firefly's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
firefly

[ website | francesca.lia.block ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[08 Oct 2003|08:08pm]
does anyone have an LJ code to spare?? id really appreciate it..
9 comments|post comment

and the moment i can feel that you feel that way too. [08 Oct 2003|07:03pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | when i fall in love - celine dion ]

I want to dissapear into nothingness so i don't have to wonder anymore. I hate remembering him, or it, or them, or myself.

I keep having nightmares. I don't just mean like ooh aah a monster is going to eat me alive.. it's all real things. Real things that are real fears and every single day for weeks now, I have to rethink what actually happened and what didn't at all.

They are so real. Sometimes I want to stay in them just because they're actually happening. They seem more real than reality - because in reality, intensity is never in the form of tears.

2 comments|post comment

[18 May 2003|10:36am]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | tori amos ]

EDIT: I am now @ livejournal - I'd be happy to give you the link if you'd IM me @ xeclecticwings :) or email at blkmagenta@yahoo.com



FRIENDS ONLY

comment - friends are good.


I'm no tall-blond, long-legged, bubblegum-popping teen queen. I've never worm black and chains and called myself a goth, never worn Finch and Thursday shirts for a week straight and called myself punk. I've never run an anti-bush campaign and labeled myself a hippie.

ponder this:
Who are you?
8 comments|post comment

alone [18 May 2003|09:39am]
If there was one word I could use to describe me all year I probably wouldn't be able to find it. My relationship with words has been one that's destroyed and forever unpolished.

Journaling has always been my safe haven. I'm sure there are other people to agree with me. There's some kind of barrier it provides me - some kind of release.

The worst thing to hear is that people have read your journal. And doubted your exsistence.

I do NOT want to be sick. I DO NOT want these diseases. But the pain I go through every minute of every day is so much of what I am. So when you doubt it, you doubt me. And I don't mean this is a complex way, it's quite simple.

I hold back from a lot in this journal because a) although I trust Michael with everything I am, I don't let him know everything.. as he'd probably say the same. b) So much of what I experience cannot be put into words c) I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and I have a problem remembering things at all.

And of course there are more reasons, but mostly, because it's so hard to put into words. I am a writer, but more days than no days have I wished I was not. Words and the use of them can make you insane.

So fuck public journaling forever.

This journal is FRIENDS ONLY.
4 comments|post comment

[15 May 2003|11:42pm]
So I've found myself falling back in love with my semi-public deadjournal. Reason for neglecting, as I stated in my last entry. I apologize. Why am I apologizing? Ack.

Same same, old old. Nothing new, nothing not new. Live in the present and you're only aspiring for the future or thinking about the past. Planning, dreaming, regretting. <~ three keys of life and philosophy.

I'm dizzy. I'm sick with a head cold. I am getting sicker every day. I keep fooling myself into believing it's NOT because I binge and purge all day until 12am. I'm dieing, inside and out. And I'm leaving people with 'experiences' and 'challenged' because that's all i am.

Yep, I have reintroduced the world of the living back into my cage. I'd say it started early spring. We'll see what happens.

All I know, is that it kills to smile. It fucking burns.
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[13 May 2003|07:19am]
I've been neglecting my blurty - I know. There's a reason. I am keeping a public journal on deadjournal for all my friends to read as well as myself. I ended it a long time ago because of the fact that I think public journals are pathetic. I was obviously not 'really being me' as an attempt to not let anyone know. So now, in the journal, I just write about things, sometimes based on actual eventes, but I'm not specific.

If anyone wants the link, comment, and I'll probably be happy to give it to you =)

I gained. I don't know how much because I won't weight myself. I've had a really messy last week or so. Really messy. I hate being fat. I hate being bulemic. I hate being alive. I hate exsisting in general.

yesterday I went back to my old gym (gymnastics). I looked into the mirror that I'd judged myself in so many times before. I looked into it and saw a lot of things I never thought I'd see again. For a little while, there in that character-painted gym, I regrabbed my innocence, my unnoticeable pain I'd held on to for so long. I grabbed it again and hugged myself. Walking out of the gym I faced the fact that I'd never be a gymnast again.

So much natural talent.. I killed it. I killed my nature.
3 comments|post comment

[11 May 2003|09:34am]
Anxiety attack. Sweater, tank top, pants. Too hot in this house. No, he says the temperatuer is fine. They ask, why are you frantic, Nicole? I say I am fine. I call people. They are leaving already. I'm too late. 15 minutes of hyper ventilation + 1 purge goes by and Liz calls to say she's picking me up. Yes, okay, time to go. Sweater too big and khakis not iron. Iron khakis and don't give a fuck about the sweater. My hands are not visible and this makes me feel small. Nothing else matters. We arrive, I see, I touch, I taste, I hold, I kiss, I realize.

Told Michele everything. Why I ingored her the past 9 months. I am very sick, physically and psycologically. I am sorry, Michele, but I couldn't let you deal with me.. I had to let you go.. She cries. I don't. I don't ever cry for anyone but myself alchohol and car rides later we go back to the party. Chris meets all my friends and Brian is an asshole. Chris, to them, is why they don't have me anymore. Will they ever stop shielding me and trying to blind me from what I already know is not true? I'm not a baby anymore.. That's why I'm not friends with you...

No one will ever figure me out. I hope they do though, because I know I can't.

I want to be drunk again.
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[08 May 2003|06:02pm]
I won't kill myself. I know that - I know I won't kill myself. For.. whatever reasons.

But I won't wear my seatbelt in hope of an accident.

I've been doing this for a while now.

I'm playing myself out..

I keep reading journals by people that refer to their past selves as worse of than their present selves. I can't do that. So the question is.. will I ever? Will I ever be good enough to look on this moment, this time, this present.. as a bad past? or will I worsen? Because the steps I've taken so far have just been a tunnel.

She was pulled out of the womb
ombilical cord 'round the neck
they held on tight to the eight pounds
yet the soul fell into the tunnel, the baby was born dead

the tunnel twirled around the baby
as the hairs grew on her head
She was still held onto tight and safe
Looked pretty as she went to bed.

She grew into a lady,
insides darker than what the others saw
she began to notice her tunnel
became aware that she was nothing but cold and black and raw

that fucking blew. I fucking hate everything I do. Everything I am. Every inch of me. Every bone covered in fat and flesh. Every second I am alive, I despise it all.

I'm as dead as I am alive. But not making myself sound like I think I'm different than anyone else. We are all dead as we are alive, But some never realize.. and the ones that do either drown themselves in the sorry truth or make something out of it. Hence, artists. Or, you can be an artist, drowning in the truth.

Labels, Labels, Labels.

nothing, nothing, nothing
6 comments|post comment

[07 May 2003|08:56pm]
I know it's been quite a while since my last entry. I won't apologize because I think I was just sparing people having to scroll past my entry on their friends list. Rachel told me that she reads my entries. All I do is complain and I'm not worth the title "depressed" or "eating disordered" because I'm not good enough for it.

I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. If I reached out to people as much as I should then I'd be in a bit of a better state. I use and abuse my opportunities to vent and pour onto them what I would never want someone else to do to them.. to burden them with the truth. with my truth.

The other night I went to Georgie's for the first time in a long time. It was insane. It was crazy. It was beautiful. I felt completely lost - more so than I have in a while. The "situation" between Georgie and I started to get to me. The fact that we've both cheated on each other's best friends with each other. (He went out with my best friend, I went out with his, we hooked up for years..) but it's not a situation that can just be said; "we hook up" because it's different. It's unique. unexplainable I guess. It's so easy to judge a situation like this once you hear about it. And being away from Georgie for that long also caused me to forget how amazing and special and allowed it is. I kissed his lips. I layed my body on his. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it felt wrong.. it felt wrong because when he was with Michele they never did much, and Georgie and I did "everything but" once a week. But now, I'm doing it all with Chris.. and two guys.. just doesn't make as much sense as I thought it might. Doesn't feel as right as I thought it would.

Being with Georgie again made me not want to be with Chris. I think I've figured out why I never 'needed' a boyfriend, unlike all my friends, I never really wanted one. Chris filled the void that I took Georgie out of for that while, and now I just understand why I never needed one before. Because Georgie filled me up. Chris is just what I would have had.. without the beautiful Georgie and Nicole.

But I need it. I think.. I think I might always have Georgie. Live every day to the fullest, yes, but I think I need this summer fling experience. I think I need it. Either that - or it's the exact opposite of what I need. who knows. i can't figure myself out.

Talking with Mike has been something that really does fill me up, and actually makes me anticipate the future. i think I've found a friend that is just everything and more. I think .. I don't know .. "where have you been all my life?" -- his words. And the fact that it's a mutual.. "oh my god!" .. makes it ten times better. I believe that there is an aspect that he will find, and will show him why everyone thinks he's so amazing. I think he'll be successful, and incorporate his dreams with reality. I can't wait to learn you

Oh yea, and I'm sick of this oral sex bull shit. We better fuck soon.

^ moment. thanks.

it's been hard.. being physically well lately. I guess that's obvious. This electrolyte imbalance bull shit is fucking me up so bad. I've been shaky, dizzy, wobbly.. and there's nothing to show for it. If only it were ana..

blah. im sick of it.

tomorrow? right. tomorrow.
14 comments|post comment

waiting impatiently for the interval [03 May 2003|08:34am]
I don't know where I truly thought I'd be by the time I was 2 months shy of my 16th birthday. Maybe in Hollywood somewhere, performing in some way some how and following the dream that I had to give up in order to succeed, according to statistics. And I agree with the statistics this time around, I think I'd rather be a depressed English teacher directing plays than a starving artist on the streets of Hollywood waiting to spot my next big audition. Sounds kind of glamorous. But glamour is what you make it to be, in a cup of coffee or in a glass of wine, you will find only what you let your eye see.

I'm not sure how I feel about everyone telling me I am their personal psycologist and that I make sense of every situation because I look at it deeper. Well, yes, I agree that I tend to look into everything two steps (too) far, but look where that's got me. Well if it could help other people, I am glad to be of service. Last night I spent time with Keith, Sam and her new guy, Angelo. Keith has one of the most fucked up lives out of everyone in Kings Park, but is known to never talk about it. I noticed he was talking to me about things quite a bit. As we layed on Sam's huge bed, we had a discussion about therapy and how society smacks labels on peoples' heads that causes those blind eyes to analyze every action that person takes because of why they those blind eyes think the labeled are. "You're definetly smart, how could you be 15? You've got to be my age. It's weird, I don't usually talk about like, deep stuff with anyone.. (long pause).. why do I talk to you?" I shrugged my shoulders and went back onto the subject of therapy. I haven't yet spilled any of my truth onto Keith, and I'm not sure I will.

Chris A is another who told me his "deep side" the other day. It does feel good to be trusted with people, but at the same time, it's confusing. I don't get it. Why can't they just see what I tell them I see? I think they do, but don't admit it.. or something.

NYSSMA is today in a little while. I suck.
1 comment|post comment

[02 May 2003|05:08pm]
just for your information, I am well aware of the fact that I've been lieing to myself the past few weeks. To think that I saw any hope in him, in a boy, just a boy picked out of the crowd that has some level of depth relating somehow to my own. It's bull shit. It's petty. It's false.

Michael knew it. You knew and you were even intimidated by it. Am I right? I think this is the one subject we haven't gone into detail about. Thanks though, because if we did, I would've been my stubborn self.

This morning I coughed and tasted the metallicy taste of blood in my mouth. This daily routine of binging and purging - quite literally - until 12am must be to blame.
2 comments|post comment

[30 Apr 2003|04:17pm]
if my mom wants to wait a month for therapy fine. Because this is a good one and I CANT get an appt. til may 30th. yea, sure, yea, sure sure sure.

what the fuck makes her think a month won't kill me.

.. not that it would.
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[30 Apr 2003|01:22pm]
Anyone remember the early days of bulemia? ah, i do.

I binged to purge and recieve that empty, weightless feeling. To see my ribs poke through where they didn't when my tummy was stuffed with pounds of food. I craved that.. that.. sick feeling.

And now I don't remember what it feels like not to have it.

And now i don't know why I binge and purge.

In fact.. I don't know why i do anything.. because I don't know who I am.

Fear of everything sets into to this unsettled world and you're left with what they call clinical depression. A quote I read today.. No further evidence is needed to show that "mental illness" is not the name of a biological condition whose nature awaits to be elucidated, but is the name of a concept whose purpose is to obscure the obvious. Thank you for stating my mind in words that make sense, whoever you are who wrote these words. Clinical depression is the admittance of the the most probable reality.

Days like these.. lives like these.. can't wait until death. Can't wait until nothingness.

And then some things make the unhappy intervals almost worth it - they make depression almost.. contradict itself. But when those things, those people, those times, those environments - are gone.. you're left 10 ft. deeper than you were before. For all you know, you've just travelled through the pit of the earth and out the other side .. sooner or later with the potential to be popped out into space.

Clinical depression - enjoy the ride.
11 comments|post comment

[27 Apr 2003|08:54am]
If I'd met him a year ago.. what would I be doing right now?

It's better that he's leaving, it is.

It's better that we don't have a title, it is.

for me.

for him. (?)

I sat in the front seat of Keith's car and realized. Fuck.. old feelings coming over me. How does this changed person deal with old feelings.. how does life make it's own priorities. And in all honesty, give me a guy under the same kind of circumstances and I'd like him just the same. Or at least - think - i like him. I don't make decisions for myself, I know that.

He thinks he's going to be my saving grace. Help me find myself and my meaning.

I wonder if I should lie to him and tell him he did.

::shrugs::
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[26 Apr 2003|01:43am]
active facade occuring
wasted into the depths
candy blinding
no one sees me.

Two sides, two shapes
two me, one you
invisible or invinsible
it's all the same.

A tear and a smile
all or nothing, all and nothing
doesn't make a vary the truth
still the weaker me

A lie
Honesty at it's best
What is said
changes no truth at all.

All honest
break me down to the core
All civil
after the war.

Cold hands on me
Warm hands on you
Put two halves together
one whole heart

No more tears
Elmer's glue repairs it all
cold hands
dont put me together
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[25 Apr 2003|01:48pm]
I know what has happened this past week, the events, the talks, the laughs, the cries.. although I can't really tell what happened on which day, when.

"So today at therapy, we talked about how incredible Nicole **** is, and then we analyzed Samantha a little bit. Then we talked a little about death, and then we talked about how incredible Nicole **** is"

"You're afraid of yourself. It's hard not to be able to see that."

"When you tell me the stuff that people have done to you, like the sexual harassment by Brian.. it makes me angry. But it doesn't make me sick to my stomach, which is a good thing, because that means I'm not obsessed with you."

"Stop being so damn cute. Just for one second, please!!??"

"I like spending time with you so much. I don't know if that's a good thing."
-------
...those are just some things that I remember. He tells me I was what he needed the other night. When a few days before he says that I am just the 'fun' addition. So when he tells me I'm what he needed, I got pissed and told him not to tell me that because it's not true. So he corrected himself and said, well, you fill me up. I haven't been this happy in... ever.

yea, me neither

lie

This is the first time, since the whole depression/eating disorder/ blah blah change.. that I have had such an important social environment and it effecting me. It started with the play and my new group of friends. Then i started going out again.. then I started wanting to go out again. Then I met JJ and he opened my eyes to boys again and showed me that the feeling felt during a kiss when you care about someone can make you calm. (During the time I was with him, I went 2 days without purging and no carbs. that's a good sign). But with Chris my eating habits are changed, but for the worse I guess. Last night we went to Applebees and I played with my food the whole time but still ate it. We were with Gwen and I think she has an ED too, I really think so. She has to be bulemic - she has to be. Anyway, I ate like, 2 quesadillas and like, 2 nachos and 2 mozzarella sticks. (Purged all when I got home). That's the most I've ever eaten in front of him or Montag.

So anyway, during the time I was with JJ, I started getting close with Sam. Then it was Mike, then Mike M, and so on and so on.

During the time I'm not with them, I am the same person I was before. Am I? Am I?

Fuck.. fuck fuck.. am I creating another shell?

fuck..

shit.

I realize this now. I am not changed for the better, just changing my shell. When i wasn't spending time with people, I didn't really need one. Am I making a new one? Oh no.

what the fuck. I don't care.

Fuck you, I like smiling.

And then it makes me hate myself SO bad when I go home and eat and eat and eat and puke and puke and puke and stare at my scars wishing I could cut them back open because I HATE ME and I HATE EXISTING. But I CANT because I CANT. BECAUSE THEN ID LOSE CHRIS BECAUSE HE COULDNT BE LIKE SOMEONE SO MUCH LIKE HIS SISTER AND THEN I'D LOSE MY FACADE AGAIN AND BE ALONE AGAIN AND WHAT THE FUCK THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN.

My mom called two Ts today. Yea, I'm going T shopping.

Objective: Find a reason why one should want to be happy.

Subconcios objective: Make every word they tell me turn around to the truth There is no point in anything, fuck it

I psycoanalyzed a million people this vacation and three new people told me I should be a psycologist. Yea? fuck you, I have no future. There is only the past, which is full of bad decisions, and there is now, which is THE bad decision of NOW.

blah blah blah

I think I should starve my cat.

thinsperation

^ I hate that word.

I hate the words ana and mia too.

and pro-ana

make is glamorous, eh? Make a fucking drop of blood glamorous and build up a chain of web sites about it. fuck alll the bibles of anorexia and bulemia.. Wasted.. fuck you marya hornbacher. No wait - not marya.

I have been talking a lot to Chris, who is my untitled psycoanalyzer, and he links everything back to my dad's abuse and the three 'cases' of sexual harassment.

who cares.
3 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2003|06:58pm]
I am a wreck

.. incurable wreck.

Emotionally unstable. I don't give a fuck if I don't even have a title. I am just a fucking mess.

i dont wanna live
6 comments|post comment

Saving Grace [20 Apr 2003|07:32pm]
Well after these first five days of vacation, I am safe to say that the escape from routine, when handed to you, can be a great gift if it's truly stable.

I have regrasped the love for hunger and emptiness. When the pain is full of starvation, it is quite theraputic. Four days of restriction have not only helped my fat dissapear into the nights with the alcohol running in and through my body, but the emptiness has succeeded in it's all-too-well-known ability to fill you up.

whew, fuck bulemia.

Well.. bulemic with anorexic tendencies.

A day hasn't gone by when I didn't puke at least once.

Chris holding my and caressing my ribs makes me forget about the calories in the shots of lemon drop shots and the desire to get rid of them, his grasp allows me fall into the full realization of that forgotten hunger, that constant hunger brought on by fasting and restriction.

Tomorrow starts my alcohol fast.

Yesterday morning, once again, I woke up with Chris holding me. The previous night had been my worst so far, as explained in an earlier entry, and waking up with him reassured me that he was still there. But there was some extent of attachment missing that I wasn't comfortable with. I needed, I wanted - to know what he was thinking. I don't need you, Chris, I just need stability. Don't let that need be mistaken for needing you. I pulsed to him. Of course, I wasn't successful in reaching him. (-lol, moment of insanity, thank you very much)

Him and Stratman left to run some errands and hang out at Chris's for the day. I had my alone time and continued to clean the party mess. They walked in while I was doing dishes and announced that the power was out at Chris's and they needed to hook something up. They ended staying until 1am the next morning. We painted easter eggs with about 10 other people and watched a movie until about 1 when they left for their own beds. Strat continued his nightly routine of staying at my house. Yuck - this bothers me.

I went to bed alone and hugged stuffed animals and pillows to try to replace another person. Woke up around 9am and checked who was in my house and where. Strat in Keith's room, Lou and his friend in my parent's. Safe. Check the kitchen: yes, Tommy cleaned the mess. Okay, call dad, "When are you picking me up?" okay, half hour. Go upstairs, wear something pastel. Skirt too, it's easter. Okay, skirt, okay, pastel.. and.. oh wait.. white shirt with tie, yes. New sandals, yes. Okay, okay. Makeup? No, no makeup. Hair? no, no hair. Shower? .. no, no shower. pastels, yes, white shirt, yes, skirt, yes.

Yay, I'm seven years old again ready to go to Grandma's party with Daddy. My big brown eyes stare at the traditional sights of Kings Park on Easter; line at the bakery, line at the butcher's, line at the card shop. And there's the little flower stand. Oh pretty flowers. Nice, pretty flowers for mommy. Uh oh, Mommy's in California and I'm all alone. Okay, well, Daddy goes to the butcher and I get some coffee. Okay, off to Daddy's house til 2pm when we go to Grandma's for Easter dinner. We go to Uncle Richie's now. His house is bigger, newer. I miss the smell of Grandpa's pipes, and Cindey, my dear, life long dog at Grandma's house. They stay home, the smell and Cindey, they stay home in the old, smelly house. Okay Daddy's done at the butcher's. Spend some time at daddy's. Go to Easter dinner now. Chocolate, lots of chocolate. Crackers and cheese and peperoni. Wow, all the colors of food are overwhelming!

We got to my uncle's and I truly missed going to my Grandma's. When my aunt got remarried, she moved into a house with my cousins, so that's been the spot. I don't like this at all. I just hung out with my cousin and started binging and watched Armagedon. Text messaged chris which is always interesting and just hung out til I faked sick and went home. But first, we stopped at my Nanny's (Grandma's) house and had a good conversation. My Nanny lost a lot of weight, and she loved when I told her how noticeable it was. She told me I am the thinnest I've ever been. I got red in the face. Then, we had a good, light, political conversation (my grandfather is Syrian) and that was that.

4th hour home alone. What to do tonight. Alone and cold. Alone and cold.
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esophagus [20 Apr 2003|07:15pm]
[ mood | full ]
[ music | Evanescence ]

I really want to update because of my new found, (most likely short lived) ability to pinpoint problems and explain them. but the loud, piercing scream of bulemia calls..

[my name is]: nicole
[height?]: 5'2
[in the morning i am]: weak and depressed
[all i need is]: love
[love is]: what makes you forget the truth about love, it doesn't exist.
[if i could see one person right now]: Katie
[i'm afraid of]: reality
[i dream about]: being thin

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[pictured your crush naked?]: i saw it before i drempt about it :P
[actually seen your crush naked]: lookie ^
[been in love]: not listened to my truth? yea, because thats what i think love is.
[cried when someone died]: not officially 'dumped' but been turned down.. yea
[lied]: of course not (?)

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: diet root beer
[flowers or candy]: flowers
[tall or short]: doesnt matter

-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: appearance? bone structure. personality? level of depth and extent of intellectuality. (i think i made up that word..)
[last person you slow danced with]: wow, it's been a while.. Joe i think
[worst question to ask]: what are you doing tonight?

-W H O-
[makes you laugh the most?]: everyone on 'the video'
[makes you smile]: Mike, Mike, Niki, JJ, Chris, my syblings
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: I guess Chris
[who do you have a crush on?]: if you don't know by now, you're dumb
[has a crush on you?]: if anyone knew me, they wouldn't.
[is easiest to talk to]: definetly Mike

-D O . Y O U . E V E R-

[Stay on aim, waitin for someone special to IM you]: sometimes
[save aol/aim conversations]: sometimes
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: I like being a girl, minus the boobs thank you
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: of course

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: i fell for him before he was my best friend.
[been rejected?]: yep
[rejected someone]: yep
[used someone]: yep
[been cheated on]: hopefully not
[cheated on someone]: yep
[done something you regret]: no, I'm perfect. fucking stupid question

-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-

[you talked to on the phone]: Chris
[hugged]: my Grandma
[you instant messaged]: Katie
[instant messaged you?]: Katie
[you laughed with]: Chris

D O . Y O U / / A R E . Y O U-
[color your hair]: yea..didnt work to well
[ever get off the computer]: no my butt is glued
[habla espanol]: a tid bit
[smoke cigarettes]: yea
[obsessive]: mm hmm
[could you live without the computer?]: no, it's my food
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 88
[what's your favorite food?]: crystal light (yes, it is in fact, food. 10 calories)
[whats your favorite fruit?]: watermelon
[drink alcohol?]: yea man
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: yea
[what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?]: emotional, physical is relieving
[trust others way too easily?]: yes

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esophagus [20 Apr 2003|07:15pm]
[ mood | full ]
[ music | Evanescence ]

I really want to update because of my new found, (most likely short lived) ability to pinpoint problems and explain them. but the loud, piercing scream of bulemia calls..

[my name is]: nicole
[height?]: 5'2
[in the morning i am]: weak and depressed
[all i need is]: love
[love is]: what makes you forget the truth about love, it doesn't exist.
[if i could see one person right now]: Katie
[i'm afraid of]: reality
[i dream about]: being thin

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[pictured your crush naked?]: i saw it before i drempt about it :P
[actually seen your crush naked]: lookie ^
[been in love]: not listened to my truth? yea, because thats what i think love is.
[cried when someone died]: not officially 'dumped' but been turned down.. yea
[lied]: of course not (?)

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: diet root beer
[flowers or candy]: flowers
[tall or short]: doesnt matter

-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: appearance? bone structure. personality? level of depth and extent of intellectuality. (i think i made up that word..)
[last person you slow danced with]: wow, it's been a while.. Joe i think
[worst question to ask]: what are you doing tonight?

-W H O-
[makes you laugh the most?]: everyone on 'the video'
[makes you smile]: Mike, Mike, Niki, JJ, Chris, my syblings
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: I guess Chris
[who do you have a crush on?]: if you don't know by now, you're dumb
[has a crush on you?]: if anyone knew me, they wouldn't.
[is easiest to talk to]: definetly Mike

-D O . Y O U . E V E R-

[Stay on aim, waitin for someone special to IM you]: sometimes
[save aol/aim conversations]: sometimes
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: I like being a girl, minus the boobs thank you
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: of course

-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: i fell for him before he was my best friend.
[been rejected?]: yep
[rejected someone]: yep
[used someone]: yep
[been cheated on]: hopefully not
[cheated on someone]: yep
[done something you regret]: no, I'm perfect. fucking stupid question

-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-

[you talked to on the phone]: Chris
[hugged]: my Grandma
[you instant messaged]: Katie
[instant messaged you?]: Katie
[you laughed with]: Chris

D O . Y O U / / A R E . Y O U-
[color your hair]: yea..didnt work to well
[ever get off the computer]: no my butt is glued
[habla espanol]: a tid bit
[smoke cigarettes]: yea
[obsessive]: mm hmm
[could you live without the computer?]: no, it's my food
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 88
[what's your favorite food?]: crystal light (yes, it is in fact, food. 10 calories)
[whats your favorite fruit?]: watermelon
[drink alcohol?]: yea man
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: yea
[what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?]: emotional, physical is relieving
[trust others way too easily?]: yes

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