Ryan's Journal

Thursday, October 21, 2004

12:43PM - Thoughts over the past few days

Maybe I should have wrote this last night when the passion was in me and the willingness to compose thoughts properly, but right now I just can’t get my brain into it. That always seems to be the case; in fact can you imagine just how many thoughts have been thrown down the drain because they weren’t written in the moment of passion and heat?

Watch any news program nowadays and you’ll discover that no matter how unbiased the network claims to be, each one has already chosen their side during this political year. It ‘s all in the guests they have on their shows or the anchors who they hire. If your views aren’t the same as the networks, chances are you will not have air time, therefore in order to have any sort of airtime one will have to bite their tongue and hold their choice words for the on air guest who’s views are that of the network. Come on, admit it, you know it’s true; you’ve thought it too while flipping through the news channels. If you are democrat you will watch CNN and if you are republican you’ll head over to FOX News. MTV is democrat; VH1 is republican, that’s just the way it goes.

But by chance I was watching MTV’s Choose or Loose last night about how there is a mandatory minimum sentencing for anyone who is caught selling or in the possession of drugs. Take for instance, 50grams of Coke= 10 years minimum, 70grams= 15 years minimum. I understand why that is the way it is with coke, cocaine kills, but marijuana, well that’s a whole other story… it has never officially been linked to any sort of deaths…except maybe driving while stoned, but I’m not real sure about that either.

If you are going to have a minimum mandatory sentencing law it should also be applied towards celebrities, not just the average Joe who is trying to make a living for either himself or his family… or just the average Joe who wants to get wasted and stoned. The court system is so asinine that it frustrates me, you don’t need to fix the mandatory minimum law, and you just need to properly apply it, TO EVERYONE! I personally don’t believe that our court system is something that would have made the former four fathers proud of us, this is not the direction that they would have wanted for our court system, everyone should be considered equal, not just those who cannot afford to pay their way out of being held accountable for their actions, but also those who can pay for their freedom to receive a slap on the wrist.

Here is another story that pisses me off; the court systems are so f-ed up today that it just gets to me. While watching 20/20 sometime last week they reported on incidents where young girls were rapped by the coaches in their lives. For instance: a young girl of 13 was in her Tykwando class when her instructor put his hand down her shirt and pinched her nipple, about two weeks later he rapped her in a stairwell. The man only received three years for it, and the young girl hadn’t been his only victim. Another case involved a girl who while in her freshman year of high school her basketball coach rapped her, and as always he had other victims. He was only brought up on assault charges unfortunately and received six months.

Tennis coaches, gymnastic instructors, any one left in a high figure position will more than likely take advantage of their position. Anyone ever seen the movie Donnie Darko? A twenty-two year old college student told her story of when she was thirteen and away at Nationals with her gymnastics team, sixteen hours away from home and her instructor came into her room and rapped her. She says that still to this very day she has never had her real first kiss or even had a boyfriend. That man only received three years as well I believe. Rapists do not receive a sentence fit for the crimes that they have committed, they have stolen away pieces of people and they don’t care because to them, the person is simply an object. The rapist normally only receives one to three years of jail time, that is not at all right.

The severity of the crime is almost always forgotten and these people get off almost scot-free whereas if a thief brakes into someone’s home in the state of California and the owner of the home injures the burglar the homeowner is forced to pay the bugler. Does that seem fair? I truly believe that our court system is very messed up! And something needs to be done about it!

Here is another thing, maybe I am just a little too wound tight today, but whatever, I’m still going to express my thoughts on this subject at hand as well. 20/20 also reported about Arabic royalty and how their countries and people live in poverty while they take tropical vacations, ignoring the ever-growing sadness around them. They also have invested and made a lot of money from the stocks that they own in American companies, maybe I’m wrong for wanting to put standards on this, but whatever, it’s my opinion. I believe that they should not be allowed to invest in our stock exchange if they are going to force so many of their people to live in poor conditions. Then again some would look at it and say, well we have several Americans who are rich off of the stock exchange and yet their fellow people are also living in a low-income bracket, but here is the truth of the matter. The rich neighbors are not responsible for their poor neighbors, sure it would be nice if everyone looked after one another as though we all lived in a utopia, but that’s not how it is. So if you rule a country you should look after your people as though they were an extension of your family, and if you cannot do so, well then you should not be afforded the luxury of living as comfortably as you do.


Ps-. Marissa and Sarah,
I hope you two are okay, you haven't updated in nearly forever.

Current mood: contemplative
(1 Daydream | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Sunday, October 10, 2004

8:53AM - Forget the coffee for breakfast I'll have a political conversation instead

I couldn't resist, I loved this conversation so much that I had with Stacey that I just had to post it. Besides, I didn't feel like sitting down and actually writing out an anti-Kerry post in my journal because I'm lazy like that (and sometimes I forget everything I detest about the man when I'm not in a heated passion when speaking politically), so this works just the same.

ME: hey stacey. What's up? Long time no see

ME: how's everything?

STACEY: hey!! i'm just chillin online even though i should be sleeping haha. how are you??

ME: i'm good, though i think with the slight temp change into fall (in the lower 80s or upper 70s in the morning and 90s in the afternoon) i think i've got somethin a brewin cause i've got a runny nose. plus i've got some ant bites on my feet from yesterday as well. lol. it's so strange that i would happened to find you online at this hour cause just yesterday i was talking to Rosie saying how i never saw you anymore and missed you.

STACEY: aww hehe yeah i was bored last night so i came to my parents house...just haven't been to bed yet. I know how you feel with then allergies thing. its even frosted over and they are still bugging me! OH I PMedyou my number in greatest journal so if you ever feel like a chat you can call anytime. rosie gave me yours too so i can call ya sometime!

ME: yeah, i saw the PM, thank you so much, and i might just take you up on that offer too cause i've got nothing else to do today... well aside from cleaning and laundry, but ya know. i decided to take a break from cleaning Johnny's parent's home for money since i really can't do much till they rip up the old flooring and put down a new one (water damage from the hurricanes and damage from over the years with pets), so decided to stay here and clean the apartment instead. lol. and thank you so much for the comment to my journal, it's very sweet. hardly anyone ever comments on my journal, so thank you...and thank you for your kind words. i love that you were able to tell all of the kiddies that you were a princess when you were little. i just always told them i was a princess because my mommy said i was. lol. of course they told me to be quiet because i wasn't really a princess, but oh well. lol.

STACEY: no damnit you're a princess if you believe you're one and no problem i meant all of that!! and if i had more net access i'd be commenting all of the time! Oh and i think that you and maranda are my soul sisters because i am the biggest republican conservative pro bush iowan you'll ever see!

ME: YAY! GO BUSH! :D oh yeah, bush totally rocks, i mean Kerry... the man just gripes me and i can't stand him, he looks like a giraffe and personally, i trust ol' curious george more. Michael Moore is dumbass #1 and Kerry, he's dumbass #2... together they will leave the world in shambles, and if Kerry wins... well i might just have to move to Australia or something... or Hawaii (i prefer Hawaii, sure it's still a state in the US but it's so separate that you barely hear anything about it, like no candidates visit there because they are so worried about the homeland.)

STACEY: i know! i was watching the debate the other night yelling obscenities at the TV when Kerry was speaking, and cheering bush when he was speaking and i realized "holy crap, i've turned into my dad!" but tats ok, because my dad's got good taste in candidates too. kerry doesn't know what the hell he supports, it just matters what kind of voters he needs for the week...

ME: exactly! me too, i huff and i puff and i go off on Kerry and clap and cheer president bush, and i make other statements that support the proven fact of why he's right and Kerry's wrong. plus, have ya noticed that dumbass #2 never explains himself, that's why i put that political comic in my journal. seriously, where is he going to get the 900 billion dollars that he so frequently speaks of if he doesn't increases taxes. oh and here's another thing, the moron voted against funding the war in Iraq and now he has the nerve to say how he's seen parent's buying their children body armor and sending it to them over there. FUCK HIM! and here's another thing, if you do not have proper funding like Bush has, backing the military you will be forced into reinstating the draft. (more)


ME: Bush will not be the one to reinstate the draft, dumbass Kerry will be because the man doesn't even want to fund the military, democrats are the reason for the downsize in the military back in 92 when my dad got an honorable discharge because they cut military funding and downsized, so now when they went off to war, guess what... most of their bomb technicians were gone (that's what my dad was.) and wouldn't they have been helpful when fighting this war? so here's the thing, Kerry cuts military spending, therefore the men who are over there... well they will be sent back home, but who will go over to replace them? oh wait, there is nobody because you don't have funding to pay the people. so the draft will be reinstated. (more)

ME: and Bush, sure, the men and women over in Iraq and Afghanistan are serving double duty, but at least they are getting paid, cause if they weren't, they'd be home by now.

ME: like Bush says, look at the facts, look at his track record.

ME: see, me and maranda are so strong for Bush because we both grew up in military homes, her mom was in the military and my dad was

STACEY: exactly thats so true! oh man you have no idea how much i love this! some of my friends around here are so dumb and try and fight me on it but i always win, but still the tension sucks

STACEY: thats cool!

ME: yeah, exactly... i mean thankfully everyone i talk to is a big time bush supporter (the only people i talk to are my friends online), but if i talk to my grandparents i get the old and tired democratic argument about how Bush is ill tempered and flies off the handle, especially about war. but ya know, this war has been going on long before Bush took office, it was all political back when Clinton was in office, back when Bush SR was in office as well. but the thing is, Bush JR, he had the balls to get out there and fight for our country. Kerry, what's that man gonna go, send our troops to war and then kick his own ass for doing so, protesting himself in his speeches? (more)

ME: oh and then there is the whole issue of partial birth abortion, cause ya know what...that takes place when a baby is six and a half months, and the thing is, my twin brother, Howard and i were born at six and a half months, so to tell me that the baby is not really a living thing, well that's shitty too because my brother and i sure were living things at six and a half months... given we barely weighed over a pound, and some of our organs were still very fragile and under developed at the time, but ya know what... two months in an incubator and we were good as new.

STACEY: that's so true!

ME: the man just irks me

STACEY: me too...i just think that his plan about getting these countries to join and help us in our war is BS. How is he going to make them join us? France and Germany got paid money from the foreign oil companies not to help us, what makes him so sure he can get their support. that always makes me mad

STACEY: hun i have to go, i need some sleep, i have to work overnights tonight but i cant keep myself awake any longer

STACEY: if you want to chat later in the afternoon go ahead and give me a call

ME: oh i know, and then he wants to sit down and private conversations with these countries, they are going to do the same exact thing that they did when Clinton was in office, they are going to turn their backs on him. have you noticed how he always pushes the fact that he was in Vietnam like he's trying to sell a book? to me it seems as though he only ever went to war because it would look good on his record. in my opinion you don't have to be in the game to have the biggest heart for the home team if you know what i mean. and then for Kerry to say, "we need to make an example" by destroying our nuclear weapons, that's crazy, that's like leaving the front door wide open while you are out of town. people are going to come in and terrorize you and your household. he is insane, to do such a thing would leave us open to bombings without having a way of defending ourselves.

ME: okay, well it was good talking to you Stac, sleep well and i'll ttyl.. .bye.

STACEY: godnight! it was soo good talking to you after what seems like forever! call me anytime, i'm serious! love ya!

STACEY signed off at 7:37:10 AM.

Current mood: contemplative
(1 Daydream | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

12:29PM - A Collection of Entries

(02 Oct 2004)
All the things money can buy

It is said that money can’t buy happiness, but it sure does help you get through life pretty easily, that’s a guarantee. Or at least it seems to be that way, the realization hit me today while Johnny and I were discussing the required income for those who live here in Waterford Point Apartments here in Orlando, the requirement income is a maximum of $24,000 a year. Think about that, college students living here, those who make $6.00 an hour (if both parents work), or $10-13.00 (if only one parent works.) My parents are living with the same low-income rate that college students live on, they always have, unfortunately, growing up I never thought that we were that poor, I just always thought that we were the lowest of low in the middle class scaling system. Johnny has informed me though that what I thought is not true, my parents because they make $21,000 - $23,000 a year together which is considered the lower class.

I guess the saying is true, “you never know you’re poor till someone tells you.” It’s all how you perceive your life in comparison to those around you, taking for instance my Mom, she had a far worse life than Howard or I were ever forced to live. She and Dad made sure that we always had a Christmas or birthday, there was never a time when we did not have new clothes (sure they were from Wal-Mart or K-Mart, or as we got older, JC Penny or Sears, but still…), and we always had them with us (they never once left us like Mom’s parents did in an orphanage), and we also always had a nice, dry, safe place to live… even if it was a trailer, at least it was better than the streets.

Johnny’s parents make together thirteen times that of what my parents make in a year. Goes to show you that a good education is worth the debt you live with for a while because it secures your security in life that you will most likely be able to properly provide for your family.

There is so much that I would love to be able to buy for Johnny because that’s just the way that it works when you love someone, you want to be able to provide them with the best of things possible and imaginable, unfortunately right now I just cannot afford that. I would also love to be able to do the same for my parents because they of all people deserve the best that life has to offer and can provide. Someday though I will be able to make that dream possible.

Surfer Girl

On a happier note, Johnny said to me just a moment ago that he is happy that I’m a surfer girl because it means that we can share another beautiful thing together that is not only very spiritual and easy to bond over it is also very fun. I want to surf; I want to learn to surf more often. To me it’s just one of those things on my ‘To Do’ list before I die, along with learn to rock climb and sky dive, those are the three things that I have wanted to do since I was nine years old. When you are sitting on the beach watching others around you having the best time of their lives in the water, one with nature, and God it’s just a very powerful and beautiful thing that is so inspiring and makes you want to do it all the more.

“The best surfer is the one having the most fun.”

By the time we move out of this apartment here in Orlando, closer to the beach Johnny is going to get me an 8’ 0” long board, something that will be more fitting for my body frame and height. I of course am totally stoked about that one.

“Oh make me over…”

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be beautiful, like beautiful by the world’s standards and in the eyes of others outside of Johnny and my family. I wonder what it’s like to be model beautiful… like Katie Holmes or Gwen Stefani. No one has ever walked up to me and said, “You’re beautiful” outside of Johnny and my Mom. So I wonder what glamour feels like, I wonder what confidence in your beauty and confidence in which you are as a person, and I wonder what all of that feels like. I wonder what being a princess must feel like. The little girl in me ponders what it must be like to be in a beautiful dress, feel like a princess, and have others take notice of you, not just those who love you…but to stun your worst critics… to stun yourself. I’ve only ever worn make-up once in my life and that was to my senior prom where I felt like I did not belong, let alone wish to be since I was alone and watched my couplely friends dance with the ones that they love.

Yet as much as I wonder what it would be like to feel beautiful and secure in that beauty, in who you are, a part of me still feels as though I would not fit into the façade that I would ultimately be portraying when I were in that situation. That the dress and make-up would be wiped clean later that night and the truth would be revealed, sort of like in Cinderella, she could dress up and play royalty for a bit, but by midnight the meager reality of her beauty and lifestyle was revealed.

I think this is why I choose not to attend gallery showings or fancy things like that when invited by Johnny's family, prefer not to eat out at fancy restaurants that require reservations for I would feel out of place and simply want to hide under the table till I could sneak out through the kitchens backdoor. Almost afraid that the truth would be revealed that I were a fraud, lying about something that I will never be…I doubt that I will ever feel comfortable around those who boast about the riches that they have acquired over the course of time. Plus, I do not own beautiful articles of clothing; I do not own high heels, or anything that could be viewed as "dressy", so once again, I'd be out of place.

I have many flaws and insecurities, another is that of dance, I fear that the day of my wedding someday that I may choke and freeze up internally…ruining the day for Johnny and others around myself. All because I do not know how to dance, therefore I lock up and refuse to for fear that I might embarrass myself or those who are associated with me even more so than I already do…which is why I only slow dance.

I’m sleepy, so I’m heading to bed. Night.


(04 Oct 2004)
Life Saving and Inspirational Unknowingly

My friend Rosie told me today that I have inspired her, that when she meets a guy she wants him to be someone who will be good, kind, loving, and understanding of her wanting to wait till marriage to have sex. She’s had sex before but this time she wants to wait, she’s tired of giving herself away to people who really don't deserve. Rosie also wants to go back to college and possibly become a high school English teacher, which is wonderful; she would make a great English teacher because she is so intelligent and inspirational herself.

My Mom also told me that I have inspired her, that I simply an inspiration person. She also got the Internet today, which is awesome because now I can e-mail her.

Johnny told me today one of the most powerful things that I believe that I have ever heard anyone in life say (aside from Jesus), he told me that if he hadn’t meant me that he would have probably joined the military because before he met me he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with his life or what direction to even take it in. Talk about amazing, cause he would probably be over in Iraq or Afghanistan right now if we hadn’t met, which means that there is a higher chance that he would be dead or wounded because that’s just the way war goes. Now that is a beautiful sign from God… he had plans for Johnny, plans beyond the military and that of war…so beautiful. Johnny’s an inspirational man of God who will do so much for the world around him, and maybe the world as a whole. I just know it.


(06 Oct 2004)
Early Morning Entry.

Johnny’s frustrated about his humanities homework, he’s supposed to answer questions where you cannot even find the information needed to answer them, and if you find a web page that offers some advice, well the f-ing moron who created the page is so deprived of being viewed as an intellectual that they must use big words (lots of them too) in every sentence to validate that they are of the intellectual pedigree.

We went to the gym earlier today (during the Vice Presidential debates) and worked out, I’m going to follow Johnny’s lead on working out because I guess he knows more than I do when it comes to working out and staying healthy. Like maybe by not using the machine where you push a bunch of weights with your legs is a good thing, that way you aren’t beefing up your legs and they wind up looking like some guy’s neck. I don’t know, it’s 4 in the morning.

Maranda called me at like 1:30AM and we talked for like an hour and a half, turns out she’s headed along with several other republicans to the next presidential debate on the 8th. The trip is sponsored by the RNC (Republican National Convention). She said she just had to tell me because she knew I’d appreciate such good news, makes me wish now that I lived in Arkansas with her, that way I could go cause boy would that be the best thing of the year! Turns out we also have a lot more in common than just the simple fact that we are both republicans and are absolutely in love. Pretty cool stuff too.

I’m still in search of someone to play a character PB Ryan Cabrera so that he and my character in MO can be best friends but are from rival families. I think it would just so much fun, sure it may not be very creative on my behalf, but ya know what…I just don’t’ care because plain and simple, it’ll be fun. And sometimes, that’s all that matters.

Pretty soon Johnny and I need to do some apartment hunting because come January Waterford Point will be asking us if we would like to renew the contract on the apartment, but we don't want to because Stef is going off to Grad school and we want our own place.


So friggin awesome!

Current mood: blank
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

11:23AM - Quiz

You're an Autum. You're much more laid back then
most and you're very comfortable in new
situations. You rather let things go with the
flow than try to change them. You have a lot of
close friends who love you because you can help
them with their problems. You're a very patient
person and it take a lot to get you rattled.
You're deffinately a lover not a hater.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

That's pretty fitting.

Current mood: calm
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Monday, May 17, 2004

2:11PM - A Dream That Might Have Been A Nightmare

I had a truly odd dream last night, oh if I could simply paint a picture to be seen on this digital page you all would understand just what I saw and maybe then there would be some sense made of it all. Instead I guess I'll try my best, if nothing comes of this entry then I'll be content in simply knowing that I wrote it down from my memories so that later in life when I look back maybe I'll be able to make some sense of it and clarity will reflect from the mirror of my mind.

I was at a water theme park, I'm not sure where (or even if I was the girl in my dream, but I was certainly feeling it all), for some reason I had a teddy bear with me and I handed it to someone, either my boyfriend or some old lady with snow white hair that I was friends with. When whatever ride we were on ended I stood there with the teddy bear in my hands watching another ride that was shooting people upwards and in a half circle from the water that they sat in while attached to a bungee of some kind.

Suddenly walls built up around me and I was alone, the teddy bear was gone and everyone that I had been with was gone and it was just me, facing a crimson red door inside of a room with no windows, just four walls and one door, all of which were painted in the familiar scarlet that lay before me on the door. Though the room had no windows and no visible light fixtures light shown from somewhere, just enough so that I could see before me and the color of the room, the tarnish of the wall that probably caused a once bright crimson tone to be a dreary and darkened smear to cover the walls.

A woman steps through the door that I had been staring at for some time, she's a thin woman with a face that now in my wakened state I cannot recall, but her attire was of an older time, something out of a western I suppose. Her dress was white and had lace and tiny flowers of a color that cannot be recalled, she wore lace gloves. She looked me over, encircling me and stepping around me towards a new door that had suddenly appeared, she flung the door open and removed her gloves, washing her hands.

A man walks through the first door, he's thin as well. A black mustache rests on his upper lip and his cheek bones are prominent. He wears a hat and is dressed in a western fashion as well, burgundy colored slacks, vest, hat, jacket, white shirt, black shoes, cufflinks, and white gloves that rest in his coat pocket. He's of average height, taller than me, but eye level with the woman who washes her hands in the bathroom. He says something to me and it doesn't feel right so I leave for the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I say something to the woman and she continues to wash her hands, saying something like "we did that to him." Referring to her and the man who has suddenly appeared in the restroom with us, but the door was never opened. They must be talking about Jesus, they must have crucified him. I look to the man, he smirks, and he's the devil and the woman.... I don't know who she is, but she helped him in bringing a following together to crucify Jesus, they were probably there in the minds of the men who paid Judas in selling out the Lord, and in the minds of those who gave Jesus win to drink when he asked for water....they were evil then and still are evil.

I run out of the bathroom, out of the scarlet room, through a hallway, through doors, past doors, towards a light. The devil laughs, I can hear him, and he's mocking me, "go on, and find the light," he says. I keep running until I come to giant windows, I climb up and stand on the window sills, a green pasture lay out before me. I can't see a face, but I see hear a voice and giant hands holding two goblets, both of gold. In one cup there is a water substance that sways and causes a beautiful affect of the gold that can be seen through it at the bottom of the cup, like waves of shards of topaz. In the other cup there is a black substance, almost the color of coal, but it's not a liquid (I'm not even sure if the first cup held a liquid either); it looks to be more of pebbles, perfectly shaped. And the voice holding the cups says something to me. I turn behind me as I hear the devil step into the room; he says something to me as well. But the whole situation just seems unsettling. I'm not even sure if the hands before me holding the cups are God's hands or just merely another trick of the devil, the voice says something more, I watch the cups and glance towards the pasture. And I kept thinking "fuck you. You can't have me because when I was little my Mom told me that I was God's child."

That's when I wake from my dream.

...Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain...

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: Bob Dylan- Not Dark Yet
(Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

1:31PM - Searching for Ryan

1. Enter your first name only into Google.
2. Then click the "Images" tab.
3. Pick your favorite 5 and post them in your journal.
4. Write the LJ(GJ/blurty) name of the person you stole this from.


Current mood: amused
Current music: Bob Dylan- Tangled Up In Blue
(2 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Sunday, March 28, 2004

9:01AM - Piss and Moan People

Okay, this is inregards to the comment that was placed on my journal about my game of MASH.

Why the hell do you waste your time commenting if its simply going to be negative? In fact why do you even bother to read my journal if you have such a problem with what I have to say? I'm sorry that you are unhappy, but that's not my fault. It's my journal and I have all right to say what I want about anyone that I want to, even if it pisses people off, it's still gonna be my journal. And another thing, why is that as soon as someone is happy in a relationship people piss and moan because it's not them? Why can't they just simply be happy for the person? I was for my friends, so why is it so wrong to expect it from others? And I'll state it once more, this is my journal and I have all right to say what I want in here, I'm not asking anyone to read it if they don't want to. So whoever keeps commenting annoymously, either shut the hell up or stop reading my journal.


Current mood: pissed off
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Friday, March 26, 2004


Ya know what, I'm really board with my layout or lack thereof on my journal, the background has gotten really old looking to me, too much of the same old thing. Ick! It's like if you wear the same old clothes f-o-r-e-v-e-r, they become really plain and boring to you... and so you just want a new look. And this is coming from someone who doesn't shop at all really, Johnny has to drag me out shopping, even though I love clothes, I hate the cost.

Anyway, like I said, I need a new layout but I haven't decided just what yet. Anyone good at making layouts? If so, I'm accepting applications.

Current mood: bored
(3 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

6:36PM - I play MASH

I took Jenna's advice and played MASH online for once, normally I just play it the old fashioned way, but technology is a great thing when your favorite number is 378. LOL.

You will live in Apartment.
You will drive a blue Classic Mustang.
You will marry Johnny and have 1 kids.
You will be a photographer in Hawaii.

I really did want to live in a house and have more than one kid, but hey, it's Hawaii and with Johnny so I'm happy and I'm a photographer, so it's cool.

PS- did anyone watch Averago Joe this past monday?

Current mood: amused
Current music: The Black Crows- She Talks To Angels
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

1:19PM - Wasting time

Well here I am, wasting time before I have to leave for orientation at my new job. Hopefully it's still not raining or else I'll be walking in the rain, thankfully I have my jacket that has a hood, but still, to walk to a job in the rain isn't too pleasing for first impressions or business I'm sure. Johnny's at school right now, I wish I were in school, I miss learning through text books, so instead I read, and I learn through him, what he learns and what not...tagging along on his fieldwork assignments, things like that. He's so sweet though, he called me this morning in between classes just because he wanted to say that he loved me and that he was thinking about me. So now as usual I'm thinking about him. It's weird how someone can make you smile even when they aren't trying, even when they are miles away from you, but still you smile because they are in your heart and in your thoughts. Okay, so my feet are going to sleep, Terra Felicia (we got a kitty cat; she's all black and has green eyes. I'll post pictures later) is lying on my lap and my legs are folding underneath me, she's laying on me and my feet are going to sleep. Well I'm going to brush my teeth now and then afterwards probably waste another fifteen minutes or so and then leave.


Current mood: nerdy
(Switch Off Into A Daydream)

12:30PM - Jumping on the bandwagon, thanks Jenna for the survey

1. I _____ Ryan.
2. Ryan is ____.
3. Ryan needs _____.
4. I want to ____ Ryan.
5. Ryan can ____ my ____.
6. Someday Ryan will _____.
7. Ryan reminds me of _____.
8. Without Ryan _____.
9. Ryan can be _____.
10. Meeting Ryan was _____.
11. Worst thing about Ryan is ______.
12. Best thing about Ryan is _____.
13. I am _____ Ryan.
14. I think Ryan should _______.

Current mood: nervous
(4 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Monday, March 1, 2004

5:22PM - I take other people's quizes and write random thoughts

Can't be on here long, but I wanted to post this to see what you guys think and also just to have it in here for safe keeping.

What I Wish For You and Me

And we'll paint the walls of our memories
As though they were a canvas displaying our lives,
With quite nights in each other's tender embrace,
Soft kisses that meant more than passionate caressing,
And smile lines that are like ripples of the ocean.

Laughter to fill our ears,
Loving words that never fade,
And stolen glances that say 'I love you'
More than words ever could.

This and much more is what I wish for you and me.

~Ryan (February 29th, 2003 @ 7:00pm)



What shoe are you? Seven different outcomes!
brought to you by Quizilla

Sweet, I love sandals, but most of all going barefoot. Actually I think this is one of the truest of me quizes that I've ever taken, except maybe that whole outgoing thing.

Current mood: okay
Current music: Idium- Pastlife
(3 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Friday, February 13, 2004

7:12PM - And I also made these icons

I randomly decided to make yesterday while looking around www.art.com

Current mood: amused
(3 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Sunday, January 25, 2004

2:32AM - Survey Says...

(I've still gotta get this damn clock/date fixed on my journal, I don't know how it could have possibly messed up like this...it just started this year.)

First job: Cleaning homes with my Mom ($25 per home, sometimes $50, depending upon the home and we could normally get through 3 in one day)
First screen name: Lovinhanson3
First self-purchased album: Hanson- "Middle of Nowhere"
First funeral: My Uncle Ricky
First pets: A Lossoopso named Baby Zion (we nicknamed him Bay bay)
First piercing: Ears (I was 2)
First big trip: Move to San Antonio, TX (I was a month old)
Last big car ride: Trip to Myrtle Beach, SC to see Johnny
Last kiss: Johnny (just this morning)
Last good cry: The trip home from Myrtle Beach (though I told myself not to cry, I couldn't help it...I hated leaving Johnny)
Last movie seen: If we are talking theater then "The Butterfly Affect", if we are talking at home, "Fight Club"
Last beverage drank: V8 Splash (tropical blend)
Last food consumed: Ego Waffles
Last phone call: Mom
Last TV show watched: Modern Marvels on the History Channel
Last shoes worn: My cheap bowling shoes from Payless (got em for 7 bucks)
Last CD played: The Velvet Teen: " + - = " and "Out of the Fierce Parade"
Last item bought: "Thicker Than Water" Soundtrack and a giant jawbreaker
Last disappointment: Sometimes I want to say myself
Last soda drank: Barg's Root beer
Last ice cream eaten: Blue Bell Mint Chocolate Chip
Last shirt worn: My Pink Panther Shirt


**Have You Ever?**
*. RAN AWAY? I tried to when I was younger
*. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN? I thought so at the time, but now that I look back on it I realize that I didn't really know them, therefore I couldn't possibly have loved the way I wanted to, so how could my heart have been broken.
*. CRIED IN SCHOOL? yeah, when I was younger and then again in Senior year because my government honors teacher made me feel stupid more than anyone ever has in my life.

::This or That::
*. COKE OR PEPSI? pepsi (though all in all I'm not a big soda fan, I stopped drinking soda a while back)
*. SPRITE OR 7UP? sprit remix (though all in all I'm not a big soda fan, I stopped drinking soda a while back)
*. QUIET OR LOUD? both
*. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? depends on the person. I personally like blonde guys and brunettes for captivating photography (if that makes any sense, maybe I just identify with brunettes because I am one)
*. BITCHY OR SLUTTY? neither
*. TALL OR SHORT? average for girls, tall for guys
*. JEANS OR SHORTS? both. I love my jeans, but in the summer (especially here in Florida), shorts.... definitely shorts.

*..::The Last Time You::..*
*. SHOWERED? last night before bed
*. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? last night with Johnny, we ate pizza at 2am and talked about anything and everything.

?...::What Is::...?
*. PERSON YOU HATE MOST? no one, it's wrong to hate
*. LUCKY NUMBERS? 378 (you can guess why if you know me well enough)

::?::What is your favorite..?::
*. COLOR? black, blue (varying shades), whine red, and purple (varying shades)
*. MOVIE? "life as a house", "American beauty", "thicker than water", "endless summer 2", "a walk to remember", "the pact", "big fish", "the hot chick", "the butterfly affect", 10 things I hate about you", "Amelie", "run Lola run" , and "donnie darko."
*. BOOK? 1984 by George Orwell, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, The Martian Chronicles by Bradbury, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, Life of Pi by Yann Martel, The Lost Writings of Jim Morrison: Poems and diaries of the rock 'n' roll legend- Wilderness Volume 1, The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff, To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee, The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom, and White Fluffy Clouds by Brandon Boyd
*. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? all through school it was English and history.
*. CARS? vintage mustangs, 50's-60s style cars, and the Prowler
*. ICE CREAM? vanilla bean, strawberry, or anything with White Chocolate/Dark Chocolate hunks and then of course you have to throw in double stuffed Oreos to the mix...that right there is a tasty meal.
*. HOLIDAY? Christmas
*. SEASON? summer
*. BREAKFAST FOOD? it's a toss up between pancakes with gravy and fried potatoes or 2 egg omelet with ham and cheese, side of bacon/fried potatoes with gravy overtop of it all (to me, gravy is it's own food group)

*. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST? Johnny or my Mom
*. MAKES YOU SMILE? Johnny (like no other), my Mom and my Dad
*. WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU? Does Johnny count?

*?::Do You Ever::?*
*. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS? yeah, if they mean something to me
*. SAVE E-MAILS? all of the time

\*\::...Have You...::\*\
*. BEEN IN LOVE? I am now
*. BEEN IN LUST? no, strong fondness for the person but no...not lust.
*. USED SOMEONE? no not intentionally, I wouldn't dare
*. BEEN USED? yeah, numerous times
*. CHEATED ON SOMEONE? nope, Johnny is the only guy I've ever dated
*. DONE SOMETHING YOU REGRET? Everyone regrets something in life

...::Who was the last person::...
*. YOU TOUCHED? Johnny (both emotionally and physically)
*. YOU TALKED TO? my Mom (on the phone)
*. YOU HUGGED? Johnny (this morning)
*. YOU IM'ed? Rosie and Sami
*. WHO BROKE YOUR HEART? No one, because technically I didn't know him well enough to love him like I wanted to.

*..::Do you::..*
*. COLOR YOUR HAIR? have in the past because I wanted to get rid of my highlights and just let my hair go natural, so I dyed it the color of my natural hair color (dark chestnut), now I'm just letting it grow out.
*. EVER GET OFF THIS DAMN COMPUTER? only when it's needed by other, I have other things to do, or when Johnny is home.

Current mood: bored
Current music: Elliot Smith
(Switch Off Into A Daydream)

2:08AM - Just as when I am in your arms

((I seriously have to fix the dates on my entries, they are so screwed up for some reason. Damn blurty.))

Slow birds, no breeze
Iron hearts, rustin' streams
Long march, small crimes
Soft words whisper
Its time to come home
Your eyes
To bring back your charms
To sit real still
In my arms
Clocks tick, trees pound
Lions roar on empty streets
Long lists in black and white
Red words that read like
The forth of july
You're home, look at me,
You're home, uh huh,
You're home
In my arms

Just as the song says, "you're home in my arms." And that is true for me when I am in your arms. You mean the world to me and I'll love you for always and that's a promise. There aren't words beyond those that you've already heard, so all that I can say is, I love you, I love you, I love you, and I love you.


Current mood: loved
Current music: Jeff Buckley- In My Arms
(Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Sunday, January 11, 2004

8:03PM - Quizes

You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)

A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Actually I do like Good Charlotte, but that's cool.

Babie's laughter: Warm, kind and loving; a baby's
laugh represents you. You are very innocent and
enjoy the simple things in life. You are
probably very good with children and have a
positive, happy soul. (please rate my quiz)

What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Cool, but not for a very long while.

Current mood: bored
Current music: Jason Mraz- Sing Glory
(1 Daydream | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Thursday, January 8, 2004

5:30PM - Be What You Want Me To Be- conversation between me and Linds

Now given, normally I try to steer clear of posting my online conversations in my journals, but this one just needed to be posted because it holds a lot of truth and it helped me a lot today. So thank you Linds, you truly are a blessing to this world.

ME: Wanna continue with our Ev and Lara post if it still works according to the time in the RPG?
LINDAY: They changed the time, but I'm sure we can use it still
ME: What time is it now?
LINDSAY: I don't know, it's Thursday though
ME: Hmm...well do you want to start a new one?
LINDSAY: It doesn't matter to me. Whatever you want to do is cool.
ME: I don't know, I'm just bored
ME: Hmm...
LINDSAY: Sorry, lol, I'm reading about colleges
ME: its okay, I'm looking at photography
LINDSAY: My friend Krystal is going to die at college
LINDSAY: She needs SO much individual help
ME: really? How so?
LINDSAY: Well, like, in math she needs every little tiny step of the problems explained to her.
ME: :-\ That's sad, I've known people like that before. Lord knows how much I want to be in school right now
LINDSAY: My mom wants me to apply to College Park too
LINDSAY: I'm not really sure if I want to
LINDSAY: It's so big
LINDSAY: She just wants me to stay home for college I think
ME: Yeah, that's a mother for you. But hey, in the end it's your life and you're the only one who can live it. So sometimes you've just gotta say 'mom, I love you. But I need this for me, I need this time to grow and see if I can make it in the world, this is just a stepping stone that will lead to the inevitable, my becoming a self sufficient individual.'
LINDSAY: Yes, that's nice and all, but she's going to be the one paying for my college education, so I kind of feel like she has some kind of say in where I go. Lol
ME: But which school is better for you, for the career field that you will later enter into?
LINDSAY: Well, they both have what I want to study
ME:: :-\ Which is more to attend? What are the financial advantages and disadvantages?
LINDSAY: Well, College Park is much cheaper. I'll get in state tuition. I might get scholarships there too.
LINDSAY: I don't know why I even bother listening to what other people say. No matter where I go I'll get grief about it.
ME: Yup, that's the truth no matter what you do in life and where you go in life, you'll always have others nagging at you for whatever reason. No matter what you can't make everyone happy in life, no matter how hard you try. And the truth behind it all is, that most of the time you wind up sacrificing your own happiness in order to provide the security of other people's own happiness. Eventually that will all become way too clear and you'll want to tell the world to f-off and let you be who you want to be, where you want to be, and with whom you want to be with.. Cause it's your life and you've had enough sacrificing for more than one day.
ME: Sorry about all that, if it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure where it came from or what mood I'm in exactly, but I'm just rambling. More or less I believe to extract my own emotions and project them into something rather than sit here and deal with them, trying to sort through them and my own self worth. Ya know
LINDSAY: You're right. I don't want to go to College Park, I want to go to Missouri. I know it's more expensive, but I don't expect my parents to pay for everything. I'm more than willing to take on student loans, I'm more than willing to get a job this summer, and I'm more than willing to apply for more scholarships. That is where I want to go, and that is where I am going to go.
ME: Good for you.
LINDSAY: I want to LEAVE College Park, Maryland. I don't want to go to college in College Park, Maryland where I will end up staying in College Park, Maryland with all the other kids I know, and end up living in College Park, Maryland for the rest of my life!
ME: And sometimes in life we have to struggle on our own, but sometimes it's to prove that we're still alive and living rather than just existing. That's why I got out of Virginia... that's why I got away from my family. Given I'm still jobless, but I know that I will get a job, I will get a car, and I will ultimately go to college, be what I want to be (even if right now I'm doubting what that may be) I know in the end I will succeed and like the song says "ya bleed just to know you're alive" in a way, that's what being on your own is...but hey, I'm not alone here...I have Johnny and his family to help me and I have faith in God that everything will turn out just as planned. And you can rest assured as well Linds that everything will turn out for you also.
LINDSAY: I really love talking to you, did you know that? Everything you say, is like, exactly what I feel.
ME: :-) And I love talking to you Linds. Thank you for listening to my sometimes off the wall rambles because that really has helped me a lot. So thank you.
LINDSAY You're so welcome! I love listening to peoples' off the wall rambles because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Like, when I think crazy mixed up things, or when I don't really think at all and I just act, it makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only confused person who doesn't know what they want and is tired of making everybody else happy. And see, I've just gone way off on a tangent. lol
ME: I know, and I completely identify, to know that we are not alone in this "crazy mixed up world" is such an amazing thing. Because nobody wants to be alone, nobody wants to be forgotten, nobody wants to live their life according to others day in and day out, if they do then they wonder whether they are truly themselves (the real them), or merely just a puppet that someone has been playing out, step by step their entire lives. We all must find our own way in life, if we do not question whether our lives are really own and our faith is really our own or simply that of our parents projected through us, then we will become a carbon copy drone and mimic what others want for and from us. Given, life is not perfect and we all faultier from time to time, it's human nature, but tis better to have tried and failed than to look back on life and wonder 'what if.' Nobody should have that hanging over their head later in life, or even currently. our parents have raised us well, they should trust us (and I'm sure they do, but are simply afraid for us, to be in the world away from their protective reach), and they should also know that no matter what life brings our way. We will always return home to them... but we do not wish to make our home the way they did... we cannot live our lives to be the mirror image of our parents. Even if they are our heroes and the people that we most look up to, we want to fill the pages of a book with our life story, not theirs... we want to make our own name, or own way, become what we will ultimately be as a result of their guidance and love rather than their manipulation in our lives. We grow because of them, not for them.
LINDSAY: I seriously think you need to write a book. I'm not kidding. You need to write down everything that you think and put it into a book, because it's all so beautiful, and it all makes so much sense. Everybody would read it and go "YES! I know what she's talking about!" You'd make millions and help people all at the same time.
ME: Aww, thank you so much Linds. you are sooo sweet. *hugs* and I know that you will inspire many as well, God has a great and wondrous plan for your life. you just wait and see.
LINDSAY: *hugs* You too are a wonderful and beautiful person, inside and out. You feel so deeply about everything. I know that everything will work out for you too, even if things feel crazy and mixed up right now. You're a smart person and you work hard for what you want.
ME: *jinormously big hug* thank you so much Linds! and hey, guess what... Johnny's mom said she could use my help with her sculptures... she said she could use some full time help. Which works for me, so she's gonna come by tomorrow and I'm going to do some things on the computer for her, so hopefully everything will work out and she will need help beyond just the computer stuff, cause I could definitely use the work. So that just happened while I was talking to you a few minutes ago. God works in mysterious ways and he's a wonderful God. Dude, Lindsay, you have me crying from your words. Thank you so much, this conversation has really helped.
LINDSAY: Aww, don't cry! lol. I meant everything, I really did. And that job sounds like a lot of fun! Also, you'd get to work with Johnny's mom, which would be cool. It's always more fun to have a job with someone that you know
ME: yeah, I agree. she does beautiful work, want to see some of them?
ME: go here: http://www.pacificwrecks.com/60th/kissimmee/ and here: http://www.americanbronze.com/PastWorks.htm scroll all the way to the bottom to see her Kennedy bronze.
LINDSAY: Oh wow! That's really amazing!
ME: the photography on the Bataan-Corregidor Memorial is a little blurry, but it's very beautiful up close
ME: each year Johnny portrays one of the American soldiers in the statue in honor and memory of those who lost their lives, on both sides of the war.
LINDSAY: That's cool
ME: Yeah, it's really cool


Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

Current mood: pensive
Current music: Beth Hart- Leave A Light On
(2 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

6:49PM - Movies, Movies, and Mexican.

In the famous words of Heather:

"I saw Butterfly Effect today. I definately reccomend it. It was VERY good. You wouldn't think that it would be because you doubt Ashton Kutcher's potential for seriousness but he pulled off an amazing performance. The story is interesting and not hard to follow at all (well.. that depends on how dumb you are lol). It's such a good movie. I really, really think you should go see it if you're planning on seeing a movie this weekend. Either the Effect or Big Fish. Which is too a very good flick. That's my reccomendation for the evening. LOL"

Seriously though, both movies are amazing, I plan to own them when they come out on DVD. "Big Fish" makes you cry internally for both the sad and happy moments, which is strange because even the sad parts aren't rip your heart out said, they are a good kind of sad in a sense. Does that make any sense? Well it does if you've seen the movie. "The Butterfly Effect" is just downright AWESOME! It really makes you think, not only about how every little thing that we do now can affect the future but also about the upbringing of our children and how we should raise them. (By the way, I will face up, I did flinch twice during the movie.)

Okay, well I'm gonna go now cause Johnny's Mom is going to pick me up and then me, her, Stef, Adam, and Johnny's Dad are all going to El Leonicto's for dinner in Titusville.

*Side note: I saw "Big Fish" Monday and I saw "The Butterfly Effect" last night*

Current mood: ears hurt from sore throat
Current music: Fefe Dobson- Everything
(2 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Monday, January 5, 2004

8:30PM - They Sucked Me Into Their Dillusions

Which O.C. Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Oh that's just cute, I got the same person with my name. Anyway, it's really cool, love the show, but I haven't punched anyone since I was like 12.

What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

That's cute, love the show. The odd thing is Johnny told me that he used to tell his sister that I looked like her every time she would ask him what I looked like since he didn't have a photo of me. Maybe, maybe not, think it's true?

Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty


Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty

I love all of her older stuff, and her book, but come on... what's with the techno and dance garbage? That is not Jewel.

Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and

Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla

Current mood: bored
Current music: The Velvet Teen- Radiaphathy
(Switch Off Into A Daydream)

Sunday, January 4, 2004

5:49PM - "It's Not Mine!"

Okay, so last night my mom had a dream...she dreamt of a baby boy, with chestnut colored hair and blonde highlights...she said he was the most beautiful baby boy that she had ever seen, he had my complexion too. so she goes, "I wonder, is it a vision of what is to come in the latter years or is it of something to come recent." the first words to come out of my mouth were, "it's not mine! No way, I'm still a virgin. Ask Howard and Steph, if Steph doesn't dye her hair blonde she has my hair coloring, and after all, Howard was born with blonde hair...the complexion could also be a recessive gene in Howard too. But it's not mine!" That is just really weird...especially recently. Given, I'm still a virgin...but ya know.

Current mood: thoughtful
Current music: The Velvet Teen- Super Me
(2 Daydreams | Switch Off Into A Daydream)

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