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torn

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[12 Sep 2004|07:48pm]
[ mood | home again ]

i've come to the realization that my mother knows things about me that i never planned her to find out. mostly because she has gone through everything i own since i have moved out moved in and moved away. i have also come to understand that neither her nor i will ever speak of these things, due to their depressive and unforgivable details. we will just ignore that elephant in the room like it is invisible to us, just like everyone else. however, someday, somehow, i'm sure things will surface. but that may be when she's dying, or i'm dying, or it just may be after we're dead. or it could be the next time i'm desperate for her financial mercy.

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[05 Sep 2004|10:00pm]
[ mood | milk and cookies ]

i've been reading

"night falls fast" ...understanding suicide, by kay redfield jamison.

also,

"i hate you, don't leave me" ...understanding the borderline personality, by jerold j kreisman and hal straus.

there comes a time, when you just plain give up. you don't want to die, but you just wish there was a way to stay alive, carefree. you give up control. you bow to your circumstances, your past, and your impending uncertain future. you give up because trying strains your insides to the point of chest pains and intestinal cramping. you regret the things you've done and said, you have almost lost hope for peace, you are not sure of your identity any longer, you trust no one, and you cling to the scraps of what is left of a love that is sometimes absent and ficticious. you are scared, not alone but more isolated than ever, depressed in secret from your freinds, coworkers and family, making strides to protect them all from knowing how horrible you really are. you are hopeless, you wish on stars, you pray constantly, you talk to god like a friend, because all your old ones are non existant now, and "you always have a friend in jesus." you cancel plans for self-improvement, your hygene suffers, your eating habits are erratic, your weight has fallen, and is far from constant, your taste for nothing but temporary comforting kisses and nightmare free sleep consumes your free time. you made your bed, and you are inevitably lying in it. you run from reality, you cringe at the truth. all there is, is sorrow for what you have done, the situation you have created, the windows of opportunity you let slam shut. all there is, are stories of classmates that are married and teaching at your gradeschool, and you a college dropout crying while reading books about suicide and borderline personality disorder. you are such a dissapointment to yourself, and something must be done. your passions and interests are burried in worries. you can trust no one, not even yourself.

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[24 Aug 2004|07:38pm]
[ mood | all of the above ]

why am i so lonely? why i am so co-dependant? why am i so gullible? why am i so weak? why am i so insecure? why am i so lazy? why am i so tired all the time? why am i so easy to upset? why am i so overly forgiving? why am i so uninterested in everything? why am i so disorganized? why am i so reluctant to get rid of things? why am i so quick to cry? why am i so sick to my stomach alot? why am i so stressed OUT?

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[24 Aug 2004|09:09am]
[ mood | unfinished ]

no matter how early i go to bed, i still can't force myself to get up. my alarm gets set for 8 am, and i snooze it until 9. that's like 6 snoozes! i think it's because i'm always in the midst of a dream. i keep wanting to go back and finish it, but it never ends itself. it's always in the workings.

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[23 Aug 2004|07:35pm]
[ mood | wrong ]

you are who you run with, that's what i was always warned of. to a certain extent i've come to believe it's true. however, the distance between who i associate most with these days, and who i truly am myself, continues to grow ever so slightly day by day. i know i wasn't intended to submit to such disgusting ideas, but then again i have always believed in fate and destiny. maybe i'm being showed a hidden path to enlightenment, what road not to take. nonetheless, i find myself traveling down down that same familiar one way street, towards sin and misunderstanding. if i will ever know if my time has been fruitless, is still to be decided. i could die today and wake up in a burning pit of pain, paying for my mistakes. contrary to my own thoughts, i might live into old age, in a world full of uncertainties even for the elders. then i may be living with only slight memories of what's happening now, thankfully of course. yet, suprise is the essence of life, at least it has been for me. a door may open that leads me to peace, love and hope still.

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[23 Aug 2004|09:11am]
[ mood | bad hair dayish ]

i slept very poorly last night, even though i heard it raining outside. i was expecting an escape from stress, stomach and head aches. but i ended up stressing about fake problems in my DREAMS. i even stress in my dreams now. i kept waking up, rearranging the blankets and forcing myself to realize that i had nothing to worry about. i was dreaming and all the stuff i have to worry about in life will be there later, just go back to sleep and enjoy forgetting. even so, i kept waking up to a pain in my head or my stomach. it's nerves. it has to be.

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[22 Aug 2004|10:44pm]
[ mood | ashamed ]

hi grandma! sorry i never call you or write you. sorry i never visit too. i know you're really really old and you won't be around for many more years, but i'm just too caught up in my own personal dramas to consider how you feel. one full blooded grand daughter, one full blooded grandCHILD. that's all you have, and it's little old me. little old drop out screw up my life, me. hi grandma, i know i'm getting older and i should be bearing your great grandchild, but i'm too immature, too behind. too emotionally unstable and financially insecure, too unlucky in love. maybe once you're in heaven and you look down years from now i'll be better off. you can be proud of me then. sorry it couldn't happen sooner. i'm just a little confused. love you...

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[22 Aug 2004|04:33pm]
[ mood | doomed ]

pick which personality you believe, and in due time the other will fade farther away from you than you ever imagined. as of now, the two are intertwined, and the reversion between both continues to pull you from your own usual self. if you pick the more detrimental of the choices, you will no doubt be dissapointed and left to regret all the choices you have made over the past double digit months. if you pick the more evolved and humane, you will only find yourself twice as sullen, due to its inevitable and undeniably hard fall.

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[22 Aug 2004|01:10pm]
[ mood | obviously clueless ]

"honey...you can't put things on the car's paint and drag it across, it scraches it."

-the father figure

"yeah, ok talk to me like i'm stupid dad."

-the disrespectful daughter

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[21 Aug 2004|07:55pm]
[ mood | used ]

i can't be organized ok and i can't get my life together ok. so find me a rich husband ok and i'll eat dinner, delivered. that is if i remember i'm human and humans get hungry. and i'll adopt. cause i'll be able to afford it. and the maid will water the plants because i can't coax them to thrive. she'll have to be a whore to the man of the house too, cause i'll be too fucked up on pills in bed to know who i am. but i'll smile, and wear lipstick when i visit you and the family, ok so don't worry.

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[20 Aug 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | eyeburning tired ]

after so long, the other person's dementia will rub off on you. their paranoia will become contagious, their dishonesty like the flu bug. day upon day, their impatience soaks into your skin and unheartedly finds its way down the road of affecting the ones who have loved you before you knew yourself.

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[20 Aug 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | hung up on ]

the best advice comes through the voice of an old aquaintance who knows nothing of your life today, but speaks the truth so loud you cannot turn away.

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