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[27 Feb 2006|04:27pm]
I am in class trying to do my homework for Theories of Technical Communication. I am not in the mood to be here. I wish I was celebrating Lundi Gras instead. I did something really crappy Saturday by accident and now I am trying to figure out what to do to make it alright. It was Sunday night before I even really realized I had done it. Saturday was a flop all around after I got drunk. When I got home Saturday night I was completely delusional. I took my lamoctil right before I went out so I think it affected my tolerance or something. Well anyway back to the point I hardly even remember getting home. I was rambling on and on about being scrared I remember that much, and I remember Charlie woke me up because he was all upset and thought he had hurt my feelings or upset me or something, in fact I think he was crying. I was in and out of it for a few hours and then I woke up with the worst headache i've ever had in my life. Sunday I did not even want to move. I through up and slept and had diarhea and a headache all day. It wasn't too pretty. Charlies affection was starting to wear on me that day. I appreciate it, I love it. But sometimes you just don't want to be clung to, for instance when you are hungover in a bad way. I did not want to hurt his feelings though.

Charlie went back to Mississippi today. I do not know if he is going to come back to Mobile today or not. He wants to go to New Orleans tommorrow but I really don't want to. I wanted to stay here and celebrate with my family, at the same time however I had a fight with april before I came here and I really don't want to spend a whole day with her if she is going to be a bitch.


anyway back to the original starting place. It's not Charlie I did something awful to. It is someone else. It wouldn't be appropriate to go on and on about it here. I do feel bad however. I hardly remember doing it and have no earthly idea why I did it. I wasn't in my right mind. Now I feel like shit. I think Charlie is right and expressing his belief that I shouldn't drink anymore while I am on meds, since I will be on meds for the rest of my life, its probably a good plan. I only drink maybe once a month at the most but I know its not good for me with the meds. I probably should stop. Save my liver and me a lot of trouble.

Tired of homework
2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

Life in the slow lane [21 Feb 2006|09:08pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Fiona Apple_Extraordinary Machine ]

I am at my moms house because I wanted to use the internet for a little while. She has been drinking, like every night, she gets on my nerves toward the end of the night. This is the one second of peace I have had in a long time and she wants to sit here and argue about stupid shit with me. April bought this new car that has 473,777 miles on it and I told my mom. She was on the phone w Richard a second ago and he said that it does not have a 1 or a 2 or a 3 it just says 73,777. I still don't know wtf she is talking about because she was chewing her nails and plus she is drunk and couldn't really chose her words. I saw how many miles were on the fucking car. Thats of course not even important but then she started asking me about Josh being on my insurance and all of this. I wish she wouldn't start that bullshit.

I wish I hadnt came over here... but anyway.. moving along..

I was watching Sex and The City and she changed the chanel back to these anorexic american idol girls. I feel like my mom is the most insensitive person to my emotions in the world. I will be so glad when Charlie gets home from work tommorrow. I have so much to tell him plus I need to "find the peace" which is only possible when he is around lately. I wish I could stop certain people from getting to me, like my mom. Josh. The Misc faces of judgement that surround me. *sigh*. I just need to relax.. To find the so called peace.

I got my nails done today for my Bday, which is the 23rd for those who do not know. :). I have no idea why I got my nails done. I was complaining today about all the money I have spent the last few semesters trying to make myself a prettier version of me. No sucess so far. I got back down to a size 5 then quickly reverted to a tight 7, in the last few weeks. I just got my hair cut off even shorter. It was purple but its faded out. Since around August my hair has been blonde, brown, blonde and blue, blonde and black, brown and black, red and black, red, purple, burgandy, and about fifty other colors but those are the only ones I can remember. Not to mention its gone from long to long with layers to medium with layers to medium length inverted bob to short inverted bob with the back shaved. Sometimes I think about just shaving my head, that will surely be my next thing. Yes I am finally cracking as I mentioned before. I do not know what I am looking for and I certainly have not found it. I could buy a small country with what I've spent on Sally's Beauty Supply, Victoria's Secret, The Gym that I never have time to go to, and the tattoo/piercing industry. I am still a mystery to my self and I don't feel any prettier and I feel like I wasted a shit load of money. Thats about all. Josh is still divorcing me. Nothing has changed.

Well anyway I cant believe the baby is sleeping and I am wasting time posting here. Well it feels good to get things off of my chest. It feels a lot better than doing howework. BTW, I made an 86 on that Shakespeare test, not a spectacular grade, but much better than I thought. Also as for my advising sessions, 11-12 More classes and I will be out. The end is in sight. Now if I can just make it there without getting lost.

Ok well I was going to end this with this really beautiful Nietzsche quote that I read recently while writing a paper on his "Birth of Tragedy", however I can't find the quote online, nor remember it perfectly, nor get my ass out of the recliner to go find the book, therefore I found a few replacement quotes.

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

Desperately close to a coffin of hope I'd cheat destiny just to be near you [28 Nov 2005|04:47pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | anna nalick ]

Sometimes I just want to give up. just fall in the floor and stop trying. I want to just give in and never speak again, never think again, never leave this room again. I hate leaving this room. I hate the world out there. Everything reminds me of Josh. I wish I could just rip my skin off, rip my heart out. I can't stand these feelings anymore.

I feel like i'm trapped in a never ending Hell. It gets better for a few days and then it gets worse than it was before those days came. I can't move on I can't get anything done, I can't even look for a job. I feel like all I am doing in life is spinning my wheels...

The most horrible part is that I'm not as angry as I should be. The most horrible part is that I know this is what I deserve. I can't take it anymore. IT's never going to get any better and no one gives a fuck. I can't spend the rest of my life without Josh, I can't have him, I can't move on.

It may be my fault but that doesn't make me anymore capable of dealing with it.

Please god make this go away

3 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

just sitting here listening to the rain as usual [06 Apr 2005|08:26pm]
i have three weeks left of school. i am so tired and burned out. i dont even want to do these last three weeks. it sucks so bad. of course the last three weeks are the hardest. no one wants to be there and theres no end to the list of stuff you have to do. i am making a "b" in american novel i finally found out. i am making a "c" in geography, a "b" in geography lab, possibly an "a" in SPE 400 and probably a "b" in anthro. there was so much extra credit work i could have done in anthro and in american novel and i can't believe i let it all slip away. that could have been two more a's probably...... i am just so tired and so not into this school thing right now. but i am trying. please just let me keep my grades where they are and i will be satisfied. i have almost finished reading "the color purple" which is a miracle. i have a while to read it still. i will actually be through a long time prior to the night before. i only have one more book to read after that!!!

in baby news, i go to the doc again on friday. she is kicking like crazy. i love to lay and watch my belly move around. i am huge, but my belly isn't nearly as pretty as the girl on my layouts belly. i really need to send out my invites but i am still sort of unsure of the location. i'll be so glad when she is here. i'm really down lately. i just keep thinking in eight or nine weeks i will be holding my baby. my sweet tiny little girl will be out here:-)

man i am sick of the rain..

call me back when you get a chance amber. i dont want to bug you i know you have a lot going on.
1 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

what did i do today [02 Apr 2005|11:20pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | tori amos' new cd ]

i talked to amber for a little while. i talked to carmen for a little while. i saw cody get his picture taken he was so cute he was wearing a diaper and bunny ears :-) .. i put some stuff on lay a way for my bebe. i'm super bored. i have so much to do and i don't want to do anything. the usual. i love my new layouts. i can't believe ireland will be here so soon. its april!!!!!!!

don't forget to spring forward peoplez!

what i ate today:
a bowl of cereal for breakfast
some juice
a glass of water

two slices of microwave tombstone pizza for lunch

a banana

arbys roast beef and chedder
some arbys curly fries

four scoops of oreo ice cream

a glass of juice
a milk and cereal bar

a handful of peanuts

yesterdays food from what i can remember:

soy nuts
a piece of toast
water and some juice

water while at school

a banana and 2 crackers with cream cheese

about a pound of grapes and something else but i can't remember what

another glass of water

some scrambled eggs with mustard and another glass of water

pork chops, cream corn, black eyed peas, either rice or pasta i can't remember which it was last night, cucumbers, and a baked potato
with of course water to drink

a glass of milk

1 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

it isn't that much fun starring down a loaded gun [23 Mar 2005|02:37pm]
just an update of what i did today i guess. I got up and ate a bowl of honey bunches of oats with peaches and a glass of orange juice. then i went to school i have a test on friday :-(. we reviewed for the test in anthro then i went to geography where we started reviewing for the test we have next week. the girl who sits next to me asked if she could borrow my notes until friday because she doesnt speak english very well and can't keep up with the teacher. i know i won't be using them tonight or tommorrow for anything bc he isn't giving out the study guide until friday so i let her have them. i'm kind of nervous about her having my notes though. i guess it will be okay. we will see friday. i should have gotten her number in case she disappears off the face of the earth with my notes.

well i came home and had some peanut butter. then i had cup of fruit on the bottom yogurt that was really really good. i also cleaned the house and took out the bahtroom trash and all of that. the vaccum smells like its burning something. i really hope it isn't broken because its a very nice vaccum that we just got for a wedding gift and i've barely used it since we don't have carpet anymore. josh's mom used it once, and last i might add, and i think i've used it twice. i hope its not broken that would suck because i am thinking about getting some more carpet.

i think i might give foxy a bath tonight. i am going to go to my moms for dinner of course.

what i ate yesterday:
breakfast: honey bunches of oats w strawberries and orange juice to drink
lunch: double cheeseburger and fries w a caffeine free coke
dinner: a bowl of chilli with some cheese in it and a glass of water
desert: a pc of aprils bday cake with water
later on: some potato chips
later on: a banana
i've cried 1000 oceans

a basic rundown [22 Mar 2005|09:31pm]
its 9:31 and i'm so tired but i don't feel like going to bed. i've been watching foxy roll around on the kitchen floor on her back. she is so cute. i took her outside and let her play today. i really need to give her another bath but i'm not in the mood to do it right now. it hasn't even been a week since she had one and she is a dog so it can definately wait til tommorrow. the waste management company is trying to screw me over they charged me for 3 months when i signed up on march 1st but now they are trying to tell me i owe them for april because the quarter ended or some stupid crap. grrrr. baby cody has a cold and april has a cold. my mom got bit on the back by a brown recluse spider. that totally freaks me out. she is on all kinds of antibiotics. its finally hot i'm so happy. i wrote kim a letter and she wrote me back i am in the process of replying, or i was earlier. i also need to send amber the surprise i got her that has been sitting on my desk staring at me for like two weeks. i finished "in cold blood" and wrote my paper, got to school today, and the teacher didn't even ask for the papers. i could have procrastinated a whole two days longer..

thats my life in a nutshell
i've cried 1000 oceans

a basic rundown [22 Mar 2005|09:31pm]
its 9:31 and i'm so tired but i don't feel like going to bed. i've been watching foxy roll around on the kitchen floor on her back. she is so cute. i took her outside and let her play today. i really need to give her another bath but i'm not in the mood to do it right now. it hasn't even been a week since she had one and she is a dog so it can definately wait til tommorrow. the waste management company is trying to screw me over they charged me for 3 months when i signed up on march 1st but now they are trying to tell me i owe them for april because the quarter ended or some stupid crap. grrrr. baby cody has a cold and april has a cold. my mom got bit on the back by a brown recluse spider. that totally freaks me out. she is on all kinds of antibiotics. its finally hot i'm so happy. i wrote kim a letter and she wrote me back i am in the process of replying, or i was earlier. i also need to send amber the surprise i got her that has been sitting on my desk staring at me for like two weeks. i finished "in cold blood" and wrote my paper, got to school today, and the teacher didn't even ask for the papers. i could have procrastinated a whole two days longer..

thats my life in a nutshell
i've cried 1000 oceans

[07 Mar 2005|08:32pm]
its 833 p.m. i'm still alone. the house smells like foxy and i need to like bleach it from ceiling to floor. i wish i could take a something to make me sleep. i want to go to sleep and for once i'm totally awake. i want my baby to be here.
2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

things i need for baby ireland [05 Mar 2005|05:47pm]
1. Baby Diapers, newborn especially, though any size would be appreciated.

2. A Crib Mattress Pad

3. Baby shampoo, soap, etc.

4. Diaper Rash medication

5. A baby sling. I want a sideways one like shown:

6. Baby Einstein tapes

7. Books (such as the little golden books, or soft books that the baby can chew on.)

8. Breast Milk Storage Bags

9. Extra Crib Sheets (I am getting the precious moments set so precious moements sheets would be great)

10. Hooded Towels

11. Burp Clothes

12. Small plastic panties (the type made to go over cloth diapers) i haven't found any in newborn or small.

Diapers, Diapers, Diapers, Diapers, Diapers, Diapers :-))) and wipes wipes wipes
i've cried 1000 oceans

[22 Feb 2005|09:13pm]
i was just reviewing some previous posts. god theres been a lot of drama and excitement in my life the last few years, for someone who finds their life so utterly boring. i changed more in the four years i have been in college than in the 18 years before it. isn't it amazing how that happens? i guess its true of all of us though
2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

vignette [06 Feb 2005|09:51am]
she lies awake starring at the wall, freezing, but gas costs so much. Suddenly the alarm pulsates booming in to the air and for a second she thinks it is a call for her, but then she realizes that it is merely sunday. sunday and all the things wrapped up in its lacy embrace, its joe cain day, its church day, its superbowl day.

what was she doing last year on this particularly important sunday, she ponders from beneath her shell of double comforters and body pillows to keep her on her left side? she was with her best friend, sleeping in, after a night in new orleans, one that she will never forget, that is to say if you are referring to joe cain day, for superbowl day last year meant nothing of import to this young girl.

when joe cain day fell last year her mind was racing with thoughts of the night before, and the days to come. She was turning twenty-one! drinking, and fun were all aflutter in her mind. my what a change a year can bring.

after he leaves, the familar stranger by her side, she ponders for a while on the year that has passed. Finally she forces herself to awaken and once again go to the bathroom. The bathroom is akin to what one would expect to feel stumbling outside in an alaskan night.

the trash can is filled with stinking wet paper, the sink pipe has been dripping into it again. the stench makes her sick, they can't afford garbage service so soon this will sit be sitting in her yard stinking it up, until her parents out of kindness carry it off to dump somwhere. it smells beyond that of feces and rot and into that of death, much like the rest of this decaying home. though she is proud to have a house to call her own, there are days when she wishes she was still at home.

soon she stumbles back into her coccon of sheets and wishes that her stranger had not taken their only means of transportation, for she will be trapped here in this icey world until five. the dog vomits in the background. an all too familiar sound. she curls up beneath the blankets and wishes that she could be somewhere else, anywhere else.

no one will visit and no one will call. the friends she has, few and far between, have lives of their own hectic and full. she decides to pull her tiny computer into the coccon and see what is going on in the only world she seems to make contact with anymore. of course no one is online, no one ever is, the whole world has better things to do than talk this girl wrapped in her cocoon.

she reads something old, an ex boyfriend wrote. the words are sharp and flowery, he writes like paris describing helen. how could anyone think such lovely things about this girl wrapped in her cocoon? is everyone around her a fool? she sighs and holds off the choking feeling in the back of her throat as tears began their daily trek from her eyes.

after a bit of tearful self loathing, she feels the tiny infant nestled in her womb begin to wiggle, and places her hand against the soft flesh of her swollen abdomen. the tiny beats against her hand bring about the only joy she seems to find these days. if only her beautiful little one were here, if only she could speed up time. this tiny being growing within her body is the only angel she has ever known. she closes her eyes and wishes with all her might that she will open them to some sunday in june with this tiny person sleeping in her arms. of course like all the other days she tries this with all her other wishes, she opens her eyes to find herself still wrapped in a cocoon, freezing, alone, with a calendar still set to february.
1 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

so this is whats going on in my life [29 Jan 2005|08:11pm]
April had her baby. 7 pounds and 20 inches born 1.25.2005 and he's a cutie. He is so tiny. I can't wait til my little Ireland is here. I think I am going to register for baby stuff today at walmart. I know I registered at Target because I got a book that i've lost in the mail from them but the thing is that i have no idea what the name and password is or any of that. i don't even rememeber making it.

I just bleached the floor. I need to study. I really really need to clean the dishes. Josh quit the new job that he got, after two days. I can't wait until I get my income tax refund. Thats all I have to say. I am watching some goofy show on about piercings on m2 because i dont feel like walking across the room to change the station. I miss my piercings. I miss a lot of things................

Irelands room is super cute!

Okay I don't even know what I am talking about. Too much bleach in the air.

2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

today [15 Jan 2005|11:05pm]
today i baby sat mikey alone for about seven hours. that was an interesting thing to do. he slept most of the time though. it was just weird because i'm not really that close to the little guy and it would have been better had his uncle josh who lived with him the first year of his life had been here. but josh had to work and mikey needed adult supervision so i ended up being the token adult.

i am very tired now and my back hurts. i did a lot of work in Ireland's nursery today. She has two drawers and nearly a closet full of stuff already. the top of her dresser is completely covered in tiny little shoes. she will certainly never have to go naked. i have more winter clothes than summer though, i bought those in the size i expect her to be by winter. the stuff is all marked down to like nothing at jc penney's and sears and places like that right now. i am keeping tags on everything in case the sonographer was wrong about the sex but i am pretty sure she was right judging from the pics. The two pics i have of between her legs were pretty clear and from an pretty good angle and i certainly saw not a hint of a boy part. but its better to be safe than sorry.

my house is slowly becoming a disaster again. i managed to read 30 pages of "My Antonia" today while i was babysitting mikey. i should have read more but my attention was lagging after about 30 pages. i only have about 200 more to go and i have til thursday so i should be able to get this done between now and then.

i have a lot on my mind. there is a lot of imperfect in my world. i am always confused about one thing in particular. i am trying to focus on Ireland right now though. Get through the next few months, have my little sweetie, and then figure out what the cure is for the rest of life's problems.

i am so happy about being pregnant. i may have a million regrets in my life, and they may grow every single day, but this little girl will never be a regret. i love her with every fiber of myself. she consumes my thoughts twenty four hours a day. i think of how each and every thing i do will affect her. i worry about her. i talk to her. the timing may not have been divine but creating Ireland was the most wonderful thing I ever did with my life regardless of what anyone thinks.
i've cried 1000 oceans

the ataris_i won't spend another night alone [15 Jan 2005|04:44am]
the ataris - i won't spend another night alone

a star up in the sky goes slowly passing by,
The lights below...they spell out your name.
You're comfort on my mind and you're with me all the time.
And lot's of feeling that I can't explain.

I won't spend another night alone.

Out of every girl I meet, no other can compete
I'd ditch em all for a night with you.
I know you don't believe you mean this much to me
But I promise you that you do.

If I had one wish this is what it would be...
I'd ask you to spend all your time with me,
That we'd be together forever.
We'd buy a small house in south central L.A.
Raise lots of kids then we'd both join a gang
Just as long as we're together.

The things you make me wanna do
I'd rob a quik-e-mart for you
I'd go to the pound and let all the cats go free
Just as long as you'd be with me.
i've cried 1000 oceans

my school schedule [14 Jan 2005|12:27am]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | sound of "goodfellas" movie in background ]

8-9:40 Landscape Processes lab
11:15-12:05 Intro To Anthropology
12:20-1:10 Landscape Processes

2-3:15 The American Novel since 1900

Wednesday and Friday
Same as Monday minus the lab

Same as Tuesday + SPE 400 6-8:30 P.m. in friggin fairhope!

i've cried 1000 oceans

i want toast [14 Jan 2005|12:04am]
well josh went to go watch a sneak preview of elektra at his work. this week has been so hectic, with starting back to school and all. i have to read the book "my antonia" before next thursday which is like 300 pages long, in addition to all the other stuff i have to read for my other classes. i have anthropology and science tommorrow and then i get a three day weekend. woo hoo.

i had to drive what seemed like forever today in the cold rain to get to my special education class in fairhope. i liked my teacher a lot though. she is pretty funny, she lost a lot of her house in the hurricane so that sucks. those two facts have nothing to do with each other but i decided to mention them at the same time anyway.

i am lonely and not sleepy. i am starving. i want toast from ihop. i cried over toast because we are out of bread. josh made me scrambled eggs with cheese before he left. i can't scramble an egg without burning it. the strange thing about the toast is that tears were in my eyes over it and all inside i felt like i was crying but all that was coming out was laughing. strange moodswing let me tell you.

so i'm still hungry and there is still nothing i want. i already had a ten pc nugget meal today (i had been doing really good w not eating fast food but i was starving and all the way in fairhope), two little frozen pizzas, two apples, two eggs with cheese, and about ninteen glasses of water and i'm still starving!!! my belly is rumbling. baby kick. hunger pain. baby kick. hunger pain. thats my life. you may only need 300-500 extra calories for a single child pregnancy but you want like 3000-5000 more calories some days. hehe.

oh and for everyone who doesn't know the really exciting part of my week! its a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ireland Elise is on her way! i have ten ultrasound pictures of my little princess :-) i am going to scan them at school so everyone can see them, just as soon as i get a chance, probably monday!

1 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

unknown [06 Jan 2005|07:54pm]
i went to the doctor today. i still go back next week for my ultrasound. josh is at work. its just me and the dog right now. i heard my little ones heartbeat again today and i felt a few kicks and everything that i was worried about is fine. in a week i will know what i am having and thats great because i really want to know. i had checkers today for breakfast/lunch as usual, got to stop it w the fast food. the rest of the day i ate fairly well though. this house needs to be cleaned so much that it is ridiculous :-(. i had the whole place spotless last week but i should have known everthing would be dirty again in no time. ok.. i really have nothing to talk about. i slept like all day but i am still sort of drowsy. i can't believe school starts monday. this is the shortest winter break of my life.
i've cried 1000 oceans

baby on the move [02 Jan 2005|09:25pm]
i can feel my baby. its so nice. i kept little josue last night and he had colic and it was nightmarish at first but then he fell asleep on me and i wanted to cry, he's such a cupcake. i am trying to eat right for my little one but its hard. i love junk food. i crave junk food every day. yesterday i was craving a checker burger which is like my major craving lately so i had one but as of yesterday i started keeping track of everything i eat so that i can try to get everything in every day that i am suppose to and have less of what i'm not. its hard. i woke up at five today having a dream about popeyes so i went and got chicken and biscuits finally when i couldn't take it anymore. i know popeyes is junk food too but its a little bit better than checkers right?? well anyways for dinner all i had was broccoli w cheese and rice because i wasn't really hungry and my mom made chicken which i didn't want again. i ate very little of that in fact and now i'm starving and i can't find anything really nutritous that i can bear eating right now. i want junk and i want it bad!!! i guess i will eat cheerios or tomato soup or something. its weird that you have this vision that when you get pregnant you can eat all you want all the time and when you actually get there you realize to take care of the baby you only need 300 extra calories a day so you don't get to eat all the time and be the right weight to be healty and then on top of that what you do eat becomes wayyy more important and your diet actually becomes stricter. ick. oh well atleast vanilla ice cream gives me one fat serving and one calcium serving. yayy for that!
2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

ohmifreakinggod [17 Dec 2004|12:18pm]
i made two a's, two b's, and a c!!!! before the finals which i thought i totally screwed up i had my grades averaged at one a, one b, two c's and a d!!! i can't believe i had four grades that were higher than i thought they would be!!!!! ohmigod!!! i can't believe its finally through! i am so relieved now!
2 these tears i've cried i've cried 1000 oceans

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