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(don't look now)

two more weeks, my foot is in my toe, yea. [10 Nov 2004|12:03pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | me and sarah's version of saturday (fallout boy) ]

me and sarah have all these weird little insider jokes. like the first time she heard 'my foot is in the door' she thought.. yea, look at the title. and 'yo, i'll tell you what i want, what i really really want.' stupid shit like that. (that last one's from king of the hill, bobby turns on a vibrating bed and sits on it and sings that in a shaky voice. man, it's hilarious.)

i can't stop watching one tree hill. mainly to make fun of it, but also because it's fun to make fun of. it's the stupidest teen dramedy i've seen since summerland. and believe me, i've watched 'em all.

wow, i'm kinda pathetic. sitting here updating my weblog. whatever. depressed kid wore a pink tshirt today, so i'm not too bad. i did too. but his said 'tough guys wear pink', and mine's just a white polo with pink stripes. and i've got far too much jewellery and glitter on. maybe it's covering up everything like the eyeliner or the cuts, i don't know. i can only guess at my subconscious.

i'm not a depressed kid.


(don't look now)

damn you, o'sullivan! jepoardizing our chances! [09 Nov 2004|03:16pm]
stupid idiot. firstly, excuses. you have to practise rugby to be good at it, stupid. secondly, no d'arcy. there it is. when you have a player like d'arcy, you use him every chance you get, and you don't put him on the bench just 'cause the game doesn't seem to be much of a threat, which it didn't, but then we lost. sorry, just read that. also got to the premiership table and hahahahahaha dad! man utd are in... wait for it... wait for it... seventh place!! yes! and guess where arsenal are? yup. second. ha ha ha ha ha ha! bet uncle paul and uncle david are dancing. i sent dad a very sarcastic email.


(1 glance | don't look now)

bla bla bla bla bla BLAH! so there! [05 Nov 2004|11:53am]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | fallout boy - the patron saint of liars and fakes ]

did i ever write that title on this computer before? 'cause all i types was 'bla' and it came down for me. weird.

so, yea. bored. pissed off at mom, but what else is new? holy CRAP, she's such a fucking psycho. listen to this... so you know measure 36. gay marriage and all that. (i did not know elaine was gay!) so i opposed it because i didn't see who got hurt by letting gay people get married. just like everyone else with a decent human heart. my mother, on the other hand, opposed measure 36 because she felt that if they wanna be together, they should have to go through all the paperwork and shit that she has to do to get divorced. how fucking crazy is that? personally, i don't think you should go vote trying to hurt people isntead of help them. i think that's a really fucked up way to think.


(don't look now)

you constantly make it impossible to make conversation. [04 Nov 2004|02:28pm]
sorry about that last post. i was out of sorts. the only thing that really scared me was the drinking since i don't drink at all ('cause alcohol tastes like vomit) and i never want to.

anyway. been bored. louie passed my fucking level in yoshi's island, which pissed me off only because i always say 'don't do my level for me. i want to do it myself.' every fucking time i say it, and what does he do? damn little boys.

have to babysit henry tonight. would be more than happy, except that the oc is starting tonight! i hate that i love that show but i love that show! and of course henry's not gonna like watching a teen dramedy, but i couldn't care less. whatever.

so i joined this website and just wrote about everything that's happening to me, and i feel so much.. i don't know, i hate to sound like a chick bur cleaner and better. and whatever. it's dumb.


(don't look now)

the post everyone should stay away from [02 Nov 2004|03:26pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | brand new - failure by design ]

somebody fucking shoot me. shoot me in the fucking head. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. and it's come at the best possible time, just as i'm actually getting myself the fuck together. god. fuck fuck fuck. let me explain - MY MOTHER IS HAVING SEX. she is looking for a long term relationship. she fucking promised. well, let's list her broken promises.

1. 'i promise me and your dad will never get divorced.'
2. 'i'll take it slow on the dating scene, okay?'
3. 'and there won't be any sleepovers.'

those are big fucking promises to break! god! she's always one step ahead of me. when i'm getting used to living away from dad, she's dating. but lying about it. when i get used to her dating, she's having sex. and lying about it.
she's such a fucking liar.
i thought i was bad - god. i was just starting to get it together, too. that's the part that gets me. fuck. i was actually starting to do homework, getting some sort of confidence to make some fucking friends, only cutting when i got really really low, but no. somebody fucking shoot me.

last night, while drunk, alone, bleeding in my room, i thought, 'i wish i could just die.' i've never thought that. i've said it to myself, but i never really meant it, i think.

which is why i'm counting down the days until i can move in with dad. i want him to move here. i was bored 'cause i couldn't sleep one night, so i made myself a wish list of all the things i want. after i looked over it, really the only things that aren't related to me living with dad were for jake/jacob to have the hugest crush on me and an unlimited source of money. and the tspark. it was like, 'merc for dad, apartment for dad, job for dad, tspark, money, jake/jacob.' that's really all it was. i want my dad to move here and i want to move in with him. i can picture what i want to say to my mother.

me: 'i'm moving in with dad. fulltime.'
her: 'but you'll be right here. you're spending one week with him and then one with me, okay?'
me: 'no. i'm living with dad.'
her: 'but what about me?'
me: 'look, you had us all to yourself for a whole year. it's dad's turn.'
her: 'but i'll never see my baby.'
me: 'oh, you'll see me on holidays and we'll talk on the phone all the time.'

that last line's my favorite, 'cause it's the one she used on us to make the move seem okay. which it fucking isn't. (nothing to say besides...) and i have this stupid little daydream, like i have with everyone i know, pretty much, of me walking out of school, just going down the stairs, and there's dad. scratching his chin, looking down at the ground, waiting for me. it almost makes me cry. i miss you so much, you really have no idea.

i'm always missing something. it's yucky. first it was the baby, now it's dad. i need to shut up and stop being such a baby. besides, i've got a LOT of the bean trees to read. stupid book.


(don't look now)

ho hum, researchin' mental crap [01 Nov 2004|11:59am]
[ mood | geeky ]
[ music | rancid - the way i feel about you ]

so, yea. weekend rocked.

friday: got centipede onto computer (BOOYAH) and played for quite awhile. i'm up to where i was before i moved. me and evie went to see shark tale (i pimped yo' hide, yo!) and mommy saw the grudge. which she said scared the shit out of her. which is damn right. sarah had a sleepover with all her little what-now-biznatch friends.. woohoo... and was rendered hostage on saturday morning.

saturday: and have been cartoon-deprived for god knows how long. went to see the nightmare before christmas in the clinton, which was awesome. it's fifteen times better on the big screen. went with owen, louie, vi, sarah and evie. mom went to a party. (by the way, she keeps insisting she doesn't want a relationship with this dude she's seeing. then why the hell would she go to his family's birthday party, tell me?? i know why. sarah does too, she said she overheard mom telling a.s. about it. damn her. so owen and louie slept over, and it was like i was ten again. it was so great, i can't even begin to explain. we stayed up late, watched snl (although i don't remember any of it), i played centipede and screamed at the computer 'til kingdom come. we drank too much soda. we watched edward scissorhands. sarah went to bed early and watched the parent trap in her room (loser).

sunday: HALLOWEEN! went to hosford with owen and louie in the morning. hung out, talked about shit, was good clean fun. a.s. came to pick them up - they were gonna hang out with will, a.s. 'n' mom 'n' erin's stepbrother, whom i have met about twice and don't remember. i'd like to meet him, just as i'd have liked to have known grampa dick. but hey, if it isn't gonna happen, it isn't gonna happen. went trick or treating with (let's see if i can remember), vinnie, vi, owen, louie, matilda, caitlin, tiernan and that's it i think. it was cool. i got a lot of candy. then we were gonna watch dawn of the dead and we had to leave before i could see alex zane in zombie drag running through the mall trying to kill sarah polley. sniff.

that's about it. the only defining feature of today is that i'm on a slight sugar high, i'm starving, and i'm making myself give up on (hope no one's reading over my shoulder) jake/jacob.


(don't look now)

ARRRGH [27 Oct 2004|03:53pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | something corporate - fall ]

goddamn net nanny. aaaanywho. jake/jacob. yuuuuuuuuuuum. he's not a red sox fan! GOD! now he's gonna say he finds sprite to be a kiddie's drink or (gasp!) he doesn't like rugby. no hannah, don't think about that. just keep it cool. don't think about that. how could he possibly not like rugby?! or the red sox? god. well, i suppose i could look it over. just for that hair. so all i have to do is have days where we actually have conversations and i'll be good. 'hey now, the straw dog's out in the street.' i think i'm the only person over twelve that likes something corporate. oh well. 'there's chemicals in the clouds. they're calling all the police. but they won't get to us anyhow.' i'm so juvenile. hip hip HOORAY!

so last night i got pretty screwed up. you know what would take my mind off everything?! a BOYFRIEND. i get so wrecked thinking about how 'stressed' mom is (well, she is, but anyway) and how awful dad must feel. i mean, how the fuck would she feel if graymoo died and we were leaving the next week? she wouldn't feel nothin', 'cause she's got her family. dad doesn't! it's thoughts like these that make me want to go back. it's only thoughts like these, though. ew, retarded car. sorry. anyway. the thing that would be best for me is for him to move here and for me to move in with him full-time. but he loves ireland and it's mean to take him away. i mean, it's like me and san francisco. (not california.. i've gotten over ca... sniff.) and i couldn't so that to daddy. all his family's over there. why the fuck should he have to suffer anymore than he already does? i want him to move here and have me live with him. we could eat red pesto and watch kill bill and the simpsons and read ross o'carroll kelly 'til kingdom come. god that sounds like heaven.

this is the decision: the life i like or the daddy i'll be miserable without. NOT a good decision for a hormonal teen, do you think.


(don't look now)

ARRRRGH [24 Oct 2004|09:21pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | the holiday plan - stories/sunshine ]

so with this new 'net nanny' crap, i can post and log in and shit, but i can't actually LOOK at my own goddamn journal. how freakin' stupid is that?! god.

week in review:

monday: typical day. had fun with shock tarts.

tuesday: depressed like shit for most of it. mainly just feeling bad for myself because i was sure jake/jacob didn't like me, and i couldn't stop thinking about how dad has no one to ask how his day went or make unreasonable demands the second he walks in the door, which i find immeasurably sad. then a boy remembered who i am, so i felt better.

wednesday: good day. not bad, not amazing. just good.

thursday: BEST DAY EVER. had kickass time surveying division avec partner (john), and had fun telling my sister's teacher 'woody' to tell her i'd said lots of embarassing things about her, although i really didn't. i should have said she wet the bed or something. i also learned that i actually, totally, 100%, satisfyingly IS me instead of hailey. BOOyah! hollaaaaa. i was being such an annoying fuck but hey, he looked at me for longer that is polite, so i'm happy.

friday: don't really remember, for some odd reason. maybe i had too many painkillers... hahaha. just four. slept over and vi 'n' vinnie's. watched van helsing (already seen it... cool but stoopid plot), an american werewolf in london (cooooooool) and a movie i can't remember. went shopping with mom 'n' sara 'n' evie instead of going to la cruda, which i'd really wanted to do, but it's better that i went with them, 'cause i got sick at red robin and only ate about a third of my burger, which is weird. my eating patterns have been changing for some reason. i get a stomachache from like three fritos, after having been starving for two hours. it's so dumb.

i also rented the simpson's fourth season and they gave me FOUR DISCS! it was awesome. i fell asleep halfway through the second one though. hmph. sara got a cinderella story. she says it's 'cause of chad michael murray. i know better.


saturday: good day. had sleep over with vi and vinnie.

(don't look now)

mleffuh... i HATE homecoming. [15 Oct 2004|03:07pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | brand new - okay i believe you but my tommy gun don't ]

ew ew ew EW. so i was at the pep rally (thank JESUS i'd asked brekka if i could go with her, i'd have been really fucking alone) and watching the cheerleaders 'dance', if that's what you call it. then i look across to the other bleachers and i see this guy from my science class doing some weird drumming thing. 'cool,' i think. he'd be good with drums, being insane and not being literate in any way. so then i look up at all the other musicians and who do i see but IT, staring right at me. EWWWW. he's so fucking gross. his lips are all cracked and chapped all the time and he doesn't close his mouth so they're like hanging all over his face. and his nose is huge and he's got braces and his mouth makes too much spit. and his hair is all curly and not pretty curly. i can get with greasy-curly if it's the correct length and thickness. nope. his is short and really thick and dripping. uuuuugh. i can feel him staring at me all the time and it creeps me OUT.

but anyway. got a big babysitting thing tonight with (i think) henry, theo, aidan and cian. cian and henry are the only for-sures. i'm getting so much goddamn money it's sweet. gameboy advance here i fucking come! oh yea. hollaaaaaaaa. sorry, i can't stop saying that.

you know what's a great name for the name game? jacob. it kicks ass in the name game. i know, 'coincidence', but i think that and casey and kitty work really well. there's gotta be two syllables or it' completely redundant. jacob jacob bo bacob banana fana fo facob me mi mo macob jacob. i'm such a fucking teenager.


(don't look now)

buh-HORED [12 Oct 2004|11:47am]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | brand new - failure by design ]

the saddest thing is this is what i look forward to, having no friends and all. except the damn librarian took my fritos.

news...news...news... it's also sad that i have no news. homecoming's on friday. i mention it in a spirit of couldn't-care-any-less, not in a wooHOO homecoming yay i can dance and wear a sparkly fucking dress and be chipper and perky and let a bo i don't even like ask me so i can go with someone. eugh. it makes me sick. though i did find the perfect dress for the winter formal.

sara and me were shopping at the mall and we got bored and moneyless so we went into mariposa to try on dresses we'd never buy. we pretended it was for 'marion's' wedding. hahaha. anyway, i made her try on this white picnic dress with cherries on it that looked cute on her and she made me try on this cut up pink fluffy dress that's actually amazing. it was just the right ludicrous shade of pink and it looked pretty on me. and the zipper was STUCK, it would have gone up if it hadn't been stuck. and it was only $160. i'll never afford it. i've already given up on it. but it was so pretty.

gonna buy a gameboy advance with this week's paycheck. you can buy 'em at this cd.game exchange for thirty bucks, which is what i have, and you can get games there for like five bucks. hollaaaaaa. (owen's such a fucker, one day when he was mad at everything he said, 'don't say that. it doesn't suit you.' fuck yea it doesn't suit me, that's the point you dumbass. and the one day hepunched me in the arm because i wouldn't stop singing 'rip it up' - razorlight - when he told me to. like the fucking world revolves around him or something, officious little prick.) anyway.

i want the holiday plan's cd so much it's actually dissolving my stomach. well, that might be the extra stomach acid from NOT HAVING EATEN, goddamn you! stupid librarian.


(don't look now)

back backity back back [11 Oct 2004|02:59pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | green day - minority ]

yea, bored. well, not really, just procrastinating as much as is humanly possible. i have this stupid project. and apparently i'm not doing so hot in health. i really couldn't care less, to be perfectly honest. well, i care just a little at the beginning, but after that it's, 'who gives a fuck.'

my mother asked me how i was doing. goddamn her. she shouldn't be allowed to send me to therapy AND ask me that shit. it's not fair. that's right. i thought i was in the clear, but noooooo. oh no. 'what are the worst and best things about portland?' i tried to say, 'dad and co-ed schooling' but a word isn't enough, it's gotta be a full sentence. fucking hell. i hate this shit!


(don't look now)

title pending [04 Oct 2004|11:49am]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | less than jake - just like frank ]

not much. i hate that it says 'event'. i've never got anything to say, goddamnit. painted my nails. wrote 'inflammatory' on my arm. am wearing bright yellow polo and feel AMAZING while doing so. this tshirt freaking rules. i've stopped spazzing over IT but it's still freaking me out. i can't even avoid the dude. i mean GOD. been having a pretty good day though, apart from the fact that i'm kinda sick and don't have any lunch. and i have to ride the bus with IT to go to kara's today. goddamn. i just say that alot 'cause i'm not allowed to say it in reality.

listening to less than jake. oh yea! hollaaaaaa! and i got new headphones since my old ones broke. *sob* oh i found this radio show 'passport approved' on 94.7 which is only british mushc - hell YES. they even had zane lowe of gonzo on yesterday but i mised it 'cause of mummy's birthday. it's alright. sundays at sux. gotta remember that. is best radio show. they played portobella from breaking point. and i don't know who won that but i hope to god it was the holiday plan. i mean, they were already half-signed to the goddamn label! they deserved it! plus they freaking rule.


(don't look now)

HOLY FUCK [01 Oct 2004|06:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | tell that mick he just made my list of things to do today ]

okay, it's not like it's the end of the world, but it's got me all stressed out and i've got a stomachache, goddamnit! it's important to me. so anyway, you remember that guy who repulses me? he asked me the fuck out. yea. i know. and i don't want to hurt his feelings or anything, but then again i don't even want to be around him, let alone go out on a date with him! ugh fuck. he was like, 'hey hannah, what are you doing on thursday?' cause he knew i'd already made my excuse about the weekend, so he was trying for the week. and the guy beside him said, 'ooh, that sounds like a date.' and he goes: 'yea.' HOLY FUCK. and i don't want to hurt his feelings or anything, i don't want to be a huge bitch, it's just i really do not want to go anywhere with him EVER. so i had to distract myself and look away and mumble, 'i don't know, it's so far in the future,' and because i certainly didn't look happy or anything i hope he's taken it as a BIG FUCKING NO. i've been walking very quickly in between classes with my head down so if we pass i can pretend like i didn't see him. holy FUCK. i feel so shaky and jittery and bad about it. ugh. fuck.


(don't look now)

na na na na na this is a DISASTEEEEEER [30 Sep 2004|08:08am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | home grown - brand new ]

meh. nothing much. a boy invited me to go to an arcade as friends and when he asked me i could stand him and now i really can't and it's eating away at me. really. i can't stand myself for not being able to stand him. it's everything i ever hated and it's become me. why the fuck can't i take this? i've got a ready-made excuse and everything, but i still feel bad about it. it's clear he like-likes me but i can't stand being around him. it's shallow, yes, but he's so ugly and his voice is just so grating. it's like that guy from alkaline trio, not the lead singer but the other gu that sings on practically every fucking track. his voice feels like that material that makes your skin feel dirty when you touch it.

i'm in the library because i forgot today was tutorial and so i've got like two hours to kill. woohoo. i'd rather be asleep in bed. i like forced myself out of bed, slapped some eyeliner and some clothes on and left without breakfast and for WHAT?? empty halls, that's what. goddamn.

these two girls in health the other day, we had to get a partner to draw their emotion and they were parntners. (my emotion was apathy, by the way.) one said, 'my emotion is pain, because that's what i feel right now.' and the other one said, 'mine's depression because i'm depressed. i try to hide it but...' it's so goddamn SAD is what i think. everybody's depressed and everybody cuts themselves and it's so awful it makes me want to scream. (i've pretty much stopped the cutting! woohoo!)


(don't look now)

bla bla bla bla bla BLAH! so there! [27 Sep 2004|03:12pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | heart-shaped box - nirvana ]

yea, at school. super bored and have no friends so am on library computer illegally using it for personal pleasure. hey, wait, that didn't comeo ut right...

bored bored bored. have to do a report on mental health and it woulda been cool but no two people can do the same frickin' report so i got stuck with antisocial disorder. it's actually kinda cool but i would have rather done ocd. that's what i wanted but some jerkoff got it. craphead.

well that's about it. except that my mother's DATING. fuck her. she can't date. i know dad isn't dating. bitch. whatever. she 'deserves' a break.

I MISSED THE ALL-IRELAND!! aaahh! i slept over at owen and louie's (we slept on the trampoline outside - it was cool) and when i got up at like 10 mom said, 'you missed the game' and it was frustrating, more so than ANYTHING else. mainly 'cause i'd got upat seven a.m. on saturday to log onto kerryradio.com to listen to it only it was te wrong goddamn day. goddamnit.

well, that's it.


(don't look now)

well well well. welly welly welly. wellity wellity wellity. [25 Sep 2004|08:38am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | mixtape - brand new ]

i feel like writing out lyrics again. sorry.

i've got a twenty dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. you're always made up. and i'm sick of your tattoos and the way you always criticise the smiths, and morrisey. and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. but when i say 'let's keep in touch', i really mean 'i wish that you'd grow up'. this is the first song from your mixtape, and it's short just like your temper. somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool. i've got a twenty dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. you're always made up. and i'm sick of your tattoos and the way you don't appreciate brand new, or me. and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. but when i say 'let's keep in touch', i really mean 'i wish that you'd grow up'. this is the first song from your mixtape, and it's short just like your temper. somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool. blah blah blah... yeah, but i wish you were my shadow.

i can't get enough of your favorite weapon! i honestly can't!

well i have a friend for every class at school, which is good, but sadly no concrete people to eat lunch with. i've eaten lunch by myself every day except the second when i ate with a girl called catia who's really cool and cuts like you wouldn't BELIEVE. i mean, i can hide it, but the only way she can is if she wears long sleeves on both arms. and like three days ago with this guy called ariel (heehee... i know... it's pronounced ah-riel) and his pretty friend, i don't remember what his name was. and i've got an attractive male in almost every class, too. i think ariel likes me, and i've seen this guy called jacob looking at me when we pass in the halls (we're not exactly 'friends' but not enemies, so we don't talk or anything) and in class and shit, but i could just be hyperactive since the only boys i've been around for three months (no... FOUR YEARS) are my cousins, ian, mike, and dad. yup. so i might just be dreaming about nothing. everyone in my school is so thin and i just don't fucking CARE so i guess i've got one hell of a disadvantage. whatever. i'd prefer to be myself and content that superskinny and neurotic. it's pathetic. whatever. apathy is the best policy, that's what i always say. i'm the one person in the whole wide world that really doesn't care whether bush or kerry wins. the only way it relates to me is my mom will mope around (as will the entire population of portland) for a month if bush wins. i'm not on pension, i don't pay for healthcare. so it doesn't directly relate to me. i'm the only person that will admit to that. it's so 'cool' to care right now. and sadly i'm the least cool person i know. that's why i like mixtape. i just like the line 'i'm sick of your tattoos and the way you don't appreciate brand new, or me.' i like it when bands refer to themselves as bands. don't know why. i'm strange. sorry.


ps there's a yellowcard/the starting line concert sometime in october and i can't go. well, my mother said, 'if there's gonna be twelve year olds there' (i used that as a defense since there would be because everyone so much cooler than me here), 'we might all go.' there is no GODDAMN WAY i am going to my first concert with my mother. uuuuuugh. i miss daddy.

pps if anyone who stumbles mistakenly in here knows anyone that would make a pretty layout for me, i would be heavily indebted to them and the layout maker. peace.

(don't look now)

hey journal!! waah i missed thee [24 Sep 2004|10:21pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]
[ music | brand new - sudden death in carolina ]

yo. so anyways. life's good. started school. i have one/two friends for each class and i have a feeling that two boys have teenyweeny crushes on me. not sure though. but that's alright if they don't. i'm taking a computers class and HOLY FUCK are cascading sheets confusing. whatever. i prefer html anyway.

got, let's see, razorlight and brand new's first album and fallout boy and another green day and the new taking back sunday (i heart taking back sunday) and that starting line ep that's acoustic (i canNOT listen to the best of me acoustically.... it's just wrong) and something corporate and thirteen on dvd (hell YES!!). and some other stuff. it was my borthday on tuesday, you see.

haven't seeen barney (my therapist) since before dad visited, which was like a month ago! woohoo! but mom said she was gonna contact him next wekk. hmph. damn her. whatever. maybe it's better. i don't know. i stoppped trying to cut once i started seeing him and then when i got my candyland box i continued and now i can't stop. again. yay. it's not fair is what it is. not fucking fair. okay, now stop whining hannah and talk about something interesting.

radio's much better here. people here are so much cooler than me. i don't have a problem with being uncool usually, it's just that i'm a wannabe here! i'm the normal kid in a school full of weird ones and i can't fucking stand it! i've seriouslyconsidered moving back to ireland to live with dad more than once. we don't even have VEGETABLE OIL here! who the fuck doesn't have vegetable oil, for the love of god!? jeezus. i couldn't even make my borthday cake correctly. it was a mix and i had to use half canola oil and then i ran out of that and i had to use oilve oil. i mean, come on. and then i ran out of that and i had to melt butter in the microwave we don't have. (i did it on the stove.)

I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. i'm uncool and sad and bring you down and you're only trying to help. shut up. i'm sorry. (can the randomness BE any worse?) i've watched too many episodes of dr. phil to not know what to do with myself right now. whatever. shut up hannah. bla bla bla....

there's this guy in my french class, i swear to god the boy has the most AMAZING shade of hair color. it's this gorgeoud crossbreed of natural red and orange. it's amazing, i can't stop staring at it. and hjis eyebrows are black and he's in a band (who are playing at the miaow-miaow tomorrow night only I CAN'T GO) and he's pretty. i think his name is corey. he's in my 'dialogue group'. mmm. okay, stop being so girly and shut up.

i'm sorry if i don't come back. it's not intentionally. if you need to blame someone, try my mom.


last night, i swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning i threw up fire. but it's nothing new, i've been pieceing it together it's got something to do with every look thrown like a dagger across a crowded room and every slow and quiet drive is pent drinking in the backseat and every stupid melody from every stupid song and every stupid word that everybody's hanging on. what difference does this differece in age make? i know how it ends, so kill me quick. call 911. i'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess. call homicide. take the case to court. her lips taste like a loaded gun and i'm her number one chalk outline on the floor.

(2 glances | don't look now)

alright [21 Jul 2004|03:22pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | taking back sunday - the blue channel ]

it's been awhile. again.

met my therapist yesterday. his name is barney. he doesn't really have any hair. he made me cry a couple times but it was okay. i get to meet him again on tuesday. he asked me what i wasnt to happen as a consequence of counselling and i honestly do not know what the fuck i want. my mother made me go there. i want to be left alone and i have to open up to a mid-fifties guy who doesn't know me and put down ?!?!?! in the suicidal box. and that's all i can think about. i'm not suicidal, am i? god i hope not.


regardless if my pictures, if they don't line your mirror. regardless, you know that i'll still wait for your call. honestly, if this is the last time that i see you, i'll still wait for your call.

(don't look now)

i'm around again... not for long though [10 Jul 2004|11:38am]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | razorlight - golden touch ]

alright, so hannah's back, but because today's my last day in ireland (bye daddy... *sob*) i probably won't be back for awhile. just letting whoever checks this out that i AM here and whenever i get the chance i'm gonna update. i like my blurty a little too much, you might say.

all the cousins are over.. my idiot sister made me sleep on the couch last night... had one of those shitty nights where you can't sleep and it's like fate sorta pitted the odds against you... sarah jean my friend gave me a present of lots of badges and a pink necklace. all very pretty but she packaged it in a coffin... apologized, said it was insensitive under the circumstances but she'd had it for me for awhile... uhm, what else is new... want razorlight and billy talent cds... especially razorlight... but i'm broke and can't find it in portland... sulk... i saw a girl with the golden touch, you can have it all but not too much... sorry i loooove golden touch. is best song ever... evie got lice and proceeded to sleep in MY bed so i won't get it... mary stripped my room of all that made it mine and so it is a hollow former shell of what it once was... damn mary... my mother's sending me to fucking THERAPY... and not just any goddamn therapy, oh no. half assed ones with college interns. yay.


and well all they know is how to put you down. when you're there with your friends but no, no one is around. it seems they know all, but i know what that means. well it means, they're just jealous. they'll never do the things that they wish that they could do so well.

ps yes i made up most of those lyrics. i don't know the whole chorus, okay? i haven't heard it in awhile.

(3 glances | don't look now)

i'm 'new', well, not really... [08 Jul 2004|02:15pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | classic fm tv *yawn* ]

...alright, procrastinatrix has died. yes, it's sad. so i've created oh_look_pie. she's fun too, i guess. whatever.

alright, i can't stay long, and i'm sorry to anyone who came and found nothing new to read. it's been sorta... alright, really really shitty for awhile and i haven't had any internet access.

let's make a list, shall we?

-got caught stealing a ring, a goddamn measly ring and they told my parents (but not the pigs, thank GOD)
-my mother found out about the cutting and has taken my blades (though alot of them are on the container so i have something to look forward to.)
-my grandfather died.

yep, all in a few weeks. i've been sorta not seeing the point of living for awhile, but i wanna try portland on for size since i feel strangely secure there. i miss pop. i'm in ireland now and i've seen my father cry more times than a girl should in her lifetime. i feel so bad for having to leave him again. he's got nobody once the relations leave. we're gone, pop's gone... god i think i'm gonna cry. and i haven't written anything in FOREVER since i haven't been near a computer in FOREVER and i'm about to explode and i just sorta feel like... going to sleep forever. i know. i'm a freak. i'll shut up now. sorry to anyone who cares enough to check my journal. i meant to update and i worry about those of yo like me.


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