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Witch Baby

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I freaking hate people somtimes... [09 Dec 2003|08:36pm]
[ music | Alien Ant Farm - "Movies" ]

Why do I fall for guys who are generally bad for me? The kind of guys who break my heart as a human being, make me cry about everything negative I think about myself?

So, I fall for them instead of the guys, the good guys, the guys who actually care about my feelings and don't treat me like shit. The guys who are good for me. But no. I fall for the bad boys.

So many people turn their backs on you when you actually think you can trust them. It's funny how I could even find someone who I thought was a good person...someone who really liked me. LOL!

she’s not breathing

We're artists! :D [05 Dec 2003|10:19pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Jack off Jill - "Strawberry Gashes" ]

Had a blast tonight. Who thought doing homework on a Friday night would be so much fun? :) Jourdan came over and ‘helped’ me paint my abstract picture for Art class. I think we got more paint on each other than on the actual painting. ^_^

This weekend is going to be hectic. I have to do like three school projects, start on some of my finals reviews, and paint my room. Ugh. Teachers always pile all this work on us the last few weeks before school is out for the Semester. Hope I pass! Hope I pass!

So I’m thinking of painting my room two different colours of blue and having a hot pink or black stripe running around the center. Eh?

“You gotta fast car
I wanna ticket to anywhere
Maybe we can make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better.
Starting from zero, got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make somethin
Me, myself I've got nothing to prove

You've got a fast car
I've got a plan to get us out of here
Managed to save just a lil bit of money
Won't have to drive to far
Just across the border and into the city You and I can both get jobs
Finally see what it means to be living.

You got a fast car,
Is it fast enough to fly away?
We gotta make a decition.
Leave tonight...or die this way.
she’s not breathing

Love is for fools who fall behind. [03 Dec 2003|10:13pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Fuel - "Shimmer" ]

She has pale delicate skin
Dark red lips
Long black hair
Her eyes, streaming tears
She's screaming inside
In her hand, a blade
The blade crawls across her skin
The red river flows


...I wish I was beautiful
Make me beautiful like you.

(Who wrote that...blahblahblah)

"Where's your ring? Oh no! Did y'all break up?"
"Uh, awhile ago, yeah."
"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine."

I'm fine, really.
Love is for fools who fall behind, anyways.

she’s not breathing

Keep your dreams alive...Dreams are still how the strong survive [02 Dec 2003|11:29pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Placebo - "Every you, every me" ]

People around my age seem to be the most suicidal, and I don’t really know why. Maybe it is because this age is confusing. You aren’t old enough to make choices, but you aren’t young enough to depend on your parents. Sometimes you say one thing, and mean exactly the opposite. Maybe you’re trying to find out who you are. People at school always seem to be jumping from one clique to another, trying to find where they fit in. I don’t know what their reasons are but I do know one thing, suicide is a very selfish thing. From what I’ve picked up from people who are suicidal, they believe people don’t care about them. They believe they’re a poor lonely soul in a cold dark world with no way out. Bull. I know it’s rude of me to say this, if you are suicidal, but get over yourself. So what if you’ve had some rough years, everyone does. Dwelling on suicide just brings your depression out even more. And, for the record, people out there do care about you even if you don’t think so or don’t want them to. Committing suicide you are only showing other people you don’t care about them.

I don’t know why I just wrote that. I guess I’m trying to convince myself to get over the petty things. I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have a house, to have a family, to have friends, to have food and water, clothes, to be able to get up and walk, and to be able to read this. Some people aren’t as lucky as I am, and some people are luckier than me.

she’s not breathing

I'm sorry I can't be perfect [30 Nov 2003|10:19pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | Ani DiFranco - "Both Hands" ]

Dear God,

You know all my life I’ve believed in you, except for recently I’ve become skeptical. But, God, if you are up there I’d like you to take a few minutes out of your life and help me. I think people get the wrong impression of me. They see a slightly “gothed” or “punked” out girl and never bother to look deeper. Maybe if they noticed my observant eyes then they’d understand what I thought. Maybe then they’d understand my problems, then they’d see the real me. I know it’s not healthy to live a lie, knowing that people think I’m someone who I’m not but never setting them straight. If I really want people to understand the real me maybe I should let them into my world for a few brief moments, God. But, that leads to fake smiles, fake sympathy, and fake friends. I don’t want people to be my friend because they feel that I’m a poor soul, I want them to be a true friend, someone who actually cares if I live or die. I want someone to say “Hey, How is your day?” and actually mean it. I want to see what others see when they look into the mirror. I want to see me. I want to see me as a young woman and not just a kid struggling to grow up. I want to understand life, God, I want meaning. God, I don’t know what I want to be, and I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever know. I don’t seem to think like typical Christians do and that leads to disagreements and being on the outskirts of even my own youth group. God, I want you to open my eyes and let me know you’re real. I want all of this, God. But this all would take a miracle and I don’t think the world is ready for that, God, I don’t even know if I am.

Oh, she's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie's a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

she’s not breathing

This smile isn't real…but it's for your sake... [29 Nov 2003|09:42pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Everclear - "Learning How to Smile" ]

He took me to the Gardens. It’s a very beautiful place.
We ran off the path and crawled through the bushes to a clearing with a canopy of trees far above our heads. We walked across a fallen tree trunk covering a pond; he steadied me with one strong hand when I almost lost my balance. We ate Sugarcakes and licked each other’s sticky fingers. We laid in the green grass making pictures out of clouds and laughed together. We rolled down a hill together, tangling up, then untangling, and wished on four leaf clovers. We made out in a maze of pink flowered trees. We danced in the square and some people gave us coins for the performance. We splashed through the fountains when the guards weren’t looking and snuggled in a rusty swing. We snuck kisses behind the trees and whispered sweet nothings in each others ears, played with each others hands and talked about love.

Oh of course, this was all long ago when things felt right between us. I want it go back to the way it was...

she’s not breathing

I cannot save you; I can't even save myself [28 Nov 2003|09:53pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Stabbing Westward - "Save Yourself" ]

Where were you at 6AM on Black Friday? I was in my warm cozy bed. :D . I did go out later, however. Blah crowds of cranky people yelling at everyone…Best Buy and Target (Wedding shower Sunday so I had to get stuff from the registry) were the worst. Icks, I feel sorry for the workers.

After that a group of us went to a quaint little café place and chilled. Jourdan was there. Yay. :) He’s so corny, yet funny and great company. Everyone was acting so weird though…they were all messing with my head. I hate when people whisper when other people are around. Eh, call me paranoid.

Campbells Chunky Soup is donating one can of soup to the needy for each person who votes for their favourite footfall team. So if you have a second, please go here and vote. You know you want to help a little needy person. :)

Song lyrics time…
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I cannot save you; I can't even save myself

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as f*cked as you

Please don't take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
If I must be lonely
I think I'd rather be alone...

she’s not breathing

Two Bday cakes and a Turkey! [27 Nov 2003|08:36pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | The Monkees - "Daydream Believer" ]

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. :)
*gobble gobble gobble*

What are y’all Thankful for? :)
Me? Soo much. So, I’ll just list a few.
Awesome family, house, food, water, health, friends, The Monkees…;)

Happy Birthday Bubba and Trev!
*sings Happy Bday song to y’all*

she’s not breathing

Because the night belongs to lovers [26 Nov 2003|03:23pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | 10000 Maniacs - "Because the Night" ]

I had the strangest dream last night, and now I can’t remember any of it. Darm, eh? Anyways, I’m in a rambleing mood so…BEWARE! I’m feeling better just in time for Turkey Day! Whee. Then I can eat and feel like I’m going to puke again. :-p Fun times, fun times. The market is super crowded, ahh! I think the market and malls and everywhere else should close down just for moi! That would be so awesome – having a whole mall to myself and some friends. I would be so totally GEEKED! Too bad it’s not going to happen any time soon. I rented some chick flicks to watch with muh girls later on today or whenever. Yay :) Yesterday I watched this perfect proposal show on TV. Mmm, cheesy, but adorable. I want a guy to care enough about me to do something huge when he asks me to marry him. I would so melt.

J: hehe you sound like a tomboy ;)

Me: Do I sound like a tomboy? X_x

Shanning: not really why?
Rob: uh no
Rav: Do you want to?
Krissy: noppers

So…what do –you- think? Hmpff

Wells, I’m off to Odessa malls to check in my Vans are there.

she’s not breathing

I'm bloody ill... [24 Nov 2003|12:57pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | The sound the roofers next door and my puppy barking... ]

Back from Dallas and now I’m bloody ill. Lost all three soccer games and I didn’t get to go shopping on Sunday since my little brother and I were both barfing. That means no
. :( See, they don’t have them here so I was going to buy them in Dallas but nooo…*grumbles* I did get to see my older bubba though. He’s not coming home for Thanksgiving, so, yeah. It’s almost Thanksgiving break. :)

Oh the drive up to Dallas I took a picture of my Mountain. I named her Mount WB. :)

And my name backwards, barely visible, on a freezer in a grocery store.

So, me mum thinks its food poisoning and not the flu. That means I’ll get better quicker, right? Eh. Oh woe is me.

she’s not breathing

Hold onto the ones who really care, in the end they'll be the only ones there. [20 Nov 2003|10:50pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Hanson - "MmmBop" (Whoohoo! Old school music!) ]

I’m a bad girl. I was put in ISS today for threatening someone (I told them “I’m going to kill you [if you don’t quit that]!”). It was basically a joke, to a friend, because they were annoying me. However, a teacher overheard me so, yay, I spent three periods in a cubical. It was fun, except they wouldn’t let me go to sleep. :(

Jordy (Jourdan, dream guy) is so addicting, I’m serious. He’s so easy to talk to. It’s so refreshing. He had lunch with us today, right before I got put into ISS. ;)

Me: *giggling at him*
Jordy: You know, you have a really beautiful smile.
Me: Aww! You’re too sweet.
Jordy: I’m serious, you should smile more often.
Me: I smile a lot…I don’t know what you’re on.
Jordy: Yeah, you smile, you just don’t…smile…
Me: Everything that smiles isn’t happiness, Jourdan.
Jordy: *leans closer to me and brushes the hair out of my face* I know how it feels…
Me: Do you really now?
Jordy: *locks his beautiful blue eyes on me* …How you just want to escape your feelings, your body, your mind, your life… *looks away* Yeah, I know.

she’s not breathing

I think I dreamed you into life. [19 Nov 2003|10:24pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Savage Garden - "Crash and Burn" ]

Our school got a transfer student last week, she’s in one of my classes but I haven’t had any free time to talk to her. Anyways, today I was hurrying to my class when I see her trip on the stairs, dropping her binder, papers flying everywhere. People continue rushing to class or standing in the way chatting to their friends while this girl tries to gather up all her papers, which are now being trampled on and ripped to shreds. The only people out of hundreds on that stairwell who stop to help her are myself and some guy I didn’t even recognize. I mean, would it kill people to help someone out? It would have made the whole process a lot faster if everyone either helped pick up the papers or at least cleared a pathway. And you should have seen the look on her face…*sighs* I want everyone to try to do something nice for at least one person tomorrow…

In more recent news, I was attacked by a pencil sharpener today and I found out my dream baby’s name (I also found out his SN, we’re having fun talking now, since we couldn’t talk that long at school.) His name is…*drum roll*…Jourdan :) He seems really sweet and he’s definitely funny.

This song (Crash and Burn by Savage Garden) is so awesome...Savage Garden writes awesome lyrics. Just look...
"When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone"

she’s not breathing

If the sun comes up tomorrow... [18 Nov 2003|06:21pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | Hootie and The Blowfish - "Let Her Cry" ]

eafyguyafyfyuabb!!! This is like the 5th time I'm updating this, because it wouldn't let me the past 4 times..if it doesn't update this time...rawr!

A couple towns near us has canceled schools due to this sickness going around – it’s like the flu, but worse. Hopefully our school will get canceled (Well, unless it means I can’t find out his name *I’ll explain in a bit*) I think I might be becoming sick, probably from Shannon…or the rest of the school, but I’m still in a good mood! *bounces around the room*

Have you ever had a dream that has left a feeling with you for the rest of the day?
That’s how it was for me today, well not so much the dream as déjà vu. You see, in these dreams, there is this guy who apparently I know (but in my real life conscious state I know I’ve never seen him before.)
Anyway, today I’m running an errand for my teacher when I see the guy from my dreams. I just stopped in the middle of the hallway and watched him walk by. I would have asked him his name but I was in such a shock words wouldn’t form. He probably thought I was crazy, but I know it was him. The way his hair falls in front of those eyes…oh, those eyes. They are the most unbelievable blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
I’m just wondering…will I ever see him again?
And if I do, is this my sign to move on…that I should move on and not go running back?
*sighs* Hopefully…hopefully some good will come out of this, right now I can use some good in my life…

Well, I need to head off to our band’s rehearsal. Not much of band if you don’t have a guitarist, eh?
*skips off*

she’s not breathing

If you stare at a wall long enough, everything goes away. (**Heather rocks**) [17 Nov 2003|09:41pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Switchfoot - "Learning to Breathe" ]

In high school I have learned…
Grades cause more stress than I have ever thought they could.
Relationships always end on bad terms and no matter how much you don’t want to, you always end up crying.
Making a scene in public is the only way to be cool. Fighting, ISS, Detention, AEP, Smoking, Drinking, Drugs – all adds up to how cool you are and how much respect you get.
I learned that nobody really cares about your opinions, so keep them to yourself. And I learned being an individual is highly frowned upon.

Today I learned that I’m nobody.

Then again, I knew that already.

1 watched her drown | she’s not breathing

If only you'd look at me and want to stay [16 Nov 2003|09:46pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | The Distillers - "Dismantle Me" ]

I just can’t give him up. I need him; he’s become part of me.
He's the only one who causes my heart to skip a beat. He’s not only beautiful on the outside, but beautiful on the inside too. He’s one of the sweetest guys I know. He’s wonderful.
So, why am I doing this to us? Isn’t it my fault? Of course it is.
We’ve been together for two years; most people have done it by then. Then again, I’m not I’m not like most people, or so I've been told (not sure if that is good though).
Could I be ruining the best thing I’ll ever have?
Sometimes I just need someone to be there. To tell me it’s okay to cry. Someone to just hold me.
I’ve been reading my Bible, thinking, and I just can’t come to a conclusion.

Either him or my morals, my faith…

So, what is it going to be?

What is it going to be?

she’s not breathing

I'll be your punkRaWk princess [15 Nov 2003|07:17pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Garbage - "Breaking up the Girl" ]

Pretty boring yet tiring day, not much to say.
Worked at Sonic for 6 hours, got 80-100 bucks so that’s always a plus. After that Cheryl and I went to Taco Bell and ran into ‘The Freaky Guy’. Can you say EEK? We did get free tacos though!
Freaky guy: “Do you have anything on under that?”
Me: “Uh…Yeah…”
Freaky guy: “Prove it.”
Cheryl: “Buy us tacos!”
Then we went on a walk/jog to try to burn off the taco fat. :-p I was going to take pictures on the digital camera while on the walk-wannabe-jog but lo and behold, the batteries were dead and we were already too far away from the house. Darm, eh? :(
Cheryl is probably going to come over later and I’m going put red streaks in her hair. Funfunfun! :) Then she’ll look like a wannbe-old school Christina Aguilera.

Speaking of Christina A…I don’t know why everyone gives her so much crap. I personally don’t care for her music, but she still seems like a really cool person. She dresses how she wants to dress and will do things even though I’m sure she knows she’ll get crap about it. Like her whole curly hair stage…Enough said! And anyways, she has a great body.

So, like I said before…not much to say. I’ll write a more interesting entry someday…whee!

she’s not breathing

Clueless much [15 Nov 2003|11:57am]
Heyheyhey, I got a blurty. Now if only I can figure out how to work it...
1 watched her drown | she’s not breathing

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