Kill me.   
12:24am 06/07/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Hello - Evanescence
Yup ok i really want to find something to make me get away from this life. Whether its death or another world take me there. I dont care anymore i have nothing, my life is useless. Dammit. Everyone has someone to confide in... to hug... to hold. I never had that... never will.



Yea... i want to have someone ...


And if its not possible... just grant my wish.
 
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Deep Thoughts   
11:59pm 05/07/2003
 
mood: thoughtful
music: Tourniquet - Evanescence
Yea ive had alot ot those lately. I came to find everynight when im going to sleep i attempt to suffocate in my pillow... i dont know i dont understand life anymore. I am just so fat... ugly... and yea... i hate myself. I just cant take myself or any of the shit i take everyday... its not normal and i know it... and the question why me always burns in the back of my mind. It feels like i have the scar like Harry only you cant see... it burns when my demon inside me just wants to end my life. Today i went to Jackies sister's grad party and i feel horrible i couldnt get her anything but my asshole father is a jerk... thats why i have to get a job so i dont have to be dependent upon him and i dont have to be controlled as much. Yea i had fun till i came back home and i realized my reality. But enough of my shit... you all dont care. Ill just waste my boredom on useless quizes.

HASH(0x8738fec)

You were a ghost. You haunted people. You flew.
You had fun.


Where was your soul last?
brought to you byQuizilla

I actually wouldnt be too surprised about that... considering all the weird things that happen. Well also the fact of what someone said to me once...

HASH(0x86f4bdc)

Hanging. This is most like you because you want to
make somewhat of a spectacle out of your death.
It shows that you are organized and cool headed
because you had to slip the noose over your
neck, then actually hang yourself. This is an
almost painless way to go...you may not dislike
pain but you prefer no pain. You are different
than gun shot in that you are not impulsive and
you have thought this through thoroughly.


What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm interesting... almost what i tryed to do a few monthes back... took my shirt and pulled it to my neck. Yup close... suffocating is what i thought i would get... or starvation.



What in a cemetery are you? by FictionalVixen.


Wow yea.. very true. There are a lot of things i dont tell any of you at all... many... hmm yea but just because i got this result doesnt mean im going to tell you now. Yup and i am very creative when i get that mood. I guess it saves me.

You're Mary. You just want to be normal and fit in.
You try to be really sweet, colourful and happy
to mask your true feelings but nobody really
notices or cares what you do however beautiful
you are.


Which Lisbon Girl (From Virgin Suicides) Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm yea i guess i could be her... minus the beauty part and the fact she dies of putting her head in an oven... yea i wouldnt want to face my demise that way... i have other ideas.
 
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My heart has sunk... drowning in the dark.   
01:13pm 04/07/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Voodoo - Godsmack
"Ok, a few things to tell those who I do care for...I am making a new screen name for my friends only. I have finally blown up. Two people have finally made me lose it, and I am obviously not going to give them my screen name. Anyway, new journal, new poetry name...etc. I can't take it anymore. Blamed for EVERYTHING and when I try to solve things they become even more cruel. I am sick and tired of it. Only thing that worries me is I am going to be in drama with one of the people next year. I am not dropping out of course! I am not going to let her win this fight. However, I really wish we aren't in the same class because I just don't feel like putting up with it anymore. She thinks she is hurt....well, then, perhaps I should show her all of the IMs where she hurt me. We are equal, but at least I always tried to solve it. Every single time we got in a fight I would be the one to go up to her and say I'm sorry....even if I didn't start it...I had to end it. Well, she can write whatever she wants about me now. I know she will anyway. Even if this is the first time I am writing something completely about her. This is goodbye to her because I am no longer going to EVER speak to her."

Yup i finally found out her true feelings about me. And i know its me. She took me off her friends list of the journal... im not able to comment... she has been ignoring me forever... talking about me to other members of the party crew. Well yes i am HURT. So hurt that i have sunk to a bottom low. Well i guess i was totally wrong... the party crew wont live on. Now im just gonna sit here and choke on my tears... because im dying of regret and lonliness now. I cant believe all this has hit me in the face in just one weekend. I WANT TO DIE IM DONE I CANT TAKE IT... i just cant. :*(
 
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*tear*   
03:56am 04/07/2003
 
mood: sad
music: Watching A Walk To Remember *singing to Its Gonna Be Love*
I dont know if its that im so damn tired that im so highly emotional or that i have finally cracked... somebody please tell me why i am. Im watching A Walk To Remember... Jess is dead asleep... something i should be right now. Im on the verge of crying hysterically... wonder why... and no its not the movie i promise you that. I dont know it may just be the thought i want someone so bad... someone i could love and be loved by back... someone i could tell everything too... i havent been hugged in years. Yet alone even told i was loved... and had them mean it. I feel so damn alone... even when im in a crowd of people. Hell i dont know anymore... maybe i should just put myself to sleep now... since i cant on my own... i may be better off... and everyone else may be too *sigh*
 
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Ive finally lost it   
02:22am 04/07/2003
 
mood: blank
music: Watchin Harry Potter (Seans beautiful accent *sigh*)
Well i finished the book! Yayness! I stayed up till 4 in the morning to do so... but boy was it worth it. Especially because i would have been extremely upset if one more person rubbed who died in my face spoiling the whole book... i think of that as most the reason i forced myself to stay awake and do so. But yea... turns out when i woke up my life was still hell.

Apparently yesturday i missed my mom? Well this afternoon she called me... well more like the morning for me i woke up at 2. I just had got out of the shower she called around 3. But yea we fought the whole time... and this time full on admitted she chose Barry over me. Sad really... my own mom choose an asshole whose wife left him for his own brother over her own daughter... or worse of known as me.... yup who would want anything to do with me anyways?

My dad once again gave me the college talk... telling me my dreams were not me thinking in realistic terms... so basically it all brought me to finally getting my application for my summer job... although i still really dont think college is for me... i wanna try out my dream.. thats the only reason im still living anyways i want to see if i really could be come a movie or music star... if it doesnt work then i could practice what i preach in my writing on allpo... after all im beginning to teach myself to actually like pain as sick as it may sound. Oo well...

I am desperate to do anything with music again.. im shaky not being involved in something... i would try out for the SVP but im not good enough... although it sounds like so much fun... maybe one day...

Im also so damn freaked out... sats next year ::shiver:: my god... how many more college talks... at this thought i just wanna fall to the floor and cry till i die... damnit do i hate this.

Jess ended up staying for the night... hence Lucifer does not know... although he knew she was coming in... so hey he never said when she had to leave... besides its good im not alone... taking all this in today could have made me act crazy since my dad left me here for the 4th of July weekend. But that was to be expected he did the same to me last year... although Jackie saved me last minute... thank god for the party crew... i would be dead... i really would.

But yea its getting really late... my eyes begining to look bloodshot... not good... i think its time to lay down.
 
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Screaming inside my empty room...   
05:12pm 02/07/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Hello - Evanescence
Yup thats what i have been doing for the past 3 days... i have not made one attempt to go outside at all. I think i finally have realized why. Im beginning to miss my mom to death... and it really feels like she died. I havent seen her ever since i was thrown back to my father and the last time i talked to her it went horribly wrong. She has been in and out of the emergency room... and no one had the decency to even tell me. I dont know what my life is coming too but it os becoming a disaster. I would have stayed with my mom and not have moved back but i missed my friends terribly and i HATE my stepfather with a passion. He seemed nice at first... understanding... but then he let his true colors show... then called the police on me... and lied to them... leaving me a scar of another horrible memory in my life.

Also my dad ruined my whole Sweet 16... it seemed like i was having fun but on the inside i was SCREAMING and dying within myself... my dad had brought it to a torture.

My dog has to get surgery... he is sick yet again... and something that can be fatal has once again came to my baby. I love snowy so much, he is the only one that is always there when i need it. Lying in my lap, sleeping next to me when i cry at night... and now he could die during surgery... lord help me.

I miss voice lessons so damn much... now sara has gotten them writing the whole lesson and posting it on her journal... which i would do but its getting to me. My dad made me leave voice lessons 2 years ago because he was mad at me and i was really getting better... now i feel like im getting worse... and i love to sing... i dont want to loose my talent i want to make it even stronger.

So much more has been getting to me lately and all of it is just building up onto my shoulders and im not able to move on... i dont know you tell me if im overeacting. That lil Tara bitch said it to me when Kristen was getting on my case... but then again she also said i have no problems and i make them up for attention HA! No problems? I WISH! Oo trust me i would love to live a stress free life... then i wouldnt need the damn journal to keep me sane. Life really sucks... it really does.
 
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.. .. .. ..   
10:33pm 01/07/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: Tourniquet - Evanescence
mysterious
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yea and i wonder when i will be able to use that mysteriousness this quiz says i have. Ill probably never have a boyfriend, and thats a fact. Im so damn unloved by everyone. What i would do to have someone... im just so damn lonely. Not to mention i always will be considering im so fat and ugly and stupid. Yea you get the idea. I hate myself.

You will die young, doing something daring.  Your death will be tragic.  Sorry.
Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.


At what age will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

And sadly i dont seem to be bothered by that result. I really dont care anymore. Ill probably be better off.
 
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...   
09:35pm 01/07/2003
 
mood: confused
music: Everybodys Fool - Evanescence
Im finding myself so damn confused all of a sudden. For once i really thought i had ran off leaving my depression in the dust... but all of a sudden it began to sneak up on me. Im not as bad as i was before, im not pricking my wrists or anything anymore but i dont know... its weird. All it took was to be alone on my birthday and now i havent been outside at all for 2 days. Its like i shut myself out of the world. I dont know... whatever. I really dont know what to say... i cant explain this really.
 
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Ugh...   
03:31pm 01/07/2003
 
mood: infuriated
music: Imaginary - Evanescence
You know it was only a matter of time before this would happen. Everything for my birthday was ruined and now the book was ruined. Im on chapter 27 right now... 11 more chapters to go... and then i go to read my friends journal and just because she finished she posted who died. Now come on what the hell! I was reading the damn book slow so i could remember everything and now the book is ruined. I dont even feel like reading it anymore. UGH i am so mad. I was using this book to get away from this peice of shit people call the world and now i cant even read it without it being spoiled. You this was just a matter of time... everything in my life is ment to be ruined, im not allowed to enjoy anything am i! FUCK IT! This is so damn gay. FUCK EVERYTHING.
 
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Blah   
05:23pm 30/06/2003
 
mood: blah
music: Forget My Name - New Found Glory
I spent my whole birthday sitting on my ass. I think this was the worst one yet well except my 11th birthday when i woke up to an empty house and was admited to that my birthday was forgotten. Yea i guess thats just the way my life is, ill always be the third wheel, or forgotten about everything, thrown in the dark and left to die. Yup thats me lovely isnt it? Yea the only thing my dad said to me today was "Snowflake has to get surgery." Yup thats my birthday gift, my dog i love to death has to have surgery that he is very capable of dying during the procedure. That makes me just jump with joy. So yea im on chapter 23 of Harry Potter and The Order Of The Pheonix now. My god its getting so damn complicated, but i love it. When i read that book i just escape my reality like i am there with them, going through exactly what they are, its such a rush. I really wish i could live in that world... as dangerous as it may be it would give my life more of a meaning and something more to live for. I really hate this world so much, i would die just to live in a world like Harry Potter... i really would. I would rather die of Voldemorts wrath than sit here and be forgotten... like in the house of the Dursleys... i really feel like i do live there, me taking Harrys role. Yup my life sucks... ill just be waiting by my window for an owl with my invite to hogwarts... even tho i would be starting as a 6th year i would go in a heartbeat. Ok well you all probably think im insane... so im going to go eat more and get even fatter and read more Harry Potter and see who is actually going to die... i was totally thrown off about that dream.. so now im attached to the book trying to figure out whats going on. So lets see what Christmas on the closed ward is gonna open up for my mind to wander to...
 
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Happy Birthday To Me...   
11:41am 30/06/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Runaway - Linkin Park
Whoo yea im 16 at 9:05 tonight. Although i would have been more estatic about it if i didnt wake up this morning to not seeing my dog. I wish my dad would have went to work but he took off and went somewhere and took the dog too. So im all alone... yea. I wish this would just end, i wanted to have fun at the party... and i did at times... but its my dad. I just want him to go away and never see him again! I hate him so much!! He ruined everything for me and tonight he is making me go to a birthday dinner with him... thats just going to make this worse. Im going to probably come home and just kill myself after that. Omg someone just call me and save me from this, i really dont wanna be alone, especially today :(.
 
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This is a nightmare!   
06:31pm 29/06/2003
 
mood: pessimistic
music: "Does Anyone Here Know Where The Water Show is?" lol
Omg i never knew that not being able to invite people was going to be this much of a deal. I tryed so hard to have everyone come but no matter what something always happens. Dont get me wrong i had fun at the party, but at some points i just wanted to break down and cry because of my dad and now i have a friend all angry that she couldnt go. Well let me question the friend part. I heard many things she has said about me and i dont know why she would say something like that... but knowing that i also was about to cry A LOT during the party. This is so damn confusing and i am so damn tired. I really want to confront her and say something but i dont wanna be a complete bitch.. so i probably wont. Hell i dont know.... this is never going to end. Im just going to read more of the book and escape my reality for a little... i really need to... and thats the only thing i could think of doing to get me out of this world except for dying... but i feel like i am right now anyway, this sunburn kills :(
 
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Yay im officially 16 tomorrow! Who0o Who0ot!   
04:53pm 29/06/2003
 
mood: tired
music: Are You Happy Now - Michelle Branch
The party was a blast! Not including some minor moments where i almost commited suicide lol. No not literally but yea i think i wanted to kill myself alot whenever my dad was around grr... did he bring the party down. ::gasp gasp gasp:: whoo... ok ok but yea it was alot of fun still. The sleepover was insane! Katie was late so Jackie, Jess and I were running around outside for an hour waiting lol. "Bad cop no doughnut!" haha yea we had a nice dance party in the court too... yea that was wicked lol. Once Katie came we all went upstairs and opened gifts.
Katie - "YAM!" haha thats the best card thank you! Now we have our purty henna tattoos! haha and a finding nemo tattoo! Now thats the shit, just like the train whoo whoo! haha
Jackie - Your card was so nice, thank you! I love the pajamas too... it is all about me isnt it? lol j/k thank you so much! Bugs Bunny Land will always be the hot spot... and come on the Carosel was hot! haha
Jess - Without you there it wouldnt be that insane lol! I GOT THE SPATUALA! And man does that picture on the card scare me lol but thank you anywayz! The posters kick ass, Neo is on top of my bed all the time now! haha
Yup yup that was alot of fun. Then we played DDR and ate! haha well Katie, Jackie and I did... Jess locked herself in my closet and read Harry Potter.... actually... she did that all night... and when i say all night i mean it lol. We went downstairs for cake at like 10:30 lol but it was all good... the singing was VERY interesting hahaha! Now that cake was kickin! who0o0! lol. Then we went back upstairs and watched a really twisted show lol it was so funny tho! Katie i wanna see the penquin haha! And we really stayed up ALL night i swear. Jackie slept about an hour. Jess was up the whole time reading. I didnt sleep one second and Katied had about 45 minutes.

In the morning i was basically acting drunk lol. Yea... so we took like 2 1/2 hours to get ready since we were all dead haha it was kinda funny. When we finally left we went to dunkin doughnuts for breakfast. On the way we were being attacked by old men ahhhh! lol that was scary! Then at dunkin doughnuts i was like being attacked by my impatient devil father and he was yelling at Jackie too... i got so angry with him and i realized it was going to be worse thoughout the day... which it was but we will get into that later. So yea we werent really getting anywhere and everyone was done eating but my dad is so damn overprotective over his new little car that he wouldnt let us bring out drinks in... so i basically forced him to get over it and let them take thier drinks because no one was going to spill them! Although he said we would... we didnt. So then Jackie started falling asleep in the car... and can you blame her? We had no sleep! And my dad goes "Get her drink she is going to spill it everywhere!" and I was like, "Dad she is awake shes drinking right now" Then she just put her head back and he wacked out again. "If she spills that im going to kill you and youll pay for it. Ill make you clean it all." I was like... "Um what can i do about it... Im not going to grab her drink out of her hands and put it away..." God he is such an ass. Then he starts to text message while driving down a really curvy road... and ok of course im going to say something since he basically died in a car accident and was brought back when i was in third grade. So when i brought that up he like wacked out and threatened to take us home... so basically the rest of the car ride was silent... except for Jess and Jackie talking in the backseat but i didnt feel like turning around and barging into thier conversation so i just sat there staring out the window and text messaging Katie the whole rest of the way there.

When we got there Jess and Katie went off to get thier free tickets and Jackie and I had to go with my dad to go pay for ours and Jackie and i just were talking th whole time trying not to have to even bother with my dad and then Jess and Katie came back and we got on a line to go in and we split up with my dad (thank god!) I was like falling asleep on Jess in the line lol i was sooooooo tired! We were strip searched! lol no im just kidding but yea we ALL had bag trouble lmao. Once we got in we ran to the swings lol. We were flying chi's! Who0o0o! lol Then Jess and Jackie went on the spin thing lol yea the spin thing thats right!! And Jess' ears were flying away! lol. Then Katie got an awesome henna tattoo. Right after we went in the Houdini house thing... lol yea! And when the hell did that box get there? lol this thing was like shaking by the entrance. Ahh the little ride freaked me out we were upside down but not! lol ahhh! After that went to go check out the superman line but whoa! lol the line was like a 4 hour wait haha but hey atleast i was already on it before! We went shopping a few times and then i called my dad so we could go have lunch and he was being so annoying with the phone! He kept sending me messages and i swear my bill will be like 1000000000000 because of him and then he is gonna take it away i know it. Ughhhh so yea anyways he called me an asshole on the phone and stuff and then we finally got to the car but once i did i was so disgusted i refused to eat and just had some soda. I just wanted to split up again so bad, he was making me misrable... and all i wanted was a great day. So when we split up again we went on skull mountain! lol and when we got to the front we split off to get a line to a seat and we lost Jackie and Jess! They were waiting for the first seat but Katie and I just went to any random one and then these girls let us go ahead of them so we got on so fast lol. Omg i actually got scared for a minute lol it was pitch black in there hahaha. Then Katie and I were waiting for Jackie and Jess and we finally got outta there lol. Then we went on the skyride yay! haha. It was fun yelling random names out... no one yelled back tho! Ahhh oo well.... lol. Then we really wanted to go on the log flume but omg the line was insane haha so then we ended up walking all the way back to the main part after the skyride took us to the other side haha. I decided i wanted a henna tattoo too lol so we went back and Katie ended up getting 2 more and Jackie got one too. I got the chinese symble for dream on the back of my shoulder, Katie got 2 paw prints like eve and Jackie got the chinese symble for angel - hers came out awesome! Then we all went shopping and got attacked to get a picture takin lol so yea we took one and went shopping some more lol. Then we finally decided to go on a ride so we all ran to Medusa. The line wasnt that bad actually... considering the park was so incredibly overcrowded because of this big gosple fest lol. So yea we waited like 20 minutes and finally got on Medusa, IT WAS AWESOME. That was deffinatly worth the wait, i dont remember it like that lol. Then i was trying to reinact Jess like getting strangled and her necklact like stretched and we me made streamers!!! lol Then we like shoved them in her purse. After that we all went to the car to have some dinner... UGH my dad... "Meet me by bus bunny land" 10 minutes later he doesnt show up. So i called him again. "Where are you?" "Im at the exit of Bugs Bunny land, are you at the tree? What are you fucking stupid you should know to go to the exit of bugs bunny land." I was like riiight yea i really know about Bugs Bunny land having a exit... i go there so much lol. So yea he was being all pissy but i ate this time, and i acted really nice on purpose and i got some money! haha. Omg Jackie my burp wasnt pitiful this time!! lmao! OMG and it was so funny when we tryed to get back in!! They had to to check Jess' bag and she opened the bag and the "streamer" popped out at the lady and she had to use a stick to see what was in there and then she got to Jackies bag opened that and then handed it to a man to have it checked too it was so funny! They were being so damn overprotective! They like strip searched a baby! LMAO it was so funny hahaha. Then we all like jetted to Nitro... the wait was like 30 minutes but Katie was attractin the attention of a pretty damn decent guy whoo0o haha Katie. The ride was awesome! I never remembered it like that... haha "Omg its never going to stop going up... omg... AHHHHHHHHHH!" hahaha. That was a wicked ride who0o0ot. Then i attempted at getting dippin dots but this man was unbelievable lol i was going to like take my spoon and stab him with it haha so Katie had to order for me it was so funny haha. Then we all went to play games and stuff we didnt win anything but it was fun anyway lol i could not throw a quarter. So then we all went to the fountain and sat down and i called my asshole father to see what was going on about the fireworks and he ended up being near the fountain oh joy. So yea we ended up fighting some more and i walked away and we all decided to just go home. He then put on a little act and won me 2 prizes as his excuse "I won you prizes so dont be rude to me" Although i cant be rude when he is constantly on my nerve. Then we got lost in the ghetto cause he was being that idiot that he is. So i talked a little in the car and just fell asleep. I was like half awake when Katie left so i dont know if she heard me say bye lol sorry bout that. Then my dad got angry about people leaving a party and started speeding down the road and got lost and was yelling at me... but of course that was my fault. When we finally got home Jackie had left soon after and Jess stayed over one last night cuz my dad mysteriously let her stay. My dog somehow escaped the cage when we were gone and went on a rampage and the trash can was knocked over with trash everywhere and yea... my dad was pissed but i guess when he was such an ass the whole time he deserved it. Jess and i basically just went right to sleep we were so worn out.

Today Jess and I woke up around 11 and we watched Never Been Kissed and 10 Things I Hate About you and read Harry Potter. Just now my dad started being an ass again we were watching tv and he just walked right in and changed the channel on us and then started saying nasty shit to me right in front of Jess. "Blah Blah Blah You never fixed up your room what are you to "sick" to clean, you know i could just forget to pay the phone bill like you forgor to make your bed and cancel the number." I just yelled "WILL YOU PLEASE......!" And hes like you better stop it. OMG stop it my ass. Katie i now cheer you on with what you did to satan! Anyways yup now im sitting here... burning from my sunburn... im gonna be like african when it turns to a tan lol.
 
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Its gettin hot in herre! haha   
08:40pm 26/06/2003
 
mood: exhausted
music: Head Strong - Trapt
Boy was today hot... haha well guess where i was yet again? The pool yay! hehe. Well this morning i was just spending some time on my poetry page and adding a new poem. Then Jess came over and thats when we went to the pool and whoa was i hyper? lol ::dances with snowy:: "We are gonna have cake to-mor-rooow!" haha. The pool was fun, Jess and I hung out for a while and then i called Nicole and she showed up a bit later. I think i was there for about 3 hours lol and my face is all red... ouchie. lol it was so funny when Nicole, Jess, Billy, Jeanette and I tried to play tangle "Im free!" haha. This afternoon was pretty damn good. When i got home my dad was like screaming at Snowy... so i stayed out of the way and went upstairs to play some games of ddr! Boy am i obsessed with that game lol. Then i took a shower and watched some tv. Yup that was my day... exciting right? lol. Welp tomorrow is my party who0o0o0oo who0o0o0o0t! I have to clean up a bit in the morning then im gonna go swimming, and Jess said she was gonna come earlier and we will have some pizza. Everyone else should come at 8:00 and then the fun begins... "sudsy" haha. Yea we are gonna play ddr, chill, maybe some karaoke, have cake, and yeaaaaa. haha Saturday we are gonna wake up mad early if its not raining and get down to six flags yay! Cant wait this is gonna be a blast! Ill write about it sunday! Till then muuuuaaaahhhh!
 
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Whoa...   
10:12am 26/06/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: Mizzunderstood - Bon Jovi
I really dont know how to explain this, but i will try. I was walking home from shoprite with Jess around 10:00 and when we got behind Krauzers something really weird happened. Most of you who have been there you will know that long sidewalk with the fence around it by the really steep hill. As soon as i began to walk on it i felt horrible... like something just slapped me in the face and sumthing really bad was going to happen. For those of you who read Harry Potter it was like a dementor was around. Thats how it felt. I was so scared but me and Jess continued walking home. I was so nervous i began acting really stupid like i was retarded or sumthing, and i was shaking uncontrollably. I cant say much more about this here, but if you wanna know more just let me know and ill tell you personally.
 
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I am the most oblivious person arent i?   
07:22pm 25/06/2003
 
mood: discontent
music: Hit The Floor - Linkin Park
I had just wrote that i was worried about a friend now finding that they are currently frustrated with me. It seems recently my social life has crashed and burned. It all started with this little disgusting bitch spread to Kristen then once it hit her obviously her little brainwashed clan turned their backs and now its slowly creeping to one of my closest groups. This is the one group that i thought would live on through it all... but boy was i wrong.

It seems like everyone just wants to fight. This is reminding me so much of the book. They said to stay united, and dont fight. Yet they all are breaking away. This seems to be happening everywhere... even in a book. Is this a message for sumthing? What is going on with this world? Lord... really... all i want for my birthday is for all my friends to stand united and be happy. Please let a miracle happen.
 
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la la la...   
05:36pm 25/06/2003
 
mood: hopeful
music: Bridge Over Troubled Water - Clay Aiken
My party is comin closer and closer ... i cant wait :) its been years since ive had one. Yesturday Jess and I walked to the CVS to pick up the pictures, they came out pretty damn good! Afterwards we went swimmin! Yup thats sumthin im gonna spend like my whole entire summer doin haha. Im so into the Harry Potter book its not even funny! lol last night i refused to go to bed and i read 4 chapters. Im such a slow reader when it comes to this book but i want to understand every bit! Although im not going to say much more... i dont want to ruin any part for anyone... ill discuss it when everyone is done... since im just such a cool bean... haha. Today i didnt do much im basically relaxing... afterall everyone needs atleast one relaxin day a week. I basically just played DDR, read more Harry Potter and went to the pool for a lil. After dinner im goin over Jess' to chill... so yea my dayz not over yet lol. ::yawn:: wow im so tired today.

I love the summer so much, i am so happy school is over. The more and more i am away from Kristen and her friends the more i am becoming me again. I was never myself when i was around them, i never felt i could be. Now im becoming a lil more confident, independant, and overall a great person. Its amazing how much of a change could be made just by the people you hang out with and i happened to learn that the hard way. So who cares if im not in the lil popular crowd, im really happy where i am now.

lol Nicole "You say Dibble when you see it and Dabble when you dav it!" that was so funny.

Also... im finding one of my friends pulling back... i can just sense it. I really wish i could help but im afraid to speak up. Everytime i talk to her she just seems to not even care... or want to talk. I hope i didnt do anything to make her angry or upset or sumthing... i am so damn confused. I just want to see every single one of my friends happy for just one moment. Thats all i ask... that would be my only wish for my birthday. But what am i sayin... my wishes will never be granted. They never were in my life, and never will be. Although if it does occur, it will be a miracle.
 
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Just 8 more dayz till im 16... 6 till the party!   
06:22pm 22/06/2003
 
mood: happy
music: Paint It Black - Vanessa Carlton
Yup ill finally be 16 June 30... and the first thing im going out to do is getting a job. lol yup thats right considering i now have a $40 bill coming every 5th of the month. Id have to say this was a kick ass weekend. Yesturday i went out at 9 am to get the Harry Potter book and it the last one! Ok now really... i havent had this good of luck in so long! Right after i got the book instead of going home my dad drove to the mall and when we parked he said, "Im gettin your phone today" I freaked lol. So we went to the verizon store first and i got a LG. Its really cool. Its a flip phone in color... i have to download some games onto it tho... and i wanna ring tone, but hey im mad happy with this phone, i wanted one for so long haha. My number is 8929849 so leave me a message sumtime :-Þ. After i got my phone he went like birthday crazy he got me DDR :) but its for playstation 1 so its not DDR MAX its DDR Konamix or sumthin like that, but its just as good till i get playstation 2. Omg i am so obsessed with it lol i have been playing it all night and afternoon! I am getting so much better at it... i still need a lot of practice tho lol! I also got sum new shoes for my arch support, they are so comfy :). I finally got a new cd rack too... now i dont have them laying on the floor... lol on my other one i ran outta room... it was kinda funny.

I cannot wait till friday!! And im so sorry i couldnt invite you all! Monday June 30 i was gonna go to the movies tho... so we ALL should go... and then we all could hang out, i hate leaving people out :(. I was thinkin to go see 28 dayz later... but we should all talk to each other and agree on sumthin, so let me know if you can make it and what you would like to see! Oo yea and it looks like we might now be able to go to six flags saturday... they said it was gonna rain... but its not for sure yet! THE PARTY IS STILL ON THO... if it rains we might go to the arcade or sumthin like that.... call me and gimme some ideas and we could all choose friday night!
 
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Schooooools out for summa! yay!   
11:30am 20/06/2003
 
mood: cheerful
music: Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake (lol)
Yay we are finally out today! Im so happy. I havent written for a while so herez the scoop:

Monday i had my spanish and math final. Not much happened at school that day cuz i didnt see Kristen and have to listen to shit. So yea the spanish final was SO HARD! He was doing the oral section and it like wasnt spanish, i didnt understand a word of it. I think the only word i recognized was like cabeza haha. Nice word to remember, its like "Yea the only word i had no trouble with was head." haha im such a dork. Anyway the math one wasnt that bad, but staring at numbers for that long gave me a major headache! Im officially afraid of numbers now... and i refuse to do them until the next school year lol. After school i just basically relaxed and then Jack came over and we chilled like all afternoon, it was fun tho haha.

Tuesday yea wow... tuesday was deffinatly sumthing. Well i had english with Kristen and Mariana. I have NOTHING against Mariana tho, however when Kristen is around dont even think of trying to talk to people around her. But then again i didnt want to. Like i said in a recent entry as soon as i started not hanging near her, my depression uplifted. So i sat in the opposite corner of them and took the final. It took me the whole two hours to do! It had like 200 multiple choice and three essays, i was like dead after that lol. Then when the bell rang i had to go talk to my teacher, she said i have a good chance of passing for the year... but there is an equal chance of me failing. I really hope i dont :( but thats the price i pay for being depressed for a long time, i didnt care about a thing and never did any of my work so yea... im praying i pass. After that Kristen like threw a note at me and i didnt read it at first. When i was talking to my english teacher they were all like right outside the door and saying "Shes gonna call the police and file harassment charges blah blah" and im sure my teacher heard it, but whatever, i will call if i get one more threat. So after that i had like 10 more minutes before the next final so i went to the commons to chill with Kelly n the crew and Kristen came over to me i was like "Im not talking to you, if you want to know sumthing ask Vicki, i told her what i was going to do and what i did already" and i left. My next final was chorus, and we had a party :). It was so fun i took lots of pictures got my yearbook signed and chilled out with people i wont see for a while. When i got home i chilled out with Jackie again lol, basically we chilled like all week.

Wensday i went in late because i had a gym final in the morning and i didnt have to go, so i got sum extra sleep. I went to shirleys house at like 9:30 and then we got a ride to our next final. I had bio.. yuck. But yea i had sum time so i Anete and I signed each others yearbook. Then Tara was like yelling at me from like the other side of the table and i just ignored it, shes so stupid. Then i made my way to Feldstien... ahh. haha Tara was at the door but i just walked by, im not gonna bother with trash like that. The i was told by two people what went on at gym. First i heard Kristen wrote stuff about me in sumones yearbook and was reading it to the gym, then i was told Kristen was tellin Tara not to threaten me anymore because she is afraid of what will happen if i call the police.
So... obviously that note was bullshit, she knows she did enough to deserve harassment charges, and i wasnt about to let her talk me outta it... so anything happens... hello charges. But yea the bio test was mad hard, like everyone in the class guessed on it so i hope we get a giant curve lol. So yea i was only in school for two hours that day, that was great. Then Jess and i chilled out the whole afternoon. And yes Jess... im frightened of your profile, but i do want the prarie dog! lol

Yesturday was so funny! Jackie and I went to the hour homeroom and it was just me, her and Gelpke haha. So we helped him put away stuff for a lil and then Katie came in and we hung out for the rest of the time and took some pictures. Then we asked Gelpke if we could leave and he let us, so we ended up goin to shoprite, then dunkin donuts and then walked back home. Then me and Jackin hung out till she had to go home and get ready for graduation. I couldnt go see lisa :( i felt so bad. Ive gotta go to her grad party tho! Then i went to Jess' house and hung out with her and Rita for a bit and we headed over to Kaaliyahs party. It was so much fun, we played DDR went on the internet chilled out, danced in windows for the whole street to see... lol. Kaaliyah i hope you liked your gift! Your party was a lot of fun :). Happy Sweet 16!

Today im either goin to Lauras or goin to see From Justin to Kelly with Nickel... i have NO IDEA! lol i hate having to choose i dont wanna upset ne one :( But hey its the first day of summer! So im happy about that! Whoo hoo!

Omg and again i have to say without Kristen and her posse... i feel like a whole new person! My depression uplifted like 50 percent. Now i dont want to kill myself... and im not attempting to cut my wrists either.. yes people i was when i said i was doing things that i cant tell you. So yea i feel so much better. Although i do have sum random times when im depressed but thats going to happen sumtimes, after all i can never get a new family. But once i go out on my own ill be ok... after all im a Junior now... just 2 more years... thats kinda scary.
 
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Tired of bullshit...   
08:15pm 16/06/2003
 
mood: determined
music: Why Worry - All American Rejects
Wow, thank god there are only 3 days left. More and more as the days go by im threatened more and more. lol today Sara Armus imed me and was blaming me for going on Kristens screen name, lol why the fuck would i even consider it? Anyways i was OUTSIDE for most of the afternoon with Jess and Jackie... so yea... obviously i didnt do it. But since i was threatened again if i tell the office in the morning i can get them suspended, thats what i was told myself... so i guess they will be taking finals in the summer haha good for them. If there is no time my dad and i reporting it to the police, ive finally had enough of tolerating shit and let me tell you all sumthin, i changed, im not a lil passive girl anymore... i dont let ANYTHING slide. I guess like my friend said a few days ago, all this is happening to make you stronger... well guess what she was right. I am stronger, and i am a fighter... i dont give up. So no one tell me to watch my back, because you cant hurt me anymore. I have great friends, and they are so damn trustworthy i dont need any of you. Even tho Sara Armus said i "have no friends" haha her out of all the people telling me that! Shes sticking up for Kristen, and Kristen talks about her and makes fun of her! Wow this is so ammusing. Whatever im just informing you all, suspension is in question... and if that doesnt happen you will have a lil meeting with the police soon. Have a good day :)

OMG you wouldnt believe how happy and strong i felt today. I felt like no one could touch me, like i was floating over everyone. This is really bringing me to the best part of my life... i will go through a struggle for a lil... but all this will finally work out to my advantage for the first time i know it, i can feel it in my heart this time. I can make it, i dont need 1,000 friends, all i need is one true friend and ill be happy, i dont call having 1,000 backstabbing, gossip talking, hypocrite, drama queen friends being happy. To all of you in that group... youll find out soon enough, and ill be laughing.

So yea i have my english exam tomorrow, a whole 2 hours with Kristen haha this is gonna be interesting. But whatever i dont care anymore, they could say what they want. Chorus i have a free 2 hours yay :) Even tho Kristens lil friends are in there and will probably annoy me lol but again I DONT CARE :) Wow i love feelin this way. Go me! :Þ
 
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