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the not-so anonymous but cruel intentioned couple. [11 Feb 2004|09:57pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Modest Mouse_ Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset ]

ohhh the superficiality of this brentwood bubble i currently live in. i recently discovered the superficiality of the people i surround myself with,which i must say is quite upsetting they are more just mere acquaintances or what have you.
but honestly, its disgusting.
Ill explain- for example crowding around in a teacher's room to read someone's "narcisitic"((i believed mr.[oh yes mr.] anonymous put it) view of a friday night and sit around and have everyone gawk and overanalyze and pick at every phrase. Then add a clever yet cruel, but not disheartening comment, only because it comes from someone with no heart or scruples. I would describe him, or mr.anonymous (who i have found has shared many thoughts on my journal) as the one that strives so hard to be 'emo' and different and 'hardas*' as possible, a transparent fasod, and fails and falls on his face repeatedly and literally. Not to mention constantly talking about fabricated tripping, intoxicated, under the influence stories, and complaining about the horrible nights he's driven himself to where he finds himself too drunk to drive his pitiful self home,and who(not suprisingly) no one sympathizes for. he is someone that can't even find himself, much less his as*hole from a hole in the ground.
Mm..Then there is the seemingly innocent accomplice who has been a false steadfast companion throughout the years. The one that is so disgustingly worried about the way people think, that she would go to the trouble of picking out her *outfit of the day* the night before, overly self motivated and pushing everyone that has ever been close to her away because of her self-centered mindset and superior egotistical tone and 'all bark no bite' looks.
Honestly, im sick of it all. I'm sick of having friends that reek of christian hypocrites. So quick to put judgement on others and talk about others and point out others flaws but did they ever step back to look at their own, you think you don't have them? You are all sadly mistaken. Too afraid to say what you want to someone's face you have to post it an anonymous comment on a blurty? Get a backbone you spineless excuse of a man and say the meaningless load of b.s. you say to everyone else to my face instead of creating a riot in 8th period study hall and then waving and smiling to me in the hall. Haha and the fact that i even asked "who would write such a thing" and a certain girl so scared of confrontation who can't even look me in the eyes to say "i don't know..bla bla." oh really you don't know, that's funny because it was your boyfriend, or exboyfriend, on again off again emo companion or.. wait whatever he is to you this week. you know there is this saying in spanish "Nomienta" or "don't lie" ... maybe that's something yall should write a poem about or sit and ponder about when you are stoned, drunk or 'tripping' and 'gather your thoughts' about or what not. Because you know what, that reality check i was talking about that was right around the corner, well this is it, im around the corner, and i was asked to say 'hello' to a certain someone when i came to my reality.. so Hello Cody James! and thanks for all your anonymous thoughts.
and um, oh by the way how does it feel to be completely and totally called out?
you can ask yourself that after you are done reading it to everyone outloud in a certain teacher's class.

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.. i'm standing where the ground meets the sky [09 Feb 2004|11:00pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | Sparta_Collapse ]

i feel like everything is moving so fast but still in slow motion. I don't know if that makes any sense and it probably doesn't, but in my mind it fits so work with me.
i don't know how to describe it, but its sort of like this- so much is going on right now,not just with my senior year, but just life in general and the emotions and thoughts that are all residing in the hearts of every 17 or 18 year old. I mean the months and the days seem to all mesh even though the 7 pointless hours spend at school seem like an eternity and the only thought that gets me through the day is that 'this is almost over'. I mean goodness, there has to be more than this...
ah..well, with that said i found this old cd that brightened up my day immensely. It had some old OutKast, Dave, Incubus andd someother mess i don't even know but it was hippy-ish and made me glad and went well with my strawberry/banana/apricot smoothie i made. So i sat on my windowseat and stared at the grayness of the sky and listened to it on repeat while i did pyschology AP and everything just felt dry and gloomy.
I've decided that these months are the months when it feels like nothing can go right, when everything just sort of stands still or falls apart, its a make or break period i think. And so far, i'm bitterly making it, but making it none the less.
I think i need to do something that would liven up these dead, colorless months.
I saw my friend Sarah Richey's hair the other weekend and fell in love because she is just such a bright beam of *new and fresh* and i want a beam of hers or something.
But i will figure all that out after i go do baskets, and barrels, and bundles and bunches of laundry after a quickie shower, and i think i have cancer on my leg? grreat.

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..so much more than a fairytale [08 Feb 2004|12:49am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Lunahalo- Haunted ]

...i wish i could go back to the 'twirling skirts' days, sitting in the sandbox talking to my G.I. Joes with pink curlers in my hair, running through the sprinklers in the summer, climbing the tree in my front yard, going on adventures in the "forbidden valley",playing house and marrying the boy from across the street everyday, when my best friends were my stuffed animals that never missed a tea party. I remember when i was little i thought things would be so much different than they are today, and i thought life was always going to be this easy; i mean my biggest quandry was after my nap whether to go to the swimming pool or ride bikes. _So i guess this is what growing up is all about...looking back on the days where everything is surrounded by a innocent haze and all you needed was your imagination.
Now, all you want is someone to share the memories with and make the rest of your days easier, but it seems every day approaching that 'someone' of mine gets further and further from me. I hope that this isn't how happily ever after was meant to be.

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the lovely sleepy brown-eyed girl [08 Feb 2004|12:37am]
[ mood | refreshed ]
[ music | Mae-Skyline Drive ]

the sun woke me up this morning at 8 and my mother's screeching voice telling me about some arm and hamor/shampoo paste i need to put in my hair. i can't really remember what she said, but something to that effect. anyhow, i finally got up and started to get ready for church. So after going wayy out of my way to get a "Fresh Now Bagel" -from Bruegger's Bagel i headed towards Franklin for church. Church was really exciting today. Me, John, Steve and Naomi all sat together and we were sitting behind the cutest married couple ever, with the most precious babies, i think i fell in love with that family, and im pretty sure i was paying more attention to them then the message-Oops, but the message was on money, and i don't have any so i didn't really need to listen. I saved the day at church because Naomi thought she dropped a $100 in the parking lot, so after two trips out in the parking lot during the service i looked through her Bible and found it in the book of 'Joel'. After church i took a really short trip down memory lane and headed home back into my hermit shell better known as my room in my bed. Erica suprisingly showed up and took a nap with me and we played and talked about what a scary time this is right now. And how we need to cherish these last few months with the people we love the most. I felt like today, when looking back on things that have happened in my life totally fit in place now. And don't get me wrong i'm not so particularly proud of everything i've done, but it's apart of my life and i believe it helped form me into the woman that i'm becoming. And i don't want the people who i love the most to miss out on that. You know what- now could possibly be the most crucial time to prove people wrong and mature quickly. I feel like i have to essentially set my priorities in stone and be determined and disciplined, this is where i turn my life around... again, but stronger and different.
Solitude is important during these times, but only in moderation. I must say i really have enjoyed my own company lately, and that of my family; especially my brother, whose coolness over the years has been discounted.But he is the best, and one of my top priorities is spending as much time as i can getting to know him and getting those years back that were wasted not being spent with him.
I also have this strong feeling that something amazing is about to happen, and all i really have to do is just sit back and wait- and that is such a refreshing thought.
I must say that my life for many years, the short years i have lived, hasn't really ever made complete sense. But in the wake of a natural disaster, like heartache you realize how things fall in place and inevitably change and somehow just "fit'.
"this wasn't a dream, this was my life unfolding and you've watched me grow up and climb the highest tree and speak of the things we thought were so impossible, like falling in love and taking long drives down this road to nowhere with only the company of the sky you colored blue, everything is so clear i thought this was life for me and you... no, this wasn't just a dream, this was our dreams coming true."

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..bittersweet cacophony [06 Feb 2004|04:48pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Maps ]

Last night i was home alone. No friends or family, just me. I did a little grocery shopping (being at Krogers at 7o'clock is mildly depressing) and some easy cooking - I had a steak dinner, with shrimp, baked potatoe and salad and ate at the dinner table all solo, and just to feel more pitiful i lit the candles at the table just so i could say " i had a candlelit dinner alone." After all that I felt completely exhausted.All i did earlier was put Megan together for Progressive Dinner, and if i do say so myself, she looked smashing! So i decided after a hards day of work of making others beautiful i felt as if a bubble bath was in order. So After a long honey-creme bruele bubble bath adorned with sea spray candles and Dove chocolate covered strawberries ((i made by myself)) i watched Fools Rush In and When Harry Met Sally. I must say that last night was a classic single-but longing for "the one that got away" night. I was in my sweats and wife beater with my hair up and glasses and dog slippers. Not to mention i spent the entire night underneath my down comforter with my book- Wild at Heart, the tissue box and like a million different scented candles that all mixed and meshed together and formed the most amazing scent ever. I could end my night there, but it wouldn't be as fun if i didn't share my realizations!
So after all was said and done i decided to have a heart to heart with God. This took place on my windowseat, which i like to believe is the most spiritual part of the whole house, but maybe only because there is a window there? Anyway, i just wrote and kind of thought out loud. I realized that the plans that God have for me are so much more immaculate than the things that are going on in my life right now, that these things are just little testers. I also realized how soft God has made my heart and I'm so extremely thankful for that. I would also have to say, even though there may not be a unanimous agreement on this, that i feel a lot more calm and serene. I think last night was something that i could totally get hung up on and be like "that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life, alone and sad", but i feel really at peace with the whole situation. I believe that God joined me for dinner last night. As cliche as that might sound, honestly, we worked through some things last night and discovered the strength that i had all along but was replaced by fear. I also discovered that God, just like i should always do is guarding my intimate relationship with Him jealously, and He wanted me to be solely focused on Him.
And things couldn't make better sense...
"There is something else I am after, out here in the wild. I am searching for an even more elusive prey... something that can be found through the help of wilderness.
I am looking for my heart."

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Mmm.. i still taste it. [05 Feb 2004|04:09pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | Sunny Day Realestate_ So They Say These Things Are True ]

I love Fridays, who cares if its raining and gray outside- i woke up to get ready for school turned on the news and found out we are sooo out of school for flooding! So of course, that just made my day.THEN around 7ish Megan calls and is all "i'm coming over to sleep. From 7 until 1:30ish my phone does not stop ringing. I finally had to put it under my pillow. I would fall into a deep sleep and then my phone would go off, singing that stupid chingy song "stop drop kaboom baby rub on your..(ya know)" it was drivin' me nuts. So one way or another Megan got me up and we decided to make breakfast and get ready for the day. And then little Bia Bia Chelsea calls and we got plans for tonight! So me and Megan seperate for a little bit, get ready meet back up to go shopping, watch the Brentwood girls dance at the basketball game and then book it to Chelsea's. We got over there, got all glammed up and i help put everyone together! We felt so hot! Andd i'm walking out in my little lace bra(thinking there is only girls at home) and guess who i see? Um, boy from the O.C. just standing in there talking to Momma Lori. I was like uhhh??I about died, but he was very nice about it and gave me a really sweet compliment, that was needed. But then we were off to Jackson's to get some food, cause we were starvin! So we get to Jackson's and Chelsea with her eagle eye spots Nate Barlowe the lead singer of Luna Halo who just 2 weeks ago was playing the Rockstar roll at his show while singing and ever-so-often glancing at me.Which was nice. But tonight,totally changed things. We're sitting there at dinner and these annoying guys behind us would just not leave us alone, or stop smoking their near deadly cigars and making comments about my hip size...eyahh- anyway so Cary calls. And i'm like im pretty sure your brother is here at Jackson's and Cary is all go over there and give him the phone and im like "uh, what, I'm eating Cary.. but ok.. for you." So i walk over thereand hand Nate the phone, introduce myself to the Beautiful people next to him and then Nate starts walking back to my table. Nate says " Holland, seriously you look absolutely amazing- i saw you walk over to the bar and talk to Hunter and i was 'who is that girl' and then you turned around and waved and i was like 'oh my gosh, that's Holland, who's 17.' And he was like Holland, if i was a few years younger you'd be in trouble So he was talking to Cary and i was making fun of how they are like a married couple, and he was like "i wish i was here with Holland, Cary- you need to bring this girl around more often, she's wearin it out." And he goes "seriously Cary, im gonna marry Holland one day if Joel doesn't get her first, i think i just fell IN LOVE with her, i hope Joel knows what he's about to lose".. and i was like "Lord,i don't know if he does, but Nate can you please say that a little louder so Naomi, Chels, and Megan can hear that?" And he grabbed/hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Holland shut up, you know you like it!". Rockstars and the effect they have on me is close to deadly,its ridiculous. I didn't act retarded, but to say the least, it was needed. After all that, laughs and fantasies shared we went to Boundry where there were old dirty men galore and it was just too much for me, i said "hey' to Baker -the bartender and we left before we ran into a legit. pediphile. So we all decided that Mafioso's for desert would be a grand idea. We got cheesecake and tiramisu with a side of scary old man stalker who tried to sit with us at our table-that was not happenin.John had to regulate. Finally, Jim and Ryan showed up we stayed there until midnight-ish and then headed back to Naomi's apartment to watch 5th wheel and Elimidate. But back at the place, Jim and Ryan didn't leave until 2:30ish and Jim tried to bring back the old times by having a slumber party, who does Jim think he is? haha. Oh goodness.

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today the rain washed you away.. [04 Feb 2004|07:02pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Modest Mouse-Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset ]

You look around and realize the things that are going on in your life really aren't so bad. Seriously, today i felt like i put out fires all over Brentwood High. I was like, what in the world is going on? It seems like February, Black History month and "supposedly" the month of Love only confuses people and gets couples in love quarrels and tangles and its just no fun. And i feel deemed the official "advice giver". Honestly... haha, but i know a thing or two about the topic so i guess i helped as much as i could.
Well not to mention everything that was going on with Brentwood's couples today,but the weather was really bad too, which just adds another element of just gross and icky. BUT the weather prevailed and we got out of school at 12. It doesn't even compare to yesterday though, so its not even really worth celebrating. I just came home after i stopped by Chick-Fil-A to get my #1 combo and then Gabe and Megan cameover. It was really good to get to talk to Gabe, we sat on the window seat and talked about old times, and "the window' and ahh.. jason's house. I miss those days, when everything was just real easy, and laid back and no one was in a hurry it was just completely chill. We talked about all those things while Megan slept and Gabe interrogated me for the entire time how it was cool for us to smoke cloves out 'the window' but it was kosher for him to smoke a bowl out the window. That was the ongoing conflict of the day. I was like Grreat. Then i had to say bye to the little kiddies and they both fell asleep on my luscious "can't say no" bed and slept until 6ish. So after all that, the day ended up with me finding out that i am illegal to drive in the state of Tennessee because i'm pretty much blind, and i have to get some nerdalicious glasses, NEVER go into Hollister again, that we probably have school tomorrow, and that we stood up Cary for a movie date for THE Last time, and that doing snow winter dances in front of the T.v. with Megan and Derek does not increase the chances of Williamson County Schools being closed, even though there is a wave pool in the YMCA parking lot and the streets have rapids, Dr.Heath will not budge, he likes to keep us in suspense.

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wednesdays wonderfuls. [04 Feb 2004|02:54pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Neutral Milk Hotel- Love Song to Jesus "I Love Jesus Christ" ]

oh focus wednesdays- the thrill of feeling as if you are getting away with something by getting out of school at noon. lovely, absolutely lovely.
Mmm.. today was just one of those days you just realize "life goes on", just like "the show must go on", so MUST life.
Today was a day where i just wanted to sit and soak everything in and savor every morsel of today, and just watch and see how life goes on with or without you.
Even when you think the earth and time stands still and all eyes are on you and you feel as if "your world" is crashing down and there is nothing after this... its just simply not true... life is going on.
_When we got out of school there were rays of sunshine in the biting February wind and everything looked and felt happy.
It just makes me want to stop and thank You, when everything is falling apart You come through, and give me the most beautiful sunset i've seen in awhile- it all fades when its something you do.
And because of that today was the first day i got to do one of my most favorite things-
roll down the windows,put the sun-roof up and smell spring's fresh cut grass that is just around the corner.
ahhh.. and i got to fill my head with spring and summer hopes and thoughts of the memories we will make. And as the road gets longer so does this drive- and it reminds me of where its about to end...and the bittersweet thought of graduation and leaving everything certain comes to mind, and well, the thought of being alone....
i pulled up in the driveway and just sat there and looked up through the sun-roof. It was about 7ish and everything looked so calm and the sky was beautiful and dark blue.
it makes you realize there is so much more out there, you just have to wait, and let it come to you*

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_ just when i thought love had finally found me.. [13 Jan 2004|12:11pm]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | Kent_you have my whole heart ]

These thoughts are pressing
and your worhless words are mundane
can't you say anything right
to ease some of the pain?
i don't even think you tried.
can't you see all these
tears that i've cried?
The bathwater is cold
but ill stay in here all night
and remember all the memories that unfold.
_just know that i loved you.
but i failed you too.
The soft flickers of candlelight and the faint music
of a boy singing about a love that is lost
echoes in the background.
can't you see my world is crashing down?
i keep searching..
where is my safe and sound?

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.. this is all you have. and you're letting it go. [12 Jan 2004|11:45pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Foo Fighters_ Everlong ]

Does she have what you want?
Do you even know?
Its been months now
and my spirit is wearing down
and im beginning to lose my glow.
_but why does it consume me?
Why is it always one thought away?
All i can say is you'll be
sorry one day.
So go on and dance with her
and says the things you say
look at her like you looked at me
make her think you'll stay.
_but are you ever going to tell her?
Or are you going to string her along?
just go on and i'll let it be
just know she doesn't look good on you,- she's all wrong
sure, you can do whatever you want.. i mean its your life
_but know that you are saying goodbye
to the girl you wanted to be your wife.

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..Sundays are always the days that everything becomes so clear. [11 Jan 2004|11:31pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | radiohead_ just ]

The hardest thing is watching you walk away
I want you to know that this is not how it was suppose to be,
you're suppose to be here.
you really are the closest thing to perfect but the farthest thing from me
i keeping wishing you'd come, but you are no where near.
i know if its meant to be you'll find me,
until then all i have is this one, lonely, little tear.

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms open hearts
And if it never ends then when do we start?
I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you comeback
I have some things to say

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

_Maroon 5

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.. the long way home. [10 Jan 2004|05:11am]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Jack Johnson_ Bubbly Toes ]

_ i was listening to this in the car tonight, and it rings so true.
Its funny how when you are so into your little world you find yourself becoming so passionate
in someone else's words or lyrics. Thats what i feel when i was listening to this song.
the sad thing is, that this is true.

When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end

And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown

When you answer the door pick up the phone
You wont find me cause I'm not coming home

You don't know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away

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double meanings.. [09 Jan 2004|10:20am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Unintended-Muse ]

((reply to comment))
i look in the mirror
and i can't make out what i see.
there's this girl,
i don't know her
but she's definitely not me.
all i know is that this girl
is nothing like the woman i want to be.
Her face is straight and pressed
her eyes are dark
and her expression is stressed.
you can tell she finds herself constantly asking why?
and who am i?
I have a feeling she's tired of trying to please everyone
she' can't help it-whats done is done
-She thought she would know so much more than she knows now
i guess that's why all these critics keeping telling her she's
get to get off this fence somehow.

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i can feel the sand in between my toes while it snows* [08 Jan 2004|08:19pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | The Police- Roxanne ]

Limey McLimerson.
yeah, Lime.
That's what i looked like today. A big bowl of lime-goodness. I wore my*Lime/Green GSUS jacket that i was so proud of because i got it for such a good deal, and i felt like a fresh beam of light and i just thought it was totally appropriate that i share that with all of you...Moving on.-
I am enjoying reveling in my eyecandy goodness that im kind of curious about *tasting the rainbow*(starburst joke). I think im getting carried away-i mean especially in my inter-personal in the gutter thoughts that are totally un-necessary but its ok, because they are only thoughts.
So anyhow, school was fine, still fighting some of my demons and FORCING things that truly bother me to just "roll off my back" which i am proud to say that i am doing very well at that trait.
But i will still put my two cents in about those injustices.
Like what is it with everyone's constant attitude at school? It just makes me give such a large ::sigh:: of relief that i am leaving this place and these "houtie toutie" people with their noses up in the air and their wayy too pish posh style that is just above and beyond me. I give up. Im getting my parachute and jumping of the fashion plane ASAP. I could give a rip less about what i look like.
I have been doing minimal makeup look that i like to call the "no makeup-makeup look". Its soo 'i just got done playing in a golden field, picking white lillies and staring at clouds"-and how in the world can that be a bad thing?
What im trying to say in my wayy to descriptive style is that i dig this not caring but slightly caring look that im doing, and i have gotten some great feed back from it.
which once and for all proves to me that i do not have to 'put on the redlight' or dress scandalously or cute-sy or up to fashion everyday, i just can roll out of bed and still look acceptable. And that is a really comforting 8 days after new year's realizaton.
so right now, i'd have to say life is mediocre, but i know that there is like an amazingly unbelievable good thing right around the corner that i am hoping has everything to do with my eyecandy.
Now that i am out of breath from all my run-on sentences i have to go crawl back into my pyschology AP GI-normous textbook.
Sweet dreams sugar daddies*

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... you say the music means more when im with you. [07 Jan 2004|07:36pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | No Doubt- Ex-girlfriend ]

Did i ever tell you that i absolutely HATE the sound of alarm clocks? anything that remotely sounds like an alarm clock-i get a nervous twitch er something. Its just not right.
Me and the morning just do not go together. i finally gathered up my sheit and hit the asphalt on my way to escuela (school).
Well i'll start off by saying overall i had a really good day.
school was alright, i mean you know as good as school can be. i got reserved for prom today which was nice i think? i looked semi-decent today in the same shirt that i slept in.
i think im going off the deep end of trying to accomplish being comfortable at school.
i mean lord, i atleast need to pick out a shirt.
but nevertheless, even though i rolled out of bed, i was still late to school. that's like cumulative tardy number 77.oh well... im over it. i'm senior and i am still entitled to stretching my senior superiorites.
_but i had something suprising interesting happen to me today...
i realized that things just don't go right when you aren't around. i look around and wait for that sound... i thought you were there that time. the only reason i smile infront of you is to hide what i really feel. i have to be strong. i have to for both of our sakes, don't get me wrong, i still love you and you are the one i want. but i know this doesn't matter. nothing compares to what we had, me and you.. that was real.. remember? don't worry im still in love with the colour blue..
_im just scared.
thanks for calling, i hope you had fun at the game,oh and i didn't mean what i said.
But i have to go study for something.

just a little side not for a little someone*
((i hope you had fun,and you got great seats and that coveted goodnight kiss.
but i hope you can deal with my goodbye, because i was right, i really can't take this*))

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.. these halls,this lighting-did i just fall in love? [06 Jan 2004|07:36pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Michael Jackson-Smooth Criminal ]

first day back from winter break...
and second semester has already begun to shine through to my "true colours".
what i mean is that... i was late to school for first period again which would make this like the 76th time-no joke.
which just instills that a new year's resolution is just some hopeful whim to get you thinking things like "this year is going to be different.", "i for one am actually going to stick to my new year's resolution.", "nothing can get me down, oh and i promise im losing 10lbs."
it just reminds me that the lingering scent of superficialness is strong in the air,(and im not saying that i don't have anything to do with it-id like to say so, but im sure im not innocent of it). And to make matters worse, the annual "winter break rumor" had my name all up in it discussing an event including just dancing that wasn't exactly something id call one of my 'shining moments'. I just want to say to everyone, Dude its just dancin nothing to get all ansy over, and a little dancin, there is nothing wrong with that. Besides, i had my mind on one thing- i didn't forget him, blue-eyed boy with curls.
anyhow, i've been sleep ridden for a while, since friday of winter break! so nitey-nite!

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..ginseng and eucalyptus>what a wonderful combination [05 Jan 2004|03:51am]
[ mood | relieved ]
[ music | portishead_glorybox ]

The year is fresh, and the "rebirth" season is right around the corner(and we all know waht that means... Renaissance Festival!) so why am i being held down by the troubles and squabbles of the past year?
it's time for rebirth, er-"re-evaluating".
i've been telling myself over and over "self, do not let the things of the past get you down and out"
- i refuse to give in to the unfinished business/unsolved mysteriousness that has been haunting me the last couple months of '03.
i will not let it be a relenting thought in my mindprocesses. oh no, not this year.
i have decided that 2004 is my year to shine.*
i am determined to shed the things that are causing stress and continuous panic attacks(not really, but soo on the verge.)
this year i am going to be a game player.
_yes, i am going to get back into horsebackriding.(MAYBE soccer)
_i am going to have a workout schedule.(lord, its going to kill me)
_i am going to be a dedicated studious scholarly chick willing to break and say "no" to plans in order to get grades and graduate.
_i am going to get my tutorial services to help support me in the knowledge that i lack in mathematics.
_i am going to apply to YWAM.
_ i am going to send in my video that kicks so much arse to RealWorld [that hasn't been made, but once it is-its going to be ridiculous]
_+ once and for all i am going to sit down and figure what i actually want with me and the boy with ocean eyes and golden hair.-maybe not in a limited amount of time, but maybe set out some guidelines, set my selfishness aside and be completely and totally appreciative and respectful+make sure he is on the same page in every aspect as me.
ANNNDD* the kicker is:
start writing a lot.
pick apart some of the old stuff that i wrote
and use that for something new and fresh*
get my inspiration fuming.
because i have been asked numerous times to "seriously think about my writing,as far as songs and poetry goes, and pursue it persistently"-some encouraging words from an awesome RockstarMan named...Cary Barlowe.

ahhh...i feel so much better now like ginseng and eucalyptus...the bathtub is calling my name*

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... still holding on a saturday [03 Jan 2004|07:33am]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | good charlotte-changes ]

i remember sitting there
watching the way your lips moved
and all i could think about is if you were truly happy.
i was so comfortable i would do anything to make you not go.
the sun caught your eyes and i fell head over
heels before i even realized i was standing in the first place
the natural light reveals all i need to know
and lights up the contours of you face
and i think you maybe,might have started to glow?
did you not see that im captivated
now that i don't have you.
and you seem so gone.
you say don't deserve you,
you say for too long i did you wrong.

i sat in the car and swore i wouldn't get out
but you begged me to let you go...
and you were right, i would regret not kissing you.
but you always leave, you always walk away...
God- don't you see i am more than some
girl you just leave waiting on those steps?
i've bled so many tears on those steps where you left me
with some foolass last words
and some heartless goodbyes
i am more...
now i know your gone-there's no hope.
my whole body's sore
my eyes are blurred
but i don't want to sleep.
is this what it feels like to miss you?
you put me on a pedalstool
how could that not be good enough?
i took everything for granted.
im sorry im not everything you want me to be
its sad because you are the closest thing to perfect
but the farthest thing from me.

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Cheers! and good times galore, what a hell of a way to welcome 2004! [01 Jan 2004|10:41pm]
[ mood | reflective ]
[ music | Sheryl Crow:If it makes you happy.. ]

well for all those dedicated readers of mine that have been patiently yet anxiously awaiting this journal entry to see how unbelieveably ridiculous my new year's eve experience was,here it is*; and im sorry i kept you waiting.
oh my friends: HAPPY STINKIN NEW YEARS! i know its a little late, but to say the least, i've been extremely busy and sleepy.
well December 31,2003 started off like any regular December 31st except this time it was warm...62 degrees!
Anyhow-I went and got my hair done like usual, told everyone my new years resolution was to lose a good 15lbs. and proclaim that by spring break i would be a new woman that my love-handles would be replaced with those coveted abs of Britney Spears except a million gazillion times better and from then on they would be known as "Holland Richardson's Coveted Abs."
Oh goodness, how I love my December 31st annual spiel.
Soon after i got my coif(hair) all bangin' with some blondie bombshell highlights i was ready to go visit my little chelsea whom i missed so much while she was away in Ft.Lauderdale!
I met her alien-faced pug that is still nameless, because that's just the way the Cox's do things.
You gotta love em'.
Me and Chelsea secretly devised our plan, talked it over and decided we'd meet at 645p.m. her place, after my parents dropped me off and they waved good bye to the hellion of a kid i am.
P.S.>> my car was absolutely not allowed to be on use on the day of Dec.31st- the devil's day where "all the drunks are out,on pills and fluids and powders! you could get killed or even worse!"-Momma Terry's words.
But that was ok, i didn't need a car anyway, we had Momma Lori's Trooper and i was just fine with that.
Well me and Chelsea headed down into the greatness that was -'Nashville at Night' and hit the party scene hardcore*
we went out with HUGE Mark and some of his friends and we got into Buffalo Billiards free with free V.I.P*
oh my goodness, we were on top of the world, no joke! There was like a mile long line and we weaved in and out of them and the owner,yeah the owner came out and gave us our little wristbands, no questions asked, not one.
We rang in the new year's with me learning that White Russians are my favorite alcoholic drink that don't make me feel guilty because its like a milkshake with a scandalous twist and it reminds me a lot of myself! But i didn't really drink a whole one i just tasted Leslie's and came to that conclusion between the drink and myself.
and discovering that i can rock the crap out of a dance floor!
I danced so much that night that i fell over the next morning, i made my ownself weak in the knees!
I also realized that i am not a little girl anymore...
ok,just by me dancing around sort of sluttily i had a guy come up and ask me "where do you work?' and he was like "i mean like do you work on the side or do you work for someone?' and i'm still oblivious... like "what are you talking about dude?" and he was like "look i'll put it to you this way how much do you charge? The next thing he said was totally X-Rated and inappropriate. So Yeah...he got slapped in the face by Leslie, and that's where the benefits of having HUGE Mark come into play. His face was molested and mangled.
you just don't say that stuff...ever.
Besides that everything was amazing* i really needed that whole night.
I needed to forget about all the stuff that was going on in my complex ridiculous life and the just trying so hard to make things perfect, but just having to realize right now is a time for change, change for the better. I still think me and my little boy will fit together one day, oh i hope i hope!
By the way, it was his birthday yesterday-i didn't see him but i wished him a good one, as well as a happy new year's and all i got was a "i gotta go...unbelieveable". Yep, that's Joel alright.
Although for New Year's I wasn't surrounded by all the people that i love the most, but i realized something about that too...
Something that could be a new year's resolution or realization.a few actually.
*_I realize that i need to be a better judge of the friends that i put 'best' in front of.
*_I realize that i need to stop living so selfishly and start to appreciate the best years of my life and some of the most amazing people that have impacted my life that i have seriously discounted... like my first true love the boy with ocean eyes and golden curls*, and sometimes my little button nosed Chelsh* and my family and brother.
*_I realize that i need to take sometime and have some serious talks with myself about being socially retarded.
*_I have also realized that i need to be content and comfortable in my skin. I need to be truthful with myself as well as others at all times. Assuring myself daily that no matter what i say or what i feel, whether my friends or boyfriends or whoever likes or doesn't like what i have to say that they will still accept me for who i am, or for who i yearn to be. Whether they agree or disagree with some of my opinions and just because im not an all A.P. student does not mean that i don't know a thing or two. And in 2004, i refuse to let my feelings be discounted...by anyone.

I will probably be writing some more *noteworthy*
events that have either been 'resolved'
or 'realized' in 2003's shadow.

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i had a lot to say, but none of it was meant for an answering machine. [31 Dec 2003|12:37am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Sunny Day Realestate-Faded Memories* ]

((written on the back of a starbucks bag that once held iced lemon pound cake*
i'm not sure if it has any poetic value, but never the less, i believe the point
will come across quite evident and sharp. _on a side note,please forgive me
for being so morose, it is not my intention; but what can one do about
feelings that overflow?))

The Ramblings of Not Just Any Girl... no, he told me i was "The Girl"...once.

is it really that hard for you to pick up?
is it killing you to ignore me?
are you scared that what i say will pick out some flaws of your own?
oh yes, love, don't deny it, you have them.
maybe they aren't as loud as mine, but they're still there.
Although hidden and kept in a secret place,that i have visited many times,
for it has been my sanctuary from the storm for too long.
Let's admit it love, i have you figured out.
I know what's behind your mystery...and it's killing you.
Couldn't you listen to what's been on my mind lately?
Or is the truth just too much for you too handle?
Oh, thats right I forgot, you'd rather believe your own lies...
wallow in the life that you have outside of reality.
Stop lying to yourself,love -it will only hurt you in the end.
Are you not man enough to stare your ignorance in the face?
Of course not, all you can do is what you're best at -walk away.
because my words are too piercing for your heart to endure
and the truth i speak of violently echoes in your ear
drawing your attention to what you are about to lose...
You can watch me walk away... and ill laugh under my breath
because i know its harder for you than it is for me.
Let me assure you that your cold blue eyes
will never stare into the rich brown that mine posses again
Your lips will never press against mine
But I didn't realize it was killing you.

Its sad really, i thought you knew that all was fair in love in war...stupid me.
it seems we've been playing some dangerous games lately.
I dont feel guilty.
Besides,love means never having to say your sorry.

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