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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2003.04.09  15.18 we got out a half hour early today. i don't know what the whole appeal is-- we get all riled up about a measly half hour, the entire time which, is spent on the bus getting home. so really we didn't lose any time. it's just a half hour. but it's nice. practice was cancelled and i was home just in time to tune into murder she wrote for the first time in... a VERY... LONG... TIME. "the big freeze", as i now call my friendds' ignorance, really isn't all that different from before they blew up at me. me and aly sort of had a conversation today-- much to my surprise. she walked in pe when i was telling krissy that i caught my metal on fire in welding and she had me tell her about it. and we joked. we JOKED. me and alysia only. that doesn't make up for the fact that she only talks to nick in the morning. or that she's spending all of spring break with kristin and krissy. but it's a start. mrs johnson is having us do a fashion show for our new unit... in front of the entire school. gulp. i'm with axl (formerly max) (formerly phil), wolfgang (formerly damien) (formerly andy), and dominique (formerly vicki). vicki's paying phil 20 bucks to go out wearing a dress and heels. she has this really cute one-shoulder for him to use. hearing that simply made my day. i need photo and video evidence to keep that memory living on. today paige said i was very liberated. i think it was because me brian and timmy were discussing welding. today i learned how to "strike an arc". the funny thing is, i can't actually strike anything. rather, i get the piece of hot metal to spark before i flip down my face shield and it welds itself onto the piece of metal. i don't know what i did one time, but suddenly the entire thing burst into flames. one of the ta's was standing right behind me, so he put it out for me. all of a sudden i heard from everyone "how the hell do you catch it on fire?" it was great. it looked really cool behind the shield-- it made the sparks look like fireworks and it was really mesmerizing. teehee. i like the idea of this welding stuff. clayton doesn't get to go to georgia over break. the lady, her daughter got railed by a car and she's already had about 4 surgeries, and they just amputated her leg. THEY CHOPPED OFF HER ENTIRE LEG. sonofabitch that car must have tried to hit her or something. he's bummed out. i would be. poor thing. we got our romeo and juliet papers back. i got 50/50. i read the comments about a hundred times. "good work. you had solid examples and great explanations. YOU ARE A NATURAL!!" just like that, that's how it was written. caps and all. i'm a natural. natural WHAT? next week mom's taking me to chicago. we're visiting the following places: 1. beatnix: boys town. drag shop. audrey hepburn t-shirts and men making out. everything is very colorful and loud and vibrant. and gay. but i love it. 2. strange cargo: amber told me if there's one vintage store i go to, it's there. so i'll go. 3. hollywood mirror/ragstock: my very first chicago vintage clothing stores. why would i disobey that??? 4. urban outfitters: because i feel like trying out the college student attire. sexy college student. missy-ish. 5. uncle fun: it's the only place on earth where you'll find really cool knick-knacks. i can't wait to go. i'm spending all my cash on cheap great clothes and i'm going to come back and parade around like a complete freak with attitude. i've been contemplating on taking 30 over to the salvation army because they had some really cute stuff but i was broke. a gray skirt. a tulle skirt. cowboy boots. a vintage diet pepsi sweatshirt. an old bedes jacket. i think i'm gonna. i love that place. yes, so i'm not sure if i have immediate plans for tonight. clayton has all of my good cd's. i lent them to him for his german trip today and i miss them terribly. he took my 3eb. and my pumpkins. and soco. oh woe is me, for i am lost without my music! maybe i'll take pictures tonight. go for a walk. check out the library WITH MY CARD THIS TIME. play at the park. i think i better, it'll be good for me. i have 5 pieces of triple chocolate mousse cake to burn off from the last few days. signed. the natural (psycopath). Mood: creative Music: Murder She Wrote

	2003.04.07  21.20 Further shitiness for my 15th yeah so things are even worse now. clayton came to the studio and i was sitting on the computer looking for stores to go to in chicago while clayton watched. then rick came with my cake, and i was all excited. well, i went in the back to check my instant messenger messages, and i looked at meg's info, and it was this stuff about "yeah if we're your FRIENDS why do you talk about us" blahblahblah, i can't remember all that well. but i asked her who it was about and she pulled the whole "who do you THINK it's about?" thing, and i asked her why, and she said that she didn't ignore me and she talked to me in the mornings. and i said that they'd forgotten me on friday and then she started going "fuck this shit this is bullshit" blahblahblah and i burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom. i cried for about 20 minutes when mom demanded i open the door and talk to her. i spent another 15-20 minutes talking to hear and bawling about my friends and my sadness and sophie. everything almost. she said not to worry and for now tend to the people that were paying attention to me. i thought of clayton-- how i'd spent the entire time he was at the studio snapping at him. i never meant to, he knows i didn't. i love clayton and i'm happy as hell that he was there for me today... i coudln't be anymore thankful. he is fabulous to me, i need to like give him a god damn award or something for tolerating me like he does. i went back out there and quietly ate my cake and tried not to cry. then we spent an hour lying in the circle thing while i played with his cell phone. it wasn't much. it was a shitty day. jen tells me hilary got alysia pissed off at me, and ali and meg are, and.... god. everyone. they all ignored me. today. this weekend. forever. i just don't know what to do anymore. me and mom kind of talked and she tried to comfort me and stuff. it worked a little. i'm just scared to face tomorrow. what will happen tomorrow? Mood: lonely Music: 3eb and Verve Pipe

	2003.04.07  18.08 (Un)Happy Birthday to Me The weird thing is... i do look a year older. i mean i looked in the mirror today at gram's house, and you could literally tell i was more mature. or maybe i was just severly depressed and it gave off the same effect-- i don't know. but WOW-- i'm a year older and i couldn't hate it more. so none of my friends spoke to each other this morning. aly asked me where meg was. meg didn't say a god damn thing or even LOOK at me... which really makes me mad, cuz she could have at least apologized for blowing me off friday night and making me miss the play. everyone else treated me like vapor except staab, who complimented me on my blazer. i went and talked to clayton and i started crying. i really hate crying over my friends, especially when they're so stupid. so i dazed off in french. and five minutes into bio i got a pass to go to the nurse and i left. gram came and got me right as announcements went on... i heard my birthday announced to the entire school. not that anyone was around me to say happy birthday or anything. a few minutes before that, billy was walking from PE and wished me a happy birthday. it's funny how the people you talk to the least remember the most about you. none of my "friends" so much as said hello. so i went to grams and ate an entire bag of cadbury mini eggs, and had soup, and slept and watched a lot of trashy daytime soap operas. she gave me a very beautiful heart necklace and 85 dollars and some candy and i was happy and i appreciated it. mom came and got me at 430 or so, and we stopped at dollar general for more cold medicine for me. i finally told her about me hating my friends. she didn't say much. i hate that. i'm in such a horrible mood because of them and it's my god damn birthday. yeah and then clayton and i got into a fight cuz he said i didn't sound like i wanted to see him. i'd love to see him, him and jamie are the only people i care to see today cuz theyr'e the only two people i love. i don't want to hear a god damn word from any one of my ex-friends. maybe if they acknowledged me on normal days... i would have liked hearing happy birthday from them much more. at dollar general i was reminded of the last time i really had fun. summer after 7th grade-- me and sam. i was reminded because i was looking at makeup in dg, and i rememebered the day sam decided she wanted to be gothic, so we went and got a whole bunch of cheap dark makeup and paraded around town with andy. it was the day after she got her haircut. it was a great summer... i miss that summer, i miss the friends i had. yeah so unhappy birthday to me. i hate being 15. but my cake is coming on the schwan's truck soon, so that's my only perk. amen.

	2003.04.06  21.37 too damn gullible to live yeah so i was almost fine today. except the whole sick thing. i forget i'm dying once in a while and had a quick conversation with jamie (he wished me a happy early birthday... thanks jamie, i love you so much for it). but then clayton called and as fine was things were going, he had to spin another yarn on me. i mean, it sounded ridiculous but after you keep the same piece of information in play for 20 minutes... you think you get tired if it's just a JOKE. but i get caught up in his lie unknowingly, and only find this out when he goes "yeah so that was all a lie" and hung up. when he called a little later i didn't say anything. it was a touch subject, about babies, that's all i'm going to say. THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY. cuz i'm boiling over this. i hate that he can lie to me so easily... it makes me think what else he's lying about. no one has ever lied to me this much. i can't help it that i'm pissed, okay? i just dont' like being lied to, no matter if he confesses or not. so now i'm in a not-so-fuzzy mood and i'm debating on whether or not to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to see my friends and have to deal with them asking about my absence at their bullshit soirees this weekend. i don't want to deal with clayton and get into a huge fight over him lying to me. i don't want to deal with welding. i don't want to have everyone go "oh my god i forgot it's your birthday!" and then proceed to spend the rest of the day apologizing. i don't want to go to english and face stohr for some reason... even if she did nothing at all. i just don't want to deal with anything. right now i'd feel so much more comfortable crawling up into a little rock by myself with a good book and my lonliness. or maybe i can run away to hollywood and join the cast of lizzie mcguire. i'd get cool clothes and have a happy family and good friends. unlike you know... my life right now. Mood: bitchy Music: Lizzie McGuire

	2003.04.06  14.37 Bed Potato It's come to my attention that i haven't been able to sleep very well in the last few days... i wake up in the middle of the night the stuffiest nose ever, and when i sniffle it makes my sore throat even sorer, and then i get distraught cuz i can't sleep so i start crying and that makes my head start to pound, and then i get so flustered my stomach starts building up all this acid up through my throat and... geez. we have no medicine in this house, cuz it's all in my pill box. which is at CLAYTON'S house still. i think. god dammit i can barely move. so this has been my weekend of laziness. it's not like i MEANT to, necisarilly, but i woke up and accidently went to hbo and it turns out there's either a free preview weekend on all the channels, or the satellite company made a big mistake and we get them for free forever. either way, i found a different movie to watch all day. and my track meet got cancelled, further killing my plan to get out of the house. i called clayton but he was busy with his cousins. jamie called a little before that, but he was already going to danny's house. so i watched movies and watched movies and watched movies and watched movies, and attempted to organize my closet. this kept on till about 8 when clayton called and wanted to come over. i was glad he came but it was really gay because my mom has this thing with not trusting me an ounce since megan and shane went and fucked. fucked each other AND fucked up my chances of being alone with clayton. i can't even have the god damn door shut, she freaked out when the lights were off and we were both lying on my bed. ON OPPOSITE FUCKING SIDES, EVEN. my mom is by far the biggest bitch i've ever met. i couldn't even fucking kiss clayton because i was scared she was going to freak out when she came in and think we were having sex. which just goes to show how very little my mom knows me and makes attempts to talk to me-- or else she'd probably know i haven't actually hung out with with my friends since that awful night at hilary's when everyone went and had a sexual noah's ark. i'm not like that! i don't dig the whole sex thing... i'm too god damn young for those kind of complications. not that my mom thinks that. for all i can tell, she thinks i've slept with a half a million guys already. NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE, NOT EVEN BY ONE PERCENT. i hate her for it... it sucked completely. i mean, the whole having clayton there for once was nice, but the whole mom thing was bullshit. me and him were watching the sunday night sex show (we usually watch it on the phone but for once he was here) and she came in and saw and kept giving me the nastiest looks. WHAT THE FUCK. i hate her i hate her i hate her. i wish she actually knew me. i wish she trusted me. ha, wishful thinking, huh? she's been incredibly hostile to me all morning, so she must think i was doing something. how far from the truth. i wish-- then she'd actually have grounds for suspicion. anyway. i'm wasting away and i'm sick as hell and i'm bored as hell and i hate my family and all my friends. that's about it. it's a very sad thing. i keep crying sporatically over really stupid thing. jamie called a little while ago and i was trying to sleep so i didn't pick it up, and john yelled at me because i asked him to pick up the phone once in a while when the phone's for me. sorry i'm fucking sick. god. i cried. and i cried like 50 in the last 3 days. not that my mom cares or anything. friday when i called her up sobbing she never even tried to console me... she WANTS me to be a friendless spinster for the rest of my life. fine by me. i don't think i'm going to school tomorrow. it's my birthday, i'm probably still going to be sick, and i haven't taken a day off all semester. mom should let me and if she doesn't i'll leave in the middle of first period anyway. i don't want to put up with my so-called friends on what is supposed to be a "happy" day. Mood: sick Music: I'll Never Fall In Love Again-- Get over it (movie!)

	2003.04.05  10.41 That thing they talk about... So today i finally noticed it. you know, that thing-- that weird thing inside me everyone keeps referring to. the thing that prevents me from saying yes when everyone (repeatedly, every single day) asks me if i'm okay. cuz i'm not. and i used to be depressed but now i'm just... i'm fucking alone. this is it, this is all. today was the absolute worst. in the morning all that happened was a glare all the way down the hallway from alysia, and me and ali and meg standing with cory and phil davis. when clayton came in i didnt' even get to talk to him because he went right to showen and all of her friends. i walked by them like 3 times and he didn't so much as say hi to me. in bio all i really did was walk around like a ghost while everyone else ate their stupid yogurt and laughed and joked. and i thought. i thought that this is what i've become: i don't talk to anyone, i spend all my time floating around like a ghost, my most significant conversations just being small exchanges of words about how i hated the homework and what i want for lunch. every single one of my friends is busy with something else. aly has natalie and kristen and krissy and vicki and nick. hilary has felisha and natalie. meg and ali have each other. jen has sarah manijak. chrissy has an entirely new circle of friends. katie despises me. krissy and i barely talk all that much anymore. paige has everybody. jamie has bedes. phil is now all tight with joey and zach. everyone else was never really all that close to me anyway. i mean, i guess me and amelia are kind of good friends, but if there wasn't track that wouldn't exist. same with amber-- we only talk when we happen to be in the same place, neither of us go out of our way to hang out or anything. even clayton... he's got showen and all her friends and all these other people i've never even seen before. we've barely talked this week at all. and this is my normal thing, too. i don't really talk to anyone. i sit in class and i listen or i space out, and i do my work when i'm asked and i don't goof off anymore. i go to track and do bare minimum. i come home and space out and do homework and then push myself to carry on a conversation with clayton-- which works on a 50/50 basis, but as much as i love talking to him i've been so drained lately. but okay, tonight we were supposed to go see joseph. aly bought us out a whole row. i told meg about 600 times to call me when she figured out how we were going to get there, and it was 6 and she still hadn't called. so i called. and no one picked up. and i called twice after that, too, and no one picked up. and now if i decide to go to the play i have to go alone, and sit there waiting for the rest of the row to get there, and i don't want to do that. i don't even want to be near them, because they obviously don't want to be near me. i burst into tears and didnt' stop for fifteen minutes, and then i called mom and told her i wasn't going. she asked why and i told her. she asked if i felt sick and i said no, cuz she said i was sniffly. i told her i'd been crying. she offered to drive me over there but i told her i'd rather stay home. and then i hung up as quick as i could and cried some more. this really sucks... i mean, i just wanted to see the play, and i thought that since meg and ali shared the same feelings i did on this whole subject of friends that they'd let me in a little. but they won't, they refuse to be anymore than a duo. so now i'm stuck here, alone, on a friday night, while everyone is either at joseph or at the cancun, and i am going to be crying and watching movies the entire time. god... this is really it. this is it. i just want to die, i never want to deal with my stupid fake friends ever again. they're all bastards and they all hate me and i hate them and i just wish i weren't alive anymore. it's not worth it to waste my energy trying to get them to acknowledge i'm around them, they can go fuck themselves for all i care, god. if they dont' want me anymore, i'm not going to put up a fight. and i'm not going to humor them by making small talk when they finally get bored enough to speak to me. FUCK THEM. jesus, i just... what the hell has happened to me? Mood: lonely Music: me crying

	2003.04.03  21.32 Boy Band Boy So today at the meet, me and amelia were watching the boys do shot while the girls did disc, and we saw... the boy band boy. the first thing i noticed was his six pack, then his light brown hair that slowly goes dark to the tips (definitely not a dye job). then i noticed his incredibly blue eyes, tan skin and the cutest smile i've ever seen in my entire life!! we dooped him the boy band boy because he looked like one of those irresistable guys in bands... you know, the lead singer. he was hott. i mean, i love grant and i love andrew and i love willy zukowski but this kid was SMOLDERING. wow. AND he placed in all 4 of his events. talk about stud. STUD I SAID!! anyway i spent the entire time hanging out with amelia uzzy amber and hayley. all very cool, it was a great chat. i found this girl with a really awesome shirt so i walked up and started talking to them, going "hey where'd you get your shirt?" and then this ensued in this really cool conversation with these people i don't know. too bad she got the shirt at disney world, cuz it was boss. so today i talked to stohr and she got me into writing for publications next year cuz they were down a few students. did i mention this yesterday-- her and my mom's emails? yeah, and also i get an extra credit project. i thought that was pretty cool. nick brought aly another ugly stuffed lion today and another "original" love note. meg is going to hide a stuffed animal and a note in hacker's locker tomorrow so they can get all gay about it like alysia and nick did. if i ever see their sexual acts in the middle of the hallway ever again, i WILL cry. i swear to god it's the sickest thing on this earth. other than that.... nothing much. i didn't get to talk to clayton a whole lot, and showen is starting to act weird to me again, and katie and i didn't speak at all today (though i guess she had a very stimulating talk with clayton at lunch, i'll get these details eventually). joseph tomorrow night... thank GOD i don't have to sit next to nick! that is all! Mood: content Music: none

	2003.04.02  17.20 It's amazing what gay people can do to you. You're thinking "oh my god bless america." you're thinking i'm a complete freak for that kind of subject. but no, seriously, gay people put me in a good mood. you do not understand. i had a terribly horrible no good very bad day for no apparent reason at all (actually, there were MANY). but i decided to wind down with a big plate of steak fries for dinner and a viewing of the birdcage. i haven't seen that movie in ages and nathan lane and robin williams make me laugh. it's a really screwed up story but it makes me happy deep down inside. i finally remember where i got that "how bout those dolphins?" remark. i can't even squeal that high, honestly. four days and no signs of james. but i'm living and it's ok. this morning was catastrophic. first i ask meg if what angie was telling my mom was true-- if her and shane were having sex. and she said YES and i was scared out of my wits and baffled beyond all hell. then nick comes up and puts this ugly ass stuffed "lion" in aly's locker with a "really sweet" note. oh my god. the stuffed thing looked like a small rat, and the note was just lyrics strategically stolen from a few very generic songs. honest to god it was the slimiest thing he's ever done. i wanted to scream cuz alysia was actually CRYING. how FAKKEEEE. however i did think it was really cute when andy strickler did a running slide down the hall on his knees, stopping right in front of melissa and sang to her. now THAT is cute. i guess though, it all depends on the person who does the thing. i find nick repulsive and creepy, i find andy romantic and thoughtful. what an epiphany mom and stohr are continuing their email chatting. but i get an extra credit project out of it..... still...... i don't trust mom's sudden "mom-ness". since when did she ever really care what i was doing with my life? everybody hates alysia, i swear to god. since she was in matinee for the show all morning i talked to everyone about her and they all agree she should be burned at the stake for dumping all of her "friends" and getting natalie vicki krissy and kristen. OH WELLLLLLLL. i was actually in a better mood when i talked to clayton tonight. i was laughing, we were joking. he finally cornered me about his hair and i had to tell him it was weird. i didn't mention the part where i said i hated it, i just said i wasn't used to it and loved his hair the adorable way it was. ha. i will never tell. i also decided i want to be like shannyn sossman in 40 days and 40 nights. she was really pretty in that and had great clothes and hair. i want to be her now. haha! nightness! i'm fighting with katie because my anger over her talking to me has come to a boiling point. this should be rich. PSSSSSSSSSS-- today me and holly were joking with jim, trying to find out who he liked and he's like "well give me your screen name" i think he hit on me!! Mood: pessimistic Music: Rooney, Ultimate Fakebook (ha, how appropriate)

	2003.04.01  19.31 Now I'm with you, my needle hits groove Hmmm well. Aly finally spoke to me today. after all morning of me and meg and ali going "gee i wish i had somewhere to sit near the lockers we've been sitting at since the first day of school. a whole lot of BULLSHIT is congesting our spots...", she came up to me and bio and actually wanted my attention. of course it was about all of us graduates of washington getting together to help protest against the cuts. they needed me seeing as i'm the only freshman who can think up a plan of action that makes sense and will potentially make a difference. i made a list. it floored people. we're on the warpath here....... both in school and in the world. clayton cut his hair. i know in the grand scheme of life this is never going to matter because it's only hair and it will grow back. but he got a CREW CUT. and he never even told me. i saw it when he walked up to me in bio. i turned to him and said hi and looked back at the snakes in the cage and looked back at him and my jaw dropped. and this sounds superficial... but i can't stand it, i HATE it. i loved his hair, he looked so adorable and now it's like he might as well be bald. i can't get used to it, every time i look at him i expect to see his normal hair back but i don't and it makes me sad. i'm going into crisis mode over my boyfriend's HAIR. how bad am i? romeo and juliet tests--- we got them back today and i got 125/140....... an 89.3!!! consequently the highest grade in the class, stohr slid me the grade book. i'm going in for extra credit tomorrow. clayton got 67/140. god bless america am i ever mad at him for it. i think stohr is proud of me again, that i'm finally getting a better grade and applying myself. i'm still working on my story. i hope it comes out good. i really do hope so, this is my last chance to prove to myself i can do it. i started welding yesterday. the teacher is a greasemonkey in the loosest sense. he creeps me out and he yelled at me for having a notebook on my desk during his boring ass videos. i despise the man already. and as for other news... nothing. i guess. Mood: calm Music: 3eb

	2003.03.31  22.13 When does the pain ever stop? stephanie and "the love of her life" tony broke up today. for the billionth time. even though i'd love to say it's what she deserved... i can't. she didn't deserve it. no one ever does. i feel bad for her. also, washington has finally decided to cut ALL extra-curricular programs, chucking algebra and enrichment, and getting rid of the science program. a lot of the kids were protesting this weekend, which i think is an awesome idea cuz the city board is a huge bunch of assholes who don't know that negative numbers in a budget are bad. just a few short hours ago i was pumped and ready to help them out with some great ideas how to really get it moving, but i kind of lost that motivation now. i lost it when i went to wash my hair. i ran out of shampoo so i had to sneak upstairs and get mom's biolage. well, for some odd reason i found myself in sophie's room. mom put stuff on top of the dresser, and she put all the clothes in the drawers. she had the winnie the pooh book-ends up.... with all the books i picked out for her in them. where the wild things are. the stinky cheese man. kipler's christmas eve. GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. all of a sudden i started bawling again, i walked over to her crib and saw all the stuffed animals covered up like my mom used to cover me up in blankets and i bawled even more. i can't stand myself anymore. i feel so guilty over it. how mom lived for sophie and that was the only thing she relished for 8 months just to watche her die in a week. how it was sophie and not me, her "mistake". how she doesn't get to have 2 kids of her own... she has to deal with a stupid little shit (her words, not mine) like me. it's not fair. everyone blaims me too. i gave her so much shit when i found out. i never helped out around the house. i caused her too much stress. i didn't make anything easier. i fought with her and raise her blood pressure. i kicked her in the stomach that one time when we were watching tv... just like my fucking father. i am turning into sam. god. i want sophie back, i want her more than anything-- i don't care what's wrong with her, i don't care if she cried at the top of her lungs night and day. just to have her there and mom happy and my parents off my back and gram to stop blaming me for her death and knowing everyone else in the family feels the same way. it's all my fault. and i'm never going to get over it because i cry every time i go in that room, or remember even the smallest details about that week. that week is the most clear time in my mind ever. i was just on the phone with clayton after 4 days of non-conversationn, and he brought up how me and him stayed up till 2 every night during christmas vacation, and i just thought of sophie for a split second and i was crying again. i didn't let him in on it. i don't nkow what's wrong, i really don't, i just wish it had been me and not her. everyone would be so happy if it had been that way. did i mention i hate all my friends? they're all horny and phony. i don't want anything to do with them anymore, not one of them. what bastards, especially alysia. her and nick were fucking humping up against the lockers this morning, literally, and i swear to god the puke was rising. it's disgusting. she's a freaking whore these days, and she ditched one of her best friends since 3rd grade for a good fuck. i hate her, i really do. Mood: sad Music: Default- Deny

	2003.03.30  22.14 You know you're an idiot when... ... you can't remember what you did in the last few days. i know yesterday was my track meet. my farthest throw was a 20"7 (i think i had a 21"4 but it was a scratch because i stepped out of the side of the ring), and i spent the entire day-- which ran about 4 hours longer than expected-- listening to music, zoning out, and watching amber teach hailee clancy the cavalette kicks. the sad thing was, i was catching on very well and knew them good and now i'm almost contemplating trying out next month. UGHHHH. we also discussed our sistership, and i found out we have an older brother, a sister somewhere between us (?????), and several younger siblings. sam baker. what a man whore. basically all in all: i was bored out of my gourd, as leve so endearingly puts it. my friday was written about in shortest detail. amen to something. you don't want to hear my pissy ravings about alysia's sluttiness. i'm glad i finally got rid of her and her phony ways and her hypocracy, but all at once i kind of miss her and resent the fact that she just dissed me like that. i never did anything against her, and even though i think she slings bullshit 24/7, i still support her compeltely. it's bullshit. all of it. and hacker and vicki are somehow best friends now?? RIIIIIGHT. today was a waste and a half. i spent the whole day watching tv and eating everything in sight. i think i'm starting tomorrow... the crimson tide rolls in. clayton called while he was up in orland square, but i got snappy at him so we just kind of hung up. i didn't mean to. it's just lately i've been thinking and i'm not OBSESSED with him anymore. usually my boyfriend is the only thing on my mind. well, right now, clayton is just one of the many things, one of the lesser-thought-about things. i was thinking all yesterday, wondering if i didn't like him anymore and should break up with him. but then today jamie called and i actually lied to get off the phone, because i didn't feel absolute ecstaticity talking to him like usual. and then i realized... i'm not even remotely dis-interested in clayton. i'm finally in that stage where i can function properly without him there every second which is a big step. even though it's worse for my friendships cuz they're all obsessed with their gay-ass boyfriends. haha why do i keep them around sometimes? i wish clayton had called back... i'd love to talk to him right now but if he calls my parents will go off their rockers. so for the most part, except where any of my friendships are concerned, i am a happy girl right now. jesus though... my friends are freaking minions to making out. not that i don't want to make out... hell that's like, my birthday wish!! but still. i'd like to see alysia have one conversation not involving boys in any way. and ps-- she's "officially" with nick now.... poor jeffy, he doesn't get any anymore. Mood: sleepy Music: 3eb

	2003.03.30  10.55 Top List of People I Envy... Completely. HAVE YOU EVER: 1. KISSED YOUR COUSIN: gladly NOT 2. RAN AWAY: got a block away once and then decided to go back cuz i missed my dog 3. PICTURED YOUR CRUSH NAKED: ummmm.... hehhehhe yeahhhhhhh 4. ACTUALLY SEEN YOUR CRUSH NAKED: not my crush. 5. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART: accidently, yes 6. BEEN IN LOVE: yes, definitely once 7. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: i'm still crying about stophie 8. WANTED SOMEONE YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T HAVE: grant johnson, andrew kelly-- YES 9. BROKEN A BONE: nope 10. DRANK ALCOHOL: only half a glass.... with apple juice 11. LIED: who hasn't? 12. CRIED IN SCHOOL: sadly yes WHICH IS BETTER: 13. COKE OR PEPSI: coke 14. SPRITE OR 7UP: sprite 15. GIRLS OR GUYS: guys 16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: all depends on what kind and the giver 18. QUIET OR LOUD: loud 19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: both 20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: hate both 21. TALL OR SHORT: doesn't matter 22. PANTS OR SHORTS: on me or on guys??? WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: 23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: eyes, what he laughs at 24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: shit ummm, like...............? THE LAST TIME: 26. SHOWERED: this morning 27. HAD SEX: friday night (in my dreams, haha!) 28. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: phone convo with jamie, friday night WHAT IS: 29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: don't believe in those anymore 30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: my father 31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: eating corn chex FAVORITES: 32. COLOR: blue i guess 33. MOVIE: sleepless in seattle is number 1, but many others follow 34. BOOK: catcher in the rye, most probable 35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: english 37. CARS: i want a VW twinkie van and a black jag 38. ICE CREAM: vanilla 39. HOLIDAY: used to be christmas, but not anymore 40. SEASON: spring 41. BREAKFAST FOOD: cereal 42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: ??? WHO: 43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: jamie and andy 44. MAKES YOU SMILE: jamie and andy 45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: clayton 46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: this really cute little kid at the spring concert who rolled around for me 47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: no crush. just a boyfriend. 48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: jamie 49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: i dunno DO YOU EVER: 50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: if they tell me they'll call back in 5, sure 51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: if they mean something to me 52. SAVE E-MAILS: yeah, usually 53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: every day of my life 54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: not really 55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: more often than not BEST: 58. KISS: jamie 59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: at our graduation party, when jamie and i were dancing together to hero, he leaned in and whispered "i love you more than anything right now, girlfriend or not" 60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: fuck guys they're gay (said by aly) HAVE YOU: 61. Fallen for your best friend?: yeah 62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: well yeah i guess so 63. Been rejected?: 3 out of 4 dentists say YES 64. Been in love?: yes. definitely. 65. Been in lust?: just obsessions with lead singers, grant johnson, and andrew kelly 66. Used someone?: i was told i did, but i never meant to 67. Been used?: yeah, i'm quite certain 69. Been cheated on?: it's a 50/50 argument on that one 70. Been kissed?: OBVIOUSLY, i'm not contained in an air-tight chamber or anything! 71. Done something you regret?: if you mean living, yes WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON: 72. You touched?: mom, when i hugged her begging for food 73: You talked to: mom 74. You hugged?: mom and john (desperate times call for desparate measures) 75. You instant messaged?: kurt 76. You kissed?: ................ 77. You had sex with?: in my dream? i can't tell that information 78. You yelled at?: my parents yell at me a hell of a lot 79. You laughed with? amber 80. Who broke your heart?: jamie 81. Who told you they loved you? jamie DO YOU: 82. Color your hair?: yeah 83. Have tattoos?: nah 84. Have piercings? : no way 85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: boyfriend 86. Own a webcam? : yeah 88. Ever get off the computer?: sure 89. Sprechen sie deutsche?: something something GERMAN? 90. Habla espanol? hey! dr meehan taught me that! 91. Quack?: no but i can do a pretty good goose impression HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU: 92. Stolen anything?: from my mom, all the time 93. Smoke?: not in this lifetime 94. Schizophrenic?: maybe 95. Obsessive?: with some things 96. Compulsive: i'd like to think not 97. Obsessive compulsive?: once or twice 98. Panic?: yeah 99. Anxiety?: yeah 100. Depressed?: if you have to ask... 101. Suicidal?: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh 102. Obsessed with hate?: no. not really. 103. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore?: just a lot of movies 104. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them?: no 105. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: anywhere but heree 106. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: i can pick of things with my toes 107. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? the eyes 108. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: yeah 109. Would you marry for money?: i'm heartless enough to 110. Have you had braces?: no 111. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: yes 112. Do you like hairy backs?: that's just wrong 113. When was the last time you had a hickey?: like never 114. Could you live without a computer?: only if i were dead 115. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...?: aol 116. If so, how many people are on your list/s?: the whole 200 117. If you could live in any past time period, what would it be? sometime easier than this 118. Do you drink enough water?: i try 119. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: depends 120. What is your favorite fruit?: apples 121. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: both 122. What is your favorite place to visit?: chicago 123. What is the last movie you saw?: father of the bride (on right now) 124. Do you kiss on the first date?: i don't really go on "dates", but yeah 125. Are you photogenic?: my mom likes to think so. she's really a great photographer, i'm just a bad model 126. Do you dream in color or black and white?: both 127. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: black and chipped 128. Is it chipped or fresh?: hahah CHIPPED 129. Do you have any dimples?: yeah 130. Do you remember being born?: i most certainly hope not 131. Why do you take surveys?: boredom 132. Do you drink alcohol? i have, but i don't 134. What is the best accent? english, french, irish, australian...... anything 135. Who do you want to kiss? well....... i guess i'd want to kiss my boyfriend!! 136. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: sunsets 137. Do you want to live to be 100?: god no 138. Is a flat stomach important to you?: i tend to wish i weren't fat and had one 139. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: hahha used to be obsessed, really 140. Are you loyal?: to those who deserve my loyalty 141. Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: only if they can genuinely back it up 142. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: off 143. Do you have nightmares frequently?: not really 144. Do you like your nose?: it's starting to get big 145. Do you think you can draw well?: no 146. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real? maybe 7? 147. How many pairs of shoes are in your closet?: only like 4..... the rest are on the floor and in other rooms 148. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: my cons are my life 149. Do you write poetry?: yeah but not much anymore 150. Do you snore?: no 151. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: side, always 152. Dog/Cat? both 153. Do you lick stamps? i don't send mail 154. Do you use an electric can opener?: yeah, or else i'd cut open my hand 155. Have you ridden in a hotair balloon?: no 156. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: phsyical stops after a while, emotional lasts forever 157. Favorite TV show?: murder she wrote 158. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: yeah, ME 159. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: piano!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 160. Are you a sex addict?: no 161. Do you know someone who has cancer: lots who've had cancer 162. Do you like to argue?: it's the only thing i'm good at 163. Do you hunt?: no 164. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: i like popeye's and the olive garden 165. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: museum 166. Do you have a middle name? ann 167. Are you basically a happy person?: yeah, way back in 4th grade 168. Are you tired?: almost always 169. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: nope not yet 170. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: yeah, my cuz billy q! 171. How many phones do you have in your house?: ummm...... wait....... 7. i think. 172. How long is your hair?: mid-length and i'm growing it out 173. Do you get along with your parents?: i hate them both with a passion 174. What color of eyes do you prefer?: blues and greens 175. Full name: Karlie Ann Baker 176. Were you named after anyone?: middle name, same as my mom 177. Do you wish on stars?: yeah 178. Which finger is your favorite?: ummm..... left pointer, haha 179. When did you last cry?: last night i think. wait, this morning. 180. If you were making a movie about yourself, what would the title be? something really corny and art school film-ish 181. Do you like your handwriting?: you mean my chickenscratch? 183. What is the #1 priority in your life?: to die and/or become a good happy person again 184. What is your favorite lunchmeat?: chicken 185. Any bad habits?: biting my nails, cussing, being sad 186. What is your most embarrassing CDs?: hanson, all the way 187. If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself? after i got to know myself, yes 188. Are you a daredevil?: sometimes 189. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: nah 190. Have you ever stolen anything?: from my mom 191. Do looks matter?: to a certain degree 192. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: nah cuz i'm good at that 193. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: yeah 194. Do fish have feelings? you'd know the answer if you've seen the little mermaid 195. Are you trendy?: no not really. i hate all my clothes 196. How do you release anger?: screaming at people and crying 197. Where is your second home?: my gram's house 198. Do you trust others easily?: no way 199. What was your favorite toy as a child?: my white bunny and my sit n' spin 200. What class in school do you think is totally useless?: BIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 201. Do you like sappy love songs?: ohhhh yeah 202. Have you ever been on radio or television?: radio 203. Do you have a journal?: without a doubt 204. Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes 205. Have you ever been in another country: nope 206. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: humor 207. What is/are your nickname/s?: my mom calls me lucy 208. Would you bungee jump?: with a very strong cord 209. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: no 210. What are you worried about right now?: clayton 212. Do you think you are strong?: physically yes. emotionally no. 215. What's your least favorite thing in the world?: bio 216. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: i dunno 217. Do you have anything pierced?: no 218. Do you have any tattoos?: no 219. What would you change about yourself?: everything practically 21. Who are the people you care most about?: jamie and clayton 223. I need: jamie and clayton 224. I find: lots of quarters around my house 225. I want: to be someone different 226. I have: nothing of interest 227. I wish: i didn't have to do my english 228. I love: ......... best not to answer that 229. I hate: my parents 230. I miss: being happy 231. I fear: most things 232. I feel: depressed 233. I hear: the TV 234. I smell: corn chex 235. I wonder: why i can't be prettier/nicer/the person i wish i were 236. I regret: a lot of things WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU: 237. Smiled?: ummm.......... yesterday, doing cavalette kicks 238. Laughed?: yesterday sometime i guess 240. Bought something?: yesterday-- candy bars 241. Danced?: yesterday 242. Were sarcastic? today 243. Kissed someone?: a very long time ago 244. Talked to an ex?: i saw bobby yesterday at the meet 245. Watched your favorite movie?: two or three weeks ago 246. Do you own any plaid clothing?: yeah 247. Do you own Converse shoes?: I LIVE FOR MY CONS 248. Do you own Saucony shoes?: yeah, but they're kind of rained on 249. Do you own old school Nikes?: no just normal ones 250. Do you wear tight pants?: a few pairs 251. Is there more than one zipper in your pants? ohhhh yes, especially my plaid ones HAVE YOU (IN THE LAST DAY): 252. Worn a skirt: no 253. Been mean: yeah 254. Been sarcastic:yes 255. Met someone new: yes 256. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no crushes, remember! 257. Missed someone: yeah 258. Hugged someone: yes 259. Fought with your parents: yess 260. Wished upon a star: no 261. Laughed until you cried: noo 262. Played Truth or Dare: no 263. Watched a sunrise/sunset: no 264. Went to the beach at night: no 265. Spent quality time alone: unfortunately with MYSELF 266. Read a book for fun: yeah 267. Are you lonely: yes 268. Are you wearing your pajamas: no 269. Are you talking to someone online: no i'm on away 270. this quiz is over, you like that? yesss! Mood: mischievous Music: Father of the Bride... ahhhh thank you TBS

	2003.03.28  17.04 I hate my mother with an unrelenting grudge deep within my bones I feel like my head is going to explode all over my walls. i just do. my throat is choking me, my stomach is slashing itself, and my head is combusting. it might be my nerves-- meet tomorrow. and i suck, utterly and completely. i don't want to let leve down, i want to be good. but i SUCKKKK. the whole of my day has also sucked. i spent the morning bashing aly nick krissy kristen jared vicki nat and whoever else suddenly decided to take the seats we founded against the lockers. it really made me sick this time, thinking about all these assholes. nick's been writing these "songs" for aly, and ali had em so i read a few....... oh my god. what CRAP. i've never felt so sorry for someone in my life, cuz i bet he thinks they're good. the rest of the day consisted of floating around in shutdown mode, not exactly talking to clayton or anyone else for that matter. i came home and ate and sat there for a while... waited for clayton to call, but every time he did he had to go after 3 minutes and said he'd "call back later". which he never did. jamie called me and i had a great chat with hiim... thank god for someone, i'm glad i at least have jamie. after that i took a bath and got my track stuff ready for tomorrow. realized i was completely unprepared. read for a while. watched some sundance. went down in my bedroom and zoned for an hour. clayton called but then my mom secretly went on speakerphone and heard me call her a fucking whore and she kicked me off. what a stupid bitch, i fucking hate her and i hope she knows it. so now.................... now what? Mood: tired Music: Coldplay- Clocks

	2003.03.27  21.17 To-Do List 1. clean room 2. sort out clothes 3. make money 4. get disco bunny out of old room and bring to kj 5. get writing on that new story........ research places 6. take lots of pics and learn to develope 7. make up with friends, and/or get new ones 8. make myself happy 9. finish baking cookies for bio 10. study for the history test!!!!! tres imporant 11. download the rest of those songs paige gave me 12. catch up on sleep 13. practice shot 14. talk to paige a bit more often 15. figure out what i'm going to do with my life 16. hack into mom's email and read the rest of her traitor-provoked emails 17. pass bio 18. get an A in english 19. figure out what i'm going to do for spring break, seeing as clayton will not be in town 20. get happy around clayton 21. de-slut-ify aly and return her back to normal (i hope) 22. buy a whole new wardrobe 23. talk to amber more 24. self-actualize......... cuz god, do i ever need it Mood: amused Music: Dashboard

	2003.03.27  19.37 Ay me, for sad hours seem long.. I'm in a bit better of a mood. today was ok, in the grand scheme of things. my friends are still reluctant to speak to me but megan however passed on the information that hil is now dating bryan storm, and yesterday at kristens, alysia and jeff were in a locked room together and she opened the door covered in a blanket. jesus christ, what a little slut! me and meg have no clue when she turned into this hormonal whore, and what triggered it. it's insane, honestly. i feel horrible cuz she's been one of my best friends for so long, but god almighty this is quite too far. geez. anyway. katie finally talked to me for the first time since hil's party in bio. she asked if i was mad at her, so i lied and said no. and she said she was sorry and she's been ignoring everyone lately and didn't even notice. by the end of class i didn't much care about it anymore, but i'm still sort of disappointed in what she says about steve. steve is way too great of a guy to get dissed like that. i'm at least glad to say i didn't see any emails from my mom on stohr's desk this morning. and the rest of the day was kind of senseless. i didn't talk much to clayton for reasons i can't explain. i feel like i need space today-- i didn't want to talk to anybody, i just wanted to THINK. cuz i like to think. even though i talked to paige a lot cuz i miss our talks and i needed some new music to listen to, so she recommended a few good ones. i wish i talked to her more, she gets it. ya know? no, i suppose you don't... i don't even understand whatever it is between me and paige. so then i went to track and i have to say, i've improved in the last week. even uzzy and mike west were patting me on the back-- of course, only after 3 days of chastising me for not bending down far enough and still "throwing" too much. i can't wait for the meet now. i'm excited. after practice i went down to the trib and watched mom play around with adobe, and when we were leaving clayton was waiting outside. i was kind of mad about it... i mean i offered to give him a ride if he coudln't find another one home, but i was really just hankering to go home and chill. we stopped at the grocery store where i got my stuff for making chocolate chip cookies, and then got a new magazine, and dropped off clayton, and came home. i made a batch of cookies and looked through my magazine and for some reason, out of nowhere, i got inspiration. for a new story. it's about a girl (i don't know her name yet), who gets this summer writing assignment from her next teacher (she's going to take creative writing), and she has to pretend that every week, so goes somewhere new in the world. i guess it's kind of therapy for me-- i'm picking 14 places i wish i could go-- one for ever week of summer i'm off-- and i'm going to pretend i'm there and make up a brand new experience. i'm thinking places like orange county ca, new york, london, paris, tokyo, cancun, rome, somewhere at a cabin in the middle of the woods, florence, australia... exotic places, different places, places i wish i could really go to. i think it'll be fun. i'm hoping i get my writing groove back, so my mom and stohr will stop conspiring against me. it makes me excited, it makes me happy. anyway. must go study for my romeo and juliet test tomorrow. oh gosh, i just want to write right now, but i can't. was i always this happy with a new story? Mood: thoughtful Music: Prince- Kiss and Raspberry Beret

	2003.03.26  18.49 Karlie and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day Today was freaking... ahhhhhhhhhh. That's what i say about it: ahhhhhhhhhhhh. The morning was a piece of crap. i coudln't find anything decent to wear because liz cannon keeps stalking me and harassing me about my clothing, so i didn't want to get in any confrontations and have her beat the shit out of me after school. and then my friends.... my "friends"... were not speaking with me. i got my project ok'd by stohr and talked to clayton. and went to french and finally beat phil in a word search. had bio... nothing special. english was the kicker. i go and sit at stohr's desk as usual, and i see a printout of some email from the trib. and it has my mom's email attached to it. and i read it. and... god, i fucking hate my mom. it was basically an entire thing on how my mom is worried that i'm not the same since sophie died and that i'm not motivated to make something of myself anymore, and if there's ANYTHING stohr can do to help, then to please do so, and so on and so for and suggestions and gripes about lil ol me. i didn't know what to think. i mean, i tell mom all this stuff so she'll kind of understand me, not pour it out to my english teacher. it really hurt. so of course i was pissy till classes ended at 1130. me and clayton had to wait an ungodly half hour for his grandma to come get us, and i was starved. so we finally got to the restaurant and had to wait 20 more very long minutes for a table cuz it was so busy-- master stirfry, what an institution. but we got a table, and spent an hour eating plates upon plates of rice (white for him, fried for me) and chicken and beef and whatnot. we went to the mall where i spent lots and lots of time in sam goody looking through cds, and he was looking for the new eiffel 65. we went to maurices and whatnot, bergners, stuff like that. there's not much left in our mall... it's all kind of gone. so we went to target and i started feeling kind of shitty with myself as we went along. we sat around near the doors for a while trying to think of something to do.... and we just decided to walk. and as we walked i got more and more confused about myself. i'm so mad at my mom and my grandma and my friends and mrs stohr and depenbrock and myself. myself especially. i've been wasting myself and becoming one of the main characters in a bad indie movie i used to pity. we were walking and talking and all i could talk about was how much i hated everything and how i wanted to leave this place or kill myself or something. and it wasn't a normal bad mood either, cuz i was even acting weird to clayton. like... usually i see him and i'm fine, and i forget other things. but today it was all just one big rush. and eventually we were both feeling a bit better as we walked through this huge field and i got weeds poking through my flip flops.... they look like moon units now. we walked down to shooting park (holy shit that's right it's a long way) and we got kind of near burger king, waiting to cross the street cuz there was a buttload of traffic....... and an angel came and offered a ride. amber--- god i owe her a favor! she's so nice to me, thank god. she drove us down to the tribune and was all cool about it and we had a good conversation and as she let us out she mentioned bryan storm's mom working at the trib and i said i knew from aly and she goes "that bitch" and i'm like WHOAAAAAAAAAAA. yow!! haha! we went to the salvation army and spent an hour there and i got a really cool yellow beret and i was really craving this old cavalier jacket....... and i wanted it so bad but i'm broke........ it made me sad. i'm so going shopping for vintage for my birthday!! i must! i must! yeah so i feel shitty. and i dunno why. and... i dunno. meh. i'm gonna go and sulk or something. yesterday-- went to washington's chorus concert with clayton, got hit on by some little kid. adep was painfully nice to me. not much else. Mood: nostalgic Music: mehh-- whatever

	2003.03.24  20.48 What motivates me? Yowza. I don't know what to do with myself right now. What motivates me? 1. today ADep yelled at me and holly. i was leaned over dusting the floor dirt off my flip flops and paige and holly were having a conversation over me, and then adep just STOPS her discussion and says me and holly should stop talking, and that she talked to sarver about us. i was like.... i was just dusting off my flip flops. god, she mortified me. how gay is that? 2. i took this depression test last night, and i got the same result as the last almost 2 years: i should seek medical help as soon as possible. this time, i emailed the page to mom with the answers and the results on it. at the studio she brought it up, but didn't actually say anything. neither did i... mostly cuz i thought it was pretty self explanitory. 3. in other email news, did i mention mom emailed adep and asked about me? she must have answered yesterday cuz i came down to the trib after practice and mom showed me what it say.......... ALL BULLSHIT. and to top it off: adep CALLED my mom during her free period!!! my mom was not so pleased-- with adep, at least. i guess she started getting really nasty with mom cuz mom told me she said "look lady, i just lost a child and i'm sorry if none of our heads are in the right place right now but you're full of shit." haha, i love my mom for that. it's completely true... and i know i'm gonna catch crap for it in class tomorrow. but mom said she put adep in her place. i'm glad. i'm glad glad glad glad glad. 4. adep wasn't the only teacher my mom emailed. today at the end of english, stohr goes "i forgot your mom worked at the tribune". i asked her what brought that on, and she said that in an email from the trib, one from my mom was attached. she said my mom was "checking up on me". i got to the trib, and that's what sparked the whole email debate. i wanted to know what both of them said about me, cuz stohr is the only teacher i care what she thinks of me. mom woudln't show me what she wrote, and i got suspicious. but she showed me stohr's email. basically she talked about the kind of writing programs available ONCE I WAS OLDER, and said i was a good kid, and she mentioned the novel project, and also said that i'd be a perfect student and a very excellent writer if only i'd found my motivation again. i guess she's more than noticed my lack of attention to my academics since christmas. and then i got to think... what IS my motivation? i mean, honestly? 5. kj caught me and amelia saying lazyass today after school. she scared the shit out of us, popping out of nowhere. god... i hate cussing in front of teachers. especially ones that wear a different matching necklace and bracelet every single day. 6. me and clayton were kind of rocky today. i mean, the morning was great. we were talking and he made me this little card out of a notecard that said 14 days till my birthday, and that i better not leave (because you see, i am planning to go away for a week by myself without anyone but him knowing, and he doesn't like that cuz i want to be gone on my birthday). then krissy out of nowhere brought up something he didn't tell me 2 weeks ago. and i hounded him in pe till he did and he was like "yeah it's stupid and i wasn't gonna ever tell you anyway. and it was just katie. she's stupid." i asked him if she wanted him to dump me again, and he was like............ blank like that. GOD DAMMIT. fuck katie. i got kind of dissapointed and didn't feel like defending him from jimmy and andy and zach all period so i walked with andy instead. it was a great time. me and andy are masterminds. anyway, i went to clayton's locker after school to see what time he wanted me to come over and he was just like "see ya" and walked away. yeah. and then he never called till 630 when he knew i'd be at the studio, and he called the house. dumb dumb dumb boys. 7. practice today was great. we were in the pool and we played water basketball and i made about 20 single points, and then we were in a 10 minute brawl over the ball. all of us were scratching and biting and kicking and drowning and screaming. it was great. i love it. 8. meg today unleashed that she didn't like aly all that much lately either. neither did ali or hil, they brought this up to me! no wonder they've been spending all their time together! and to top off aly's slut-fest, she was making out with JEFF saturday night when nick was going to ask her out. i hope he ditches her, i hope jeff does too. she kind of deserves it, no offense. adep must be destroyed. i must do something spectacular for my novel project. i need to find my motivation again... cuz i've lost all my life's work and need to start anew. how sad... Mood: melancholy Music: Eiffel 65- Too Much of Heaven (finally! i have it!)

	2003.03.23  20.31 Sundays are long when everyone hates you I have come to the following conclusions in the last few hours: 1. i am a baby-sister killer. 2. my parents and my grandmother hate me infinitely. 3. my stepsister hates me infinitely. 4. all of my close and trusted friends.... are both untrustworthy and not as close to me as i thought. in fact, they are all pretty much selfish bastards who don't even notice when one of their nearest and dearest is on the verge of killing herself-- had her boyfriend not stolen her pill box. 5. despite clayton's ongoing efforts to convince me otherwise, i seriously don't think jamie likes me. and i hope he doesn't. god. that would be a big mess. 6. my birthday is in 15 days and i have no desire to see my 15th birthday, or the lack of attention i'm going to get on it. 7. there should be more people like clayton in the world. 8. i really need to get help for my depression. it's really out of sorts right now. 9. i am also currently mourning the disappearance and probable death of my zip disk. THE zip disk. the one with all my novels and all my work on it since i was old enough to write-- everything important was on that disk and i no longer have it nor do i know where it is. how many more signs do i need before i stop writing altogether for good? but i do have to say... that disk was part of me. a big part of me. and i cried harder than ever today when i realized was gone, cuz it had my novels and short stories and poems and journal entries. stuff that i only kept on there. and it's all gone. it's all gone. Mood: crappy Music: ummm.... none....

	2003.03.23  18.26 I am not well I want to call someone and just cry. Today was absolutely horrible. I woke up and had some cinnamon rolls, then got dressed and stuff… I don’t know why, but I was in the mood to do something today. Mom said her and gram were going to the mall and to the Master Stirfry for lunch, so I decided to go. When gram came she brought cupcakes. Bean wanted one but mom said not till after lunch, and then I proceeded to take one and eat it, since I was leaving for lunch anyway. All of a sudden bean goes in her room and starts crying and gram comes back out of there going “she’s upset because Karlie took a cupcake and she doesn’t get one” and mom screamed her head off at me for “ruining everything like always”. I stormed out to the car and gram followed. And she said something to me and I said “oh yeah, I just love hearing her yell. It really makes me appreciate the moments she’s not at work.” and gram goes “remember what happened last time you said bad things like that.” I knew she was referring to Sophie. I said “yeah and it’s my fucking fault sophie died, right?” and her only reply was to not say fuck. And I cried… a lot. Silently, though. We drove to the restaurant and I ate heaps of rice and chicken and beef and had lots of “pesi” and ate even more rice. I called clayton to taunt him, but he was all enthralled with spending time with his cousins, so we only talked for about 2 minutes. After that we went to the mall where I got two new books and two new cds, and then we went to target where I bought flip-flops, and we came home. And mom yelled at me more and I cried again and I’m still feeling like shit for it. So I tried thinking of something to do. I was halfway hoping clayton would call so I could come see his cousins, the cute ones. But he hasn’t and I don’t blame him… he’s probably having a great time with them, laughing and stuff and his mom doing hilarious things. His family get-togethers are like that. Mine end with my grandma going schitzo on everyone, my aunt drunk, carrie talking about her latest suicide attempt and mom feeling shitty of sophie. Nobody wins when my family is together. Well after I thought of that, I decided to clean my room. That didn’t get anywhere-- I just figured I would mess it back up in 2 days anyway. So then I decided to sort out my clothes, but that was even more useless because I hate all my clothes and who cares if they’re clean? I don’t wear them anyway. Then I went on the internet, but no one was on. Then I continued reading The Bell Jar, but that didn’t work out all too well either… Esther keeps trying to kill herself, and it just depresses me further because the more I read, the more I wish I were in her shoes. We’re practically the same anyway: we’re both smart, and both want to be writers even though we don’t have much talent, and we both are depressed and have no clue what to do with ourselves. And I felt really shitty after that, cuz my only decent attempt on suicide is now sitting somewhere at Clayton’s house… damn him, anyhow. I almost wonder if I have homework… if so, I don’t want to do it. I just want to sleep, or run away, or do something constructive with myself. Maybe I will run away… just for a week or so. I’ll take out my cash in the bank and get a ticket to California and take my sleeping bag with me so I can sleep under the stars on the beach, and get tan, and meet a few new people, and then come back home all refreshed and rested and ready to figure out my life again. It just depresses me to know that I can’t. Sister-killers aren’t allowed any time to refresh themselves… they’re doomed to live guilt-filled lives. I want to talk to clayton, but he’ll only tell me how much fun he’s having with his cousins and I’ll get more depressed pretending I’m happy for him. Even though I really am-- I wish I had a family that loved me, too. Mood: fucked up Music: the cars on the highway prove to be entertaining

	2003.03.23  15.22 Baz Luhrman = cool guy Yeah. wow. my life is like a soap opera, only moreso pathetic. So yesterday. i think school went okay, but probably because i don't remember most of it. i remember in the morning they had sadie pics pickup, and i got mine and just shoved them in the back of my locker while everyone else was ignoring me going "oh gosh they look so cute, how come me and my date didn't look that cute?!" and then clayton came in but he wasn't talking much, AND to top it off... showen and her cronies were staring at us with xray vision, scaring me off so she could give him their pics. i'm gonna be honest-- i got a really uneasy feeling about that, thinking it's not fair. cuz now he has two sets of pictures with two very different girls in them... and of course, showen is a lot prettier than i am, so they probably look better than mine. yeah. it made me kind of sad the entire day, but i guess i lived through it. clayton had a hell of a time trying to get me to decide what we were going to do for the night, and we settled on chinese and movies at his house. i was more than happy to oblige the offer. chicken garlic sauce and quality time with clayton? i can take that. but then disaster strikes. i was just sitting upstairs watching the four feathers, and jamie calls. we were having a pretty good conversation and i was trying to get off the phone so i could get ready to go to clayton's, and mom comes in, telling me i have to babysit for angie tonight. i hung up on jamie and was like...... WHAT? I HAVE PLANS. at first she told me i could decide for myself. well then she said i had to go. so i called up clayton, and he was... well, he wasn't very pleased with me, to say the least. he said he'd been trying to call me and i told him i was talking to jamie, that was mistake 1. but then i go "and you're gonna be mad at me, but i can't come over tonight" and he thought i was going somewhere with jamie. this hatched a 15-minute "jamie likes you, don't deny it" fight. it was pretty bad. i coudln't think of anything to say because he woudln't believe that jamie didn't, and i just ended up telling him to shut up. and i felt really bad, because he was disappointed in me, cuz he planned this all on monday, and i was ditching him an hour before i was supposed to be over. he was pissed. he tried to deny it but HE WAS PISSED. so i got there as shane was leaving, and he didn't so much as say hi. angie explained everything and jakey was really quiet. they left and i pretty much sat there for 2 1/2 hours watching spongebob squarepants and fighting him to put his pajamas on, cuz he cried whenever i took the bottle out of his hands. he nodded off at about 830, and a minute later angie called saying her friend was bringing over his kid for me to watch for a while. ugh. i called clayton and talked for 10 or so minutes till the kid came... it was a bad convo. he guilted me. and then this kid came, and he's michelle rich's brother-- and looks NOTHING like either of his sisters. i mean, they're glamorous and beautiful, and he's fat and geeky-ish. but at least he kept me entertained. we ordered lagrottos garlic nuggets, and went through shane's room (omg i found his porn stash on accident.... GROSSSSSSS), and we watched shallow hal and talked and stuff. he was a pretty cool kid. a pretty cool, yet horribly preverted kid. i called clayton again and he was yelling "your girlfriend's hot, man!" a billion times. ummm.... yuckkk. then angie and the boys came home, and she drove me home. and i called clayton. i don't even remember what we were really talking about, cuz i was laying in bed nearly nodding off. then i looked outside for some odd reason, and i see this car parked on the side of the road i didn't see earlier. and it was parked kind of the end of shalene's driveway, so it creeped me out even more. what was it DOING there? i mentioned it to clayton and he started telling me how last christmas this guy who stabbed someone in tonica was harassing him on the phone and showing up at his door... jesus, i was scared for my life. i kept hearing noises, and i got really freaked out. i turned off the light in my room and i ran and locked the door real fast, and i had clayton call me back cuz i wanted to stay up in my parent's room. so there i was, hunched down in the dark, phone between my ear and shoulder, teddy bear in my lap, and one of john's guns in my hand. i had him call my mom on 3way so i could tell her to get home, and i was freaking out real bad cuz i kept imagining intruders coming in and killing me. then my parents came home from ottawa and john drove over to the car and checked it out and mom took the gun from me and john gave me the number to the state police and my mom made fun of me for freaking out. and i stayed on the phone with clayton for another hour or so till i felt to sick to even talk. somewhere in the midst of exhaustion, he asked me if i thought he was important to me. and i answered, truthfully, yes he was. he seemed so amazed by it. i don't get why. so i woke up this morning at noon, ate, and spent the entire day laying up in my parent's room, watching movies. high fidelity. exit wounds. the ring. clayton called and we talked for a while, but it was basically... well, sludge i guess. i was really tired and barely talking, and he thought i was mad about him going to turnabout tonight. he kept trying to get me to go out tonight, but i didn't want to. he asked if i had other friends besides my little grouple. little does he know, my "little group" consists of about 40 people, and i am in no way in charge of where i go and who with. those 40 people are the only ones i feel halfway compelled to spend time with-- and today was one of those days i just wasn't. he kept mentioning this summer and how we only have 7 weeks left of school, and how, ha, i probably wouldn't want to see him at all once summer started. it was funny to me. given the current state of my friendships, who else would i spend time with??? i mean, aside jamie once in a while, clayton is probably the only person i'm gonna wanna see. and then he had to go, because for one, he had to go see his cousins since they just got in, and two, he had to get ready for turnabout. so i watched moulin rouge by myself, and went through the entire extras cd. i mean, EVERYTHING. it was very long but it made me happy because i kept thinking how i wish i lived back then, and still had a kickass soundtrack to my life. then i went on the internet and around 1130 clayton got on and he was all riled up, saying i was the only important one in his life and he hates his friends. for some reason, our lives are a little too in common. glory be. i called cuz he was all rile-y, and i guess every single person he used to know and be great friends with is now all about drugs, sex, and alcohol. he was really pissed off, it was kind of scary. i've seen him pissed but not PISSED. and then after not even 10 minutes my mom starts screaming her head off at me and made me hang up for the night dammit i want to talk to him. he said he was near jamie practically all night. i don't know what to think about that Mood: fucking.... ahhh Music: all american rejects

	2003.03.20  22.16 Fun Facts from the last few days!! Well, I know it sounds surreal but i HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO WRITE. you heard me correctly, for the last few days i've been slightly busy and/or too tired to write. so i'll try to remember the big things. 1. all my friends.. well, i haven't talked to them at all in the last few days, except for maybe hi's, yes's, and no's. everything else was just silence, and they haven't even noticed! it's kind of a bad realization in a way-- that i can go two days without speaking to my friends and they're too wrapped up in themselves to notice. i think aly might have realized it sometime in geometry today... her and jen were passing notes. they NEVER pass notes, they talk about anything and let me hear from my seat, but not on this. and they were staring at me. evertheless, meg is sort of talking to me, and then chrissy is, and andrea is, and jenni did today. chrissy said she thought they were all stupid for doing this to me cuz "i'm the nicest one of them and never talk about them behind their backs, when that's all they do." i mean... it's mostly true. the only person i speak ill about is aly, and i only talk about that to clayton. i don't get it. will something develope tomorrow? 2. track is good good good.i like track, even when we had conditioning (translation: LOTS OF CARDIO) today. except maybe coach parker, he's got us wearing sweats every day for the rest of the season. dumbass. 3. intro tech. haha, the boys all love me. they think i'm crazy and insane and way too hyper and laugh a little too much, but they all love me dearly. even weber is being a really cool guy to me. and my project turned out fabulously, thank you! 4. jamie and i spoke for the first time in about 1 1/2 weeks last night. he called around 6 and we got off a little after 8. it was a lot of nonsense talk, but it was all good. we laughed and caught up and everything. made each other laugh, he taught me more spanish. i miss the kid. he is without a doubt one of my favorite people. 5. last night clayton and i had a slight meltdown. he came over after school for a little while, and in my haste to hide just about everything i own, he kind of found my pill box. i was tackling him to the ground for it and he left with it, sonofabitch. later, a few minutes i got off the phone with jamie, he called me and said he'd been trying to get a hold of me for 2 hours (ha, oh well). we talked, and he kept saying over and over that he was worried about me and then didn't want me doing anything stupid and blahblahblah. i was really pissed off at him for taking it and i refused to tell him why i had it and what made me even begin it in the first place. then he went all psycho too and said he was better off using them. and i'm just like "NO........ CLAYTON........ NOO." and somewhere in there i changed the subject. oh, we talked about jamie. that was quite non-fantastic. 6. we are officially at war with iraq. we dropped our first bombs on them at 7 last night. my opinions are vast, and i'm just going to say i hope this gets over with. 7. today was a hooter and a half. after the whole friends mess, it was good i guess. i had track and had a lovely time with amelia ann in the petting zoo. first... i get bit by a duck. a duck bit me. then i go and i call a muskrat a mouse and leve yelled at me, and then i played with the baby chicks, and then i went over and lookeda the goats and the little pink pigs. then i walked up to the llama and he woudln't come near anyone, so i started making the chewing motion they always do, and he perked his ears up and tottled on over to me and tried to kiss me, i think. i was hit on by a llama! and then amelia calls me over to look at something or other, and all of a sudden this evil goose with balls under its chin started squaking at me and snapping, and i screamed bloody murder. it was the funniest thing in the world, amelia coudlnt' get enough of it. it scared me shitless!!! so then i went to get clayton from raley's room, but he was down waiting for me at the flagpole. we walked to the tribune where i showed him around and we got drinks. and i was hyper as an add patient without their ridalin. for the next hour i was bouncing around everything, screaming and singing and laughing like a complete dumbass. don't ask me what exactly i did, i dont' remember. but god was i in some weird euphoric state... it was FREAKYYYY if i've ever known it. poor mom and clayton! haha. so we got to the house, and we umm... dammit what did we do? i was listening to my new cds he made me. and then i was laying down on the bed and so was he and he started tickling me and then i started flipping around like a fish, and guess what happened? WE BROKE MY BED....... AGAIN. the board john put under there to keep it stable cracked and made the loudest noise. oh my god. it was great. we walked to the kitchen like normal kids and got our pizza and cut it and went back to my room to eat, cracking jokes about how he broke the bed. we turned it into some sexual context. and till about 8 we were just laying on my bed talking and laughing and wrestling around and making fun of alysia. and then his mom called and asked what time he wanted to come home and he's like "when i finish my homework"--- so then we decided to start on it. this was going well at first... i mean, we split up the biology and the mood was still great and we were laughing. well the phone rang. and it was jamie. and i tried getting him off the phone, but he wouldn't let me. i mean, i was glad talking to him and i was laughing a lot cuz it's jamie and he's like my best of everything as far as friends goes, but then i'd glance over at clayton, seeing him looking not-so-happy, and i'd try to get off the phone. jamie kept wanting to talk to him, i'd rather jump off a cliff than let that happen. i got off and clayton goes "he still likes you" and i denied it, which of course it true cuz jamie said he liked this one girl. yeah well after that... there wasn't much to say. i think clayton was mad, well, i KNOW clayton was mad. i didn't mean for jamie to call and i definitely didn't mean to stay on as long as i did. i apologized and everything, of course. jesus. i'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy............ i can't control who calls ME. this mood lifted after maybe 20 minutes and we just started talking again. he kept staring at me with his hollow eyed-ness, and i got freaked out so i'd cover his eyes and then i'd just stare at his mouth and i was like i wish i could kisssssssss you......... but of course i didn't. and we were just fine till his dad came for him. whatta kid. he makes me so happy. even on my bad days, even when i have no friends, i have him and jamie and track, and all is well. yes so anyway. you know, clayton is going to bede's turnabout saturday night... and since jamie knows he will be there, i can assure anyone that they're going to converse. and i don't like it one bit. jamie still knows when i lie over the phone. and i'm tired as all hell and my legs burn cuz i have razor burn! haha. good night me myself and i. Mood: happy Music: John Mayer- Why Georgia

	2003.03.17  19.59 What an interesting day... Well. You know, this morning... i didn't speak to my friends. i stood there with my donut and laughed with them, but never spoke and they didn't notice. it was kind of funny in a way-- they're all such damn morons sometimes. and i had a note for clayton, but he came in and looked at me and then walked to algebra. and then bio was nothing special. we watched a video, and clayton didn't say a word. and then at the very end he goes "we need to talk. i have to tell you something" at first i thought it was probably about him going to georgia. but i guess it wasn't. and i spent the entire day chasing him wherever (whereever?) he went, trying to figure out what it was. and in pe, we're outside on the track of course, and he tells KRISSY and i just happen to be a foot behind them. he has to break up with me, like his dad said. cuz he didn't raise his grades. he waited all day to tell me even though i knew all day what is was anyway. which is bullshit. i've yelled at him for this every day and now i get dumped. we're not really broken up, OF COURSE, but now i can't home over, he can't come over, we can't talk on the phone, and we can't go anywhere on the weekends together. so yet again, it doesn't matter if i have a boyfriend cuz i'll always be at hackers house without anyone to keep me distracted from all the other people making out. jesus, it makes me want to cringe. i called and yelled at him-- cuz he knew it was coming, he told me 3 weeks ago, and did nothing about it. and his mom came home and told him to get off so he was just like "yeah bye". yeah. bye. so ummm.... this puts a dent in my entire love/social life. and now he wants to have a party at his house saturday when his parents leave. i called him a dumbass for it-- he's grounded from the phone and going out, he's "broken up" with me, and now he wants to get sent to military school. tell me where this is balanced. Mood: disgruntled Music: assorted songs of my play list

	2003.03.16  21.01 haha, a survey!! Five details about you... [x] Right now, I happen to hate all my friends. [x] I am the proud new owner of my gram's beauty shop shirt. [x] I feel and look like shit. [x] I know where my mom's happy pills are. [x] Saltine crackers and cereal are the only two foods i can keep down at any sporatic moment of life. Five details about your appearance right now... [x] i have the same pair of jeans on i've been wearing since friday. scum? yes. [x] i'm wearing katie's black tank top [x] i have my gram's shirt on [x] i look like i dropped out of some messed up parallel universe [x] i am quite ugly all-around Five things you did today... [x] Ranted and raved about my friends not really being friends [x] Jumped on trampolines [x] Walked Peru without shoes on [x] Defended Tony Hacker [x] cried Five memorable things you did in the last year... [x] fought with my best friend [x] made up with my best friend [x] lost a sister [x] met clayton and found an indescribable happiness [x] said i love you to three different people-- well, two to their face. one on paper. it counts though cuz i meant it. Five things that everyone should know about you... [x] i love my chuck taylors [x] nobody messes with my carebear obsession [x] i cannot be talked to in movies or concerts or shows. i have no attention span for anything but the reason i came. [x] i'm flunking bio all because i didn't sell a lousy tshirt cuz it's EXTORTION!!! [x] i no longer write. anything. but my journal. Five favorite groups... [x] SoCo [x] see spot run [x] all-american rejects [x] 3eb [x] Live Five favorite artists... [x] john mayer [x] there [x] are [x] no good [x] solo artists. even though i dig enrique iglesias sometimes. somewhat!! haha. really. i do! Five favorite songs... [x] every little thing she does is magic [x] hanging by a moment [x] mostly anything soco [x] ...and 3eb [x] crash-- dave matthews Five favorite movies... [x] sleepless in seattle [x] wedding singer [x] ferris bueller's day off [x] sixteen candles [x] lady in white Five things that make you happy... [x] clayton [x] cheer bear [x] cereal [x] rain [x] abercrombie male models (haha!) Five things that disgust you... [x] alysia [x] hilary [x] natalie [x] vicki [x] everyone else at hil's last night Five things you cant live without... [x] rain [x] food.... particularly cereal [x] murder she wrote [x] clayton [x] jamie Five things you'll do when you complete this... [x] sleep [x] talk to clayton?? [x] read more online journals [x] find clothes for tomorrow [x] brush my teeth and wash my face! Mood: amused Music: none

	2003.03.16  20.41 I'm just wonderin why i feel so all alone-- i am a stranger in my own life I wrote a huge long documentary about hilary's party and how fucking awful it was. then i had to reboot and forgot to save it somewhere, so i lost it. it was all bullshit anyway. the party, i mean. everyone was making out and giving hand jobs and wanting to have sex, except for me. even ali was giving jeffy the sex look. AND on top of him already being grounded, i got clayton in trouble by calling his cell phone. so i spent the entire night pissed off at the world while everyone else was whoring it up. that is all i'm going to say. and also: i want new friends, real ones this time. but today i actually got to talk to clayton, longer than 10 minutes, without any bad news. he told me he'd probably be going to georgia over spring break (the lucky bastard), and i continued to get mad cuz i haven't had a vacation since i was 4 and i'm the one who does my homework and house chores. i told him about the party and began to rant about how much i hated my friends. and i really do. damn was i in the foulest mood ever. i was even snapping at him, and i really didn't mean to. i just felt so god damn horrible about everything. so bad i was about to go into the kitchen and get one of my mom's pills. clayton thought i mean i was going to od on them... and i kind of let it slip i had a box of pills for that specific purpose already in my room. SHHHHH-- let's hope he forgets. anyway. it was a very long talk and i was pissed for most of it. and then i had to go and he said he was going to call back and he never did. i don't blame him. and then i was sitting here reading my journal and i just automatically turned to the entry where sophie died and i started bawling out of nowhere. it was really bad. i can't believe i'm not over it yet... 3 months... i should be, shouldn't i? i only knew her a week, so i should. i should. i think. god i feel so bad. i feel so bad. about everything. everyone. Mood: sad Music: sim barking-- chris danny and robby just left

	2003.03.14  21.57 You're still on my clothes from three days ago... I just put on my track sweatshirt and I caught a whiff of Clayton’s Tommy cologne I sprayed on the other night. I just have to remember if I smell it too much, the smell will go away. My Friday night has gone absolutely boring. Mom took me to get some movies. Then I made a plate of steak fries, and settled myself on the couch. Gram called and bugged me for 15 minutes about my grades… and I assured her that even though I’m failing Biology, I’ll have my grades up by the end of the semester. She gave me a mini-lecture on how I better stay focused on school cuz she doesn’t want to be putting away my college money for nothing. Jesus. I KNOW. I’m trying, believe it or not. While I was watching my movies, the oddest thing happened. Jamie called. But that’s not the odd part. I walked over to the phone, and I checked the Caller ID, and I saw it was him, and I didn’t pick up. I got the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach and I plugged my ears and closed my eyes really tight until the phone stopped ringing. Still, two hours later, I have no clue why I did that. I haven’t much gotten to talk to him in a week, and I’ve been meaning to. To make some plans or something. But then I just looked at the Caller ID and didn’t pick up. I don’t know why. Why?! So anyway, I was watching this movie called Igby Goes Down. Basically it’s about this rich kid that’s gotten kicked out of all these schools and is trying to cope with his family and find himself. One of those coming-of-age-ish sort of things, but not really. It got me thinking. I feel like I’m destined to be one of those kinds of people in this movie. Like I’m going to drop out of school at 17, because I’m blowing off my grades and doing all these mind-altering drugs, and turning my liver into a coral reef because I can keep down one too many martinis each day. Even though I’m frightened of drugs and can’t even keep down a soda. He gets kicked out of these schools, and I wonder if I’m ever going to get like that. I mean even right now, I’m slipping. I’m slipping a lot. What if I was one of those people, like Igby or Holden Caulfield? What if I’m one of those people who aren’t even out of high school yet and are resting on my laurels and thinking I own the world… so my major goal in life is to do nothing? In some instances, I guess it wouldn’t be all that bad. I could dress like an aristocrat and rent a studio in New York and live there and be bohemian and not worry about where I’m going to be in five years. I’d take a plane to California on a moment’s notice. But then there is this small part of me that’s thinking, I need to get good grades. I need to go to Stanford. I need to make something spectacular out of myself. Even a year ago, I had things all figured out and now suddenly I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I don’t even think I want to write anymore. It could just be that I feel really depressed tonight, and it probably is. But still… this is my life. And I don’t like it much. I’m such an amateur right now. Usually I think-- hey, I’ve got the world wrapped around my finger… I understand it, I know exactly what to do with it. Boy am I so wrong. I know pretty much nothing and it makes me feel like shit. God I really hate these nights at home. I think way too much and end up a basket case. I’m going to be like the dad in that movie… he went all freaky and ended up in some institution or other. So did Holden Caulfield. Am I Holden Caulfield? Mood: sick Music: Mom bitching