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4th August 2003

1:07am: If you read my journal and care about me
Enter this contest... please... I really want to see Ben Folds and I just don't see it as a possiblity... I mean, I wont die if I don't go, perhaps I wont even be disappointed. However, I really like and admire Ben, I'd like to see him one day or maybe I wont... Maybe I wont know you entered, maybe we both wont win, but atleast in my mind I will think whom ever reads this cares.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities

3rd August 2003

11:10pm: Time to figure out Teri
>-- Name: Theresa
>-- Birthdate: 5/18/84
>-- Birthplace: Teanck, NJ
>-- Current Location: Orlando
>-- Eye Color: hazel/brown
>-- Hair Color: brown
>-- Height: 5'4ish
>-- Righty or Lefty: right
>-- Zodiac Sign: taurus
>- Your heritage: Russian, Polish and Austrian
>-- The shoes you wore today: my "bowling shoes" and adidas for walking
>-- Your weakness: my heart
>-- Your fears: being all alone
>-- Your perfect pizza: mno red sauce and spinach
>-- Goal you'd like to achieve: be someone

>-- Your most overused phrase: fuck
>-- Your thoughts first waking up: bread
>-- Your best physical feature: smile?
>-- Your bedtime: late
>-- Your most missed memory: when my family was happy

>-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
>-- McDonald's or Burger King: Wendy's
>-- Single or Relationship: Relationship
>-- Adidas or Nike: adidas
>-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Ew, raspberry Harry & David tea
>-- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
>-- Cappuccino or coffee: Both

>-- smoke: I want to quit... but it's so hard... :-\
>-- Cuss: yes
>-- Sing: yes
>-- Take a shower everyday: Sometimes twice
>-- Have a crush(es): I'm with him :)
>-- Want to go to college?: Very bad :(
>-- Like high school: I miss my friends so very much
>-- Want to get married: Definately
>-- Believe in yourself: I try
>-- Get motion sickness: Sometimes, not usually
>-- Think you're attractive: Seldomly
>-- Think you're a health freak: I try to be
>-- Get along with your parents: I wish :(
>-- Like thunderstorms: No, I get scared

>In the past month...
>- Made Out: :)
>-- Gone on a date: :)
>-- Gone to the mall?: I work in the mall
>-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Ew, god no
>-- Eaten sushi: No, I wanted to though
>-- Been on stage: I wish... I miss theater
>-- Gone skating: Again, I wish
>-- Made homemade cookies: Do brownies or bread count?
>-- Gone skinny dipping: Never
>-- Dyed your hair: No, but I probably should
>-- Stolen anything: No

>- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No
>-- If so, was it mixed company: n/a
>-- Been caught "doing something": No
>-- Been called a tease: Yup :(
>-- Gotten beaten up: I got jumped in high school, for being white
>-- Shoplifted: When I was young, not my finest hour

>-- Age you hope to be married: I refuse to answer this, just because :(
>-- Numbers and Names of Children: Uh, isn't that something you don't choose on your own?
>-- Describe your dream wedding: Flowers, nice dress, nice place, nice people
>-- How do you want to die: Hmmm, this is morbid
>-- Where you want to go to college: Penn State BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!
>-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Someone that helps people in a positive manner
>-- What country would you most like to visit: Austria

>In a person
>-- Best eye color? brown
>-- Best hair color? brown
>-- Short or long hair: short
>-- Height: taller or like me
>-- Best weight: doesn't matter
>-- Best articles of clothing: pants and a shirt
>-- Best first date location: Movie
>-- Best first kiss location: On a couch in the middle of a sentance

>-- Number of people I could trust with my life: All of my friends who I talk to often
>-- Number of CDs that I own: Many
>-- Number of piercing: my ears
>-- Number of tattoos: 0
>-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Hmmm, none
>-- Number of scars on my body: :(
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Britney Spears (shut the fuck up)
11:24am: I gave in, I smoked
I'm disappointed with me, but it was SO FUCKING WORTH IT!!!! Which makes it worse. But atleast Heath didn't get all mad at me!! :)
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: My fan blowing

1st August 2003

1:15am: AHHH!!!!
It seems I am going cigarette crazy... It's getting harder day by day, I'm chewing gum all the time too. WTF?! It was so easy before, and I'd just say I want a cig to piss people off, but everytime I say it now I mean it.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun

30th July 2003

11:39pm: I'm a crapface
I really am, I bitch too much... However, I feel better, mentally. Physically I feel like I'm going to puke, I need to stop pigging out. That's all I feel like saying.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Ed Harcourt - Apple of my eye
4:06pm: fuck ya'll
Don't get me wrong some people are nice. Like last night I had a terrific time with Heath... But Phil was being a little bitch, I don't want to go, I don't want to stay (of course after I give him gas money and we go to my work to fill out an application). THEN today, he's like oh yea, I'm not bringing you to the airport when Elya comes, I promised Angel months ago, I said "Yeah, you promised me months ago too." It's nice to see who your fucking friends are. Ass!
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Superdrag - Unprepared

28th July 2003

9:43pm: I hate you Bob Dole!!!
You make my fucking life hell (I needed someone to hate). Everyone needs a certain level of hate? Work sucked, I pretty much got Phil a job though. I'm too nice to everyone I know, I'm going to start hating them and treating them like shit and not really. How can you be lonely when you go to work and they like you there? Someone hit me, knock me out, see in anyone notices, I'm pratically in a coma now. If I was would they notice? They barely call, they barely write, what contact is there? I'm in a land all my own... I need a hug. I need a life. I need many things. If I had a car I don't think I'd visit anyone, I'd do things by myself, perhaps I'd make little effort, I lie, I'd see anyone who'd see me. I'm sick, I want to say fuck you to everyone.
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Coldplay - Don't Panic
3:53pm: I need social activity
I sat here, from 11am to now, doing nothing. Gracie and Alex wont come see me, neither will Phil. He called me this morning asking me a favor, I said why don't you pass by tonight, he said no, I was only asking about that. I say why don't you come over now and do it, I can help you, he said no, I don't want to. Why do I never say no to anyone? I don't, if anyone can name when I said no I'll tell everyone what a fucking hypocrite I am. But I'm not, I will work my ass off to do what everyone else wants, so it's alright to be selfish then, right? I'm mad... I don't want to go to work, it's going to be a shit day anyway... I sense it... you'll see.
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Weezer - Only in Dreams

27th July 2003

9:18pm: this is me posting
Well, no beach, went to St. Augustine... we did nothing, we ate. Took us like 4545498587 hours to get home, when it only should have taken two. Heath isn't coming over... Everyone thinks I'm pissed or angry or some shit. Maybe disappointed... I just like to plan things to an extent, there's nothing wrong with disappointment it fucking happens and I'm so fucking used to it. What fucking sucks ass is when you apparently make people feel guilty and they tell you what you fucking want to hear. I'm just going to spend this week alone. Perhaps I am to clingy, because now I do feel like shit. Brian when I talked to him HAD to mess around, he was trying to make me feel okay, but he made me feel like a typical bitchy girl and I feel guilty as all hell now... I have social issues.
Current Mood: guilty
Current Music: Superdrag - Keep it close to me
10:26am: I have a life
What plans for the day... a day out with the family that doesn't seem so bad after you shower and are awake. THEN tonight I see my Heath... :):):):):) Maybe I'm a little happy (ALOT). I probably wont see much of him this week, but when I do it'll be great!!!Anyway, I need to put on clothes and leave... Perhaps I'll post later
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: John Mayer - Your bodys a wonderland (learn boys, it's a "sexual song" LOL)
12:35am: Clinically insane
Yes, I am... "I'M SORRY SORRY FOR MAKING YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL!!!" Jebus!!! I want to cry my eyes out at the moment, let me give all you boys out their advice, girls are VERY selfish... We want so much, I hung out with Gracie today, I hate to admit this, but it was so boring. She has changed so much, she's a work-a-holic. I need a big fucking loving hug. "No, no one cares, how close you are to the edge. No, no one seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees the changes you've made for yourself."

Ugh... Why do I do this to myself? It's like if I can't be happy, I'd like to be as sad as possible, talking to João, letting it get to me. Last conversation we had was great... Do I only make sense to me? I want to bash my head repeatedly into a wall, until I'm numb and I feel no more. Mindless, cold, selfless...

I don't want to hang with the family tomorrow, but I promised... I hate this... I need to live my own life, how I want to. I need to be in control...
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Sorry sorry - Rooney

26th July 2003

9:16am: :)
Yesterday was the best day ever... I have this amazing boyfriend who cares very much and likes to do nice things. He's just the best, I wanted to make yesterday everything great for him, he succeeded to make it great for us. Not only did we have fun at Disney Quest, he took me to see the chick flick I've been wanting to see. In my book, nothing says I care like a boy saying "I want to take you to see this *insert chick flick movie name here* "

Sure maybe I can't see him for a day or two, but yesterday, I'm so happy. Heath>=Best Boyfriend EVAR!!! ;)
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: the sound of my mouse going "click, click"

23rd July 2003

9:24pm: I'm selfish
It's so hard to seem somewhat oblivious not knowing what certain people read or not. Wow, I never realized how high matience I was. If I'm sad/sick/lonely I want people to be there... Shit, I'm in dire need of affection. I suppose I don't get the affection I need at home anymore. My family doesn't care about eachother not anymore... All I'm looking for is a great day, a really great day...
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - This Could Be Love

18th July 2003

7:52pm: The day got significantly worse
My parents were screaming for an hour back anf forth. Trying to kick eachother out, etc. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart hurts. My brother is moving back in, I don't like him very much. I'm not too happy. I fear what this will be like, I fear it all. I fear my safety, my happiness and my life. This will be hell. I'm depressed, VERY depressed. Atleast I have someone saving me, Heath... That's all I need, a little time away.
Current Mood: scared
5:32pm: I'm so fucking depressed
God fucking damnit... I truly loathe people sometimes. Oh no, I don't mean to hurt you... blah blah blah.

I get home after a shitty ass day at work, I was late, thank god Brenda is nice or I would have been fired!!! I get an email from João

"you have some nerve, you keep acting like your the victim, i know i hurt you but i didn't abandon you, and i sure as hell didn't mean to hurt you, i joined to make things better, but now i have nothing to make better so me joining was pointless, think about this, if your the victim then why am i in the navy, without the person who apparently loved me so much and wanted to be with me forever and ever, dream on teri, dream on...."

WTF!!! Seriously???? I have feelings Jesus Christ, this makes me sound bad, what about the fucking lies and keeping the truth? I NEVER LIED!!!! And he knows just how to hurt me, he succeeds all the time. Does he want me to be with him out of pity? It's not going to happen. He makes me want to hang myself... Now here I go, off to cry my mother fucking eyes out.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Hands down - Dashboard Confessional

17th July 2003

3:22am: I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!!!111!!!!1111!!!11!!!!!1
YAY!!!! I have a boyfriend who listens and who I just want to grab and hug all the time!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Heath you have no idea how lovely and happy you made me tonight, I don't even think you tried!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: John Mayer - Your Body is a Wonderland

16th July 2003

11:20pm: I need too much attention...
I'm serious, perhaps I need a life. A new hobby? Something, I'm just sad, it isn't stopping... It makes me feel bad, I lock myself in my own pitting world. I suppose I do expect too much out of life. I need to just stop and take some steps back. But why? All I want are very few things, I want to be swept off my feet, I want pleasant suprises, I've never experienced any of that. I just want little things that say "you mean very much to me, I'm glad you're in my life." Is that too much? Now, I sit here listening to the sweet sounds of Dave Matthews Band... His voice is so soothing and just melts my heart. I'm just a bag of emotions lately. Dam maturing damnit!!! I get like this more than I need to. I need a hug... And no one wants to love me.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Coldplay - The Scientist
1:38am: Fuck, I'm sick
I have the most god awful stomach pains EVER and my nose is all runny. I think I might cry. I hate being sick, PLUS I can't call out to work. I'm going to die (not really). I can't tell anyone at my house they'll bitch, so I'll deal and cry here in my journal. Atleast today was an alright day. David came over we traded some video games, for now. Played some, I kicked his ass. I'm not tired either... but I should go before I die!
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: tekken tag

15th July 2003

10:20am: *Le Sigh*
I cried, a small cry... I've been switching between Amelie and Good Will Hunting. Why aren't movies like reality? I mean yes of course they are, but why aren't REAL people like these characters? Why don't they do these things? More like why isn't my life like a movie? Perhaps because it's not fake? I'm sure I wouldn't mind a little something not so life-like every now and then... An escape from reality. I do expect a lot, I have high hopes and expectations, however they don't get crushed, I keep telling myself one day. I'm not sad or anything, I suppose I just want more than I can chew (figuratively speaking). My life isn't bad, I don't understand why I make it sound like I'm missing many things, I am not. I just want little things... I want too much, in that sense I'm a girl, a typical girl. It's slightly disgusting, but doesn't everyone want and seek perfection? Or a certain sense of it? I'm getting older aren't people supposed to get better? I don't mean my friends, they're terrific... I mean people in general, so dense, so ignorant, shallow, tasteless, mindless.

"Sweet blasphemy this giving tree, it hasn't rained in years. I bring you this sacrificial offering, of virgin ears. Leave it to me I'll remain free from all the comforts of home. When it is I'm pleased as piss to say I'll never really know."

DAMN THIS WONDERFUL SONG!!!! Shit, seriously... it's beautiful... this and Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional... Best line in that is

"My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me? So I die happy. My heart is yours, to fill or burst, or break or bury, or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer."

I sung that over and over at work today (yesterday). Now, that is on my winamp. It's so beautiful... It makes me so happy, but it's one of those songs where you want to let it all go and cry forever. It tells a story. God, beauty in lyrics, it's heaven. This man pours his heart on his sleeve and puts so much emotion into this song, it AMAZES ME!!! Probably because I am emo.... *shifty eyes* Everyone say it, "EW EMO TERI" *puke* "Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember!!" I could say that about certain days with a certain someone... if you can guess who you are I'll make you brownies...

Please tell me this entry makes sense to others then myself... Otherwise, I'm lost... forever.
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - All on Black (It's on repeat, DAMN YOU BARIN!!!!!!)

13th July 2003

5:35pm: You've got mail
This is truly a beautiful movie, it makes me smile. It shows how something small, something simple can make someone happy. I am that person, I don't need anything extravagant, I am particular, but not when it comes to that. I need nothing more than a simple kiss, a smile, a single rose and maybe some affection. I don't need riches (yeah, it'd be nice, but I can manage without). I have great friends that mean EVERYTHING to me, I might not have many, but they know who they are and they save me from the sickness that this world gives off. I'm very happy, if I get sad I should read this. I don't need much else, just genuine affection and I get that from anyone reading this. I thank you...
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Movie - you've got mail
12:01pm: Don't you love overreacting?
Well, I was completely wrong and Heath saved me from hell... For two days. He rocks!!! We ended up renting movies and he stayed the night then I went to his place, showed him Bad Taste (FINALLY), argued over who Peter Jackson was (I WON!!!), then saw League of Extraordinary Gentlemen... Great movie. Something sucks about our movie choices, see he doesn't pick out shit movies, I do. (Chick flicks)

I said it once, I'll say it again he's a really nice boy :)
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: The sweet sweet sounds of my keyboard

11th July 2003

9:12pm: I'm peachy!!! :(
What a fucking day. It all started last night, with the whole family fighting. Needless to say I've been shit all day, crying on and off. We all know I take the fighting very well. As I write this I cry, no one gives two fucks... No one cares, why should I? I got a letter from João, made me feel like shit, made me cry. It's like the day of hell pure hell. Here I am waiting to go out which I see not happening because I so obviously got forgotten about or ignored. Gracie isn't home, Phil is in PR... Those are my friends, Alex is a friend, but Phil and Gracie are who I talk to, they're the ones that save me as I save them when they need saving. I've been talking to Brian all day and as I told him I'm being a negative Nancy... VERY difficult to talk to. I want to run away, I have no where to run to. I have nothing. I'm not even sure if I have a personality at the moment. I'm so happy I could puke! :-) {sarcasm}
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Dashboard Confessional

10th July 2003

1:52am: Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy!!!
Wow, best day ever!!! I slept a good portion of the day, then went on a date with Heath. I swear that boy just keeps getting better and better. We played video games, I'm pretty sure he let me kick his ass. :) We went to Full Sail which seems like a really rad place. Really rad video games. That's about all I'll say because I think I'm going to pass out.
Current Mood: ecstatic

8th July 2003

2:01am: I'm bored, I can't sleep so I will answer this poll thing going around
1. Describe the most perfect kiss you have ever received.

- The dip and kiss

2. Tongues or not?

- Depends on the mood

3. Lips? Should they be soft, firm, thick, thin, or doesn't it matter? Explain why.

- soft, because it feels nice

4. When did you have your first kiss, and what was it like?

- Ew Jeff and we both just finished smoking cigs, we were 12.

5. Where do you most like to be kissed?

- Uh, on my lips?

6. How many different people have you kissed (approximations acceptable)?

- many... this is irrelevant!!!!

7. Do you kiss strangers (on the lips), or save kissing for those who mean something to you?

- When I'm pissed off and at a club, but that was like a year ago... I still remember his name though, so Mike couldn't have been too strange. He was rather nice actually.

8. What is the longest kiss you have ever had (times in seconds, minutes, hours or days!)?

- Uh, it was me making out, who keeps tabs?

9. Is kissing an essential part of a relationship, and/or of a sexual encounter?

- All of the above
10. At what age did you have your first kiss?

- 12

11. Describe your first kiss:

- I thought I did already

12. Who did you kiss last? When, where, why?

-Heath, because he rocks, when the 5th, where in his car, why because I was going to work... I can't wait to kiss him again (How cheesey)
Current Mood: tired as fuck
Current Music: tv
12:45am: Music is great
It truly is, it makes or breaks your mood. I feel so girly, it's great and disgusting. I suppose I'm finally accepting the fact that I am indeed female and I do have a vagina. Haha, how weird am I? I've heard of denial, but this was ODD! I still am and always be a bit tomboyish though, not to a butch lesbian sense. I just like boys too much for that. However, I do infact like looking pretty too... Ew...

It's all Heath's fault... He makes me all giddy and girly.
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Frank & Nancy Sinatra - Something Stupid
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