VigesimalDragonfly, im sure, suggested nicknames on MSN? wakd wakd indeed. course first I had to find out was Vigesimal means.
2. Proceeding or occurring in intervals of 20.
3. Based on or relating to 20.
Im not sure how this relates to dragonflys, or me in that case. And who the hell thinks of these things. i think they give a computer a dictionary and tell it to randomly place words together.
but its still stupid
I got hit in the head yesterday at soccer. It was pretty funny. She was like 3 feet away, and kicks hard, this time at my head. I kinda wobbled around a bit then declared that I was ok, with this goofy grin on my face. Obviously I wasnt thinking straight, I know I couldnt see clearly for a while, kinda like an old movie where the picture gets stuck and you see parts of the same thing all lined up, it was pretty interesting acutally. Then when I got my vision cleared, I located the soccer ball and attacked and...was cleated in the knee. Have a wicked bruise from that.
Have fun Brady with your girl. I would like to say more but Im not going to. Oh and it would be nice if you stopped telling Byron things that arent true. Thanks. Thats all I really wanted to say to reconize your pathetic exsistance.
My mom wont let me go to homecoming, why why why?
I scored a goal yesterday in soccer. That was fun. The I got an assist also.
In the second half I was goalie for the first time and i only let one goal in and it was above me head so ya.
Our kittens are so cute. And i decided to let my self get attached to them. Expecially the one I call Begira but everyone else calls Edgar. Hes the biggest but the nicest. I want to keep him. But we can only keep one and everyone else wants to keep this other cat. And I think that someone has already claimed my Begira. :'(
wahoo its saturday! and im stucj at home w/o a car or permit, and nothing to do. i cant even bug my brother because he went to his friends house for the day. i had a soccer game this morning. that was fun even though we lost again. i got cleated in the knee and i dont remember when it happened. strange huh? and i almost scored a goal but i kicked it over the goal instead of into it. yay
i got to play center foward, that was cooool.
went to salmon days today. w00+! i got a Henna tattoo on my shoulder. They told me it was the chinese symbol for dream. but as far as i know it could say stupid american. I tried to win a gold fish for my friend who was sick and couldnt go to salmon days, but i missed four times, which is sad because the kid in front of me must have been barely a year old and he made it twice. it was alot of fun though. Now im sposed to be doing homework but im not yet. I didnt buy anything special at it today. kinda wasted my money, but i did only have $5, so i guess it was worth it anyway. I didnt see anything that i wanted though. except a neckalce, but when wou di ever really wear that? I did get a bunch of strawberries dipped in white chocolate on a stick surrounded by whipped cream though. that was prolly the highlight of the day. That and playing this game where i tested the chances of me surviving if i were a salmon. i died four times. fun fun fun
You know what? Im not worried that Im going to be "depressed" as my friends have all recently labled me, for along time. I dont care what the reason is that Im "depressed" as long as it works it self out. I guess Ill just go with it, cant realy do much else right? This "depression" is a mere parasite on my wonderful life. But something is missing. Peopel always say things are missing in their lives.
JOHN MAYER LYRICS
I'm not alone, I wish I was.
'Cause then I'd know, I'm down because,
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.
A desert frown, the shopping malls
I search for joy, then plot it out.
And all is well, I can't complain.
It is just a game, it's just a phase.
And I can't tell you just what's keeping me down.
And I don't know how to fix it.
And I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is
And autumn comes, it doesn't last.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:
I can't put my finger on what's keeping me down.
And I don't know how to fix it.
And I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is now.
I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.
And I don't know how to fix it.
And I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is.
Friends, check. Money, check.
Guitar, check. Happy Home, check. Microphone, check.
And I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is
Must figure it out.
Horoscope: ..... who knows it didnt come in the email. I have no fate
This is funny. So ironic. Im so confused I feel like laughing and never stoppping. But I feel like crying. haha. wow this is really interesting.....
through the confusion one can not help but wonder what the source maybe or what will fix it or when it will be fixed.
Highschool is boring by the way. I dont know how much more of it I can take. HAHA!!!! FOUR MORE YEARS STILL! Im going insane.
overload...homeowrik, soccer, swim, freinds its all too much...
but I should be able to do it right? sure I can. I can do anything. right?
this should be easy.
other people have a much harder life then this, why cant I live through this?
One thing that bugs me is people who are always complaining. Never seem to have any good news. They base their lives around who their crush is going out with and which parties they went to with whome and who was there. Thats all very nice but really I dont know the people you are talking about and I prolly never will, so why do I care?
maybe its just beacuse it seems like they have so much more friends and fun then I do.
I should be able to create my own fun.
I bug myself too, when I hear myself complain to someone or say something bad about something else to somebody. I always make it so it sounds as though nothing is how I said it to be though. So in the end all I accomplished was wasting time and breath.
I cant seem to find anything good to talk about recently though.Not that there isnt anything good. course there is, there is always good. Like the sun, someone else's laugh, your laugh, my fish, my kittens, my dog, my family, my nanny, my friends. Tons of things.
My friends are putting so much pressure on me to get a date for homecoming. Yea ok I'll just go out to the line of them that like me and pick one. Great, it would help if there was even the beginning of line. Sure the junior in math looked ok, but hes an idiot. Just like Brady, only Brady was worse. Jorden isnt trust worthy, and I dont know if he knows the enormity of what he says. Oh well, his loss. Then Will in orchestra. i dont think I have a chance with him. And I dont know if I want to. I dont know really at all...today someone told me some of his history, hes had a hard life to say the least, I dont think I could go out with him knowing something about him that he doesnt necissarily want me to know, or even just go to homecoming with him. Then Bryan is being wierd, and there is that strange girl, who follows him around, she is not the prettyest, but if he likes her then thats ok. I had my chance with him and I ruined it. And I never see Byron and hes never online anymore. I miss him so much still, but I dont know if he still likes me, and there are all those rumors floating around about us and him and stuff.
Maybe I shouldnt go to homecoming. Whats the point right? i dont want to spen all that money on a dress for nothing. And it would be nothing. Ill have to say that my Plan is not going too well. I havent been able to slip myself into the circle effectivly yet. Oh well.
"That guy is cool," Mrs. Shermere says sacrcastically acter the loud bass of someones music dies down. So maybe it was alittle loud being as we could all hear it clearly on the second story of the school. She has her opinions though.
3 bells during block then lunch.
Earhurts perhaps I shouldnt go to swimming.
So you roll out of bed dreading the day but grateful that you feel better then you did yesterday, but this isnt saying much because you felt like crap the day before. But you do the homework that you could not do the night before because you were way too tired and had the worst headache. Only to find out that your dad cant get the motherless kittens to drink their formula. Hes been up all night practically with them and now is real tired. Then you brother walks in, grabbing your honey nut cheerios and you ask if hes ok cuz hes been crying about your cat running away, he says yes of course he is, he cried yesterday. Not really knowing what to make of this comment you decide to make your lunch, and while glancing at the clock realize youve missed the bus. darn. so you ask you dad who is still trying to get the kittens to eat, if he can take you to school, because you dont have a car and its too far to walk. He says he cant untill the kittens are fed, but they wont eat. by the time you get to school your late and your dad says to tell the office that you just missed the bus. so i do and they give me an unexcused late pass. great. you walk to you class to be bombarded with french. asking the teacher what you have to do because you were late again and prolly need detention by now you explain you story and luck out because the teacher likes cats and assumes you couldnt come up with a story like that as an excuse. and you arent really paying attention to what you are saying, because you are trying not to cry, and trying to figure out why you are almost crying, and the emotions poor out into your voice and you say whatever comes to mind suprising yourself with your words, but not really realizing you said anything significint till later because you are so out of it.
On the way to your next class you are pushing back tears but manage to ask a girl you know whos hair you love to teach you how to do yours in a different way then a pony tail or down. Your not sure when or how she will teach you but she said she would so you go with it.
In biology you are subdued as normal being the only freshman in the class. and you do to your wonder admit to being a freshman to a few of the people who had assumed you were their age. presentaions are put off till monday after the test, quiz thing.
then you go to accelerated humanities and wonder what you were thinking when you took it. a breif idea of switching out crosses your mind, but your not a quitter so you dismiss it and decide to be ontop of your homework from now on. Not that you havent done your homework, just obviously to the extent that the Lord High Educationer would like. Nobody knows what he wants anymore. Oh well, you just have to deal with your friends rantings about his class when you would much rather be sitting by yourself doing nothing, just thinking, sleeping, reading, listening to music, or whatever. Away from people. but you arent you are stuck in class for two hours doing nothing, but you have to do something for participation. or you will surely fail. so you work, half midedly. you think mrs shermer hates you so you work to get on the good side of mr braman. even if you do work hard today, you wont get the fair amount you deserve, maybe they know you can do better then this. but perhaps that is in normal conditions, not when you are having a hard time controlling your emotions.
Your friend asked someone to homecoming, he said yes, you are happy for them, wonder what you are going to do or if you will even go cuz you really dont feel like it right now, although it may just be your mood at the moment.
trudging off to orchestra which seems to be the best class of your day, you definatly love the afternoon better then the morning. Watching peter who is now off-limits to you and throwing scraps of paper at the lovely Brazillian boy.
Laughing hard at something that wasnt even said and then at the fact that it hadnt been said when you assumed that it was going to be. It feels good to laugh, you didnt realize how much you missed it. you want to keep laughing but the moment has passed and you go back into a state of calm turmoil. At which point the bell rings and you are rushed off in a whirlwind of bodies to your next class, walking with noelle like you always do you begin to tune her out when she starts her usual complaints about public displays of affection. i see nothing wrong with it. it seems like a good way to find out whos with who if you ask me.
Jordan still smells wonderful, they were talking about his colonge didnt have enough confidence to ask what he wears and wasnt really paying much attention anyway.
Skipped swimming on a spur of the moment decision, maybe i chould have gone, maybe it doesnt matter. Helen came over but all she wanted to do was homework and i never do homework on fridays so i read, it was boring shoul dhave spent time wiht byron who i still miss despreatly.
i really messed things up, byron was great. why did i get rid of him? can he come back? all for someone who i wish never to have to deal with, hurt my faith in people too much. please come back byron...
then i went to fred myers with barbara but thought i was in safeway the whole time. i wanted to ride in the little kid seats with ashyln but barbara wouldnt let me.
while i was there i decided i wanted a necklace out of the vending machines, and the first one i got had a red circle with the chinese symbol for tiger in it. this is cool on its own but it also has special meanings for me. First, me and my friends couldnt decide if i was a tiger or a cyote, this may answer it, or it may have to do with my cat running away and us finding her kittens a temporary owner.
I spent a nother 50 cents to see if the fortune telling vending machine would reveal the truth but all i got was a crappy little dragon on a chain, so i gave it to my brother.
i went home and did nothing the rest of the night.
I should have known.
should have paid attention to emotions of yesterday....
Today i woke w/ a set of strong emotions, panic, and guilt. The music on my alarm could have woke the whole house. At least at this point i was no longer in any mood to sleep.
As i was walking to my bathroom to do my makeup and what-not, i felt an overwhelming need to see my mother, to smell her, to hear her, to feel her precence. I almost cried.
This is strange for me, one because she only left this morning and I saw her last night and second, because normally when she leaves I am so busy that I dont really think about her absence, but i am no less active than normal at the moment.
Saw a wood pecker today. This made me wonder if I am self centered, or that my ego is to big. Noted to self.
My bus was late again, 15 min today. Tried to move leaves and pebbles with my mind while waiting. No success yet.
French test tomorrow. math too. That stinks math is boring and i suck at french.
Boring day mainly, way too confusing for a monday. not that mondays are really any different from tuesdays.
Ate lunch in the sun. Practically choked on my food. This is normal.
Played a contemplative culture game in Braman.
Screamed in fear and shock for the second time today in orchestra, Added interesting soud-effects to the song though.
Got a 66% on a math quiz from friday, stupid mistakes, stupid me.
Forgot about it, daydreaming in Jordan's wonderful smell.
Realized last night that I hadnt though about my mothers words of improvement for me recently. Making mental note to continue thinking about them, at least sub conciously.
Started reading "the song reader". Very good book. Many ideas to think about.
Felt a huge loss over Byron suddenly while waiting for the swim bus. Missed him so incredibly much. Loved the times we had together, almost cried, again.
Could hardly stand Helens rantings about school and how much homework we had, and how was she going to finish it all? Do I care? She always gets it done and done perfectly. I dont care enough. These are her normal sayings though, why did they drive me up the wall today?
Had a horrible headache after swimming, before soccer, downed two advil. Still sick.
Sore from lunges and 100 pushups. no exaggeration.
Need to fix up my school work. I need to get into Harvord. It all seems way out of my reach now though, no world leading, no being famous. no helping people, no making a difference. Nothing, just another average life, not going to stand for it.
Confused by the loss of the guppie i got yesterday, it has dissapeared off the face of the earth. My dad couldnt find it in my aquarium either. Its gone, but where we may never know. Ill have to get another. Loves, my short lived Flair.
Too tired to really manage any emotions at the moment. Wondering why my day has been so emotionally rocky and if Im becoming shallow.. Or maybe its just the process in which i become aware of a greater meaning...or not
I cried this morning. listening to a replay of the news cast from 9-11-01 on the radio. I didnt cry the day it happened and I haven't cried about it since, but this morning I saw the saddness in it. Not that I didnt before, just that it didnt exactly register, I couldnt imagine it. And since then I have come to appreciate life so much more.
I've been up since 5 this morning. Normally I get up for 6 on school days, but my cat had her kittens at 5 so I got up. She had six, and she did very well with the whole birthing process for being only 8 or 9 months old. The kittens are so cute. Their eyes arent open yet of course, but they are wonderful. I love everyone and have no idea how I will bare giving them up. I supose when I see the love and excitement in the little kids eyes when they pick them up, I will be more then willing to give the kitten to them if its going ot make them that happy.
We had time trials today in swimming and for the 50 free I got 34. something. Apparently this is good for a freshman.
It was raingin after I took my shower, so I threw on some clothes and danced in the rain till I was soaked again. I love the rain. I hope it stays longer this time.
Well school is incredibly ironic, but isnt everything? My bus driver doesnt talk or hardly even reconize the exsistance of the kids on the bus. And he doesnt know how to stop properly. Here I am at the bus stop, and he stops to the left of me or to the right of me, never right in front of me, and then I have to walk to the door. It should frickin come to me! hehe. Then I get to school and they are blaring some idiotic song over and over on the intercoms. Finally class starts and I am bombarded by French. How the heck does he expect me to understnd what he is saying?! It too early for another language. Then Im off to Biology, my teacher's wife decided to have a kid so hes off for the week, leaving us with Mr. Clifford (he hates the frickin dog). Then I have accelerated english and world studies. My teacher is pycho. You ask a question about someting and he assings a ton of homework on it. Well fine. Make us kids all stay up tp all odd hours of the mihgt working -no slaving- away for you. Skrew you. Then I have lunch. Yummy, I dont even taste my food Im soo tired by this point. Next I go to orchestra and have Mrs. Vail yell at our section to play louder, well sorry, we do only have 5 violas though, get over it. And then I drag myslef to math. I could sleep in this class and not miss anything. I learned it all in 7th grade for crying out loud, the juniors are idiots. I play games on my calculator the whole time.
Then I go to swimming and work my butt off for something I am no where close to being great at, yet. I did 72 pushups today and 61 yesterday. And my "abs" hurt from crunch type things that are altered slightly to make them harder. Then we swim laps the rest of the time...Time trials tomorrow.
Right now I should be at soccer but I couldnt take anymore and decided to skip it.
This entry is really depressing. My life really isnt this bad.
I think Bryan has actually forgiven me, since I talked to him yesterday. We may even become friends again, I have to be careful though.
Calvin and I could be friends too.
I talked to Justin the other day. I will only say it was dissapointing. I asked him if he had the lunch I was at or if he was just going to his next class, and he says "We always have the same lunch" (sexy) hehe right... anyway, I said "it must be a good omen" hes like a what? and omen, justin, an omen. whats an omen? sigh....
Brady still likes me apparently.
His cousin confuses me...hes done some things, and he knows that Brady likes me, how could he betray his own cousin like that? Hes a guy, thats how. Not to be sexist though. *wink*
I had a soccer game today. We have 11 people on the team, and for those who dont know what that means, it means no subs and we get to/have to play the whole game. But today we only had 10 people. Jenna decided she was too cool to even frickin show up. Oh well, I think she had some volley ball crap to do or something. Can one even consider volleyball a sport? We lost 6 to 0. Beautiful. I think of it as a convidence builder for the other team. Actually at half time we were only down by one or two. I dont remember.
wahoo. Nothing really special happened today. Lets see. We went to a Mariners game. It was pathetic, but Bret Boone made a good play at least. I cant believe we lost to the Devil Rays. Why do the M's always wigg out at the end of the season? Oakland won and now they are ahead of us! Gar. Oh well, I got a chili bowl and snowcone. Yummy. The guys at the Chili place were really nice. hehe.
So today I got up early, again. Swim team practices started today. At 8 AM. In an outside pool. It was fun though. Then Byron came over and we went to a movie. But he was really funny when he was still at my house. My brother and his friend were spying on us and I told him that htey should get bored soon, being as we were only talking. He said...well we could make it worth their while. I smiled at him. But hes just shook his head and laughed. So it must have been boring for them. Anne made fun of him, to his face and I was humilated that she would act like that. Then she did later too. He was embrassaed too, I could tell, although most other people mihgt not pick up on it.
When we got to the movies, we kind of walked around doing nothing till we decieded to go in and watch the previews. About 7 min into the movie my fingers accidently brused his and I decided to leave them there. But he held my hand instead. He wouldnt (or didnt know how) to do anything else. There was about 15 peopel in the whole theater. So we could have gotten away with anything. But I would only go so far of course.
He held my hand the whole movie then when we left he didnt let go. So after we got back into the main lobby areaof the theater I shook my hand loose.
My mom picked us up and dropped him at his house. She says that he didnt seem like the shy type. Ok sure. So what would you call it then mom? She says that he is getting clingy and possesive because he knows there is going to be alot of compition at Skyline....Maybe this is true. She says, to be careful, she doesnt want me to get stuck with him. I dont think she likes him.
Today Helen and I got more community service hours at the soccer field. Not sure if we really desesrved them though, mainly because we were picking blackberries and goffing off. Oh well. I talked to Kyle today again. now that I found out his name. And he threw grapes at me. I proceeded to catch them in my mouth, so there. We went home and I did pretty much nothing untill later that night when I went to my cousins house with a pie since he just got out of the hospital. So we saw him and his friend Dan, who is really nice too. Umm...our pie looked better then the other one that was there. And it tasted better too. My mom went into her whole thing about black teddy gram discrimination at the local QFC. Which I found funny, everyone else did too, and were trying to supress laughter. Which made me laugh harder later. Tim's senior pictures came in, and if I werent his cousin, I would be highly attracted to him. He really is hott. But thats gross. Im his cousin. Yuck yuckyuck.
On the way home my we had to stop to let the quails get off the road. They were funny. There were about 8 total, only 3 were on the side of the road when we saw them. Once they had all bobbed off, we continued our journey home.
When I got home I checked my e-mail and found the email stating my results on the science test. And I passed. Just as I had thought I was going to. Despite Jordan telling me I wasnt going to.
Yay, so today I got up early again. Who knows what I was thinking. Well actually I was thinking about Byron. Suprise suprise. I was up so I went with my dad to the soccer feilds to start my work at community service...at the concession stand. Well I must say that despite it sounding incredibly boring, it was actually kind of fun. I got to take all the peoples money. hehe. Well I had to turn it in at the end of the day. But it was still fun. And I got to see Byron play. That was fun. Although they lost once and one once. His coach isnt the nicest either. Thats ok, Byron jsut needs to be more agressive. But his team hasnt played together enough. Makes it hard...
So then after that I went back to the concession stand and grilled a hotdog for this one ref (they get free hotdogs) and he was incredily hott. And nice. And I swear he was flirting with me. When he was waiting for his hotdog to finish, the wind blew and a bunch of money flew out of the box, because some numbskull had moved the paperwieght off it agian, and I had to gather it then put it back with out more flying away (harder then it sounds) and he held it down and smiled at me the whole time. He has the most amazing eyes. His skin is darker and his eyes are a brilliant blue. I was entranced for a second, but then Helen bumped me and I remembered what I was sposed to be doing. Later though I played keep away with a soccer ball. we bumped into each other several times. It was all good. I had to go home after that and was only regretting that tomorrow we are only staying till noon.
Whew, Today I went to Skyline to regester. I saw a bunch of people I knew, well we would like to hope so right? I didnt really smile at them or anything, amybe a slight nod or something, but it was too darn early to be there. Any my ASB card pictuer sucks, my yearbook picuture is better, I hope. I got all my stuff. The planners are ugly, but who could hope for anything else? My mom bought me some Spirit shorts that say SHS on the butt. They are pretty cute. And the cheerleaders were nice. I have good teachers I guess. I dont really know but Laura told me they were good, shes my cousins girlfriend. Shes really funny too. So then I left and did something, I think it was eat lunch, but anyway I came back and had to take my science test. Ya, it was easy. I hope I passed though, I do not want to learn the whole thing over again although it would be easy, but I want to learn something. So ya as much as I remember the rest of the day I would think that I slept, or ceased to exsist. In other words I dont really remember...At all.
Hmmm, today is Wednesday, and I finally figured out that my soccer coach does indeed still exsist in the normal human form. I was beginning to wonder....he told us who was on the team then completely dissapeared. But we had our first practice today, a whole 7 people showed up, yes that is aposed to a half 7 people. But 7 is good for us, since we only have 12 people on our team and despreatly need more players. But we played a practice game against another team there, they were a year younger so we beat them bad. Ya it was all good.
But before all of this happened, I went on a bike ride with Byron and we went to Jordan's house and Nurina and Lauren ended up coming over too. So we decided to go to QFC and get icecream, on the way we stopped at Calvin's house and Jordan asked him out like her dare specified, he said no, and it was funny. We got the most icecream we could for 8 dollars, and I think we have like 2 gallons of it or something. It neapoleon so we have all of our fav kinds. Calvin didnt eat any so I flicked some at him but it bounced off him and hit Byron, that was funny too, neither of them minded. The people at QFC might not have liked us throwing icecream at eachother though....
So I had to tell just about 10 people about my camp.
And I decided to tell people that my kitty, is fat now, and we all know why she has so suddenly swelled... At least she had a good time with that other guy cat, a few nights ago.
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