N.L.G.'s Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-03-09 14:35
Mood: sad
Music:Yolanda Adams-That Name

I got an email from my aunt today. Talking about her sickle cell. I didnt even know she had sickle cell. I feel so bad right now. I really just wanna cry. Then he mentioned others in the family that have it and that someone even died from it recently. I have so many thoughts and emotions going thru my head right now....

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Date:2005-03-02 00:46
Mood: cheerful
Music:BeBe and CeCe Winans-Different Lifestyles

Was baking some cookies, and i forgot about them and thought they were burnt. So i rushed to the oven and said...

"Oh Dang"

I know that doesn't really mean much to anyone but me...but normally they first thing outta my mouth would have been a cuss word. Actually a stream of them. But I said.."Oh Dang".....lol. How corny does that sound?

I haven't said a cuss word in a couple days now. I'm really proud about that.

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Date:2005-02-27 00:12
Subject:Here's Whas Gon Happen (c) Samson from Half Baked
Mood: good
Music:Trick Daddy-Play No Games

Even tho I just accidentially deleted this song I was working on for Don Will...i'm upset but I ain't trippin too much...lol

Over the past few weeks i've been doing alot more praying, meditating....thinking....Trying to get closer to God. There's alot of things in my life that I'm not happy with, and the Bible says you have not because you ask not. I have a vision for what I want and I realized that I can't achieve these things on my own. So i'm asking for God's help and direction and trying to, as they say, "Get out of the drivers seat" and let God do the driving. I'm making an effort to use less profanity. I've said stuff like this before, but i have some serious things I want to see happen in my life and i'm very serious about seeking the Lord's help to reach those things.

Keep me in your prayers...

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Date:2005-02-06 23:55
Subject:Been a long time....
Mood: bored
Music:The Hot Boys-Guerilla Warfare

I havent written in this journal in a while. I guess its cuz i have the same feelings over and over, and I dont see any point in writing the same journal entry a dozen times. Feeling of being overworked. How it feels to come home and be lonely every night. Feeling so far from my family. Same ole stuff....

Today was the Super Bowl. And I absolutely hated both teams involved. Philly....hate them bitches with a passion. New England.....hate them hoe ass niggaz wit a passion. So I didnt watch the game at all. I saw....2 plays maybe while i was flipping thru. I had no interest at all in that bullshit. Fuck everyone involved.....and they family and friends.

And to fully express how I feel...the great poet B.G....formerly of Cash Money From the Juvenile Classic Track "Fuck That Nigga"

"Fuck him, ya heard me (fuck him)
Fuck his whole clique, nigga (fuck 'em all)
Ya don't like me, I don't like you, nigga (I don't like ya, nigga)
You don't like me, that mean you don't like my clique
I don't like you, that mean I don't like YOU.....
The niggas ya fuck with, the niggas you affiliate with, ya heard me
Any nigga who speak to ya, nigga, dap you up, nigga....
Fuck you and all them too, nigga, ya heard me"

I couldn't have said it better myself B.G.

My mother called me today from a Super Bowl get together. I told her that I was at home baking a pie and not watching the super bowl and she laughed and thought I was lying. She like....really did NOT believe me. I had to convince her that I indeed had no interest at all in the super bowl. I guess parents dont picture their children as losers. It makes me think of how much stuff I've hid from my parents...going all the way back to high school. My getting bullied. The pain and rejection. The extreme lonliness of college. Then the EXTREME lonlieness of the real world after college, with me constantly moving and all the pain and helplessness. I mean...they knew to some extent, cuz some stuff you just cant hide. But there's alot that they dont know. I guess you never picture your child in that way. I need to hurry up and get my munney straight so i can go to the humaine society and get this cat that i've wanted for so long. That will help alot with my lonliness. Its hard tho when I have to buy plane tickets every other month. October....thanksgiving....Christmas....now i have to buy a ticket home for early march. I'm very excited to go home for my mother's ordination....without question. Its just a burden financially.

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Date:2005-01-01 22:58
Subject:Where are we?
Mood: bored
Music:Watching "Man On Fire" DVD

I've kinda been neglecting this journal....I've been so lazy.

What is there to talk about.


I just got back from my trip to Kansas. I'm so happy I went and got the chance to reconnect with family that I havent seen in 2 and 3 and in some case 5 and even 10 years. I'm doing a whole lot better in my life right now. I'm much more stable with allows me to be able to make these connections without fear that I'll have moved in a month.

So....one of my goals for 2005 (i made a list) is to travel to North Carolina, Kansas, Indiana and Philly at least once in the year.

In church, my dad announced Norma as his "fiance". Ehhhh. She annoyed me for most of the trip. She talks entirely too much, (but so does my mother). I hope my dad will be happy, however I cant say that I'm happy at all about him getting married again. And it sucks ass that I didnt get to see my mother at all over the break, but I had to spend time with "her".

I spent new years eve at home. alone. watched my new anchorman DVD then fell asleep.

I've cant remember when I've been so happy and so sad all at once. Well, that's not true...i'm always happy and sad. It seems like I can never get all the pieces to the puzzle correct. My career is doing great and I'm finally getting what I worked for...but I feel alone as I come home to my empty place everyday. And I work far too many hours (but thats a different subject altogether). I wish I could be closer to my family, so in this year I will make every attempt to spend time with them.

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Date:2004-12-14 00:59
Subject:Confessions of a Loser
Mood: blah
Music:Jay Dee-Dilla Beats '05

I suck. I've prolly never felt this much of a loser before. Well....thats not true, but its been a long long time. It's a horrible feeling. I can't wait for my christman trip to Kansas so that i can forget all the bullshit that I go thru here.

Off to my empty bed...in my empty apartment....

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Date:2004-12-03 07:11
Subject:Twenny Five
Mood: accomplished
Music:Ceel-Lo-Cee-Lo Green is the Soul Machine

I can't believe I'm halfway to 30 years old.

I definitely had a much different vision for my life. I feel very blessed to be where I am, but at the same time I feel like I am behind in the game. Far behind where I wanted to be.

I don't really have any plans for today. Sleep. Get a new driver's license. Give thanks....

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Date:2004-11-29 14:00
Subject:Running The Risk of Sounding Stupid.....
Mood: depressed
Music:DJ Shadow-Building Steam With A Grain of Salt

I'm really really homesick....

I wanna go home.

The thing is, I dunno if home means "Indiana" but home isnt DC. Not right now. Not yet.

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Date:2004-11-21 21:16
Mood: drained
Music:Kenna-A Better Control

The Pacers just got fucked by the NBA.

As a ride or die Pacer fan...i am sick.

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Date:2004-10-28 16:49
Subject:So yeah....
Mood: contemplative
Music:Esthero-Swallow Me

If this doesn't work out, I'm just gonna start trying to be a whore.

And putting my thang in whatever random female I can find.

I'm pretty tired of trying with no results.....

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Date:2004-10-04 23:32
Mood: sleepy

Today I set up my Electricity and Phone service for the new apartment. I tired to set up the Gas too, but you have to be there for them to set it up, and you know how they are with their appointments. So I don't know how that I gonna go yet.

The love of my life...(lol) is coming this weekend to take me furniture shopping. Plus we are going to the movies. The present I bought her for her birthday arrived too. The ridiculously priced present that I bought on ebay (whose price almost doubled in the last few minutes of the auction). I know she'll like it tho.

Right now we are just friends, but I think she'll be a part of my life for quite sometime....

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Date:2004-09-20 23:55
Subject:What is wrong with me?
Mood: silly
Music:Evanescence-My Immortal

I just made one of the dumbest purchases of my life. I mean.....i can't believe what I just did.

I just bid on something on Ebay that reached a ridiculous price. But I was buying it for someone as gift. So I got that taken care of.

But with me saving for this new apartment....i couldnt paid 3 or 4 bills with this money.

I live a reckless life...

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Date:2004-09-18 09:22
Subject:Feeling this way....
Mood: confused
Music:Prince-If I Was Your Girlfriend

I don't like feeling this way....

I mean, I never do but I especially don't like it now.

Being crazy about someone, and thinking about them constantly and caring about them and wanting to be with them and be a part of their life...and feeling like they think that you are "aight".

I'm 99% percent certain that you don't think about me as much as I think about you. You prolly don't stare at my picture just to see my smile. You prolly don't buy my favorite candy just so you can eat it and think about me...

Why would you? Why would anyone?

I'm a fuckin loser, and I hate feeling this way....

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Date:2004-09-16 16:08
Mood: frustrated
Music:Jill Scott-Spring Summer Feeling

I've been here a month and a half and I've never really been completely frustrated like I am now.

At the begining of the week, my supervisor basically said that we (me and deric) would be doing his work for the whole week, as well as next week when he is on vacation.

How in the hell am I posed to do 4 more hours worth of work a day, plus my own work in the same amount of time.

I'll prolly be here til well past 9pm tonight....


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Date:2004-09-02 00:14
Mood: calm
Music:Jazzanova-Wasted Time (feat Vikter Duplaix)

I've been neglecting this blog. I'm quite sorry about that. This is meant to be the chronicle of my deepest feelings. But the truth is, I'm on the computer ALL DAY at work, and when I get home I don't really be wanting to get on the computer.

I have alot of things on my mind, if you want to be real about things...

I finally got paid at the new job.
Trying to find an apartment before i become homeless again.
Things going on with my friends.
And there is a beautiful woman who I cannot stop thinking about....

So yeah...i haven't forgotten about you. There will be plenty to talk about soon...

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Date:2004-08-14 17:42
Subject:Get Up Get Out
Music:Trick Daddy-Let's Go (feat. Twista & Lil Jon)

Well, it looks like my apartment plans have hit another minor setback. I didnt get paid yesterday with the rest of the staff. My first check wont come til the end of the month.

This could be good or bad. It could allow me to save a little bit more money. But I desperately need my space and my freedom. I'm basically living in a 6 foot area that is the couch. I've lived in worse situations though, if you want to be honest. So I just need to focus on work and things will fallinto place.

If it wasnt for both my mother AND my father sending me money, I wouldnt even have enough money to get TO work. $25 a week for METRO adds up.

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Date:2004-08-07 17:28
Subject:How I Feel
Mood: mellow
Music:Prince-The Hits/B-Sides

It would not be an exaggeration to say that I have about a 100% failure rate with women. I'm not smooth and I don't have "Game". I don't really know what to do and what not to do and the other little codes for macking women. I just try to be honest and be myself. And that rarely works. I guess being goofy, skinny and poor isn't the best combination.

I really, really like her. I'm am horrible at reading signs, so I don't *really* know how she feels about me. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out. I just like having her around. I don't see her that often, but talking to her just makes me feel.....I can't really explain it. It just makes me feel, good. And she smells soooooooooooooo good. *sigh*

25 years of putting your heart out to get stepped on has affected me in ways that it would take all day to explain. I just hope that my feelings are right on this one...

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Date:2004-07-29 22:19
Mood: relieved
Music:Nothing At All

It's all good...

I love you too...

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Date:2004-07-20 11:18
Mood: anxious
Music:Smokie Norful-"I Need You Now"

I had something I was gonna write about, but I forgot it now....*sigh*

I am currently in transition *again* sleeping on the floor of an empty apartment.

Just waiting for my time to come...

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Date:2004-07-13 23:52
Mood: good
Music:Funkadelilc-"Unlce Jam"

Something very weird happened today. I got a phone call from both my father and my mother today. I talk alot about how I avoid contacting people when things aren't going so well. So its not uncommon for me to go weeks without talking to either of them.

My mother called this afternoon and she asked alot of questions, but I really didnt give much in the way of answers. I didn't want her worrying about what was gonna happen to me, or where I was gonna stay, etc, etc. So i kinda just kept things short and didnt go into detail about much.

My father called me late in the evening and he asked me the same stuff and I told him all the stuff I didnt tell my mother. He gave me so much hope and peace about the situation. It was such a wonderful feeling. He prayed with me and we are claiming sucess. My father is such a wonderful example of a man. I have someone who I can talk to, who believes in God and believes in me. I'm very very blessed for that. My mother does too, but I try to so hard to spare her from all the painful details. I can hear her pain over the phone.

I guess that was the strength I needed....

Thank you....

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