Matt Shearer's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Matt Shearer

[ website | Systemattic 2000 ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.... [15 Jul 2003|04:28am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | System of a Down - X ]

So not much going on in the world of Matt lately...except catering to damn cheerleaders at work for the past week. We've had a cheerleading camp here, and all this shit has been going down with them doing something or some guy trying to get a sneak peak at em and being on campus...and I HATE writing case reports. Oh well...such is life.

4 day streak of non-working coming up next week...Samantha's coming up with one of her friends to go to the beach in Saugatuck, and I'm gonna see if a couple of my friends want to come up too, so we'll see how that turns out. I incredibly boring or what?

I guess I'll let you go so I don't bore you to tears...

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Happy 4th everyone... [04 Jul 2003|11:40pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | Cold - Confession ]

This fourth of July turned out to be hectic as hell. First, I couldn't get to sleep after I got home from work until about 12:30, then woke up at 5:30 (keep in mind, all times are PM since I work at night) so yeah, not much sleep for me at all. Then, I ate dinner almost directly after I got up, took a shower, went directly to my brother's house for some fireworks there, then went directly to Aquinas to try to see some fireworks from the roof of the Academic building, but the view turned out to be shitty, so I got fucked over on that one. I was also upset because Samantha was upset (since she was with me when I watched the fireworks, and she was also disappointed by the view, and I hate it when she gets upset.) But oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday party, which is supposed to be at noon...considering how I don't get to bed until around 8, that means no sleep for me once again. Fun stuff, I tell ya. But anyways, I'm at work now (which happened directly after taking Samantha back to my sister's house right after the fireworks) so I better take a few minutes to chill before the stress of a hectic day gets to me.

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The Complications of a Life Away From Home... [02 Jul 2003|12:49am]
I realize that I could probably call a little more often than I do, which I know is hardly ever. But keep in mind that the reason for the feelings of growing apartness is because we are a good 90-100 miles apart. I didn't want to stay here, but where else am I going to be able to find a job that pays $9 an hour and lets me work 40 hours a week? I work 5 days a week, from 11PM-7AM, when everyone else is sleeping. When everyone else is up and around doing their thing, going to their jobs and living their life, I'm sleeping. And I will and most often do sleep until 7PM. By then, you're probably off doing something with the other guys, because when I do try to call, I never get through. Either your cell is off, or I copied the number wrong. I just tried calling Bromley a couple days ago, I left a message (at least I think I did, he's got a screwy answering system) and I haven't gotten anything back, and I realize that's either one, he really didn't get my message, or two, he's busy, just like I know you all are. But don't think for a second that I've forgotten you guys. I miss you all a lot. I'm here with no car (yet) and the only way to get there is if someone comes and picks me up. Besides, you guys can always come up here some weekend you all have off and we can shoot the shit in GR. I know where there's beaches, a national park, movie theaters that blow Owosso's out of the park, I'd love to have you guys come up and hang out. I realize transportation's limited, but I'm sure you could probably work something out. I'm bored as hell up here, I have no one to really hang out with. Most of my time is spent either working, sleeping, eating, babysitting my nephews, going to relatives (since I'm so close to them now) or talking to Samantha. Yes, I know I haven't been calling you guys, and I apologize for it. But you have to understand that sometimes my hands are tied, and you know me, I'm a goddamned airhead. Shit goes in one ear and out the other. I got a lot of shit going through my mind, and sometimes I need to be reminded to call you guys. Keep in mind (and yes, I know it works both ways) that you guys haven't called me in a while either. I don't know the next time I'm going to be in town, and I think it would be cool if you guys could come up here to spend the day or whatnot. But anyways, just know that I am sorry for not calling as much as I should have, and I really do miss hanging out with you guys.
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Here we go again! WEE!! [25 Jun 2003|04:20am]
You know what I hate? Money! The root of all evil, as it's so eloquently put. And rightfully so. I'd bet anyone that well over 80% of crime in the world one way or the other has to do with money. But why do I really hate money? Because I don't have enough of it. (Does that make me a hypocrite? Oh well...) You see, my main problem is everyone else's problem. I just need to win the lotto. I would just like enough money to pay for my college tuition, my own house, Samantha's college tuition, and everything else to make my life comfortable. Is that so much to ask? Ever wonder why we even bother with money? I mean honestly, what in the hell was ever wrong with the barter system? Sure, people got ripped off sometimes, but it's no worse that what's going on today in the real world. People would trade for something that they thought was greater or equal value, and they got something back that they either needed or desired. Not a bad plan, by any means, at least in my opinion. But if you really think about it, money wouldn't even need to be used at all. I'm sure crime rates would go down. (Does this train of thought make me a communist? I hope not...) But if you start thinking practically and not ideologically, then we would all realize that in order for us as a society and a nation to function properly, we need money and the capitalist economy that it runs on. But that still doesn't change the fact that I should win the lotto. Or just have a million and so odd dollars fall on my lap one day without anyone asking where I got it from. That would be very nice indeed. But, thinking practically again, I don't think that that's going to happen. Oh well...such is life.

Another thing we don't need? Clothes. At the core of it all, are we not just animals? Don't we basically all listen to the id part of our mind? Survival of oneself to continue the survival of the entire species. That's why we get jobs, to buy food so we don't starve to death. It's why we go to school, so we can get a job to buy food so we don't starve to death. It all comes down to survival. You can even argue that survival of the fittest among the humans is directly proportional to the IQ. The smarter you are, the more likely you will be to get a mate AND land a good job so you can buy lots of food and not starve to death. But anyways, back to why we don't need clothes. Since we're nothing but animals at heart, shouldn't we just be more like animals? Animals run around naked, why don't we? Because it's not "socially acceptable"? Or because Adam and Eve screwed it all up for us in the very beginning? Bah. If it were socially acceptable, I'd be walking around naked all the time. Yes, I know that's a frightening and horrifying thought for most of you out there, but just bear with me. Just think though...if that girl that you think is really hot (or guy, for you women out there...and Bromley) wouldn't it save so much time by just seeing them naked and getting rid of the curiosity right then and there? It could also dispel a lot of dirty thoughts that run through people's heads on an everyday basis. I'm also willing to bet that 1 out of at least every three people think that being naked is a very liberating experience. I can totally understand, however, that coldness can lead to the putting on of clothes, because believe you me, I'm all about that. But say you're stuck in humid 90 degree weather, which it was yesterday and will be today, and you just want to cool off. Getting naked is a real quick way to solve that problem. Or at least help out a hell of a lot. Women: Do you think it's unfair that us men get to take off our shirts during a hot day while you have to swelter underneath a t-shirt/tanktop AND bra? Yeah...think about that one, because I've heard that complaint from more than one woman. And honestly, the guys aren't going to mind if you walk around topless (excluding guys that are related, also assuming that you're not old or extremely ugly :D), but on the other hand, you'll get a lot more hoots and hollers than on a normal day. On the flipside, establishing planet Earth as one giant nudist colony could and most likely would lead to more sex, which would produce more people, which would probably excellerate the human growth rate to the point where we breed ourselves and everything else out of existence. Complex issue, is it not? Plus, Samantha could be a little more topless around me anyway (hehehe).

So what does establish humans as "higher than animal"? Is it simply because we actually have a cerebral cortex that allows for higher level thought processes? And is it because of this higher level thought process that we have developed a sort of arrogance about being the best thing on Earth? Granted, we are the most highly evolved animals ever to roam the Earth (excluding alien visitation, of course :D) where our only natural predator is ourselves, but does that give us the right to give to us the status of the best thing since the chimpanzee? Or to strip and pollute the Earth of all it's natural resources, leaving behind a cold and desolate planet? Wow...I was sounding like a communist before, now I'm a fucking But anyways, I'm not trying to establish myself as anything, just kind of throwing out questions that run through my mind from time to time.

And wait, I think I can read your mind too. You're thinking, "When the hell is this guy going to shut up?" Right now, actually. Tune in another time as I try to dissect my own mind, as well as the mysteries of the universe.
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1:15 and all is well... [23 Jun 2003|01:15pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong ]

Except for my extreme boredom, that is...

Magic Number8
JobLeader of the Free World
PersonalityParanoid And With Good Reason
TemperamentA Yo-Yo
SexualWhatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To WinSome Lubricant
Me - In A WordDull
Brought to you by MemeJack

There's some fun for you, hopefully it actually turned out and you don't see a bunch of HTML code....

NOTE: To use thing above, type in yer blurty name and hit enter...put in "Bromley's Mom" for particular fun...(those of you who know what I'm talking about will find why it's so funny after you put it in...hehehe)

So yeah...uneventful life, except for some of the freaky shit happening at my job in some of the buildings on campus...elevators moving by themselves, lights turning on when no one's been in there or is in there, radios receiving static when no one's pushing the button to transmit, then suddenly stopping when exiting the building...yeah...freaky deaky let me tell you. Whole friggin place is haunted, I swear...

Other than that, I've been chasing real animate objects, like people having sex in their cars, white Monte Carlos trying to hit us, then pursuing it in a semi-high-speed chase, where I was the driver, dune buggies going across campus (which, all happened in the same night...). And only on the third shift do you get any kind of weird and/or exciting shit like this. On the plus side, my paycheck will be pretty nice...

But anyways, I'll let you all get back to your probably more interesting lives...I have laundry to do...woohoo! I know, my life's a mile a minute exciting, you don't have to tell me...

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w00t-Tang [14 Jun 2003|03:38am]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody ]

[ current clothes ] Naked!'m at work, my work uniform...Campus Safety mania...
[ current mood ] Indifferent
[ current music ] Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
[ current taste ] Cheese/Cracker Combos with Orange pop
[ current make-up ] ...
[ current hair ] Spiky, as usual
[ current annoyance ] My desperate need for a haircut
[ current smell ] The CSO office
[ current thing i ought to be doing ] Lot checks
[ current desktop picture ] Abstract design showing the contrast between life and death in the inside profile of an eyeball
[ current favorite group] Tool
[ current book you're reading] Just finished Stephen King's "The Dark Half" (which, by the way, kicked all ass)
[ current cd in cd player] Don't remember...could be Evanescence, Tool, Korn, who knows?
[ current movie in vcr] None at the moment
[ current color of toenails ] ...umm...clear?
[ current refreshment ] Orange Slice
[ current worry ] How I'm going to be able to make tuition next year...

last person.
[ you touched ] My nephew, Steven, beating him up
[ you talked to ] My co-worker/supervisor, Dan
[ you hugged ] Samantha
[ you instant messaged ] Wow...that's been awhile since I did that...I think it was WingNut though...
[ you yelled at ] One of my nephews
[ you kissed ] Samantha

[ food ] Prime Rib with Au Jous Sauce
[ drink ] I don't know
[ color ] Black/Red/Blue
[ album ] Toss up between Tool's Aenima and Lateralus
[ shoes ] My black Sketchers...the only pair I own
[ candy ] Snickers or M&M's
[ animal ] Dog
[ tv show ] X-Files, hands down
[ movie ] Shit...I have too many of these...Matrix (either), Gladiator, Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Jaws...the list goes on and on...
[ song ] Can't pin that one down either..."Schism" by Tool, "Passenger" by Deftones feat. Maynard James Keenan of Tool, "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson...those are some that are up there
[ vegetable ] Green Pepper
[ fruit ] Strawberries or Raspberries
[ cartoon ] Simpsons

are you.
[ understanding ] Other people say I am.
[ open-minded ] I'd like to think so.
[ arrogant ] Slightly...but only slightly... :D
[ insecure ] Not really
[ interesting ] Heh...that's one way to put it...
[ random ] Definitely
[ hungry ] Not anymore...*burp*
[ friendly ] Of course
[ smart ] So I'm GPA will reflect otherwise, though...
[ moody ] Sometimes
[ childish ] Sometimes
[ independent ] Yeah...if I had more money, I could be a lot more independent...
[ hard working ] Mostly
[ organized ] Heh...right..."Matt" and "Organized" do not fall in the same sentence unless "Is Not" is between them
[ healthy ] I certainly hope so...
[ emotionally stable ] Yes
[ shy ] A little at first, and then once I get to know you or someone else, I definitely get out of the shell.
[ difficult ] Of wouldn't be interesting if I wasn't stubborn as hell...
[ attractive ] Heh...Samantha will tell you yes...
[ bored easily ] Only if there's nothing to do...
[ messy ] Always
[ thirsty ] Refer to Hungry question
[ responsible ] I'd like to think so
[ obsessed ] Depends...obsessed with what?
[ angry ] Sometimes
[ sad ] Refer to above question
[ happy ] Most of the time
[ hyper ] Sometimes
[ trusting ] People have told me before that I'm the most trusting/trustworthy person they've ever met, so I suppose.
[ talkative ] But of course
[ legal ] I'm tell me

who do you want to.
[ kill ] My list is too extensive...
[ slap ] Refer to above question
[ get really wasted with ] Samantha, but I don't know about "really wasted"...casual drinking, fine, doing it for the sole purpose of getting fucked up is stupid.
[ get high with ] ...
[ tickle] ...
[ kiss] Samantha
[ look like ] Me, with twice the body mass in muscle...130 lbs doesn't amount to much...
[ talk to offline ] Samantha
[ talk to online ] Whoever wants to be annoyed by me.

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Confusion of the masses... [24 May 2003|12:11am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | The sounds of my own peaceful slumber... ]

The masses of my brain, that is...

I got my report card from college today, and let me tell you, it is confusing as hell...somehow, I only get a 2.9067 GPA with 3 A-'s, a B, a B- and a C (a vast improvement from last semester's fuck-up). In fact, I was so sure that I should be getting more that I even calculated my grade based on the 4 point system...turns out I should be getting a 3.1333 or something like that. I don't know, it's really fucked up...I just want to my 2.75 that I need to retain my $6500 that so much to ask? Apparently so, because Aquinas has to be dickwads about it. My mother had some words of encouragement however...she said that since I have made such an improvement on my grades that they might put me on academic probation to get my grades up to the 2.75 I need to retain, which would be fine with me, since I more than likely could get my ass in gear just like I did this past semester to get them to that point. Stupid retards...oh well...

Unfortunately also, I have to stay in Grand Rapids to work on campus for Campus Safety...couldn't find a job here at home, which means I have to be away from Samantha and all my other friends. I'm currently with my sister Traci, her husband and their two kids about five miles from AQ, and they let me use their car, so that's ok I suppose. I'd rather be here with my Samantha instead, but I guess you can't have everything that we want now can we? That, and they only have dial-up internet there, so this thing won't be updated nearly as much as it was before on my T1 LAN at AQ. But such is life, right?

Onto a lighter note...

Got to see Evanescence in concert on Wednesday at the orbit room with Samantha to celebrate our one-year anniversary, and that kicked all ass...she stayed the night with me at my sister's house and I went home with her on Thursday, and don't have to be home until Sunday, so that's cool. I get to spend lots of time with her, and that's how I like it.

But anyways, I must be going...sleep's been a rarity these days, and to get some would be nice...g'night all

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It's All In Your Head.... [08 May 2003|01:49am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Evanescence - Going Under ]

Fear, that is...

The ever present primal instinct that keeps us alive long enough to do something with our short lives. Ever think, ever REALLY think about why you're afraid of what you're afraid of? Most of it is such meaningless non-life-threatening bullshit that it really makes me wonder how intelligent us humans are. I mean, we're more scared of giving a speech in front of a group of people than dying. To me, that seems a little ass-backwards. I don't know about you, but if my life depended on making a speech in front of people, I'd be up on that podium faster than anyone else. We humans also tend to fear the unknown, which explains the fears of death or the dark, not knowing what's on the other side or in the dark corner at the end of the room. It's really weird how we've taken this life-saving instinct and applied it to so many different aspects that it has, in some respect, lost it's true meaning. Fear is the feeling inside of you when there's a gun pointed to your head, or when driving your car and noticing that another car is coming straight for you and colliding into you, leaving you wondering if you'll ever get to see the beautiful faces of the ones you love so dearly. That's real fear. Not some sudden choke-up or nervousness we experience when we go to an interview or give a speech, no, that's only a taste of the fear, the tip of the iceberg of the true paralyzing and crippling effect that the brain has on the body when faced with danger. Fear not only brings out the cowardice in us, but also the vast courage that resides within each human soul. Some people are just natural masters of their fear. When they smell fear, it brings out the best in them. I know that if Samantha was ever in danger of anything, my own personal fears about death would be immediately dispelled in order to save her life. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to take a bullet for her, or shove her out of the way of an incoming car. Heh. It's funny how a lot of time love conquers fear. For the longest time (5 years to be exact) I had the worst luck with women. Rejection after rejection after rejection. Pretty soon, I was too scared to even ask a girl out on a date or talk to a girl that I liked because that fear of rejection welled up inside me so much that I just decided to hell with it. My senior year proved to be quite interesting in that respect. I had my first girlfriend in 5 years. Yeah, it rebuilt my confidence hardcore...until she dumped me for some other guy because I wasn't having sex with her. Go figure. Then I thought I might be able to try for one of my really good friends that I had had a crush on for the previous three years. Three fucking years I wanted her and she knew it too, but she played me and led me along, until finally, I said "Fuck off!" Haven't talked to her in over a year. Funny how she always tries to keep contacting me after not wanting me for all that time, is it not? But oh well. All of my past heartache, all of my past fears were dispelled the first time I laid eyes upon my Samantha. God she's gorgeous. Always was. She'll tell you differently, but I wouldn't believe her. I seemed so eased, so relaxed around her, love. And I am still with her to this day, together for 11 months, engaged for 6 of those. When it comes to fear, there always is something that makes it all worth it, something that makes it worth to step out of your comfort zone or risk your life. In my case, it's someone. Samantha. And it always will be. My greatest fear? Used to be death and sharks, among other things. Though these are still very high on my list (like, number 2 and 3) my number 1 greatest fear is losing her, for I don't know what I would do without her.

Wow...I got talking from pure fear to pure love...

I guess when you really think about it, they're actually quite intertwined with one another.

That's just me. A thinker. Nothing better to do then think.

Well, time to do some more thinking while sleeping at the same time. Hope you liked your second edition of Philosophical Bullshit with Matt Shearer!

G'night all....

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Note On Quiz Below... [06 May 2003|11:55pm]
100% Gayness means 100% NOT gay, not 100% coincides with the other results...would I be "Refreshingly Normal" if I was 92.9% Fucking Sick? I think not...
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Exam Studying Break Yields Pointless Quiz [06 May 2003|11:51pm]
Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
Has yet to see self in mirror
Sex Drive 86.8%
The Pope is envious
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 100%
Fucking Sick92.9%
Refreshingly normal
You are 69.31% pure
Average Score: 68.3%
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4 shots of espresso later.... [05 May 2003|12:39am]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | Cold - Stupid Girl ]

...I find myself wide awake at work :D

Weekend was awesome, got to spend it with Samantha at her prom. She looked hotter than ever too, although she insists that I was much hotter than she was. Yeah, right...

Today wasn't too fun though. I hate leaving her. That, and I'm more than likely going to end up here for the summer to work, a good hour and a half away from her, which does not appeal to me or her at all. It's bullshit. If two people love each other as much as her and I do, shouldn't we just be together always? I guess that's only true for books and movies though, since real life turns out to be quite the disappointment. Oh well. Another thing I'm bummed about is that I won't be able to hang out with Bromley or Scott as much as I would if I was back home. But unfortunately, tuition and the whole money issue has to be a little bitch, and since I can't find a good enough job in Owosso that will pay the $8.25 an hour and let me work 40 hours a week, I'm kind of shit out of luck...

But, alas, one glimmer of hope remains...

Samantha's father works at a place in Mason who may be accepting applications for a computer internship, which I, of course, immediately jumped on the opportunity and sent him my resume for the suits as soon as I got back here. I just pray and hope to the Almighty above that they want me, because I don't want to be away from her for so long...I've broken enough promises to be there for her during vacations when work least now, I'd be able to see her everyday, even if it is just for a few hours a day...

Exams are this week (commence puking) much shit rides on this, it's not even funny. If I don't get the 2.75 that I need to retain my scholarship, I'm fucked and won't be going back to Aquinas next year, since I'll be out $6500. But I've been doing some possible scenarios, toying with grades and GPA's, and I'm somewhat confident that I'll be back next year, but you just never know....

So much stress, so little sanity...

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Looking Ahead... [02 May 2003|07:41pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | Rammstein - Feuer Frei! ]

...I see only good things

Samantha's prom is this weekend, so I know that'll be a blast, even though I may see people I'd rather not, but I honestly could not give a shit less.

Looks like I'll be staying here at Aquinas for the summer working for Campus Safety, which I'm not all too thrilled about at all. I was hoping to spend my summer with Samantha and all my friends from back home, but looks like tuition rears it's ugly head once more, and unfortunately, I have to abide.

The world would be so much simpler if humans weren't naturally greedy...then nothing would cost wouldn't even be in our vocabulary, and just think of the crime that wouldn't exist...oh well...such is life...

Anyways, the parentals are coming soon, and I have yet to pack, so I will be leaving now...

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(insert witty subject line here) [02 May 2003|03:50am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Rob Zombie - Everybody Scream ]

Just got home from seeing X-Men 2, and holy shit, was that a great movie. I recommend you all cough up the five or six bucks to go see it, because it is definitely worth it all.

I just realized today that my above link for my web page didn't work because I had the URL wrong. Rest assured, all you eager people out there can now visit my web page...all three of you who are probably reading this and only hearing "blah blah blah."

Oh well...

Got my History paper done today which is due when I wake up in the morning, a good 7 or 6 hours from now, so I have that thing off of my chest. Spanish is my next concern, which is also due tomorrow, but I think it'll be considerably easier.

At any rate, I'm getting incredibly bored with myself, as I'm sure all of you readers are getting incredibly bored with me too, since I live such a non-interesting life. Oh well, you all love me and you know it.



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Productivity at it's finest... [01 May 2003|03:09am]
[ mood | productive ]
[ music | Evanescence - My Tourniquet ]

Last couple of days were actually quite productive, and I am quite shocked at that. Usually I'm less so. Very much less so. But, I ended up getting the books I needed for the paper that I have to do, change one of my classes, rearrange my entire room (more on that later), pick up a housing contract for the summer (since I will more than likely be here for the summer working my ass off to get tuition), and managed to add a few more CD's to my collection. I burned Evanescence's Fallen and Taproot's Welcome, while I managed to grab the House of 1000 Corpses Soundtrack.

Wow...I'm awesome.

Ok, maybe just a little...

Or not at all...

Anyways, so yeah, I had to rearrange my entire fucking room today because the assholes of Aquinas want the rooms to be in the same position/setup that they were before. Yeah, like I remember how the hell they were. After talking with a few of the students here, I finally figured out how they wanted it (since they decided to be so ambiguous about the whole situation and not post anything telling us how they want them...jerkoffs) and so I spent from 3pm to 7pm rearranging/moving/lifting approximately a dozen pieces of furniture that literally weigh 75-100 pounds all by myself. Now try to imagine a 5'11" 130lb skinny little shit trying to maneuver and position these huge pieces of furniture around. Thank God I was made wiry, or I would have died. As is, my back, shoulders, and legs are completely destroyed, so walking the rest of the week will prove to be quite the challenge.

But anyways, I let you all get back to your normal lives without me bitching all the time...

But then again, is anything normal?

2 comments|post comment

Here To Waste Another Two Minutes Of Your Life... [25 Apr 2003|01:15am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Tool - Parabol/Parabola ]

Ever try to think about sleep while you're trying to sleep? It kind of negates the whole trying to go to sleep thing. But if you think about it, it's kinda weird how those various stages of consciousness work, how time seems to fly by, yet it never seems to be enough...for me, at least. I've always wondered what it would be like to hibernate, to sleep the whole winter and not have to worry about the severe cold. Would it go by fast or slow? Fast, I would think, since that's the general speed of sleep. Oh well...

Speaking of the whole sleeping process, ever had a lucid dream? Freaky as shit. First of all, a lucid dream is a dream where you're awake, but still dreaming. But the freakiest thing of all is that since your body is paralyzed when you dream, (so you don't act them out or run off while sleeping or something) it's still paralyzed when you're awake. So while you're having this dream about some demonic monster eating other people while trying to chase you and eat you, you're awake thinking it's real and paralyzed. Not cool.

Wow am I boring...

Today was uneventful, per usual. Highlight of the day, as always, was talking to Samantha. The day could've been warmer...

Ok, I'm getting bored with myself, so I'll do the next best thing and sleep.

"Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion."

5 comments|post comment

Random thoughts from an enlightened mind... [16 Apr 2003|11:09pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Mudvayne - World So Cold ]

Or at least, I'd like to think so...'s always been a very integral part of my life. You play an instrument for seven years and not have music cored into mind. Life would be pretty dull without music. I mean, I know I would be bored out of my mind if I didn't have any Tool to listen to in the off hours of the day/night (as if you couldn't tell from my logo that I'm a big Tool fan :D) I always find myself drawn to people who love music. All my friends and my fiancee are music lovers. To me, to not like music, is to not have a soul. It's just something about the power and magnificence of certain rhythms and notes that burrows deep inside your soul and won't let go. Whether it's the soothing sounds of a violin (or viola :D) or the rumbling power and strength of an electric guitar. I find myself to be a fan of the darker, more mysterious genres of music, which would explain my love for Metal and Hard Rock. But I also have a deep appreciation for classical, probably due to the extensive amount of trumpet playing through the years. And I know some of my friends are reading this right now and thinking, "What the hell is he talking about? He hates rap and country!" Well, that's sort of true. True, because I generally dislike rap and country, but sort of because although they may not have my approval, they have my respect for what they've done in the music business. I do, to my credit however, own one rap CD, Stoned Raiders by Cypress Hill. I do not, however, own any country albums. And it will probably stay that way for a while.

But anyways...

Love is something that I've always felt, whether it be the love for my parents and family, or the undying, unconditional love I have for Samantha. Love is a strange thing, is it not? It can cause so much joy and happiness, yet at the same time, can cause so much pain and sorrow. I've experienced both sides of the spectrum in that relation. Heh. I remember having my heart broken so many times, and always thinking to myself, "Fuck this, this is just too much shit for me to handle." I think to myself, what is love? Merely just an emotion, right? I could just try to flick it off with a turn of a switch and go through life oblivious and alone, not ever risking that heartbreak, that maddening pain that drives you to do the most ludacris of things. But a little less than a year ago, I met someone who shattered all of my pre-conceived notions of love, and am still with her to this day. She made me realize, to deny love, to try to shut it out of your mind, is to deny and destroy the very thing that makes us human. For after all, the only thing that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom is our higher cognitive awareness, and with such, our deep emotions. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. It's cliche, I know, but it's so very true. Sure, everyone gets rejected, heartbroken, down on themselves because they think that they were the ones that fucked everything up, and then they cling on to that past love for dear life, thinking that they can't go on, they won't go on. It's like a drug that there is no rehab for. But then, what really makes them kick their own ass, is when they realize that a person who is a million times better than the one that they're clinging on to is passing them by on an everyday basis, but you're too blind, to fixated on this person to realize what you're passing up. And then, when you're eyes are finally opened, you ask yourself, "Why did I waste so much time on this person who apparently didn't give a shit about me, when I could've been spending that time with this great person I have now?" That's the question that will torment you to no end. Trust me. I still ask myself that question everyday.

Mmmmm...Ramen Noodles...

Imagination is the key to sanity. And insanity. Without imagination, the world would be one dull, lifeless place where no one would have new ideas and everyone would think the same thing day after day after day. How ironic then, would it be, to be in a world like that and not realize the insanity of it all. Almost paradoxical. I mean seriously, take all the art that you see everyday, take all the music, the clothes, the culture of the world and condense it into one mindless, hive-like entity, where everything is repetition and you wake up every morning to the same exact thing. Any normal person nowadays would be driven mad. Gives new meaning to the phrase "Same shit, different day." Imagination is what keeps us sane. Now since the human brain is so complex, some people get wired a little differently and their imagination makes them believe that everyone is out to get them, that everyone must die, or that everyone is a chicken. That's what makes us insane. Now take the monotonous world principle and apply it to this scenario: Would one insane person make everyone insane, or would one sane person make everyone sane?

Would they know the difference?

And of course, when it boils right down to it, maybe the entire human race is already insane.

Ever look up at the sky, and wonder, "What if?" What if we're not alone in the universe? Aliens! They're everywhere! Or maybe nowhere. My theory is, the universe is too fucking huge for us to be the only civilized species. You have to wonder if God got bored watching just us one day and made a completely different species at the other end of the universe. Wouldn't that be weird...

Time. The ever-present contingent of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, and milleniums. You could look at it two ways: You're dying every second, or, you're living your life every second. I personally prefer the optimistic side of it, or just plain and simply don't think about it at all. Sometimes I think about how time works. If you just sit down in class, or work, or wherever you are, and just take note of something, could be significant or insignificant, and watch it change, watch it move, and realize that that moment is already done and gone and can never return again, it really hits you on how precious every moment is. Because as soon as it's there, it's gone. You can never recreate your first kiss, your first major accomplishment, or your first major vacation to the exact emotions of love, pride, or excitement that was felt at that time, and it makes you really appreciate the gift of memor, since although it is indeed done and gone, it's always locked in the back of your mind. So in essence, man has already accomplished the feat of time travel when he had his first memory, because he could always go back and visit that time in his mind and remember what happened, what he felt and what he learned from that experience. Time is against us? It terms of life and death, yes. But it's what we do with that time that makes us who we are and what the legacy we leave behind is. that it's 12:30 and I've been here for an hour and a half, I think I will stop subjecting you to my philosophical bullshit, take a shower, and hit the sack. G'night all.

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Hott... [15 Apr 2003|08:26pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | Tool - Parabol/Parabola ] what the temperature is right now. It's nice, don't get me wrong...but DAMN! Oh well.

Working three nights in a row from 11PM to 7AM was real nice...(note sarcasm) Nothing like getting 4 hours of sleep and being dead the next day. Sweet, eh? My thoughts exactly...

Quixotic - Foolishly idealistic; romantically unrealistic (for a certain someone who didn't know :D)

General Report of my Life - Excellent. Except for this raging headache I have right now and the fact that I can't find an extension cord...

Wow...I'm really boring aren't I? At least I admit it...

Ok then...since you're bored and I can't think of anything else to say, except apologize for the two minutes of your life I just wasted, I shall be going. w00t w00t!

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Must.....have......sleep....(gurgle) [25 Mar 2003|12:58am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............. ]


(Ah, the peaceful splendor of that black abyss we call it soothes and comforts me...)

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... [24 Mar 2003|03:12pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | Mudvayne - Not Falling ]

Uneventful day today (per usual). Doing a little hacking (as in the sack, not computer) instead of classing, but oh well. Work was uneventful. Lunch was uneventful. I have a feeling tonight will guessed it! Uneventful. w00t w00t that.

Computer got fucked up pretty good yesterday when I was trying to put in a better video card. Good thing my computer wouldn't let me format because I found a much easier and less destructive solution. It was sitting right in front of my face the entire time too. Go figure.

Weekend weekend weekend...would've much rather have had been with Samantha, but I was stuck up here. Such is life. That was, as everything else was...uneventful. Boonyar.

r0x0r my c0x0r, oy oy

That's about it...

-Not insane
-Well, sometimes...
-Ok, most of the time...

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Not an idea stolen from Scott... [20 Mar 2003|02:57pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Rammstein - Feuer Frei! ]

Oh yes, it's true.

Nice day out today...humid out too, which is a nice change from the bone dry weather that we've been having. I always cherish a moment in where I can walk outside and not freeze my ass off.

School was uneventful as usual, started my spreadsheets class today and almost fell asleep because it's so easy. Quiz in EspaƱol today. I think I did pretty good on it. Possible concert with Dave and Coley on Friday, I'll have to see how that goes...I'm feeling kinda shitty today, and might be exhausted from work tomorrow, since I do have to get up at 6 in the AM...(blech)

War, war, war...everything on the damn TV is nothing but war, which is fine, we should stay informed, but it's not a huge thing if we bomb one insignificant building...if we nuke em or kill Saddam, that'd be news-worthy. But anything else short of a major victory or winning it altogether I'd just assume would stay off. But who knows...

Anyways...time to call Samantha! :D

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