but they don't say it but i feel sorry for her and well maybe she will find friends that don't find her as annoying as i do

current mood: annoyed
current music: fuck the pain away - peaches

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Friday, March 25th, 2005
11:05 pm - tired
well today i feel dirty not dirty as in eww i need a shower but dirty as in naughty lol i had this dream where this guy that i think is attractive was in the guard room " room where guard members keep there shit" "shit as in Things" any ways he was in there and well i was talking to him and asked him what he was doing there and well i got closer to him and he said obed don't and then i went down on him and seemed to enjoy it and i mean why wouldn't he every guy likes to be pleasured, anyways now i think i might like him meaning i might want to go out with him but he isn't gay " well not yet anyways" but to me this is really big due to the fact that i don't end up liking people after a dream lol and you may be wonder what the hell how and i am wondering the same thing. I hope i get closer to this guy because i really like him it isn't like i just met him no i have known him for awhile but only time with tell and time is not my friend.

current mood: dirty
current music: tori amos "tear in your hand

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
5:37 pm
well today is boring as usual i think i am going to give up on being secret on who i am i mean fuck that people will just have to accept me the way i am right. Well to start out my name is obed and well you probably have already guessed due to the fact that i am gay and well i live in cleveland and there is no other "open" gay person here in cleveland well not anymore at least. i am kinda bored right now i just got back from school and well i still don't have a boyfriend but i didn't get an im from my former boyfriend who now resides in detroit but i have gotten over him and i am glad, but deep down i still know i have feelings for him. man this journal must not make any sense i am just rambling onf about random stuff. my best friend kristy wasn't at school today which made me sad due to the fact that i had to sit in chemistry and now one to talk to due to the fact that i am gay and everyone tends to hate me or make fun of me or ask me personal questions that i am confortable with answering but they aren't confortable listening to the answer thought they asked the question i hope i am not confusing you. but i guess right now i am just "BLAH" empty I need the affection of a man and i need it fast i just want to be held ladies you know what i mean i just want to feel safe. and cuddle and kiss but i guess that will happen in time i guess karma is coming back with a fierce revenge for all the relationships i have screwed up on in the past but it will soon pass and if it doesn't kill me it will only make me stronger

current mood: blah
current music: "Army Of Me" by: bjork

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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
9:03 pm - confused???????????????????????? desperate, depressed
well i am confused and well i guess a little depressed but for some weird reason i don't know why. well my friend did tell me that my other two friends "fred and barney" did stuff together and i guess maybe that has a little do with how i am feeling. but i don't really care what fred and barney do is there biz i mean come one it isn't like i like either of them. Okay maybe i do like barney just a little but i dont think that would make me feel like this i mean yeah it adds but it doesn't take over. it isn't like it is the major worry in my life to be honest i don't know what is maybe this whole state of depression is all in my head and well if it is i hate it. i had a migraine all day and it killed me i didn't to be a school i didn't want to talk to anyone not even my hag but i did because i love her and would never want to make her feel bad though i felt like crap. tomorrow i am going to go to my guidance counsler to talk about getting out of spanish. I hate that class! i think i know what is causing the problem i just want a boyfriend that is what is killing me inside everyone has there own special someone and me being gay makes just a little harder i mean i know plenty of gay guys but they aren't what i would call boyfriend material maybe a fuck-buddy but to be honest i am down with all of that (pardon my words ) SHIT! i just want someone to cuddle with hold hands with i want someone to walk me to class damnit i just want to love someone and be loved in return but i see that, that day is far away and it kills me. it truly kills me inside i fell like Shit! and i don't think it is going to get any better one can only hope

current mood: depressed
current music: Army of me - bjork

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4:47 pm - Hmmm.......?!?!?!?!?!?!!?
Hmmm, what is ther to say? today was okay i mean my best friend is leaving i think i will call him fabulous just to keep his and my identity a secret. he is leaving he is moving and i don't think i will ever see him again he is moving far away never mind where he is moving because that would only pin point who. i feel sad i mean he was my only other gay friend the one i talked to about guy stuff i know that there are girls but sometimes you need the opinion of a guy and being gay makes us closer. Not closer in a sexual way but closer in a friendship way i mean i was able to tell him stuff and to confide in him and to see him leave breaks my heart i don't know how i will be able to go on, but i know i will. i think that he is one of those people. You know the people that you meet and they touch your heart i only wish he didn't have to leave. Well enough of the moping well today i saw the guy i so desperatly want to talk to i mean he is so nice i guess he is. i mean i have never really talked to him, but i wish. i see him everyday, but the fact that i see him makes me go crazy inside i would tell you his name but i don't want any of this to get out. i don't want to hurt the reputation of anyone i talk about so i don't thinkk i will use any names. i mean i wish i could tell the whole world my secret of being gay an the whole world be fine with it but i guess that only happens in the land of perfect. Maybe one day there will be a land of perfect were it doesn't matter whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, black or white mexican or asian but you are accepted for who you are not what you are

current mood: depressed
current music: tori amos

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