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kat

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when will this madness end . . [16 Feb 2004|09:35pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | bush_golden state ]

have you ever noticed that the older you get the more you come to realize the things around you? ive come to realize that in my search for myself i have lost me. hiding behind my books of poetry and old literature, and burying myself in notebooks, and canvases, and cameras and clay, i have returned yet again to self loathing. nothing in the world today is pure. none of it is real or naturally beautiful. its fulled with silicon inflated hollywood starlets , botox injected mothers, plastic trees, dead cow furniture, and lost beauties naked on tv screens. im starting to question whether my art and poetry means anything to anyone, whether it is worth my time. im starting to question a lot of things and many even too many. i know i must sound like a complete hippie for everything i just said but i cant help the way i feel. maybe i should just stop thinking . . .

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kill me quick [08 Feb 2004|06:42pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | midtown ]

ive been doing alot of thinking. i actually thought so much as i sat in front of my mirror on the floor of my room and i took a good look at myself and realized alot of things about myself. not just the stupid things like my makeup was too dark and my hair was messed up, but my insecurities, my personality, who i really am. i realized im scared, of my self and whats becoming of me. im afraid of what im doing, what im thinking, im afraid im going to turn into a junkie. im afraid im going to turn into a porcelian priss, and worry about how i look, and what people think about me, and if i have a boyfriend and stupid things the people i hang out with think of. i dont want to be like amanda or like elizabeth or melissa . i want to be me. ive been so absorbed in what everyone thinks is "cool" . i want to be able to admit thats ive made mistakes and ive experimented with drugs and that im proud of the fact that i dont like rap and im ghetto and im not prissy and boys arent the only things on my mind, and that im my own person and i think about things besides those of in my little self obsessed world, and that i paint, and i read alot and i like classic rock and grunge and im not a punk or a skater or even fit into a catagory at that. im retro, im classic, im artsy, im preppy-ish, im . . . me.im not anything more or anything less and im sick of lying to myself and doing things i hate. they say the first year of high school is when you find out who your real friends are, . . . well i guess its happening a little earlier than planned.

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the lizard king lives [06 Feb 2004|07:29pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | the doors ]

snow days are shibby are wet snow is no fun :(

"Lions in the street & roaming
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming
A beast caged in the heart of a city
The body of his mother
Rotting in the summer ground.
He fled the town.
He went down South
And crossed the border
Left the chaos & disorder
Back there
Over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel
W/a strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin. . . . . "

reading is fun.
the end.

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