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mafiamember10's Blurty

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2003.11.21  23.37
Now all I need is someone to do this with...

cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Mood: lonely
Music: Aerosmith- I don't want to miss a thing

  2003.11.21  23.33
Anyone care to see if it's true?

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
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Mood: tired
Music: All my life- KCI and JOJO

  2003.11.19  20.14
Kind of makes one think.

Here's an interesting perspective…. If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all of the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (both north and south)
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian


89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world form such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding, and education becomes glaringly apparent.

Mood: contemplative
Music: The sound of my head banging against the wall...

  2003.11.13  20.15

So I don't know if it's because I've been really depressed lately, or the feeling is genuine, but I was sitting on here listening to music, and this song came on and I just started crying.

So the top don’t matter, got the rest of our lives, where we gonna be when we turn twenty-five? Keep thinking times will never change, keep on thinking things will always be the same. When we leave this year we wont be coming back, no more hanging out cause were on a different track, and if you got something that you need to say u better say it right now cause you wont have another day. Moving on and we cant slow these memories are playing like a film without sound and I keep thinking bout that night in June, didn’t know bout your love but it came to soon. And now its me and you and then it got real blue stay home talking on the telephone we would get so excited and get so scared laughing at our self’s saying life’s not fair As we go on, we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change from whatever we will still be friends forever…So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money when we look back now will that joke still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in school, still be trying to break every single rule? Will little brainy bobby be the stockbroker man, can she ever find a job that wont interfere with her tan? Keep thinking that it not goodbye, keep thinking it’s a time to fly, and this is how it feels… As we go on, we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change from whatever we will still be friends forever…We will still be friends forever…Well we think about tomorrow like we think about now, can we survive it out there, can we make it somehow? Guess I thought that this would never end, and suddenly it’s like women and men. Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round, will these memories fade when I leave this town? Keep thinking that it not goodbye, keep thinking it’s a time to fly… As we go on, we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change from whatever we will still be friends forever…We will still be friends forever… As we go on, we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change from whatever we will still be friends forever…We will still be friends forever…

Whether it's the fact that in a year and a half I'll never speak to my friends again, or because when that times comes on the last day of highschool to say goodbye I won't be able to handle it, I can't get enough of this song.

Mood: scared
Music: Graduation Day- Vitamin C

  2003.11.12  21.58

A lot has been happening lately, good and bad. I love work, its' like my safe haven, where I can go and be happy, unless there are customers, then I hate it...defeats the purpose really. School is another story, that place is my hell, and the reason why I need a safe haven.There is a lot of work, not hard work, just busy work, and I keep procrastinating until I can't anymore and then my grades depict that.

On halloween people came to my house and then they left to go TP some guys houses. I didnt go. There is no need to have fun at someone elses expense.

On Nov. 1st I went to Halloween Horror Nights with someone from work. I had more fun that night than I've had in a really long time. I got the crap scared out of me, but it was a great night.

My best friend quit working at publix, very depressing.

Went to bowling distircts, we blew. Didn't surprise me very much. Screw it, didn't bother me much.

And to wrap up, I shall discuss what has been bothering me. Even though I shouldn't be so concerned with having a bf, I am. Everyone around me is getting together with someone, and I feel left out. I am right now talking to my ex, who kissed me once, in front of my mom, and now is telling me all about him and his new gf. All my friends...everyone at work. Just wish someone would give me a chance and realize looks isnt everything. Doesn't do much to boost my self esteem.

And, I'm Spent.

Don't look back, you can never look back.

It's a vicious cycle.

Mood: depressed
Music: Amazed-Lone Star

  2003.11.06  16.14
IB therefore I BS

‘Who Dares, Wins’?
by Nam Ho

Living life entails quantities of risk, a fact noted upon by so many others before this time. When we look at history, literature, the arts, we do not administer positive attention to those who live in complacency. We admire those who dare to live. If we sympathize with their characters, we are delighted by their success, mourn with them in their failures, and scold them in their mistakes. If the arts can be thought of as a window into the human soul, there is no reason to doubt the presence of risk.

Humans are social creatures. No matter our situation, we are involved in some form of interaction with our surroundings, whether it is anything from other humans to a rock. Friends are a crucial factor to that interaction. We dare even when making friends, in deciding trust in them, or anything else for that matter. Should it fall into anything else, we are failing in living life to its extremes. It is not the fact that you dare, but how you dare. Complacency is daring as well, so are loving, hating and so forth.

Truth is a risk, so are lies. In any action we do, we are daring to form our character. Look around you; look into your past, or your future in the making. Your ‘fate,’ well a good portion of it at least, is a result of what you have dared to do with your choices, including how you handle your fate. Yes, there are the factors of outside interaction to consider, beyond your direct control, but all that affects is the portion of fate you make for yourself.

By no means am I a good example of daring, though I acknowledge that fact. I do, however, try my best to live life according to that frame of mind, failing quite a good number of times myself. As do many others without even knowing it. People dare to live because they know that if they dare in backing away from any risks or stepping on toes, they’ll find themselves steeped in mediocrity, living unfulfilled lives according to whatever lofty desires they subscribe to. Even if they fail in daring, they are content with the notion that they Dared rather than stepped away from the challenge. And that, in my view, is far better than the decay of complacency and wondering what could have been done. Guess that makes me a loose cannon of sorts.

Know that line, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”? If you agree with the sentiment, that’s daring, dear reader.

And what of that other half of the saying, “Who Dares, Wins”? How would one define winning? Is it based upon a direct result of one’s actions, or what pops up later down the road? Perhaps a mixture of both. Even if no tangible results can be found in daring, the lessons you gain from your mistakes are just as valuable down the road.

Disagree with me to your heart’s desire; just think slowly about it first. But don’t let me be the cause of your loitering in thought. ‘Cause there’s a life out there for you to live to the fullest.

-Nam Ho

There goes my intelligence...


  2003.10.02  22.40
If this is true, why am I dateless for homecoming?

are you sexy? by jeska
your name
do YOU think you are?
on a scale from 1-10 you are a10
other people say you areeverything they want to be and more
your sex appeal will last tilMarch 15, 2007
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Mood: lethargic
Music: Celine Dion

  2003.09.29  18.56

I just found out my grandmother is dying.

The doctors give her about 3 days.

Thats all I have to say.

Mood: depressed
Music: Amazed-Lone Star

  2003.09.25  19.08

Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world if you are able to experience it truly. The feeling of butterflies as they walk into a room, and yet the feeling of pain when they leave. Love is the happiness which fills so many people's lives, yet so many people long for it. Love is what I see so many with, but am without.

I'm so sick of this incredibly stupid thing called school. Everything is pointless, all the classes. In twenty years will it matter that I know how to run a simulation program on my calculator? No. All that will truly matter is my family, friends, career, and that I am truly happy. These miniscule classes to which we are assigned that serve no obvious purpose are a waste of time and money. Unless I plan on majoring in math, there is no need for stats and calc. I will never use anything more than geometry. These types of classes should be optional. I can see the point behind english, and even history...biology to...but statistics and calculus? no thank you. And the people...dear god the people. Insanely immature and stupid. Its beyond any conceivable notion how dumb they can be. Asking question after question on things that have been repeated 5,6 times. Its ridiculous. This is IB for christs sake. Get some fricken common sense.

And further more, I hope you know what you gave up.

Don't look back, you can never look back. How true, and how sad.

Mood: pessimistic
Music: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely- Backstreet Boys

  2003.09.24  20.59

"Don't look back, you can never look back." - The Ataris

Homecoming is October 11. I really want to go. None of my friends are going though. They all complain that we never do anything. However, when an opportunity like homecoming comes up, no one wants to go. My friends are so boring. They want to go to halloween horror nights, which is cool, but thats open like 2 months, homecoming is one night a year. These are supposed to be the best years of our lives. I want mature friends. Ones that go out to eat and do mature things. I find myself getting so angry with my friends. Either i find them so immature i can't stand it, or so dumb i can't stand it. Everything is questioned, and they seem to comprehend nothing. It's so annoying. I would go to homecoming if I had a date. That would be nice. I almost prefer that, its hard to slow dance with a "girl" friend. Everyone at work is dating. Its like fucking love connection. I love work though. It's great. The people are cool, but I dont ever get included in the stuff they do because they all go to Timbercreek. That may have been one of my biggest mistakes. Joing IB and going to UHS. Out of like 60 people, there are only like 10 that don't piss me off. To late now. I was so going to skip today. Leave school after second, but I dont have the balls. If i skip, and get caught, which isnt likely, I get kicked out of IB. The chance that I would get caught isnt likely, but with my luck they'll be out there watching the parking lot and I'll get caught, they call my mom and then she'll take my car away. Then i considered well, don't go to school tomorrow...but I have no where to go...nothing opens till like 10...I need somewhere I can go and sleep and just chill. I'm so tired. I actually really fall asleep in third period...everyday, without fail. Its never happened before. And now, for like a month it happens constantly. However, my grades are higher than they have been in awhile. Everything in theory is going well, but I just can't seem to be happy. I'm involved in Drama tech now, which is so much cooler than I thought it would be. I'm really busy now, which i guess is good because I'm active, but I have no drive. No happiness.......

Mood: drained
Music: Boys of Summer

  2003.09.16  19.56

I'm sick of the tears.

I'm sick of the lonliness.

I'm sick of being alone.

I could be so good to someone. I could give so much. But, I am not given the opportunity. Is it because of appearance? If it is, it's not fair. Or is it because of personality? But if thats true, why do I have friends?

I'm sick of being alone. Is it so much to want to be loved?

The tears continue...

Mood: depressed
Music: My Valentine- Martina Mcbride

  2003.08.31  23.56

Have you ever been in love? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up this whole armor for years so nothing can hurt you. Then one person no different then any other person wanders into your life. You give them a piece of you that they dont ask for. If they do something one day like kiss you or smile at you, then your life isnt your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside of you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. A simple phrase like: maybe we should just be friends turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts not just in the imagination, not just in the mind, but in the soul.

<---good quote--->

Mood: scared
Music: Celine Dion

  2003.08.31  23.51

It's time.

Mood: working

  2003.08.30  23.57

F A M E by spazyspag
Youre famous for:Writing a novel
You get famous:April 12, 2067
You make $$ per/year:$2.09507686564094e+15
Do people like you?Everyone wants to bone you.
Dead/Alive:Way dead
Created with quill18's MemeGen!


  2003.08.29  16.28

Friends ask me how I feel, and I lie convincingly, because I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. so I wear my disguise until I go home at night, turn down all of the lights and then I breakdown and cry......

Mood: blank
Music: I'll make love to you- Boyz II Men

  2003.08.28  17.47
I feel like this all the time


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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  2003.08.27  20.36

You Can't Hurry Love

I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

But how many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a love
To let me live again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin' on
When I feel my strength, yeah
It's almost gone
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before loneliness will cause my heart
Heart to break?

No I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

No, love, love, don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms
To hold me tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy
It ain't easy
But mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

Mood: depressed
Music: Amazed-Lone Star

  2003.08.27  17.49


Mood: busy
Music: The sound of my head banging against the wall...

  2003.08.27  17.45

Don't make promises you cant keep, because then other people are left covering for you, and that my friend, is utter bullshit.

Music: Ladies- Sarai

  2003.08.25  22.21
My utmost feelings

If I could have one wish, it would be to go back in time knowing everything that I know now. Just send me back to the day I was born, with all of the knowledge, experience, pain and love that I have had up until now. I would change so much in my life. I know in detail what I would do. And if I could do those things, I would be happier. With these feelings of regret, I continue to do things I regret everyday, but ocasionally, things are done, and there is no going back. Among the things I would change are actions that I took, decisions I made and things I said. I can remember word for word the things I said to a certain person, and I can think of exactly what I would have said in place of those things. Maybe my relationships with those people would be different now. And maybe it wouldnt. Maybe I wouldnt be any happier, because maybe life would turn out the same. Maybe it's all fate and destiny. Perhaps predestination. I am sure people reading this are thinking, what could be so bad that you want to change everything? It isnt that things are bad, its just that they could be better. I had a thought today, and it certainly isnt the first time I have had this feeling, but it hit me especially hard today as I looked at college books and sat prep books. In two years I will be moving on to a new stage in my life, leaving the comfort of home and highschool and friends behind...and it scares me. I feel as if I have wasted the previous sixteen years of my life, and everytime I feel this way I tell myself, I am going to change. I am going to live my life to the fullest, be happy, enjoy the time that I have, because one of the hardest things to ecept is just that. You dont know how much time you have to enjoy the pleasures of this life. I feel like I am wasting away into a black hole, and if someone doesnt come rescue me soon, I wont ever be found again. The problem is, I dont know what it is that I need to save me. I have friends, but I am not content with them. Not that I dont love them, but I want something more I guess. Maybe I am asking too much. Maybe I want friends like on tv. When it comes to school, I am definetly not happy. I am more terrified, petrified and scared about it. Two years. Thats it. Why doesnt anyone else feel this way, or think this way? I suppose I think to deeply into things, or maybe it is that I am to advanced for my years, and when i say this I mean maturity wise. I feel like an old woman trapped in the body of a teenager. And I hate it. I also hate people who think they are so far ahead of me...whether it be intelligence, maturity or just in years, it annoys me. I dont get the chance to show how ahead of everyone I am. Maybe thats why I dont feel content with my friends, I just feel so ahead of them. This makes me sound so cocky, but this is not my intention. I simply want to be understood.

Enough rambling. Do not judge me on what I have wrote. Life isnt fair.

I hate not being able to tell people what I feel. It hurts. But I dont say what I feel in order to not hurt others, when in turn I continue to hurt myself. And I need it to stop.

Mood: depressed
Music: nothing

  2003.08.24  19.10

when harry met sally
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
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  2003.08.24  12.51
Nice to know...

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Mood: depressed
Music: Pretty Baby- Spin Doctors

  2003.08.24  12.40

"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. "

I could use some help right about now...

Mood: confused
Music: Les Mis

  2003.08.22  23.55
I will get into Harvard!

You're the best -- you know it, as does everyone
else (except for US News and World Report every
few years). You might not be hip, you might not
be pretty, but you're smart as a whip and you
never need to do another impressive thing in
your life.

Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
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Mood: amused
Music: nothing...

  2003.08.22  23.42

My life is pathetic, friday night and all I can do is take a quiz and post it in my journal, then repeat it again and again. I need a life.


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