Crown of shit....'s journal

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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
12:34 pm - i wish i hated you half as much as i hate myself
okay...well..i am kinda better than i was earlier this week...ryan and i pretty much jumped and danced out a lot of bad energy...twas a good couple of days..got a little drunk...got really fucking hyper..and just fucking jumped around...i got a lot of exercise...


i miss jeff...but i really really really...really..dont want to go out with him..he hasnt even apologized to my face...so really...it just proves that he REALLY doesnt give a shit about me and prolly never did...

fall out boy makes me go like this :-o :-))) they are way too fucking great..and relevant to my current situation..

and when it all goes to hell...will you be able to tell me youre sorry with a straight face?

sigh...thats what i fucking want!!! i want him to say that he is fucking sorry!!! because he fucking hurt me!!! because all that confidence and happiness he gave me...he crushed and fucking burned....

okay...guys suck..im convinced they only go out wiht me to use to me and to hurt me as much as they possibly can..because they always seem to do exactly that....boys suck suck suck suck....

i need a fucking chick..thats all i have to say...

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Friday, December 16th, 2005
6:55 pm - You've got to come original.....
i love love love love that song..okay.update on my life....

jeff cheated...it hurt real bad..blah blah blah....i would like to be over it..but i was told monday...so im trying to convince myself that its okay to still be upset...i still really fucking like him...and he hasnt \even said sorry in person...im hoping that he didnt tell every girl he ever went with what he told me....that would kill me..but..o wel..and i dont understand y with mary>?!?! dude...i think its cuz i didnt put out....we went out for 3 weeks...i dont put out that fucking easy....he is telling everyone that he is sorry except me....he tells everyone that he is really sad and that he still really likes me..but if he gave a flying fuck about me he wouldnt have fingered her?...am i correct?...i believe i am...i still really like him..and i still care a lot about him..and i dont want him to be sad..but im sick of being walked all over

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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
9:06 pm - kill the lights!
hmm..i am updating because brandi yelled at me via comment....

ok...so..i just killed my hair...wow i havent said that in a long time...tis red tips and crap again..nothing wild...i wonder how it will turn out..i havent killed my hiar in a long time..and i am hoping i didnt miss n e where...

YOU BETTER MAKE THEM EARN IT!! MAKE THEM EARN IT!!!!

i love afi...they make me soo happy..and they make me laugh..and want to cry..and fall in love....

thats what i want right now...i want to be in love soo bad..i miss the feeling of being in love..when u look at their face and love everything about them....sigh..i want that back..but not with sean...i was stupid for being in love wiht him..and i knowi was...i loved him..i was soo in love wiht hhim...he took advantage of that...and of me....i am desperate for that feeling..it is a great feeling...i suggest everyone try it

we've fallen in love, we've fallen in love, it was the best idea i ever had......

good song..and it makes sense with the blurty...go me....

listen to The Juliana theory.....now..i will update tomrrow and be more interesting?

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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
7:30 pm - guys suck!
ok...well...im not feelin so hot...physically and otherwise...i feel like shit all over...enough to miss my game this morning...i think im going to barf...and cry...and explode for that matter.....

guys officially suck...find me a kewl grrl...i think i will fall in love...

ok well jeff hadnt told me that he cheated on his exgirlfriend...whom i have known since i was about 7... i dont know what to believe...i have no doubt that he cheated..i should have assumed just by the way that he treated me when going out with his most recent ex....i mean he was always hugging me and things along those lines behind her back..and i dont know y i trusted him...he has told me a lot of sweet things of which i took as things he really felt...im just hoping that he didnt tell everyone that...he is a sweetheart...he really is..but i dont know if he ever meant them...i wonder just how many girls he treated the same way as he treated me...i wonder how many girls he was meeting after classes to kiss in the hall ways...he basically gave me everything i wanted...he kissed me in public...which i craved from a guy for a long time...he was protective..and loving...which i need most of the time...he is good looking...and i love kissing him...its sad that my blurty is a place for me to complain about guys and how they make me so sad...but this is a place i go to write what other ppl dont want shoved in their faces...so i will go on...being sad about a guy...

he made me happy...not truely happy...but for a good 4 days..i felt really really really good...not even me and brandi argueing brought me down...i mean i felt the best i had in like..i duno...a year maybe?...and then it all came down with a crash..and i was back to wishing in every situation that i would die..and its pathetic...like when we turn in a car..i wish someone would t-bone the car on my side...when we are speeding down the highway i wish i had the guts to open that door and fly out...when i cross the street...i wish someone would hit me...i want someone to be blamed for my death..so if i survive i wont be questioned....that is soo greedy of me....

i want to die...over a guy....i deserve to be shot just for that...maybe its not only that...i think that now that i have no good vibes from jeff..i can worry about me and brandi rubbing eachother the wrong way..she is sick..and hasnt been on for 2 days..i would call her but besides the fact that i dont know where she is...i dont have n e of her #'s written down...so im just hoping she will call my house on sunday or something...

jesus i am pathetic....i hope jeff wont lie to me...

current mood: crushed
current music: none ..cuz im at my dads...

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Friday, November 11th, 2005
3:47 pm - another paper cut....
this song is a poem to myself....

ok..well today was alright..brandi isnt on and i am worried about her?..she is a sick baby...one that needs to be taken care of..she should live with me..i would take care of her...

were tired of lies we want the truth...,i love antiflag...

ok..well i think im being "played" and im letting it happen..which is pathetic on my part..i dont see what else i can give..nothing..

im in a pretty good mood..not in a bad one i dont want to play tomorrow..but i iwll..and i will hate it...

two hot guys making out is one of the hottest things on this earth..holy shit is it hot...im trying to figure out which is hotter..two guys..or two girls....two guys always seems to have more of an emotional bond...so its hot and adorable..i notice a lot of girls just do it to show off to guys and stuff...otherwise it is hot....

i am going to my dads this weekend..so like i cant do ne thing and it sucks
...sigh..guys are sexy ...

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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
6:11 pm - take a look at my girlfriend....
ok...well today was a good day...

first off i got up early..which i was proud of...my room wasnt 2 degrees...and my hair looked good...

that was a good start...

then i got to school and everyone greeted me very sweetly...i felt special and cassie got me laughing...everyone hugged me and i was just standing around hugging everyone.....

then...we did nothing in school and i understood my math test...we got to crap around in english and just have fun...i t was great....

then...jeff asked me to stay after school...and so i did.....derek was a little upset the whole time..and i just wanted to make him feel better...that bitch broke his heart man...he didnt deserve that....katie came with us so it made the fun 10x better...

katie left at 4 and it was me and the guys...we got dairy queen and i was cracking up..it felt like 7th grade...

jeff was being sweet to me the whole time....i like being hugged and held...and the guys were being really nice...shorty was CRACKING us up with how stupid he can be...shorty was high...duh....

then..we got back to the school when it started to get dark..and jeff had to hide int he school from his mom...

we all went behind a brick wall..and me and jeff were kissing...jesus he is a good kisser!...and thats how my day pretty much ended..on a good note...very..very good note...he doesnt wanna go out wiht me tho..i think he just wants to have fun with me and jojo...which i fear because i have NO idea what jojo has...o well..maybe he is just waiting...for what..i dunno...

:-D

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
10:53 pm - dane cook is the fucking man
wow..he is sooo fucking funny it hurts ...he makes me laugh way to much..i threw up just from listening to it..

i love everyone...i dont really have n e thing to write today...

jeff is kewl..hes a kewl cat...

im a bit bored...nothing to overly look forward to..i have a feeling somethings gonna go wrong tomorrow
i dont know if im going..

im in a lovey mood..i want someone here right now in this moment....i want someone strong...someone a little buff...a guy...someone i feel safe with...i feel loving...eh...i know im only 14 ...but i dont like living by myself..i want to live with someone im allowed to sleep next to...i want someone to fall asleep on..:-) and not get bitched at for it...

ive been thinkin about my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it? when ya gonna ring it?

i dont like being single n e more...gets boring after a while...

i love you!

current mood: affectionate
current music: white stripes ~my doorbell

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4:09 pm - come one angel...lets talk this over
ok...first thinger under this name..its just not the same :-(...o well...something new

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