Blurty for ~ Original Sin ~.

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

Time:1:40 pm.
Mood: angry.
Well, long time no write. Just haen't had the time or felt the need to realy be able to bother to write anything here. But I just need to tell someone hwo I'm feeling right now. Even if it is just a stupid webpage that no one evers reads.
I'm feeling so completely miserable right now. I just feel so empty inside. As pathetic as osunds I really want a boyfriend. I want someone who loves me for me. Someone who actually likes to talk with me, spend time together. Somone that I don't feel like I have to put on any sort of act around. Because there's so really no one that I show m real self to. I show pieces to people but I've never really been able to open up to anyone. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I tried this web personals thing on the insistence of my friends and I've talked nline with a few of the guys there that seemed interested in me. But it seems like I can't really have more than two conversations (max) with them without somehow putting them off. I don't know. I try to be myself, but I don't really have much faith in that being any good for attracting or keeping the guys. I know wthat my looks (what looks) won't do it. I try to be interesting but I just can't do it. I try to making interesting conversation but I can't think of things to say. They just drift off. Leave and don't bother to talk to me anymore. Leaving me on my own once again. Why do I have be always be alone? I'm so fucking sick of being alone. I may not be the most romantic person in the world but damnit, don't I deserve to find love? Aren't I entitled to at least one fucking shred of happiness? I know I can't be totally off here. I just can't take it anymore…
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, October 7th, 2004

Subject:Quick little truth
Time:10:36 pm.
Music:"Love Somebody" - Robbie Williams.

You are Strength.

You are the rock to everyone you know.

However, in reality, you are often like the duck in the pond.

Calm and collected on the surface, but struggling underneath.

What Tarot Card Are You?

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Monday, September 20th, 2004

Subject:Again random
Time:3:56 pm.
Music:The Beatles - "Norwegian Wood".

You are an Earth Sex Goddess!

You are wise and practical.

Sure, sex is fine, but you don't need it in life.

Guys like you because you're laid back and friendly.

Sometimes you enjoy casual sex, but every once in a while you hold on to a sepcial one.

You are reasonable but easy-going, and guys love that they can hang out with you and have awesome sex with you!

What's Your Inner Elemental Sex Goddess?

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Time:3:50 pm.
Music:Reel Big Fish.

You Are a Tribal Tattoo!

You know how to take care of yourself.

Chances are you don't really care about what other people think or say.

What Kind of Sexy Tattoo Are You?

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Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Time:11:11 am.
So much has been going on lately, I feel like I'll get left behind if I pause to try to catch my breath.

I've moved into my college dorm. It's very nice, but I can already tell that I won't make any friends on this floor. And I don't know why that is. I mean I can get along with many people, I'm not rude or mean or stuck-up. But I just have trouble clicking with other people. It's like I'm some weird puzzle piece that never fits in anywhere.

I'm worried for Elizabeth. She's hanging out with all these new people, which is good, but I'm worried for her. Right now she's kinda seeing this guy (translate into fuck buddies). Now that's not the best situation in my opinion, but if they're both okay with it, so be it. The thing is he told her he's not interested in a real relationship right now, but he keeps sending her mixed signals which is a bad thing because now she really really likes him and wants them to have a relationship. This is what I was afraid would happen. And she trying to find a way to make it happen (read: spells).

I'm worried for myself. Not that I'll try to self injure myself again, at least not externally. But the mind can do so much more damage. And that's what I'm worried about. I had a meeting with my advisor about an internship I'm doing this semster and suddenly I'm not sure if I'm really happy with my major. I mean I was happy with itlast year, but now I'm not sure. And so many other people seem to doubt it as the right major for me which makes me worry more. I'm still relationshipless which shouldn't be so bad, but it is for some reason. Maybe I just need it as affirmation that another hunman being could possibly care for me and that I might make a difference in someone's life. I can't open up to my friends, no matter how close I am to them. I've tried, but I can't. The more I know a person the harder it is, it seems. That's why I write here, to try and sort through the jumble of thoughts in my head.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

Subject:Just one thing after another
Time:7:20 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Music:Random songs.
I'm in a really shitty mood right now. I hate the way everything starts going great and then it just all crashes back down again.
First of all, I finally figured out a way to go to the concert on Saturday night, which by itself would be cool since it's been so long since I've gone to a reall fun show. But I would also get to see a dear friend of mine who I never get to see since he lives so far away. And he's going to be moving even farther away soon so this is like the last chance to see him before he moves. So I went online to buy the tickets right now and it says that the show's been cancelled. Big bummer, right? Okay I can deal. I'll get to see him on Monday when he comes up here for another concert (I can't go to that one cos it's 21+) and I might be able to make it to the other show near here that the same band is doing. But I look on the band's message board and there's a post saying that that one might be cancelled too!
Second thing that's put me in a bad mood today is the fact that I will be spending the last two weeks of my summer vacation recuperating from surgery. I went to the doctor today to discuss the pain and vomiting that I've had lately and it turns out that basically the only way to treat my problem is by removing the gallbladder. So I'm scheduled for surgery next week, so I should be fine by the time college starts.
Third thing: I feel like I'm losing one of my best friends. Elisabeth has always been a bit flighty and such but now… I hadn't seen her in almost three weeks and we made plans to get together yesterday and just hang out because she said she needed to relax. And what's the first thing she does when I go to pick her up? She asks if I wouldn't mind dropping her off at a party. Seems the guy that she's kinda seeing had invited her to it, after she had made the plans with me, but even so she was going to go. That hurt. And there are other instances where I feel like she doesn't really care. Like she made plans to go see a concert (of a band I like) with some of her other friends (that I get a long with) but she doesn't think of asking or even telling me, even though I always ask her if she wants to go to a concert even if she doesn't know the band but I think she would like them.
And the last thing is that I'm still feeling depressed about the current situation with my ex and just my general lacking of a boyfriend. Seriously I don't get him at all. He says he wants to be friends stil and we are great friends but as soon as he gets his new girlfriend he barely even speaks to me at all. I mean it's not like I'm imagining it, he's actively avoiding talking to or hanging out with me. And it really sucks because I still think he's a nice guy and I would still like to be friends with him. And now I feel weird when I hang out with our mutual friends because of his behavior. And I just wish that if he didn't want to be friends he'd come straight out and tell me so. Yeah it would suck, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. Not having a boyfriend is also really getting me down because it seems like everyone else around me is able to find a happy relationship but I'm just supposed to sit here feeling crappy all by myself. I really don't understand why I can't find someone new. It just makes me regret things more and dwell too much on the past, which in turn makes me feel worse, which then leads to more moping and on and on in a vicious cycle. Oh gods.

I wish I had the courage and conviction to kill myself
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Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Time:5:08 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:HIM's And Love Said No Album.
Well, I've been doing my usual shitty job of updating this journal. But then it's not like anyone actually reads it anyway…
I mean no one would give a flying fuck one way or the other if I added something new everyday or if I never wrote another thing again.
And sometimes (like now) I think that's how the rest of the world feels about me.

I mean I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly it justs keeps depressing me. And I've just got this general feeling of hopelessnes right now. At least I don't feel like offing myself like I did for most of high school. Although whether that's a good thing or not, I'm not sure.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Subject:To sleep to dream
Time:1:34 am.
Mood: tired.
I had the most delicious dream earlier today. It was very weird in some parts but I really enjoyed it. It was very segmented and I can't remeber a lot of it. One of the few parts I remeber is that I was at college somewhere and my friend Elisabeth was with me. And I guess we were walking to the caferteria or something, and some other girls were snickering at us for some reason. And then the next scene that I remeber, I was in my dorm room. But instead of sharing it with my rommate, I was sharing it with this guy. You know the kinda goth guy that sometimes gets described as androgynous; thinnish, long hair, black eyeliner. Just think a cross between Ville Valo from HIM and the singer from The Rasmus. The strrange thing is that I think he was also Finnish and, I think, gay.

Anyway, I was talking with him about this professor of mine who also happened to be Finnish and was asking my rommate if he knew him, because he had given me a bad grade or something. We were acting just like friends and he even picked me up and spun me around the room for some reason. And then he said something like he had only met him once and he had the professor try to figure out his accent, which he thought was Italian, but obviously it wasn't, and the professor was disappointed. And then I don't remeber how, but then my rommate started describing how he and the professor had had sex together. And this is the very weird part, but also the very nice part. He pulled me onto my bed and started to act out how he had had sex with the professor but with me instead. And even though we were fully clothed it was still really erotic. And I remember stopping him and telling him that he shouldn't continue if he was just gonna be a tease, but he said something to the effect that he wasn't and he was about to continue when…

my roommate woke me up! Urk! Talk about a rude awakening.

So that's basically the summary of my dream. I think that it's pretty easy to decode. It's telling me that 1, I shouldn't be looking up pics of hot guys at 4:30 in the morning, 2, that I have been watching way too much Queer As Folk, and 3, that I really, really want a boyfriend or something even similar to one. So basically nothing that's new. But it was still very enjoyable.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, April 25th, 2004

Subject:Musings of misery
Time:5:19 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:A mix of some sad songs and the Wicked soundtrack.
I've been thinking a lot about my last relationship; the only relationship I've ever had. 51 weeks, most of it long distance. With a guy who thought the world of me. Somone who really cared. And yet, it's over, has been for a while. So why have I only been crying about it lately. Why am I choosing now to try and analyse it. I admit, it was mostly my fault why it ended. The thing is, if you ask me to tell you why, I can't answer. I have no good answer for what I felt then.

And what did I feel towards the end? It's almost hard to remember. Annoyance, and a little resentmnet. An overwhelming feeling of being trapped. But was it so bad? I mean maybe it would have gotten better or gone away if we had just stayed together. But no, I pushed him away. I know it was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I wanted.

"Thought that maybe we'd fall in love over the phone
Thought that maybe I'd really love being alone
Everybody but Heaven knows how I was wrong
Oh Lord, what have I done to myself?
What have I done to myself?
In this vicious world"

I'd wanted to break up at one earlier point in the relationship, about 4 months in. But it soon went away and I was glad I hadn't. So why didn't I wait it out the other time. I tried, but I just felt worse as time went on. But now, nearly a year later I'm feeling just as bad. Maybe it's the springtime, usally it makes people happy, but me…

He's moved on now. It took him a while, but he's got a new girlfriend, and they seem very happy together. All lovey-dovey and kissy and such. Maybe it's this fact that drives home how much it hurts, how much I hurt. I mean, it was obvious to everyone around me how much of great guy he was, and how good we were together. But I still went and fucked things up. And at first I was fine, happy to be out, to be released. But as time went, months went past, I started to miss things. Things about being in a relationship, things about being a couple, things about him. I mean, I saw him a lot more now. Funny, that we move closer after the relationship was over. And we were still friends, it took three months before we could talk to each other though. But there was still something missing. If I had said the word, we probably could have gotten back together, I know he wanted to. But I couldn't, or wouldn't, one of the two, I don't know which. All I know is that right around the time I started question the end of our relatonship any chance to go back to it ceased to exist. He got a new girlfriend and I got…this…

I'm not asking for sympathy. I know it's my fault things ended. And that I should just deal and move one. But I've never been good with my feelings. I've never been one to deal with things, or even realize them right away. I can't talk to others about myself. I can only debate in my mind, and wallow in my thoughts.

Thank you for listening.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Time:9:11 pm.
Music:Conan O'Brien Show.

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude

You've got lots of it - and you love to give it

A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you

But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

Time:9:56 pm.
A picture of an upset girl standing ina pool of water
Wow. Ur like me. Ur DEPRESSED. U probably
already figured that out though. Its sorta
hard to ignore. Even though u may not look
sad, u feel it inside constantly. U often fear
that ur loved ones will die and ull be left all
alone. Thats ur ultimate fear: isolation.
When ur alone ur mind may escape to memories u
dont want to visit, causing u to be upset.
When ur busy, ur probably happy. What u really
need is someone who truly understands u. It
would be best i discussed all ur thoughts with
a friend. it really helps.

What quirky SOCIAL DISEASE do u have? (GREAT ANIME) For girls only!!!
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004

Subject:Long time no post
Time:4:35 am.
Mood: lethargic.
Music:Law & Order SVU.
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. I've been on spring break this week, and have been feeling pretty lazy all week. But now I need to start getting back into school mode, ick. I don't wanna go back!!!! But at least that means that the end of the school year is fast approaching. Anyway, I'm gonna post some quiz results now.

Quiz Results )
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Time:5:55 pm.
Music:"Wicked Game" - HIM.
Curves Ahead

Your Sign Is: Curves Ahead

You've got a lot of sex appeal, but you don't overplay it.

You know you're hot. And you don't have to prove it to anyone else.

Instead of being the center of attention, you tend to lure your crush away from the crowd.

It's hard work to get with you - but you are worth the effort.

What's Your Street Sign?

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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Subject:Quick Piece of Randomness
Time:1:30 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:HIM - "Wicked Game".
Black Chii

Chobits - What Color Chii Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess this fits in with my current mood. I've just been having a hard time lately. And I don't know what to do to make it better or if there is even anything I can do.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Subject:I'm sorry
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: sad.
I'd just like to say that I am so so sorry.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Subject:Mixed up
Time:12:52 am.
Mood: indifferent.
Music:Tori Amos.
I just found out that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. And I don't know how I feel about it. I mean I'm kinda indifferent about it, but at the same time I'm upset; because I don't have a new bf and I'm not the one he cares about anymore. I know it's stupid to feel this way, especially because it was my fault that we broke up. I just couldn't take the relationship anymore (I don't know why). When we broke up we kinda just ignored each other for a few months, but then went right back to being good friends which I was really happy about. And then I started to miss our relationship but I usually only felt like that for a few mins at a time. But now I'm really wondering if I fucked some thing really good up. And I'm just very confused now.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Subject:Oh bother!
Time:9:01 am.
Mood: tired.
Hmm, for some reason all my interests in my profile have disappeared. And even if I go to edit and try to add the back in, they still won't show up. Drat it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Subject:My own fault
Time:9:20 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:The sound of me eating lettuce.
I'm so fucking tired today. I only got like 4 hours of sleep (at the most) last night. But I guess I shouldn't really complain cos I didn't have to stay up and watch movies with my roommate. I don't think I've mentioned it here but I got a new rommate when we came back from break and she's a million times better than the bitch I had before. We actually get along pretty well, so I'm really happy. Anyway, we decided to order take-out and watch a movie last night, which actually turned into us watching two movies so I didn't get to bed till almost four and I woke up at 7:30.

We saw House of 1000 Corpses which, though I own it, I'd never seen and House on Haunted Hill which I've seen a bunch of times but still like. "House of 1000 Corpses" is a really weird movie. I'm not quite sure what to think of it. My rommate says it's the sickest movie she's ever seen, and I would probably have to agree (torture, necrophilia, mutilations, murder, cannabilism, etc) but I didn't find it particularly scary or gross. I know that it's existence says something about society. And I don't know what's more worrying, the fact that a movie like that can be made and released and only earn an R rating or the fact that I had almost no reaction to it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Subject:Delay Tactics
Time:12:25 pm.
Mood: listless.
Music:Disturbed - Random Songs.
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm putting off doing my homework right now. It's not that I don't really want to do it, I just feel like doing something else. I don't know. I'm in a kinda weird mood. I want to do stuff but I don't want to have to exert the energy. Blah, even I can't describe it. I like the above picture. That's the result I just got.

I don't agree completely with it's description. I think I tend to close myself off from the rest of the world. I don't like to let people in so I don't share my pain with people. I think I'm a cross between broken wings and steel wings. Because I know I hold things in and don't reaveal all of myself. And I do feel that one day I will just snap.

You have wings of STEEL. No one's really
sure why, but at this point in your life you've
shut off emotion to the point of extreme
apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of
the time...or perhaps you're just a good
pretender. Next to impossible to get close to,
even those who do never see the real you. It's
entirely possible that YOU don't even know the
real you. You have a certain fascination or
attraction to destruction on a massive scale -
disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of
the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much
inside, one day you're simply going to snap.
Then the mask will fall away, and your true
wings will be revealed. Until then you will
deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter
silence and acceptance. On the positive side,
you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not
much can crack through your defenses. You
intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why
you're the way you are. A loner and one who
spends much of their time brooding and
contemplating life and death - you are a time
bomb waiting to explode and create some
destruction of your own.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Subject:Weird Dream
Time:12:17 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Don Henley - "Boys of Summer".
Wow, I've done a crap job of updating this journal. I don't know, I like keeping a journal so I can go back and read it at a later date and see what I was thinking then, but I've never been good at actually keeping them up.

Anyway, I decided to update because of this weird dream I had a few nights ago. It involved me in this dark hallway that was in like a hotel. There were 5 doors each leading to a hotel room. And I was there with a group of people 5 guys and 4 other girls. And we were each paired up to share a room. And I couldn't remember which room number was mine. So I was standing there all confused and this guy comes up behind me and says that we're in room 4 or something. So then I go in and he follows and sits down in a chair by the door. And here's when it gets weirder because once I'm in, I know that I'm married to this guy who is like a duke even though he looks younger than me. It's funny because he actually looks like Detective John Munch from L&O:SVU, just 35 years younger (take away the grey hair). And apparently he's talking to his brother who is sitting across the room. He's also now wearing a black bethrobe. And I'm trying to talk to my husband but he's ignoring me so to annoy him I kiss him on the forehead and slightly ruffle his hair. Then I walk into bathroom. Inside it's all steamy, presumably from Husband Munch's shower. And I seem to remember staring at a toothbrush and toothpaste. Later at one point I tried another room to see who was in it, and there were two girls and a guy on the bed and another guy standing in the bathroom doorway. And they were watching TV. But it was weird because even though they were all about my age, the guy on the bed was a king and the other guy like a count or duke. And then I walking through the dark hallway and the suddenly I'm in this underground market that looks like it's it a dugeon or old castle but there are lots of people. It's raining outside. Cold English rain. And I'm being chased and I with someone else and we're trying to find something that the king sent us to find. That's about all I can remember.

My dream husband
Comments: Add Your Own.

Blurty for ~ Original Sin ~.

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